I'm very irritated. It's as if I need a change of scenery. Why is this happening? I was wrong after all.

Dear Question Asker, I hope that my response will prove to be of some assistance to you.

After a thorough examination of your description, I am struck by the parallels with my own family of origin. Our experiences were strikingly similar. Subsequent to that, I entered into matrimony and have resided in a separate domicile for an extended period. Nevertheless, I remained intricately connected to my family of origin. It was not until recent years that I achieved a state of genuine independence and began to experience a growing sense of autonomy, no longer constrained by the dynamics of my familial relationships. Consequently, I am able to empathize with your situation. I am eager to share some of my experiences with you in the hope that they may offer some inspiration.

It is essential to be clear about one's desired outcome and to recognize that others may not be able to provide it. To achieve this, it is crucial to identify the individuals who can offer the most valuable support and to develop a robust support system.

I previously placed a significant degree of importance on the approval of my uncle. However, it became evident that he often conveyed to others that I was of no use due to my academic pursuits and expressed disdain for certain traits I possessed. This caused me considerable distress and anger. Subsequently, I came to comprehend that, from the perspective of family systems theory, my uncle had engaged in a competitive relationship with my father from an early age. He aspired to be regarded as virtuous, while my father was perceived as flawed. Over time, my father demonstrated numerous admirable qualities. Nevertheless, I remained at home with the children and did not pursue employment during the initial stages of my career. Consequently, my uncle consistently sought to discredit me, and it appeared that he also sought to discredit my father.

As previously stated, the individual in question does not wish to see you happy. Consequently, it is unlikely that he will offer you recognition or encouragement. It is not inappropriate to have needs; however, it is essential to ensure that these needs are met by the appropriate individuals. It is necessary to evaluate our relationships and select those that can genuinely support and nourish us. Even if the individual is a loved one, if the relationship causes you to feel drained, it is advisable to maintain a distance.

I subsequently discovered a supportive team comprising individuals with whom I shared common interests. In this team, members are able to express their genuine needs and feelings while receiving support, understanding, and trust. I have gained significant recognition and confidence, including on our Yixinli platform, where I consistently receive positive encouragement, support, sincere praise, and recognition. When my needs are met by the appropriate individuals, I am no longer concerned with whether they are provided with me, as I have already attained a level of fulfillment that is more than sufficient. The act of providing or receiving these needs holds little importance to me.

It is important to recognize that the family represents only one system within our larger life system, and that it will inevitably exert an influence on us. However, from the perspective of ecosystem theory, we also have our own circles of classmates, friends, studies, and work. By identifying the environment and circles that align with our needs and preferences, we can minimize the impact of the family system on our lives.

True independence entails assuming complete responsibility for one's own actions and the consequences that ensue. Concurrently, one develops the capacity to serve as one's own internal parent, to cultivate a reliable and enduring internal source of acceptance and support, to provide oneself with companionship, care, and trust.

Despite your assertion that expectations should not be entertained, it is evident that you have some expectations of them. It is a process to let go of expectations of them. True independence is the complete letting go of dependence on them and the assumption of full responsibility for one's own choices and the consequences that arise from them. One can choose to continue taking the exam, in which case one must accept the consequences of that choice, such as the possibility of gossip, and continue to work hard to take the exam. Alternatively, one can choose to do other work, leave one's hometown, and seek employment elsewhere. In this case, one must accept the consequences of that choice, such as the necessity of taking care of oneself in all respects, making new friends, and exploring new areas of work.

The answer is found within oneself, as one is the sovereign of one's own life and may make any choice one desires. However, it is essential to ascertain the kind of outcomes one is willing to accept and then make a deliberate choice in alignment with one's values and intentions.

When one walks the path of independence, it is inevitable that feelings of loneliness will arise. However, it is important to understand that there is a positive force within each of us, which can be described as our inner parent. We expect encouragement, support and care from our ideal parent, and this is something that we can give to ourselves. When we learn to be our own inner parent and form a stable and constant object within ourselves, we can give ourselves stable acceptance, understanding, care, support and trust, regardless of the situation or stage of life. This allows us to become psychologically independent, while also experiencing freedom in our relationships. By no longer relying on others to meet our needs, but instead becoming self-sufficient, we can achieve this. However, this is a process that requires significant practice.

It is recommended that the following texts be read: The Power of Self-Growth, Accepting an Imperfect Self, The Power of Self-Care, The Miracle of Self-Affirmation, and The Courage to Be Disliked.

The aforementioned information is provided for your reference. Best wishes!