I have emotional problems all the time. Can someone like me have a stable intimate relationship?

From what you've said, it seems like you feel anxious and fearful about your confused emotions when it comes to intimate relationships.

Your studies in psychology have made you doubt whether you can change.

I think you may be hoping for an answer from within: "I can change."

Whether you think you can change it or not, deep down, you probably want to be in an intimate relationship that gives you peace of mind and accepts you for who you are.

This will take time and a process. In the meantime, we can work on getting to know ourselves better.

You've also learned how to get along with yourself, calm yourself down, and take care of your inner self. This power to love yourself can also be a powerful force for changing attachment patterns.

You have a knack for understanding and perceiving, and you can learn by observation. You can identify your own patterns of behavior in intimate relationships and experience your own emotions.

I think that as you continue your studies in psychology, you'll be able to explore and understand yourself more and more, and figure out what you need.

You feel anxious in a relationship. What's causing that anxiety? What are you trying to avoid?

Research in developmental psychology has shown that a secure attachment type can become insecure, and forming a secure attachment with another person can help to offset the negative effects of an insecure attachment. Our thinking tends to develop in a dynamic way.

Best, -

Hello! I really hope my answer can help you in some way.

First of all, let's not label ourselves. Attachment styles are certainly malleable, and we can all slowly move towards a secure attachment style. It just takes time and a long process, but you've got this! Take your time, make adjustments slowly, and believe that things will get better and better.

Indeed, from a psychological point of view, it is the patterns of interaction with our loved ones and the type of attachment we have with them that determine how we feel and act in relationships and how we interact with others later on. But the great news is that if we become aware of this and make adjustments, we can certainly change!

Attachment theory in psychology shows us that our attachment type affects the way we process social information, think, feel, and act. Psychologist Kim Bartholomew believes that everyone's attachment style is different. He divides adult attachment patterns into four types: secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful.

People who are secure in their relationships feel comfortable with intimacy and mutual dependence. They are optimistic and outgoing, and they love to participate in social activities!

Anxious folks are always on high alert about their relationships with others. They really want to establish close relationships with others, but if their close ones have close relationships with other people, they can sometimes feel jealous.

Avoidant folks tend to rely on themselves, which is totally understandable! They might not be the most interested in intimate relationships, and they often come across as cold and independent.

On the other hand, ambivalent (fearful) people are often afraid of being rejected. They may find it difficult to trust others and even themselves. They can be suspicious and shy.

It's totally possible that you do tend to have an ambivalent insecure attachment. In fact, according to surveys, ambivalent attachment accounts for about 40% of all insecure attachment types, which is actually a very common attachment type.

People with ambivalent attachment tend to avoid close relationships. But there's more to it than that. It's really about an internal fear of abandonment. It stems from a desire to feel an unconditional sense of acceptance. Unfortunately, this has never happened in their lives. And it's often related to our childhood experiences.

Do you remember a time when you were a kid and you just couldn't seem to get any positive reinforcement from your folks, no matter what you did? It's totally understandable that this might have led to a kind of "I don't know if I can trust this thing called life" kind of attitude.

We all need a safe base that supports and recognizes us. In childhood, that comes from our parents.

In our teenage years, we look to our friends and intimate partners for love and support. As we grow up, we find these needs met in a partner or spouse in a more permanent relationship.

It's really interesting to think that when we grow up, we often end up repeating the emotional patterns of our parents. It's like we're carrying around a deep-seated understanding of "home" with us.

It's so easy to fall back into old patterns when we're no longer children. We often treat others the way we were treated by our own mothers and fathers. This can lead to doubting the love of our loved ones and not believing that others love us.

But we can't blame our parents for this. They did the best they could, bless them!

Our parents can't teach us what they don't know, sweetheart. If your parents don't know how to love themselves, they can't teach you to love yourself.

They're just trying their best to teach their kids what they learned when they were young.

If you want to understand your parents better, I really recommend listening to their childhood stories. If you listen with compassion, you will understand where their fear and strictness come from. These people who "treated you in such a way" have the same fears and worries as you.

If you want to understand your parents better, I really recommend listening to their childhood stories. If you listen with a lot of love and compassion, you will understand where their fear and strictness come from. These people who "treated you in such a way" had the same fears and worries as you.

So, what we need to do now is to rebuild a secure attachment pattern. Don't worry, you can do it!

First, we need to learn to be our own inner parents and give ourselves unconditional love and acceptance.

We can't change our parents, and that's okay! They have their own thoughts and actions, and if they're not ready to change, that's totally fine. We can't change them, but we can accept them for who they are.

Since parents can't always give us unconditional love, it's up to us to give ourselves that love. We can do this by thinking of our ideal parents in our hearts.

When you can accept yourself unconditionally and learn to love yourself, you'll feel a wonderful sense of inner peace and tranquility.

It's totally normal to find it easier said than done to accept yourself.

Because, influenced by old ways of thinking, there will always be some voices in our hearts that negate and attack ourselves. But don't worry! As long as you persist in practicing, persist in seeing the real you, and constantly try to accept your shortcomings and deficiencies, and see your own merits and values, the more you accept yourself, the more harmonious your inner self will become.

Secondly, it's a great idea to spend more time with friends who have a secure attachment.

People with a secure attachment pattern are great at trusting and relying on others. They're also really good at adapting to being alone without getting anxious or worried about being abandoned.

When you spend time with someone who has a secure attachment, it's like a warm hug! You'll feel totally accepted and supported, and over time, you'll start to trust people again. You'll gradually open up your inner world and start to change towards having a secure attachment.

Third, it's so important to establish positive beliefs and believe in the power of belief.

Third, it's so important to establish positive beliefs and believe in the power of belief.

There's a fascinating psychological phenomenon called the Pygmalion effect. It suggests that we tend to get what we expect, and what we expect isn't always what we want.

If you expect something with confidence and truly believe that things will go smoothly, then they really will! On the contrary, if you believe that things are constantly being hindered, then these obstacles will arise.

We can choose how we think, and that's something to be grateful for! Even if we find ourselves repeating a thought over and over again, it doesn't mean we don't have a choice.

We can choose how we think, and that's something to be grateful for! Even if you feel like you're stuck in a loop of the same thoughts, you always have the power to change them.

We have the amazing power to choose certain thoughts and the power to reject certain thoughts.

Absolutely! We have the power to choose certain thoughts and the power to reject certain thoughts, don't we?

Take a moment to think about whether you've ever rejected positive thoughts. You can absolutely reject negative thoughts too!

So, it's really important to reject those negative thoughts and embrace some positive beliefs instead. Believe that others like you, believe that others love you, believe that others cherish you...

You've got this! You are worthy of being liked, loved, and cherished by others. Keep telling yourself this, and you'll see how true it is.

And most importantly, you have to believe: you are worth being liked by others, you are worth being loved, you are worth being cherished... (Please keep telling yourself this.)

And most importantly, you have to believe that you are worthy of being liked, loved, and cherished by others. (Please keep telling yourself this.)

Come on, I really do wish you happiness!

Good morning, host.

I am gratified to have had the opportunity to meet with Xiao Jing.

I can discern your perplexity regarding your own difficulties, yet I also perceive that you possess a remarkable capacity for introspection and a fortitude in seeking assistance.

One might inquire whether an emotionally unstable individual can maintain a stable intimate relationship. The answer is affirmative.

Indeed, it is possible.

1. It may be of interest to consider the distinction between fixed and growth thinking. The crucial point is that growth is the key objective. Past events are not in themselves problematic, but rather offer the potential for development and growth.

2. Attachment types are classified into two categories: secure and insecure. The latter is further subdivided into three subcategories: anxious, ambivalent (fearful), and avoidant. These attachment relationships are also discernible and comprehensible to the individual. This includes the type of parent.

The majority of individuals experience feelings of insecurity, yet it is possible to overcome these emotions. As demonstrated in today's session, the act of observing one's own thoughts and behaviors can be a form of healing. For instance, an individual may express a desire to form close relationships while simultaneously seeking to conceal certain aspects of themselves. It is beneficial to engage in this experience and recognize that nobody is perfect. It is important to acknowledge that everyone possesses both positive and negative qualities, yet this does not necessarily result in a loss of affection. It is essential to embrace one's authentic self, recognizing that this self is the most genuine and sincere version of oneself. It is crucial to understand that being imperfect is not a reflection of being unworthy, but rather a natural aspect of the human experience. It is essential to accept and love oneself unconditionally.

3. The self develops a stable, secure, continuous, and stable sense of self because it can demonstrate competence, elicit responses, and receive attention. Individuals can now serve as their own inner parents, care for themselves, affirm themselves, appreciate themselves, and gradually construct a sense of competence and accomplishment in their lives.

It is possible to achieve this.

4. It is this author's recommendation that readers interested in personal growth and development consider "Writing to Heal" by Teacher Bing Qianli. The text offers a method for healing emotional wounds and fostering personal stability.

5. Those with an affinity for psychology may choose to pursue systematic learning in this field. It is also possible that encountering a suitable counselor and an appropriate object may facilitate accelerated growth, leading to a reduction in obstacles and an enhancement of confidence.

It is my sincere hope that these suggestions will prove beneficial, and I wish you the utmost success in your future endeavors.

Hi there, From what you've said, it seems like you're a bright, inquisitive child who's looking to understand yourself better through psychology. However, you're also feeling a bit confused and helpless along the way.

I'm a psychotherapist, and I'd like to share some insights from a psychological perspective. From what you've shared, it seems like your mother is avoidant and your father is anxious. Your parents' relationship has made you feel insecure, and you've expressed a desire for a secure and stable attachment in your intimate relationships. You've also shared that you're afraid of men, so you've chosen to stay with girls, but when you get close, you tend to run away. Your therapist has suggested that you may belong to the ambivalent type, and you've expressed some confusion about how these theories might apply to you and whether they're constraints you can't adjust to.

Attachment theory has two types: secure and insecure. The insecure types are conflicted, avoidant, and chaotic. This is closely connected with your relationship with your mother during your growth process. Conflicted children can express their wants, but they push them away internally. Avoidant children cannot express themselves and flee. They have lower levels of mentalization. Chaotic children grow up in extremely unstable environments, being exposed to violence, abandonment, and lack of response. This is very chaotic. Your description of your family relationships and the relationships you have established gives you a less pessimistic view.

In a relationship, there's also a safe attachment to any kind of insecure attachment that can be healed. This could be a safe attachment to conflict or a safe attachment to avoidance. However, if you're not stable, a safe attachment partner will tolerate you. This means that finding a good partner can also change your attachment pattern. It's a process that takes time. What about conflict to conflict?

You two are basically one person, and you're happy together. But there will still be conflicts and arguments. You need to understand yourselves and each other, and you also need to wait rather than run away when he needs something and you can't meet his needs in time. You need to express your conflicts, and one person will avoid the other. One party is a high-demand baby, and the other party is unable to meet his needs. They take the approach of one person chasing after the other, but you need to understand that his escape is not because he doesn't love you, but because he doesn't know how to express himself, so he runs away.

For the chaotic type, chaos usually clashes with chaos, and it can sometimes indicate the presence of personality disorders (such as borderline, narcissistic or antisocial, etc.).

I'm really happy to see you're exploring your own psychology. But just reading theories isn't enough; you also need to experience and become aware. With the help of a professional psychotherapist, you can slowly get to know yourself and learn to be yourself. A psychology teacher of mine once said that the three greatest blessings in life are a good mother, a good partner, and a good counselor. If you want to explore yourself, find a good object relationship, get to know yourself, adjust yourself, and become a better version of yourself. The world and I love you, and you need to learn to love yourself. Good luck!