I'm not good at sensing my feelings and defending myself. How can I improve?

From a young age, it would have been helpful if your mother had taught you how to recognize and deal with your emotions. Instead, it seems that she treated you like a dumping ground for her own emotions, without considering whether you, as a young child, could process those emotions.

If I may be so bold, I would like to offer you a warm hug from afar.

When we receive stimulation from an outsider or an event, we may feel uncomfortable and find it challenging to express our inner feelings. It can be difficult to consider others out of kindness, which can result in a lack of emotional expression. Over time, this can lead to a sense of emotional suppression.

It is true that any emotion needs an outlet. If you choose to suppress it, avoid seeing it, or release it, you may eventually become more aggrieved, lonely, and miserable. It is possible that a small incident could set you off.

Let's take a moment to consider some ways we can improve our mood.

First, when you encounter an event that makes you feel bad, it's important to remember that it doesn't matter what kind of experience it is or how you behaved at the time. Whether you held your tongue or lost your temper, it's essential to acknowledge your feelings. When you're alone, take out a piece of paper and a pen (any format is fine, as long as you can write on it; you can also use your phone).

1. If I may suggest, perhaps it would be helpful to start by writing down what happened at the time.

2. Could you please describe your thoughts at the time?

3. Could you please describe the feelings that the event evoked in you?

Following this procedure should help you gain a general understanding of the objective event. This will enable you to determine whether the event itself is reasonable, or whether the bias, accusations and judgments of the messenger are the root of the problem.

If it is reasonable, then perhaps we could focus on the solution to the objective event, improve it, and go for it. The objective event then comes to an end.

If her accusations and prejudices are unreasonable, then that is her problem. We don't need to pay for her shortcomings, do we? (Of course, it is difficult to do so, and it takes a lot of practice to achieve the effect of separating issues.)

The final step is to examine how you feel in these situations and identify whether your emotions are influenced by your own automatic thinking. It's important to recognize that your feelings at these moments are not necessarily a reflection of the event itself or the actions of others.

I would gently encourage you not to underestimate the power of language. Once you have taken the time to reflect on the above analysis and express it in your own words, even if you just speak to yourself at first, you will gradually be able to accurately express what you think, feel and want in your interactions with others.

Finally, I would like to respectfully suggest that it may be beneficial to consider whether there are individuals in your immediate circle who exhibit behaviors similar to those described. These individuals may be perceived as refined egoists, and for those who tend to overthink the actions of others, observing their interactions could offer valuable insights. By observing how they navigate events, we may gain a deeper understanding of how to express ourselves with confidence and grace.

Wishing you the best, Yanning Ning

We would be honored to accompany you on your journey of self-growth.

Good day, my name is June.

You likely faced significant challenges during your upbringing, often acting as a receptacle for your mother's emotions. I am deeply moved by your resilience. My child, you have worked hard!

In the current era, as we have matured and become accustomed to tolerating certain situations, we often lack the ability to defend ourselves or assert our rights when we are attacked. This can result in feelings of frustration and isolation.

1. Disengage from emotional responses, assess the situation logically, and practice articulating your thoughts.

As a child, you likely faced your mother's questioning or bad moods. Despite your innocence, you may have chosen to endure these situations to avoid upsetting her. Now, if you encounter conflict and feel angry or uncomfortable, you can take the following steps:

1. Disengage from emotional response.

Affirm to yourself that you are not obliged to tolerate the situation, but that you are capable of responding in a considered and effective manner.

2. Organize the logic.

"Why did you say that about me/to me? What is your rationale?" When examining the other party's rationale, it may become evident that there are underlying issues. If there are no underlying issues, then respond to the other party's rationale.

3. Practice articulating your thoughts and opinions.

If the opportunity arises, present the thoughts you have organized to the other person. This will facilitate clarification of any misunderstandings and foster a stronger relationship.

If there is no suitable opportunity, then practice in front of a mirror or set up two chairs in the room, one to represent you and the other to represent your partner. One person should play two roles, asking questions and answering them.

2. Have confidence in yourself and accept yourself.

When you were younger, you required your mother's care and support, so tolerating her bad mood was a combination of kindness and fear, stemming from your concern about her potential departure. It was also a means of compensating for your father's inability to fulfill his responsibilities.

It would have been more appropriate for your mother to have vented her bad mood and confided in your father, but he did not fulfill this responsibility. You therefore took on this responsibility for your father.

My child, your tolerance is not a sign of incompetence. It is, in fact, a sign of kindness and bravery. You have already demonstrated a level of maturity and resilience that even your father could not achieve.

3. Transform tolerance into problem-solving.

When you were younger, you lacked the capacity to resolve issues, so you had to simply endure them. Now that you're an adult, you're more capable than you were as a child. When you encounter your mother's negative mood, can you identify her needs in her sharing and expressing her frustration?

The optimal solution is to address the issue in a manner that aligns with her needs.

It is understandable that this may be challenging initially, but with consistent effort and a gradual approach, success is achievable. Best regards!

Hello, I'm Erhu! Let me give you a hug first. I'm so excited to help make you feel a little happier!

I've summarized your question, and I'm excited to help you! The main issue is that you've been feeling depressed for too long, and now you want to release it but can't.

This is something that many people experience after they have been depressed for too long. Some people become very emotional just thinking about unhappy things, and they simply cannot put their suffering into words in a clear way. But there is a way to overcome this!

So when we encounter such situations, the first thing we do is not "find someone to talk to," but rather find a way to let off some steam. My method is to "keep a diary," and it's a great way to let it all out!

Now, let me tell you about the amazing benefits of keeping a diary!

Amazingly, psychologists have proven that when we write out our negative emotions in a "diary," it can help us release them!

This is where the magic really happens! The effect of "writing in a diary" is especially powerful for those negative emotions that we've never shared with anyone and have been keeping hidden for a long time.

Let me tell you about the amazing "writing a diary" method!

It's important to note that when keeping a diary, it's best not to write in a "running account" style. Instead, take the time to clearly describe the whole thing, including the causes and consequences, and describe in as much detail as possible how you feel at this moment in time, and what kind of thoughts and experiences it brings you. This is a great opportunity to engage in some self-analysis!

You might feel a little strange at first, but don't worry! After just five or six days, you'll feel so much better. You'll have released some of that pent-up stress, and you'll be ready to talk to someone about your emotions.

If you want to talk to someone, go ahead and find someone you trust who is willing to listen! Don't pour out all your worries at once, just talk about what's bothering you at the time.

In the long run, you can also talk to your parents about your worries. Of course, if you don't think they will understand you, you can wait to talk about it. Just don't keep all your emotions bottled up inside!

That's all I have to say! It may take a while, but it's totally safe and effective, and it should be able to deal with general emotional suppression. Finally, I wish you an early release of your emotions and a relaxed attitude towards your future life!

Hello, questioner!

You have analyzed yourself clearly and identified the root cause of your inability to express your feelings and defend yourself. This journey requires not only knowledge and consultation but also tremendous courage and strength. I believe you already possess these qualities, just as I do.

Will understanding the subconscious mind lead to change?

Psychoanalysis says otherwise.

Some psychological mechanisms cause harm but also have benefits. A child's extreme inferiority complex caused by parental disapproval (harm) also gives the child a sense of belonging to a family (benefit).

New experiences are essential for change.

Take the common "original family," for example. It often becomes the scapegoat. The most typical case is a pair of brothers who grew up in a family with a father who was an alcoholic with a history of domestic violence. After adulthood, the younger brother's life was a mess. He kept saying, "With such a father, what can I do?"

This piqued the interest of psychologists, who subsequently learned about my brother's situation in order to analyze the impact of family on a child's life. My brother's transformation into a family man with children, living a life starkly different from the turbulent marital state of his parents, was nothing short of remarkable. When asked about this, my brother often expresses: "Having such a father, every time I get frustrated, I remind myself, 'I won't be like my father!'

My brother chose not to repeat the coping mechanisms he got used to during his growth process. With each new attempt, no matter how small, he accumulated, and he has a very different life state from his parents.

From this perspective, I challenge you to try telling yourself, "I don't want to hear her complain," the next time you clearly feel uncomfortable.

The next time, say, "I can't take all this complaining anymore."

Next time, say it like it is: "I can't take it anymore. I need to go away for a while. I'll come back when I'm better." Then, leave and let yourself recover.

...

This is similar to desensitization training. Each new attempt may not be as simple as what I have written, but you will gain valuable and meaningful experiences from each one.

If you feel powerless or helpless during the process of trying new things, seek the company of a counselor with a background in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). CBT is an effective treatment for behavior change. It's worth trying!

Hello, my name is Liang Qingyou.

If I may suggest, perhaps it would be helpful to give yourself a hug as a child.

It is important to remember that when your mother pours out her emotional garbage to you, who are still a child, the roles of the two of you have quietly switched.

It seems that the mother has become a child, and the young child, who needs her mother for safety, care, encouragement, and love, is forced to take her place.

It may be the case that a person who blames their children for their life is unhappy and has difficulty considering the feelings of others.

Your energy is being drained by your mother, which is why you feel like you're always in debt and powerless. You also feel like you can't speak up when you encounter something that makes you angry or uncomfortable.

Perhaps it's because a child who has been treated like an adult for a long time thinks they are an adult and can no longer accept confiding in someone like a child.

How might the situation be improved?

It would be beneficial for you to try to avoid spending time with people who tend to complain about trivial matters in every situation. It might also help to physically distance yourself from your mother and find a position where you feel comfortable and can care for her, in order to reduce her influence.

Secondly, when your mother complains to you, you empathise with her. Perhaps it would be helpful to gently remind her that her complaints are difficult for you to hear and that they make you feel angry. When I think of your grievances at work, I find it challenging to concentrate and have made a few mistakes, which resulted in some constructive feedback from my boss. My boss suggested that if this continues, it might impact my performance.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider that mom is acting like a child, and you are acting like a child too. Is there a way to communicate in a way that is more mature and constructive?

How might I express myself in a way that is safe for everyone involved?

I believe that the core of safe expression contains three points: feelings, needs, and boundaries.

First, it expresses feelings: I'm tired, annoyed, angry, and helpless.

Secondly, it is important to be able to clearly identify one's own needs and desires.

Thirdly, it is important to clarify boundaries and understand who is responsible for what.

For instance, on the weekends, when the wife's parents are at home, and the wife is busy in the kitchen alone while her husband crosses his legs and watches videos, the wife may become frustrated. She might express her feelings by saying, "It's so hot and humid, and you're not even helping out, even though you're sweating like hell."

In my wife's mind, cooking is not just my business; we both have to eat, so it would be ideal if we could do it together. I'm not sure if I'm doing enough to help out, as I'm left to take care of both our needs, which might not be the best approach.

My wife made the point that I wasn't helping either, and that my feelings were anger.

It seems that the wife's boundaries are clear: it's a matter for the two of them, and she's not taking it all on herself. However, she may have misunderstood how to express her needs.

There is a formula for expressing yourself correctly: I start, then you, I'm a bit tired/bored, I have difficulty with this and that, I could really use your help, would you be so kind as to help me?

In this example, it would be: "Honey, I'm having a hard time cooking alone. I would really appreciate it if you could come over and cook with me."

I feel this is a very different approach to simply saying, in a tone of blame and complaint, "You don't even come and help me."

Hello, question asker! I can see the confusion you are facing, but I'm here to help. Hugs to you!

You're going to love this! You are experiencing some behavioral problems. Allow me to give you a warm hug again.

Your inner child is ready to move on from the traumatic stage of childhood!

When you were a child, you took your mother's treatment of you as a dumping ground for her emotions.

At that time, you were still learning how to be strong and powerful!

You were so eager for your mother at that time! She was able to catch your negative emotions.

But she didn't!

And guess what? There is an "inner child" in each of us!

The "inner child" is not your current real age — it's something else entirely!

The next time you find yourself afraid to express your negative emotions, you can tell your inner child: "You were young and didn't have enough strength, so you had to put up with your mother using you as a dumping ground for her emotions. You longed for your adult mother to protect you, but she couldn't. But you can now! You are strong and capable. You can express your emotions and take care of yourself."

So, from that moment on, you felt you had to take control and digest those negative emotions yourself!

Then, tell your inner child, "But now I'm a grown-up, no longer the cowardly child I was, so I have enough strength to protect myself."

If you don't know how to use the "inner child" method, don't worry! You can easily get help from a professional counselor.

If you're worried that sharing your negative emotions might hurt someone, don't fret! You can use the "empty chair technique."

The "empty chair technique" is a fantastic way to get things off your chest! All you have to do is sit in an empty chair and imagine someone else sitting in another empty chair. Then, you can say all the things you want to say to that person!

If you don't know how to do the "empty chair technique," don't worry! You can also seek help from a professional counselor.

There is a slightly better way: writing therapy!

This method is so simple, all you need is a piece of paper and a pen!

Once you're done, you can do whatever you want with the paper! You can throw it in the trash or burn it with a flame.

I highly recommend taking a course with Dr. Skjaldarson on "Healing the Inner Child" if you're interested!

I'm sure the problem you're having will be fixed in no time!

Now I can think of only these things, and I'm excited to share them with you!

I really hope my above answer is helpful and inspiring to you! I am the respondent, and I study hard every day.

Here at Yixinli, we love you and the world loves you too! Best wishes!

Hello, question asker!

I am a Sun Dolphin floating ball, a psychological counselor, and I'm here to help!

Dear Questioner, I saw your question and I'm so excited to help you! I get three messages from your description: stress from your mother's bad mood, fear of expressing your emotions, and a desire to change your current situation.

Let's dive in and explore together!

1. Stress comes from your mother's bad mood.

Mothers are absolutely lovely and respectable to every girl, aren't they?

Every child has the incredible opportunity to be loved by their mother a thousand times before puberty. I treat my mother as if she were my first love!

During puberty, it is a time when children and their mothers mentally wean themselves from each other, which is a truly exciting time!

It is also a time when a child's character and personality are formed. I wonder if you have already passed this time?

A mother's influence on her child is lifelong. It's incredible how a child can be shaped by the family they're born into. The mother is just one member of that family, but her role is so important!

2. Not daring to express their emotions

We bear the bad emotions of our mothers because we love them. But we are not obliged to accept the bad emotions of anyone other than our mothers — and we don't have to!

I'd love to know your thoughts on this!

It's time to learn how to express our inner feelings and needs!

If you can't, then try expressing it to your mother!

The first step is to try to find a way to talk to your mother. Maybe your mother has always been very strong.

But as you grow older, your mother will slowly give you back your freedom and give you more freedom. So, you've taken an amazing second step by trying to communicate with your mother!

When you can calmly communicate with your mother, you may feel relieved. And if you don't know what to say, that's okay! Just talk about how scared and helpless you felt when your mother treated you like a trash can for her emotions!

If you don't know what to say to your mother, then just talk about how scared and helpless you felt when your mother treated you like an emotional trash can!

Let's dive in and explore this further!

3. Ready to make a change in your current situation!

This is a great example of how your lack of confidence and inferiority manifest themselves.

Guess what? It mainly comes from your mother's emotional outbursts and suppression.

When your mother was in a bad mood, she always took it out on you!

And she may have given you some pretty harsh criticism for some of your bad behavior.

In fact, you can recall that every time your mother used you as an emotional trash can, it was because you made a small mistake.

And your little mistake just became the fuse for your mother's emotional venting! Isn't that right?

Your inferiority complex and small mistakes are caused by a long period of not receiving your mother's affirmation. But there's good news! You can change this.

Even if your mother gave you a little recognition and praise for your behavior, you deleted it from your memory. But that's okay! You can always replace it with something even better.

So you can get your self-confidence and self-esteem back! You just need to search your memory for your mother's affirmation and praise.

Look for your own strengths in reality. And find them! They might be small, but they're there, just waiting for you to discover them and praise them.

This is an amazing process of confidence training!

The first step in recent training is to find your own strengths and affirm yourself. Encourage yourself!

Now for the fun part! The second step is to practice smiling. Every morning after washing up, give yourself three minutes to smile at yourself in the mirror.

Just smile until you feel satisfied!

Laughter is an absolutely amazing weapon in interpersonal relationships! When you don't know what to say, just smile!

When you're feeling shy, just smile and let the other person speak first!

When you're feeling a little shy about greeting your colleagues and friends, just smile!

Laughter is the most powerful aid to your progress! Why not give it a try?

I'm so excited to share this with you!

Okay, that's all I have to say for now!

I really hope it helps!

I absolutely love the world of psychology!

You have a lot of emotions and things you want to express, but you never practiced doing so. Over time, this will lead to repression.

Many things that have been suppressed for a long time will not be expressed through words, so there may be problems with body language. This seems to be the case with you now, as you are unable to perceive your own feelings and unable to argue for yourself.

You will often feel frustrated because you need to express yourself with the right words.

It helps you get along better with others. If you don't know how to express yourself, you'll have a hard time and people will think you're sullen or can't speak up for yourself.

People who express themselves well usually do well in many ways.

In the family, try to make your own decisions. People who can speak well usually have an advantage. We don't mean you should become eloquent or a good speaker.

You're not good at perceiving the situation or defending yourself. If this continues, you'll become more depressed.

This situation needs to be resolved. We can try to talk to a counselor and listen to them. We can start with the simplest description of the facts and slowly dig into your feelings about an event.

Some ideas, some small points of view, but it won't be fixed overnight.

We need to understand this situation and make adjustments. If we can't express it, we can write about it. We need to think about the problems and pressure we may face. We can write down what we want to express.

You can also write in a diary or complete a narrative. You can discuss the feedback and changes you have received with your counselor. You can also read some books to improve your social skills.

ZQ?

Hello!

It's okay! When parents are unable to give their children sufficient "love" and "security," they have the amazing opportunity to return to the center of their own being, give all their attention back to themselves, nourish and care for it with their own mental energy, and give themselves the psychological comfort, support, and encouragement they need. Gradually, they will walk out of their pain, and the present moment is the perfect place to start!

Do parents who give their children an "emotion trash can" feel love for their children? Absolutely!

Emotions are simply the energy that arises when our needs aren't met. The great news is that when this happens, if we get what we need—whether it's love, care, material things, or something else—our emotions will go away because our needs are seen. Just as a family needs to support and encourage each other to function normally, this is also a necessary energy cycle. The good news is that everyone can do their best to meet some of the energy needs, and the rest can be supplemented by other members of the family.

This kind of energy replenishment is a beautiful thing. It usually goes from "top to bottom" in a relationship, like parents loving their children and giving them love and warmth. Sometimes it can also be a "bottom to top" relationship. When children grow up, they will have more strength to give care and companionship to their parents. Between the father and the mother, it is an equal exchange of support and encouragement. At this time, the structure of the family becomes more and more stable, with fewer emotional fluctuations, and the energy is positive.

But why is it that some parents who clearly love their children still hurt them, constantly dumping their own excessive negative emotions on them?

I'd like to bring up an important topic: the blurred boundaries between parents and children. Many parents are unaware that their children have feelings and that they should be respected as individuals. They also believe that they have the right to control their children's lives. This can lead to some challenges in communication. Children may feel unable to say "no" because they're afraid of challenging their parents' authority. This can result in a passive approach to dealing with negative pressure from parents. It's crucial for parents to recognize their children's autonomy and allow them to express their needs and opinions. When parents and children communicate effectively, it can lead to a stronger, more positive relationship.

When I was young, my mother often used me as an emotional trash can, and I also dutifully became her emotional trash can. As a result, when I encounter something now, I want to defend myself, or when I feel angry, uncomfortable, or uncomfortable, I can't say anything.

When I feel uncomfortable, I'm excited to consider that it's not easy for others!

The mother in the story is also a parent who often uses her child as an emotional outlet. The mother has a lot of negative emotions and energy, and there is nowhere to vent the excess negative emotions, so they are all output completely to the child. When the child grows up, it is actually difficult for him to perceive the state of love from his mother, because love and pain coexist, and it is difficult for the child to believe that his mother really loves him. But, this is an opportunity for the child to learn and grow!

However, there is a way to solve this problem! The mother's stress comes from not receiving healthy family energy support, that is, the energy output from the father's role. If the father always ignores and downplays the mother's needs and feelings, the situation may not improve. But there is hope! If the mother herself has realized that as a parent, she should not output too much stress to her children, but should learn to respect and understand their position, then the mother can also help herself by finding a new life, a new love of life, to distract herself, and to build true inner self-confidence and improve self-esteem. These are ways to solve the core problem and help her escape from constantly complaining and outputting a negative emotional state.

And the best part is, growth is the beginning of independence, learning to care for yourself, and moving out of the pain!

I've been in emotional debt like this for a long time, and I feel so powerless. I want to grow up! How can I improve and enhance this aspect? How can I practice? How can I express my discomfort? To whom and how can I practice more safely and speak out about my grievances, my unhappiness, my loneliness? ⊙▽⊙ I'm ready to take on the world!

The influence of a mother is very great on her children. If the situation of the mother cannot be reversed, it is time to start your own independent life! Perhaps when you were a child, you did not have the strength to help yourself escape the influence of your original family. After growing up, you have a lot of room to make a change. In addition to avoiding the excessive negative emotional output of your mother, as a child, you can still do your part to take care of and be filial to her. This does not mean abandoning your mother, but rather a more rational, objective approach that respects each other's lives. You can do it!

Facing the mother is an amazing opportunity to grow! It can trigger a sense of guilt because we can't give timely companionship, and we might become the listener of negative emotions and anger. As a child, it is likely that it is difficult to deal with it calmly and objectively, but you need to know that if you want a peaceful and happy future life for each other, you need to adopt a new and positive way of communication to replace the bad way of getting along with each other. During this period, you also need to give yourself the necessary support of psychological energy, pay attention to your inner feelings, and you can also try to tell your mother how you feel, keeping a gentle tone and avoiding emotional communication, so that your mother knows the true feelings of your child under her subjective consciousness, and that it also needs to be listened to.

There are so many ways to help yourself get out of the distress of negative emotions in life! You can rebuild a good energy supply system, pay attention to your inner needs, focus on positive messages that help you relax and grow, spend your free time chatting with friends to relieve nervous tension, cook delicious food, and appreciate the beauty of life. When you have a strong sense of experience, you can record it in time to slowly help yourself listen to the true inner voice, rediscover the lost self, take care of and love yourself, and the trauma can be slowly recovered.

And the best part is that you can help yourself grow! The more you learn and read about other people's lives, the more you'll understand about intimacy. And the more you understand about intimacy, the more you'll heal and grow!

You've got this! Keep up the amazing work!