I find that I am now living a divided life. Why have I become lazy under the influence of my husband?

Hello, host.

First of all, I want to express my understanding of your situation and how you're feeling. I'm sorry you're distressed and want to give you a big hug and feel the warmth of the world.

From what you've said, it seems like this is a classic case of environmental influence. After all, you and your husband are the two people closest to each other, and then you live together, so every word and action is influenced by each other. If you're someone who is easily influenced by the environment and the people around you, then the one who is changed is you. You say you want to change your husband and make him become like you, diligent and motivated. But obviously your husband is not someone who can be easily influenced by others. So he has not been changed by you, but rather you have been influenced by him and changed.

So, the issue isn't just with your husband. You've also been subtly influenced. You say you don't like this lazy, undisciplined, unstriving self of yours now. You look at your unworthy husband as if he's made you become like this. But everyone has their own pursuits and lifestyles. In other words, even if you're the closest of lovers, you can't take the place of him in life. You're just living with each other, influencing each other.

Your husband may be a B-type personality. I'm not sure if the host knows the difference between an A-type personality and a B-type personality. Psychologically, an A-type personality is actually someone who is impatient, lacks patience, and has a high level of achievement, strong motivation, and a hardworking spirit. It's a type of personality that is in a hurry, but it's this kind of restless and stereotyped personality. A B-type personality is calm, with steady manners, a strong sense of satisfaction with life and work, and a slow-paced life rhythm.

So what you see on the surface is actually his laziness and lack of motivation, but maybe that's just his temperament. To someone with an A-type personality, a B-type personality is unbearable because they are two opposing types of personality. The downside is that A-type personalities are prone to coronary heart disease, while B-type personalities only account for one-third of coronary heart disease patients.

There's no absolute good or bad in these two personalities. They each have their own advantages and disadvantages. Recognizing that there are advantages to his state of mind can also relieve you of a lot of stress. In fact, this stress may just be a kind of oppression given to you by your typical personality, making you anxious so that you feel no sense of urgency to improve. You may be an A-type personality, someone who likes to feel a sense of accomplishment and make yourself feel valuable.

But right now, you want to change him, but he's changed you. This kind of thing is really frustrating. The truth is, you two have different pace of life. He likes a slow, unhurried pace, while you like a fast pace with a sense of achievement.

You can find a balance that works for you. Let him maintain his own slow rhythm, but communicate with him in a way that suits you.

In terms of what to do, it's best to start with small steps.

For instance, when you're tackling chores around the house, you prefer to get things done quickly and efficiently, while he'd rather take his time and do things one by one. You can let him try his hand at some of the more time-consuming tasks, and you can take your time and get things done at your own pace.

I wish the host all the best in the future.

Good day!

From your description, I can tell that you are a person who enjoys exploring yourself, is highly motivated, and has a keen interest in thinking.

You are also a perceptive individual. When you realize that your efforts to alter your husband's behavior have not only been ineffective, but have also strained your relationship, you will likely adjust your approach. However, when you find that you have been influenced by him, perhaps becoming a bit lax, undisciplined, and less motivated, you may experience a sense of internal conflict. It's natural to feel a bit of discomfort in this state of relaxation, and it's understandable that it may not align with your preferences. You may also feel some confusion, anxiety, and internal conflict.

Everyone is an independent individual, but at the same time, we are always influenced by the people around us and the environment. The strength of this mutual influence and the resulting effect are often related to the strength or weakness of each individual's self. It's possible that you are more influenced by your husband than he is by you because your husband's self is stronger, his mind is more determined, and his values are more stable, while you are more likely to be influenced by others, which shows that at a certain point, your values have not yet been completely established.

This is actually quite normal and there is nothing inherently wrong with it. After all, change is a natural part of life.

However, it seems that you may have become a little less disciplined and perhaps a little more relaxed under the influence of your husband. This change has brought some fear and anxiety to your heart, and you may be feeling a little unsure about it.

It's possible that this is a deeper voice within you. You might like to explore where this voice comes from. I believe that I need to be self-disciplined, motivated, and ambitious in order to feel a sense of achievement and worthiness. Perhaps it comes from your own upbringing, from the demands of an overbearing parent that you internalized and incorporated into your own value system over the years, and it has now become your own set of values.

Now that his values have clashed with your husband's, it has loosened a bit, which has created some unease within you.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider that only genuine needs and beliefs from the depths of the heart can be more stable and firm. It might also be beneficial to be mindful of the fact that everyone is a contradiction. Throughout our lives, we are constantly correcting and improving ourselves, which is itself a process of integration.

It might be helpful to explore your subconscious mind more, gain a deeper understanding of yourself, and see if you can embrace this lazy, undisciplined, and unmotivated self in a more positive light.

It might be helpful to pay special attention to the anxiety you feel when you relax. Emotions often give us guidance, so it's worth considering whether you might benefit from using them as a path to gain a deeper understanding of yourself.

Without a life goal, it can feel as though you're adrift, caught up in the ebb and flow of life, and at risk of feeling adrift and lost. And when we're overly tense, we may miss out on the beauty that life has to offer.

It may be beneficial to pursue goals while also learning to relax, adapt to change, maintain a healthy sense of self-care, and strive for a balanced lifestyle.

I hope the reply from Hongyu is helpful. Thank you for your question!

Your conscious mind is A, and your anxiety/are-the-suppressed-emotions-and-thoughts-in-your-subconscious-influencing-your-actions-8468.html" target="_blank">subconscious mind is A.

Your husband is living out your subconscious.

You're trying to control your subconscious laziness with your conscious ambition.

However, the subconscious mind is powerful and your conscious mind cannot defeat it.

You want to change your husband, but he influences you instead.

You are anxious.

A certain degree of anxiety is necessary for constant self-improvement and diligence.

If you stop, you will feel restless.

You will only achieve temporary peace by relying on conscious self-discipline to constantly remind and urge yourself.

You see your husband's lack of progress and feel anxious.

It's like seeing your own "A" side.

This "A" side is what you envy.

But it is not allowed.

Your husband is a projection of your subconscious mind—something you want but are not allowed to have.

You try to change him, hoping he'll be as diligent, hardworking, and self-disciplined as you are.

Changing a person is not easy.

At this point, you must give up the claims of your consciousness and rush towards the direction that your subconscious wants.

Striving for improvement is good and will bring you various material and spiritual levels of satisfaction.

If you push too hard, your body and mind will not be able to handle it.

You will feel tired and unbalanced.

Your husband is content with his laziness, but you are still restless despite being so motivated.

I'll tell you what this means.

This proves that your husband is not anxious, but you are.

Anxiety is not a pleasant feeling, is it?

You want to solve your anxiety.

You were wrong. Constantly setting higher standards for yourself does not solve your anxiety.

Let me be clear: being able to slack off with a clear conscience, as your husband does, is not anxiety.

You are influenced by him because your goal is to solve your anxiety problems.

If you move closer to what you hate about yourself, you will be attracted to your own subconscious.

This can also be described as loyalty or betrayal of your parents.

Do you have a father and mother like you, or like your husband?

They are the way your husband is, and you hate them while remaining loyal to them.

You are doing this to yourself. You agree with them while simultaneously rebelling against them.

You feel split, don't you?

Combine your A and -A.

You should definitely strive for improvement, but you should also allow yourself to be lazy occasionally.

Take a break whenever you want, especially when you're tired or you've almost reached a certain level.

Why set such high standards for yourself?

You have to learn to enjoy yourself after all your hard work.

Otherwise, if you take over all the work and steal the limelight from your husband, he'll be left with nothing to do.

He will let you charge ahead without any effort and feel at ease, of course.

Be lazy for a while and let your husband achieve the upward mobility he subconsciously wants for himself. This is more useful than forcing him to change.

The above reply will inspire you.

I am Yan Guilai, a psychological counselor. You will be happy!

"I feel that there is no sense of achievement or value in not striving for improvement." This shows that the questioner is diligent and motivated, but maybe it's not the diligence and motivation themselves that they want, but the sense of achievement and value that they bring.

What does a sense of achievement and worthiness bring to the questioner? Is it what they really want?

Do people around you want that? Are you just trying to please them?

"A hardworking and ambitious self and a lazy and unambitious husband" – a perfect match! At the beginning of a relationship, both parties may be attracted to the things in the other person that they don't have themselves.

Although:

I tried to change him so he'd be as motivated, diligent, and self-disciplined as I am.

I don't like being lazy, undisciplined, and unmotivated. I also dislike my husband being this way, but I can't change him.

But:

I feel like I've been influenced by him and am not as motivated as I used to be.

But I'm okay with him being lazy. I admire how he can live without anxiety on a low income.

Although:

My husband and I are opposites. I've accepted this.

I don't want to become like that. I still like the old me.

But:

I don't understand why I'm moving closer to A (lazy, not self-disciplined, and not motivated for self-improvement) and moving closer to a person I hate.

My positive A hasn't affected him.

There are so many "albeits," but they still go in the wrong direction. Why?

The questioner's diligence and motivation may have been meant to satisfy the other person, and not something she wanted for herself.

When the person who was once by the questioner's side was gone, the questioner demanded the same from her husband.

But her husband didn't change, and there were no problems. Accepting her husband's state of affairs made the questioner see another way, and she could slowly and confidently let go of this part of herself.

The original poster is still a little worried, though. He says he likes the old self, but he also says it relieves him of a lot of pressure.

These two states should exist in people. They are reflected in different aspects, and the degree of reflection varies from person to person.

Furthermore, I believe people who have both of these qualities are "complete people." It depends on how we combine them.

I hope my response was helpful. Best wishes!

Good morning. I would like to extend my sincerest regards to you in the form of a 360-degree hug.

From your question, it can be seen that you are currently experiencing a discrepancy between your desired and actual behaviors. On the one hand, you aspire to be motivated, hardworking, and self-disciplined, or you were originally very motivated, hardworking, and self-disciplined, but now you have a bit of a lack of self-discipline. However, you want to return to your original state or even do better. On the other hand, your actions are becoming more aligned with your husband's, because he is more laid-back.

Let us not discuss the reasons behind your influence from your husband. However, it is evident that you hold a great deal of affection for him, as you are beginning to mirror his characteristics. There is a popular song that states, "When I grow up, I'll become just like you." This notion is commonly held, and it is often believed that those who love someone will eventually become similar to them.

From this perspective, it is evident that you hold a profound affection for your husband.

Furthermore, I suspect that your subconscious may also prefer this way of life. To be frank, if it were possible, I would rather be idle every day than answer these questions.

It is human nature to be lazy, while diligence is counterintuitive.

The need to survive has driven human evolution from the earliest days to the present. For example, upright walking enabled early humans to carry more items and collect more fruit at once, storing it in caves to ensure their survival when they were unable to go out and collect more.

Your circumstances are similar to those of an African. Why is their farming technique not effective? The answer lies in the abundance of food in Africa, which is readily available year-round. In China, however, the early living environment was harsh. Most parts of China have a temperate climate with four distinct seasons. In winter, food is scarce, necessitating advance preparation.

As a result, the society transitioned to an agricultural one.

A more recent example is the recent years of epidemics, which have resulted in a notable increase in the sales of refrigerators and freezers. I have also observed a case where a woman stated that her family owns a total of seven refrigerators and freezers.

Prior to the pandemic, many individuals likely only made grocery purchases once or twice a day, and rarely for a week, particularly in urban areas, due to the convenience of purchasing groceries. However, during the pandemic, it is not feasible to make such frequent purchases. Individuals who are not accustomed to or lack the resources to stock up are highly passive.

Consequently, many individuals also engage in hoarding behaviors, emulating the actions of their predecessors who were compelled to do so due to the scarcity of goods during that era.

After spending a considerable amount of time discussing this topic, I would like to reiterate that laziness is an instinctive and human quality. Individuals who are excessively diligent, self-disciplined, and harshly self-critical may be perceived as somewhat anti-human.

It is therefore to be expected that you will become less active under the influence of your husband. You might even say that he has triggered your instinct as a human being.

I apologize if I have confused you. However, this is the typical situation. You love your husband and have become more like him.

Let us discuss the underlying causes of your concerns from a psychological standpoint.

Firstly, it is important to note that you love your husband, as previously mentioned.

Secondly, the family is a system in which the individuals within it exert influence over one another. Some individuals exert a greater influence over the system, and can even influence its direction, while others exert a smaller influence.

A child who has just started kindergarten will be taught many life skills by the teacher, such as eating by themselves and tidying up after themselves. This is an excellent example of how a new member of a system is taught the norms and expectations of that system.

However, the child may return for the weekend and resume their previous routine. This is because the child has returned to the familiar system for two days, and the system's influence has prompted them to revert to their previous behaviour patterns.

For instance, many college students develop positive habits and emotional stability during their academic tenure. However, following a summer break, they may revert to arguing with their parents after the initial excitement dissipates. This is because the college student has returned to a familiar system. Their parents have not altered their approach, and they continue to interact with their daughter in the same manner, exerting a pull on her.

This is the topic of discussion, the so-called "familiar recipe."

In this case, your husband's behavior has a greater influence on your system. Additionally, people tend to prioritize leisure over work. After a full day at the office, it's understandable that you'd prefer to relax at home.

Third, you may be concerned that your self-discipline will exert undue pressure on your husband. To protect his pride or even male chauvinism, you may avoid trying to excel at everything.

It is irrelevant whether your husband has a strong sense of self-esteem or is a chauvinist who believes that women are inferior to men. What is important is that you do not have such subconscious thoughts.

It is possible that this is not your conscious opinion, but could it be that you hold these subconscious beliefs? I am unsure.

Such subconscious thinking is often related to personal experiences, social culture, etc. It must be acknowledged that even in the 21st century, many of our ideas and social psychology have not changed with the advent of space stations.

This social and cultural conditioning is still deeply embedded.

You should consider these issues on your own. I have merely offered a potential line of reasoning, which may not fully align with your actual circumstances.

Let's discuss potential solutions.

While your husband's laid-back demeanor may contribute to a certain level of stress relief and a more relaxed lifestyle, it's important to recognize the emotional value and support he provides. In fact, I believe this dynamic is beneficial and reflects a complementary relationship between you both.

It is important to consider that a relationship between two individuals who are self-disciplined, demanding, and tense, with no room for relaxation, may eventually become boring.

Currently, one partner is responsible for driving progress, while the other is more passive. A balanced approach is essential for a relaxed lifestyle. Your husband appears to be a contented individual with strong inner strength.

I recommend that you consider a different approach to your relationship.

It is important to accept your desire for self-discipline and your husband's laziness.

Then you can be responsible for your own self-improvement and self-discipline outside the home, and your husband can be responsible for loosening your ties when you get home, each doing their own job.

It is also possible to demonstrate self-improvement and self-discipline within the home, though this should be done gradually. I believe that you have consistently demonstrated self-discipline in the home, for example, by maintaining an orderly closet.

Your actions can influence your husband, but it is not advisable to force the issue. Acceptance of both yourself and your husband is essential, and a gradual approach is recommended to allow for natural developments.

I am confident that you will be able to identify the most suitable psychological and behavioral approach to fostering a harmonious relationship.

I am frequently both Buddhist and depressed, an intermittently positive and motivated counselor, and I have a positive outlook on the world.

Hello!

The questioner seems anxious. How would you rate your anxiety on a scale of 1 to 10? I'd rate myself a 10.

The original poster's feelings will be respected.

I want to talk with you.

I talked about the problems I had in life. I wanted to change my husband, but I realized that I had changed too.

"Ambitious, hardworking, self-disciplined" vs. "lazy, unambitious, and unmotivated": the two sets of words are very different.

A husband-and-wife relationship is like Tai Chi: you are in me and I am in you. Even if there are differences, there is also a commonality.

The stark A and -A are an evaluation. When we place such an evaluation in the marital relationship system, it hurts the relationship.

The mother said you've become lazy. This makes you feel bad.

Your mother is your role model. How can you become more different from her?

Are you and your mother the same person, or are you two different women?

Are you and your mother the same person, or are you two different women?

Does feeling different from your mother mean you have to deny yourself?

If you judge yourself by your mother's standards, you ignore your true self.

Her husband was called "lazy" and then evaluated based on that. It seemed like he had lost the ability to position himself.

It's like a student who scored 80 out of 100 on an exam. The teacher and parents are worried because 80 is not a good score and it's unclear how he can get into a good school.

He can recover lost points, but he needs to see his current score.

In a less urgent, less restrictive environment, children naturally improve and everyone can learn.

What do you think of striving?

Carry a bike from point A to point B, which is two blocks away.

A carries the bike without saying a word and walks to the destination.

B calls the towing company, waits for the tow truck, and borrows it to move the car.

C doesn't want to do the task.

Everyone has a different approach. There is no right or wrong. A may be honest. B may be opportunistic or smart. C may be seen as unreasonable.

Each approach is likely to be criticized.

Context:

C. Think about why you do things, not just jumping in. Maybe he spent time playing with Lego and became the chief designer of a Lego toy system.

He is focused on his own affairs.

The most exciting parts of life and work are when you're fully engaged and enjoying what you're doing.

Ideas must keep up with the times, while still respecting tradition and following scientific progress.

You've changed, and your thoughts are helping you feel better.

You feel you're doing something wrong.

Does looking at your happy husband make you happy?

You chose him for marriage because he impressed you.

After a woman gets married, she can learn more about herself. It's good to respect your mother, but you should also think about how your actions affect your marriage.

Tell your mother, "My husband and I are doing well. Your concern has been received."

"

Rediscover the beauty of your marriage with your sweet intelligence and respect.