I'm always worried about things that matter to me. Can this pattern be transformed?

Hello, host, I want to hug you first, then pat you gently on the back. I can understand your current mood very well, and I can also appreciate how you felt at the time. From the perspective of a prospective second-year high school student mother, I might also hope that someone would comfort me in this way! From the moment I knew I was pregnant, I knew it wasn't easy being a mother, but when my child started school, I realized that being a mother to a child who hadn't yet started school was too easy. I'm sure you've worked hard!

Upon seeing your child's final exam results, you are pleased overall. You believe that math is a significant subject on the college entrance exam, and the math score will directly affect the overall score and your child's future. However, your child is very obedient and has followed your advice to brush up on math. During the implementation of the plan, you feel that your child is not working as hard as you thought they were, which has led to some concerns about math learning and grades.

I can understand that you, as a mother, are eager to provide your child with your life experience to help her succeed in her studies. However, when your child is not cooperating, it might be helpful to observe and reflect on your own behavior. This could help you identify whether your old patterns are still the best way to interact with your child. You are really an excellent mother!

Secondly, a high school student is at a pivotal point in their development, undergoing a significant transition from adolescence to adulthood. It is not uncommon for them to feel a sense of independence, believing that they can navigate challenges on their own. However, when faced with academic difficulties, such as poor math grades, they may initially hide their concerns and seek guidance from their mother. This is an admirable step in the journey towards self-sufficiency.

The next step is a long-term process. It's important to remember that mathematics cannot be learned in one day. There will undoubtedly be times when you feel your emotions rising, when you feel your child is being uncooperative and stubborn. However, if your child is learning other subjects well, it is a testament to their strong learning ability. Every subject in high school is challenging, and learning them all is not easy. Your child just needs to follow their own inner steps. There will also be corresponding holiday mathematics learning arrangements. When we give too much guidance, we risk disrupting the rhythm of our children, which could result in various forms of uncooperation.

I have come to understand the hearts of mothers everywhere. We want to give our children everything we can, without reservation. However, if we force them to have things they don't need, it can become a burden and pressure. It is therefore important to give timely encouragement, be a good companion, and give appropriate help when the child needs it.

It is our hope that our children will grow up to be themselves. This is also our lifelong wish as parents.

I hope these words will encourage both the original poster and me.

Good morning, My name is Yu Ting, a psychological counselor and mother of two. I hope to share some of my own experiences with anxiety about my children's learning.

It is important to understand the questioner's perspective.

The primary concern expressed by the questioner is her child's performance in mathematics. The questioner's perception of the importance of mathematics learning has a significant impact on her. The use of the word "must" in the questioner's statement suggests a strong belief in the necessity of mastering mathematics. This belief may be a source of considerable pressure for the questioner. The term "must" implies a narrow path with no alternatives.

It is accurate to conclude that a lack of proficiency in any subject area will have a notable impact on the college entrance exam. You are to be commended for initiating discussions about remedial measures with your child, and your child is demonstrating a willingness to cooperate and exert effort. However, you perceive room for improvement in his performance and level of commitment. You hope that he will recognize the gravity of the situation and adopt a more urgent approach, but he has not yet done so. Instead, he is proceeding at a pace that aligns with his own understanding of the matter.

In general, one can attempt to excel in areas of personal interest, but forcing oneself to learn is ineffective. Even if one values learning, it is not a reliable strategy, and anxiety is the likely result.

When parents transfer their anxiety to their children, it can lead to feelings of oppression and rebellion, which in turn impede the child's ability to focus on their studies. At this juncture, parents may begin to question the extent to which their concerns are justified.

The solution is as follows:

From our initial conversation, I can tell that you are a perceptive and reflective mother. You have expressed your desire to find a way to transform this anxiety, and I am committed to working with you to identify a solution.

1. Gain a deeper understanding of your child.

My objective is to alleviate my current emotional state. To that end, I must first gain a deeper understanding of my child.

It is important to note that a positive attitude is essential for effective learning. It is not necessarily the case that pressure leads to optimal learning outcomes. With two years remaining to address the issue, there is no need to make it a pressing concern.

Furthermore, mathematics has consistently been a challenging subject for him. It is commendable that he is taking steps to address this, but at this stage, he may still lack sufficient motivation. This could be the reason for your perception of a lack of urgency.

I believe the sense of urgency you mentioned may be driven by your hope to see his motivation to learn. However, it's important to consider that mathematics has consistently been a challenging subject for him. Given this, it's understandable that he might find it difficult to persevere with his studies, let alone develop motivation.

Therefore, the key support your child requires at this time is encouragement.

2. Delegate responsibility for the child to the child.

At the same time, we transfer responsibility for our children back to them. Learning is their own business. Our anxiety will not help. We do what we can to provide our children with support, warmth, and a loving learning environment, and let nature take its course. Our worries and anxieties about our children, as well as excessive demands, may well become obstacles rather than motivation for them.

Securing a place at a reputable university will provide a degree of stability and ease in the long term. However, should this not be achieved, the future may present greater challenges. Nevertheless, these difficulties will ultimately be borne by the child themselves. We have fulfilled our parental responsibilities and can take comfort in this.

It is important to accept your child unconditionally, regardless of their future prospects.

The above represent my thoughts on the matter for the questioner to consider.

In light of the questioner's initiative in responding to the respondent's initial reply, I am compelled to extend my support and share some insights with the questioner, with the aim of providing additional guidance on addressing the issue at hand.

I wish the original poster the best of luck.

Hi, I'm Jingyi, a listener at Yixinli. From what you've said, it seems like you're a mom who's worried about your child's academic performance during this crucial time. It's also clear that your child's cooperation is a factor. I'm also a mom, and I have some thoughts that might help you support your child in making improvements in their studies.

First of all, if you can come to an agreement on ways to help your child in the areas where they're struggling, this is great news! It shows there's hope for improvement. For now, try not to worry about your child not having a sense of urgency or being able to achieve the desired results. This worry might be your own imagination, and it might not be true.

On the other hand, this kind of worry will also put a kind of pressure and tension on the child, making her emotional and therefore resistant.

Second, if you realize you're worrying too much, you need to adjust your mindset. It doesn't matter if the worry is real or not. If you're nervous, your worry will seem more serious and turn into anxiety. Your emotions will affect the family atmosphere and be transmitted to your child, affecting her state of mind and even distracting her from her studies. You might as well do something that helps her learn more easily, so that she can be in a relaxed and good state of mind.

I once had serious anxiety because of my child's poor academic performance. The more anxious I became, the worse he responded to me. When I calmed down, analyzed his situation, and gave him enough patience to help him plan his tutoring, study time, and entertainment time, he felt that I cared about his studies and happiness. He was willing to cooperate with me and made efforts spontaneously. In three months, his academic performance improved from poor to excellent.

So, I think the best thing you can do is relax and give your child some support. Learning can't be rushed, and a well-functioning brain is needed to acquire knowledge. If you're in a good frame of mind, you'll be better able to help your child learn.

Finally, kids also need encouragement. It's great that she took the initiative to try to fix the situation. It's best to believe that she'll keep getting better. When she's in a good frame of mind, she'll be more confident in her own abilities. A confident kid will always find a way to improve.

On the other hand, if a child is full of self-doubt and worry all day, it's not easy for them to study well.

So, from now on, you can relax a little. It's not that you don't care about her studies, but give her some space, pay moderate attention to her studies, and pay more attention to the support and even help she needs. I also hope that you will find inner peace and tranquility soon, and I look forward to seeing you and your child do better and study better.

Hello, host!

The original poster's question is so well-written and thought-provoking! It really gets to the heart of self-awareness and self-change, which shows me a mother who loves her child and is ready to take responsibility for herself. I can imagine that worrying about your child's college entrance exam is a challenge for any mother who loves her child. You've got this!

I'm so excited to share this response with you! It's a bit long, so I'll write it in two days and I really hope the original poster will take the time to read it.

It's time to change your old patterns! Start with behavior change and watch the magic happen.

The subtitle is not meant to suggest that this is the "right way," but rather to take into account the current situation and needs of the poster. There are two main reasons why this approach is so effective: first, it helps the child to engage in learning in a more positive way; second, your desire to change means you are prepared to endure more pressure and suffering, which is a great sign that you are ready to make a positive change!

Patterns are formed through imperceptible and long-lasting shaping, so real change is totally within your reach! All it takes is long-lasting and difficult efforts that require constant awareness. The first step is to seek help from a psychoanalyst, but this is probably a long process and requires other corresponding conditions. The original poster can slowly consider and understand the situation before making a decision.

So, I really recommend that the original poster start with behavior change! It might not be a quick fix, but it can have a huge impact on your child right away.

I need to explain here: the influence does not mean that the child will immediately work hard, but that your changes can at least alleviate the tension and conflict between you and your child over the topic of math learning.

The great news is that you can change your child's behavior! All you have to do is make sure that your concerns about your child's math learning don't outweigh your child's concerns about herself.

Specifically, if your child is not doing math as often or for as long as you would like, don't worry! The key is to let your child find her own rhythm. By pushing, you are showing that your concerns outweigh her own, so let's try something new!

This is an amazing opportunity for you to show your child how much you love her by taking on some of her worries. It might be tough at first, but I know your love for her will help you do it.

? This is a great opportunity to let your child learn at her own pace and trust in her ability to make progress on her own initiative. It's just that she feels and judges things differently from you, so at what point her concerns differ from yours in terms of quantity and severity. Give your child time and space, and wait patiently for her to naturally change after you change your behavior.

This also means that you cannot transfer or dump your worries on her by giving her instructions, reasoning with her, scheduling her time, or pushing her. Instead, you can choose to let her figure things out on her own! When we transfer or dump our worries on our children, we are actually just transferring or dumping our own anxieties and worries. We often think our children are at fault, lack knowledge, or do not work hard enough, but these judgments are just disguises for our own worries and anxieties. By taking responsibility for ourselves, we can let our children figure things out on their own!

In other words, the truth of the matter is that deep down inside we mothers don't want to take responsibility for our worries. But here's the good news! We can choose to shift our perspective and embrace a new way of thinking. Instead of saying "I'm doing this for your own good," we can say "I give" and let our children act and behave as they wish. This process of converting "I need" into "I give" happens subconsciously, so that we are not aware of it. It can also be said to be the wisdom of your organism – while transferring your worries to your child, you still feel like a good mother. This conversion protects you from feeling your desire to control your child and your own sense of powerlessness, which requires your child to help you alleviate your worries and anxieties.

But the child's organism also has its own wisdom! When it quickly recognizes your attempts to shift the blame and acts to defend its autonomy, conflict ensues. Of course, this process of recognition and choice also takes place in her subconscious and is difficult for her to perceive, so her response to you is also instinctive on an emotional and behavioral level. This is great because it means she's growing and learning! She may not be able to express it so clearly, but she'll get there. She might say, "Mum, you're putting your worries on my shoulders, and I can't take them."

A human being's mission is to develop into oneself! To feel for oneself, to choose for oneself, to shoulder the responsibility for oneself. It's only natural that they'd be unwilling to be controlled by others. Not all control is bad, and a lot of parental control is nurturing control. But that's another topic! When you ask her to act and speak according to your wishes, if she has been given enough time and space in the past to make her own decisions for herself, she will naturally be able to distinguish what kind of control you are exerting over her. She'll agree with the part that she believes will help her, and she'll resist the part that she intuitively feels is "harming" her.

I'm so excited to answer your questions! Let's dive right in. You mentioned that the host's two paragraphs, "Remedial measures were also discussed during the holidays, and the children all did them," and "But my concern is that my child can easily pick it up, especially when she is anxious due to worry, she will fight back and argue (sometimes it feels like she is also arguing unreasonably)," are a true portrayal of the situation. I agree! These are great examples of how to handle this tricky situation. You also asked about pushing. I think it's important to stop pushing because it can lead to some unexpected behaviors. When we push, the child may rebel and not care about distinguishing which of our controls are really for her good. This can result in our expectations not only failing but also making things worse. We want to avoid this by letting our expectations align with what's truly helpful for our child. I'm looking forward to answering more of your questions!

I'll be back tomorrow with the rest of the answers!

I love you, world! And I love you, too, my friend!

Hello, host.

Yesterday, I answered this question, and I'll continue today. Children are wise. They can tell whether their mother is offering them love or harm. If you want to see changes in your child, you must change your own behavior. Then, you must wait for the natural changes in your child.

Be aware of your concerns and find ways to soothe them yourself. Take care of yourself.

It's challenging to be objective in interpersonal relationships. I believe it's more accurate to say that interpersonal interaction information is subjective. This is why we find it difficult to grasp: there is no objective universal standard to help us judge whether our concerns are excessive or not. Whether something is excessive or not is a feeling, and human feelings have always been ambiguous.

This makes judging difficult, but understanding this helps us to stop trying to be "fair and objective and accurately judge whether it is excessive." Instead, focus on feelings. Use all the sensory antennae you have to feel your child's feelings and use her feelings as a criterion for judging whether your concerns are excessive. If she resists your giving, then that shows that you are being excessive.

This applies to other forms of giving as well as worry.

Only giving that meets the child's real needs is not excessive and respects the child's autonomy.

To be aware of your own worries or whether you are giving too much, you must put your own feelings aside and focus on your child's emotions and feelings. When you're unsure, ask your child whether your judgment is correct. For instance, if she's concentrating on her homework and you're not sure whether you should interrupt her by bringing her a glass of milk, ask her whether she needs it or when she needs it before taking action.

You must remain aware of your habitual actions and impulses of "doing for your child." Ask yourself: does she need this at the moment? This is difficult, but necessary work. It requires you to control your impulses and actions, which can feel restrictive. However, it's essential to prioritize your child's needs over your own.

You must also find ways to channel this energy out of you and into other outlets, rather than allowing it to flow out of the child.

For example, find something you like to do and stick with it, or find friends and family members who can help you relieve your emotions. The first and most important recommendation is regular and moderate physical exercise. This not only helps you burn energy, but also produces neurotransmitters such as dopamine in the brain that make you feel good, which is good for your health.

In other words, redirect the energy previously invested in the child to taking care of oneself. This is the only way to change behavior without relying solely on self-control. If you don't, the energy that cannot flow will eventually accumulate and erupt with even more destructive force, taking the child as its outlet.

Pay close attention to your child's needs, understand their difficulties, and support them.

If your child's poor performance in mathematics is not addressed, the anxiety will continue to trigger your anxiety as long as the source of anxiety remains. You need to find an effective way to solve the problem, rather than continuing to try ineffectively in the old way that caused conflict in the past. Worrying is not a sin, and you don't need to feel guilty about it.

Our perspective on children is poor. We make moral judgments and resort to simple, crude logic. If a child's grades are not as good as expected, we assume they are not trying hard enough. A loving mother like you would also think the child doesn't value it enough because they don't understand it. You are willing to understand your child, but you are not alone in this.

A person must have knowledge, willingness, and ability to do something well.

The child knows that being bad at math is not good for them. They are willing to put in the effort to turn the situation around and they have the ability to do what needs to be done. When these three conditions are met, the child will be fully engaged, not afraid of difficulties, and persevere towards their goal.

Let's be real: learning is complicated. Take math, for example. A child may know they're not good at it, but what's really going on? They're willing to work hard, but what challenges do they face, what strengths do they have, and can they overcome these hurdles? These are crucial questions. For the child, this is a challenging journey, and often requires expert guidance. It's not just about pushing themselves against math textbooks and test questions to improve.

She must also learn to balance her time and energy, face her emotions, and regulate her emotions when encountering difficulties and setbacks. These all have a significant impact on learning. Children are inherently people with developing minds, lacking knowledge and understanding of themselves and what they are learning. Without trial and error, guidance, and relevant training, it is very difficult to effectively improve academic performance.

This is precisely where children need adults. Mothers must abandon the perspective of "work, work, and work hard" and "if you don't study hard, you won't get good grades." Instead, they should focus on the difficulties their children encounter.

Believe in your child's desire to grow. Every child wants to be good at school. She just needs to learn to identify her specific problem and the method she can use to solve it.

Mommy should discuss her difficulties and solutions with her child, comfort her when she is frustrated and depressed, give her space, and allow her to adjust slowly. In other words, focus on your child's needs, who is solution-oriented, and support her with warm companionship throughout the process. Don't judge her.

This frees up the bandwidth of your child's brain network, eliminating the distractions of fear, embarrassment, and criticism. This allows them to focus on learning, problem-solving, and discovering new solutions. This is the key to effectively improving academic performance. The obstacle to academic performance in mathematics is often not the mathematical obstacle itself, but other obstacles surrounding mathematics. These include mom's worries and expectations, the teacher's harshness and criticism, peer comparison and disdain, and more.

You must allow your child to take their time, and you must allow yourself to take yours. Make mistakes, set a good example, and let your child learn from them. The chain of your "long-lasting things" may be broken between you and your child.

Above. The world and I love you.

P.S. To the mothers who have the strength of will to end relationship patterns and break the intergenerational chain of inheritance, I salute you!

Good morning,

I am here to offer you a supportive embrace, no matter the distance between us, to help you feel a little stronger. I can sense your anxiety and tension, your worry and fear... I once experienced similar feelings as a mother, constantly concerned that my child might not perform well in English. In the end, that's exactly what happened.

I wonder if I might mention that it seems to be the case that the more we worry about something happening, the more likely it is to happen. This is a famous psychological phenomenon in psychology – Murphy's Law.

I believe this is what is known as Murphy's Law, which I have found to be a useful concept from Baidu Baike.

If there are two or more potential avenues for action,

And if one of the options could potentially lead to an unfavorable outcome,

It is likely that someone will make that choice.

If I might humbly offer my perspective, I believe that the fundamental content is that if something has the potential to go wrong,

It is possible that even the smallest possibility may eventually become a reality.

You say, "And until the result is measured, there is no way of knowing whether it was the right thing to do. So even though it's something I do every day, I'm still a little concerned."

You are concerned that your strategy may not be as effective as you had hoped, and that you may still face challenges in learning mathematics. I understand your concerns, and I want to reassure you that what you are worried about is likely to happen.

You say, "But my worries are easily picked up by my child, especially when I get anxious and impatient, she rebels and argues with me..."

It's possible that your worries are affecting your child's mood, making her irritable and unable to concentrate on her studies. Would you say that's the state you'd like her to be in? Do you think she can study properly in this state?

It's possible that your worries are having a negative effect on your child. It seems that you may be inadvertently putting pressure on your child.

So, what can we do to help?

You might be interested in reading the book "Believe in the Power of Belief." It is a summary of the experiences of Ms. Xu Li, who went to Denmark twice to conduct educational observations.

Perhaps you've heard of the Law of Attraction? It's a psychological phenomenon that emphasizes the impact of belief on us.

The Law of Attraction suggests that our beliefs have the power to influence the outcomes we experience in life.

It is thought that what you believe in, you will attract. This is according to the Baidu Encyclopedia.

It might be helpful to get a professional teacher to create a learning plan for your child.

It may be helpful to trust your child's ability to learn, as this could potentially lead to success in other subjects as well as mathematics.

It may be helpful to consider ways of enhancing your child's self-confidence and offering encouragement and positive suggestions.

You may find that your child's efforts are rewarded with good results if you believe in them.

It may be helpful to consider adjusting your emotions and accompanying your child with a positive attitude.

It might be helpful to remember that even if you encounter setbacks in your studies, you should try to maintain a positive attitude. You can do your best and trust that things will work out in the end. Give full play to your potential and do your best, and you will have no regrets!

At the beginning, I mentioned that I had experienced similar feelings as a mother. Over time, I was able to identify the root cause of my anxiety, relax, have faith in my child, and give him the trust he needed. I'm happy to share that my son is thriving in college and has made significant progress in his English skills. I hope that my experience can offer you some encouragement and inspiration.

Wishing you the very best! Time and I love you!