I grew up with little love and feel like I have two sides to my personality. Am I sick?

Hello, thank you for inviting me. I am Shu Yiqingzheng, a psychological counselor, and I am going to share my thoughts and suggestions, with the goal of providing you with support and help.

It is clear that when parents fail to provide a secure and positive parent-child attachment relationship when the child is young, this attachment relationship model, which is both eager to receive parental love and full of anxiety and fear, becomes an important factor affecting one's relationships with others when they grow up. If you feel unloved, you are not alone.

Hug you!

You exude support and love from your grandmother, and you radiate confidence. You're also highly driven and capable. You're self-aware and actively pursue psychological growth. You're truly exceptional!

We all have different problems at different stages of life. It's not our fault, and it's not because we're not good enough. We need help and strength to grow so we can see our inner feelings and needs, care for ourselves, and finally get the life we want.

01. Security and Insecurity in Relationships

Our desire for and dependence on relationships is often due to our own lack of security.

If they often see their parents arguing and cold-shouldering each other when they were young, and if they don't get any explanations or reassurances from their parents, most children will feel a sense of panic and fear.

That feeling of fear is like the sky is falling. It often results in a lack of inner security in children.

Even as adults, they will still experience the same negative emotions when faced with similar situations in their relationships, which will inevitably lead to relationship difficulties.

Many people experience relationship problems in their early adulthood. A lack of inner security is one of the main causes.

Alfred Adler, the founder of body psychology, definitively stated that all human troubles stem from interpersonal relationships.

Seek professional help from counselors if you need it. Otherwise, learn and grow to improve yourself.

You are not sick. You need to grow and become stronger to help and support yourself.

Reading is an excellent way to develop your ability to think independently and nourish and enrich your hearts and minds. I highly recommend reading some psychology books on personal growth and family relationships.

Read books such as The Courage to Be Disliked, The Art of Communication, and Beyond the Family of Origin.

02. Self-acceptance, self-growth.

An imperfect family of origin or an imperfect self are all just part of one's life. Accept it. There's no need to demand change.

Some facts will not get better because you have a sense of security, nor will they get worse because you don't. The development of facts depends only on the actions you take.

Martin Seligman, the founder of positive psychology, said it best: "The best way to live your life is to change what you can, and accept what you cannot."

Parents have the right to choose their own model of intimacy. It will make the grown-up self aware and awaken, and through one's own growth, one will have the strength and love to break such generational inheritance, stay away from cold violence, and let love flow in the family.

Accept yourself, warts and all, and then grow yourself up.

You've got this. Seeing a problem is the first step towards solving it. Take your time.

First, talk to yourself. When you feel insecure about your relationships or yourself, tell yourself:

This distress is caused by childhood experiences, not the present reality.

Accept your insecurities. They are part of you, and you can choose to comfort, care for, and let them exist.

Do things you're good at and enjoy. This will show you that things that seem out of control are actually not. You'll gain a sense of value and control.

You will adapt and bear it even if you lose control.

Security will come, just like rain nourishing the earth.

A bird standing on a tree is never afraid of the branches breaking because it trusts not in the branches, but in its own wings.

Maturity means cutting off the need for security from others. When you do that, you can mature and get the life you want.

You must accept your imperfections.

Self-acceptance means looking at every part of yourself without any judgment, allowing yourself to be imperfect, allowing others to dislike you, and allowing yourself to have some inferior and vulnerable parts at times, because you also have many brave and confident parts.

We all have our own areas of expertise and shortcomings, which make us unique. Some of these areas are the result of hard work, while others are inherited.

Follow your heart and your needs. Be the person you like. Love yourself and take responsibility for yourself. It's your life. Don't worry about what other people think. They're the ones who are responsible for their own thoughts.

Read these books: "When You Start Loving Yourself, the Whole World Will Love You Back," "Woop Thinking Psychology," and more.

The world and I love you and I'm here to help.

I am a heart exploration coach at Yi Xinli. If you want to continue communicating, click "Find a Coach" in the upper right corner or at the bottom, and I will communicate with you one-on-one.