I feel like I'm falling apart, and I hate my grandparents. What should I do?

Dear Question Asker, After reviewing your question and the accompanying details, my initial assessment is that you are seeking to maintain your current state and way of life in the face of your grandfather's impending arrival. However, due to the various ways in which your grandfather has been behaving, his presence has significantly disrupted your normal routine, leading to feelings of victimization and disgust. It is understandable that this situation has become challenging to navigate on a daily basis. Best regards, [Your Name] [Your Title]

Secondly, your grandfather's various actions, including deliberately making things difficult for your mother and even making her clean the bedding he deliberately soiled in the cold winter months, made you feel particularly uncomfortable and believe that your mother had been humiliated. I understand your concern for your mother and that you feel it is unfair to her.

I believe that my mother is still pleased to have a child who is willing to understand her and defend her against humiliation. You are a child who is respectful and dutiful.

My mother's response was that, ultimately, he is an elderly person. I can see a mother who trusts and respects the elderly, and who truly admires them. It is a challenging situation, and my mother is very kind.

Regarding the family relationships and grandfather's various unusual behaviors you mentioned, they are indeed challenging to accept. However, your mother's perspective is also valid. In her philosophy, when an elderly person grows old, they require care. Even if there are some unreasonable situations, it may be necessary to accept them and avoid causing oneself additional distress.

In this case, it would be more productive to focus on ways to improve your mother's quality of life rather than dwelling on your grandfather's shortcomings. By providing care and understanding, you can help your mother feel more secure and improve her overall well-being.

Furthermore, you stated that you hold negative views towards numerous other elderly individuals. This suggests the presence of an empathic relationship.

Your grandfather's various behaviors likely evoke feelings of disgust, which may lead you to perceive most elderly individuals as similar. This perception may then influence your interactions with other elderly people. However, as you have also noted, you have a closer emotional connection with your grandfather.

This is due to the fact that you have a closer emotional connection with your grandfather, and he does not exhibit the problematic behaviors that cause you discomfort. In this regard, you may benefit from some counseling. The behavior you disapprove of is your grandfather's personal behavior, not a universal issue among older individuals. Therefore, you should not generalize your disapproval to other older people. With time, your feelings toward them may evolve into a more neutral stance.

I hope the above is helpful.

Hello, question asker!

From your description, I know you are a very clean person and you care a lot about your mother. I admire your courage for noticing this uncomfortable feeling and coming here to talk about it or seek a solution.

From what you have described, I can say with confidence that there is no right or wrong in life, but that everyone feels differently. After all, we don't know what kind of relationship your grandparents had with your parents, so no one is judging anything. Everyone has different standards and different feelings.

When did you first start feeling uncomfortable towards your grandparents as you describe? Was it when your grandfather became paralyzed or at a specific time?

When did they do something that made you feel uncomfortable? Or when did you not feel uncomfortable?

Tell me what you did at the time, and tell me what they did.

Given the lack of information, I can say with confidence that in your last description, you also said that you are not disgusted, but just unable to understand and accept this behavior.

You said it will take a month to send it to your other aunt's house, and your house is also under renovation. You need to figure out how you're going to get through this period of time. I'm going to give you some small suggestions to help you alleviate the uncomfortable feeling inside.

First, accept the current situation.

You don't like this feeling, but it will take a month to get to your other aunt's house, and it will also take some time to renovate your new house. You have to accept the situation during this period of time. If you don't, you will be uncomfortable, which will bring confusion to your life and mind.

Second, eliminate this uncomfortable feeling.

I read "Be Your Own Psychologist" today. The book is clear: negative emotions are always there, and they are a normal part of life. They have nothing to do with personality, abilities, or income. If these emotions are not eliminated in time, they will have a negative impact on physical and mental health. It's human nature to hope for a reasonable outlet to release these various negative emotions.

We need to find a mood switcher for positive emotions. We must have a positive attitude to face this problem. We need to accept it and allow it, then use positive thoughts to offset this uncomfortable feeling.

Speak up if you have uncomfortable thoughts. Write them down or talk to someone about them. Vent your emotions. It will help.

Running is a great way to adjust your state of mind. It's also a good idea to go out with friends or do something else you enjoy to avoid feeling uncomfortable.

Finally, I want to tell you that it's okay. It doesn't matter if there's a problem. What's important is how we find a solution to this problem. Since there's no way to change the situation for now, we have to adjust ourselves or think of other ways to relieve your emotions!

I believe you. You have these emotions and can express them at any time. Coming to this platform to release them is pointless. You will definitely find a way that makes you feel comfortable.

Hello, question asker. I can tell you're going through a rough time, and I can see that the family is in a tough spot.

For instance, the aunts are happy to take turns looking after Grandpa. But when Grandpa falls ill, he'd rather be by his son's side.

When you send him to your aunt's place, you often feel that your grandfather is very difficult to take care of. Your elders will gradually display many behaviors that could have been avoided and seem particularly willful. We could describe these as "making trouble" and "causing trouble," as you mentioned in your article.

I've tried to clear up any confusion. Here are some ideas I've come up with to solve this problem. I hope they'll be helpful.

1. Take a look at your home life and think about what makes you feel uncomfortable. Write them down and come up with a solution for each one.

? 1. Scenario 1: Coughing and Sneezing. I can see the situations you mentioned: frequent coughing and sneezing, especially at the dinner table, coughing and sneezing into the food. This situation is pretty tough to deal with.

But if you think about it from another perspective, as far as I know, the elderly, especially those with hemiplegia, some of whom have difficulty swallowing, often choke when eating and drinking. This can lead to coughing and sneezing, which can make us feel uncomfortable. If we understand this as a symptom of difficulty swallowing caused by the disease hemiplegia, it may help us to accept Grandpa's behavior. The elderly often don't have such habits, so they don't have time to cough and sneeze, nor do they have the habit of using toilet paper or covering their mouths with their hands.

When you eat next to him, you feel so nauseous and uncomfortable that you can't stand it.

? 2. Change the way you prepare the food to make it easier to swallow. Since Grandpa's physical condition also made it necessary to seek medical treatment, if you can combine past clinical records, ask the doctor online whether the food needs to be changed due to frequent choking while eating. You could try making it semi-liquid or liquid by using a food processor or blender. If possible, add a spoonful or two of protein powder to the food to boost immunity.

If you can eat without any issues, you'll probably be less likely to cough at mealtimes.

3. stagger the mealtimes. For example, let the grandparents eat first, while your mother cooks meals that are suitable for the elderly, such as meals that are low in oil, salt, and are light in flavor.

It'd be good to have some flexibility with your meals. If there's a dish you like, you could ask your mother to cook it just for you, and eat alone when it's your turn to eat with her. It'd also be helpful if grandparents could accept the idea of letting the elderly eat first and then cook.

I've come up with a few possible solutions, but there might be some situations where they don't apply. You could try changing the rules in your family to make you feel more comfortable and help you adapt to the current environment.

2. Take a close look at the differences between Grandpa and other grandpas, and think about why we sometimes have a negative reaction to older people in general.

Grandpa is sick and needs care. He's different from other ordinary patients, though, and he has a bad temper, bad habits, and various unreasonable practices. It's tough for you to get close to and accept such a relative.

What's more, you've only spent a few weeks with your grandparents from childhood to adulthood, and the family relationship is a bit rocky, so there aren't many emotional bonds at the psychological level. You're in your twenties and even a bit of a neat freak, so you need to adapt to the various disgusting sounds that are challenging for you and make your heart sensitive every day.

Given the circumstances, you felt unable to speak up to your mother directly, let alone defend her. Passively waiting for a month made you feel mentally drained.

Your feelings of disgust towards other elderly people in society come from your grandfather's habits and temperament after his illness. At this point, we might as well keep working through this together. It's possible that you just feel more sensitive when faced with this type of elderly person.

If we think that all rural elderly people are like this, we'll be more put off by Grandpa's behavior.

Luckily, you know that not all elderly people in society are like this. There are also plenty of elderly folks in the countryside and in the city who love cleanliness, fitness, travel, and health, and who have a healthier lifestyle than young people.

You think of your grandfather as your own grandfather, but in reality, the one in front of you is very different. For instance, your grandfather is educated and well-mannered. You grew up with him, so you still have a sense of admiration and respect for him.

Right now, your grandfather is sick and your family is helping him out. You're frustrated with him because of all the things he's done that you don't like. In the future, if you get to know other older people, you'll probably see that they're kind, well-educated, and have a better lifestyle.

It's not necessary to dwell on this psychological state. Try to remind yourself that you just don't like it and that you've never experienced such dislike and discomfort. Try to describe your mood in a different way. For example, tell yourself that your grandfather is seriously ill. Even though I don't really like him, I'll still maintain the most basic respect for him as my father's father. As a younger generation, I'll support and care for the elderly, even if I don't approve of those practices.

Maybe the hemiplegic patient's physical limitations are also causing some irrational emotions and actions in him. And since the grandfather hasn't had much education, he can only express his illness and discomfort through some deliberate actions.

It might help to imagine you're the doctor. How would you view Grandpa's behavior? When you're dealing with a hemiplegic patient whose quality of life is deteriorating, you might be able to filter out a lot of the emotions of dissatisfaction with Grandpa. You'll probably still have some compassion and filial piety left for end-of-life care.

Try to see things from their perspective. If you can accept this outcome during this month, and if it can alleviate even a little of the negative emotions you experience, then maybe this is a good way out.

3. There's also a person's dignity behind stubborn behavior.

When you're dealing with a stubborn patient, you might see a lot of resistance on the surface. It's easy to think that these elderly folks are a challenge to serve. But I've observed many elderly people, and most of them still care about their dignity.

For instance, they'd rather pass away than be intubated. They'd rather not eat than be fed intravenously.

They'd rather die with dignity than have surgery.

It's hard to say if my grandfather's act of tearing off the diaper involved dignity. What I do know is that adults in diapers aren't used to wearing them and find them extremely uncomfortable, including infants and young children.

Also, some elderly people wearing diapers may feel it's a loss of dignity, especially in rural areas, where many elderly people will be concerned about saving face even if they're seriously ill. If relatives come to visit once, the news will spread quickly that so-and-so is paralyzed and can't get up, and he's still wearing a diaper and is dying. Or, a son is treated the same as an adopted son, and his daughter-in-law isn't allowed to live with him and continues to live with his daughter. I don't know if Grandpa also has this psychological concern about other people's opinions.

If there is, then as parents, they should care about such stares just as much as my grandfather did.

I'd like to share my personal journey. When I try to understand some of the shortcomings of elderly people in the countryside, I often think that if I hadn't grown up in the city, I would have had a harder time surviving in the countryside. The amount of abuse is enough to drown a person.

Maybe when we hate someone, we hate to see them go or we want to isolate ourselves from a certain relationship. Morally speaking, we know we shouldn't think like this, but this is a dilemma we all face, and our conscience will eventually catch up with us.

You're not who you thought you were, and you don't respect the elderly. Maybe you're just overwhelmed and feeling a lot of internal conflict and pain.

When you take a step back and look at your current state of mind with clarity, you can empathize with your grandfather and see that there are also some things that have shaped his personality that he can't change. In the future, perhaps we will also become a grandson who is not seen as bad by others.

Try to look at his physical illness and psychological factors from a different perspective. You'll gradually realize that the pain in your body doesn't last forever, but has an expiration date. Worries won't be without solutions, and there will be more options to solve the problems you face. Don't limit all your problems to one room, and your heart will be clear.

If you can't sleep one night and your grandfather's voice disturbs you, affecting your mood the next day and seriously affecting your work, you might as well talk to your parents and move out for a while. I'm sure they'll understand. As an adult in your twenties, this is also your right.

I hope you can successfully navigate these extraordinary times without any regrets or feeling like you have to live up to anyone else's expectations.