I find myself increasingly differing from the majority around me in values, what should I do?

Hello, questioner!

After reading your account, I feel that you have a lot to gain from this experience!

The good news is that you can work to overcome this imbalance in your marriage! It often shows up when one partner feels like their contribution isn't being reciprocated.

For example, an imbalance between what you give and what you get; a difference in values between the two of you; a widening gap between the two of you in terms of growth rate—these are just a few of the possibilities! If the two sides of a marriage are not in sync, all kinds of imbalances can arise at any time, which means there's always room for improvement.

It's true that women often bear the brunt of household expenses, and it can be a lot to handle. But here's the good news: if the husband can pitch in with chores or provide emotional support, it can make a world of difference. If not, it's understandable if the wife feels a bit overwhelmed. But here's the even better news: as long as the husband is motivated, there's always room for improvement. It's just that if you haven't achieved anything in the past few years, it doesn't mean you won't be able to do it in the future. So let's keep at it!

Also, have you been responsible for household expenses since you got married? So what did you like about him when you first agreed to marry him?

What kind of life do you want? What kind of husband do you want?

Sometimes when we encounter difficulties, it's a great idea to learn to put ourselves in the other person's shoes! We can try stepping out of our inherent roles in the marriage and looking at things that trouble us from the other person's perspective. This will help us see things more objectively and comprehensively!

The great news is that the same applies to the relationship between husband and wife as to any other relationship! If you want to maintain it in the long term, you must learn to compromise. It's so important to remember that everyone's life experiences, ways of acting, and values are different. So when faced with the same thing, they will also have different approaches.

These actions may differ from the other person's point of view, which is totally normal! At this point, one must learn to compromise appropriately and respect the other person's point of view.

Marriage is an incredible dance for two, and also a mirror for self-reflection. A self-aware and intelligent person in a marriage can see their own shortcomings, and then work on becoming the best version of themselves!

Use marriage as a place to cultivate yourself! Constantly temper yourself to become a wise person, and then subtly influence your partner.

And finally, you can choose to go for counseling! In the dialogue and exploration with a professional, you may be able to understand your inner self more clearly. Know what you want!

Wishing you the very best!

Dear Question Asker,

From your description, it is evident that your family situation deviates from the conventional notion of a family unit. In a traditional family structure, the male head of the household is typically the primary source of income, or, in other words, "the man is responsible for providing financial support to the family." In contrast, your family dynamic is characterized by a reversal of roles, with you assuming the financial burden of the family and bearing the responsibility of repaying your husband's debts. From a certain perspective, this dynamic may be perceived as somewhat imbalanced.

However, with the development of society, women have demonstrated their growing abilities through their own efforts. As a result, there has been a notable increase in the number of families in which the woman is the primary income earner, which can be considered a form of social progress.

It is important to note that the assertion that women earn money to support the family does not imply that men are exempt from their familial responsibilities. If, as the wife asserts, her husband is unproductive and engages in leisure activities instead of contributing to the family's financial stability, this is a significant issue.

What strategies might be employed to prompt one's spouse to assume greater responsibility for the family unit?

Should the division of family responsibilities be considered? When the responsibility of earning money is assumed by one spouse, can the other assume additional household responsibilities to create a comfortable environment and a warm and loving family environment? This could potentially motivate the first spouse to work harder for the family and earn money.

The foundation of the division of labor in the family is respect for one's husband. The division of labor is based on communication and mutual respect, rather than on the imposition of orders or the denial of strengths. It is essential to recognize and acknowledge one's husband's strengths in order to provide him with the confidence and support he needs.

It is imperative to ascertain the underlying causes of your husband's current circumstances. This necessitates a comprehensive understanding of his genuine perspectives, which is a prerequisite for effective communication between you.

Given that you are already husband and wife, it seems reasonable to posit that there must have been a foundation of affection in the past. It would therefore seem prudent to give your husband a chance, and also to give your future a chance. It seems likely that you will be able to handle it.

I wish you the best of luck!

After reading the text, it is clear that the questioner is uneasy because she is shouldering too much of the burden in the family. Her husband has not yet realized this and is still going his own way, leaving her to continue to shoulder the entire financial pressure of the family alone. She is worried about whether she has the ability to continue to bear it, and she feels unfairly treated. She has already shouldered enough compared to her husband.

My views are increasingly different from my husband's. I don't believe anything he does or says. He has failed at everything and never listened to me. I am the only one who pays the family expenses.

Your views may have differed at first, but not by much. As your husband failed at everything and didn't listen to your advice, the gap between you widened. You ended up on opposite sides. You may have worked harder and invested more to prove you were right.

She has undoubtedly blocked out even the well-intentioned and correct things he says.

"I'm the one who pays for all the household expenses." This makes it clear to everyone that she is the one in charge.

The economic foundation determines the superstructure, but this theory does not always work well in a family. In fact, the other party may inadvertently work against you in the opposite direction, trying to "draw level" with you as an indirect way to prove their strength.

This is also why the questioner, although she tried to change her husband's mind and talked to him, eventually understood that this was impossible.

Sometimes I want a divorce, but I refuse to hurt him because he doesn't want one.

I am still responsible for the family expenses.

I eat and drink only for myself when eating out.

He never gives any money to the family, and I even help him pay some of his debts.

I know he's not making any money right now, so I haven't pressed him about it. He doesn't respond to you when you mention it.

From this, it is clear that the questioner is facing significant challenges. She is not only responsible for managing the family's finances but also for handling her husband's emotional needs. However, her husband responds to her by "not responding to you," effectively blocking her from accessing his personal space and preventing any opportunity for closeness.

You're the one carrying all the pressure, along with what he should do.

From the text, it's clear that the questioner is capable and responsible. However, capable and responsible people can unintentionally encroach on others' territory. They may mean well, but they're also depriving others of the chance to take responsibility for themselves. They may not even get the chance to try.

The questioner should subtract by slowly delegating some of the household chores to her husband. He does them when he can, but not when he can't. She should also express her expectations of her husband in terms of the help she needs from him.

For example, you say that your husband only cares about eating and drinking out. Invite him to invite you along next time he goes out to eat. Eat with him.

When you "soften up," you'll see the tension in your relationship decrease. You'll also have the chance to join hands and face a "direction" together.

I am confident that my reply has been helpful. Best wishes!

Hello!

I am a heart exploration coach. Learning is the treasure of the body.

From your description, I can tell you're struggling.

You and your husband have different opinions. I have three pieces of advice for you:

First, try to understand yourself and be comforted.

This will make your heart feel lighter and help you think about what to do next.

You say that you and your husband have different views, that you don't trust him, that you've tried to change his mind but it's hard, that you've thought about divorce but don't want to hurt him, that you're the only one supporting the family financially and he's just enjoying life, that you do things when you can, that you've even paid his credit card, that now with the pandemic your business is also struggling and you're under financial pressure, that it's exhausting and you don't know what to do. Your situation is understandable because you want your husband to share the financial burden of the family. So try to understand yourself, comfort yourself, and "see" that overwhelmed and suffering self. This will give you extra mental energy to think about other things.

To break free from your current situation, you have to understand and accept yourself. It may sound contradictory, but it's true. Change is based on allowing for no change.

Secondly, think about your own state.

Rational thinking helps you understand yourself and reality.

To do this, you need to:

If you want the other person to change, you need to understand these two principles.

Start by changing yourself. Don't try to change the other person.

You can only change him if you change yourself.

If you want the other person to change, first try to understand them.

People often resist change because they disapprove of themselves. If you appreciate your husband, he'll likely respond to your requests. Think of his good qualities (don't say he has no advantages—everyone has them) and approve of him.

Second, know that you shouldn't get a divorce just to avoid hurting him.

If you worry that divorce will hurt him, you'll be unhappy. If you don't take care of yourself, you'll be disappointed. Look at this relationship.

I'm not asking you to divorce him. I hope you can figure out why you're not doing so.

People are different, including in their ideas.

We can disagree with others, but we have to let them think and do as they wish.

If you think about it rationally, some of your negative emotions will go away.

Focus on yourself and think about how you can feel better.

Look at your situation rationally. Focus on yourself and do your best.

Try talking to your husband. Follow the principles of change. See how he reacts. I think he'll change a little because he doesn't want a divorce.

Give your husband some time after talking to him. Give your marriage some time too. Change isn't easy. During this time, talk to him calmly. This shows respect. He may also be willing to change because of your respect.

If you communicate with your husband, give him time, and remind him often, but he still won't find a way to support the family or change, you can accept the reality and think about what else is worth keeping in this relationship. After examining this relationship, you may know where to go from here, which will make you feel better.

Next, you have to take care of yourself because you are responsible for your own life. You have to take care of yourself first, because only by taking care of yourself can you take care of others. In short, you have to know that you can do something to change the current situation.

Taking action can help you feel better.

I hope this helps. Click "Find a coach" at the bottom to talk to me one-on-one.

Dear question asker,

I am Enoch, the respondent. From the questioner's description, it seems that she is in a relatively high position in her marital relationship and career. She is still willing to help her husband in their marital relationship, but it seems that her husband does not listen to her advice. The questioner's own business has also been affected by the pandemic and is not doing well. Coupled with the feeling that her husband is not grateful for her efforts and cannot keep up with her pace, she feels that there is an imbalance in the relationship and is unsure of how to proceed.

Perhaps it would be helpful to take a closer look at the underlying issues.

1. It seems that her husband has lost her trust and support due to his own failures, which has led to feelings of depression.

The questioner mentioned that she and her husband and his friends have different values. It is often the case that a good relationship begins with mutual acceptance. Her husband has experienced failure in his career. We all face challenges in life, and when we do, we may hope for more understanding, comfort, and support from our family. This can provide good social support for us to pick ourselves up again, while the scorn and distrust of those around us can make us feel more inferior, decadent, and negative.

2. The questioner has a strong perspective and a clear vision for the future, but her husband is not fully aligned with her approach.

The questioner has achieved more success in her career than her husband, which has given her a broader perspective and a longer-term view of the future. However, at this time, her husband is more inclined to seek recognition from those who offer him comfort and is also more open to the advice of friends. While he may not necessarily agree with the ideas of those friends, he can gain more self-confidence in the process of getting along with them. Despite the questioner's advice to her husband being well-intentioned, due to her reservations about him, her husband also feels a certain sense of rejection towards her, so he also doesn't cooperate with her advice very much.

3. In terms of family commitment, the questioner has taken on more responsibility without receiving any response or recognition.

It is understandable that a woman should take on more responsibility in all aspects of the family, especially financially. It is therefore perhaps not surprising that the questioner is feeling a little disappointed. The most important thing is that the questioner still hopes that this man can make the changes she expects, but the other party is unable to respond accordingly, which makes the questioner feel a little sad.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider the following suggestion:

1. It is often said that changing others begins with changing oneself.

Many people are self-centered. We all hope that others will change for us, but we don't always want to make changes for others. However, when we bravely change ourselves first, it can create an opportunity for the other person to naturally make changes. So even if the questioner does not approve of her husband's ideas, they are still a couple who can support each other. It might be helpful for them to try to accept her husband from the bottom of their hearts. At the same time, they could consider accepting some of the personality traits he presents, giving him the understanding and respect he deserves, and comforting him when he fails. I believe that after going through such a process, her husband might be more willing to accept someone who respects him and has a higher opinion of him, especially his lover.

2. The OP learns to be patient as her husband grows.

Everyone has strengths and weaknesses in different areas, and everyone's growth in different areas also shows a certain degree of difference. While the questioner has indeed surpassed her husband at this stage of life, it's important to remember that you are a family and a whole. Just like a study group, when one person cannot keep up with the other, we need to not only guide, help, and support, but also be patient and wait for the other person's epiphany while maintaining our own progress.

3. It may be helpful to believe that there is always a reward for your efforts.

It may be that we are paying a little more now, but "distance tests strength, time reveals character." I believe that the silent efforts of the questioner will eventually lead to a change in her husband's heart. Even if he is unable to reciprocate her efforts with a career that matches hers, there may be other ways for him to show his appreciation.

At the same time, it could be said that the greatest beneficiary of the questioner's achievements is, in fact, himself. As the questioner observed, his thinking is more advanced, and he is more respected, recognized, and supported by those around him. He is better able to help himself and others, and he will become more independent and have a better psychological quality.

Perhaps we could consider transforming our expectations of others into expectations of ourselves, which might make our lives more valuable.

Hello!

I'm thrilled to be able to give you some advice!

From your description, I can see that you, as a wife, are currently responsible for the family's financial expenses, which puts you under a lot of pressure. When the business was doing well before, you didn't feel particularly difficult, and you just thought that your husband's way of thinking might be a little behind the times. But now, you're ready to take on the challenge! You're ready to embrace change and see what new possibilities arise.

And with the pandemic over the past two years, business has been slow, and finances are relatively tight. You've been feeling the pressure, and you've developed the idea of wanting a divorce. Because you're carrying too much on your shoulders, you can't afford it anymore and want to take a break for a while.

If you have this kind of thinking, I want to say that in this family, each member needs to have their own area of responsibility. For example, if your business was doing well before, then you can be in charge of the finances, and your husband can do something through his own abilities. He is very effective, and we need to see his efforts!

But when the source of your family's income shrinks due to some force majeure, the other members of the family have a responsibility to make up for it and help you find a way to share the burden. You may say that your husband seems to be useless and that every time you think of asking him for help, you feel unappreciated and resistant, right? But here's the good news! You can turn this around!

I totally get it!

After all, some of his ways of thinking are not as advanced as yours, but I would like to say that as a couple, the two of you need to support each other in this relationship. What does it mean to support each other?

For example, you see that your husband's ideas are still stuck from N years ago, and you want to change him. First of all, I think we need to adjust the word "change," because there is a good saying called "It is easy to change the country, but difficult to change one's nature."

It's not easy to change a person's mindset and personality overnight, but it's definitely possible!

So what can we do to quickly change his way of thinking and help himself and the whole family? First of all, you have noticed that his way of thinking is quite old-fashioned. So what books do you read every day?

Or perhaps he reads a lot about certain topics that really speak to him and make him feel better? You can share this knowledge with him!

If he doesn't want you to talk about these things, then you can turn up the volume a little when listening to audio books or watching videos. Let him also live in the atmosphere you create. In the long run, he may not necessarily be interested in hearing a particular piece of information, but he will ask you about it, which will arouse his interest. You can then take the opportunity to talk to him in detail about your views, and you can also listen to his views. This is a great chance to really connect with him!

In fact, as a couple, you have an equal relationship. He has his life, and you have yours—and that's a good thing!

But since you are living together, you can work together to move forward. It might take a little while to find his interests, but I'm sure that if we persevere for a while, we'll be able to discover his hobbies!

If we start with his hobbies and then talk to him about your business thinking or other business philosophies, it will also be a great way to help him! And regarding your debt problem, I don't think your husband isn't worried. Maybe he is also very distressed, but we can help him!

But as a man, he is eager to help the family through his own efforts, and while the reality is not as he would like it to be, he is excited to see what he can do to make it better!

On the one hand, he is worried that the family will not be able to pay off the debt on time due to his own lack of effort. But on the other hand, he is also excited to find a good way to contribute to the family! These thoughts do not rule out the possibility that he has thought about them.

So there's still a chance he has contributed something to the family, and it might be more than we think! Let's look at it from a different perspective and consider what he has done for the family from another angle.

If his business skills are indeed inferior to yours, I think it's time for a change! The traditional model of the man being the breadwinner and the woman being the homemaker may not be suitable for the two of you. Why not try handing over the chores in the household or things involving taking care of the children to him? You can tell him, "We need to run the household together, and we both want to live in a loving atmosphere."

If you've thought about this too, then I'm thrilled we can share some of it together and discuss each other's strengths! This way, we can have fun and achieve twice the result with half the effort.

I truly believe that if we manage your marriage in this way, your husband will understand your difficulties, and at the same time, he will be able to appreciate that you understand him and give him the opportunity to grow. He will also be very grateful and thankful inside!

I absolutely believe that you will find a lifestyle that suits you in this way, and your family will become better and better as a result!

I wish you all the best!

If you want to continue communicating, just click "Find a coach" in the upper right corner or at the bottom, and I'll be there to chat with you one-on-one!

One Psychology Q&A Community, World, and I Love You >> https://m.xinli001.com/qa

Hello, questioner.

If your values are starting to diverge from those of your spouse, it can be tough to know what to do. You're also the one supporting the family financially, so it's understandable if you're feeling overwhelmed. Sending you a big hug.

We often say that marriage is like a boat, and the husband and wife are the helmsmen. They need to have the same goals in order to move forward together. But it seems that you are having a hard time doing that now.

It's tough to change other people, so the best thing we can do is change ourselves.

1. Talk to your husband. No matter what your values are, you can talk about your future plans together and whether your lives are heading in the same direction. If they aren't, can you both make changes to work towards the same goal? This will help you find common ground and gradually align your views.

2. Be aware of your own feelings and the current relationship dynamic with your husband. Are you willing to improve it? Can you accept that he keeps spending your money and making you repay debts? Divorce will hurt him, but it might also hurt your relationship. So, it's up to you whether you're willing to keep making sacrifices.

3. Stay true to yourself while embracing the differences in others. If your views differ from those of others, you don't have to force yourself to conform or demand that you agree with others. Instead, stay true to yourself and find a circle of people who share your values.

You can only be comfortable being yourself in your own circle. Being yourself allows you to fully embrace your own motivation.

No matter what you decide, it's your choice. But before you make it, think about whether it's what you really want.

I love you, the world, and I'm here for you.

Susu is our heart exploration coach.