I experienced bullying as a student and was also excluded after entering the workplace. How can I heal?

My dear, I empathize with you after reading your confession. I respectfully recommend a popular book on self-psychology called "The Courage to Be Disliked." It is written in the form of a dialogue and is not too tiring to read. Let's discuss it together!

1. You might consider summarizing your problem in this situation and raising it here. You are really great, which shows that you want to change and that you have the courage to be self-aware. I give you a thumbs-up here, which is a good start.

2. It seems that you were bullied as a child, and that the incident may have never been properly resolved when you were young. It was a traumatic event for you psychologically. Perhaps you could find some time to say goodbye to that bullying state. For example, you might write down the bullying you experienced on a piece of paper, and finally tell yourself that you are grown up now and will not be afraid anymore, that you will not be affected by that incident. Then you could tear up the paper with the written incident and say goodbye to the past.

3. Part of the reason for your self-analysis is indeed something you can change and improve. You may wish to consider making adjustments in this area according to the part of your self-analysis. For the other part, I respectfully suggest you refer to the recommended book, "The Courage to Be Disliked." It may be helpful to focus on cultivating your courage to be disliked.

4. You mentioned that you're unsure how to manage your emotions. One approach you might consider is meditation, which can help you observe your emotions and adjust them gradually. There are many meditation courses on Yi Xin, as well as various apps such as Little Sleep and Tide. You might find it helpful to search for these resources.

Please feel free to refer to this information as needed.

All individuals serve as beacons, whether they pose a question or provide an answer. Their words have the capacity to illuminate the hearts of many people. This phenomenon represents a shared energy.

Good day, my name is Xin Tan and I am working with Coach Fei Yun. I empathize with your feelings of loneliness and pain. Due to your experience with bullying during your academic years, you have developed a coping mechanism that involves seeking external validation and engaging in emotional manipulation. This coping mechanism, in turn, has led to a significant depletion of your internal resources. I will provide you with a comforting embrace and together we will explore potential solutions.

1. It is essential to be conscious of one's own patterns in order to facilitate change.

It is not the victim's fault that they are being bullied. Those who engage in bullying behaviors are "taking advantage of the weak and fearing the strong," and their actions are indicative of incompetence. When we observe their "vulnerable" side, we actually feel "pity" for them. Bullying does not make them stronger, but rather makes them feel even more inferior.

The truth is never merely a single perspective; rather, it is a multifaceted phenomenon. Frequently, we perceive our own shortcomings and fail to empathize with the weaknesses of others. By adopting a more nuanced approach, we can gain a more comprehensive understanding of the truth and the potential solutions to the problems we encounter.

The bullies are not only "weak," but also exhibit a profound lack of security. They seek to exert control over individuals who are perceived as weaker than themselves, thereby attempting to fill the void in their inner security.

The passage of time has resulted in a notable shift in your emotional state and psychological resilience. Through introspective reflection on past experiences and relationships with bullying, you have gained a deeper understanding of the underlying factors that contribute to its occurrence. Specifically, you have recognized that your own fear and insecurities served as a catalyst for the bullies' actions.

The underlying fear is that of not being accepted, not being liked, and not being recognized.

Thus, the use of "to please" serves to disguise one's "fear," yet the consequence is that "people who are kind are taken advantage of." Consequently, one resorts to the opposite extreme, utilizing "emotions" to safeguard oneself and uphold one's boundaries.

In "The Female Psychologist," Xiao Mo exemplifies the archetype of the "pleaser," characterized by an acute sense of self-doubt and a tendency to isolate or experience mistreatment in professional settings. Eventually, she underwent a profound transformation and breakthrough through psychological counseling with a qualified professional.

It is recommended that you build on your awareness in order to identify your own patterns and achieve change. The specific methods of change are as follows.

2. It is recommended that you enhance your sense of self-worth and take back the initiative in your life.

The underlying cause of fear is a low sense of self-worth. Individuals with a low sense of self-worth tend to exhibit sensitivity, suspicion, an inferiority complex, and a proclivity for self-negation and self-doubt.

My experiences in childhood were formative in this regard. My parents frequently engaged in criticism, blame, and denial, which shaped my self-evaluation over time.

In particular, individuals who have experienced bullying often find that they do not receive understanding from their parents and are instead blamed for their own faults. This can exacerbate the situation and reduce their sense of worth.

As adults, we have the capacity to serve as our own "significant others" and provide ourselves with the "psychological nutrition" necessary for healthy physical and mental growth, including unconditional acceptance, a sense of security/existence/worth, and independence.

One can begin with the simplest of actions, such as offering oneself positive reinforcement: "I was able to decline a request today," "I was able to regulate my emotions effectively today," "I was able to acknowledge my anger today without acting on it."

Pattern changes may be initiated in a limited area as an experimental endeavor, such as alterations to one's attire, dietary habits, daily routines, or the furnishings of one's living space. It is essential to deliberately, intentionally, and deliberately disassociate from the initial, established patterns in order to reap the benefits of these deliberate, intentional, and deliberate changes.

The following books have informed my understanding of this topic: Psychological Nutrition, The Courage to Be Disliked, Inferiority and Transcendence, Human Weaknesses, and Circle Breakthrough.

It is my sincere hope that the aforementioned information is beneficial to you. The world and I send our love to you.

Should you wish to continue the communication process, you are invited to click on the "Find a coach" link, which can be found in the upper right-hand corner or at the bottom of the page. I will communicate and grow with you on an individual basis.