I am afraid that the other person will discover the real me and we will never be able to establish an intimate relationship. What should I do?

Hello, question asker!

From your description, it is clear that you have some inner feelings of insecurity, anxiety, and panic.

Tell me what happened to make you feel this way. And tell me what kind of strength supports you.

You need to find a solution to this problem.

Tell me, when do you not feel this way? What situations, activities, and people are associated with times when you don't feel this way?

These questions are all our resources. We can gain insight and draw strength from them.

I firmly believe that it is normal for you to feel this way, and that most people experience it too. We all have our own inferiority complexes, and in front of outsiders we are all relatively cheerful and enthusiastic, taking all the bad things out on ourselves.

When you have feelings and can express them, and want to find a breakthrough, you are already on the path to change. Our growth is often the driving force for change.

You said that everything seems normal to outsiders, but you know you have an inferiority complex and are afraid to communicate with girls. You also have certain expectations for intimacy, which is somewhat contradictory. Is that correct?

First, change your mindset and build your confidence.

A good attitude is the most important part of our lives. When we have a good attitude, we don't overthink, we're not easily offended, and we don't dwell on negative emotions. Instead, we can face everything in life with an open mind and accept ourselves. When we adjust our attitude, we become confident and powerful. It's not about knowing and doing, it's about consistency. We just have to keep going and make progress every day. One day, we will find our breakthrough.

Second, find a hobby to boost your confidence.

Everyone has multiple selves inside. You feel this way because you lack confidence. You deny yourself and doubt yourself. Find your interests and hobbies. Focus on them and gain a sense of accomplishment. Do this more and more. You will gain confidence. When you have confidence and strength, you will accept and embrace all of yourself.

Replace negative thoughts with positive ones.

I don't often have negative emotions. Everyone has them, and feeling down is normal. But we can replace negative thoughts with positive ones. Every morning and every night, repeat to yourself, "I am the best, I am the greatest, I allow myself to be all that I am. If I want, I will get better and better." Give yourself positive energy every day, and you will become more powerful.

You must learn to release negative emotions.

When we are trapped in emotions, we must learn to get rid of the bad emotions from our bodies. Only then can we become calm, quiet, and gain strength. Practice deep breathing through meditation, talk to someone, or vent through exercise. Exercise is the best way to relieve anxiety.

Seek help from external resources.

Each of us is unique and infinitely different. However, we can sometimes be hindered by negative emotions, preventing us from seeing our own strengths. When this happens, we can seek help from external resources, such as professional psychological counseling. These professionals will use professional and delicate techniques to help us explore the root causes in our subconscious and create a safe and peaceful environment for us to grow with strength.

We can also devote ourselves to the study of psychology. In the process of learning, we can heal ourselves while growing.

Read these three books: Mr. Toad Goes to the Psychiatrist, It's Worthwhile, and The Brain Code of Happiness.

I want to tell you that the world is big, and you are not alone. Many people feel this way. When you see this, you are healing yourself. Don't wait to be healed. Heal yourself.

We will always find a breakthrough that suits us, as long as we don't give up. Let's cheer together!

Hello, host!

From the landlord's description, we can see that the inner self and the outer self are inconsistent, which creates a conflicted mentality!

We all do it! Most of us, to a greater or lesser extent, will show a side of ourselves that is not our true self in our lives and work.

That's because it's necessary for work and also for survival. No worries!

So, when you feel that the external self is not in line with the internal self,

You don't need to feel guilty or conflicted. It's totally okay to have different sides to your personality!

As long as you fully accept these two selves, you can reduce a lot of conflict and suffering.

So, how can you fully accept yourself?

When you're true to yourself, you'll naturally present your true self to the outside world. And guess what? You'll attract people who like this personality!

Another great thing about being true to yourself is that it makes you feel really grounded in life, like you're exactly where you're meant to be.

You're absolutely right! When we live in a fake skin of ourselves, it's always us who suffer.

It's like that feeling you get when someone's been lying to you.

So, my dear friend, try to present the real you inside and be an open and honest person.

So, what's holding you back from being your true self?

Maybe deep down you're still struggling to accept your true self.

It's totally normal to be afraid that others won't like you or look down on you.

But you still have to fully accept this self. When you unconditionally accept this self,

You'll stop worrying about what others think and start being your true self!

All pain and feelings of being inferior are really just self-defeating and negative evaluations.

Tell yourself, "I may be ordinary, but I'm one of a kind."

This is just who I am. I like myself, I love myself.

I don't compare myself to others. I only compare myself to my past self, and I'm proud of who I am!

When you start focusing on what you can do to become a better version of yourself than yesterday,

You'll become so confident that you'll only hear your own voice, and you'll be so full of self-assurance that you won't even hear any external voices!

I am the best, and I can do better! I am full of confidence, and I'm here for you to see it!

This will gradually change the way you think about yourself, and you'll start to feel more confident.

This is a mental and spiritual exercise, my friend.

It's also a great idea to combine this with some regular physical exercise and to maintain a weight and body shape that makes you feel confident.

I promise you, these changes will naturally come from within, and you will become more confident!

It's okay, we all have our moments. I know you're trying your best, but right now, you're only tough on the outside and pretending to look good.

But sweetheart, the real you inside still hasn't really felt how good you are.

So, first accept yourself, then try to change the inner self, and ultimately achieve total acceptance of yourself. You've got this!

I really hope the original poster can find the real you!

I'm Warm June, and I just want to say that I love you, the world, and I love you too!

I hope my answer helps you.

First of all, you are not incapable of falling in love just because you are in your thirties. There are plenty of opportunities, and as long as you adjust yourself, you can certainly still find love and get married. So, what should you do when faced with who you are now?

I advise you to do the following:

Know yourself and accept your imperfect, objective self.

Let's be honest, we're all afraid that others won't like us. I used to be the same way. I would show others my perfect side, thinking that they would like me because I was good and perfect. But when I showed my bad side, they didn't like me.

I later realized that I cared so much about whether other people liked me because I didn't like myself enough. There's a law in psychology: when you lack something within, you seek it outside.

If you don't like yourself, you'll want others to like you. If you don't accept yourself, you'll want others to accept you. If you don't believe in yourself, you'll want others to believe in you.

However, you will find that the outside world is really unstable, and it seems really difficult to find someone who can give us unconditional acceptance, love, and trust. Therefore, we will become even more doubtful about ourselves. But the truth is that the only way to overcome these issues is to look within, accept ourselves, and embrace our imperfect, complete selves.

When you fully accept yourself, you will experience a higher degree of acceptance within yourself. Conversely, your inner strength will grow, and you will no longer care whether others like you or not, because you will have accepted yourself fully. The amazing thing is that when we accept ourselves, we can present self-acceptance and self-affirmation to others, which will make them like us more. As the saying goes, when you start to love yourself, the whole world will come to love you.

2. We must be true to ourselves and take care of our own needs.

If we always consider the feelings of others in interpersonal relationships, meet the needs of others, and ignore our own needs, or even suppress our feelings and needs, we will become blocked emotionally. Our hearts will be unable to express our needs, and our true selves will be hidden. This will result in our emotions becoming worse and worse, and we will become less and less fond of ourselves.

You have to be true to yourself. People who like you will like you, understand you, and support you, whether you are true to yourself or not. There will always be people who like you and people who don't. So, be the real you!

This is how we attract people who really like us.

You must learn to express your feelings and needs and present the real you. When you can be more authentic, your inner world will become more harmonious and more relaxed.

I know this is difficult, but you must start adjusting yourself and finding safe relationships to express yourself. You will get closer and closer to the real you you're looking for. As you dare to be your true self, your own strength and energy will also become stronger.

3. You will meet that other half who can accept your true self when you have confidence in your own intimate relationships.

Faith has been proven to have great power in many psychological experiments. Believe in something and it will go smoothly. Don't believe in something and you will encounter a lot of obstacles.

If you don't believe you can find your own love and marriage, you won't look for an intimate relationship. You'll never find it. But if you believe you can find happiness, you will. You will actively explore and meet your love.

Seek help from a marriage and family counselor if you can. They can help you break free from your shackles and find happiness.

This is for reference only. Best wishes!

Dear questioner,

I'm grateful for the opportunity to answer your question.

From what you've written, it seems like you're not entirely comfortable with the person you are in front of others. It's understandable that you might have some reservations about your true self.

It seems there may be some inconsistency in your approach. When you're around other people, you act in a way that is perceived as "normal" and "friendly," but you have a different perception of yourself as a "selfish and inferior" person. This discrepancy can lead to feelings of discomfort and unease. It's understandable that you might feel conflicted between wanting to be authentic and not wanting to appear differently in front of others. This can be a challenging situation to navigate.

Later, you mention that you have many friends, but you're not comfortable discussing a romantic partner. If someone makes the first move, you tend to politely decline. Now that you're in your thirties, you've found it challenging to experience love and even the idea of going on a blind date can be daunting.

Perhaps the challenge now is that even thinking about it can feel overwhelming, and you're unsure of how to approach it.

Perhaps the best place to start would be to try being yourself.

Do you ever feel uncomfortable with the way you interact with others? We all have our own unique ways of adapting to our surroundings, including our interpersonal, social, and natural environments. This allows us to cope with life more comfortably. If you feel dissatisfied with your way of life, it may be because you have (or want to have) a new and better way, but you haven't yet put it into practice. While you are dissatisfied with the status quo, you may feel unable to make changes, which can cause you to feel bad, confused, anxious, and other negative emotional reactions. Coupled with the fact that you say you actually feel inferior inside, it's understandable that you might become dissatisfied with yourself, and that life and work can become a kind of ordeal.

I believe you said that you are friendly, which seems to be an affirmation of the self that you show. It seems that the people around you feel the same way. However, it seems that you don't like the friendly self, and you seem to want to be a little more selfish. Could it be that you always give in your daily life, dare not ask for returns, but are unwilling to accept it?

It might be helpful to consider why you think this way. Is it related to family relationships, or have you experienced instances in the past where you felt hurt by others because of your perceived selfishness? It seems you are used to giving and may be hesitant to prioritize your own needs, while simultaneously having many unmet needs.

You might find it helpful to talk to a counselor, share your experiences in a relevant community, or read some books on interpersonal relationships to help you release your emotions and understand your inner needs.

Perhaps we could try to understand ourselves objectively. For example, your work. On the one hand, you say that your work is "not bad," but then you say, "I'm not very capable and I don't earn much." This seems to indicate a conflict.

It may be the case that your current job is not meeting your expectations, but it seems to be viewed quite differently by others. Could we explore ways to enhance our skills and capabilities?

It would be helpful to consider which aspects of your work you are less satisfied with. It might be helpful to make a note of things like income, job content, working hours, workplace, work flexibility, and career development.

Perhaps a similar approach could be helpful in addressing dissatisfaction with one's abilities. It might be beneficial to identify a relatively relaxed and rational time to consider which areas could benefit from improvement, with the goal of achieving twice the result with half the effort.

Finally, I'd like to address the topic of intimacy and interpersonal relationships. I must admit that the thought of going on a blind date makes me feel a bit uneasy.

Perhaps you're going on blind dates because you're in your 30s and feel that having a family is something you should have achieved by now, which can feel pressuring. Or maybe you're going on blind dates because you're feeling pressure from your family. Whatever the reason, it seems that you're not fully prepared inside, because you're afraid that others might not accept your true self. This can lead to feelings of "selfish and inferior," which can make it challenging to accept yourself fully.

Perhaps we could allow ourselves more time to take action and accept ourselves? It's possible that what you perceive as inferiority and selfishness may not seem so bad to others. It's possible that it's your inferiority complex that's at play, making you feel bad about yourself and the need to put on an act in front of others. It can be quite tiring.

You might find it helpful to read the book Low Self-Esteem and Beyond. You could also try posting your thoughts anonymously on Yixinli, where there are many different communities where you can chat with people who are in a similar situation.

I hope these thoughts will provide some inspiration and insight.

You are not alone on the road ahead. I wish you the best.

Hello, I'm the place of peace.

In your description, you work well and are friendly in your daily life, but you feel that this is not the real you. The real you is selfish, inferior, incompetent, and doesn't earn much.

I'd like to ask, is the real self you perceive just something you think yourself, or has someone told you that's how you come across?

If you've made this evaluation yourself, what has led you to do so? Have you ever had any experiences that might have shaped this view?

Can you tell me what made you think you were selfish, inferior, incompetent, and didn't earn much?

When did you start to judge yourself like this? Was it in childhood?

Did this start in primary school or secondary school?

Did this happen at university? Or after work?

If this self-evaluation has been going on for a while, I'm curious how you've managed to keep going. How do you handle your emotions?

From what you've said, it seems like you have a lot of friends. I'm wondering if you're being true to yourself with them.

Apart from yourself, do you think anyone else knows the real you? What about your parents?

Do they know? Do you also need to pretend in front of them?

If so, you might want to think back to your childhood and look at how you related to your parents. Did they have high expectations of you? Did you try hard to grow up to meet their expectations in order to satisfy them?

Do you think that if you meet their expectations, they'll be satisfied with you? Is that why you try to get their praise, recognition, affirmation, care, and protection?

Maybe you've spent so long living up to your parents' expectations that you've started to believe you'll only be liked if you're perfect. That once people find out about your flaws, they'll reject and abandon you.

So I have to protect myself and keep my cards close to my chest because I don't want to be disliked and abandoned.

"

I'm sorry, but I can only speculate based on the limited information I have. Please forgive me if I'm wrong, and I hope you can give me feedback.

I'd also like to ask about your romantic experiences in your 30s.

If so, how did you get along? What led to the separation?

If not, I'd like to ask, do you expect it? Do you expect to experience and feel the wonderful feeling that everyone yearns for?

Given that you're willing to come to the platform for potential assistance, I assume you have some aspirations, right?

Just being here on the platform shows that you want to change. When you have the courage and motivation to change, you're already on the path to solving the problem.

Ultimately, I suggest you take a step back and think about this: Is my perception of the real self accurate? Is it fair, objective, and correct?

Or is it just an excuse to protect ourselves from being hurt? If I face others as my true self, is it really as bad as I think?

"Is it really true that no girl will like me?"

Instead of dwelling on it, we might as well take the plunge, face it, experience it, and feel it. The key is that you are willing to muster the courage to take that step.

You might be wondering, "How do you know it's a surprise?" Well, I don't know for sure. But if we don't experience it, how will we know if the result is as we expected?

Even if it's not a pleasant surprise, but rather pain, sadness, disappointment, frustration, and depression, what does it matter? At least we can gain experience from it and find a direction, right?

Don't let what others think define you. Just be yourself.

"The reeds are green, the white dew is frost. The person I love is on the other side of the water."

Don't put any limits on yourself. Go after your love with confidence. Believe that the person you like is waiting for you.

Best of luck to you!

Dear question asker,

I would like to commend you for your perceptiveness. As humans become increasingly socialized, they tend to deviate further and further from their natural selves. In order to adapt to societal norms, individuals often find themselves living with a mask, and some are aware of this phenomenon, while others are not.

It is beneficial to be aware of these issues, and on the surface, you appear to be a friendly individual with a stable job. Due to the necessity to survive and be accepted by others, you must adhere to the norms that are commonly accepted by society. There is no need to feel ashamed of this.

Consider the potential consequences of individuals losing their social skills and revealing their true selves. Such a scenario could result in a lack of empathy, a disregard for social norms, and an inclination to engage in constant conflict over a multitude of interests.

It is accurate to conclude that one's authentic self is egocentric and inferior. From an evolutionary perspective, all living organisms are inherently selfish, as their primary objective is to survive and perpetuate their genes. If an individual lacks this fundamental trait of selfishness and exhibits no concern for their own survival, life itself would not be possible.

In Adler's view, human inferiority is also innate. As humans grapple with and coexist with nature, they encounter numerous ideas that cannot be realized, leading to a profound sense of their own insignificance and powerlessness. Furthermore, human society often emphasizes competition and comparison. As long as there is comparison, there will be a distinction between the high and the low. It is inevitable that some will always be superior to others, leading to a universal experience of inferiority.

One might posit that there are individuals in one's immediate vicinity who do not exhibit signs of inferiority complexes. These individuals can be classified into two distinct categories. The first category comprises individuals who are reluctant to acknowledge the presence of inferiority complexes and who, as a result, adopt a defensive and somewhat conceited demeanor. However, this outward appearance of confidence and self-assurance is, in fact, a mere facade.

The second individual demonstrates a profound recognition and acceptance of their inferiority. They exhibit an ability to comprehend both their own shortcomings and those of others. When such individuals are understood and accepted, the issue of inferiority is rendered moot.

It is my contention that the mere existence of a false self is not inherently problematic. The issue lies in the lack of acceptance of one's true self. There seems to be an assumption that being a perfect person, universally admired and praised, is inherently beneficial.

It is recommended that the initial step be to acknowledge that this is the genuine self and that there is no inherent deficiency. This is an innate human tendency, shaped by genetic predispositions. Sigmund Freud postulated that the existence of society is, to some extent, antithetical to human nature. It is not possible to fully deviate from societal norms, nor can one disregard one's personal aspirations in deference to societal expectations.

It is inevitable that conflicts will arise within us throughout our lives.

Secondly, it is important to develop a more nuanced understanding of oneself. One's self-perception may be influenced by external factors, such as comparisons to others.

Have you ever considered yourself in comparison to individuals who are less capable and earn less than you? Is it necessary for you to be more capable and earn more than others in order to be liked and accepted?

Thirdly, if one is currently experiencing a significant apprehension towards the prospect of romantic attachment, it is possible to initiate a relationship without undue haste. Instead, it may be beneficial to direct one's attention towards activities that evoke positive affect, cultivate personal interests and hobbies, foster a greater sense of enjoyment in life, and cultivate self-acceptance. These actions may facilitate the emergence of romantic attachment in a more organic manner.

In conclusion, I recommend the book The Courage to Be Disliked to you, and I hope you will have the courage to accept your imperfect self.

My name is Haru Aoki, and I extend my love to the world.

Hello! I totally get it.

Everyone has a "little devil" living inside them, and that "little devil" is the truest version of you! It's a collection of various desires, which is also your "true self."

In reality, everyone wears a mask. But why? Because a real conflict with the "true self" would only make each other unacceptable. So in order to hide their desires, reach a compromise, get along with each other, or make others and the team accept them better, we somehow restrain our desires, present our best face to others or society, and coordinate to deal with various conflicts. This is what people call high emotional intelligence and high IQ—and it's an amazing thing!

And before you know it, this becomes the way you should live! This is the "true self"!

But the "little devil" inside you says, "I've pretended enough. I'm ready to show my true self! The real me is not like this." Your inner conflict rages on, but you're ready to take it on!

To show the best side of yourself, you may have to put on a show, flash a fake smile, and put yourself in a difficult position to please others. But it'll all be worth it when you show them who you really are!

Your true inner thoughts won't allow you to do so, so you are in excruciating pain. But you know that you can do better!

You have lived under a mask for too long now. You let others feel your kindness, but you are excited to show the world your true abilities!

In order to maintain this "good" state, you may try your best to hide your shortcomings and problems, and always show enthusiasm and warmth to others, so that others feel comfortable. But you know that one day this balloon will be burst, and you'll be ready for it!

The good news is that you can resolve this conflict between your true self and your original self, and between your inner heart and reality. All you need to do is build up your self-confidence and keep improving yourself!

When you are full of confidence, you will face challenges with self-improvement, and you'll be able to coordinate and handle your true inner thoughts and your actual life. Difficulties are all opportunities!

When you are afraid of failure, afraid that your every mistake will make others look down on you, the problems you face are all pressure, a mountain of pressure that is suffocating you. But you can overcome this!

You long for love, and you're ready to go out there and find it! You long for friendship, and you're excited to build those connections. You want to show your best side, and you're ready to shine!

Mentally, you have already lost. But that's OK! Your inner "little devil" says, "No, I want it," but your realistic self says, "I can't, I won't be able to get it."

You know what you want!

If you can let your true self and your real self become one and solve the problem with confidence, then your problem will no longer be a problem!

Hello, question asker!

I admire your courage, your sincerity, and your compassion. I can see your apprehension about growing older and your longing to form close connections. I believe that if you embrace yourself fully, you'll be able to integrate your desire to form intimate relationships as you age.

Guess what! You're not the only one with a split personality!

I've been feeling the same way recently! On the outside, I appear capable, enthusiastic, and kind, but on the inside, I'm learning to recognize my inferiority, sensitivity, jealousy, and desire to control. When I discovered this side of me, my inner world did collapse a little. I started avoiding previous interactions with people, became self-doubting, and self-critical. But I'm so grateful for the platform of Yi Xin Li! The updates I post about my inner world will be read by many strangers, who encourage and comfort me. With this strength, I've also begun to explore further!

I've always known that I have not formed a very stable sense of self and am easily influenced by others and the environment. But today, when I was looking for the book "The Healing Power of Psychoanalysis" online, I saw this answer that really resonated with me: "The root cause of false self-issues lies in cultural upbringing, according to psychologist Susie Orbach."

I don't know what your childhood was like, but I'm sure it was amazing! This quote really resonates with me: "After internalizing the expectations of society, we will overdevelop certain aspects of ourselves at the cost of suppressing our own potential. This leads to a separation between our body and mind, a long-term state of self-doubt, an inability to trust our instincts, and a growing distance from our true selves.

We all need to integrate our conscious and unconscious minds to become a whole person, a stable person, a truthful and powerful person. It is so important to have a psychoanalytic counseling related to sandplay. I chose to integrate my conscious and unconscious minds through self-study of psychology, and it was one of the best decisions I've ever made!

I highly recommend that you follow the WeChat public account for psychoanalysis and sandplay! The 13th National Conference on Psychoanalysis and Sandplay is being broadcast online for two days, and you can learn more about it.

I'm Zhang Huili, a psychological counselor, and I'm thrilled to be able to help you! Having a clear understanding of oneself is an essential first step on the path to personal transformation. Well done, you've already taken this crucial step! I'm excited for us all to fully blossom and encounter all the good things in life in the future.

Dear Sir/Madam, You have chosen to share your thoughts and feelings on this platform, which is not something that most people are willing to do. You have a positive outlook, courage, and wisdom. I hope my analysis and interpretation will be of benefit to you.

People assume different social roles, and each of these roles presents a different aspect of ourselves. For instance, in the workplace, we may be proactive, dress appropriately, and demonstrate determination and decisiveness to align with the established norms and complete work projects. In our personal lives, we may be dutiful children who are attentive to our parents or patient parents who educate our children. When we are alone, we may be more relaxed, wear comfortable and casual clothes, and our hair may not be as neat. We may also enjoy tea and books as our company. These behaviors are all perfectly normal.

As you stated, your everyday self has a good job, a friendly personality, and the real you is a selfish and inferior person with no abilities and not a high income, a weirdo who can't get along with most people. This is your subjective assessment of yourself. Selfishness and inferiority stem from comparing yourself with others. Not having any abilities but actually being in a good position means you are qualified, don't you agree?

If your income is limited, it is advisable to proceed with caution. It is not always beneficial to attempt to gain the approval of both sides. Given the limited time we have in this life, it is important to prioritize the people who matter most.

Your everyday self and your so-called true self are actually the same. It is advisable to make friends naturally. If there is a connection, it is recommended to socialize. If the other person is a true friend, they will accept you for who you are. Everyone is imperfect, and true friends recognize this. The fact that they chose you as a friend means that you have something attractive to offer.

Therefore, whether you are making friends or a romantic partner, the key point is to relax and not be so nervous. You are unique in the world, so just go with the flow. I wish you the best.

Good day.

I can sense some of your anxiety.

You may feel that you are holding back from getting involved with others, perhaps because you are worried that they will see your true self.

It's possible that you've come to believe that others can only accept your positive qualities and not your imperfections. This is particularly common in one-on-one intimate relationships.

Perhaps it would be more beneficial to consider that in a genuine relationship, it is possible to present one's authentic self, embracing both one's strengths and weaknesses. By doing so, it may be possible to find a partner with whom one can support and encourage each other, fostering mutual growth.

It's important to remember that nobody is perfect. We're all just doing our best.

It's important to remember that no one you meet is perfect. It's also helpful to avoid becoming too obsessed with the idea of "perfection," which is an illusion in itself.

You mentioned that you feel you are "a strange person who is selfish and inferior, has no ability, and can't get along with most people." This comment may be perceived as harsh on yourself.

It might be helpful to remember that selfishness is a natural part of human nature, and that low self-esteem is also a common problem. Having a decent job is a reflection of one's abilities, and the fact that you can't get along with most people is just an introverted personality, not a sign of being weird.

Falling in love is a process of temporarily setting aside some of your self-boundaries and having your values collide with those of another person. It is a process of mutual selection. If you remain stagnant, it may be challenging to move beyond this self-doubting cycle.

You are still quite young at thirty, so perhaps you could consider bravely going out and interacting with the opposite sex. You might find that you are lucky in this regard.

I hope that you will soon find your other half.

Hello! I'm excited to share my thoughts on the questioner who seems to be full of aggression towards himself.

After reading your message, I'm filled with hope! I'm wondering, though, how much do you dislike and hate yourself that you choose to stay away from love and put yourself in a lonely position?

I have another question for you! It's about your parents. What do you think of them?

I'd love to know more about their relationship! And I'm really interested in hearing your thoughts on your relationship with your parents.

I'm really curious about this because I have an assumption, which is that underneath your dislike of yourself, there is also resentment towards your parents, and there may even be an element of resentment. That's why you choose to resist intimacy, expressing your grievances, dissatisfaction, and even aggression towards your parents.

I'm so excited to share this with you! Of course, this is just my assumption, and if it has hurt you, please forgive me.

Our attitude towards intimacy is shaped by our parents' relationship. They are our first mentors! Their attitude and expression of love, as well as their mode of interaction, all influence our attitude towards marriage and love, and our desire for intimacy.

Another fascinating aspect is our choice of a partner. Amazingly, scientific research has shown that nearly 70% of men and women choose a partner similar to their mother or father, while the other 30% choose a partner completely opposite to their parents. You can simply recall the personality of someone you have a good impression of or been close to. Is there anything about her that reminds you of your mother?

We really hope that by sorting this out together, you can see that sometimes our resistance to intimacy has less to do with the person themselves and more to do with the relationship between your parents. The relationship patterns between you have made you somewhat resistant to love and closeness. But don't worry! If you long to approach intimacy, you can read or watch the book or video "The Intimacy Course" by Lin Wentse.

This course is going to give you a whole new perspective on intimate relationships! You can combine it with your own situation to do a simple analysis and then plan the next step.

You mentioned that you have an outward self and an inner self, and that there is a big gap between the two. This is totally normal! As we get older, we get to adapt better to society, and we get to long for acceptance and affection from others. So gradually, we develop an appearance: one that is easygoing, hardworking, friendly, etc. We generally call it a personality mask, and it ensures that we can get along with people, even those we don't like!

It's the key to personal fulfillment and achievement! It's the foundation of social and public life.

Personality masks can be either beneficial or harmful to the whole personality. If a person is overly enthusiastic about and absorbed in the role they play, and if they identify themselves solely with the role they play, it can be a great opportunity for growth!

People who are dominated by personality masks like this gradually become alienated from their true nature and live in a state of tension. This is because there is a sharp contradiction and conflict between the overdeveloped personality mask and the other parts of the personality that are very underdeveloped. But there is hope! If the personality mask places too much trust, then its development will inevitably come at the expense of the development of other components of the personality structure. This is something we can work on together to improve mental health!

And there's more! Psychological problems such as mask disorder may also occur.

And so, the other part of the real you that you discover is some of our other character traits, which are often closer to the instinctive part of human nature and also show more shadows, the so-called bad side.

When we look up at the sun, we are first attracted by its dazzling light, but we often overlook the shadow it casts on the ground. These are all attributes of the sun!

If we are all the same, there are positive, active, and selfish, negative parts. And these make up the real and complete us!

Embracing your shadow side is an incredible journey that we all embark on at one point or another. It's a process that allows us to become more complete and realize our full potential. And guess what? You can do it too!

Now, why do you resist your bad parts so much? It's likely related to your sense of self-worth and security. I highly recommend that you listen to the book "Can a Child Who Has Been Hurt Grow Up Healthy?" from Yi Xinli. It's a game-changer!

I really hope it can give you a whole new perspective on how to perceive yourself and help you get closer to yourself!

And finally, I wish that we can all love the real us!

Hello. I can see you're having some problems. Before we talk about them, I want to wish you a happy New Year. If you let me, I'd also like to give you a big hug.

Many people feel this way. They feel like they are "inconsistent." You said, "I feel that there is a real me underneath the everyday me." When you are out, you present a self that meets others' expectations. When you are alone, you present a self-state that only you can feel and accept. You also said, "the real me is selfish and inferior."

I don't know what you went through growing up that made you feel this way. You want to find a solution.

You're not just "the way you look in other people's eyes." You're not "the way you describe yourself." Get to know yourself. Evaluate yourself more objectively. Adjust your methods and strategies for interacting with others. Start by not refusing to date a girlfriend.

This is just my opinion. Take care of yourself.

Hello! I'm moving on to new things.

I think you're very aware of yourself. You do a great job in your daily life, and you're friendly. This is the you that shows the world the way you want it to see you.

You might think, "I'm a selfish, inferior person with no abilities and a low income. I'm weird and can't get along with most people." It's interesting to think about whose voice that is.

Parents? Teachers?

Boss?

We all have strengths and weaknesses. Put them together and you get a complete self. So, the complete you is not only selfish, inferior, and unable to get along with people. You also have a good job, earn enough to support yourself, and a friendly personality.

"Every day, I put on a front. I get nervous when I think that someone will find out how terrible and unpresentable I really am, and I naturally distance myself from other people."

The main reason for your situation is that you only accept the good side of yourself, the side that is recognized by the outside world, and do not accept the other side of yourself, the weaker side. This can lead to internal conflicts and issues.

We should remember that nobody's perfect, and you and I are no exception. Accepting the real you, the good and the bad, the strengths and weaknesses, is what makes us complete people!

At work, we just put on a mask and show the best version of ourselves. And we can change masks at any time, because we have to adapt to different social roles, such as son, classmate, subordinate, leader, etc.

In accordance with Freud's personality theory, there are three distinct types of "I" in an individual: the ego, the id, and the superego.

The ego is driven by the pursuit of happiness.

The id adheres to the principle of reality, considering the objective requirements of reality when undertaking actions and seeking to avoid harm and pursue benefits.

The superego adheres to moral principles and performs actions based on an evaluation of what one's inner moral compass deems appropriate, the most effective course of action, and the highest moral standards.

As perceived by the questioner:

Does this contribute to my overall performance? The "everyday you" is your "id."

The true identity is the "self."

Furthermore, the ability to interact with others in a socially acceptable manner, to form and maintain relationships, and to respond to the needs of others is also a key indicator of success.

When individuals are able to interact positively with others and form connections, do they perceive this as aligning with the standards set by their superego?

An individual who exhibits alignment with these three aspects is regarded as exhibiting a healthy state of being.

It is often the case that individuals with a high standard of superego are more prone to experiencing difficulties. This is because they feel compelled to adhere to certain standards of behaviour.

To illustrate, the authentic self does not hold such a belief, and the authentic self is not inherently problematic.

I can improve my performance. I am not as aligned with the norm as I should be.

However, these are all significant misconceptions.

The term "true self" can be understood by considering the following analogy: Imagine you and I are sharing a lemon. You may dislike it because it is too sour and you do not find it palatable, whereas others may find it perfectly acceptable.

The more others find it unappealing, the more he values it.

If you perceive this situation as unfavorable, it is an accurate reflection of your genuine sentiments.

Even if it is an unpleasant realization, when something unfavorable occurs, one's initial response may be that they could be perceived as selfish, inferior, narcissistic, or even peculiar.

As long as that is your genuine sentiment, it is an accurate reflection of your true self.

If you believe that these actions are inappropriate, it is likely that your superego is influencing your thoughts.

It is human nature to avoid harm and seek gain. When faced with a negative situation, the natural response is to react in a similar manner.

It is therefore important for our own benefit to recognize and accept ourselves. We must acknowledge that we are not perfect and that we do not possess the attributes of a saint. However, we must also recognize that we are just one of many.

The fundamental reality of life is that it is a single, unified entity.

This is the status quo.

As you mentioned, when operating within a social context, our authentic selves are compelled to align with objective reality. This often necessitates a degree of pretense, even when we are unhappy.

You have been the victim of various forms of mistreatment. However, you must maintain a respectful and compliant demeanor, even when interacting with those in positions of authority. It is essential to align your actions with your goals and objectives, and to maintain a positive and professional image.

Direction:

If you believe that the persona you present on a daily basis represents your complete identity, I ask you to consider this: what leads you to believe that others do not see through you?

Have others seen through your facade to spare your feelings, or have they not seen through it at all?

If you believe that your daily facade is so convincing that others are unaware of your true self, then what evidence supports this assumption?

Others are not engaging in any form of pretense. They demonstrate the exemplary and relaxed natural state that you admire and envy.

Is it possible that this is merely a disguise?

He is simply employing the same tactics as you to avoid being discovered.

To see beyond one's own perspective, to acknowledge limitations, and to communicate effectively without imposing one's own views unnecessarily are key aspects of professional conduct.

This is what is commonly referred to as "high emotional intelligence."

By respecting the thoughts and feelings of others, you can avoid causing embarrassment or inconvenience.

The same is true for you.

Do you respect your own thoughts, feelings, and inner self, and achieve a balance between your personal and professional selves?

Is it preferable to be content with your current limitations and maintain a positive outlook, or do you consistently focus on potential improvements and ways to enhance your performance?

If you are concerned about whether you are average, have you considered how this affects others?

If you have an interest in pursuing a relationship with this individual, it would be logical to conclude that you would prefer not to be in their company. Given your level of interest, it would be more beneficial to you if you were not required to force yourself to get along with them.

It may be advisable to reconsider the value of joint activities.

If you are not concerned about your own feelings, how can you be sure that others are not affected by your actions?

It is even possible that, despite your concerns, they are not bothered by your actions.

It is important to either judge others by your own standards or put yourself in their shoes. However, it is crucial to maintain a healthy sense of self-awareness and avoid being overly harsh on yourself, excessively idealizing others, or being overly critical of others while idealizing yourself.

There is a discrepancy between our perception of how the world works and the reality of how it functions.

It would be beneficial to get out and interact with other people, as well as observe the real world.

If you require further information, please do not hesitate to request it. Once you have obtained the necessary details, you will be in a position to make an informed decision. Once you have made your decision, it is important to accept responsibility for your own actions.

Do not make things more challenging for yourself or for others. Live life, gain more knowledge, and gain more experience. You will then see that the world you perceive is not the same as the world you will finally perceive.

The above is for your reference and may be of benefit.

From another perspective, it is possible that other individuals may exhibit similar characteristics to those described by the original poster. They may behave in a socially acceptable manner in public settings, demonstrate competence and reliability in their professional roles, possess a friendly disposition, and possess a multitude of positive attributes. However, when they retreat to the privacy of their homes, they may reveal a sense of discontent with their own self-perception and a belief that they are not as highly regarded as they believe others to be.

Human growth is a process of continuous socialization. Individuals assume different roles in different situations, based on the requirements of learning, work, and socialization. They act in accordance with the demands of the situation, while suppressing thoughts that may have emerged but are inappropriate.

If the socialization process is consistent with our inner selves, then we will experience less repression and suffering, and our outer and inner selves will be more unified. Conversely, if some of the socialization processes are unavoidable and different from our inner desires, it may lead to the situation the original poster is in now, where they doubt and deny themselves, avoid intimate relationships, and only want to show the good side of their socialized selves to others.

This is a process that everyone undergoes as they grow older, gain experience, and accumulate life experience. In the conflict between reality and ideals, they constantly adjust their worldview and perspective, searching for more and more appropriate paths to satisfy their unfulfilled inner needs, so that they can be more at peace and more open.

Given that my inner needs remain unfulfilled and I am unprepared to embark upon an intimate relationship, I do not believe it is necessary for me to impose any particular constraints upon myself in terms of when, at what age, and what I should do.

It is essential to prioritize one's own emotional well-being before attempting to support a partner's emotional needs.

Hello, I'm Fei Yun, a heart exploration coach.

I understand your feelings. You feel like you're wearing a mask in life, and the real you is not perfect. You're worried and afraid that people will discover the real you, which has prevented you from establishing an intimate relationship. This is causing you distress, and you want to change. You just need the courage to do it.

Let's share and discuss.

1. If you want others to affirm and recognize you, you must first accept yourself.

Each of us has multiple facets. We are children to our parents, subordinates to our leaders, neighbors, colleagues, friends, and so on. Different identities give us different responsibilities and different expressions.

Everyone has an unknown side to them, but this does not make us "hypocritical" or "unbearable." It is not a reflection of insincerity or being bad.

As adults, we must follow certain rules. These rules are essential for getting along with others, such as filial piety towards parents and loyalty towards leaders and companies.

Using a set of rules and standards to measure our different identities and roles simply won't work. It's not aligned with the flexibility and growth of adulthood.

You are afraid of establishing an intimate relationship because you are unwilling to accept your imperfect self. This causes you to have expectations on the one hand and fear on the other when it comes to love and intimate relationships.

You're afraid of being hurt again in an intimate relationship. You need to get over that fear and jump onto the dance floor.

You have to set out to arrive.

2. Reclaim your confidence and show the world your true self.

To love and be loved is a kind of ability. Some people lack the ability to love because they were not loved as children. They did not receive the ability to love and connect with others from their parents.

When parents constantly criticize, accuse, and deny themselves and ignore their own feelings, they develop a self-defense mechanism. They "wrap" and "disguise" themselves so that they feel safe and protected from harm.

As a child, I lacked the independence to change or escape from what was happening. Now, as an adult, I am my own "significant other" and provide myself with the "psychological nutrition" I need to grow up healthy, both physically and mentally.

Start with the simplest thing: give yourself constant positive feedback.

In this world, you need someone to affirm, praise, and approve of you the most. If not you, then who? If not now, then when?

In an intimate relationship, and in the parent-child relationship in the future, what is needed first and foremost is a warm you, not a "perfect" you. Just like a mother, her child needs a mother with warmth, even if she is perfect.

Intimacy means being free from fear. Look past your fears to find this precious gift in life. What important life lesson is hidden behind your fear?

And do it with all your heart.

It is often an emotional need that we long for but cannot get from our parents, and we take it seriously. In an intimate relationship, we can see ourselves reflected, and we are nourished and healed.

I am confident that the above will be helpful to you, and I love you.

If you want to continue the conversation, click "Find a Coach" in the lower right corner to chat.

Hello? Is this the host?

My name is Ma Na, and I'm a psychological counselor. I hope we can work together to get to know yourself better.

Each of us is our own expert. We understand every thought we have and know what we are thinking at every moment. However, sometimes we don't understand why we think and feel the way we do in certain situations, and why we can't really feel happy when others see our glamorous and beautiful appearance. It seems that even we ourselves can't fully identify the source of our difficulties.

From your description, I can sense your distress. It seems that there may be two aspects of yourself that are in conflict: the authentic you and the constructed you. You seem eager to resolve this internal conflict. I also hope to provide some assistance in this matter.

I believe that the "fake you" you're referring to is, in fact, the real you in real life. This you is shaped by your social role. Factors like your profession, the people you interact with, and the way you present yourself in social situations are all genuine aspects of your identity, reflecting your external self.

I'm curious about why you've made this kind of evaluation of yourself.

If you're open to it, we can talk about what might be holding you back from accepting yourself.

I believe that everyone has their own hidden inadequacies and vulnerabilities. People who love you will accept you for everything, good and bad, because that is the real you. It's possible that your fear of blind dates is rooted in your own denial and rejection of yourself, and the resulting fear of others seeing your vulnerability and even more so of their rejection of you, because you don't believe that such a vulnerable and inadequate self can be accepted by others.

Perhaps it would be helpful to focus on getting to know yourself and accepting your imperfections as a starting point.

I would also like to reassure you that you are not alone and that we are here to support you.

Good day.

After carefully reading your question, it seems that you are seeking to gain self-awareness regarding the "true self" and the "everyday self."

I will do my best to provide you with the following analysis and suggestions.

[Try to understand yourself from a personality perspective]

The subject offers insights into their thoughts and descriptions of the "true self" and "everyday self."

It might also be recognized in psychology from the perspective of personality.

Personality can be understood as the internal tendencies and psychological characteristics of one's behavior towards other people, things, and oneself as an individual in the course of life and society. It could be said that personality is a unique mental and physical organization.

There are a number of different theories in personality psychology that study the structure of personality. One of the more well-known is the structural model of the psychoanalytic school of thought put forth by Sigmund Freud, which divides personality into three parts: the id, the ego, and the superego.

It could be said that the "true self" is akin to the id.

The subject's description of "the real me is selfish and inferior, with no abilities and not very high income. I'm a weirdo who can't get along with most people" could be interpreted as a reflection of the id.

The id is located in the unconscious and consists of one's impulses and desires. It is the biological aspect of personality and follows the pleasure principle.

It is therefore understandable that the questioner feels "selfish and inferior" and "unable to get along with most people." This is an instinct, an unconscious feeling, and it should be accepted without considering it a "false self."

[The "everyday me" could be considered the self.]

The questioner describes "the everyday me" as a person who is generally competent and performs well in their role, as well as having a friendly personality. This could be interpreted as an accurate reflection of the self.

The ego can be understood as the psychological aspect of the personality that serves as a mediator between the id and the external world.

The role of the self is to help you become aware of your cognitive abilities on the one hand, and to encourage you to restrain and suppress the self appropriately in order to adapt to reality on the other, following the "principle of reality."

It is therefore understandable that the questioner does not feel the need to be overly nervous or to distance themselves from others as a result of their true self. It is likely that there is always a certain degree of self-restraint and suppression in place.

It might be helpful to remember that you still have a superego.

It seems that the subject's description of feeling "bad and unworthy" and seeking help and support on the platform could be understood as a manifestation of the superego.

The superego can be understood as the social aspect of personality, which consists of the "moralized self" and includes the concepts of conscience and self-ideal. The superego's role is to guide the ego, restrain the id, and follow the "ideal principle."

The questioner has the guidance and restrictions of the superego, and it may be helpful to consider whether thoughts and behaviors such as "if someone makes the first move, I will deliberately push them all away" and "I don't want to talk about a girlfriend" are truly necessary.

I hope this is of some help.

From your description, I can see two distinct selves. The false self is confident and positive, while the true self is weak and inferior, and you don't even like it. You are divided, and this is preventing you from forming an intimate relationship. This is causing you pain and making you feel helpless.

As a psychotherapist, I will now share my understanding from a psychological perspective.

Freudian theory is about the three "I's": the id, the ego, and the superego.

Kohut's self theory is clear: the false self, the real self, and all of it is me.

An integrated self is the only one that can learn, work, socialize, and create self-worth. How do you achieve this?

First, accept yourself. You want to be excellent, capable, and positive, and you only accept the good you and reject the bad you. You can't do it, and that is your suffering.

You must accept yourself and your imperfections. Our emotions—joy, anger, sorrow, fear, and surprise—belong to us. There is no good or bad; they all have value. They protect our bodies. If every day makes you happy, from the moment you open your eyes until you go to sleep at night, what would you feel?

Accept yourself, know your strengths and weaknesses, and build on your strengths and avoid your weaknesses. Do the things you like from a position of competence, and you can be confident and feel a sense of worth. Know your shortcomings in your weaknesses, and then learn, adjust, and make up for them to become the best version of yourself. This is a process, and only by accepting yourself can you become better.

Second, you have difficulty establishing stable relationships. This is linked to your interactions with your parents (object relations) during your childhood. Your attachment patterns with your parents are insecure. Your parents' rejection, neglect, accusations, or criticism make you feel incompetent, inferior, unlovable, unloved, and so on. You also avoid and stay away from good relationships because you fear being hurt. You must be aware of this and seek professional counseling to help you understand yourself and make better adjustments and changes. This will enable you to establish a new relationship model to adapt to interpersonal relationships and form intimate relationships.

Third, find resources to express your inner thoughts. There are plenty of people around you who can help you. They aren't avoiding you because they don't like you. They're your good friends, classmates, and even your parents and relatives. Talk to them, express yourself, and let them know what you need. That way, they'll be more willing to listen and help you. All you have to do is express yourself bravely and face it.

You will only know your needs by expressing yourself. Everyone will pay attention to you from different angles to help you. This is your progress and your inner growth. You are not being discriminated against or rejected. Many of these thoughts are your own subjective assumptions. Perhaps you have agreed with the early comments and rejections of others. The world and I love you. You must learn to love yourself. I am willing to use my professional knowledge to help you integrate yourself, reconcile with your past self, and become a better and truer version of yourself!