I feel less enthusiastic from others than I expected, what should I do about the feeling of disappointment?

Hello, questioner! It's like seeing a dear friend's face when you see their name.

It's totally normal to feel like you're amazing and your suitor is super excited, but it can be a bummer when reality doesn't match up with your expectations.

I remember watching a video by the wonderful Professor Shen Yifei about getting off the single list a while ago. In it, he actually mentioned the differences between men's and women's "perceptions" and "realities" when it comes to relationships.

First of all, when a guy likes a girl, or a girl likes a guy, their first reaction is often to care and unconsciously pay attention. They'll secretly make some settings to their passwords, friends circles, etc. They might be afraid of eye contact, daydreaming, trying to meet by chance, and even showing some unique patience and attentiveness. But more often than not, it is not significant enough for the other person to notice, and it may even cause the other person to back off.

And what everyone thinks is like? It's really just the intuitive expression of your good feelings, shyness, or even exaggerated words and deeds, etc., in daily life, or even obsession with you.

So, you see, when you're more concerned and more introverted, the enthusiasm you think you see might not be the real situation.

Another thing to keep in mind is that a person's excellence isn't necessarily tied to how enthusiastic their suitor is.

It also depends on whether you respond to a certain extent, or even his confidence in pursuing you. I know it can be tricky, but I'm here to help!

I really hope my answer helps you out!

Warmest regards!

I hope my response proves helpful to you.

From your description, I can discern some of the challenges you are facing in your relationship. You desire a more passionate partner, but they do not meet your expectations, which has led to feelings of uncertainty.

Ultimately, a person's level of happiness in an intimate relationship depends on their subjective feelings and interpretation of the relationship.

Reasonable expectations contribute to maintaining a positive and fulfilling relationship.

It is a common misconception that managing expectations is simply a matter of self-control. In reality, expectations in intimate relationships require management from both parties.

It is essential to regularly assess and adjust expectations in line with reasonable standards. Additionally, it is crucial to comprehend and fulfill the expectations of the other party to ensure mutual satisfaction.

How do you plan to manage your expectations?

It is often the case that disappointment and sadness result from expectations that are too high. Conversely, it is also not beneficial to have expectations that are too low.

It is important to understand that expectations are a driving force in any relationship. If you have no further expectations of your partner, it can lead to a sense of giving up or boredom. This can negatively impact the relationship. Therefore, it is essential to have reasonable expectations.

What constitutes reasonable expectations?

It is important to understand your own core needs and the character traits of the other person, including their strengths and weaknesses. You should then guide them to do what they can, especially for your core needs, and accept what they cannot change. This will likely result in fewer worries in the relationship.

To illustrate, a friend of mine is highly capable and earns a substantial income. Due to a lack of security, she has chosen a down-to-earth, ordinary, and warm-hearted husband who provides for her, supports her, and assists with household tasks and childcare. His strengths include thoughtfulness, consideration, and a commitment to family warmth. He is willing and able to fulfill these roles, which meet her core needs. This is a reasonable expectation.

However, when she encountered a financial crisis at work, she expected her husband to immediately become a superhuman and solve all her problems for her. This expectation was unreasonable. If the other person lacks the corresponding abilities, and if they cannot make money or manage a company, they cannot make such a transformation overnight. Asking them to do something outside their capabilities is unreasonable. At this point, expectations need to be adjusted.

At this juncture, I advised my colleague to consider what assistance the other party could provide in navigating the economic crisis. For instance, could they assume responsibility for logistics, childcare, and family matters, thereby allowing more focus on external challenges?

Once she adjusted her expectations and found that her husband could cooperate well with her to complete the logistical tasks, allowing her to focus on the company's issues, and later discovered her own capabilities in resolving the crisis, she gradually let go and their relationship was promptly repaired.

It is therefore important to ascertain your own expectations and to consider whether the tasks you are asking him to perform are realistic in the current circumstances. How can you adapt your expectations to align with the current situation?

How can expectations be managed?

Managing the expectations of others is a more challenging task. From a human perspective, we tend to judge others based on our own standards, and expectations are a constantly changing indicator. Therefore, it is difficult to accurately grasp the expectations of others, and it is also challenging to manage them.

However, expectations can be managed in two main ways:

1. Gain an understanding of the other person's core needs and strive to exceed their expectations.

It is not uncommon for individuals in intimate relationships to express frustration, stating, "I have invested a great deal in this relationship, yet my partner is ungrateful, attempting to disengage and even holding me responsible for the situation. Why is this occurring?"

It is important to note that the gifts you offer may not align with the recipient's preferences. Such efforts may prove ineffective and even burdensome to the other person.

Non-violent communication allows us to gain insight into the needs of the other person.

The steps of non-violent communication are as follows: 1. State the objective facts. 2. Express your feelings. 3. Express your needs. 4. Request the other person to take action.

When presenting facts, it is essential to maintain objectivity, avoiding accusations or judgments. It is also important to express your genuine feelings and needs, and to request specific actions from the other party, ensuring they are within their capabilities.

This kind of communication allows for a deeper understanding of each other's feelings and thoughts, which in turn facilitates more in-depth communication and bonding, enabling a better mutual understanding.

It is also important to be mindful of the emotional feedback of the other person during the process of getting along. It is essential to recognize that behind every emotion is a need. When the other person's emotional response is particularly strong, it generally involves the other person's core needs.

For the other person's core needs, it is essential to do your best, be actively involved, and even exceed the other person's expectations. For instance, if the other person's core needs are to be appreciated and recognized, it is possible to express your appreciation and recognition for her, praise him in front of colleagues, and express your gratitude to him by writing thank-you letters.

2. In regard to the other person's non-core needs, it is advisable to proceed gradually and in accordance with the law of peak end.

Given the finite nature of our energy and the multitude of tasks we face daily, it is not feasible to consistently prioritize the other person's needs. A healthy intimate relationship entails a certain degree of give-and-take, recognizing that it is not always possible to maintain a perfectly harmonious atmosphere.

Accordingly, it is possible to gradually meet the non-core needs of the other person, which is also in line with the peak-end rule.

The peak-end law, as proposed by psychologist Daniel Kahneman, indicates that our overall experience is shaped by the peak experience and the experience at the end. If the peak experience occurs prematurely and subsequently declines, while the experience at the end is unfavorable, the overall experience will be negatively affected.

Consequently, if a relationship commences with both parties exhibiting meticulous care for one another, yet subsequently enters a period of stagnation, characterised by a decline in attention and a loss of confidence, culminating in a breakdown and eventual dissolution, it is evident that the experience was far from positive.

However, if at the outset of a relationship, we do not attempt to meet the other person's needs excessively but instead gradually meet their expectations on the basis of meeting their core needs, then the other person's satisfaction level will remain at a stable level, and the overall feeling will be better.

It is not feasible to completely alter a person's character, which is an unrealistic expectation. However, if both parties adjust their expectations and focus their main energy on the other person's core needs, and provide support to each other, it is possible to gradually improve the relationship and make it more stable.

If you believe that this individual is the one you wish to continue your relationship with, it is essential to take action to ensure your continued happiness in the relationship.

Best regards,

You aspire to experience the admiration of the crowd, the passion of others, to be pursued by men, and to be the center of attention. However, the reality may differ from your expectations.

For example, their suitors are not as enthusiastic as you might have expected. Perhaps you expect a passion index of 100, but they only score 59. You will still be disappointed. Even if you think you are very good, in their eyes you may not be that good, not good enough to be on the CCTV Spring Festival Gala.

It is anticipated that the suitor will display a high level of passion, pursue the object of their affections on a colorful cloud, and engage in a multitude of activities, including the seemingly impossible, to demonstrate their devotion.

Perhaps you could take some time to write down the imagined passion and see for yourself just how different reality is from your imagination. This will help us to break free from our imagination and try to return to reality. At this moment in time, you may feel a little lost.

However, with time and reflection, you will gain clarity. The premise is that you also cherish the present moment, so that you can discern your true needs: are they the admiration of others, the feeling of being in the midst of thousands of people, or the undivided love of one person for the rest of your life?

It is essential to be aware of the discrepancy between reality and your expectations.

Please advise.