I am afraid of facing disputes and conflicts, always wanting to avoid them, what should I do?

Dear questioner,

In reading your question, I noticed that it touches on two main areas.

1. When faced with someone's anger or when they speak in a way that you don't accept, it can be challenging to express your needs. This can sometimes result in feeling like the only way out is to end the relationship.

I tend to be fearful of facing other people's anger. When I have a conflict with someone, I often subconsciously avoid the relationship, especially if I feel I may have also been at fault. In serious cases, I sometimes find myself trembling and unable to continue getting along.

There was a time when my roommate and I had a difference of opinion regarding our respective living habits. I was initially hesitant to communicate with her due to her demeanor, which led to a situation where I ultimately decided to move out.

After a period of being in love, when the initial excitement had faded, my boyfriend said some things to me that I felt were unkind. I should have encouraged him to pay more attention to the way he spoke, but at the time, I was preoccupied with the idea that he was tired of me, and I avoided addressing the issue, which ultimately led to some challenges in our relationship.

From what I can see, you try your best in every relationship. It seems like you are hardworking, perceptive, and willing to reflect and learn.

If I might make a suggestion, it would seem that in the case of being unable to communicate with your roommate and unable to stand the other person's strange way of speaking, it might be wise to choose to leave. Some environments are not always conducive to one's wellbeing, and it is understandable that you would want to seek a change.

After all, they are just roommates, and there is no obligation to remain in a relationship that causes you distress. You seem a little uncertain about ending things with your boyfriend.

It might be worth considering that avoiding intimacy is not a solution and could potentially have an impact on future married life.

It is important to stand firm in your needs. As long as you have inner stability and strength, you can do this. This also requires a process of cultivation.

If you are unable to do this, there may be a reason, and you may have your own good reasons. It is not necessary to be too strict with yourself. You may wish to consider trying the following:

I would like to suggest that we start with personal growth.

If it is within your means, you might consider finding a counselor to work on your personal growth over the long term. Alternatively, you could explore some online courses on self-healing and growth. The courses on the Yi Xinli platform are very professional and may be a good fit. Reading is also a wonderful way to grow personally. I would suggest reading Adler's "Inferiority and Transcendence" and Marshall Rosenberg's "Nonviolent Communication."

I believe these two books could be helpful for you. They offer insights into understanding yourself from a theoretical perspective, as well as guidance on how to put these insights into practice. I would be happy to continue exchanging thoughts with you after you have had a chance to read them.

From what I can see, you are a girl who is good at thinking and discovering. With some time and study, I believe you will see changes.

Secondly, it would be beneficial to learn to affirm yourself.

You might consider keeping a "success diary." You could record the smallest things you feel proud of, such as preparing a delicious meal or asking questions today.

I believe that holidays are bound to be rewarding.

Thirdly, it would be beneficial to incorporate some form of exercise and physical activity into your routine.

I have always found exercise to be a beneficial practice for personal growth. It not only has physical benefits but also contributes to cognitive development.

While you're at it, you might as well try to become more self-assured and confident. You could try something like running, yoga, dancing, or whatever you like.

If you're not feeling like going outside, staying in is also a good option. It's important to persevere.

2. Despite your reservations about arguments and conflicts, you have made an effort to engage in them.

I have also attempted to address arguments and conflicts directly, but I often find myself feeling overwhelmed. How can I approach these situations with greater confidence and clarity?

My dear girl, I can see your bravery here! At the same time, you might consider allowing yourself the time and space to take a step back and recognize that mistakes are an inevitable part of the process.

One possible way to improve is to consider developing a method for arguing and dealing with conflicts. It is possible that a healthy argument could promote a relationship.

I would like to clarify that when I use the term "arguing," I am referring to a different concept than what is typically understood. A constructive approach to arguing involves recognizing, accepting, and even satisfying your own needs while maintaining clarity about your own needs.

You might find it helpful to use the Nonviolent Communication formula of "observed facts + your feelings + needs for fulfillment + your hopes." You may also find it beneficial to read the recommended book, "Nonviolent Communication," which you can find above. With practice, you may find that you are able to make progress with arguments.

If you find it useful after reading it, we can continue to discuss it further.

I hope you will continue to grow and achieve new heights. I wish you the best in becoming the best version of yourself.

Hello!

I really want to give you a big hug through the screen to bring you some warmth and strength!

You have a strong sense of self-awareness and the awareness and actions to change. You are still great, so first of all, a big thumbs up for you!

This fear of conflict is a telltale sign of a personality that withdraws and avoids. And guess what? The formation of personality is often closely related to the way we were raised as children and the interactions we had with our primary caregivers. In many cases, we developed this approach to protect ourselves from being hurt at those times, and it is a self-defense mechanism.

Everyone has their own weaknesses, and it is difficult to identify and adjust them because things that have been formed over a long period of time cannot be changed overnight. But you're doing great! Your self-awareness and corrective actions are correct, but you may have been thinking about it too simply, and there is a bit of impatience. When you find it difficult, you will habitually choose to withdraw. But you can do it!

You can sort through your own upbringing and become aware of your current inner fears and which relationships in your upbringing are similar. You can become aware of what you were afraid to face in the anger of others, and what his anger means to you. The significance of this awareness is that we find it is not our fault that we are afraid to face conflicts in relationships, which may lead to greater self-acceptance. This is an amazing realization!

Self-acceptance is an incredible source of strength!

Embrace the journey of self-discovery and growth! Changing your own shortcomings requires a process, which may be a long cycle of self-awareness, adjustment, failure, re-awareness, and re-adjustment.

For example, if your boyfriend says something you find offensive and you want to escape, in that moment, become aware of the thought that you want to escape, stand firm, and express your own needs: ask him to be mindful of the way he speaks and to respect you. Use this awareness and stand firm to cut off the chain of your own thoughts: "He's sick of me..." And then, you can do this!

Once you find that you can hold your ground, you're already making great progress! At this point, you can give yourself a pat on the back and encourage yourself to keep going.

Even if you feel that you are also at fault, don't be afraid to say so! You can say, "I also did something wrong in this matter, but I hope..."

You'll be amazed at how, with each attempt, you'll gain a little strength and find that you're becoming stronger and stronger!

After repeated awareness and attempts, you'll be amazed at how much you can hold on and how much confidence you can develop!

If you're struggling to take that first step, don't worry! Seeking professional help from your school psychologist or counselor could be just what you need.

I really hope that Hongyu's reply helps you! Thank you so much for asking!

Hello! From your description, I can tell that you're feeling a lot of different emotions right now. It's totally normal to feel overwhelmed when facing these kinds of challenges head-on. It seems like you're feeling a bit disgusted, afraid, and terrified when it comes to these relationships.

It's totally normal to feel this way! We all do. It's just that when we feel this way, we tend to blame ourselves for the mistakes in the relationship. This can make it harder to communicate effectively with the other person. It's like our brain is sending a signal after receiving an external stimulus. Our emotions then lead to our behavior.

This behavior is something we can call "behavior cognition." It's something that develops and forms over a long period of time, influenced by things like our upbringing, the environment we grow up in, and our relationships with others.

It's totally normal to feel this way, and it's also totally normal to have these feelings cause some problems in your relationships. It's also totally normal to want to change and work hard to make things better. I think it would really help you to think back to when you first started feeling this way.

I'd love to know what this emotion means to you.

Then we can make some focused efforts to make slow progress and change. You can start by accepting yourself, not hating the current you. You are already better than many people in being able to perceive your emotions. Whenever we have emotions, we should first think, "I'm afraid now, why am I afraid, what does this fear mean to me, and then slowly overcome this fear."

It's totally normal to be afraid to listen to others talk badly about you. It's hard to hear criticism, especially when it's about something you're proud of. It's okay to feel angry, hurt, or unwilling to accept it. It's important to think about what you were feeling at the time. First, we need to accept the brave self, and then we can move forward a little more courageously.

It's so true that our emotions can change really quickly. We might not fully understand the complexity of those emotions, and we might just remember the longest one. After projecting it onto ourselves and adding our cognitive self-understanding, we often misinterpret the truth of the matter and finally produce the final behavior.

In the end, I still want to hug you, knowing how difficult this process of change is, and knowing how hard it is. I feel that you are a girl with a particularly strong sense of self-esteem, and you cannot tolerate others discovering your shortcomings. You have been struggling alone in this difficult situation for a long time, my dear.

But you are still trying, and that's a great start! I truly hope that you can make some positive changes and that you can feel the warmth of the sun on your face.

Hello,

You know you're afraid of facing conflicts and contradictions in your relationship. Many people can't admit this, so I want to praise you for being able to recognize it.

Your roommate has a problem. She's acting weird because of one conflict. This shows her disrespect. Maybe you've been vulnerable, so she treats you this way. The breakup with your boyfriend was mutual. But you think you messed up the relationship. Is that true?

Why is it your fault? Because you avoid problems?

Maybe you're too humble and timid in this relationship. This tense state of mind also makes the other person not feel as relaxed. However, it takes two to tango. The man must also have his own reasons. He disrespected you first, so why did he speak so rudely?

He didn't take care of the relationship.

We avoid conflict and confrontation because we are genetically predisposed to do so. You haven't done anything wrong. You just don't want to make a big deal out of it. It's your own lack of acceptance and recognition of that part of yourself that is afraid to face conflict and confrontation, and your belief that it is bad.

In this state, you can't resolve conflicts or contradictions in the relationship. You always feel inadequate, and you're tense. This is the problem.

Love yourself. You are worthy of love. You have done nothing wrong. Conflicts are normal. Don't think negatively about yourself. Stay away from people who are strange or disrespectful. It's okay if you can't face conflicts. Take your time and stay relaxed. Maybe all your problems will be solved.

Hello, girl! I can see the confusion you are facing right now, but I'm here to help! Hugs!

You are experiencing some growth issues, but you can overcome them! I give you a warm hug.

I bet you remember how your relationship with your mother was when you were born and a baby!

And how did your mother deal with your crying at the time?

Oh my goodness, is she going to ignore your crying and carry on with her own business?

If so, you will grow up feeling that the whole world is unsafe, which will lead to an avoidant attachment pattern.

And this pattern will affect the way you get along with other people and your lovers in the future.

So, girl, what are you going to do now?

I think you should definitely find a counselor and let her work with you to deal with and face your current problems!

I would highly recommend seeking the help of a professional counselor, as your current problem falls within the scope of the original family. This will help you to deal with and face your issues in a constructive way.

I'm really hopeful that you'll be able to resolve the issue you're facing soon!

I've got nothing more to say for now!

I really hope my answers are helpful and inspiring to you, young lady! I'm the respondent, and I study hard every day!

Here at Yixinli, the world and I love you! Best wishes!

Good day, my name is Duo Duo.

It appears that you have difficulty accepting yourself, and I am led to believe that you are seeking a change.

"What is the optimal course of action in this situation?"

"What is your desired course of action?"

"What is the appropriate course of action in this situation?"

"What is the optimal course of action?"

One may opt to either accept or change.

In the event that I am unable to accept a particular situation, I choose to alter it. Conversely, if I am unable to alter a situation, I choose to accept it.

I am fearful of confronting discord in interpersonal relationships and am reluctant to confront the anger of others. When I am in a conflict with someone and they express something unpleasant, I will subconsciously avoid the relationship, particularly if I perceive that I am also at fault. In severe cases, I may even experience a sense of fear and be unable to continue the relationship.

The question of whether one accepts oneself as one is is, at least at first glance, an uncertain one.

Such a belief leads to the formation of a negative self-image and a sense of self-disapproval.

However, this does not imply a lack of self-acceptance as a complete individual. Rather, it indicates an inability to accept the specific reaction, namely the individual coping mechanism of avoidance and shaking.

Let us consider the concept of acceptance. One way in which we may come to accept ourselves is through the process of rationalization.

An illustration of rationalization is the recognition that it is not feasible to maintain a relationship with every individual. This extends to encompass friendships, romantic relationships, and familial ties. It is therefore pertinent to inquire as to the proportion of one's daily life that is occupied by these relationships.

One must consider whether the current relationship is truly significant in one's life. What role does it play in one's social interactions, familial relationships, and romantic life?

One must consider the role that the relationship will play in one's life in the future. It is possible to choose to maintain the relationship or to terminate it.

"Abandoning a relationship" is a common phenomenon.

One can invest the requisite time and energy (assuming one has the requisite resources, as one might otherwise have to sacrifice other activities to maintain the relationship, such as one's study time or one's preferred forms of entertainment) to attempt to sustain the relationship, provided that it remains a viable and beneficial proposition. Alternatively, one can choose to terminate the relationship and reallocate one's time and attention to other pursuits.

One can rationalize avoidance behavior by providing an explanation for it, thereby facilitating acceptance of that behavior.

The concepts of right and wrong

He instills in you a sense of culpability, and from his perspective, you are at fault. From your perspective, however, the situation may be quite different.

What is the source of this discrepancy?

The question thus arises as to whether the biology teacher's online class was correctly blocked for the dissemination of pornographic material.

From this perspective, one may conclude that the subject in question is accepting the position of others while simultaneously ignoring their own.

The process of change is inextricably linked to the act of self-acceptance. The transition from a state of non-acceptance to one of acceptance is, in itself, a form of change.

There are numerous ways of expressing this idea, but ultimately, they are merely linguistic constructs.

Despite my efforts to confront arguments and conflicts directly, I consistently find myself retreating. What is the optimal course of action in this situation?

It appears that your objective in engaging with arguments and conflicts is to effect a change.

What aspects of your personality do you wish to alter?

There are numerous methods for modifying one's avoidance and reluctance, beyond the mere act of rationalization. The aforementioned approach represents merely one such method.

It is my sincere recommendation that you identify the optimal approach for your circumstances. Once you have done so, you will likely realize that your initial assessment was, in fact, accurate.

I wish you the best of success.

Hello! I just wanted to give you a warm hug from afar.

It's totally normal to feel a little scared when you're facing a conflict.

It's totally normal to want to avoid conflict. We all do! But when we do, it's often because we're worried that we're not good enough or that we've done something wrong. This is often because we're not very confident in ourselves or because we don't accept ourselves for who we are.

If you have a lot of self-rejection because you don't feel good about yourself, and you don't really know it, you might unintentionally show the world your inner self-rejection. You might think that people won't accept you for who you are. To avoid being hurt by being rejected, denied, or rejected, you might unintentionally choose to distance yourself from the relationship and avoid conflict.

It's important to remember that conflicts are totally normal in relationships. Having a conflict doesn't mean you're not good enough or that you did something wrong. It's often just because the two of you have different views and attitudes.

If you're in a conflict situation and it's making you feel hurt or uncomfortable, you can try to be brave and open with your feelings. It's okay to express your true feelings without judging others. At the same time, try to put yourself in their shoes and see the situation from their perspective. You might find a different way to approach the problem.

That is, to a large extent, conflict may deepen mutual understanding and trust, which is a great boost to the long-term development of the relationship.

It can be really helpful to try to be aware of the true feelings behind your desire to avoid conflict. For example, I long to be affirmed, accepted, appreciated, encouraged and supported, and I fear being rejected, being disliked and being denied. When you can try to be aware of the true feelings behind your desire to avoid conflict, you may discover better ways to respond and meet your needs. That is, be true to yourself in relationships and try to face conflicts bravely.

Hi, I'm Lily, the little ear of the Q&A Museum. I just wanted to say that I love you all!

Dear questioner,

It's clear that the questioner needs to build more security in their life. When someone is angry at us, it's natural to feel fear, but we can choose to face it head-on. Even if it's challenging, we can take steps to improve our confidence and overcome our fears. The trembling you mentioned is a sign that you're ready to embrace your inner strength. So, how do you face someone's anger and continue the relationship? My advice is:

Let's start with emotions and then dive into the nitty-gritty of solving problems!

For example, if a conflict occurs, we are bound to have some negative emotions, such as fear, resistance, grievance, and possibly the desire to hit back in anger. At that time, we can record these emotions, examine the reasons for their occurrence, and when the emotions have subsided, we can think about how to solve the problem. Communication is essential to any interpersonal relationship, and it is only through communication that problems can be solved. Otherwise, we will repeat the same mistakes next time—but we can avoid that by learning to communicate effectively!

And the best part is, you can fight back appropriately against people who hurt you! For example, if the other person says something offensive,

You can say, "I didn't swear at you, so please don't do the same to me, or I'll hit back." It's a simple concept, but it can have a huge impact! For example, if your boyfriend says something that hurts us, we can also say to each other, "Don't talk to me like that, it hurts me." If you keep hurting me with your words, I'll reconsider this relationship and won't continue it. Please also show me some respect.

Guess what! We can also return the harm we have suffered. This is an act of taking responsibility for oneself, and it is also a way to make the other person back off. Learning to protect oneself from harm is what adults need to learn, and it's a great skill to have!

And there's more! You can read books on interpersonal relationships or problem analysis, and seek advice and counsel on the Yi Xinli platform. All of these will be beneficial to you. You should establish the concept of lifelong learning, keep pace with the times, and improve your abilities in all aspects.

And the best part is, you can survive better in society by solving problems in a timely manner!

In short, the questioner needs to keep learning and overcome bad emotions and avoidance. Learning is the best way! In our lives, we will face many challenges and opportunities. If we can bravely accept the challenges, we will have the opportunity to continuously improve ourselves, develop our full potential, see more beautiful things in life, and experience more success and happiness.

I really hope this helps the questioner!