I have a dilemma. When I speak or have a date, I'm worried about keeping them waiting?

Happy New Year, question asker!

I'm Kelly Shui.

I have a question. When I'm talking or on a date, I want to make sure I don't keep them waiting.

From what I've read, I can tell you're very delicate, perceptive, and considerate of others.

Let's talk about it together.

[About your feelings]

The questioner said that when they were speaking or playing with a friend, the friend said that the time was almost up, and you immediately "froze" and said, "Okay, I'm done!"

I'm done!

Once you become aware of it, take control. Agree with a friend to finish by 4 pm and count to the end.

Or, when friends say this, you can joke that you want to chat with everyone for about ten minutes.

This way, your friends will know that you haven't finished speaking. I know you consider the needs of others in every situation in your life, but you need to make time for your own feelings too.

It's important to remember that relationships are reciprocal. While it's okay for this to happen occasionally with friends, if it's a regular occurrence, it's time to take a step back and reclaim your own initiative.

This will also help friends realize that their sudden suggestions are inappropriate.

We can and should take care of each other, listen to each other, and share with each other. The most important thing is that we do it willingly. If I keep listening and sharing for a while, and my friend suggests that we finish, then I will try sharing some of my thoughts and feelings earlier next time.

"Dare to say no."

We know it is easier for us to say yes.

You have to learn to say no or refuse others.

We should also reflect on whether we have always taken care of others during our growth process.

I'll give you an example.

For example, if someone wants to go to a bookstore and you want to go to a café, you will either follow your own ideas or respect the feelings of others.

If you're with your parents and you like white clothes, but they don't, you don't have to stick to their preferences. You can make your own choices.

If you occasionally take care of other people's thoughts and feelings, that's fine. But if you do it often, it's a burden.

We know ourselves best, and we can start with our friends or parents.

Express your thoughts and requests.

For example, when you are playing, your friend says it's time to go, and the next time you say, "I know," you have to be ready to leave right away.

When we have the right to choose, we will feel free.

[About anxiety]

I also have friends who are more considerate of others. They always say, "Go ahead, get busy!" after I say I'm busy.

Go ahead, get busy!

I could tell she was more nervous than I was. I used to be anxious too, so I could see her desire to think of others in every situation.

I later discovered that agreeing on a time reduced the anxiety of both parties.

This also demonstrates that everyone is, in fact, a relatively sensitive person. There is a term in psychology called "projection."

It's clear that other people are not in a hurry and chat for a while, and we also get anxious for other people.

Our anxiety is likely being projected here.

This is how you can become more aware of your feelings. You need to express these worries, tell a friend that you are an anxious person, and next time, do things according to some agreed-upon time.

We will change, slowly but surely, once we know our feelings and become aware of them.

Anxiety is likely related to long-standing habits. It's also possible that the other person's anxiety affects our mood.

Read these books: "I Always Think Too Much," "Growing in Relationships," and "Fearless Anxiety."

This phenomenon also occurs in my experience, though it manifests specifically when I am engaged in telephone communication, rather than in a face-to-face interaction within a conventional setting.

One should maintain the same level of tension as would be expected in a normal conversation. Given the time constraints and the desire to avoid wasting other people's time, it is understandable that one might feel a certain level of anxiety.

The situation can be divided into two levels. The first is the excessive anxiety experienced, and the second is the consideration of the emotional state of the interlocutor. It is important to note that the intention is not to cause a delay in the time or work of others, nor to cause them additional stressors.

Accordingly, these two possibilities can be addressed.

Firstly, it is essential to stabilise one's emotional state.

In instances where individuals experience elevated levels of anxiety and time constraints, it is possible to temporarily halt the conversation in order to regain composure. This can be achieved by taking a brief pause, inhaling deeply, and exhaling slowly, which allows for a temporary shift in emotional state. When emotions are more balanced, communication tends to be more coherent and effective.

The second factor to consider is the nature of the matter itself. In this regard, it is important to distinguish between two different scenarios.

One is typical communication with friends.

One is a formal occasion with a specified time limit.

In the context of communication with friends, it is possible to speak directly. To illustrate, when engaging in leisure activities with friends, there is no need to rush to engage in conversation during the day, given that the entire day is available for such interactions. Consequently, there is scope for discussing whatever is on one's mind.

When it is time to return home in the evening, for instance, due to the fact that some friends must catch the subway and I must take the bus, a time limit is imposed. In such cases, it may be necessary to depart by 7 or 8 o'clock. At this juncture, a time limit is in effect. During this period, friends will communicate with one another and state, "I still have something to say and I have not finished." If the other party agrees to wait until a later time and walk back, will the first party be in time? In such instances, an agreement is reached, and the conversation is concluded before departure. In the event that everyone is in a hurry, for example, the subway terminates at 10:00, and the return time is 10:00, an alternative arrangement may be made. At this time, the decision may be made to "Let's talk about this next time."

This approach ensures that sharing does not become unduly delayed, thus avoiding inconvenience to friends and other parties involved.

In addition to interpersonal interactions, this phenomenon also manifests in professional contexts, such as delivering a speech at work or on stage.

In such circumstances, time is a limiting factor. For instance, one might have only 15 minutes to speak, or the report may only allow five minutes. In such cases, it is possible to ascertain in advance the length of the speaking engagement and to prepare a preliminary draft.

The script can be formulated according to the speaker's speaking speed. The number of words or the approximate content of a speech can be determined in order to ensure that the speaker will be able to finish what they want to say within the specified time.

This process can also be reversed. For instance, if a speaker has a substantial amount of information to convey within a limited timeframe, they may practice varying their speaking speed—either increasing or decreasing it—in order to meet the objective of finishing within the allotted time.

This bears resemblance to the process of preparing for a Mandarin examination or some teaching qualifications. How might a teacher conclude a 40-minute lesson? It is undoubtedly feasible through training. Our profession may not be as inflexible as lecturing.

Therefore, it is not necessary to undergo systematic training. Instead, one can simply attempt to gain a deeper comprehension of the subject matter. At home, one can record oneself and attempt to ascertain the number of words one can articulate within a minute. These methods facilitate the development of self-awareness and self-correction.

In the event of an unanticipated occurrence, such as a reminder from a colleague or acquaintance that the designated time for a conversation is nearly elapsed, it is possible to inquire as to the subsequent obligations of the other party and ascertain whether a brief postponement of the discussion would be acceptable. This approach can provide a concrete understanding of the remaining time and facilitate adjustments to the ongoing discourse. In the event that a conclusion to the conversation is unfeasible, it is acceptable to indicate that the discussion will be continued at a later point in time.

If one is able to conclude the discourse in a timely manner, it is advisable to distill the essential elements of the discussion and articulate the content in a clear and effective manner.

In some formal work contexts, it is important to recognise that the content in the foreground should be given priority, while the background material is typically used to provide a summary or conclusion. Even if this information is not explicitly conveyed, it can be omitted without significantly impacting the overall coherence of the discourse. Similarly, if time constraints require a rapid completion of the task, this does not necessarily affect the logical flow of the argument, although the lack of expression may be noticeable.

It is my hope that through the application of self-regulation and communication skills, individuals will be better able to navigate social interactions, comprehend social situations more effectively, and identify appropriate modes of expression.