I suddenly feel that everyone around me has a limited kindness towards me, and why is that?

Hello, question asker.

From your question, I sense that you may be facing some challenges in your relationships. It seems that the relationships you've mentioned (your relationship with your parents, your spousal relationship, your parent-child relationship, and your relationship with your mother-in-law) may be experiencing some difficulties. These challenges could be indicating that there's room for improvement in these relationships. We all live in relationships, and if these relationships are presenting some difficulties, it could be a sign that there's something we can learn from them. Let's take a closer look to understand what might be going on.

Perhaps we can gain some insight from this. It seems to me that this is what these experiences are trying to teach us.

From the title, it seems that the questioner is a capable woman who is able to earn the family's money, do the housework, and solve problems.

As the saying goes, "the more you do, the more mistakes you make." In many cases, people tend to place more demands and expectations on the more capable party, thinking that you can do anything well and excel at everything. However, it's important to recognize that everyone has their own limitations. If you try to satisfy everyone and make everyone happy, you may end up feeling overwhelmed and unable to meet everyone's needs. This can lead to feeling like you're not doing a good job at anything, which can in turn lead to frustration and disappointment.

It might be helpful to consider prioritizing and establishing a hierarchy of relationships to ensure you have the energy to maintain them all. For instance, your current family—the nuclear family (including you, your husband, and your children)—is arguably the most significant of all family relationships.

It would be beneficial to consider that your original family and his original family may need to make way for your nuclear family.

The mother-in-law-daughter-in-law relationship has historically presented a significant challenge for many women. When the relationship with the mother-in-law becomes strained, it can often lead to difficulties in the relationship with her husband.

In Zhang Defen's book "Be Willing to Let the One You Love Suffer," there is a description of the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. It suggests that the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is there to teach us to do our homework. Perhaps it would be helpful to consider why it is so important to handle the relationship with your mother-in-law.

It may be helpful to consider why it is important to try to gain the approval of your mother-in-law. If you are happy and content with yourself, it is likely that this will have a positive effect on your relationship with your husband and mother-in-law. They may see you in a different light and interact with you in a different way. This could create more space for you to accept them, which may in turn lead to a natural improvement in the relationship.

All relationships in the world are, in essence, between you and yourself. A philosopher once observed that while resolving conflicts often requires input from both parties, it is often the case that one person can make all the difference.

If I might humbly offer a suggestion, I believe that the most important thing is to focus on self-improvement. When we do so, our communication skills will naturally become stronger.

I would like to suggest that the questioner consider reading the books "Nonviolent Communication" and "The Art of Loving People Suffering." They may prove helpful to the questioner in the future. Best wishes,

Hello!

Embrace your grievances, worries, and anger!

I have contributed a great deal to the family, both financially and with housework. However, I am not always treated with kindness or understanding by other family members. Disputes and conflicts can make you feel targeted and sad, disappointed, and angry. They are your loved ones, and you cannot change them. This can lead to thoughts of leaving home and leaving them. I understand your feelings. I hug you and hope to give you warmth! I also give the following views and suggestions, hoping to give you inspiration. Please forgive me if I say the wrong things.

Give appropriately and set appropriate boundaries.

Let's be realistic. No one can be infinitely good to another person. When we're babies, we think the world is one big, happy family and that we can get anything we want. But we grow up and realize this isn't true.

There is a limit to the good between family members, and even family members have boundaries. Accept this, and give within the limits you are willing and able to bear. You will feel less resentful.

Lower your expectations of others.

You say you feel disappointed in your family relationships, that other family members are not as good to you as you would like. Let me be clear: the root cause of our disappointment in others is often our own internal expectations of others being too high. It is difficult for people to change themselves. Therefore, adjusting your internal expectations is the best way to reduce this kind of disappointment.

You must learn to express and communicate.

If family members do not manage their emotions and communicate effectively, it is inevitable that they will have conflicts and arguments. Many people feel that their family members are kind to others but harsh with them. This is why some people say that family can hurt people.

This is often due to the fact that family members are too close to each other, which eliminates the sense of boundaries and communication is not done in a considerate manner.

Family members must pay attention to communication to reduce these kinds of conflicts and facilitate the flow of emotions between family members.

Learn to express your inner thoughts. If you feel you are shouldering too much responsibility, tell your family how you feel and propose that everyone share the workload.

It is crucial to manage emotions when communicating with family members. Avoid communicating with negative emotions, including venting, complaining, accusing, or sarcastic remarks. Wait until you have calmed down before communicating so that you can convey useful information and make the communication effective.

Reflect on yourself and be tolerant.

Everyone has areas where they are not good enough, including ourselves. We must accept that in the process of getting along with others, how others treat us is largely shaped by ourselves. To change the attitude and approach of others towards us, we can and will make a breakthrough by adjusting our own attitude and approach towards others.

Family members live under the same roof every day, and there will always be some trivial things that cause friction. Don't sweat the small stuff. Let it go. Be tolerant.

For example, if your mother doesn't cook your favorite dish when you come home from a business trip, it's really not a big deal and you shouldn't take it personally. She doesn't cook it because she's thinking of your husband, which is also a way of doing you a favor.

From a communication perspective, you should have told your mother at the time that you really liked the dish and hoped that she could cook it for you and let your husband eat something else. When you learn to express your inner thoughts, you will no longer feel aggrieved and angry inside.

Smooth out family relationships and resolve major conflicts.

In a family, there are core relationships and derivative relationships. For you, your core family relationship is your relationship with your husband. When you feel that there are family conflicts and a thousand things to deal with, you must grasp the core relationship. This means communicating well with your husband, handling the relationship between the two of you, and gaining your husband's understanding and support. This will be very helpful for you to deal with the relationships with other family members.

I am confident that Hongyu's reply will be helpful to you. Thank you for your question!

Hello!

Host:

I'm Zeng Chen, a heart coach. I read the post and I understand your problems.

The host has also been brave in sharing his feelings and seeking help. This will help him understand you and your family better, so that changes can be made.

I will also share my thoughts in the post, which may help you see things differently.

1. Deal with your emotions first.

The host said I feel unhappy living with them. They haven't been kind to me. When things come up, I'm the one who suffers. I feel disappointed and want to leave. I understand these thoughts.

If I were you, I would have the same thoughts and couldn't hold on much longer. Let's look at what we can do for ourselves.

Our hearts are in turmoil, we are tired, and emotions are blocking us. It is really hard.

Let's focus on ourselves for now.

Pay attention to your emotions. You need to be understood and cared for. Deal with your emotions first. When they are seen, understood, and accepted, your emotions will ease. Then your rational thinking will function better.

When we face these problems again, we may have more ideas and thoughts, and we will feel calmer.

How do we deal with our emotions? I don't know how you dealt with stress in the past. If it worked, try it.

Write down your feelings, thoughts, etc. This helps you express and listen to your emotions and relieve them.

2. How others treat us reflects our character.

There's a saying in psychology: how we're treated is probably how we've taught others. How do we understand this?

If we don't express our feelings when we feel pressured, others may think they can do the same to us. Expressing feelings is different from expressing aggression.

If we express our anger, the other person may feel threatened and turn on their defense system. They may enter "combat" mode and not listen, thinking only about "winning." This is not about right or wrong.

We have to express our feelings.

Tell the other person your limits.

Right now, people may understand and respect you more. From the post, I can see that the poster is too good to her family. Is there room for the family to shine if you are too good?

The host needs to think about this.

You are too kind. Will they get used to your generosity? People are dependent by nature.

It's not about right or wrong.

3. Set boundaries.

Your family is complicated. There will be more conflicts.

Everyone has different habits, likes, and hobbies. It's normal to have conflicts when living together. We need wisdom to resolve and face them.

You still have a job and limited energy and time.

We can't do everything well. When we're overwhelmed, we get emotional. So, what did the ancients mean when they said that at thirty we should be established?

I understand it to mean independence in life. In the countryside, when people get married, they also have to live separately.

This is meaningful on its own.

Psychology says the husband-wife relationship is first, then the parent-child relationship. We need to understand this.

People need boundaries. We need to have boundaries with our mothers, mothers-in-law, fathers, and husbands.

The landlord should know this. There's a lot to talk about. All relationships are a collaboration and a game.

4. Learn and improve yourself.

The landlord's family relationships make it hard for them to live a good life. But they can still learn and improve themselves.

Learn to get along with your mother-in-law and understand your relationship with her. Learn to get along with your parents and your husband.

The landlord may feel unfair, but there's a saying in psychology: whoever suffers, changes. We've changed, and we're the ones who benefit.

They just benefit by learning and having more choices.

Communication is another way to learn. The host can try new ways of communicating, like "Nonviolent Communication."

I hope these ideas help and inspire you. If you have questions, click Find a Coach. We can talk and work together to grow.

Hello!

I'm Coach Yiming.

I've read your question and I can see you've had a rough time. I'm here to help!

I'd love to chat.

I'm here to help.

I hope I can help.

I've read your question and I know you've had a rough time. I'm here to support you.

I want to chat with you.

I hope it helps.

1. Unlimited support vs. limited goodness.

I want to share this with you because you've been too nice to them and have lacked principles.

I want to share this with you because you've been too nice to them and have lacked principles.

This may be uncomfortable.

When one person in a family takes on too much, it makes the others weak and turns them into the caretaker.

You've always supported your family, but you're not recognized for it.

When we say we're capable, good, and do a lot for the family, the relationship can become unbalanced.

We may have taken control of the relationship.

Almost everyone in the family will try to stop us.

How do you face your current troubles?

2. First, sort out the relationship.

You need wisdom and principles when dealing with family issues.

Everyone is important: parents, in-laws, husband, and children.

Psychology ranks family relationships.

The first is the husband-wife relationship.

The second is the parent-child relationship.

The third is the parent-child relationship.

This ranking is not about closeness. The last one is important too.

When there's love in the marriage, the elderly feel at ease and the children are happy.

Spouses should put each other first and make their marriage the core.

Have we put our relationship with our husband first?

Do you talk when there are problems? What can you do when dealing with your daughter and your parents? Can you agree on these things?

If you're the core of the family, many problems will be solved.

The mother-in-law will have a harder time causing trouble.

The daughter will help.

3. Don't show weakness, and don't let others cross your boundaries.

You say, "I earn money, do housework, and solve problems." How can others show their value?

Everyone in the family needs a place.

When we have too many responsibilities, people will find fault.

Talk to your husband about sharing household chores.

What can he contribute to the family?

Get your husband to help you build this home.

This is not a lack of love for the family. The more we give with conditions, the more love we reserve for ourselves, and the less genuine the love we give.

Otherwise, our love may be seen as control.

We can also have mental problems.

This also applies to our daughters.

We love our daughter. We don't need to be subservient to her. We need principles and a bottom line so our daughter can grow up healthier.

Dealing with both sets of parents is harder when you're not on the same page with your husband. You need to think things through on your own too.

You can discuss many things with your family.

Every family and person is different.

You'll find your way.

Browse Chen Weirong's "Family Dance" series.

Good luck!

If a woman is very wealthy, she is a wealthy person and a helper in the family. This may sometimes result in others taking her for granted. They may even think that since you are so capable, you should be able to do even better.

Some people may continue to offer criticism and suggestions, even when they are not warranted. Even if you have not done anything wrong or made any mistakes, some people may still have concerns about various aspects of your life.

The female character Ning You in the TV series "When We Meet Again" had this experience. She worked hard to be nice to her in-laws. She was kind to her mother and took care of her son when he went to school. However, she faced some challenges in return. Her husband was unfaithful to her, her assets were frozen, and she was told by her husband that it was her fault.

Perhaps it would be helpful to stand your ground and express your point of view. It's possible that you've noticed a pattern where people around you are only nice to a certain extent. It's understandable that you're feeling frustrated, and you've been kind to others, but it seems that your parents, mother-in-law, and husband all have differing opinions and challenge you on the matter.

It is important to recognize that these repeated attacks on you, despite your contributions to the family, your housework, and your ability to resolve issues, are ultimately detrimental to your well-being. It is possible that others may not fully comprehend the extent of your struggles, but you are the only one who truly knows the toll they have taken on you. It is essential to have an open and honest conversation about the reality of the situation and to seek guidance on how to navigate these challenges with respect and care. You may find it helpful to speak with a coach in the Heart Exploration Coach section on the homepage. I wish you well.

Could I ask you a question, ZQ?