If you can't form relationships with people, how can you make friends and fit in with a group?

Hello, I'm June.

You want to build relationships with people, but you don't know how to break the awkwardness, and you often feel at a loss as to what to do. The problem the original poster is struggling with is a lot of "social phobia." It's actually very common, so don't feel bad about it.

1. Why it's tough to make friends

You mentioned that it's been tough to make friends since junior high. You left a familiar environment when you moved from elementary school to junior high, and you haven't adjusted yet. On top of the increased difficulty of learning, you feel pressure.

You bring this feeling into the process of "making friends," and your subconscious mind gets the wrong idea—that making friends is a "high-pressure" thing, which creates resistance.

When you're on your own, focus on yourself, do what you enjoy, and don't worry about what others think. Once you're used to being on your own, you might feel a bit out of place when you're back with the group.

Since you're still building your confidence, you're not sure if everyone will appreciate or support your words and actions.

2. Believe in yourself.

You can become close friends with people and talk about anything, which shows you have the ability to connect with people. Believe in yourself. Make some sacrifices at the beginning, pay more attention to others, and give them more praise, encouragement, and support.

If you give, you'll definitely get something in return.

3. Accept yourself.

I saw a discussion online recently where people were talking about how, when Tony Leung went to South Korea, he felt uncomfortable without Carina Lau by his side. He apparently preferred to hide in a corner than interact with others.

When people were discussing it, they didn't brush off his achievements because he was "socially anxious." So, as long as you don't hate being alone, there's nothing wrong with being lonely.

It's not easy to enjoy loneliness, and many people will face challenges in achieving this state throughout their lives.

I hope you find these thoughts on loneliness helpful. Best wishes!

Hello, topic starter. I can see you're feeling a bit confused, so I just wanted to give you a hug!

You're having some interpersonal issues. Let me give you a warm hug again.

I think we have a similar situation.

I'm also on the introverted side, especially when I'm around unfamiliar groups. I tend to hold back when I'm in those situations.

I do have one trick up my sleeve, though.

Read lots of jokes and learn them by heart.

So, even if I really get caught up in a situation, I can still save the day with the jokes I've prepared.

As a matter of fact, there are some techniques that can be taught to you.

When we're chatting with someone, there's no need to talk about yourself or others.

You can also talk about things like the weather, the current situation, food, hobbies, and so on.

In a group, we usually catch up on the latest news, share our thoughts on the weather, and discuss how everyone's been getting along.

These days, we can discuss how the pandemic has affected people's lives.

As a general rule, it's best to avoid controversial topics like religion or politics.

I really hope you can find a solution to the problem you're facing soon.

That's all I can think of at the moment.

I hope my answer was helpful and inspiring. I'm the respondent, and I study hard every day.

Here at Yixinli, we love you and the world. Best wishes!

Good morning, I hope this message finds you well. I just wanted to reach out and share a bit about myself. I see myself as a rooster spreading its wings, taking flight and embracing the world.

If I may, I'd like to share a personal experience that might help you understand my perspective. I, too, struggled with making friends and fitting in when I was younger. I often felt like an outsider, isolated and misunderstood. I imagine you might be going through something similar.

I wonder if I have a kind of constitution that makes me feel excluded by others. I find it challenging to get involved in a relationship and to maintain a relationship for long. Generally, our relationships tend to be on the surface level, with a feeling of being close yet distant.

It appears that there may be a concern that if I become too close to others, I may be rejected, mocked, or abandoned, which could result in emotional distress.

To gain a deeper understanding of the reasons behind this, it may be helpful to seek the guidance of a professional counselor. The Yixinli platform offers support in this regard. In this answer, I will introduce some simple methods to facilitate communication with friends and promote a smooth integration into the group.

First and foremost, it is essential to adopt a listening-oriented approach in communication. This entails initially focusing on what the other person is saying, then repeating key words, continuing to listen attentively, summarizing the main points, and occasionally expressing one's own views. This process can be summarized as "listen-repeat key words-listen-summarize-express views." It is a simple yet effective approach that can foster deeper understanding and lay the foundation for a preliminary relationship.

When it comes to integrating into a new group, it would be beneficial to observe and listen to what others say more, in order to understand the rules of the group. Specifically within a company, this includes the company's rules and regulations and unspoken agreements, which we should try to observe and understand carefully.

We can demonstrate our acceptance of these rules through our words and actions, which may then lead to our acceptance by the group. By communicating with more appropriate words and deeds, we can integrate into the group and deepen our relationship.

I hope my answer is of some help to you.

Dear Questioner, My name is Annie.

I have received your question and can discern from your words that you wish to establish relationships with others. However, you are concerned that your performance may not meet expectations and are anxious. You often feel out of place with others and want to integrate into the group as soon as possible. It seems that you are waiting for the right opportunity to take action. Show the anxious questioner support.

The questioner stated that he has historically struggled with anxiety/interpersonal-communication-problems-the-store-manager-asked-a-question-and-i-felt-looked-down-upon-whats-wrong-with-me-22745.html" target="_blank">interpersonal communication, particularly since childhood. Despite his efforts to engage with others, he often appears nervous, which hinders his ability to respond to others' enthusiasm or maintain smooth conversation flow. These past experiences have shaped his current approach, leading to heightened apprehension about speaking up in future interactions.

I am unsure if the original poster has ever observed how individuals with effective interpersonal skills engage in conversation. They may not have already formulated their thoughts before speaking, but rather speak spontaneously. For instance, they may greet the other person or exchange a few words before initiating a conversation, or they may ask the other person a question. Frequently, individuals will begin to express their own thoughts. After a few conversations and getting to know each other, they will form a connection.

The first piece of advice for the questioner is to "let go of the expectation of success or perfection."

When expectations are set in advance, preconceptions are likely to arise. At this juncture, it is natural to consider potential missteps and how the other party might perceive us.

"What if I am unable to continue the conversation?" Although you may be concerned that there is no issue, these thoughts will only increase your nervousness before the conversation and make it more challenging to respond calmly.

Furthermore, each encounter involves the same individuals or circumstances, and each represents a fresh opportunity. It is important not to allow past negative experiences to impede future progress.

Simply put, if you speak up, you will succeed.

The second piece of advice for the questioner is to observe and learn from others' methods.

The questioner indicated that they have historically encountered difficulties in social situations, which may be attributed to a lack of practice and a dearth of role models. It may, therefore, be beneficial for the questioner to observe more closely in their daily lives to gain insight into effective social behaviors and identify strategies that align better with their preferences.

For instance, in a dormitory setting, one might consider performing a favor for a roommate or purchasing them a beverage to foster a positive impression before attempting to initiate conversation. Similarly, when dining in a restaurant, it may be advantageous to seek out seating with individuals with whom you have a preexisting relationship. The atmosphere of a relaxed meal is often conducive to conversation, as it allows for a more natural flow of dialogue. Additionally, engaging in discussions in areas of expertise can be a valuable way to exchange ideas with individuals who share similar interests. Building relationships based on mutual interests can often lead to positive perceptions.

The third recommendation is to "communicate with others in a planned way."

It is not uncommon for individuals to become overly concerned about various matters, which can lead to a vicious cycle of heightened anxiety. It is therefore advisable to avoid dwelling on negative thoughts. By formulating a plan and taking gradual steps to communicate with others, individuals can enhance their communication proficiency.

It would be advisable for the questioner to set a goal for themselves and implement it, updating their progress weekly as appropriate.

As an example, at the outset of the first week, initiate contact with individuals within your existing network, including classmates, neighbors, roommates, and relatives, for a duration of ten minutes per day.

In the second week, allocate 20 minutes for daily interactions with a new contact, in addition to 10 minutes for existing relationships.

In the third week, maintain the same amount of conversation time as in the previous week and identify another contact to engage in a casual, unstructured conversation.

In the fourth week, maintain the same amount of conversation time and identify additional opportunities to connect with friends outside of scheduled interactions.

To ensure adherence to the plan, it is advisable to engage the services of an additional supervisor to monitor progress.

Good interpersonal relationships foster not only friendship and a sense of belonging, but also stimulate the birth of new ideas in communication.

Persevere. Identify a rationale for your continued effort, analogous to retrieving a misplaced item from a distance.

It is hoped that the questioner will receive greater support and confidence from interpersonal relationships.

Yi Xinli and Wo Ai Ni