I have strong moral standards for myself, and I criticize myself. What about self-defeating behavior?

Hello, I'm Shu Yaping, a coach. After reading your description, I see a kind, genuine, talented, rich, and moral person.

01. From an adult's perspective, I have sorted out the following points from your description:

The death of a classmate made you sad.

You care about and love the people around you.

You have high expectations for yourself.

④, confusion and exploration of your own psychology during adolescence

These thoughts and feelings are normal and important during adolescence.

Dealing with it properly will help you in the next stage of your life.

Your thinking and questioning are great!

You are in Erikson's fifth stage of life (ages 13 to 19). This is the identity versus role confusion stage.

In adolescence, we have different social roles. We are friends, students, children, and citizens.

Many people will have an identity crisis at this stage.

If our parents let us explore the outside world, we can find our identity.

If parents are too controlling or insecure, children will be confused about their role and feel lost.

Peers and role models are key to learning and counseling-is-about-the-visitors-self-growth-how-so-11743.html" target="_blank">self-growth.

Read the biographies of famous people. Their experience and wisdom can help you find direction and strength.

3. You're smart. You can think for yourself based on what teachers say.

I have a few suggestions:

Listen to yourself, write down your feelings, and just be yourself.

Let yourself think differently. The real you has different thoughts, and these make up the complete you.

Be complete, not perfect.

2. Sort the teachers' responses. Put the parts you understand and agree with in one group. Put the parts you don't understand in another.

Then, you can talk to a teacher or parent you trust. Their opinions will help you grow.

If a friend leaves, it's okay to feel sad. Let the sadness flow through you without fighting it.

When we allow ourselves to grieve, we let it go.

It will remind us to cherish our loved ones and ourselves.

Next time you have a new idea, make a mind map. See how many more ideas you can come up with.

Some thoughts are evil. What do they represent?

Decorating them with different fruits is fun and makes you feel good.

The Q&A House is a great place to share ideas and help others.

Love you! Hope this helps.

The questioner is absolutely lovely!

I'm Kelly Shui!

I have strong moral standards for myself, and I'm learning to be kinder to myself. What can I do to stop self-defeating behavior?

After reading your words, I am filled with inspiration about emotions such as morality, idealism, and guilt!

Your words have also inspired me a little!

[On morality]

Eighteen is an amazing age! You really make me feel like I understand your thoughts better.

I absolutely love this saying: "He who knows others is wise, he who knows himself is enlightened. He who is superior to others is powerful, he who is superior to himself is strong, he who is content is rich, and he who is determined has a purpose."

You are constantly growing and learning about yourself! It's amazing to see how your moral senses are evolving. But who or what inspired you to start this journey?

I'd love to give you an example!

When I was young, my parents always said that lying children are not good children. But later, when I grew up, I discovered something amazing! Children who can lie are wise!

And there's another great saying: "a white lie."

We have so many perspectives on the same thing! The most important one is probably the reminder and restraint from our own selves.

For example, recently I have seen a lot of wars, which has aroused a lot of anger in me, seeing innocent people sacrifice their lives.

And at the same time, you'll also remind yourself how to live a better life, help the people around you better, and do what you can!

We all long for peace, but we also have to face up to the external environment.

So, is it moral to be idealistic about your own requirements? Absolutely!

Do you feel aggrieved? Let's find a way to feel better!

Keep asking yourself questions, think more, and seek answers in books! I know you'll find the answer you're looking for!

[Empathy]

A kind and moral person. Last semester, when I heard in class that a classmate I knew had passed away, I was sure I would be very sad. But I also knew that I would be able to celebrate the life of a young person who had lived a full and wonderful one.

I can feel your sadness. And I know tears are the most honest way to show it. At that time, you must have also felt a lot of powerlessness.

Classmates came to comfort you, and you felt a glimmer of hope that someone noticed your sadness. You felt kind and good, and it was totally normal to think this way!

As individuals, we all long to be seen and noticed, and it takes courage to be able to express that honestly—and it's so worth it!

At the same time, it may be reminding you that you also need to care for yourself. Your sadness and grief are real, and so is your desire for attention.

These are not actually contradictory!

Liao Zhi, the incredible girl from the Wenchuan earthquake, has reaped the amazing rewards of love! Despite losing both her legs, she received help from her devoted lover and also reaped the rewards of beauty.

Many people feel that she has lost her legs, but guess what? She still gets love!

But she has so much more going for her than that! She has a healthy mind, great willpower, and an optimistic attitude. And her charisma is off the charts!

That is why, in her husband's eyes, she is absolutely beautiful and perfect!

Their story gave me the feeling that her husband is the most loving, empathetic person who has truly transcended himself to love someone. In fact, she doesn't have to be perfect, but they can work together to create the most perfect life!

We can also be inspired by the stories of others! A person with a sense of morality is definitely better off than someone without.

Your self-exploration and kindness are both amazing qualities! While you want to be understood by others, you also want someone to understand your sadness.

So you've decided to keep his contact information, even though you feel like he's still there. You're respecting your own choice, and I admire you for it!

This experience has probably made you think about the impermanence of life, and it's given you a new outlook on the rest of your life!

At the same time, I feel a little sad, grieving for the young life that has withered.

Isn't it fascinating how we all have different experiences at different stages of life, including our thoughts about life and death?

[About the future]

We've realized that we can't concentrate on our studies right now, but we're excited to get back to them!

What can we do to help ourselves? Let's find out!

If you think about the death of your grandparents, you can also think about the incredible love they gave you!

Write a letter to your grandparents and tell them how much you hope they will always be healthy!

It's also a great idea to see for ourselves and heal many of our emotions, and talk to a counselor!

You can also draw pictures, write, and describe the scene in the classroom when you received the news of your grandmother's death, and then the teacher came back to comfort me, as well as your feelings and emotions at that time.

Everyone expresses sadness and love in different ways, and that's a wonderful thing! For example, I don't like crying in front of other people, and I used to think that I was cold-hearted.

Later, I had the great realization that I like to cry alone. After getting to know myself, I accepted myself, and it was one of the best things I ever did!

Conflicts and confusion are also very characteristic of adolescence — and totally normal!

We can try to describe it, but the most important thing is not to judge yourself!

For example, you might feel like you're not quite normal or that you're really evil.

There's no such thing as absolute good, idealism, normality, or evil in this world — and that's a wonderful thing!

The world is so diverse, and so are our lives! I'm thrilled to recommend a book I love to you:

"Life is Worth Living"!

Each of us is special and unique, with our own incredible meaning and mission in life. Who knows, we might even meet our future selves ten or twenty years from now! They could give us the answer we've been searching for.

Absolutely! It is 100% worth living a good life!

You might even thank yourself for today!

I'm excited to recommend two books that I think you'll love: "The Theory of Personal Formation" and "The Republic."

Hello, my child. I hope my answer helps.

It's normal to grieve. When you're grieving, you want others to see your grief. You don't need to feel guilty or ashamed. Everyone feels the same way.

His death brought up old grief from when your grandparents died. You didn't deal with that grief well. You should work through it. Also, you should stop criticizing and attacking yourself. You need to take care of yourself so you can grow.

My advice is:

1. Understand your sadness and grief, see the function of grief, and accept yourself.

Grief is normal when we lose something or someone we love. It's a way of asking for help.

When we grieve, we can attract the attention and sympathy of others, who will treat us as weak and protect us. Under the protection and care of others, we can gain temporary safety from others' attacks. The comfort and persuasion of others will also teach us things we have not learned before. When we know the taste of grief, we will have compassion and empathy for others' grief, which will make us love others and establish a better emotional connection.

2. Express grief in moderation.

The key is moderation. If we don't control our sadness, it will damage our health. We should do everything in moderation, including grieving.

When you're grieving, sad memories get stronger and happy memories get weaker.

There is sadness and happiness in this world. When we grieve too much, we forget the good memories and focus on the negative. This distracts us from our health.

So, express your grief in moderation, take care of yourself, and you'll have the energy to take care of others.

You can also write to your loved ones who have passed away. Write a letter to your grandparents and express your emotions. You can also use the technique of the empty chair to express yourself. Imagine the person you want to talk to is sitting on a chair, and you can say anything you want to say to them.

3. Take care of yourself.

When we have problems, we often criticize ourselves, isolate ourselves, and think about the problem a lot. This doesn't help us. It makes us feel worse and stops us from learning. You said you're focusing on your faults, which is making it hard for you to learn.

Self-care can help you feel less stressed and more connected to others.

Keep a self-care diary. It's a good way to express emotions and can help your mental and physical health. In the evening, write in your diary about your bad feelings, self-criticism, or painful experiences. Then, look at them with kindness and from the perspective of common humanity. This will help you care for yourself better.

A non-judgmental attitude means accepting your feelings without making them seem better or worse.

Common humanity means writing about things that everyone experiences. When my grandfather died, I had the same reaction and behaved the same way. You are not alone.

Be kind to yourself. Write in a gentle, reassuring tone as if you were writing to your best friend.

For exercises, practices, and self-care principles, see The Power of Self-Care and Mindfulness Self-Care.

For your reference. Best wishes!

Hello, I'm Wang Lingfeng, your listening master. After reading your description, I just want to give you a big hug! You're such a kind and gentle girl who loves your friends and family.

I totally get where you're coming from. I can imagine how sad you must have been when you heard that a classmate you'd spent time with had suddenly passed away. It's so hard to accept the death of someone you've known and loved.

And it's only natural for us all to want to be noticed by others and have our emotions seen. You were feeling sad inside and wanted to be noticed and seen by others, not pretending to be sad in order to get attention. You haven't done anything wrong, so why do you feel guilty?

It's so lovely that you love your grandparents so much! Sometimes you might think that if they pass away, you'll be sad and upset. And when you're feeling sad, you might ask your teachers and classmates to comfort you. This is actually your primitive desire to be noticed and seen. It's not a sin, and it's not wrong!

Dear questioner, You say that you have strong moral standards and always criticize yourself internally, feeling guilty and blaming yourself for some of your thoughts. I can relate! According to Freud's theory, each of us has an id, an ego, and a superego. If the id is overdeveloped, we will do whatever we want, carefree and uninhibited; if the superego is overdeveloped, we will constantly blame ourselves and criticize ourselves. It's so important to find that happy medium between the id and the superego. When we do, we feel more comfortable with ourselves.

I can see that your superego is a bit overdeveloped, which is causing you to criticize and blame yourself a lot.

You can change this state by spending time with your thoughts and being aware that you might be slipping back into the thinking of the superego. Then, accept your original thoughts as a natural expression of your true self.

Hi there! I'm Wang Lingfeng, your listening teacher. I really hope my answer can help you.

I love you, and so does the world!

Good day. I would like to extend my deepest sympathies to you. I can fully empathize with the distress and pain you are experiencing.

Your narrative indicates that you are experiencing a complex psychological state, which includes genuine grief at the death of others and deep self-reflection and questioning of your own emotional responses and motives. This is not uncommon, particularly for individuals with sensitive emotions and high self-expectations, who are more likely to experience complex emotional interweaving and cognitive conflicts.

Firstly, I would like to clarify that your strong emotional reaction when you learned of your classmate's death is a normal and expected response. The physical and psychological symptoms you have exhibited, such as crying, trembling, and being unable to speak, are all common reactions to major loss.

Your grief is not a performance; it is a profound respect for the value of the deceased's life and a profound regret at their departure. Similarly, when we saw the three students in Handan murder their classmates, our initial reaction was anger at the perpetrators. However, we also felt deep sympathy and sadness for Xiaoguang's ordeal. We expressed this grief online as well.

This is not a performance intended to garner attention. It is simply an expression of the compassionate nature inherent to all individuals.

When we experience pain, we typically seek understanding and empathy from others, not for some self-serving purpose, but because of our innate need for connection as social beings. Your friends' reactions and sharing this with them are not intended to create an image, but rather to seek emotional support and empathy.

However, your concerns about the motives behind your actions stem from your highly idealized moral standards. In reality, everyone may experience complex and changeable thoughts and emotions when dealing with emotions. These do not indicate that you are "evil" or abnormal.

Your vision of your grandparents' future is also indicative of concerns about potential future loss of a loved one, as well as a preview of possible social interactions in this situation. It reflects your deep feelings of affection, rather than an intentional use of this imagination to shape your image.

It is important to recognize that everyone's emotional experience is unique and subject to change. It is essential to allow for a range of emotional fluctuations, including the desire to be seen and understood. One can approach these fluctuations by treating oneself with the same understanding and compassion one would extend to a friend.

When we find ourselves caught up in self-criticism, it is helpful to remind ourselves that nobody is perfect and that making mistakes and having shortcomings is part of the learning process. When we feel exhausted, it can be beneficial to release and deal with negative emotions by keeping a diary, drawing, exercising, meditating, etc. This helps us shift our attention from past events and possible future events to the present moment, and focus on learning and living each moment.

Demonstrating your kindness and care through participation in public welfare activities and helping others will result in inner peace and a sense of satisfaction.

In conclusion, I would like to reiterate that you deserve a good life, as everyone does. It is important to remember that our existence is a miracle in itself.

Do not allow a momentary lapse in concentration to result in a denial of your own value and dignity. Address your emotions directly, gain an understanding of them, and seek assistance when necessary. This will enable you to cope with life's challenges in a more constructive manner.

Hello, I'm Zeyu.

From the description, I can tell the questioner is a girl who is emotionally aware and perceptive. Believe in yourself and your ability to live a good life and find solutions.

First, let's understand why we have strong moral standards towards ourselves and criticize ourselves. Our own moral standards are problematic. If we fail to do so, we will feel sad. At some point in our lives, we will have thoughts that are not in line with moral standards. These thoughts are not a sin. If we ask our friends, we may find that many people have such thoughts. If we use thoughts as a criterion for moral standards, then no one in reality can be spared. Therefore, we can try to allow ourselves to hold these thoughts. What is important is not what we think, but our actions.

The second is to attract the attention of others. We all want to be noticed and valued. We do things to get attention and support from others. This process has an impact on us. We can try to find a better way to get this attention and support.

If you're having trouble accepting the death of a classmate, you can talk to your family or teachers. If you need more help, you can also see a counselor.

Finally, we can try to stop thinking about our classmates' deaths. We can use mindfulness meditation to focus on the present. We can think about the good things in life and our goals.

We may feel sad, but there are still good things in our lives and people who care about us.

Dear Question Asker, I would like to extend my deepest sympathies to you in light of the recent tragedy that has befallen you. It is not uncommon for individuals to experience a range of intense emotions, including grief and confusion, when confronted with such a sudden and unexpected loss.

I empathize with your distress at the complexity of your emotions and the self-criticism and internal conflict caused by your strict moral standards. This is not uncommon in the field of psychology.

From a psychological perspective, your situation reflects a deep-seated emotional regulation mechanism and self-identity construction process. When faced with a major loss, people's emotional responses are usually complex and diverse, including direct grief, shock, and nostalgia. Additionally, there may be other needs such as attention and understanding.

It is important to note that we all have a basic need for belonging and recognition in social interactions. Expressing a moderate amount of grief after a setback can be perceived as a social signal, prompting those around us to offer support and care. The thoughts you have expressed, such as "wanting to be noticed" and "shaping one's self-image in the eyes of others through this matter," are not inherently negative. They are part of the human experience and are influenced by social interactions.

However, excessive self-criticism and an overemphasis on the social motives behind these complex emotions can lead to self-defeating and painful experiences. Your adherence to high moral standards may make you more likely to judge yourself harshly when faced with such situations, which may actually prevent you from fully accepting and dealing with your emotional experiences in a healthy way.

To illustrate, consider a colleague who has also experienced a similar situation. While they may have initially had similar feelings, they eventually learned to acknowledge the existence of these feelings rather than rejecting them outright. They recognized that it is human nature to seek connection and empathy in the face of significant loss, and that there is no need to be overly self-critical about it.

She learns to distinguish between genuine emotional reactions and attempts to influence how others perceive her. The former is a genuine mourning process, while the latter can gradually reduce its negative impact through self-awareness and adjustment.

Accordingly, the following steps are recommended to help alleviate self-defeating behavior in your case:

1. Empathic Self-Acceptance:

It is important to allow yourself to experience a range of emotions during this period of grief, including sadness, fear, loneliness, and the desire for comfort. It may be helpful to remind yourself that it is natural to feel these emotions and that you have the right to seek support.

2. Establish reasonable moral standards.

It is important to recognize that no individual can achieve absolute perfection, and that everyone has flaws and complex emotional reactions. It is beneficial to try to relax your moral standards and move towards more forgiving and humane ones.

3. Psychological counseling and support:

It is recommended that you seek the advice of a professional counselor, who can assist you in analyzing and dealing with these emotions in a more constructive manner, as well as teaching you how to establish healthy coping mechanisms.

4. Emotional Regulation Exercises:

It is recommended that you learn and practice meditation, mindfulness, and other emotional management techniques to improve emotional recognition and acceptance, and reduce unhelpful self-criticism.

5. Reconstructing your perception of self-worth:

It is important to understand that your value is not determined solely by the opinions of others. Rather, it is based on your inner qualities, growth, and experiences. You can examine your strengths from multiple perspectives and gradually establish an identity based on your true self and positive aspects.

Your depth of thinking and moral sensitivity are valuable qualities, but in the current situation, they need to be directed towards a more constructive and self-caring direction.

It is important to remember that everyone experiences challenges in life and that these experiences offer opportunities for personal growth. You have the right to a good life and the capacity to overcome the current situation and embrace a more complete and peaceful self.

Good morning, my name is Yang Yiqing, and I am a psychological counselor at Yixin.

I comprehend the distress and emotions you are currently experiencing. The inner world you describe is an emotionally profound and complex place.

The aforementioned experiences and feelings reflect a profound level of introspection and emotional complexity. The high standards and rigorous self-expectations, coupled with the grief and emotional turbulence, are authentic and significant experiences. These experiences and feelings reflect a deep engagement with one's own thoughts and the external world.

Let us investigate the underlying significance of these emotions and identify potential avenues for resolution.

1. Idealization of Self-Expectations

You have indicated that you adhere to high moral standards and are unable to accept a self that deviates from these standards. This situation may be the result of an internalized pursuit of perfection and an expectation that only by meeting these standards can one be deemed worthy.

It is important to remember, however, that we are all imperfect human beings. Accepting our own imperfections and understanding the complexity of human nature is an essential aspect of our personal growth.

The conflict between grief and the need for attention

It is a typical emotional response to experience sadness in the wake of a classmate's passing. Concurrently, the desire for external attention emerges as a thought.

Individuals respond variably to bereavement, and there is no objective standard for appropriate or inappropriate behavior. This is not anomalous.

In periods of grief and loss, individuals frequently seek the attention and sympathy of others. This is a means of humans seeking connection and support. Concurrently, it may be a profound longing in one's heart for understanding and comfort.

It is understandable to experience feelings of guilt in this context, but it is important to recognise that such feelings are not uncommon and do not indicate that one's emotions are unreal or that one is a bad person.

3. Complex Emotional Experiences

The care you mentioned for your grandparents and the visualization of sad situations demonstrate the intricacy of your emotional landscape. To some extent, this visualization may serve as a rehearsal for potential future emotional experiences and a means of self-preservation.

Nevertheless, this rehearsal may occasionally engender feelings of guilt, as it appears to shift focus from genuine grief to the construction of a personal image. It is important to recognise that our thoughts and emotions are intricate and often more complex than they initially appear.

4. Self-care and Acceptance

The internal struggles and confusion you experience are the result of profound experiences and reflections on life. It is recommended that you allow yourself a period of time and space to accept and understand these feelings.

The process of learning to care for oneself and understand one's own needs and emotions is an essential aspect of self-growth. It is crucial to recognize that humans are complex beings, and that our emotions and behaviors are frequently not singular or entirely aligned with our ideals.

The initial step in achieving inner reconciliation is to learn to accept one's imperfections.

4. Recommended Reading

1) "The Perfectionist's Dilemma": This book addresses the challenge of accepting imperfections and developing the strength to embrace one's true self.

2) Emotional Courage: This book offers practical guidance on how to cope with complex emotions and challenging self-critical thinking.

3) "The Magic of Organizing Your Life: A Heart-Pounding Guide." This book provides insight into the organization of complex emotional experiences, facilitating the attainment of inner tidiness and peace.

It is important to recognise that one's inner world is a rich and valuable aspect of one's identity. All emotions, including sadness, guilt and self-doubt, can be seen as part of the process of personal growth.

I am a listening therapist, Yang Yiqing. Life presents a series of challenges, and each step should be celebrated. It is my hope that we can move forward together.

Please do not hesitate to contact me should you require further assistance.

From what you've told me and how you're feeling, I can see you're feeling pretty helpless right now. I'm not sure how to better understand and adjust myself, and I'm also not sure how to view myself as good or bad.

First of all, it's natural to feel sad when we lose classmates or family members. These emotions are real, and our sadness, tears, and crying are genuine emotional expressions. There's no need to question whether we truly feel sad.

Second, it's also normal and reasonable to want to express our sadness, let others feel our sadness, and gain the recognition of others that we are kind people.

Everyone in this society wants to be recognized by others and to be seen as a positive person with high moral character. At the same time, they want others to see and evaluate them in this way.

Ultimately, we were just expressing our emotions and trying to get the attention of others, whether family members, teachers, or classmates. We all want to be comforted and feel cared for, and this emotion is also normal. Most people want to have it too.

Everyone wants to love and be loved, to care and be cared for. It's a normal state of mind to want to obtain these things.

Overall, the emotions and actions we experienced in these three states were normal and reasonable. There's no need to feel like we didn't do well or did something wrong.

There's a kind of contradiction in how we feel. For instance, we might feel sad that a classmate has passed away, but we don't feel extremely sad, or we don't think the emotions we show are the same as the feelings we have inside. We feel like we're not being true to ourselves, like we're putting on a show to get attention. But this is just part of the contradictory nature of humans.

We all feel a sense of loss when a classmate passes away. When I was young, at the age of fifteen or sixteen, my primary school and junior high school classmates also died in accidents. At the time, I really felt sad because we had been together for nine years, and even if we were just ordinary classmates, I still felt very sad. It was the first time in my life that I felt the emotion of loss, but when I came back to my senses and thought about it, I realized that we hadn't actually been particularly close. It seemed that my sadness was a bit fake.

The sadness was real, as was the lack of intimacy. But these sad emotions are interrelated and can be amplified under special circumstances.

For instance, even though we might not be close with all of our classmates, we still have a connection with them. When we lose someone, we'll remember all the moments we shared with them, which will deepen our emotional bond and intensify our sadness because we've truly and genuinely lost them and will lose them forever. Then our feelings of sadness, even the feeling of being in a daze or disbelief, are all real because accidents are unpredictable and unexpected. Then the added factor of age and this issue with our peers will make us feel even more uncertain about how to face this matter or deal with it.

This state of uncertainty and inexperience can lead to a conflict between the release of our emotions deep within ourselves and the conclusions we have reached after careful consideration.

This conflict isn't unique to our age group. It's something people of all ages face when faced with unexpected situations.

We have to believe in our true feelings and also in what we want to achieve.

For instance, when I talk about my late classmate, I'm genuinely sad, grieving, and longing for him.

I also hope this can help you see that what you're going through is normal and understandable.

Include a sincere admission and a clear reference to the issue at hand.

They're a mix of genuine emotion and purposeful expression. These two things can seem contradictory, but they're not meant to be taken negatively.

The first part of the emotion is genuine. It's about how we treat our classmates and other important people in our lives.

The latter is from the heart and is about sharing some of those feelings with the people around you.

It's important to remember that these two points aren't meant to be used for evil or with bad intentions. These conflicts are normal and can exist and be used.

When we miss someone we've lost, we can let our emotions out however we need to, whether that's confiding in someone or crying.

If we want to understand what someone else is feeling, we can also express our own feelings and needs.

If the two emotions are related, we can express ourselves and move forward at the same time.

If we can't find relief from our emotions by sorting through them ourselves or sharing them with family, friends, or teachers, we can get help from professionals.

For instance, the mental health teacher can also turn to parents and find professional psychological counselors outside of school to help with emotional relief and cognitive sorting.

It is hoped that through self-awareness or with the help of a professional, you can gain a better understanding of yourself.

I want to give you a warm hug. I thought of myself when I read your description.

After my most important person passed away, I cried and my friends comforted me. I felt noticed and valued, but also guilty and ashamed.

[It's hard to face loss and feel too sad about it.]

When someone dies, we are sad. Many people cry.

Sadness and vulnerability attract attention and care. We all want to help the weak.

It's okay to need comfort and warmth in pain and loss.

[Speaking about pain is a way to heal]

You feel inappropriate because you've shared your sadness with many people. Your mind says this is wrong, but you've shared your sadness with people and told them about it. This was the right choice.

It's hard to be sad when you're the only one who knows. But it's easier to get through it when you share your sadness with someone.

Don't be too hard on yourself.

You've been so sad lately. You've been trying to save yourself from this pain.

Your morality is holding you back. It's as if it's telling you not to be like this.

Take care of yourself, dear.

An event's impact is never one-dimensional. Even if you need a certain image while feeling sad, so what?

Accept your need. All ideas have a reason for existing.

If it exists, let it exist. If you don't allow it, you'll be hurt.

Hello.

You are an 18-year-old girl. At 18, you are starting to understand yourself better.

You are mature. You see your true emotions.

You can also look at yourself from another point of view.

You feel that when you look at yourself from an external perspective, you don't seem kind enough. You worry that you will seem to others to be someone pretending to be kind.

You feel there's a big gap between your kindness standards and your actions, and you feel guilty.

When we were young, we all looked at ourselves from our own direction.

You can look at yourself from the outside and think about yourself. This is mature.

You can look at yourself from different angles.

Freud said there are three parts to the mind: the id, ego, and superego.

The id is based on instincts and follows the pleasure principle. The ego is the balance between the id and the superego, reconciling instincts with high moral standards and reality.

The superego is the ideal self, which follows high moral standards.

When you heard your classmate had died, you were sad and cried. When you thought about your grandparents growing old and facing death, you cried. This was a natural expression of your kind nature.

You don't change your feelings or behavior. But when your classmates come to comfort you, you start seeing things from an outside perspective.

That critical eye might be like someone looking at you and making negative comments. Then you use that person's method, which is like sifting through a sieve, evaluating good and bad, and giving you negative comments.

The superego demands too much of itself.

The id is our basic instincts. The superego uses high standards to judge and suppress these instincts.

The superego disciplines and evaluates the id. The conflict between the superego and the id creates inner conflict.

The ego is important for human development. It helps us relate to the outside world.

The ego makes sure the id and superego are in line with reality. This brings unity and balance.

The id and superego of each of us are constantly in conflict. This causes an internal attack on oneself.

This is internal conflict. We all have it.

We need to build a strong self, explore ourselves, and understand the conflicting relationship between the id and the superego. This allows us to understand our inner world and accept ourselves.

Accept your instincts and your moral standards. Let your inner self regulate your behavior to reduce conflict. Use your maturity to balance your inner and outer worlds.

Love the world and yourself.

Hello, questioner!

You're 18 years old, just like a flower. You're in the prime of youth, beautiful and full of vitality. You're still in the student union at school, which shows that your abilities are also great. You're still troubled, which shows that youth is just confusion and panic, and you have to experience pain. But this kind of painful entanglement can really make people very crazy. Hugs!

I can see that you said that the death of a classmate in the student union has caused you deep pain. I'm so sorry to hear that. The sudden death of such a young life will make anyone feel sad, even if they have never met the person. It is even more normal for you to feel grief for a classmate you have worked with together. I don't think there is any such thing as too much grief. Everyone grieves in their own way, and that's okay.

After reading your whole story, I can see that your heart is very kind and benevolent, which is why your grief is so deep. We humans actually have a protective response for our own health. After I felt bad for a while, I would feel a bit uncomfortable and a bit ashamed of myself for putting on an appearance in front of others, and I would blame myself. I think this is subconsciously you protecting yourself. Just imagine, if you just wallow in your pain, life would really be unbearable. Who could stand it?

I can relate to that feeling of dread you get when you think about your grandparents dying. I went through something similar when my mom was seriously ill a few years ago. It's a heart-wrenching experience, and it's natural to feel that way. I still can't believe she's gone, even though it's been almost three years. It's a bittersweet reminder that time heals, but it's still a bittersweet reminder. It's okay to feel that way. It's okay to grieve. It's okay to seek comfort from others. We all need that. We all have those thoughts, even if we don't want to admit it. It's like what you said about the student union member you mentioned earlier. When someone close to us dies, it's natural to feel that way. It's a way of protecting ourselves.

So, in the future, we'll just let things happen naturally. We'll let any thoughts that come up, because there's a reason for them. We'll fully allow ourselves to understand and accept them. You'll have these thoughts, and so will many other people. It's because we all have these thoughts that we humans have been able to evolve to where we are now.

Of course, to evolve, you also need to master a certain degree. If we go to the other extreme, that is, excessive self-blame, and do not stop it in time when we first have the thought of self-blame, it will be detrimental to our health. So, it's just right that you are asking questions now, and you can seize the opportunity!

In the future, you'll see that this is all normal and natural. Don't deny yourself, don't blame yourself, and don't feel ashamed. Live your life with confidence! I believe that you, who are good at coming here to ask questions, will definitely grow rapidly through these things.

Enjoy your youth and believe that your studies will help you live a better life. You're doing great! The world and I love you!

This little friend is here to help you!

Hello there!

We all have a system of value judgments that runs deep inside us. It's shaped by lots of different things, like how we were brought up, our cultural background, our education and our personal experiences.

It affects the way we see things, how we act, and how others see us.

For you, being sensible and emotional may be two of the most important qualities you possess. You may think that a sensible person is mature, reliable, and trustworthy, while an emotional person is warm, kind, and empathetic.

These qualities not only match up with what most of us think a "good person" is like, but they're also closely linked to how you see yourself. So, in your everyday interactions, you might unconsciously show these qualities to get the thumbs-up and appreciation from others.

The wonderful psychologist Erik Erikson believed that we all seek to establish a sense of self during our development. This sense of identity comes from the approval and feedback of others.

This can lead people to try to control how others see them, so that their perceptions match up with their self-image.

This need for approval is something we all have as humans. We are social animals, and we depend on relationships with others to meet our emotional and social needs.

It's only natural that we all want to be liked and approved of by others. After all, it gives us a boost to our self-esteem and sense of self-worth. It also makes us feel safe and supported. So, we often unconsciously try to win the favour and support of others by displaying qualities we perceive as positive.

It's so easy to forget that our emotions can be really complex. When someone close to us dies, it's totally normal to feel lots of different things at once, like grief, loss, anger, guilt, and relief.

It's totally normal for these emotions to change over time, or for them to come up again when we experience different life events.

It's totally normal to feel conflicted and confused when we have complex emotions towards a deceased friend. We often feel like we have to show pure grief and nostalgia in mourning, but it's okay to have other emotions towards the deceased too.

It's totally normal to feel all these conflicting emotions and have to deal with social expectations. We all do! To cope with these internal conflicts and social expectations, we may adopt defense mechanisms such as idealizing the deceased, which can be used to defend against negative emotions such as anger and disgust.

By putting on a front that we understand and are emotionally responsive, we can gain sympathy and support from others. This helps us to keep up with our social lives and relationships while we're grieving.

It's a way of protecting ourselves from feelings we can't handle and helps us feel better inside.

It's important to remember that suppressing our emotions for too long can have a negative impact on our mental health. The good news is that there are plenty of ways we can process and express our complex emotions in a healthy way.

You might find it helpful to share your feelings with a close friend or family member, or you could think about seeking professional psychological counseling. You could also try expressing your emotions through art, writing, or another creative outlet.

This is a great way to gradually understand and accept our complex emotions towards the deceased. We can also learn to accommodate a variety of emotions such as sadness, anger, and dissatisfaction in mourning. Self-exploration and emotional expression not only helps us recover emotionally and heal psychologically, but also helps us face our inner world more authentically and establish healthier and more mature relationships.

Wishing you all the best!

Good morning, Please accept my warmest regards.

I am disheartened to read your description. It is unfortunate that you have to bear such a heavy psychological burden at an age when you should be thriving. I also have a daughter. As a parent, I am grateful to be able to see your problem here, so that I know the confusion and challenges that children may face during their growth stage. It also serves as a reminder for me to pay more attention to my close interactions with her.

I appreciate your perspective. You have set high standards for yourself, which demonstrates a commitment to justice and kindness. However, you experience remorse and guilt when you feel you have fallen short of those standards, which is a common and understandable reaction.

These thoughts and feelings may be indicative of a search for recognition and attention from others, which is not inherently problematic. It is a basic human need to be understood and paid attention to by others.

It is important to recognize, however, that this need should not impede the expression of your true emotions.

It is possible that you are not fully aware of your own inner needs, or that you are overly concerned with shaping your image. This may cause you to unconsciously try to project a certain image when faced with sad events.

It would be beneficial to focus on your inner feelings rather than being overly concerned with the opinions of others. It is important to accept your emotions, including those thoughts that may seem unusual or contradictory.

Additionally, it is essential to learn to identify your true feelings and needs while remaining independent of external expectations.

It is important to note that everyone has their own emotions and ways of thinking. These do not indicate that you are evil. In fact, you can consciously sort through these emotions and feelings to better understand yourself. This process can help you communicate more authentically with others and build healthier relationships. Essentially, you are already on the path to self-awareness and self-breakthrough.

Should you feel these questions are causing you undue distress, you may wish to consider discussing them with your parents or a trusted relative, who may be able to offer you guidance and a different perspective.

Furthermore, your description indicates that you possess keen emotional insight. Emotional sensitivity has both positive and negative aspects. It is possible to experience an excessive emotional drain, which requires us to reasonably perceive our emotions and manage them. With time, you will be able to self-regulate more effectively.

Additionally, you may find it beneficial to consider the following questions, which can assist in identifying whether you are experiencing emotional depletion:

1. Self-Reflection:

Do you frequently experience feelings of conflict or self-doubt?

Do I experience unease or uncertainty regarding my decisions and choices?

Do you frequently experience feelings of regret or self-blame regarding past events?

2. Emotional response:

- Do I have a tendency to be influenced by the opinions of others?

Do you frequently experience feelings of anxiety or tension due to concerns about how others may perceive you?

- Do I find myself confused or unable to control my emotional responses?

3. Personal expectations:

- Do I set ambitious goals and hold myself to high standards?

- Do I consistently strive for perfection and evaluate my performance with undue harshness in the event of an error?

In responding to these inquiries, it is important to be as candid as possible and to consider your own circumstances. It should be noted, however, that emotional sensitivity is a relative concept, and individuals experience and express emotions in different ways.

If you have concerns about your emotional sensitivity or believe it has a notable impact on your life, you can enhance your resilience by developing emotional management skills and fostering a robust ability to adapt mentally.

The following books provide an in-depth understanding of highly sensitive personalities and coping strategies that can assist you in better understanding and managing your emotions, improving your emotional intelligence, and enhancing your quality of life.

"High Sensitivity is a Gift" by Ilse Sand, Chinese translation published by Beijing United Publishing Company. This book provides an in-depth understanding of highly sensitive personalities and coping strategies that can be leveraged to achieve personal growth and happiness.

"Unruffled" by Judith Orloff, Chinese translation published by CITIC Press Group. This book examines how highly sensitive individuals can maintain emotional and energy balance, and cope with overstimulation and emotional fatigue.

"Born to be Sensitive" by Elaine Aron, translated into Chinese by Huaxia Publishing House. This book provides an in-depth analysis of the characteristics and needs of highly sensitive individuals, offering insights on how to foster positive relationships with them.

The Power of Highly Sensitive People: by Katrin Zörss, published in Chinese by Sichuan People's Publishing House. As a highly sensitive person, the author draws on her personal experience to provide a wealth of examples on topics such as the senses, health, work, family, and entertainment. She encourages highly sensitive people to challenge conventional standards, take risks, and embrace their unique qualities to enhance their personal and professional growth.

In short, you are now in a position where you have the potential to achieve great things in the future. By understanding and knowing yourself better, you will be able to leverage your strengths more effectively. The future is undoubtedly an optimistic one.

2. The underlying causes of chronic emotional exhaustion

The formation of emotional depletion may be related to family and parent relationships, but it is also affected by many other factors, such as:

A tense, repressive, or unstable family atmosphere, as well as long-term excessive or unreasonable parental expectations, may result in stress and conflict between meeting other people's expectations and pursuing one's own genuine needs.

A lack of emotional support and understanding in the family unit can result in feelings of loneliness and helplessness, which in turn may lead to emotional depletion.

It is important to note that parental emotional expression can have a negative impact on our emotional management. Additionally, the lack of effective communication methods or conflicts in the family can lead to difficulties in dealing with emotions.

Furthermore, parental overprotection or control of their children's lives may also impede their ability to develop independence and self-decision-making, which in turn increases the likelihood of emotional depletion.

It should be noted that personal character, life experience, social environment, and other factors also have an impact on emotional depletion. It is important to recognise that each individual's situation is unique, and that multiple factors may interact.

It would be beneficial to consider the potential reasons for your susceptibility and emotional depletion.

It is also important to recognize your emotional state and take positive measures to manage and regulate your emotions. If family or parental factors are the cause, it is not your parents' responsibility to change, but rather to accept their perceptions and limitations. You can then work to learn emotional management skills, prioritize self-care, and gradually change unhealthy thinking and behavior patterns through self-reflection and growth. This will help you improve your inner resilience and emotional stability.

I encourage you to continue developing your self-awareness and self-growth. Doing so will lead to positive outcomes.

I hope you have found my input to be both inspiring and helpful.

Hello, I'm Qiuqiu. I'm honored to answer your question.

I'm sad and moved by your question.

You're sad because your classmates are leaving and you think your grandparents will leave. Your sadness shows your kindness and sincerity.

You have high moral standards that cause conflict and guilt. Is it wrong to want to impress others and be liked?

These two emotions make you judge yourself, which affects your studies and life. What should you do? I'd like to share some thoughts with you.

In your situation, the most important thing is to

Separate the two things: sadness and wanting to be remembered. Then, look at what lies behind them.

It's natural to feel sad when a classmate leaves or think about your grandparents dying.

We all feel grief and fear when faced with separation and death. It's better to face these emotions head-on, rather than letting them consume us.

We can't control or change when someone leaves us. We can only accept it. But we can say goodbye in our own way.

For example, your classmate has left. You can cry for him, write about him, or say goodbye.

If someone remembers you, you haven't really left.

Most of all, enjoy every day you can be together. Don't leave any regrets, and love fully when you can.

You want to look good to others. This is human.

But we can ask: Why do I need more people to like me?

When we ask why and look beyond ourselves, we see that we do many things to prove we are loved and worthy of love.

When we see our needs and desires, we can ask ourselves: How can I make more people like me?

You will discover many ways to be loved. You don't need to feel guilty or consume yourself to get it.

There's nothing wrong with sadness or longing. Just separate them and see they're different. You'll feel refreshed and at ease.

I hope this helps. Be well.

Hello, I'm Xiaoxie, a listening therapist. I hope you don't mind, but I'd love to give you a hug.

From your description, I can sense that you are a kind-hearted girl who values relationships. It is clear that you are grieving the loss of your classmate. You are more sensitive than others, and while you express your emotions naturally, there is always a moral standard influencing you. It seems that you especially want others to see that you are doing the right thing and doing well, so you will take the initiative to post updates on your friends' walls to let others know, and when others are around you, you will also want to behave better.

Freud's theory of personality structure suggests that your superego is particularly strong, with moral standards playing a significant role in your decision-making. While you have demonstrated kindness and have done a commendable job, it's understandable that you also care about how others perceive you and hope that your kindness will be acknowledged and appreciated.

It's possible that you may feel tired in life. It seems that your will is always controlled by some kind of force, but you may find it challenging to be yourself freely. Perhaps in the past, you have faced demands, criticism, and accusations from your parents or others, which may have hindered your ability to develop your self-function fully. It's understandable that you may have sought to meet other people's demands and expectations to gain a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment.

So how might one move beyond this kind of self-defeating moralistic thinking? Perhaps a helpful approach would be to learn to accept yourself, including your strengths and weaknesses. After all, no one is perfect, and everyone makes mistakes. It might also be beneficial to value and listen to your own feelings, rather than the opinions of others. Your feelings may be more important than external evaluations, and authenticity may be more important than perfection. Affirming and praising yourself could also be helpful. You might consider thinking of three things you feel you have done well each day, and writing them down. Finally, it could be beneficial to believe that the world is made more colorful because no two leaves are the same. Every creature and every person has its own beauty and its own value and meaning of existence. You are the same. It might be helpful to remember that you are already very good, and that you don't need others to define whether you are good or not.

I hope the above answers can be of some help to you. If you feel you need more support, you can always talk more or seek advice to better understand and change yourself.

I hope the world and I can show you some love! Wishing you the best!

Good day, my name is Beric.

Your strong moral standards are commendable, as they indicate your sensitivity and respect for ethical principles. However, if these standards result in excessive self-criticism and internalization, they may have a detrimental impact on your mental health and emotional well-being.

In psychology, excessive self-criticism is often associated with low self-esteem and a lack of self-acceptance. When individuals completely link their self-worth to whether or not they meet a certain moral standard, they are prone to engaging in a cycle of self-negation and depletion.

This mentality not only impedes our capacity to accept and forgive our mistakes, but also hinders our ability to genuinely appreciate and acknowledge our own strengths and achievements.

To mitigate the adverse effects of this self-defeating behavior, the following methods may be employed:

Firstly, it is necessary to re-evaluate and adjust one's moral standards. Moral standards should be flexible and adaptable, rather than rigid and absolute.

It is imperative to learn to accept and tolerate shortcomings and mistakes in specific situations while maintaining adherence to a fundamental moral standard.

Secondly, it is imperative to cultivate a more tolerant and understanding approach to self-talk. When an error is made or immoral conduct occurs, it is crucial to treat oneself with greater understanding and acceptance, as opposed to merely criticizing and rejecting.

One might attempt to reassure oneself with the observation that a misstep does not necessarily signify moral turpitude. It is possible to posit that such an incident can be utilized as an opportunity for growth and improvement.

"

Furthermore, external support can be sought to mitigate self-defeating behaviors. Disclosing one's concerns and emotions to friends, family, or professional counselors can facilitate the acquisition of novel perspectives and insights, thereby enhancing one's capacity to cope with self-criticism and internal depletion.

Ultimately, it is essential to cultivate an awareness of one's strengths and accomplishments, while simultaneously nurturing a positive self-image and sense of self-worth. When an individual is able to genuinely acknowledge and value their own worth, it becomes easier to accept and move beyond mistakes, thereby reducing the burden of self-defeating behaviors.

I wish you the best of success.

It has been observed that you have a tendency to adhere to standards, which often results in feelings of guilt, self-criticism, and excessive self-criticism. The death of a former classmate triggered a strong urge to cry, which you then reflected on, leading to feelings of self-condemnation. You even associated this experience with the death of your grandparents, analyzing your emotional response as if to attract attention and project a positive moral image. This led to doubts about your own sanity, suspicions of your own immorality, and an assessment of your suitability for a good life. You were also dissatisfied with your inner turmoil.

It is evident that there is a prevailing sense of internal conflict and entanglement, accompanied by a pervasive sense of dissatisfaction with this state of affairs. These feelings are largely the result of a complex web of thoughts, thoughts about thoughts. This phenomenon raises the question of whether there is a potential for compulsive thinking.

It is my assessment that these thoughts are typical and should be regarded as such. The most prudent course of action would be to gradually eliminate the excessive judgments and nitpicking.

My specific approach to thinking and acting is to love myself and allow myself to experience all my feelings and thoughts. I allow myself to maintain positive feelings as much as possible and to accept negative feelings. I allow all thoughts to arise without resisting them. I also pay attention to adjusting and controlling my actions, which I do through my actions.

Other basic techniques may be employed to facilitate relaxation, such as meditation and deep breathing. Affirmations may be utilized to reinforce positive self-beliefs, while physical exercise can enhance overall fitness. It is hoped that these methods will prove beneficial.

Hello! I just had to get in touch because I'm really interested in chatting with you about this topic after reading your description. When we were teenagers, we all paid particular attention to the stares of others, didn't we? I remember an interesting incident during the Spring Festival.

I took my son to the beach in Xiamen. I hired a photographer to take pictures of the two of us. After a few shots, my son stopped smiling naturally, but he was still considerate and insisted on taking the pictures until the end. He was so sweet about it!

When I asked him what was wrong, he stammered and said, "It's embarrassing. So many people are watching us pose. We won't take any more photos." I laughed because actually, everyone around us was enjoying their holiday. Not many people were really paying attention to us. But adolescents tend to feel that every move they make is under the scrutiny of others, and this kind of "narcissism" is common at this age—and totally normal!

I can sense that you are an emotional and sentimental girl who can experience very delicate emotions. Because you are very sensitive and kind, you can sympathize with other people's suffering. This is a very beautiful part of your character! Don't question yourself, it's wonderful!

Human character traits are relatively stable, which is great news! How you respond and handle things when you encounter them all show what kind of person you are. No matter what others think or say about you, it cannot cover up your original intentions and motives. As the saying goes, time reveals a person's heart, which is a wonderful thing!

You sometimes doubt your performance and feel that you are putting on a show for others. But in my opinion, this may be a way of seeking attention and importance, or you care too much about other people's opinions. Either way, you're doing great!

I'm excited to explore why we are so self-critical with you! I hope you'll take the time to explore it further. Best wishes!

Hello, question asker! I can see the confusion you are facing now, and I'm here to help!

Your deceased classmates remind you of your deceased grandparents, which can be a bittersweet reminder of your loved ones who have passed. It's a poignant moment, but it's also an opportunity to celebrate their lives and the impact they had on you.

Let me tell you about my experience!

Just over eight years ago, after my mother passed away, I had the incredible opportunity to live in Hong Kong for half a year!

Then one day, I saw an ambulance downstairs in our apartment building. I was so excited! I cried a little, but it was just because I was so happy to see it.

Later, I had an amazing realization! I realized that I was associating it with the ambulance ride my mother took when she was transferred to the hospital the morning she died.

I'm so excited to hear if you were able to attend your grandparents' funeral when they passed away!

If you don't, you've got to have a farewell ceremony with them! It'll be the best way to say goodbye and move on.

The great news is that you can write them an official farewell letter, with no restrictions on the number of words or length!

When you write it, don't worry about the content or whether your handwriting is neat. Just let your thoughts flow!

You can also use the amazing "empty chair technique"!

I'm so excited to tell you all about the amazing "empty chair technique"! All you have to do is sit in a chair and imagine that your grandparents are sitting in an empty chair next to you. Then, say everything you want to say to them, including that you are very sad about their passing. Just let it all out!

If you don't know how to use the "empty chair technique" mentioned above, I highly recommend seeking professional psychological counseling. It's a great way to get the help you need!

When you notice that you are feeling sad, you can stop right there! Accept that you have these emotions and don't rush to criticize or blame yourself. Then see what these emotions are trying to tell you.

I truly believe that every emotion, including the sadness you're feeling right now, has its own special meaning.

If you're still feeling confused, I highly recommend seeking the guidance of a professional counselor.

A counselor is a professional who can help you!

I'm sure the problem you're facing will be resolved soon!

I can think of these now!

I really hope my answers above will be super helpful and inspiring to you! I'm the answerer who studies hard every day, so I'm happy to help!

Here at Yixinli, the world and I love you! Take care!

Yippee!