I have had several affairs during my marriage, what should I do during the period of rebuilding trust?

Hello.

If you want to know if your partner is cheating, look for problems in the intimate relationship. The only way to rebuild a healthy, happy relationship is to fix the problems in the original intimate relationship.

This requires the person to recall and recognize past patterns of interaction, summarize the problems, and correct unhealthy interactions.

The primary concern in intimate relationships is the "trust" relationship.

The questioner himself admits to having cheated many times, which is a direct challenge to the foundation of mutual affection and trust. The wife may no longer be able to trust her partner because just one infidelity represents an emotional shift away from the relationship. This means that the principle of "loyalty" to the marriage has been broken. When the wife chooses to forgive and the husband still cheats again, it shows that the husband is not aware of the extent of the trauma his actions have caused to the relationship and marriage. It may even be irreparable. The wife chooses to compromise in order to maintain the appearance of a harmonious relationship, but even this superficial harmony has been torn apart and broken again by the husband's lack of self-awareness. In fact, it already represents a zero trust foundation. The "trust" index has reached the bottom and continued to accumulate with the husband's infidelities, moving from 0 to a negative number.

Restore the shattered trust.

1. He must realize the mistake in his behavior, apologize sincerely, and correct it.

The courage to admit one's faults and the determination not to repeat them is the core of the problem in a relationship. The core of the problem is that the wrongdoer does not recognize his own responsibility for the mistake. You must take responsibility for your actions and make an effort to correct them if you want to regain the trust that has been lost. Repent bitterly for past infidelities and avoid, both in behavior and in awareness, doing anything that would hurt your wife again.

A husband who slaps his wife because she loses her temper and then apologizes has not realized the damage his violent behavior has done to his wife and their relationship. A true apology is not one where actions follow emotions; it is one where reason and stable emotions return at the same time. A husband must realize his role, give his wife equal respect, and be able to calm disputes through rational communication when problems arise. He must not act like a wild horse that has broken free of the reins and lash out emotionally at will.

2. Maintain a distance from the opposite sex and set clear boundaries.

Playing video games with the opposite sex late at night is a problem.

This is unacceptable! There is no room for excuses or explanations because both parties have blurred the boundaries between the sexes when it comes to boundary management. Not to mention the fact that it was late at night, and as the "head of the household," he did not know how to discipline his own behavior but instead indulged himself. In fact, he was telling his wife and family, "I don't care." Then, as an equal partner, the wife also played games with a stranger late at night. Can the questioner also tolerate the other person with their current indifferent attitude?

If the answer is "yes," it only shows that you don't love your wife. In no intimate relationship does one party not care about the management of boundaries between the partner and other members of the opposite sex.

3. Use a positive and interactive feedback model.

When there is a problem in a couple's relationship, aside from a lack of trust, there is also a significant "conflict of personalities." They are used to communicating in a way that they are familiar with, without any concern for how the other person feels about what they say. Couples who have problems are precisely those who use negative and dismissive communication.

For example,

"Go get me some water!" (using a commanding tone)

"Why are you so bad at everything?" (This is belittling and denying the other person's value.)

You must communicate in a positive and proactive manner, standing on an equal footing, showing respect and understanding for the other person, and communicating and interacting in a way that praises and encourages.

For example,

"I'm thirsty. Get me a glass of water."

"I want to know more about how I can be more positive and constructive in the face of economic uncertainty. I'm looking for ideas and feedback that will help me navigate this challenge."

If the original problem cannot be corrected, the relationship will not be stable and have a future. If it cannot be corrected, or if you don't want to correct it, you must let each other go. This is the best outcome for both of you.

Best wishes.

Good day, question asker. My name is Evan.

From the questioner's description, it can be seen that the questioner is currently engaged in efforts to repair his intimate relationship with his wife. The fact that the questioner engaged in infidelity during the marriage and was discovered by his wife can be described as a significant challenge.

It is imperative that you be honest with your wife, regardless of the activities you engage in with other people. If you continue to lie and cover up the facts, your wife will inevitably doubt you and distrust you.

The extent to which trust is restored between a husband and wife depends on the questioner. If the questioner wishes to rebuild a trusting relationship with his wife, he must rebuild trust with his wife in a serious and sincere manner. This will allow the relationship to be restored gradually.

I will now provide the poster with some straightforward advice on how to regain his wife's trust in response to his question.

It is essential to be fully honest.

After a betrayal, continuing to lie, make up stories, cover up the truth, or deny facts only serves to compound the damage. It is imperative that the questioner have the courage to face the other person honestly, regardless of the circumstances.

This is the only way to demonstrate honesty.

View yourself as a trusted associate of your spouse. This mindset is crucial for rebuilding trust.

Then, communicate to the other person that you require them to begin trusting you again. The key to restoring trust is for the questioner to take the initiative and confess everything to their wife, as well as take the initiative to confess their actions.

It is important to be transparent and honest with your spouse. While it may be tempting to ignore or hide aspects of the truth, doing so can make your spouse feel insecure. An incomplete confession may achieve the goal of admitting guilt and resolving the problem in the short term. However, the truth will likely hurt your wife for a while. On the other hand, an honest attitude can facilitate long-term reconciliation.

Maintaining transparency can enhance the relationship. Additional misrepresentations are likely to be identified, impeding the process of reconciliation.

The spouse of the question asker will inquire to confirm existing knowledge. Additionally, the other person may be able to discern falsehoods through body language, speech patterns, or other observable behaviors.

Ultimately, your misrepresentations will impede your ability to progress.

Do not attempt to justify your actions; accept responsibility for them.

In the event that the questioner has made an error, he is expected to take the initiative to admit it to his wife. This admission must be made willingly and without external pressure or threats. It is acknowledged that the questioner may engage in infidelity during the course of the marriage, and that the wife may also bear some responsibility in this regard. The questioner is advised to refrain from attributing blame to his wife.

Do not blame your wife, as she is not at fault for your decision to lie to her.

Do not make vague or false excuses, such as claiming that another party misled the questioner, that you were confused and unaware of the truth, that you did not intend to deceive, or that you are blaming someone else. Unless the questioner is compelled to lie, you are lying voluntarily at other times, and your spouse is aware of this.

Context:

It would be inadvisable to adopt an aggressive stance at this juncture. Instead, it would be more constructive to demonstrate remorse, regret, pity, compassion, honesty, and mutual trust.

It is important to be patient with your spouse.

It is essential that the questioner demonstrate patience and understanding when confronted with his spouse's doubts and reservations. It is only natural for someone to question and disbelieve after being deceived, particularly when the evidence suggests that the questioner is not a reliable individual.

Restoring trust with a spouse is not a quick process, even for those who are kind.

In the process of rebuilding trust with his wife, the questioner repented, apologized, and vowed to always be honest with each other in the future. However, it is important to recognize that this will not necessarily result in a complete return to the previous relationship dynamic. It is essential to anticipate that the questioner's spouse may experience emotional turbulence as a result of this incident.

It is not uncommon for individuals experiencing emotional distress to exhibit a range of symptoms, including mood swings, sleep disturbances, appetite changes, physical discomfort, sudden crying, and avoidance behaviors. While these symptoms may subside or improve in the short term, it is important to recognize that a full recovery may take time.

This is a process that requires patience and understanding on the part of the questioner.

It is recommended that you spend more time with her.

It is important to note that your spouse requires your support and guidance during challenging times. Being emotionally available is crucial, particularly if your spouse is facing emotional difficulties. By staying with your spouse and supporting her through these challenges, you can help alleviate her feelings of being undervalued.

It is important to listen to your wife's complaints and rants, even if you are the source of the problem. Otherwise, the questioner's spouse may lose the most important person in her life, the one who can help her the most, and that person is you.

Be patient. While it is challenging to respond to your wife's inquiries and address her concerns, it is crucial to persevere for a brief period to prevent her from becoming overwhelmed and reacting irrationally later on.

The question asker must once again disregard her suspicions and demonstrate transparency. It is important to recognize that when the child is in the presence of others, she will still exhibit a degree of distrust and may still harbor doubts about the question asker.

Seize the opportunity to enhance the relationship.

The questioner has been unfaithful on several occasions during the marriage, and his wife has discovered these infidelities. Despite this, the other party has chosen to remain in the marriage. Regardless of how angry, petty, or unpredictable the wife may become, she has already demonstrated sufficient love and positive character traits to warrant trust in the questioner.

It is imperative that the questioner demonstrates respect for his wife and gratitude.

Your wife is currently re-evaluating you. When you reflect on your past actions, you may also have some reservations about your own conduct. You may feel that your behavior was dishonorable, that you were unfaithful to your partner, and that you withheld information from them.

It is essential to decide to revert to the person you aspire to be.

Express gratitude to your wife for providing you with the opportunity, and ensure that you consistently express gratitude to your loved one from this point forward. Reflecting on the significant effort you and your spouse have invested will not only reinforce your relationship, but also help you avoid repeating similar mistakes in the future.

It is important to express your love often, sincerely, and from the heart, looking her in the eyes when you say it. Saying, "You are the person I love most," will have a unique meaning.

The spouse will not say the same thing because she is still in the process of healing. If she also says "I love you" at this time, it will have a negative impact on her emotional state. She will wonder if you also often say this to other women, so it is the responsibility of the questioner to make his wife believe in your love for her again, no matter how long it takes.

During the period of rebuilding trust, the questioner must take the initiative to actively report all his actions with the opposite sex and also assist his wife with household tasks or offer her compliments whenever possible. After cheating, if you want to rebuild trust, it is akin to a stranger trying to build trust – regardless of how proactive you are, it is never excessive. Whenever you have time, send your wife flowers or small gifts, just like when you were first in love.

Should this approach prove ineffective, it is advisable to seek the assistance of a qualified counselor. An experienced counselor can assist you and your spouse in identifying and addressing the underlying issues, with the aim of strengthening your relationship.

It is my hope that this response will prove helpful to the individual who posed the question.

Hello, question asker!

I'm Yi Ming, your heart exploration coach!

After cheating, you are on the road to recovery and ready to make your relationship better than ever!

After cheating, you are on the road to repairing your relationship and getting along!

You haven't cheated on your wife yet, but you have been playing video games with a female colleague until late at night! Your wife asked if you were lying about not playing with someone you know.

You may have your reasons for saying this, and I'm thrilled to provide you with a different perspective, which I know will be enlightening!

1. The good news is that it is relatively easy to forgive infidelity. The not-so-good news is that it is difficult to rebuild trust.

You said that you have "cheated on your wife several times and have even considered divorce," and that the two of you are now trying to get along. It seems that you have reached a consensus not to give up on your marriage and to get along well—and it's so great to hear that you've made this decision together!

You said that you have "cheated on your wife several times and have even considered divorce," and that the two of you are now trying to get along. It seems that you have reached a consensus: you will not give up on your marriage and will try to get along.

So, did you make any promises to your wife?

I'd love to hear your views on your own infidelity!

If you don't think playing games is a big deal, I'm sure you'll be thrilled to know why you lied about it!

If you lied about something that wasn't that important, you might as well have lied about everything else!

It's totally possible that your wife thinks this way!

Absolutely! Especially when the trust between two people is already in crisis, I don't think lying is a good way to deal with it.

So it's totally normal for my wife to be angry!

There's a simple way to make things better: put yourself in your wife's shoes and think about things from her perspective. You'll understand her better and be able to rebuild a trusting relationship!

2. Make sure you communicate deeply and take care of the needs of both people!

We all want our partners to be trustworthy, and that's a great thing! Even if you play games with your female colleagues until late at night, your wife may also want you to tell her the truth.

Have you tried talking to your wife about why you prefer playing games with your female colleagues? I bet she'd love to hear your reasons!

Do you get some kind of amazing psychological satisfaction?

Are you ready to make a change and avoid playing games with your female colleagues for good?

Absolutely! Whenever this happens, you can look at your own thoughts and needs.

Also, look at your wife's needs.

For example, if you are only interested in playing games with other people, think about how you can make your wife feel loved and appreciated!

Do you have time to spend together? It would be great if you did!

This is a great time to think about how you can make your wife feel loved and appreciated. While you might not think much of playing games, your wife may feel completely differently.

For example, in her eyes, you play games late into the night to keep your female colleague company, and you don't tell the truth about it. Even though you are at home, your heart is not there. But you can change this! You can regain her trust.

Absolutely! You should definitely communicate more deeply.

For example, you can tell your wife that you will never lie again and will try your best to do what she expects of you.

If she is unhappy, she can also explain why, so that you can understand—and work together to find a solution!

You can also say that you sometimes play games to relax, and you just play for a while. It's not because the other person is a female colleague that you ignore your wife's feelings.

It's just that you inadvertently ignored her feelings, which you can easily fix!

What's important is what you really think!

Why not choose to play games with your female colleague until late at night?

3. Invest more energy and sincerity to deal with it. You can do this!

You ask, "How can you gain her trust?"

Your infidelity is traumatic for your wife, but you can help her through it!

It could even cause her to lose faith and doubt her self-worth!

Before, you could say anything and she would easily trust and understand you. But now, you have the opportunity to build a stronger, more trusting relationship!

Absolutely! We need to respond with more patience, sincerity, and trust.

It's a whole new ballgame!

It's time to show the world what you're made of! Show your attitude through your actions.

In the past, playing games might not have been a big deal. But now, it could be the trigger!

Absolutely! You should definitely try to spend more time interacting with each other and paying close attention to each other.

Even if you play games, just play for a while! I'm sure your wife will understand.

It's not about whether you've cheated or not. What matters is how you do it!

Intimate relationships are an amazing opportunity for constant learning and nurturing!

You can do it! Try to understand yourself more and the other person more, and it will be easier for the two of you to go the distance.

Wishing you all the best!

From what you've shared about the situation, it seems that the main challenge you're facing is rebuilding trust in the relationship.

I would like to offer three suggestions for your consideration:

It would be advisable to begin by offering an apology.

It is important to be clear that you are the one who has done something wrong in the marriage. When you mention the infidelity in the future, you should apologize sincerely to your spouse and ask for forgiveness. At the same time, you should thank her for her generosity. Having a correct attitude is an important step in opening up friendly communication with each other and is also the first step in improving your relationship in the marriage.

No matter what the other person says, even if you don't want to, even if you have a reason to argue, it's important to try to maintain a calm and respectful demeanor. After all, you made the mistake first. By sincerely admitting your fault, demonstrating understanding, and offering a solution, you can help the other person feel heard and reduce any feelings of imbalance or resentment. This can also lay a good foundation for the future development of your marriage in a positive direction.

Secondly, it would be advisable to confess as soon as possible.

In your account, you mentioned that you played games with a female colleague and that after your wife found out, you tried to cover it up with a lie. Perhaps your original intention was not to cause the other person to misunderstand. There is nothing wrong with normal interactions with the opposite sex. However, your wife, who had already lost trust in you, may have thought more because of your cover-ups.

I believe the best solution to this problem is for you to let your wife know in advance before you get involved with anyone of the opposite sex. For example, I'm going to play games with my colleagues tonight, and there is a woman among them. I'll let you know in advance that we are just in a normal colleague relationship.

I believe that this kind of frank explanation will have a much better effect than trying to explain things after the other person has found out, or even worse, making up a lie that is exposed. In addition, I think that when you are interacting with the opposite sex, it is important to consider the time factor as much as possible. That is to say, if it is late, it might be best to avoid meeting or even calling the opposite sex alone.

When communicating with the opposite sex, it is always advisable to be mindful of your tone of voice. It is best to avoid ambiguous or provocative language. If it is possible for you to do so, it might be helpful to let your wife check your phone whenever she wants, as this will help to build trust with her.

Thirdly, it may help to strengthen the relationship.

It is understandable that the cheated party may feel sad and upset when infidelity is discovered. This is because they may feel that your love for them is no longer as pure as it once was.

It may be helpful to consider that the sadness she is experiencing is related to the fact that your relationship has changed. If you would like to build trust with your partner, it might be beneficial to devote more time, energy, and love to your relationship.

If you can demonstrate to her that you care about and love her, your relationship will gradually improve. Many women, when they feel loved and cared for by their husbands, are less likely to suspect their partners of cheating.

It is not uncommon for wives to be unaware of their husbands' feelings towards other women. They often believe that their husbands only love them and would never be tempted by other members of the opposite sex.

If the aforementioned methods have not yielded the desired result, it may be beneficial to arrange a mutually convenient time for both parties to engage in a constructive dialogue when they are both in a calm and composed state of mind. During this conversation, it would be valuable for the other person to express their expectations and concerns in a respectful manner.

It is important to remember that, no matter what she asks, it is best not to argue with her. If you are unable to do so,

Perhaps it would be beneficial to negotiate with him again and consider his proposals. After all, once she feels that some of her requests have been met, she will undoubtedly appreciate your sincerity.

Even if you are unable to fulfill some of her requests, she will likely still understand and adjust her expectations accordingly. Because she senses that you have already made changes for her, this may have a more positive impact than if you had initially rejected some of her suggestions.

It may be helpful to consider the above methods as a way of quickly gaining the other person's trust. Similarly, if you're hoping to maintain a good state of your marriage, these methods could be beneficial.

It might be helpful to communicate more with each other and find ways to make life more interesting. This could be a good way to maintain your relationship.

For instance, you might consider going out for regular romantic candlelit dinners, going to the movies, and talking about your thoughts with each other. You may also wish to add some romantic knick-knacks to the interior decoration, which could help to make your home feel warm and welcoming.

It would be beneficial to try to tell your partner gently what you need and what you want to change, strive to reach a consensus, and deepen your relationship through constant communication. As your relationship grows better and better, you may find that you no longer need the outside world to give you some fresh stimulation or spiritual comfort.

I hope you can stay true to your original aspirations and continue to make your marriage work. It would also be wonderful if you could find a new way to make yourself happier within your marriage.

I wish you a hundred years of happiness and a bright future together.

Hello, I'm Xin Tan, your coach Fei You. I'm so happy to be here with you, listening to your story.

It's so hard when our partners cheat on us, isn't it? I can tell from what you've said that you're really trying to win back your wife's trust. It's a great start! It shows you're really trying to make things right.

You think it's no big deal to play games with your female colleague until late at night, but when your wife asks you about it, you feel like you have to lie to her. You feel like your wife's anger is an incredible and unnecessary worry.

Let's take a peek at some things that might be going on in your intimate relationships.

It's true that men and women are different.

The book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus is a great place to start if you're looking to understand the innate differences between men and women.

It's because of their different biological structures that men and women have different ways of thinking and behaving. For example, men focus on the matter itself, while women pay more attention to emotions; men are single-minded in doing one thing, while women can multitask.

Take the example of the noise from the upstairs renovation. Some people have a tolerance level of 7 out of 10, while others have a tolerance level of 0. It's so interesting how everyone's tolerance level is different!

Let's take another look at the situation. You thought it was no big deal that you played video games late into the night with your female colleague, but your wife is upset. Why?

It's all because of boundaries!

In a marriage, men and women have different needs, and that's okay! Men want to be appreciated, adored, and appreciated by their wives. Women want to feel secure, valued, and cared for by their husbands.

Playing video games, staying up late, and hanging out with a female colleague are all fun, but they can also make the other person feel insecure. Try using the mood and energy you would have used playing video games to chat with her, listen to her, pay more attention to and appreciate her, and what she does.

It's so sad when infidelity and multiple infidelities destroy intimacy and the sense of security that your partner deserves in a marriage. You feel like you're trying your best and making amends with all your heart, but this is your standard, not the other party's.

True change is not for her, but for the relationship itself. This includes your close relationship with her, your parent-child relationship with your children, and the relationship with your parents-in-law that comes with marriage. This is something you should take on with a smile on your face!

? 2. How to repair a relationship

Family therapy guru Ms. Satir once talked about intimate relationships in this way: When a man and a woman talk about their feelings, they start by talking about the weather, and then they move on to facts, and gradually they move up to opinions, and then they gradually start talking about their feelings, and finally they open up to each other and can even boldly trust each other enough to talk about their vulnerabilities.

But in reality, it's the opposite: talk about the weather, talk about facts, talk about opinions, talk about feelings. This is precisely the direction in which relationships break down.

I'd love to share with you a few ways to repair a relationship.

1. They're brave enough to express their feelings:

It's only when we connect on an emotional level that we can truly feel close and intimate with each other.

Expressing your feelings is the best way to create intimacy. When you disagree, it's often because you're both right! It's not useful to reason with someone who thinks they're right, so it's better to listen to each other.

Reasoning in a relationship will only lead to arguments, and you'll probably end up winning the arguments but losing the relationship. So, it's better to "act with emotion and reason with logic."

It's so important to express yourself sincerely and listen to the other person. And most importantly, there has to be an emotional flow in the process.

2. Never, ever complain!

It's okay to make demands when your hopes aren't fulfilled. We all get frustrated sometimes, and that's okay too.

We all have unmet needs, and they can sometimes come out as complaints.

I know it can be tough, but have you taken some time to reflect on your relationship despite the affair? It's so important to understand what you need and what you want.

Apart from physical stimulation, is there something else you need in your intimate relationship? For example, the above-mentioned "gratitude, adoration, and appreciation."

3. Take off your armor, my friend:

Take off your armor in front of your loved ones. You want to reconcile from the bottom of your heart, but not to "please" her, but for yourself (the responsibility you should bear).

When you're intimate with someone, you're not afraid of them.

Open your heart and reconnect with your partner to rebuild intimacy.

I really think you should check out The Five Love Languages. You deserve to enjoy all the happiness and sweetness you already have!

I really hope this helps you, and I love you so much ?

If you'd like to keep chatting, just click 'Find a coach' in the top right corner or at the bottom. I'd love to keep in touch and support you further.