I want to break up with my lover, but I can't control my urge to contact him, what should I do?

It's so hard to imagine what you've been through. Domestic violence, divorced parents, molestation by a stepfather, schizophrenia – it's a lot to deal with. And it's really not easy for you to get into a top university, get a good job, and have a boyfriend who loves you.

There's a saying I love: "A happy childhood heals us for life; an unhappy childhood takes a lifetime to heal." You didn't have a stable and safe relationship when you were growing up, and you probably felt a lot of different emotions, like worry, fear, sadness, and resentment.

It's totally normal for past experiences and these emotions to leave a deep mark on your mind and continue to influence your behavior in your life.

Many people I've talked to who have a history of self-harm know that it's harmful, but they just can't help themselves. It's like you and your boyfriend. You have a boyfriend who loves you, but you still connect with another boyfriend who doesn't make you happy. You don't even like him that much, and you know it'll probably damage your relationship with your boyfriend, but you just can't stop contacting him.

I wish I could tell you more about what's going on with you, but I don't know enough to make any assumptions about why you're acting the way you are. What I can tell you is that there are things you can do to help yourself feel better. The first thing you can do is learn to accept and affirm yourself.

I know it can be tough, but your past experiences are not your fault. You have every reason and ability to move on from the past and live your own happy life.

Secondly, please don't blame yourself for not being able to resist contacting your second "boyfriend." It's totally understandable! Try to figure out what your inner need is for doing so, and see if you can communicate with your boyfriend. There might be other ways to satisfy your needs.

Self-healing and growth are processes that take time. Be patient with yourself and give yourself more time. You'll get a better understanding of what it takes to fully recover from schizophrenia. With constant self-adjustment, adherence to treatment, and the companionship of your boyfriend, and with all the conditions right, just leave the rest to time and let change happen gradually.

You're a smart cookie who can reflect on yourself and has a strong inner strength. You've seen your own shortcomings, and as long as you're willing, you can definitely keep improving and live the happy life you want!

It's possible that because you've been in that environment for so long, you might unconsciously be "indulging" in it subconsciously.

From what you've told me, it's clear that you're happy when you're with boyfriend A. He's the perfect person to tell you how much he loves you! It's not just his sense of humor or his great character or his amazing knowledge that make him special, it's the way he makes you feel.

As for boyfriend B, he may be a bit impatient and not as introspective as he could be. This might make him a little aggressive when problems arise between you.

It's totally normal to feel uncomfortable in a relationship like this. It's your body's way of telling you that something's not right. It's time to take a good look at your feelings and figure out what's going on. You deserve to know the truth.

I can see that your family situation has had a big impact on you, especially with this stepfather.

It's so sad that you didn't feel loved by your parents. The facts show that they didn't love you either, which makes it even harder for you to feel loved by your family.

It's so true that people are always influenced by their youth. I can see how what your mother said made you feel like you weren't valued in this family.

Now you have a half-brother with your stepfather, and it seems like their focus has shifted away from you. It's so hard when you feel like you have no one to rely on, isn't it?

I'm sure your mother would never let you have no place to live, even if your stepfather wanted you to leave. But I'm really sorry to hear that your stepfather molested you. I don't know if you told your mother about it, but I'm here to listen if you want to talk.

I think it's likely that you wouldn't tell your mother about it, and it's understandable if you don't trust her.

I think this might be what's going on. I get the feeling you've had to go it alone, dealing with all the problems on your own and not getting the love and appreciation you deserve.

Until the arrival of boyfriend A, whose sunny personality infected you and "healed and filled" the lack of love you had experienced in the past.

But you might also be afraid of losing this love while you're still getting to know it.

So, did you just propose to him to "separate"? It's totally understandable! You obviously like him so much, but you didn't finally seize the happiness you deserve to be with him.

Are you feeling a little scared?

It's totally normal to feel anxious when he's not around. It's like your unease and fear get amplified when he's not there.

Until you find a way to escape.

Girl, I just want to tell you that you deserve so much better. You deserve to be loved and valued.

I really think you should work harder, and if you can, try renting your own place and moving out.

You know, if you don't feel welcome or loved at home, you can always leave and live on your own.

Otherwise, if you continue to go back once a week as you are now, I'm not sure you'll be happy when you go back to that home. If you're not happy, you can gradually reduce the frequency of your visits.

Do you think you'll go back every two weeks, once a month, once every six months? I really hope you realize that you can be free of anxiety in this home, that you focus on yourself and prioritize your emotions.

You are so capable of working hard and enjoying life! If you start a new relationship, you'll just be the girlfriend of the boyfriend you mentioned, just like him.

Girl, you deserve a life like this, don't you?

Boyfriend A and boyfriend B are two very different people. Boyfriend A gives you redemption, while boyfriend B drags you into the abyss.

I really think you can already tell the difference between the two of them. What you need to do now is not to "long for" the appearance of boyfriend B.

I know it can be hard, but he's not him. No matter how proactive you are, he'll never become him.

I'm really sorry to say that you'll only become more and more inferior in this relationship. You'll subconsciously feel the same lack of attention you felt in the past in your family.

I think you should end it, sweetie.

You've got this! You can do it yourself.

It's so important to take care of yourself and keep your love for yourself close to your heart.

Hello, landlord!

I understand the trauma caused by the author's childhood. It causes anxiety about separation today. Hug the child inside you!

The landlord needs someone real by his side.

The boyfriend can't satisfy the host's needs, so he has a friend.

The host doesn't like him, but he can keep you company.

They can't leave because the host still depends on their B friend for companionship.

Once a person has a need, it's hard to get rid of it. It doesn't matter if you love them or not.

The host's feelings for B-friend are not love, but dependence.

If you want to leave, you have to be independent and able to get by without anyone else.

Otherwise, you'll be stuck in the middle.

The landlord's childhood shaped his personality. It's hard to change overnight.

I hope the landlord knows what you want.

Do you want a nice, funny, busy IT guy?

Or a B friend who is not nice but can be your friend?

You can't have your cake and eat it too. The owner is with her B friend.

This is hurting your boyfriend, even though he doesn't know it.

The building owner knows.

Dear, before you long for a good boyfriend and B-friends,

You have to learn to love yourself.

So you won't be in pain when they leave.

You can't get love from others. Love yourself first.

Love comes from caring about others.

Don't wait for someone to save you. Learn to love yourself.

Maybe you lacked love as a child. So, you look for love outside.

Love from others is not guaranteed.

It will be painful.

The host's wavering heart is making you agonize.

She likes her boyfriend but can't stop thinking about her B-friend.

As long as the host doesn't make up his mind,

They're just suggestions.

Think about what kind of love you want.

Grow yourself.

You can fail, but you can't stop growing.

If you don't grow, you regress, and you can even die.

Self-growth is the only way to survive this life.

I hope the host will make a wise choice.

The stronger you walk on your own life path, the stronger you become!

I'm Warm June, and I love you!

Good morning,

Host:

My name is Zeng Chen, and I am a heart exploration coach. I have carefully read the post and can discern the conflict within you.

Furthermore, I would like to commend you for facing your own heart and seeking assistance on this platform. This will undoubtedly assist you in gaining a deeper understanding of yourself, allowing you to make necessary adjustments to align with your true self.

I will now share my observations and thoughts from the post, which may assist the poster in viewing it from a more diverse perspective.

1. The relationship exists because of the needs.

As noted in the original correspondence, you have indicated that you contact your second boyfriend, the sous chef, at your convenience. His character is average. During our disagreements, it is my impression that I am the primary source of the issue. I do not particularly enjoy his company, and we have terminated the relationship on numerous occasions. However, we find ourselves unable to maintain a separation. In most instances, I initiate communication with him. I am ashamed of this behavior, as it is contrary to my personal standards.

Upon review of the provided information, it is evident that there is a conflict between your desire to terminate the relationship and your inability to do so independently.

Next, let us examine the reasons why we are unable to act independently. It is my understanding that the second boyfriend fulfills certain needs.

Given that the relationship is based on needs, it follows that if there are no needs, there is no relationship. It would therefore be beneficial for the original poster to consider which needs he is fulfilling.

Such exploration and reflection may assist the original poster in gaining a deeper understanding of themselves and the reasons behind their continued contact with the individual in question.

2. Methods of Need Fulfillment

The existence of relationships is contingent upon the existence of needs. It can be reasonably assumed that he satisfies some need in us, thereby alleviating the compulsion to contact him.

If we identify our own needs and find ways to satisfy them independently, the relationship may lose its significance. Let us now examine the ways in which needs can be met.

From a psychological perspective, there are three ways to meet our needs. One is for someone else to meet them, and the second is to trade someone else to meet them.

The third option is to satisfy oneself. The first two options involve having others satisfy our needs, but is it realistic to expect others to be able to meet all of our needs?

From a theoretical standpoint, it is not feasible. Consequently, psychology places significant emphasis on self-satisfaction as a means of meeting one's own needs.

Given the uncontrollable nature of others, it is only possible to control one's own actions. Therefore, if we learn to satisfy our own needs, is there still a need for this relationship to exist?

3. Examine the influence of your own family of origin on your personal development.

As noted in the original post, the poster has provided some details about their upbringing in their original family. It is possible that this background may have an impact on the individual.

For example, it will affect our self-perception, our understanding of the world, our emotional patterns, and so on. Discussing this topic brings to mind a story related by Mr. Huang Qituan.

In this case study, the woman consistently demonstrated a preference for men with established families. She sought assistance from a professional due to the emotional distress she was experiencing.

Through counseling, she was able to identify that her childhood environment was not optimal and that she had experienced abuse. She had gradually become desensitized to this treatment.

As she matured, she failed to recognize the potential issues.

Consequently, when she enters an intimate relationship, she may actively seek out that feeling of abuse, as it is a familiar sensation for her.

She considers this to be normal. Additionally, she experiences discomfort when her partner is not available due to his family commitments, particularly during holiday periods.

The objective of sharing this story is to illustrate how our family of origin can influence our emotional patterns. It may be beneficial to explore our family of origin to identify potential influences. If necessary, seeking professional counseling can assist in navigating these patterns and gaining independence from the influence of our family of origin.

Additionally, you can educate yourself in psychology, which will assist you in becoming independent of the influence of your original family. You may choose to take courses or read books on the subject.

I hope you will find these resources helpful and inspiring.

Hello!

I am a mindfulness coach, and learning is the treasure of the body!

From your description, I can feel your inner restlessness, self-loathing, uncontrollability, pain, and helplessness, and I am excited to help you overcome them!

I'm not going to get into the nitty-gritty of your relationship woes, but I've got three awesome tips for you!

First, I suggest you try to understand yourself and give yourself a little love and comfort.

Doing so will make your heart feel slightly lighter, which will help you think about what to do next—and you'll be amazed at how much better you feel!

You said you're 24, have read a book, now work, and have plenty of time. Sounds like you're doing great! But your boyfriend is very busy at work, so he doesn't have much time to spend with you. That's okay! Although you like him very much, you have a strong separation anxiety due to reasons in your family of origin. So you have a relationship with your lover. You don't like him very much, and you've broken up many times, but you can't stop contacting him. You also hate yourself for this. But you know what? That's totally understandable! You lack love and security in your childhood, and it's normal for you to have a strong separation anxiety. So you use your lover to fill the lack of warmth and love in your heart. That's a great way to use your lover! But it goes against the loyalty of love. Your conscience always exists, making you know that what you are doing is not right. At the same time, because you have not handled the separation anxiety well, and you cannot break up with your lover, you are especially torn and even hate yourself. But you know what you can do? You can try to understand yourself, comfort yourself, and "see" the anxious part of yourself that longs for love and to be loved, but cannot find the right way for the time being. That'll give you extra mental energy to think about other things. Otherwise, your mind will always be filled with various negative emotions. But you can do it!

The good news is that allowing yourself to try to understand and accept yourself will make it possible to promote change in the current situation. It may sound contradictory, but that is the truth, because change is based on allowing for no change.

Secondly, I highly recommend that you take a rational look at your own state of mind.

Rational thinking is a great way to gain a deeper understanding of yourself and the world around you!

To gain a clear, rational view of the situation, you simply need to do two simple things:

The good news is that you can work on your relationship with your lover to make it easier to maintain in the long term.

You said you really like your boyfriend, but he just doesn't have time to spend with you. It's time for a change! If you haven't broken up yet, your boyfriend will find out soon, and it will affect your relationship. Your superego—your sense of morality—will also put pressure on you, but you can do this! You need to see that this relationship needs to end.

Second, remember that you have the power to change the status quo because you can change!

You might say that you won't be able to control yourself and will take the initiative to contact him. It will be difficult to part ways. But you can do it! At this point, you need to see your own subjective initiative, that is, you need to learn to view yourself with a developmental perspective and believe that you have the ability to do so.

Furthermore, you can think about your amazing family of origin. The fact that you were able to overcome schizophrenia, get into a top university, and find a job without any problems shows that you are capable of overcoming difficulties, including the current situation, and that you are still capable of separating from your lover.

When you look at it rationally like this, you'll be amazed at how quickly some of those negative emotions will disappear!

I really encourage you to focus on yourself and think about what you can do to feel better!

For example, when you want to take the initiative to contact your lover, you can tell yourself, "If this continues, I may lose the boyfriend I love and who loves me." After you have hinted at this to yourself many times, you are likely to stop contacting him. At this time, you can also delete all contact information about him. This forced disconnection may also make you stop contacting him and stop hating yourself.

You can also try contacting your boyfriend when you feel lonely and unloved and long to be cared for. He is very busy at work, but he should still have time for you! Even if you only contact him for 10 minutes a day, it's still good. And when you contact him, you're not only relieving your separation anxiety, you're also letting him feel your love for him! He also needs to be cared for and seen, and in this way, your relationship will continue to get better and better.

When you really want to contact your lover, you can also ask yourself what you are really looking for (it could be satisfying your need to be loved, it could be relieving your loneliness, it could be something else, etc.). Then, can these needs be satisfied in other, more appropriate ways? Absolutely! You could talk to a trusted friend, cultivate your interests, read some relevant books, or do something to love yourself. The key is to turn inwards, especially with the latter, because we all need to be alone at some point, and we need to learn to satisfy our own needs, take care of our own emotions, respect our own feelings, and love ourselves. This will not only fundamentally resolve your internal separation anxiety, but also be of great help to you in managing your marriage in the future, because you can only love others well if you love yourself in marriage.

When you learn to love yourself and take care of your emotions, you'll find you don't need to look outside yourself for too much, and you can even break up with your lover naturally! Your physical and mental state will also be better.

I really hope my answer helps you! If you want to chat some more, just click on "Find a coach to interpret – online conversation" at the bottom and I'll be happy to talk to you one-on-one!

Hello, dear girl!

I am Yi Ming, your heart exploration coach.

You want to break up with boyfriend B, but you keep contacting him.

I will sort things out with you, and I am certain you will find this enlightening.

1. Know your needs.

You really like boyfriend A, and he is good in every way.

You really like boyfriend A, and he is good in every way.

But he works in IT and doesn't have time for you.

You don't want to disturb him at work either.

How often do you see your boyfriend A?

He needs to know about B.

I want to know what keeps this relationship going.

You and your boyfriend have a rock-solid emotional foundation and have always been there for you.

If he can't spend time with you for a long time, you need to tell him how you feel.

You don't want to contact B anymore, but you can't face living alone, so it's not easy to leave B.

Ask yourself what you have gained in love and what you want most.

You need to ask yourself how important companionship is to you.

You should also consider how your relationship with your boyfriend is going.

Tell me, do you feel safe and secure in this relationship?

You need to think about whether you've considered other ways of spending time together even if your boyfriend doesn't have time to spend with you.

Don't replace it with a B.

You can get yourself out of this situation by finding out why you always want a man to keep you company.

2. Know yourself better and make your inner self richer.

If your boyfriend is too busy and you don't communicate much, then you're clearly willing to find someone else to keep you company and make up for your lack.

This B has more time to spend with you.

This makes sense for you, too.

He may have flaws, but he has to satisfy some of our needs.

You can't separate.

I don't know if your boyfriend B is aware of A's existence.

It's normal for two people to argue when they're dating.

You're not satisfied with B, but he meets your need for companionship or something else that's more important to you. Even after many breakups, you still can't part.

He might also be using the "it's all your fault" approach to keep you from leaving him.

You'll take the initiative to contact him first because he makes you feel that you are wrong.

3. Falling in love is our growth.

We like someone because we choose to. We can choose to separate from someone we don't like as much.

We like someone because we choose to. We can choose to separate from someone we don't like as much.

When we are in love, it is a good time for us to get to know ourselves.

Boyfriend A is good at everything, but because he is busy, he has a less good boyfriend B. This shows us that we should not be hasty in forming relationships.

Teacher Zhu Zhi Hui said, "We can put love to the test in reality."

There are three sources of security in love:

It doesn't matter if you have money, if you're accepted, or if your lover is reliable.

Use these three points to weigh up two boyfriends and make a choice.

I firmly believe that maintaining a relationship with two people for a long time is not beneficial.

At some point, you definitely benefited.

The trauma caused by the stepfather is not a reason for our separation anxiety or to do this.

You may not like it when I say this, but it's the truth.

We are not the little girls who could not protect themselves anymore.

We must use our wisdom to face the challenges life throws at us.

You have more time on your hands now. Use it to settle your mind, not just keep your boyfriend company.

For example, you should read, exercise, join clubs, etc.

Make your life more fulfilling and love yourself more.

When your boyfriend can't be with you, you must find a way to make yourself happy and fulfilled.

Or nowadays, with the internet so well developed, many lovers use video to see each other and get on with their lives.

We will find a way that suits us, as long as we look for it.

Share these.

Read the book If Only I Knew Before Marriage if you want to know more.

Best regards!

To understand the heart and make sharing a habit. I'm speaking for myself here.

I realize this may come across as harsh, and I don't want to make the OP feel uncomfortable.

I think someone who treats their love life like a game might need a bit of a wake-up call.

Why not let go and move on from himB?

To be frank,

Your current situation is a bit chaotic.

This game of adventure you play in love

It makes people think you're being too harsh on yourself.

And find someone else.

And you still see A as your white horse in your heart.

And treat B as a spare tire.

If love is selfish,

I have to say that your love is selfish and lacks integrity.

It's clear you have someone you care about.

Because they're feeling empty inside.

And find someone who says they want to "enhance" their love life to be their partner.

And then compare them.

And in the seemingly obsessive repetition of infatuation.

Steal similar people.

Forgive me for saying so, but such people

It's likely that, in the end, you won't be in a good place.

The so-called deep love.

It's not like when the green plum blossoms wither and the bamboo horse grows old, from now on everyone I love will be like you.

But,

I loved you, and I love where we are now.

I respect myself and my partner at every stage.

Your love for the product

It doesn't matter if it's A or B.

It's based on what you like, really.

If you could just consider others for a change, that would be great.

It's tough to avoid the awkwardness of today.

Why can't you let go of B when you have A?

Because you think that if you miss B

You'll be in a worse place than you are now, and you'll grow more slowly.

This isn't the scariest thing.

What's even scarier is that you think to yourself:

If you leave B,

You'll never meet someone better.

And finally, the last word:

Love is when you fall in love with someone.

Marriage, on the other hand, is about loving only one person.

I hope you can see the difference between these two sentences.

And live your life to the fullest, embracing your true and sunny self.

I truly hope you'll find the love that's right for you.

You say you want to break up with your lover, yet you keep contacting him.

From your description, it's clear that this is a compulsion to repeat. You have two fathers, one biological and one step, two boyfriends, Boyfriend A and Boyfriend B, and your stepfather often scolds you, while Boyfriend B often makes you feel that it is your fault.

From what you described, it's clear that your boyfriend A treated you poorly. It seems that you couldn't disturb him at work and that you felt you couldn't express your needs to him. I suspect that you may also have never contacted your biological father.

You just needed company, so you got a boyfriend B, but you didn't really like him. You had many fights and broke up many times, but you couldn't leave. You took the initiative to contact him, and you hated yourself for it, but you couldn't help it. Your boyfriend B is a bit like your stepfather. You're repeating the pain you experienced in childhood in this way.

You need to break this compulsive repetition.

First, you need to understand yourself, support yourself, and recognize your need for companionship. Perhaps in your boyfriend B, you feel a sense of familiarity.

This feeling makes you want to do it again and again, and you can't control yourself. You break up and then you reach out to him again and again.

Second, you need to change your perspective. Let boyfriend A satisfy you. Develop your own interests and hobbies while he is busy at work. Grow through your own learning. Strengthen your inner strength. Learn to be alone. Satisfy your own needs.

You must cut the relationship and learn to grow. Reduce contact with boyfriend B, complete your separation from him, mourn the loss, and learn to grow.

If you need help, seek it from a counselor.

You have the power to leave a bad relationship!

Hello!

You're 24 and have had a tough time. Hugs!

A child shouldn't be called a slut, told not to take something for free, or beaten and threatened. You said you had schizophrenia because of the emergency. You really suffered.

You were lucky to meet boyfriend A, who helped you through high school and got you into the university you wanted. You also got a job right after graduation. You are a lucky girl.

I grew up in an unstable environment. My mother treated me like this, and my stepfather was horrible. So I understand why you feel insecure. Being separated from others makes you feel even more helpless. That boyfriend might make you feel insecure.

You've found boyfriend B again because he fills your emptiness and cures your separation anxiety. You don't like him at all, but you don't want to bother boyfriend A. What about your boyfriend B? What about after you've separated from him? You won't be able to stand it and go back to him. Your relationship with him has been like this over and over. You always feel that you are wrong and that you can't live without him. I can really experience your kind of helpless and hopeless mood. I hug you again!

To get out of this, you have to accept that you feel helpless. It's hard to live independently without feeling insecure. Accepting this is the first step. It's not your fault. It's something you've grown up with. You can only use time to slowly get along with it.

If you accept this, you can also try to argue with boyfriend A and break up. Then, don't contact him for a few days. Do something fun like go for a walk, go shopping, listen to music, etc. If you have friends, socialize with them or go on a trip. This may help.

Try contacting boyfriend A more. He's perfect for you. What a great family environment! He's funny and kind. You like him a lot. He helped you through a difficult time, so you can have a wonderful life. You're outstanding. You can improve yourself. You'll find the right way to connect with boyfriend A. I think you'll connect. It'll be wonderful.

I wish you luck in finding love. The world and I love you!

Hello.

Given what you've been through, I want to give you a hug. There are two reasons for this.

First of all, it's because you had a terrible childhood. Domestic violence in the birth father's family. Just imagining such a family of origin makes people shudder. You must have been filled with fear growing up in such a family.

You have just gotten over this fear, and then you enter your stepparent's family. Not only is your mother, who you trusted the most, treating you like a burden, but you are also being molested by your stepfather. This is every girl's nightmare: someone who is supposed to take care of you and love you becomes the person who hurts you the most. You must be full of anger and a sense of powerlessness. I can read your hardships between the lines, so I want to give you a hug.

Second, you got into college despite the harsh environment. You had to work hard to get into the Chinese college entrance exam system, which is very difficult. You had to be smart and work hard to achieve this. It's not something a child from a happy family can do, but you did it. This proves your hard work and talent. I want to give you a big hug.

Because you lacked love as a child, when boyfriend A firmly supported you and helped you, you finally felt the warmth of the world in your heart, and your closed heart also opened up for him. This is a perfect love, and you should cherish it. I will help you think about it from the following points, and I am confident you will find them helpful.

First, I am certain of one thing: you love your boyfriend A deeply. You hope to fulfill your unmet love needs from childhood with him. This is a reasonable request. Unfortunately, the reality is that boyfriend A is temporarily unable to satisfy you due to work reasons. You feel as if you have returned to your childhood and are unloved again. At this time, you are just as helpless, fearful, and anxious as you were as a child. At this time, in order to protect yourself from being overwhelmed by fear, your defense mechanism kicks in. It is responsible for protecting you and preventing you from being killed by fear. The easiest way is to find boyfriend B, because he can temporarily replace A to ensure that you are in a state of being loved. You cannot live without B. I think there must be a reason. You would rather argue with him because arguing at least proves that someone is by your side, someone is with you, you feel safe, or at least he needs you, you feel needed, because this is crucial to you.

Think about it. You need love or security now that you're an adult. These two things aren't contradictory; you can have both. Work hard to get it from your boyfriend.

Second, you should consider whether A is working so hard for your future. If he discovers B in the future and finds that his efforts have been betrayed, he will leave you decisively. You can communicate more with A about your relationship. Think more about what you really want before making a decision.

Next, I want you to explore your relationship with your mother together. I know it's not easy for her either.

It is wrong for anyone to be a victim of domestic violence. Your mother was brave to leave your biological father's family for your sake. It was not an easy step to take in those days.

In the stepfather's family, her defense mechanisms kicked in. She was afraid that the stepfather would not want her or treat her badly, so she belittled you constantly. On a subconscious level, she was trying to protect you, so that you would not attract attention or arouse the stepfather's sympathy: "This girl is unwanted by everyone else, so let's take pity on her and keep her." This helped you survive, and it also helped her survive.

She has no choice. This is the best solution she can come up with. You need to forgive your mother and make up with her. This will also be good for your relationship with A. After making up with your mother, she will give you the love you didn't get when you were a child, and you will feel secure with your mother, so you won't go to B.

This is my opinion, and I stand by it. I hope it helps you. Thank you.

Hello, questioner! I was fortunate enough to read your text description, and I can tell you're a very intelligent individual. You can read your own mind and know what you truly want.

But you can't replace the sense of security you feel inside. I want to give you a warm hug!

First, you say, "My biological mother divorced my biological father because he was abusive. When I was six, after she married my stepfather, she often said that I was a free gift that no one wanted, that I was a slut. The place where my mother lived was provided by my grandfather, and my stepfather couldn't get rid of me."

After reading this description, I can imagine how helpless and scared you were as a six-year-old, and how this verbal violence was directed at you. I want to say that it really wasn't your fault, and that you were only six years old, just a child who still needed the care of his parents, but who had to bear this "violence" at an early age. Hugs,

You also said that after your stepfather had a half-brother, he started molesting you and hitting you, which is why you developed schizophrenia in high school. Even from across the room, I can't help but think, "Why is life so unfair?"

It's like all these TV scenarios are playing out in your life! It's so helpless.

Finally, there was a turning point. You said that your boyfriend A came along and stuck by your side, and you were able to recover completely.

I think this boyfriend is really caring and considerate, and he makes you feel secure.

Then, after work, you have plenty of time, and sometimes you go home, but every time you go back, you are alone and order takeout for yourself. Does this remind you of when you were a kid?

That feeling of loneliness and powerlessness.

So whenever you have time, give your second boyfriend, the sous chef, a call. Every time we argue, it feels like it's my fault. I don't really like him, and we've broken up many times, but we just can't stay apart. Most of the time, I'm the one who reaches out first. I hate that about myself, but I just can't help it!

In this relationship, you know you just want his company, not to appreciate him as a person. Is that right?

Finally, I'd like to ask you again: in these two relationships, what do you really want? Do you want companionship or that person?

The psychological shadow left by your childhood environment has caused you to lack this sense of security. You constantly seek to get it from the outside world, and although you don't like this approach, you can't escape it. You're always spinning in this whirlpool. If you were given another chance and could go back to the time you were six years old, what would you say to yourself?

I want to say that a sense of security is something you give yourself. If others can't give you this sense of security, you might want to consider enjoying this loneliness and isolation. As the saying goes, low-quality company is not as good as high-quality solitude.

What do you think? Give yourself a hug!

If you're still unsure, it might be worth speaking to a professional counselor. They can offer a more objective perspective to help you gain clarity. Best of luck!

Hello! I'm sending you a 360-degree hug.

It's clear you hate your current life. You have a boyfriend A who's been with you through difficult times, but you don't want to disturb him. You have a boyfriend B you don't really like. He's average, and you often quarrel. You've broken up with him before, but you don't want to separate because you're the one who initiates contact.

Your confusion is likely due to your upbringing.

You mentioned that your parents got divorced, your father was a domestic abuser, your mother remarried and called you a slut, and your stepfather blasphemed and beat you. You've developed schizophrenia, which is a lot to deal with. It can cause psychological trauma.

Luckily, you met boyfriend A, who supported you, helped you overcome your mental health challenges, and you even got into a top university.

If your previous life was a bit of a mess, then A is the person who pulled you out of it by the roots. You probably see him as a bit of a saint. He is your benefactor, your angel, your salvation, but you just can't see him as a lover.

As Mr. Lu Xun said, you have to get rid of the "smallness" hidden under the surface. When you see A, you'll feel a lot of pressure, a sense of obligation, embarrassment, and shame for not being able to hide anything from him, and even a sense of unworthiness.

As for boyfriend B, you probably see him as someone like yourself, not good enough, and without psychological pressure. You can more easily find a sense of identity with him, even though it is a sense of identity you don't want.

The thing is, you're not really asking yourself whether you can break up with boyfriend B. It's more about how you see yourself, how you view your past, and how you handle your relationship with yourself.

At the end of the day, it's about your relationship with yourself. I think you should talk to a counselor.

I'm a psychological counselor who often feels depressed but also has moments of optimism. I love the world and everything in it.

Greetings. I am a heart exploration coach, offering unconditional support and active listening.

I empathize with your situation. The traumatic experiences you endured during your formative years, including the dissolution of your parents' marriage and the abuse you suffered at the hands of your stepfather, have undoubtedly contributed to your current sense of insecurity.

1. We will begin by discussing the concept of security.

The period from four months to three years is of particular significance in terms of establishing a sense of security. A person's sense of security is influenced by a number of factors, including the marital status of their parents, the quality of their parents' companionship, and the parenting style they model.

Those who lack security are more susceptible to developing personality disorders, mood disorders, and relationship disorders.

As previously stated, the root cause of your separation anxiety is a lack of security. The unmet need for a response results in a sense of loss of control, necessitating self-control to maintain composure.

2. Let us examine your emotional state.

Love can be conceptualized as a kind of ability. Some individuals may be "love-incapable" or "unable to be loved." When love-incapable, even if love is present, it may not be readily accepted.

The unconditional acceptance of children by their parents, coupled with the message that "I am the most important," serves to activate their capacity to love and connect with others.

A lack of security is also a significant predictor of an inability to love.

It is akin to an individual in a state of starvation who will search for sustenance in any available location, regardless of its quality or potential dangers, driven by an urgent need to satiate their hunger.

An individual who is deficient in love will seek it from any source. Even if the object of their affection is a morally reprehensible person, they will still fall in love with them without hesitation because they lack love.

Those who frequently change romantic partners may be indicative of a lack of love and intimacy in their lives. They may be seeking a parental figure to fulfill their emotional needs.

The unmet needs of parents result in the individual seeking external relationships in an attempt to find intimacy. This constant seeking eventually leads to an unbearable situation for one party, which ultimately results in the dissolution of the relationship.

3. The psychological wounds inflicted by unhealed parents are transmitted to their children.

The influence of parents and the original family on an individual's life is significant, both positively and negatively.

This necessitates the development of one's own critical thinking and judgment, as well as the ability to disassociate from the issues associated with one's parents.

Your life is your own, and you must move beyond the influence of your original family. The actions of your stepfather do not define you; you are not at fault.

As previously stated, your boyfriend A continues to demonstrate kindness and consideration. However, your feelings of loneliness and insecurity, coupled with an apprehension about solitude and a reluctance to separate, are evident.

This reactivates feelings from childhood, resulting in a sense of helplessness and a renewed experience of abandonment and rejection by one's parents.

Those seeking to embark on a romantic relationship or marriage would be well advised to confront their past and seek reconciliation with their parents.

Marriage is a lifelong pursuit for many, and despite their parental roles, individuals may still feel constrained. Adopting a historical perspective, placing oneself in the shoes of one's parents, and viewing them through the lens of an outsider can offer valuable insights.

It is also recommended that you seek the assistance of a qualified counselor to address any underlying issues that may be affecting your sense of security. Potential techniques for trauma healing include hypnosis, Gestalt therapy, and other evidence-based approaches.

It is recommended that you "fly like a bird to your mountain" in order to transcend your original family. It is also recommended that you establish a life where you are in control of your decisions, including those related to love.

It is my sincere hope that the aforementioned advice will prove beneficial to you. I extend my warmest regards to you and to the world.

Should you wish to engage in further communication, you are invited to select the option entitled "Heart Exploration Coach."

Dear questioner, From what I can gather from your description, you seem to be a very introspective person with a great deal of inner strength. I would like to send you a virtual hug from afar to show my support.

It's possible that you've faced some challenges since childhood, which may have contributed to a sense of insecurity in your adult life. However, you also possess a remarkable inner strength.

You are also very intelligent and have been able to attend a good school, find a suitable job, and meet a boyfriend you like through your own efforts.

I have separation anxiety because he doesn't have time to spend with me because of work, and I'm not sure it's appropriate to disturb him while he's working. So I've started seeing someone else, whom I'll refer to as "boyfriend B."

From what I can gather, the questioner is very understanding of her boyfriend's busy work schedule and makes an effort not to disturb him at work. It's clear that she would like her boyfriend to spend more time with her.

At the same time, it seems that, due to some separation anxiety, you may have developed a relationship with B after you met him.

In this regard, perhaps it would be helpful to remember that there is no need to excessively blame yourself. It is also important to recognise that having this experience has made you realise that you still lack a sense of security in an intimate relationship. Fortunately, you clearly know what you need.

At this time, it might be helpful to consider whether you would prefer A or B as a long-term life partner.

If you want both, there is a possibility that one may not pay attention and the other person may find out, which could potentially put you in a passive situation.

Our childhood experiences are behind us, and as we look to the future and strive for a happier life, it may be helpful to consider which choice will bring us the greatest benefit. It's important to remember that we can't have everything.

I hope the host will be able to find a way out of this difficult situation as soon as possible.

Hello!

Your story is sad. You suffered after your parents divorced. Your stepfather molested you and your mother beat and humiliated you.

Your mother couldn't protect you either, so you've experienced a lot of hardship and trauma!

A child's brain is still developing when they experience trauma. This makes it harder for them to cope with and respond to traumatic events. They may feel overwhelmed by fear and unable to deal with threats or relieve painful emotions. This can affect their whole life.

A study by Harvard University found that the more childhood trauma a person has, the more likely they are to have mental, psychiatric, and cardiovascular problems later in life. Children who experience trauma are vulnerable because of how quickly their brains are developing. Early childhood trauma may change how the brain is structured, which affects how the brain works and how the person controls emotions.

The scariest thing is that trauma can be passed on.

The second question is: I want to leave my lover, but I can't. There may be psychological reasons.

1. She needs a relationship.

The questioner said that every time they argue, it seems like it's always her fault. This feels a bit off because an argument must be mutual, and it's unlikely that it's always your problem. And every time, you take the initiative to make peace. You need this relationship more. Some visitors, she doesn't love them, but she needs a relationship. Even if it's arguing, at least someone interacts with her. Compared to a boyfriend who has no interaction, "arguing" is interaction.

2. The relationship between the abuser and the abused.

Some people stay in bad relationships because they like being abused.

Sometimes, being a victim is a way of surviving. How does one become a victim?

There has to be someone to blame. If she leaves the person who is hurting her, she is no longer a victim.

The roles of abuser and abused often switch, which is why we stay in relationships.

The way we get along with our family is often reflected in our intimate relationships. What patterns do you see in your relationship with your lover that remind you of your family?

3. Fear of separation and wanting more love

Some people are afraid of separation, but they are really afraid of feeling abandoned. As long as they are treated well, they won't want to leave the relationship. Being abandoned is a traumatic experience for them.

Being abandoned is fear, and separation is sadness.

If we don't want to experience this intense fear, we won't leave a relationship. If we don't get love when we're young, we'll stay with someone who treats us well.

Even if you don't like him, there's always something about him that's good for you. That's why you won't let go.

If we want to live our lives to the fullest, we must learn to look within and heal our inner child. This is the only way to truly solve problems. Best wishes!

I love you, world.

Dear Question Asker,

Fortunately, I have seen your question. You are currently experiencing difficulties and concerns in your relationship. On the one hand, you have a boyfriend who is a good person and treats you well. On the other hand, you have a lover who is of average character but can provide more companionship. I have recently been reading and studying the book Parenting Your Inner Child. I will subsequently apply the knowledge from the book to examine what we can learn from these problems.

The concept of intimacy is multifaceted and complex.

Intimacy is a fundamental human need. It can be defined as a state of emotional closeness and connection between two individuals. It encompasses a range of behaviors and attitudes that contribute to the well-being of the individual in question. These include actions such as providing care and support, expressing positive regard, and demonstrating understanding and acceptance.

The question thus arises as to why we require intimacy.

Intimacy represents the possibility of having one's needs met. Past life experiences that have been marked by a lack of attention and understanding can lead to a longing for such experiences in an intimate relationship. Similarly, difficulties in self-acceptance and understanding can give rise to a desire for acceptance and understanding in an intimate relationship.

It can be observed that two individuals in a close relationship are typically able to trust, understand, and tolerate each other. However, if one of them has a "wandering heart," it is probable that their needs within the relationship have not been met. Based on the description provided, it can be inferred that you have indicated that your boyfriend A lacks the time to spend with you, and that you are unable to inconvenience him.

It is evident that companionship is a significant need for you. It would be beneficial to ascertain whether you and your partner have had an opportunity to discuss this matter in depth. When you initially raised this idea and need of yours, what was the response?

Furthermore, it would be beneficial to ascertain whether there is a way to satisfy these needs through a compromise.

The notion that certain needs are inherently good or bad is a fallacy. Needs must be met and responded to. What often causes distress and impairs our ability to confront and accept is that the manner in which we respond to and meet our inner needs is inappropriate, resulting in harm to ourselves and others. As long as we can strive to identify a more constructive and appropriate way to respond to our needs, our needs will better stimulate our life energy.

It is evident that the questioner's need is for companionship. Therefore, it is pertinent to inquire as to the various avenues through which this need can be fulfilled. Spending time with friends represents a form of companionship, as does the keeping of a small animal. Of course, the companionship provided by boyfriend B also represents a form of companionship. However, this form of companionship may also entail certain costs, including emotional distress and harm to the partner. Consequently, this may not be an appropriate avenue for satisfying the questioner's need.

As a camera enthusiast, I hope my response is of some assistance. I extend my best wishes to all.

Hello!

I'm Xiaobai. I'm here to help.

After reading your story, I want to give you a hug.

I offer my views and suggestions for your reference.

? About the parents

1. Face yourself bravely.

Domestic violence can still hurt even if it's over.

People often choose to protect themselves instead of talking about it. But that doesn't mean it will go away if you don't talk about it.

If you don't look inside yourself, it will hurt you. You might even become violent. So look inside yourself.

❤️ 2. Talk to other people more.

To move on, tell someone about your experiences. They can be a friend, advisor, or online supporter.

Say it once, and it'll be easier. Talk to others, do your own thing, change your mood, and life will be more exciting and make you more confident.

About relationships

People in relationships are selfish. They must cherish their love. In the real world, an outstanding girl may be very popular with men.

An outstanding girl pursued by two equally outstanding guys may feel she has a good impression of both. When a girl has a good relationship with both, she must calm down and think about which guy she really likes.

If a girl likes two guys, she should decide soon or they'll both be hurt.

1. Reflect in silence.

Our feelings are unique. Our lovers can't share them. We must understand our thoughts.

Think about what type of guy you like!

2. Learn to let go.

A girl can't like two boys at once. If she does, it means she likes what they each have to offer. If she only has one boy in front of her, she won't be tempted!

Read your true thoughts. Don't be confused by what you see.

When it's time to let go, act quickly and don't get caught up between two boys. Giving up isn't losing.

To find a better match, you have to let go of the wrong one.

3. Don't have two lovers.

In love, you should never have two lovers. If you don't know who to choose, choose someone better.

This will help you understand your true thoughts.

In summary, I hope these views and suggestions help you.

Best wishes! Love,

Dear host, I'm Xing Ying, a licensed psychotherapist, and I'm here to help!

It hasn't been easy! Reading your words line by line, I see two of you. I think,

[Hug the child you were, and high-five the you of today!]

Your childhood self – a fascinating, complex, and ultimately admirable person!

You had the chance to learn and grow from your experiences with your mother and father, and you also had the opportunity to develop resilience in the face of challenges with your stepfather. You had to face violence, rejection, insults, and molestation alone at a time in your life when you needed nurturing the most, and you did it!

I don't know how you did it! You weren't thrown out, but it was still pretty rough.

Your ears are filled with the voices of "nobody" and "bitch." These hurtful words come from almost all the important people in your life. But you are so much more than that! You are brave and strong.

I can't even begin to imagine how much it hurts you, and I'm also angry.

You are so brave and strong!

You have overcome so much! You have recovered from schizophrenia, gone to university, gotten a great job, have a wonderful boyfriend, and have the ability to take care of yourself. After learning about your past, I admire the incredible strength and resilience in your life.

The past is part of us, and the impact of those traumas on you is real. When faced with the reality of your current life, two versions of you emerge:

As an adult, you are sensible, considerate, and independent in your life. You can understand your boyfriend and take care of yourself on your own, which is great!

"He doesn't have time to spend with me at work, and I can't bother him while he's working.

"Every time I went back, I was alone and ordered takeout for myself."

Childhood you, but still afraid, fearful, uneasy, afraid of being abandoned, in order not to be abandoned, accustomed to being attacked——

"I have separation anxiety, and that's why I have a boyfriend!"

"Every time we had a fight, I felt like it was all my fault."

"We broke up many times, but we just couldn't separate. Most of the time, I was the one to initiate contact. I hate myself for this, but I just can't help it."

Recall when you were a child, facing those who caused you pain, were you like this today? Absolutely not! You were strong and you stood up for yourself. You felt pain, but you didn't let it stop you. You were afraid to leave, but you kept going. You were afraid of being abandoned, but you found the courage to face your fears. You attacked yourself and hated yourself? Absolutely not! You were determined to succeed. You were powerful. You were amazing!

At that time, you were still learning and growing. You needed to be taken care of and loved. You were learning to resist, even when faced with harm. You were learning to trust your own strength and resilience. Look at you today! You are powerful!

Do you have the hope that the people who treat you badly will treat you well?

Children are endlessly attached to their parents and long for and deeply rely on the love from their parents. If they don't get it, or even get hurt, their inner longings will not be satisfied. But when we grow up, we get to project these longings onto others, such as the other half of an intimate relationship! We get to hope to fulfill our inner longings by changing the other half.

This is why so many people end up repeating the patterns of their parents in their intimate relationships.

If so, it seems that you have spent your energy and life on "people who are not good to you," while neglecting yourself and those who cherish you. Do you agree?

Think again! You also have the right to abandon others!

In your text, you don't describe much about how you get along with your boyfriend, but I can feel that being with him makes you happy! Your second boyfriend, on the other hand, you don't like. After experiencing so much pain, you have walked down the road with trauma, and your insecurity will spread from time to time. But you're strong! You'll get through this!

You are afraid of being abandoned, but there's so much more to it than that! There's also abandonment. You have the right and the strength to abandon those you don't like.

As a child, you were afraid of being abandoned and endured the pain. But now, as an adult, you can take her hand and tell her:

I can protect you, take you to abandon those who hurt us, and even abandon those I don't like! And you can learn how to get along with those we like!

You can also seek help from the resources around you to help you work together to care for and protect that child within you. There are so many ways you can do this, such as seeking help from a professional counselor, setting up a hotline on a platform for people to talk, etc. In short, remember your rights! The world and I love you!

Hello, question asker. I'm Evan.

From what the author says, it seems like she and boyfriend B have broken up and gotten back together many times. She wants to end the relationship, but she always contacts him, which makes her feel bad. She realizes that this relationship isn't giving her what she wants, but she can't leave it.

This reminds me of something I heard once about relationships: "A bad relationship is still my relationship." Maybe this relationship isn't giving the questioner what they need in terms of security and trust, but it is still their relationship, and it can give them a sense of stability.

The situation the questioner is in now is related to their original family. The biological father, biological mother, and stepfather were unable to provide the questioner with adequate care, which caused the questioner to lack a sense of security and an extreme desire for a stable emotional connection. So why is the questioner maintaining the relationship with boyfriend B? Does the questioner realize this?

I hope the OP can find the love she's looking for soon.

Since the question was posted on this platform, I'd like to offer the author a bit of advice about love and relationships.

It's important to face your emotions.

The questioner and boyfriend A have been apart for a long time, which has caused separation anxiety, so the questioner has found boyfriend B. It's clear that the questioner's emotions are pretty complex right now. Sadness, anger, frustration, anxiety, and other emotions are all still hanging around, draining the questioner's energy. It'll take some time to calm down.

The questioner needs to understand that these emotions are actually the harm caused to the questioner by their own family of origin. This means that the questioner is still stuck in the stage of longing for a stable intimate relationship and has not grown up. This is one of the reasons why the questioner cannot let go of this relationship.

All these negative emotions are exhausting for the questioner. To heal, they need to distract themselves and read some personal growth books. This will help them get out of this relationship. If you want to completely sever ties after a breakup, foreign experts in emotional psychology say that "achieving personal growth is the best way to let go of the hurt and pain of a breakup and take this opportunity to grow and understand."

Take care of yourself.

This relationship, whether it's together or apart, will cause the questioner to feel depressed. Don't start hurting yourself, drinking, overeating, or going crazy with exercise just because you're in a bad mood. Look after yourself, eat healthily, get enough sleep, and if you can, go out and have some fun, even if it's just a simple walk.

A good intimate relationship will change you a lot and maybe even help you rediscover yourself. But a bad intimate relationship will also drain your inner energy and not give you a sense of warmth. So you need to take a close look at your current relationships with Boyfriend A and Boyfriend B. What can they both bring to you?

What are your needs? If neither of these relationships is meeting your needs, you need to think carefully about what to do.

It's important to find support and comfort.

An emotional life like this can make you feel sad, angry, lost, and so on. During this time, it can help to talk to your best friends, loved ones, and people who support you to get through this difficult time in their company. If you feel that your family and friends cannot help you, you can also seek help from a professional psychologist.

A good counselor will fill in the gaps in your emotional development from childhood and help you understand your current problems and work through them. I'd suggest looking for a humanistic counselor, as they tend to be better at helping clients heal from childhood trauma. If you can find a good counselor, they can really help you work through your emotional issues.

If you're in an unhealthy relationship, it might be a good idea to take some time to distance yourself from it.

If someone is causing you a great deal of pain and you're unsure what to do about your current relationship, it might be a good idea to take some time apart. Continuing the relationship won't be good for either of you, and it won't help you move on with your life.

While you're apart from your boyfriend, it's probably best to avoid contact. You might think you can stay friends, but it's not a good idea to keep in touch right after a breakup. Wait until you're ready to face your emotions before you decide whether to reach out.

If neither of the two boyfriends is what the OP wants, they can use the time apart to figure out how to handle the relationship.

Stay busy.

Once you've had a chance to calm down a bit, it's a good idea to catch up with friends and pursue your interests. In short, don't let yourself get idle.

Everyone has a different attitude towards relationships. Even if you can't let go, you still need to get yourself moving. Keep busy with your studies, travel, and your own things, and show your boyfriend that you can live a good and wonderful life without him.

From what the OP has said, it seems like they're struggling with some emotional issues. But I think the bigger issue is their relationship with their family of origin. My advice is that if they're not able to work through these negative emotions on their own after a period of adjustment, they should consider seeking professional help. That way, they can avoid getting stuck in a negative cycle and potentially affect their future life.

I hope my answer helps the person who asked the question.