I am a student with a lack of security. I always feel that if I don't do this, my life will be like this.

Hello, question asker!

It's tough to give advice on a problem that's been going on for almost two months in less than 400 words. Even so, I hope we can chat in my answer and explore more possibilities when you're feeling stuck.

There's no one-size-fits-all solution.

You asked this question on the Yi Xin Li platform in June and got three replies, but none of them gave you the answers you were looking for, so you asked the question again in August, hoping that more respondents would give you new ideas. Over this period of time, you have shown that you have the courage to ask for help and continue to seek help, which is a good thing.

At the same time, this is also where you get stuck and worried. It shows that your perfectionist tendencies are still pushing you to think that there is no best, only better. Maybe you know that no answer can really bring about change in you. The only one who can really change you is you.

[Put your plan into action]

You said you have a lot of ideas. You can record them, including what people said when you asked them about your last and this question. Then you can organize them into specific, feasible plans. Then you can choose one and take the first step to try it. For example, don't rush to label yourself. Go to one or two hospitals to get diagnosed by a professional doctor. Use free resources like school psychologists to get help first. Practice mindfulness meditation to relieve anxiety. Review some unreasonable beliefs in your own cognition.

[Get your psychological strength up for the start of the school year]

[Get your psychological strength up for the start of the school year]

With school starting in less than 20 days, you might be feeling more anxious because of the pressure and the need to adjust your mental state. If the obsessive behaviors or thoughts you mentioned are getting worse, it's important to communicate with your parents and start receiving professional help, including formal multiple consultations, to get your studies and life back on track.

I hope this helps!

I hope the person who asked the question can get some help from professionals to feel better. Best of luck to them!

Hello, child! As a mother of a student myself, I feel your pain. I want to give you a tight hug! But at the same time, I see your positive and enterprising spirit as a young person. You have so much potential! Perhaps you think this enterprising spirit has brought you a lot of trouble, caused you a lot of distress, anxiety, and even pain. But it has also brought you so much joy!

My child, you were born a human being, and you were already able to notice when you were a student. You looked inward and reflected on yourself! You didn't complain or lose your temper when you had a problem. You didn't even think that everyone was sorry for you. You looked at yourself when you encountered problems. You're already in the ranks of outstanding people!

You said that if you had a psychological problem, you would seek help, but in the process of seeking help, you would always have doubts. This is totally normal! We all strive for perfection, and while one problem is being solved, you will quickly create another problem, and then you will become confused again. This is okay! Eventually, you will think about it more and more, and you may even temporarily stop your life because the problem is not solved (the mode of not wanting to do anything and being unable to do anything). This is also the case when you go for counseling, and you will fall into the mode of "solving problems—creating problems". In the end, you will have a formed way of thinking, which is, "If I don't…, then I will…", but obviously this mode is negative. This is something we can work on together!

My child, I'm thrilled to share my personal views as a mother and an adult on this question you've raised. Based on your current situation, I've tried to narrow the scope of this question. If my views don't satisfy you, I hope they won't cause you distress. I love you!

First of all, you have the power to change those character traits that cause you distress and pain. You can let go of the pursuit of perfection, doubts of all kinds, and being sensitive and worried. You are not your problem, not your fault, and not because you are not good enough. You are the creator of your own destiny! Your personality was shaped after birth, and it determines the behaviors and thoughts you will have. This personality comes from our family and caregivers, but you have the power to change it.

As a child, you perfectly replicated the outstanding parts of your nurturer's personality. For example, if you were excessively blamed by your parents, this will lead to your excessive pursuit of perfection. This is just a way for you to cope with your parents, and it's a great way to learn! Another example is that you will constantly doubt in the process of seeking help. You will always have new ideas, but these ideas are actually always negative. This makes you more troubled, confused, and even painful, but it also means you have a lot to learn! This comes from your nurturer's excessive interference and control during your growth process. When you can't experience the sense of accomplishment that comes from solving problems on your own for a long time, your self-confidence will be unable to be established. When a person has no self-confidence, all problems will become real problems. But you can overcome these challenges!

Let's dive into the "if I don't..., then I will..." pattern! As a mother, I've used this kind of parenting method countless times in the process of raising my own child. But I was lucky enough to realize early on that it wasn't the best approach. So if you can understand that this pattern is actually the most helpless way that parents had to adopt at that moment because they did not have a better way or ability to solve the problems that arose at that time, I think you'll feel a little bit of psychological comfort!

All children are born excellent, and they have so much to offer! The education and knowledge that parents have acquired over the previous twenty or thirty years are already twenty or thirty years behind the child at the moment of birth. What a gap! So, my dear child, I am not trying to replace your parents and give you an explanation or excuse, but it is true that parents at your age are not likely to have this kind of understanding. Just like myself, your child is about to enter the second year of high school, and I have only awakened to this realization in my forties. At this point, my child has already been "tortured" by me for more than ten years. This "torture" refers to the fact that parents' own life experience is no longer able to give their children a good nurturing environment that matches the era in which their children were born, and they are not aware of this. They meddle in their children's growth in various ways, which has led to the way you are now. My child, hug yourself!

For your own amazing growth experience!

Now, let's dive into why this pattern of leaving your parents still exists. In the early stages of growth, we will rebel against what we consider to be our parents' unreasonable parenting methods. Adults call this "disobedience," and at a certain age it is called "rebellion." Adults draw a big pie called "understanding" in order to make the parenting process go smoothly. The pattern is that if you are obedient (good), I will... Most of the time, it is to satisfy a need that the child cannot get satisfied through normal channels at that time, such as eating ice cream, watching ten minutes of TV, and so on and so forth.

But what if you don't listen? Well, this is actually a punishment model. You're basically asking your child: If they don't accept or disobey their parent's order, they'll be punished. So, which is it going to be? Reward or punishment? We probably know the answer from infancy. So, there's no more resistance, no more rebellion. We've lived the way our parents want us to live!

As your child grows up, this pattern will be absorbed into every aspect of their life until it becomes internalized as their own pattern. They will automatically activate the problem-solving pattern they developed during their own growth process whenever a problem arises. But children grow up, and the problem-solving pattern they develop will always remain at the age of three. So, my child, do you have a general idea of where your problems come from?

If you already understand, do you already feel a little lighter? Then, let's go into battle with a spring in our step! Take each moment of your life seriously, embrace your emotions, pay attention to your inner self, and rediscover yourself!

My child, believe in the wisdom of life! When you are moved, you will discover that the power of life will also give you the greatest support.

I really hope the above has given you some strength! As a parent, I also encourage myself...

Everyone has the power to be a beacon of light! It doesn't matter if you're asking a question or answering one, your words can brighten the hearts of many people. This is our shared energy!

Hello, I'm Xin Tan, and I'm here to help! I can see that you're feeling a bit overwhelmed by everything going on. It's totally normal to feel anxious when you're striving for perfection, but it's important to remember that you're doing a great job!

Let's take a look at the problem together, my friend.

1. Don't worry! All those thoughts you have are just ideas and thoughts in your mind.

Guess what! A person can have more than 10,000 thoughts a day, but not many of them are actually recorded. Amazing, right? The source of human worries is these thoughts, which means that people do think.

It's the same with trying to solve a problem. You have lots of thoughts racing through your mind: "What if...", "What if...". But these things aren't actually happening. They're just in your mind.

As you mentioned, not feeling secure can make you feel like things are out of your control, which can lead to anxiety. So, how can we help you feel more secure? Let's figure it out together!

It's so important for little ones to feel safe and loved between the ages of 4 months and 3 years. This is when parents, as the child's "significant others," provide the psychological nourishment needed for physical and mental health.

A person's sense of security is influenced by so many things! The emotional state of their parents, the time they spend with their children, and the parenting style they adopt all play a part. Left-behind children (or fostered children) in particular lack a sense of security.

We can all feel more secure when we have external support and when people around us give us positive messages. But these things don't last forever. When our external supports are gone, we can feel insecure again.

And when I say "inner," I mean a person with a high sense of self-worth is confident in the future and believes in themselves with absolute conviction.

When someone doesn't feel safe, they might try to control the people around them. This is similar to how you might worry about therapists and counselors. You might want to feel "in control" and "safer" by seeking out "better" help.

We all want to feel secure, and feeling secure is related to "self-worth." The good news is that enhancing self-worth can enhance a person's sense of security! People with high self-worth have confidence in themselves and the world, and we can all be like that!

?2. Self-worth is the cornerstone of a person's mental health. How can we help folks improve their self-worth?

"Inadequate from birth, but made up for later."

Self-worth is all about how you see yourself. It starts in early childhood and grows gradually as you're loved, accepted, recognized, praised, encouraged, and supported by your parents and other people who matter to you.

If you're feeling like these "innate" nutrients are insufficient, don't worry! There are plenty of professional psychological counseling techniques, such as hypnosis and Gestalt therapy, that can help you heal and return to childhood, changing from the inside out.

The "acquired" conditioning of self-worth is to rediscover your own value. This sense of value will touch your heart and enter your subconscious, so that you'll see your own worth in a new light. And your life will slowly start to feel nourished as a result!

If you'd like to learn more about the importance of self-worth and how to boost it to increase your sense of security, I'd love for you to check out my article, "It turns out that the root cause of psychological problems is this?" on my personal homepage.

? 3. We all know how it goes. Sometimes, we just get stuck in a rut of procrastination, and it's often because we're trying to be perfect.

We all know procrastination can be a real pain. It's like our brains come up with all these excuses to avoid taking action. It's like we're stuck in a loop of wanting to do something but not doing it. It's a form of resistance to freedom and a sense of powerlessness. But, hey, we've all been there!

We all have our own fears and insecurities, don't we? Some people are afraid of failure, some are afraid of success, and some, like you, are perfectionists who procrastinate.

Perfectionism is a sign that you might still be a bit immature mentally. It's a state of mind that is stuck in early childhood, where everything is either good or bad, black or white, and there is no room for gray areas.

There's no such thing as an absolute in everything. Maturity and growth also mean being open to better possibilities. It's the gray area between black and white. The world isn't just black and white, good and bad. Look at things from different perspectives.

You can focus on all the good things in your life! There are so many sides to everything, and learning and growth are definitely two of them. At the same time, why not design some celebratory activities for your life and try some fun ways to learn and work?

This will help you open the door to perception, which is really good for your physical and mental health. When you stop to savor the joy of life, you build a fortress against stress. Positive emotions grow and spread in your body, and you can face daily life with ease.

I also highly recommend the book Out of Your Mind, Into Your Life. It's all about cognition and methods of change. I really think you'll find it helpful!

I really hope the above is helpful to you, and I just want to say that I love you and the world loves you too! ?

If you'd like to keep chatting, just click "Find a coach" in the top right corner or at the bottom. I'd love to keep talking and growing with you one-on-one!

Dear Sir/Madam, I observe that you suspect you may be exhibiting obsessive-compulsive behavior, which manifests as persistent worry about not achieving desired outcomes. You perceive that the underlying cause may be an excessive attachment to certain aspects, which you believe may indicate pathological perfectionism. I note your evident distress and self-blame regarding your inability to alter your obsessive-compulsive behavior. You express feelings of disgust towards yourself, accompanied by anxiety and fear. I empathize with your experiences. Best regards,

I am gratified to observe that you possess the capacity to assess the veracity of your experiences and a robust sense of self-awareness. You are acutely aware of your actions and the fact that your behaviors may be excessive and unwarranted.

During my training to become a counselor, I acquired knowledge about obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors, including obsessive thinking. There is a form of obsessive preoccupation that is characterized by a relentless focus on a particular idea or image, which significantly impacts one's ability to maintain focus on the present moment and engage in action.

If the subject is not susceptible to cessation of the problematic thought process and it is significantly impairing academic performance and daily life, it is recommended that the individual seek immediate consultation with a psychiatrist at a psychiatric hospital. A differential diagnosis should be conducted by a qualified specialist psychiatrist. Following the physician's guidance and selecting an appropriate treatment plan is crucial. Even if the underlying cause is obsessive-compulsive disorder, it can be effectively treated, and the earlier intervention begins, the more rapidly recovery can be achieved. It is hoped that the individual will assume responsibility for their physical and mental health and cooperate with the recommended treatment plan for an appropriate duration by following the advice of a qualified medical professional.

It is evident that you are aware of your inclination towards perfectionism. Cognitive behavioral therapy posits that individuals' adverse emotional and affective responses are predicated on unreasonable cognitions. These include absolute requirements and the perception of being severely flawed.

This is akin to the mindset that demands absolute perfection in all aspects of one's life. It is a belief that necessitates finding the best doctor, receiving the most effective and flawless treatment, and being cured in order to be able to study and live up to one's own high standards. Such an expectation can lead to feelings of anxiety and fear, preventing individuals from taking action.

It is recommended that the questioner utilize self-talk to gain clarity regarding their psychological conflicts. A comprehensive list of concerns should be compiled. In the event that the worst-case scenario is inevitable, it is essential to determine an appropriate response. This response should be documented.

The underlying cause of one's feelings of insecurity is a lack of knowledge regarding how to effectively cope with potential negative outcomes. When an individual possesses the confidence that they possess the necessary capabilities and resources to navigate challenging situations, their anxiety and unease are significantly reduced, thereby enhancing their ability to confront the subsequent stages of their life.

It is of the utmost importance to take action in reality and verify whether the things you worry about will definitely happen. One can take real action while worrying, and even doing something simple can be useful for reducing stress.

It is not necessary to undergo significant changes or to exert pressure on oneself to alter one's behavior. Acceptance of one's concerns and doubts is sufficient, provided that one is aware of their presence. It is important to confront these issues directly, as they hold significant meaning and are indicative of an underlying tendency to engage in compulsive behavior as a means of avoiding emotional distress.

In her book, "Thank Yourself for Your Imperfections," psychologist Wu Zhihong of Peking University offers a perspective on navigating life's imperfections with an open mind. I found her insights beneficial, and I hope they offer you a similar benefit.

It is my sincere hope that you will receive prompt and effective treatment and make a full recovery. I wish you the best of luck.

Hello!

"Don't let all problems become your problems!"

This is an amazing way to help perfectionists and people with obsessive thoughts! They care too much and it is difficult to get rid of the mentality of pursuing the better. Because they pursue improvement, it is difficult to get rid of the obsession with "perfectionism." The result of such behavior is that they constantly enter into compulsive behavior or compulsive thinking.

In terms of fundamental human habits, the way humans live is all about going with the flow. And as we gradually get along with nature, we gain life experience and wisdom. So, as we engage in self-reflection and open-minded thinking, we can also affect our physical and mental state. And this can have a positive effect on our body and mind!

1) I'm going to be extra prepared before I give my speech because I'm so excited!

2) I'm so excited to give a speech, but I'm also a little nervous!

In both cases, it's all about the dynamic between the environment and the self. So, excessive thinking or relaxation might actually have the opposite effect. The best approach is to find that sweet spot where you're not pushing too hard and you're able to maintain a healthy balance.

In life, we have the amazing opportunity to pursue a rational state. By making wise choices about how we spend our energy and time, we can avoid the damage caused by losing balance. Our bodies will thank us when we listen to them, and our minds will be free to explore new possibilities. When we pursue things for the sake of happiness, we may end up with greater unhappiness. But when we align our actions with our hearts, we can achieve a sense of satisfaction that goes beyond mere happiness. The problem is that we don't always realize where the problem lies. This can lead to feelings of anxiety, restlessness, regret, and sadness. But there is a solution! By listening to our hearts, we can find the answers we seek. They have always been within us, waiting for us to recognize them. When we do, we will know that we have found what we really need. We have always known, but we have never taken the time to see or listen. Now is the perfect time to do so!

And at each stage, what we need inside will be different. Just as some people long for a good job, while others long for constant promotion, it's like having different preferences. Although age and living environment will be roughly the same, our choices will still have different options. And finding the answer to what our hearts truly desire is to draw attention back to reality, while grasping expectations, not being attached to superficial things, and our focus will gradually return from the outside world to the core of ourselves.

As the questioner mentioned, "always striving for perfection, hoping for the best, but unable to determine the best." This is a very disconnected relationship with oneself and reality. From the original hope of getting a helpful contribution, to just paying attention to whether it is "the best," it has gradually become detached from the practical relationship that exists between me and others. My purpose has changed, but I am not aware of it, which has led to such thoughts becoming unfocused and out of control. Whether there is a "best" option in reality that can satisfy me is something that needs to be further verified, but due to time and energy constraints, we are unable to verify each one, so the problem becomes even bigger. I will become the center of the problem, and this feeling will become a burden and pressure.

So, how can we break this emotional cycle and start anew?

1. First, we must accept our shortcomings and be clear about our goals.

We all have to make choices in life, and that's a good thing! Our choices shape our lives, and we get to be in charge of them. It's a great way to find balance, feel good, and get along with others. If everyone was willing to take responsibility for their choices, the world would be a much happier place!

So, for folks like the original poster or myself who are always chasing perfection, the first thing to do is to embrace our imperfections and own our actions. We all have to accept that the journey to solving problems won't always be easy. There will be challenges and tough moments, but that's all part of the adventure! The key is to remember that I've done my best, and I'm proud of the result. When things don't go as planned, it's time to "hold whoever responsible for it." This simple step can free you from confusion and frustration, and help you tackle problems with a fresh, solution-oriented perspective.

2. Embrace other people's shortcomings, adapt, and grow!

Children are amazing! They're so simple in their approach to getting along with each other. If they don't like what they see, they'll just say so, or they'll just fight. This is because they haven't yet developed more mature perceptions. So, they can only relieve and balance their emotions by venting them. As adults, we obviously can't continue to do this because we need to be responsible for our words and actions.

Perfectionism can lead to suffering because we like to control and manage all problems, constantly trying to fill in the gaps and fix things. This exhausts our energy and also annoys those who want to help us. Maybe the people around us have obvious shortcomings, but they don't know it. We can point this out kindly and express the hope that they will correct their ways. But we have no right to control the outcome, i.e. we need to respect other people's choices. This is a sense of boundaries. We cannot cross the line to deal with it. What we can do is accept and allow others to have "shortcomings." If such shortcomings are intolerable, we can choose to leave. But if it's family members or a more intimate relationship, we can only face it, but never try to control it. Because adapting to and learning to accept other people's shortcomings is the direction we need to grow in as we get older—and it's an exciting one!

3. Have a clear goal and respond flexibly!

It's like choosing a hospital. If you're going to the hospital for the first time, you might even need to check the way there in advance so that you can get there more smoothly the next day. And usually, it's not that simple to get something done. There are many procedures in between that need to be confirmed and checked. This is why everyone hates being sick. But when we need outside help, we still need "professional" help, because we have limited experience in things that we are not skilled at and need help from professionals. But how to find a satisfactory "doctor" is also something that requires constant trial and error. But remember, just to pursue "better" and go for the so-called optimal choice, what we need is to weigh our resources (energy, money, etc.) to find the most suitable option within the allowable range.

Once we've found a choice that's right for us, we'll feel a sense of inner peace. And when we respect the choices we make, we can share happiness and joy in life. So, let's choose wisely!

I wish you all the absolute best!