I'm extremely afraid of her betrayal, and it feels like an important suffocating sensation. What should I do?

Hello, question asker!

You and your wife have been in love since high school and have undoubtedly shared many beautiful memories. Despite her infidelity on numerous occasions, you still entered into marriage. There must be something about her that attracted you and made you choose to forgive.

I don't know how long you've been married or how life has been since then, but I'm going to give you my opinion anyway, because I think it will be helpful.

You discovered that she recently contacted another man via WeChat. This man is someone she had been in contact with before, and she has deleted the chat messages and changed the comments so that you won't find out. This makes you feel scared. You feel like you are going to lose something. You have considered divorcing her, but you don't know if this is really how you feel.

This incident has clearly had a profound impact on you, and it's evident that you're unsure of how to respond.

You said you don't know what you really think. I think you were shocked by the incident at the time. You didn't expect your wife to still be in contact with the boys she had previously been in contact with. She even found ways to deceive you, which you really couldn't accept. You were in a state of chaotic unease, so it's normal that you couldn't think clearly. Anyone who has suffered a major blow will react in this way. So afterwards, did you ever think about what you cared about?

What is indispensable to you? What about her made you particularly dependent, and would you be more upset if you lost it?

You should have thought about this in your previous conflicts. Otherwise, you would not have insisted on getting married.

Tell me, how did you handle your wife's betrayal in the past? You took the initiative to discover it and then demanded that she sever her relationship with those boys. Did she give you her word that she would do so?

If she went back on her word and looked at you lovingly while continuing to be ambiguous with others, no one could stand it. It's understandable that you've considered divorce.

If you keep tolerating her betrayals and don't make her realize how much you care and how deeply these things hurt you, will you still choose to remain silent and bear it alone this time? Have a good talk with her.

You say you want to make her less important in your heart. But are you thinking of giving up on the marriage, or are you choosing to ignore her betrayal to make yourself feel better? Either way, you are the one who is responsible for your choice.

You must become independent in your life and your thinking to reduce her weight in your heart.

If you're not great at taking care of yourself and she is, you need to learn to cook, do the laundry, and take care of other basic household tasks so you can live well without her help.

If you usually stay at home except for work and don't have much social interaction, you need to get out there and do things you enjoy with other people. Make friends, play sports, read, play chess, whatever you like. Find the meaning of a rich life in other people.

Or perhaps you appreciate her ability to praise others, and you crave a similar sense of identity. You may not receive the same level of support and praise from others. In that case, you need to assess whether your work abilities can garner recognition or praise from your colleagues and leaders. If so, showcasing your strengths in front of others can also boost your satisfaction and value. If not, it's time to invest in yourself, build your capabilities, and dedicate more energy to your personal growth. Don't rely on your wife alone.

Best wishes!

Hello, host. Have an open and honest conversation with your significant other.

You care about her, but she's been flirting with other guys since you were dating. You stuck with her, and you got married. Maybe your persistence moved her. But, according to your description, it seems like she doesn't care about you as much as you care about her. She still flirts with other guys.

Let's be clear: having an affair while married is wrong. It's also a sign of irresponsibility. She's probably looking for new stimulation after feeling unloved in this marriage.

In a marriage, the two people need to learn from each other and grow together. Each person must face their own inner stubbornness and dissatisfaction, and learn to be more considerate and respect each other. She has clearly not got the energy to do this, and has sought a more convenient way that also provides instant gratification: being ambiguous.

You were once very good to her and cared about her a lot. You gave her the illusion that even if she became intimate with another guy, you would continue to tolerate her and love her. But that's over. You need to tell her about your dissatisfaction and grievances, your unwillingness and sadness. She needs to know that you can't stand such behavior at all!

This is exactly what you think, isn't it?

There's no need to argue or take things for granted. Have a good chat. It's something you can do when you're both calm. Talk about your feelings. Find out if you still have expectations and love for the marriage.

If you choose to separate, simply ignore everything I've said.

Hello, question asker. I can see you're feeling confused, and I'm here to give you a hug!

It's okay, you are now experiencing some marital problems. She gives you a warm hug again.

I'm really sorry to hear that she cheated on you not just once, but twice! That must have been really tough. And it's so unfair that she did it after you got married and she started working.

I'm really sorry to hear that. So, what made you enter into marriage with her?

Oh, dear. Now she has added back the friends she previously deleted.

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I'd love to help you understand what she's trying to tell you.

It means she doesn't have you in her heart, sweetie.

If so, I'd love to know why you're still with her.

I'm sure there's a saying that goes, "A good horse doesn't eat its own hay," right?

I really think you should be strong and get a divorce!

I really hope you know what to do after reading this!

However, no matter what you decide, I just want to remind you to follow your heart.

I know it can be really tough to move on from a relationship when you feel like your partner has betrayed you. It's not always easy to forget the hurt and pain you've experienced.

If you feel like you just can't forget her, don't worry! There are other ways you can try.

Another great idea is to write her a formal farewell letter. There's no limit on the number of words or length, so you can really let your feelings out!

Another method you might find helpful is the "empty chair technique."

The "empty chair technique" is a great way to get things off your chest. All you have to do is sit in a chair and imagine she's sitting in an empty chair. Then, you can tell her everything you want to say, including the insults and all those negative emotions.

If you're not sure how to use the "empty chair technique" described above, it's a great idea to seek help from a professional counselor.

A counselor is great for this! They can adopt a third-party perspective without a critical eye or an objective attitude. This allows them to give you advice that is more pertinent, useful, and constructive.

I really hope you can find a way to solve your problem soon.

I hope these things help you! I can only think of these things now.

I really hope my answers have been helpful and inspiring to you! I am the answer, and I study hard every day.

Here at Yixinli, we love you, the world and I! Wishing you all the best!

My dear, I'm sending you a warm hug from afar, hoping it'll bring a little warmth to your soul.

I totally get why the poster is afraid of losing her and being cheated on.

The worst thing that can happen in a relationship is to be betrayed. It's a huge shock and hurts a lot.

We'll meet all kinds of people in this world and in our lifetime.

Some people are here to help us, while others are more of a challenge.

It's the person I care about most who's caused me the most pain.

If we understand this, take it easy, let her go from the heart, and maybe we can feel a little better.

Maybe you'll say, "If you try, can you say that you can look at it lightly and let it go if you say you can let it go?"

Absolutely. Someone who has loved with all their strength cannot simply let go and take it easy.

But if you're afraid, if you're obsessed, if you're struggling, will you be able to win the other person back?

Even if you manage to win her back for now, can you really be sure she won't make the same mistake again in the future?

The first thing you need to figure out is whether you can handle such a girl.

What's the psychology behind those who betray their partners and why do they treat their partners this way?

Another common psychological phenomenon is that people don't value what's easily attainable.

You don't like the people who are good to you, but you'll miss the one you can't have.

It's only after something's gone that you realize how good it was, and then you regret it. That's why people always remember their exes.

You're not happy with what you've got.

So, don't hold back those who want to leave, don't stop those who want to come, and let things take their natural course. This will make your life much easier.

Your current situation is like trying to swim upstream, which is pretty painful.

Everything is in your mind. You cause your own suffering, and you can also relieve it.

I hope the questioner will soon find a way to move on from this.

I just wanted to say that I love you and I wish you all the best in life!

Hello, question asker!

After reading your account, I can tell that you have a healthy fear of betrayal. It's like a knife hanging over your head, and you're ready for it to fall and cut you. As you said, in high school, she cheated on you with someone else, and then there were two similar situations when you were working. Anyone who encounters such a situation will have a lot of complex emotions: anger, fear, confusion, wanting to let go but unable to... So in the process of being with her, you may have been on edge the whole time, anxious and uneasy, always on guard against the other person betraying you again.

Have you heard of the "polar bear effect"? It's a fascinating psychological phenomenon! The more you try to forget something, the more you can't forget it. It's like the polar bear. We really hope we don't have to think about the polar bear, but when we do, it's easy to see lots of evidence. We start to imagine the other person as the polar bear, and before we know it, we've turned them into one!

This is why it's so important to understand that the more people fear being betrayed, the more likely they are to be betrayed. It's not so much the fear of being betrayed that causes harm, but the harm caused by betrayal that is more frightening.

I'd love to know more about why you say that!

1. Fear of being compared

What people find most intolerable is that, for example, their partner meets someone outside, and that person may be inferior to them in every way, but their partner still chooses to be with that person.

This is a humiliation for people who fear betrayal. Their self-worth is instantly trampled on, as if they were worthless. It is a deep sense of disapproval or abandonment.

2. The thrilling fear of losing control!

Cheating is all about going off the beaten track and embracing the unknown. It's about taking the plunge and letting go of the reins. It's about saying, "I'm ready to break free and explore new horizons."

It's like the second boot in the story "The Boots Come Off." Once both boots have been thrown, it's over. But if you wait for the second boot and it never comes, that's the most torturous part of the process—and it's also the most exciting part!

So, how can you change this state of mind?

First, take your eyes off the other person, improve yourself, find your character weaknesses, and overcome them. Strive to improve yourself in all aspects, so that you become more and more radiant. When you naturally shine with your own light, she will naturally come to you. At that time, she will be the one worrying about you being "snatched" away by someone else.

Why would she have the time to chat with other people?

2. Learn to distinguish between your fears

Guess what! Our fears are often just our own creations. We imagine things to be real and then get totally immersed in our fears.

The great news is that those worries and fears are all your own, and they are not necessarily real in the world.

So, the first step to making a change is to face your fears head-on!

For example, when you start worrying again that your partner will cheat on you, try asking yourself: What's going on with me? Why do I have these thoughts? And then, get excited about the answers!

Are these thoughts real? What could I possibly gain by thinking this way?

Now for the fun part! Compare these thoughts with reality and see how much of what you think is true and how much you are just scaring yourself.

3. Go and really explore your inner unease!

Have you ever wondered whether your fears and insecurities are really about the other person or whether they come from deep within yourself? It's a fascinating question!

We say that the prototype of an intimate relationship is the relationship we had with our mother as a baby. It's time to find out how your relationship with your mother was when you were 0–2 years old. You'll be amazed at what you discover! Was your mother able to take care of you?

For example, things like crying, immediately coming over to comfort, feeding, changing diapers, etc.! In what kind of situation did you tremble before?

Now, think about this: what does this remind you of? And how do you feel about your mother?

If it affects your life and work, it is definitely time to talk to a professional!

Wishing you all the best!

Hello, question asker!

It sounds like you are very anxious and restless because you are worried about your wife's betrayal, right?

I'd love to know more about the foundation of your relationship with your wife! Why do you refer to her as "she"?

You can clearly feel your over-sensitivity because you found out that your wife secretly deleted the chat.

The record is driving you crazy, and your heart is full of conflict.

On the one hand, you are afraid of your wife leaving you, so you are holding back. On the other hand, you are afraid of your wife cheating on you,

You can't stand it, so you're in a dilemma, full of conflict and anxiety.

You can totally understand your behavior and anxiety in the present!

Perhaps you care too much about your wife, which is great! You devote all your attention and energy to her, which is wonderful!

So her words and deeds, her communication and contact with outsiders, seem to have a grip on every nerve in your body—and you love it!

What does your wife think of you? Does she think you are clingy or

Do you have a strong desire to control her? Because have you noticed something really interesting!

It's possible that your suspicion is related to your subjective assumptions!

Have you ever wondered why your wife deleted her chat history with other people?

This behavior may be related to your "projective identification," which is a fascinating concept!

When you suspect your wife of having an affair, you start looking for evidence to support your hypothesis.

And the wife, not wanting your worries to become a basis for you to attack her, becomes cautious.

And then, in an unexpected twist, this becomes evidence of your suspicion of her, just as the saying goes, "the more you cover up, the more obvious it becomes."

Perhaps it would be a great idea for you to take some time to reflect and realize that...

Guess what! All your anxiety and worry might be due to:

Are you taking imagined bad things as real?

Or could it be that you're imagining more catastrophes than there really are?

In addition, tell your wife about your worries and sensitivities in an open and honest manner. This is the best way to get things off your chest!

Open and honest communication and exchange can make you feel a little more comfortable!

But there's a chance that your excessive sensitivity and suspicion of your wife's misdeeds may be your own fabricated "imaginary enemy"!

I'm excited to share this analysis with you as a reference! I'm counselor Yao, and I'm here to support you every step of the way!

Good day.

As a heart exploration coach, I believe that learning is the key to achieving optimal physical health.

From your description, I can discern the presence of several negative emotions, including worry, fear, anger, frustration, pain, and helplessness.

I will not delve into the specifics of your concerns regarding your wife's infidelity. However, I would like to offer three pieces of advice:

Firstly, it is recommended that you attempt to accept your current situation.

This will provide some relief and allow you to consider your next steps.

You have indicated that you are concerned about your wife's fidelity due to her previous infidelity during your dating period and a similar incident at work. Recently, you discovered that she was communicating with an individual on WeChat and deleted the chat history, which caused you significant distress. You are uncertain whether your primary concern is the potential loss of your wife or the difficulty in accepting her betrayal. You have expressed a desire to reduce her importance in your life, but you are unsure of the best approach. It is understandable that you have these feelings, as everyone desires their partner to love, trust, and be loyal to them exclusively. Additionally, your wife has engaged in infidelity on multiple occasions. It is essential to acknowledge and accept these emotions to free up mental energy for more constructive pursuits. Otherwise, your mind will be consumed by negative emotions, hindering your ability to make sound decisions.

It is also important to allow yourself to accept your current situation, as this will facilitate the promotion of change in the status quo. This may seem contradictory, but it is a fundamental principle that change is based on allowing for no change.

Secondly, I recommend that you adopt a rational perspective on your own situation.

This will assist you in gaining a deeper understanding of yourself and the situation at hand.

It is important to maintain a rational outlook. It is essential to recognize that the current situation can be altered, as you have the capacity to make changes.

When you take the initiative and make a change, your mindset and attitude toward the situation will also change.

When viewed from this objective perspective, the various negative emotions may be mitigated to some extent.

Thirdly, it would be beneficial to focus on your own well-being and consider ways to improve your personal situation.

As a hypothetical exercise, consider what you would do if she were to betray you. Use the worst-case scenario method to prepare for the worst while identifying a direction for your next efforts, which may help you feel more in control.

If you find that your initial response is to consider divorce after attempting the aforementioned methods, it indicates that you are unable to accept being betrayed. At this juncture, it is advisable to assess the pertinent aspects of divorce and to take steps to achieve a state of relative composure.

If you have reached the point of understanding the full extent of the betrayal and are still undecided on the matter of divorce, it is likely that you are struggling with the idea of letting her go and are concerned about losing her. At this juncture, it may be helpful to focus on the present and consider ways to improve the relationship.

This is an opportunity to communicate with her in a sincere manner and express your true feelings. This will achieve two things: first, you may discover that she has not really betrayed you, but is simply getting closer to a certain man; second, she will see that you care about her, and will stop cheating on you. There is a positive potential for the development of your relationship. However, when communicating with her, you must remain calm and level-headed, without judgment or emotion, and without dredging up the past. Only in this way will she be able to "hear" your words and change.

It is important to be prepared for the possibility that she will not change. After communicating with her sincerely, if she still chats with boys and deceives you, it may be necessary to accept the reality of the situation. Even if you do not divorce, your mood may improve as a result of no longer having expectations of her, and without expectations, there is no longer any hurt.

It is also important to accept your own shortcomings, accept what cannot be changed, and change what can be changed. When you make targeted efforts to become a better person, your inner strength will grow, which will also be beneficial for your relationship. This is because you will value yourself more highly, and she will not have such a strong influence on you. It is not necessary to completely stop caring about her, but it is important to care more about yourself. In short, you need to know that you can do something to improve the situation.

Once action is initiated, negative emotions will gradually dissipate as they are confronted and addressed. In many cases, taking action is the most effective method for overcoming negative emotions.

I hope this information is helpful to you. If you would like to discuss further, please click on "Find a Coach" at the bottom of the page and I will contact you directly.

Hello,

I'm happy to be able to give you some advice.

From what you've told me, I get the impression that you're a very sentimental person. You and your wife have been together since high school, and this school romance has continued after you grew up. I think this is pretty rare, and I believe you also cherish it very much.

It's just that your wife has been unfaithful to you since she was a student, contacting other men behind your back.

And when you started working later on, there were two similar incidents. In fact, you saw all these actions of hers, and at the same time, you felt a little uncomfortable inside.

I'm curious about how you handled these three instances of betrayal. Did you discuss them with your girlfriend at the time?

Or did you just put up with it on your own?

As your relationship developed and later on, to the extent of marriage, what was the reason for your decision to marry her? Was it because you both cared about each other?

Or maybe you've been together for a while, you're of marriageable age, and your parents are on board with the idea. It's worth thinking back on this, because after all, she has betrayed you three times in the past. It's not fair, so you'll always have doubts. You just tell yourself that you're processing your thoughts, that maybe your girlfriend has a reason, or that your girlfriend has been honest about her mistake and you've forgiven her.

If you forgave her and decided to marry her because of these reasons, you'd expect a woman who's married to be more loyal and considerate. So, you've reached this stage now. I suggest you reflect on this past period before marriage and understand what these three betrayals mean to you.

Can you truly forgive her from the bottom of your heart? Do you really not mind these things?

After thinking about it, let's look at what's going on now that you're married.

You're already married, so what does it mean when you find that she's chatting with a guy again and has deleted the chat history? It shows that your wife knows she did something wrong, so she's deleting it.

You also noticed that this person was a friend she deleted before, and she even changed the notes to avoid you from getting some wild ideas. All these actions show that your wife is uneasy inside and doesn't want to do this, but maybe because of some feelings in her heart or a lack of emotional patterns, she did such inappropriate things.

But your wife might just realize that she did something wrong, but she forgets to think about what you think after you know.

And you know that afterwards, you've already shown signs of sweating and trembling uncontrollably. The more you think about it, the worse it gets. This shows that your feelings about her betrayal are combined with previous experiences, which have triggered underlying emotions and thus manifested an actual state.

These betrayals hurt you a lot. When this situation arises, you're not sure if you're afraid of losing

Or you can't accept the betrayal, and you feel pretty mixed up. In this case, I think it's fair to say that your past experiences of her betraying you three times are relevant.

Because before, you may not have fully accepted that she cheated on you, but now that it has happened again, your inner fear or anger from that time has manifested itself. So I also mentioned above: you need to review how you viewed these experiences before you got married.

We can only really understand what's going on here if we take a look at it. Is this anger, fear of loss, or an inability to accept betrayal?

Now you're thinking about divorcing her, but you have a lot of concerns and aren't sure if this is the right decision.

Right now, you're hoping your wife will lighten up a bit. It's not ideal that this has happened. You'd even prefer it to just pass quietly, or you're struggling to accept this. I think it's possible.

You care a lot about your wife and don't want to forget her, especially since you've been together for so long. I'm not sure what to do.

Given the circumstances, I recommend you have an open conversation with your wife. You can express your understanding of her current situation and explain that you're now in a married relationship, not just like children in a relationship.

A husband-and-wife relationship means that you have to work together to run your life and marriage, and in the future you will have children. This family model needs to be built and managed by the two of you together.

Maybe your wife feels insecure in the relationship because you find her dating other people when you're together. Even though what she's doing is wrong, does that mean she lacks security?

Is it possible that she wants to receive some love or attention from you, but she doesn't show it? It's also possible that there's some miscommunication between the two of you, which leads to misunderstandings.

So you can show her that you understand this, but don't argue with her emotionally or express your sadness emotionally. I think it would be best to explain what you know and what you know, and discuss with her whether both of you need to make a change to reverse the situation.

I get the sense that you love your wife very much and want to spend the rest of your life with her. Your wife's current actions also seem to show that she still has feelings for you, like when she deletes chat history and even changes her nickname.

She just needs to figure out what's going on inside herself. Once she does that, she'll be able to become more emotionally mature.

This way, with your help, she'll move from her current immature state to a more mature one, and you'll be able to connect with her on the same level, which will help your relationship grow.

All the best to you!

If you want to keep talking, just click "Find a coach" in the top right or bottom of the page, and I'll get back to you directly.

One Psychology Q&A Community, World, and I Love You: https://m.xinli001.com/qa

Hello,

From what you've told me, it seems like the pain caused by her previous betrayal of you hasn't healed yet. You're very afraid of something like this happening again, and you're worried about what the consequences might be.

Hugging you as you feel your confusion and pain.

You're stuck in the relationship, but you're also not sure about moving forward. It's a tough spot to be in.

But in any case, things have to be resolved. So let's try to think of a solution.

Before you tackle the issue, you can ask yourself a question: Which is your goal, to be happy yourself or to make others happy in the long run? You can choose whichever way you are used to; there is no right or wrong.

You mentioned you've thought about divorce, but have you considered the consequences? Divorce is a big deal, and you need to think through a lot of things before making this decision.

For example, can you emotionally accept leaving her? And a divorce may also involve issues such as property and children, as well as having to face the disappointment of your parents and the judgment of the world. You really need to think about all these issues before making a decision.

You've got another option, though, other than divorce. If you still like him a lot and can't bear the thought of leaving her, you need to think about the following question:

How can you accept her?

My advice to you is that you first work through the hurt caused by her past betrayal. This can be done through honest communication between you both to understand what led to her emotional departure and to avoid a recurrence of similar situations. It can also be achieved through your own personal growth.

Nobody's perfect, and relationships aren't either. We all have to accept that life isn't always perfect.

The second point is communication. Talk about the current situation and your future plans. You need to figure out if your needs and expectations for the future are the same, and if you can see yourself spending the future together.

The third point is to enhance the relationship. If the goals of both parties are aligned, the two can do more to enhance the relationship and save more for the relationship savings account.

Since they're stuck together, they should make the best of it and live a happy life together.

Wishing you the best.