I always think about my family and cannot concentrate on my studies. What should I do?

Hello.

Do we feel guilty because our sister hasn't worked for three years and our mother made us do it?

We love our family and sister more than ourselves. We may think that giving and striving can get us what we want. Is that true?

Why did we work so hard? To prove we were good children?

Or is it because my sister won't talk that the family is falling apart?

What happened to my sister? What happened in between?

Where does our guilt mainly come from? We feel that what we give is fair.

Why are we doing this?

Or to get our parents' approval? What were our feelings when we worked hard to support ourselves? Do we feel inferior because we are poor?

How are our relationships with our sisters?

Do we feel insecure? Do we want to hold on to something?

For example, money. We are not young anymore, and we have control over our lives. We are part of this family, but we are also ourselves, and we need to love ourselves. My sister's refusal to go out has put us in a situation from which we cannot get out.

My sister is my parents' child, and we can't replace them in giving her security. This pressure comes from feeling that we are not good enough, not being recognized, and having a poor family.

A balance between work and rest is key to a long life. We are now in our third year of university, so we need to focus on our studies. We should accept ourselves and ask ourselves what we really want.

Best wishes, love, and peace.

Hello, I'm Fly, a heart exploration coach. 2023 should be happy.

Feeling stressed and helpless is like a child climbing a mountain with lots of heavy bundles. Even if they are tired, they cannot bear to leave any of the bundles behind. Let's look at the problem:

Everyone in the family helps in their own way.

You said your family was ordinary and you experienced poverty since childhood. You even started earning money to support your family while at university, which affected your studies.

You know what your actions mean and why you do them. With awareness, you can change.

Let's look at the emotions you feel when you think about being poor. There are two main ways people live: by trying to survive or by living a full life.

When we focus on the past, we regret what we've lost. When we focus on the future, we worry about what might happen.

When you are living in a state of survival, either regretting or anxious, this is a program the brain has created to help you survive.

Life is about living in the present. To do this, you need to be confident about the future.

You inherited a lack of security from your parents due to material deprivation. You didn't say your family was poor.

This is just a pattern you've developed from your family and your parents.

2. Learn to love yourself before you can love others. This is responsibility.

I can see how much you love your family and care for your parents. You've taken on a lot, even things you shouldn't have to.

You need to stop worrying about your family and focus on your studies. You're already behind schedule. Your parents have worked hard to support you through college. If you take a part-time job, it should not affect your studies.

It's not selfish to love yourself first. It's about taking care of yourself and others. It's like if you only have one bun and someone asks you for a bite, and you give it to them, you'll starve.

Your intention to "help others" is good, but you need the means to do so first.

The best way to show your love for your family is to focus on yourself. Finish your studies. Don't make your family worry about you. Think about how to make money for them.

I hope this helps. I love you.

To continue the conversation, click "Find a Coach" in the top right or bottom. I will communicate and grow with you one-on-one.

I would like to express my gratitude for your willingness to engage in this discussion. I am sorry to learn of the challenges you are currently facing. I can appreciate the pressure you feel from your sense of responsibility towards your family and studies, as well as your concerns about the future.

It is challenging to achieve equilibrium in this situation. Therefore, I commend you for your efforts thus far.

Your situation demonstrates that you are attempting to assume responsibility for your family, which is uncommon. However, it is imperative that you refrain from self-blame and excessive self-pressure.

The challenge of balancing the needs of one's family and oneself is compounded when one is a student and part-time worker, particularly when one's family is in trouble.

Let us now turn our attention to the specific sources of stress that you have identified. From your description, it appears that you are experiencing stress in two distinct ways. Firstly, due to the lack of communication caused by your sister's work-related difficulties. Secondly, due to the challenge of balancing the stress associated with studying medicine and working part-time.

First and foremost, it appears that you have consistently perceived the circumstances within your family as being your responsibility, and that you experience a sense of helplessness regarding your sister's behavior. Additionally, you have indicated that your efforts to communicate with your sister have not yielded the desired outcomes.

From a psychological perspective, it is possible that you have an exaggerated sense of responsibility, which can result in elevated stress levels. Additionally, your uncertainty and limited communication with your sister may contribute to an increase in your stress.

It is recommended that you and your mother seek assistance for your sister together, while ensuring her privacy and providing support. Additionally, it is crucial to develop the ability to differentiate between issues.

A more detailed explanation can be found in the book The Courage to Be Disliked.

Task separation is a theory developed by the renowned psychologist Alfred Adler. It posits that in order to resolve the issues in one's relationships, it is essential to differentiate between one's own concerns and those of others. Each individual is solely responsible for addressing their own issues, and the same holds true for others.

A fundamental principle in determining responsibility is the notion that the individual who bears the direct consequences of their actions is the most appropriate decision-maker.

The separation of topics represents a dichotomy of control in interpersonal relationships. It is therefore important to focus on one's own strengths and abilities, as everyone has their own unique set of skills and areas of expertise.

Secondly, the pressure of studying medicine and the difficulty of balancing part-time work may be relatively less distressing.

It may be necessary to exert effort in the following areas.

It is recommended that students set learning and work goals based on their learning and work plan. These goals should be clarified and a feasible schedule established in order to achieve a better balance between learning and work.

It is essential to prioritize one's time in order to ensure an appropriate balance between academic pursuits and professional obligations. A systematic approach to time management is crucial for achieving this equilibrium.

It would be prudent to re-evaluate your part-time job. You may wish to consider whether it is necessary for you to continue working part-time. If it is not, you may wish to consider reducing or stopping it in a way that is appropriate for you, so that you can focus better on your studies.

To enhance learning efficiency, one may consider employing diverse learning methodologies, such as active learning and team learning, with the objective of optimizing the time spent on study.

It is recommended that students develop healthy habits, such as regular exercise and adequate sleep, as these can help to relieve stress and improve mental health.

The aforementioned strategies may be employed to achieve a balance between one's studies and work. However, it is essential to adapt these methods to align with one's specific circumstances. Additionally, there are literature resources, such as The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, that are highly recommended for further reading.

Good day. I am Yong Jing, a practicing psychologist. I appreciate your inquiry.

From your written account, it is evident that you have a strong affinity for your family and a desire to assume responsibility for their well-being. You have endeavored to identify avenues for financial sustenance, address your sister's circumstances, and navigate the demands of your academic pursuits. Despite these efforts, it is clear that your family concerns have had a detrimental impact on your studies.

In these matters, a sense of powerlessness often arises in the face of setbacks. It appears that a choice must be made between family and one's own studies, yet neither option should be relinquished.

I would like to inquire as to whether, in the event of a choice between family and studies, you would select the latter. From the clarity and brevity of your expression, as well as the manner in which you posed the question, I understand that you would prioritize studies.

Although this decision may be painful, I can discern your genuine affection for yourself and your lucid comprehension of your fundamental responsibilities at this juncture.

In terms of generating income, it is evident from your description that this is not a necessity. I am intrigued to inquire whether you were compelled by external factors to pursue employment, or if you did so of your own volition. Did you aim to alleviate the financial burden on your family by engaging in part-time work? How did this experience unfold? You also indicated that it would impact your academic pursuits. In a scenario where this is not a prerequisite, have you ever contemplated relinquishing it or investing your time more judiciously? What are the challenges you are grappling with? Are there any other considerations?

Indeed, the ability to generate income is contingent upon both internal and external factors. It can be argued that individuals are merely exchanging their value for the value of others' labor. Consequently, the capacity to generate income or one's own intrinsic value is arguably more significant than the mere act of generating income itself. This perspective, however, is somewhat misguided in the context of contemporary society. Many individuals tend to prioritize the urgency of generating income, leading them to pursue employment opportunities at the earliest convenience. Consequently, they may find themselves engaged in work that accumulates over time due to their inability to generate sufficient income. During one's formative years, it is of paramount importance to invest in oneself. This entails not only enhancing one's capacity to generate income but also nurturing one's intrinsic value. It is, therefore, essential to consider these questions and their implications.

With regard to your sister, could you please elaborate on the nature of your interactions with her and the circumstances surrounding her use of the term "totally useless"? From your account, it appears that you aspire to engage in meaningful discourse with her. Is there a specific objective you hope to achieve through these interactions? Do you intend to influence her decision to pursue employment outside the home?

From your written account, it is evident that this incident has had a significant impact on you. What are your thoughts on this matter? Why do you feel this way? Frustration and disappointment with the outcome of the conversation seem to underpin your sense of powerlessness. How did you ascertain that you could assist your sister in leaving the house?

Please describe the nature of your previous interactions with your sister. Did you consistently demonstrate active listening skills?

One might be forgiven for assuming that this is your responsibility. Why do you think so? If you cite the example of studying hard, I have no objection, because this is your own business. However, my sister's business is her own business. As an adult and a normal graduate, she has the right to plan for herself and the ability to take responsibility for herself. Why do you feel that this is also your responsibility? Is she someone who needs to be taken care of by others?

Please reflect on your experience of assisting your sister. If your mother had not requested your assistance, would you have still provided the same level of support? What are your thoughts on your mother's request?

It would be beneficial to ascertain whether your mother anticipated your success. In the event of your failure to achieve this, apart from experiencing feelings of frustration and defeat, did you also experience feelings of guilt regarding your mother's disappointment?

It is erroneous to assume that one can act as a "savior" or be omnipotent. It is similarly inaccurate to believe that one can solve all of the world's problems. As an ordinary person, one will inevitably encounter difficulties that cannot be solved, and there will always be setbacks and failures. However, any given task can be accomplished only with the right time, place, and people.

Indeed, individuals are often aware of their limited capabilities and the need to acknowledge their own powerlessness on occasion.

One is free to make any choice for oneself, and thus, one is truly making the choice for oneself, not for something external, such as the opinions, comments, praise, or flowers of others. These external factors are beyond one's control, and thus, one can only do one's best and take control of the things one can. Truly living for oneself and taking responsibility for oneself is the real great responsibility.

It is my hope that this response will prove useful to the reader.

Good day, question asker. I am an experienced professional with a keen understanding of the challenges you're facing.

The questioner is a student, yet they demonstrate a remarkable sense of responsibility and concern for their family. This is a commendable quality. I believe that with this sense of responsibility, the questioner will excel in whatever they do in the future.

Each stage has its main tasks. It is important to focus on the present while also looking to the future. While being a member of the family and being able to contribute to the family at the moment reflects a sense of ownership and a sense of belonging, if you cannot succeed academically, how can you better share the responsibilities of the family in the future?

It may be helpful to prioritize the tasks that are most important at the moment. These can be classified as either important and urgent, important but not urgent, urgent but not important, or not important and not urgent. This urgency ranking is quoted from the Internet.

If the issue is not important and not urgent, it can be disregarded.

If you find yourself in this situation, you may wish to consider seeking assistance from a colleague.

Important but not urgent: With regard to your sister's employment, it may be advisable to temporarily set aside these concerns. Consider purchasing books on self-understanding and allowing her to navigate these issues independently.

It is important to consider the potential consequences of failing to graduate successfully. Without the requisite professional skills, it may be challenging to secure an internship or employment opportunity in the future.

Once priorities are clearly defined, it is possible to focus on the most important tasks at hand and defer less critical ones for the time being.

Additionally, the questioner may benefit from self-reassurance, such as:

The foundation of loving others is learning to love yourself first, and the foundation of taking care of others is taking care of yourself first. If you cannot even take care of yourself, you cannot convincingly intervene in other people's lives.

The original poster may wish to remind themselves that the family's difficulties are only temporary. They are already in their third year of university, and as long as they persevere for two more years, focusing on their studies, they will be in a better position to support their family financially.

It is not necessary to laugh at her. As a student, it is unlikely that you will be able to convince your sister to go to work. She may say that you do not understand the situation.

It is important to remember that you can only demand of yourself what you cannot demand of your sister. Your demands on yourself are your own problem, and whether or not your sister goes to work is her problem. As a general rule, we are all only responsible for our own problems, and can only advise others on their problems at best.

- Accept your own ordinariness. Ordinary people are not destined to be perfect in every way. We all have limitations, but also strengths. Learn to accept yourself, accept your shortcomings, and recognize your strengths. Emphasizing your strengths and avoiding your weaknesses will make you more successful.

Remain calm. It is not your responsibility to resolve your mother's issues, and you may attempt to provide solace, but ultimately, this is her concern.

It is only possible to effect change if the person in question is willing to come forward.

The above represents my personal opinion for your reference. Best regards,

Greetings.

Gently touch your head and take a deep breath.

Despite my status as a university student, I have been unable to achieve a state of relaxation due to the multitude of pressures I face. This has resulted in feelings of anxiety and nervousness.

Some of the reasons can be attributed to the influence of the original family, such as high expectations from parents. The other part can be attributed to the contradictions and conflicts in the thinking mode under self-awareness. Such problems are, in fact, quite common, as most individuals are convinced of their own thinking mode and are unaware that there may be an underlying issue. It is only when we encounter a problem that we consciously explore the source of emotions under the thinking mode.

Financial issues can also elucidate one's relationship with the self, as money primarily serves the purpose of facilitating exchange and does not inherently provide a sense of security and happiness. However, individuals who are anxious and impulsive often find it challenging to contemplate the significance of money. They tend to perceive it merely as a symbol of wealth, which hinders their ability to understand the self and adjust their relationship with money.

For instance, when an individual experiences anxiety, it becomes challenging to maintain focus on the present moment. Instead, their thoughts tend to oscillate between concerns about the past and future. When confronted with a question such as, "Why are you trying so hard?," an individual who has not previously contemplated this question may find it difficult to provide a satisfactory answer.

One might inquire as to the source of distress. Why is it so difficult to relinquish the burden?

How might one regulate oneself?

1. It is essential to discern the self behind the emotions and identify the underlying needs.

An individual who is chronically anxious will continue to experience distress even after the immediate source of stress has been resolved. For instance, many people experience significant anxiety prior to taking examinations. They tend to believe that once the examination is complete, their concerns will dissipate. However, the feeling of anxiety does not entirely disappear, but rather persists in some form.

What are your emotional responses to the situation and the information presented, such as "the family's financial difficulties" and "my sister's three years of seclusion"? If I had not pursued part-time employment and followed my mother's advice to "save my sister," what would my life trajectory have been?

What is the significance of this message for me?

The questioner may benefit from a period of reflection. While the income generated may be modest and may not provide a significant contribution to the family income, it provides a sense of financial independence and security. In contrast, my sister, who has struggled with social skills for many years, has encountered significant challenges in this regard. The inability to provide support to my sister may lead to feelings of guilt and a sense of inability to fully enjoy happiness. These thoughts may not be immediately evident in daily life but may exert a subconscious influence, influencing my decision-making and potentially leading to a sense of sacrifice.

2. It is essential to cultivate self-love and learn to express oneself effectively.

Those who work hard require rest. By "rest," I refer to genuine physical and mental repose. From this perspective, the questioner has consistently exhibited characteristics associated with diligence and dependability. However, it is crucial to assess whether she has genuinely had the opportunity to rest. When she is overwhelmed, has she ever expressed her frustrations to her mother, exhibited behavior that could be perceived as petulant, sought comfort and affection from her mother and sister, and listened to their concerns and demands?

It is possible that my sister is lacking a similar supportive environment, although she lacks the emotional resilience and determination of her younger sister. When family members attempt to communicate with her, she perceives their actions as mere coping mechanisms, rather than genuine interest and understanding.

Those who are able to understand their own needs are better able to empathize with others in communication. They are also better able to express understanding and restrain their emotions in a timely manner. This kind of communication allows for a greater accommodation of different ideas, which in turn allows for a greater sense of relaxation on the part of all parties involved.

3. It is imperative to relinquish the notion of being responsible for all aspects of one's life and to acknowledge the inherent limitations of the self.

Many individuals in higher education aspire to become a source of pride in the future. However, those who are dedicated to their studies are still a minority. In this context, the questioner's efforts to earn income and plan for the future are commendable. Nevertheless, it is unwise to neglect studies and prioritize tasks and part-time jobs in an illogical manner. A person who is confident and has a sense of control over their life can achieve clarity of direction and understand the importance of priorities.

The questioner's "inferiority complex" towards her family and her concerns about the future have led her to view money as a means of avoiding her current feelings. It is not necessary for family responsibilities to be borne solely by the questioner. Once an individual has reached adulthood, they can contribute to the family according to their abilities, but this does not necessitate worrying about everything the family does based on one's own feelings. Those who take on excessive responsibilities often lack the ability to observe their own feelings, which can result in a loss of self. However, in order to love others, one must first learn to love oneself.

I extend my best wishes and wishes for success to you.

Hello, I hope my answer can be of some help to you.

When I was younger, my family was pretty poor. Later, when I was at university, I also wanted to help out as much as I could. I knew that there were places for national scholarships and national inspirational scholarships at school, so I studied really hard and eventually got both of these scholarships, which meant I didn't have to pay my tuition fees for the next two years. Later, when my family couldn't help me out anymore, but I wanted to take the postgraduate entrance exam, I studied really hard again and finally got into a publicly funded postgraduate program, so I didn't have to pay tuition fees myself, and the state would also give me a monthly living allowance.

It's true that the family's financial situation can make us feel insecure financially. We need to meet this part of our needs in our own way to make up for our sense of security, and there's nothing wrong with that. But we also need to look at our current situation from a higher level. Is studying more important, or is part-time work more important?

Take a step back and think about what you need to do most right now, but also from a longer-term perspective. With so much going on, it's important to find ways to relieve stress and reduce it overall. This will help you stay in a good state of mind and improve your efficiency at work and study. This will also help you be more productive and reduce the burden on your family.

My advice to you is this:

If you can identify the main issue you need to resolve and focus your energy on that, it'll help to reduce the pressure.

Take a moment to think about your priorities. Is your main focus your studies, your part-time job, your sister's affairs, or the family matters? Whatever it is, make sure you're giving it your full attention. The main challenge you're facing will usually be the most important thing to focus on. When we can identify the main challenge, we can solve the main problem we face and greatly alleviate our stress.

It's easy to get overwhelmed when you're facing a lot of tasks and pressures. If you don't know what's important and what's not, it's natural to feel like you're on the verge of a breakdown.

So, you need to figure out what the main conflict is and what's most important. Then, you need to focus your energy on that. You can deal with other things as they come up. If your main issue is the pressure of your studies, you need to make time for your studies. You can cut back on your part-time work. Your sister's affairs and family matters aren't urgent, but you still need to make time for them.

2. Learn to prioritize and don't take on tasks that aren't yours. You also need to take full responsibility for your own tasks.

Psychologist Adler believed that each of us has our own problems and that we can only solve them ourselves. He also said that we are responsible for our own problems and that we shouldn't take on other people's problems. The person who is affected the most by something is the one who has the problem.

So, as you can see, my sister hasn't looked for a job since graduating three years ago during the pandemic. She hasn't even left the house a few times, and she won't even talk about work or the future. This is her problem, and she can make her own choices. She'll have to live with the consequences of her choices, though. That's part of her own growth.

You don't have to take on your sister's problems. She's made her choice, and we can help her with advice and support. We can also offer encouragement and criticism. It's up to you. But when it comes to her work, she's the one who makes the decisions and faces the consequences. She wants to work and have a bright future, but she's having difficulties. What she needs most right now is probably your acceptance, understanding, and encouragement. Give her understanding and acceptance, encouragement and support, strength and confidence, and believe that she can eventually leave home, go to work, and have hope and expectations for the future.

You need to take responsibility for your own life. It's up to you to decide whether you can complete your studies this semester, graduate successfully, and find a good job. Or whether you can choose to persist in doing what you can despite adversity. These are all your own issues, and you need to make your own choices and bear the consequences. When you can take care of yourself and handle your own issues, you'll find that you have more ability and energy to help and care for your family.

3. Find ways to relieve your stress and don't put unreasonable pressure on yourself.

Instead of carrying stress, you need to find ways to relieve it. You also need to be aware of the stress you put on yourself and see if it's reasonable. Otherwise, you'll really feel tired and may even feel breathless. Stress isn't completely harmful or terrible. How stress affects us depends on how we perceive it.

And when you're feeling stressed, asking for help and lending a hand to others can also help to relieve stress. Why not give it a try?

Stress happens when we feel like we can't cope with what's happening to us. It's like you're on the edge, about to break. That's because we evaluate stressful events as having two parts: what's happening to us and what we expect of ourselves. For example, I have to finish my studies and make enough money, otherwise I'm not good enough. I'm responsible for things at home and I don't want to let my family down. These are the demands we place on ourselves. (You can also add your own examples based on your own situation.)

If we don't have a clear understanding of what we need to do and we're perfectionists, we'll put a lot of unnecessary pressure on ourselves because we're not thinking straight. It's hard to change the external environment. What we need to do is take control of our thoughts, figure out why we're stressed, and then accept our limitations and do the best we can. Gradually adjusting ourselves will help us deal with these pressures better.

There are also ways to relieve stress. For example, writing can help you release and relieve pressure. When you write about your stress, you'll feel less oppressed. You can also set aside time for exercise. During my postgraduate entrance exam period, I would exercise for half an hour every day, even though my schedule was tight. After exercising, I felt better and was more efficient at studying. Exercise is also a way to release stress. You can also find someone to talk to. Talking itself has a healing effect. Talking will make us more relaxed. You can talk to close friends and family or you can also find a professional school psychologist to talk to. Both are good choices.

Just wanted to share this with you for reference. Best regards!

Dear question asker,

If I may, I would like to offer you a hug first, and then share my views.

1. It is not uncommon for children who have experienced poverty, particularly in their family of origin, to face challenges in developing a positive sense of self-worth and confidence. In such circumstances, they may feel hesitant to express their needs and desires, often due to a history of hearing that their requests were unaffordable or that their family's circumstances were not ideal. This can lead to a sense of disconnection from their needs and a reluctance to voice them, even when they do express them, there is often a lack of response or resolution.

We have the opportunity to make our own lives a little better through our own efforts.

2. Part-time work is undoubtedly an invaluable source of income for a student, offering a way to reduce the burden on their family and support themselves financially. However, it's essential to strike a healthy balance between study and part-time work. It's crucial to remember that university is still about learning, and if you excel at university, you'll have a wider range of future options. You can consider taking up part-time work once you've fully mastered your studies. After all, everyone's energy and time are limited, so if you focus on one thing, you may not be able to dedicate as much to another.

3. Your sister's situation has had a significant impact on you. After graduating, your sister did not go to work. Due to the pandemic, she stayed at home for three years. It's important to recognize that prolonged isolation can lead to detachment from society and a reduced willingness to engage in work and social interactions. This can potentially lead to social anxiety. It's essential to gradually emerge from this state, take action, and then adjust your approach as needed.

4. You feel overwhelmed by your sister's inability to help and the pressure of your own studies. We probably all understand the reason for this, because you have a strong sense of responsibility and value family relationships very highly. It can be challenging to balance your family and studies, and despite your efforts, you haven't received positive feedback, which might be contributing to your sense of overwhelm.

5. Try your best, learn to convince yourself, learn to give yourself a break, many things are not up to us to decide, people are the product of their environment, do your best and accept the consequences. It would be helpful to adjust your state first, when you are in a good state and full of energy, you will have the energy to help your sister.

I hope things work out for you!