Is it realistic to expect to change even one thing about a person?

Hello, question asker!

I'm Kelly. After reading your words, I think you are an amazingly kind and loving person who will pay it forward and think about others. I also feel that you are affected and troubled by your friend's affairs, but I know you'll get through it!

I remember a classmate of mine. We were the best of friends and like sisters when we were students. The first time I saw her boyfriend, and later her ex-husband, I didn't like him at all. He had a low level of education, no regular job, and lacked good manners. Her parents were intellectuals and also opposed to it. As we expected, after they got married, her ex-husband's various shortcomings came to light. In the end, her idea of the perfect love ended in pain.

She left her ex-husband's house with her daughter and without any property. After the divorce, my friend and I had a long talk one summer night, and I summed up her past experiences for her:

1: She made the choice to live her past life, and now she gets to take responsibility for it, no matter what happens!

2: Despite the challenges of her divorce, she was fortunate to have a wonderful and supportive daughter. Her parents were a pillar of strength, providing care and guidance during this difficult time. She is immensely grateful to have parents who accept and tolerate her. Now her daughter has graduated from university! This experience has made her stronger than ever. She has worked hard and studied hard on her own with her daughter, and later achieved great results in the industry.

Three or four years after the divorce, she finally met someone who truly appreciated her, and it was a truly wonderful experience for her!

I'm telling you this story to show you that you can help your friends by making things clear to them. They need to take responsibility for their own lives, and you can do that by listening occasionally.

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At the same time, just as my classmate did, she experienced pain, and her life really began! She really grew and transformed.

Pain can be a gift!

I also have a friend who used to ask me and everyone around her whatever conflict her husband and she had: "Is she going to divorce him? He's so bad!"

I would say, "Dear, you choose for yourself!"

The husband is her choice, and even if they divorce, it is their own business.

You need to ask yourself:

Absolutely! You can help your friends when they come to you.

Oh, the mysteries of friendship! Why do friends like to say these things to you?

Do you usually accept your friends' requests unconditionally? I know I do!

For example, if they go on a date and need you to call them? You can even wake them up with a phone call!

If it were me, I'd say no!

It's time to learn how to set boundaries!

And guess what? This is true for family members as well as friends!

And the great news is that learning to respect these boundaries is not only a matter of respecting others, but also of respecting yourself!

We can look at boundaries to see if we have the following situations:

1: They're so eager to help that they often find themselves saying "yes" to everyone's requests.

2: When with friends or at work, at parties or meetings, they either remain silent or agree with others, unable to assert themselves. This is an excellent opportunity for them to practice being more assertive!

3: They have a strong desire to control and expect the other person to do things their way.

4: You're always ready to jump in and help out, ready to save the day and solve any problems that come your way!

5: Always ready to share your feelings and thoughts with others!

In psychology, the term "sense of boundaries" is a fascinating concept that refers to the inner self-boundaries between people.

It is an invisible barrier between people, and it's there for a reason!

Mr. Zeng Qifeng has a particularly apt metaphor for the sense of boundaries: the boundary of a cliff is very clear, so we don't get too close to it, but the boundary of water is more ambiguous, so it often drowns people.

I used to be someone who had a vague sense of boundaries too. But I kept learning, surpassing my old self, gaining more professional knowledge, and slowly but surely, I changed myself!

As we grow up, we gain wisdom and become great advisors to our friends. We learn to avoid getting emotionally involved, which is a wonderful thing!

I love you, world!

Hello! It's like seeing you in person.

You're a good friend. Your friends must feel at ease with you. I envy them.

Your friends like scumbags, even though they know they are scumbags. Why? We don't understand or like so much.

I think there's something about the scumbag that attracts them. Maybe it's something they've never had or that makes them feel familiar. Understanding a person is understanding her growth.

Maybe the bad guy's nice words made her feel loved. Maybe they still hate themselves, have low self-esteem, and lack security. The bad guy can give them that. They know it won't last, but they still want a moment of pleasure. There's a lot of pain behind this!

A better understanding will help you understand what they want. But these girls are still lost in their past experiences, searching for love everywhere.

As a friend, I think the best thing we can do is not give advice, not be critical, and let her see her own needs and wants.

Maybe you can help them see that seeing a counselor or therapist could help.

A kind, reliable friend. I hope you are safe.

It is important to remember that attempting to change another person is unlikely to be successful unless they are willing to change themselves.

You listened to your friend's concerns, grasped the issues they were facing, and provided a wealth of guidance. However, despite their initial agreement and stated desire for change, they ultimately reverted to their previous patterns.

It is possible that they never truly desired to alter their behavior. It is futile to attempt to rouse someone who is feigning sleep, particularly in the context of romantic relationships. When individuals are in love, logic often becomes secondary.

Given your emotional disposition, it is understandable that you are patient when listening to your friends' emotional stories and eager for them to end their relationship with this individual. However, your efforts are met with indifference, which can lead to feelings of frustration.

This is likely the type of concern one would expect from a reliable colleague.

How can you provide assistance to your colleague without becoming overly emotionally invested? I have the following suggestions:

First and foremost, it is essential to establish clear boundaries with your friend and refrain from attempting to alter her behavior.

As a trusted confidant, friends are willing to share their personal challenges with you. However, despite your objective advice, they may still hesitate to act on it. This can lead to feelings of frustration.

It is important to remember that, regardless of the strength of the friendship, individuals need to have a sense of boundaries. While one friend may be willing to listen and provide information, it is not appropriate to give advice, particularly regarding the dissolution of the relationship.

It is likely that this course of action will have the opposite effect.

There is a phenomenon in relationships that can be described as the "Romeo and Juliet effect." When a relationship is opposed by those close to the individuals involved, it can lead to a desire to rebel and a belief that the love between them is stronger than any obstacle. In some cases, the presence of opposition may actually accelerate the strengthening of the relationship.

Your colleague has requested that you "scold her awake," but this will only be effective if she is ready to be roused.

If a colleague becomes someone who "persuades" and "advises" and wants to keep the individual on the right path and doing the right thing, then they become like an older generation. Everyone has their own challenges to navigate in their professional journey.

As a result, the more others attempt to dissuade her from becoming involved, the more she may be inclined to do so.

Secondly, it is important to note that the perspective of an outsider differs from that of the person involved. Therefore, it is crucial to refrain from hasty judgments.

The individual involved may be experiencing confusion, but an outsider can often perceive the situation with greater clarity. Despite the common adage, it can be challenging for an outsider to fully comprehend the nuances of two individuals' emotions.

As the adage goes, "Only the drinker knows whether the water is cold or hot."

As a bystander, you are privy to only a portion of the information being conveyed, and your understanding of it may not be comprehensive.

It is important to note that judgments based on this information may not be entirely accurate. A friend of the person involved will undoubtedly have a different perspective and set of experiences than you do.

Your colleagues simply require your attention and support.

Third, communication between friends is a two-way street. It is important to be mindful of not becoming a "trash can for emotions" for your friends.

Your colleagues place a great deal of trust in you, and they confide in you with all their concerns. You can see that you are quite affected by the concerns and negative emotions you hear, and at least feel indignant for your colleagues and anxious about their situation.

Do you typically share your concerns with them? Do you discuss your thoughts and negative emotions with your colleagues so that they fully comprehend your perspective?

Hu Jingjing, played by Jin Jing in the TV series "I'm Doing Fine in a Foreign Land," is a particularly popular confidante among friends. She is the recipient of a great deal of trust, and is the first person friends turn to when they have concerns. She listens patiently.

She consistently exuded a vibrant, optimistic demeanor, even in the wake of her tragic demise. Prior to her untimely demise, she had filmed a video for her friends, displaying a cheerful countenance and a resilience that belied her actual emotional state. Despite her outwardly positive persona, she remained emotionally isolated, harboring her inner struggles and feelings of distress.

This is referred to as "smile depression."

It is important to remember that mutual care, mutual help, and mutual sharing are essential in any friendship. You can discuss any concerns you may have with your friends.

You provide your colleagues with patience, and they deserve the same in return.

A reliable colleague is someone who will always be there for you, even in challenging situations.

A reliable colleague is someone who respects and supports you even when you make a misstep.

I would like to extend my best wishes to you and your colleague for a long and fruitful friendship. May you remain by each other's side through both good times and bad.

Title: Hello! First of all, I just wanted to say that I think you're a really helpful person and that I can tell you're genuinely distressed by these matters. I want to give you a big hug!

First, it's clear to me that you're a very empathetic person who's happy to listen to others and sincerely hopes that your friends can have a good time.

From what you've told me, it's clear you know these two friends really well and you're very understanding of what's going on with them. It's lovely that they confide in you and that you're always there for them, ready to listen and offer advice. That's why they're happy to come to you again and again!

But on the other hand, you are kind and warm-hearted, which is great! However, this personality also has a downside, which is that you are prone to being a "good old person." You take on everything yourself, and you treat other people's problems as if they were your own. You even tend to put yourself in other people's shoes when they are in a bad mood and suffering, as if you were also in a dilemma and powerless to change.

As you know, you are you, and they are they. You can't solve their problems for them, and you don't have to bear their pain.

Don't worry about them! Just live your life happily, and if they really want to change, change will naturally happen.

Secondly, we all have our own unique paths to follow in life.

There's a great saying in the world of consulting: there must be value behind the pain.

It might seem like they're just complaining or that they're in pain, but if they don't change, it could be that the pain isn't severe enough or that they're still clinging to the benefits behind this matter, even though the benefits aren't that obvious.

It can be really tough for someone to change, can't it? You've got to want to change, you've got to be ready to face up to the pain, and you've got to have a plan of action. All three things are important.

I can see that your two friends don't feel the pain enough. When they complain to you, they may just be venting their emotions and don't really want to change.

Because real change is tough, it's important to face your own patterns, admit your shortcomings, get through the loneliness, and live with your inner insecurities. It's about tearing yourself apart a little bit and growing back together again, bit by bit.

It's so important to remember that the path to change can only be walked by oneself. As an outsider, no matter how much you say or how harshly you scold, it's just not going to be effective.

So, you can't change someone through preaching. What you can do is influence them through your own actions. Show them that you're living a good life and help them see the gap between their thoughts and actions and yours. Then, they'll be motivated to change.

And third, we don't have to do nothing!

Helping others is such a wonderful thing to do! But it's important to find out how to help effectively.

I know it can feel like just listening to the other person or reasoning with them and persuading them again and again is useless. It's totally understandable if you're feeling discouraged.

I know it can be tough, but you have to understand that food is eaten bite by bite. If you don't feel full until the seventh bun, you can't say that the first six were useless, right?

So, we can do what we can, and use our actions and thoughts to influence them. Just remember, we can't overdo it, and we can't take on their homework ourselves.

It's also important to turn ineffective listening into effective listening. Try to listen out for the expectations and values behind what they say, see what they really care about and what they are really afraid of, and guide them little by little. At the same time, you can also invite them to engage in something positive with you, such as reading a good book together, meeting new friends, going to a good party, or doing something meaningful.

It's so important to remember that the only way to truly change is by changing our perceptions and behaviors a little at a time.

I wish you the very best of luck!

Hello, host.

From what you've shared, it's clear you care deeply about both of your friends and want to protect them from any potential harm. However, it seems things have unfolded in a way that has led to some unexpected challenges, which might be making it difficult for you to feel fully in control or optimistic about the situation.

"Is it perhaps a bit ambitious to expect a person or a thing to change?"

I believe that every change can be seen as a choice, a competition between two forces. Between "making a change" and "maintaining the status quo," whichever desire is stronger and the motivation is stronger, it tends to choose which state.

It can be challenging to facilitate change in a person or a situation because it often requires a level of internal motivation that may not be readily apparent. The determination to change is something that can only be discovered by the person herself. It's possible that the accumulation of what might be perceived as disappointments could eventually lead to a natural departure. In such cases, our role may be limited to providing temporary external driving forces and advice. This is where the adage "Do not help if you don't ask" in psychology can be particularly relevant. It underscores the importance of seeking consent and collaboration before offering assistance.

It is relatively simple to facilitate a change in someone when they approach you for assistance. However, it can be more challenging to effect a change when they are deeply invested in the relationship.

It is often the case that the person in a relationship is unaware of their own situation when it comes to love.

It's understandable that you can clearly see the negative aspects of her relationship. However, it might be more challenging to put yourself in her shoes and feel the beauty and charm of it, as well as some of her deep-seated needs. It's possible that you and she have different views on love. As she said, "Because she wanted to have fun, and this guy happened to pick up on that," it's worth considering whether you approve of this view of love.

I believe we can offer her guidance and assistance when she requires it, without imposing our ideas on her.

When she is ready to make a change, she will do so on her own.

I hope this information is helpful to you, but please feel free to use it as a reference only.

Dear Question Asker,

I carefully read your detailed explanation of the title, which brought to mind my best friend. Prior to studying psychology, I considered severing ties with her on multiple occasions. She is currently in a relationship with a man who has demonstrated such despicable behavior that it is difficult to imagine how it could possibly deteriorate further, even after multiple divorces and remarriages. To what extent can this man's behavior be considered despicable?

~ He has not been gainfully employed in recent years. Prior to that, he earned 2,500 yuan per month and retained 1,500 yuan for personal expenses. At that time, the average cost of living in the city where we resided was approximately 4,000 yuan. Now that our children are in high school, it is the most financially challenging period, yet he has begun to live the lifestyle of a retiree, spending time with friends, drinking, night fishing, and enjoying a carefree existence. Then, his son is in his senior year of high school and desires to take supplementary lessons. He stated, "Our family lacks the financial resources, so perhaps it would be better not to take the lessons!" The question mark conveys a positive tone.

My best friend and her other best friend own a small business together. The pandemic and the off-season have resulted in a significant decline in business activity, necessitating the use of her credit card to cover living expenses. Additionally, her husband's expenses are also a financial burden. I empathize with your situation. However, I have noticed a change in her attitude. Perhaps it is due to her mobility issues.

You may be wondering whether it is genuinely challenging to alter someone's behaviour. In my case, my best friend has been divorced twice in the past three decades. The first divorce was prompted by her husband's infidelity. It is undoubtedly difficult to effect behavioural change, just as it is challenging to foster the growth of two individuals who are essentially the same.

The decision to remain in an unsatisfactory relationship may be driven by the belief that it is preferable to being single.

I hope the above information is helpful to you.

Hello! I give you a 360-degree hug!

It's great that friends come to you for advice and methods! You've given them great advice and they've agreed with it. But after a while, they'll still come to you for the same troubles.

You find that you are actually involved in their relationship with their troubles, and to some extent, you play the role of a tool person.

For them, I have worries. I find someone to scold me, I reflect on it, and realize that she is right, but I can't do it. I continue with the original pattern, and after a while I have more worries, so I find someone to scold me again...

.

It's a very stable cycle!

And it's the same if you replace one person with another! The reason it's you is probably because you're willing to listen and give advice, and most importantly, you don't annoy them. They're safe with you!

As for the recommended methods, they actually don't need them! This stable cycle may be their comfort zone, and it is more likely that they simply don't want to change.

Absolutely not! It's totally realistic to want to change even one thing about a person.

The good news is that it is not difficult to change. In fact, it is quite simple!

Our ancestors had some great advice! They said, "If you don't see someone for three days, you'll be surprised by the changes." They also said, "It's easy to change the outside, but hard to change the inside."

The choice to change is yours to make! If you're ready to embrace a new you, you can do it, no matter how challenging it may seem.

For example, some grandfathers used to smoke a lot, but as soon as they had a grandchild, they immediately quit. Some people, however, may not do the same, and may even say, "Who says you can't smoke when you have a child?"

And guess what? The same is true for quitting smoking! It all comes down to whether the smoker is willing to quit.

Just like your friends, they may not be ready to change. But they just need advice on how to change!

And you know what? Changing is their business, not yours!

I'm really impressed by how you listened to them and didn't just take their confidences in once!

To be honest, if it were me, I would probably just lose my temper after two or three times, or find a reason to distance myself. But you know what? I admire you for how you handled it! How did you manage to do it?

The good news is that you can change the way you get along with your friends. You can also stop being their emotional trash can!

Guess what! The only thing we can change is ourselves.

We can influence other people, and it's so exciting to see how they change! Change usually comes from within, or from strong external intervention, such as being sent to prison, or having to bear the consequences of not listening to others.

You, obviously, don't have the authority to forcefully demand that your friend change.

So, give the initiative for change back to the other person! Their current pattern is also a way of changing.

It's time to focus on your own needs! Ask yourself why you should take responsibility for the change of others. What happens if you don't help them change?

And when you start to change, the stable cycle we mentioned earlier will be disturbed! But that's okay because it's not your business what they do after that.

Adults are responsible for their own lives, and that's a great thing!

You can also talk to a counselor, who can help you figure out the best way forward!

I'm a counselor who is often pessimistic and sometimes optimistic. The world is an amazing place, and I love you all!

Hello, question asker. I see the confusion you are facing now, and I'm here to help.

You are experiencing some interpersonal problems. Let me give you a warm hug again.

Thank you for trusting me to answer your question.

The questioner needs to know one thing.

What is it?

We only need to know three things in this life: our own affairs, other people's affairs, and the affairs of heaven.

The above concept comes from the book A Change of Heart.

Your two friends always come to you to complain. They don't want to change themselves.

Then, they come to you every time and ask what they should do.

You have given them advice, and they have ignored it.

It's likely that every time they come to you to complain, you're willing to put down what you're doing and listen to them attentively. This has made you their "emotion trash can."

They will come to you to talk about it whenever they have a problem.

Next time they come to you to talk, you can refuse.

Tell them you were busy that day. You had work to do and you'll talk to them another day.

Then, they'll come to you with their problems again, and you'll make excuses to avoid them.

They made a mess, and they should clean it up themselves. It's not your responsibility.

I am confident that you will resolve the problem you are facing soon.

That's all I have to say.

I am confident that my above answer is helpful and inspiring to you. I am the answer, and I study hard every day.

Here at Yixinli, we love you and the world loves you too. Best wishes!

Hello, host!

From what you've told me, I can tell you're a kind and reliable person. It's clear you care about your friend and want to protect her from any harm in her relationships with men. You're trying to persuade her to protect herself and keep her away from those scumbags.

From what you've told me, it seems like your friend knows that the other person is not a good influence on her, but she still reaches out to him when she's feeling bored. This shows that he provides her with some sort of emotional support and companionship. However, you're concerned that if she continues to date him, it might start to affect her work and daily life. Despite your best efforts to guide her, she seems to be stuck in this pattern.

I really do think that her way of thinking and her actions may be related to her experiences as a child. After all, our original family has a profound impact on us when we are young. If we grow up in a family environment lacking love, we will become dependent on the other person for a little kindness. This is just like what you said earlier: once she gets bored, she will go to the guy.

I know it can be tough, but in this situation, you can't reason with her. If you really care about your friend, you can talk less and spend more time with her, so that she will not lack love. People often have a rebellious streak sometimes. The more you don't let her do it, the more uncontrollably she wants to do it.

You could even introduce him to spend time with good-looking guys, so that there is a contrast and she will lose confidence in the other person. I really hope you can get out of your confusion soon, and I really hope your friend can leave those guys soon.

I just wanted to say that I love you!

Hello! It's so great that you care about your friend and want the best for her. It's totally understandable that you've given her advice, but it seems like she hasn't been taking it or is afraid to do so. It's so hard to see someone you care about going off the right path, and it seems like your advice hasn't been heard.

Now that this has happened, I think you've done a great job as a friend. If she comes to you again, you might want to gently remind her of your feelings. You could ask her if she'd be willing to make some changes for herself.

If you don't like him, why are you nagging? Be honest: you agree with me, but you're going in the opposite direction?

I'm just wondering, why do you want to hear my opinion before you are willing to make changes? I'm not trying to be critical, but I do have to ask: are you deceiving yourself?

As friends, you can also express your opinion to her. She'll care about your feelings, and friends don't always have to maintain a superficial friendship and put up with things.

This isn't good for either of you. She only comes to you to vent, and you can kindly tell her to stop.

It's time to make your position clear. You are so much more than just an emotional trash can!

You've also been really patient with your friend, even though she's made some choices you didn't agree with. It's not easy to be tolerant, especially when we want to see people change and grow in positive ways. But we can't control how others act or think. All we can do is love them and support them, even when it's tough.

Wishing you all the best!

Good day, host.

I empathize with this kind of problem, and I can see that you have the intention to help your friend. However, in the context of the current social environment, it is evident that the majority of individuals prioritize their own interests and desires.

It is evident that your advice was initially well-received; however, as you have observed, your friend has not yet demonstrated any tangible change. It is important to recognize that attempting to alter the behavior of another individual is a futile endeavor. Instead, it may be more beneficial to reflect on whether we are placing undue emphasis on the minutiae of our friends' personal lives.

The nature of friendship is a curious phenomenon. There is a term that I find particularly apt in this context: "skimming the surface."

While friends can serve as companions in our lives, it is not always beneficial to interfere with them excessively. This is because, at times, when we hold them to be good, we may find ourselves in a state of misunderstanding. It is possible that we may be one-sided in our perception and fail to grasp their inner feelings.

Therefore, the advice provided in such circumstances may not yield the desired outcome.

It is therefore my opinion that advice given to friends must be carefully considered and appropriate, offering guidance without imposing correction. It is important to recognise that nobody wishes to be led by others, particularly in matters of personal choice.

It is therefore recommended that one should simply provide direction and advice, while also empathizing with the friend in question. It is important to allow them to experience and change on their own, as this may result in a different outcome.

It is acknowledged that my ideas may not be suitable for all readers and that my understanding of the issues raised may be incomplete. It is hoped, however, that they will prove helpful to at least some extent.

It is my sincere hope that you will remain enthusiastic and that the ultimate outcome will align with your expectations. While the process may not be aesthetically pleasing, it is an inherent aspect of life.

Hello, You are a good friend. You listen to your friend and try to help. You are a good friend to your friends. However, you are troubled. Your friend does not listen to your advice. You are angry and hate your friend's stubbornness. You feel helpless.

You feel helpless and blame yourself for not being able to help your friend. Many people feel this way, thinking they are unable to help their friends escape suffering.

Try to detach yourself. We are often in the thick of it, but the outsider has a clearer view. When we calmly look at our friend's confusion, our advice to them, and our expectations of change, we may suddenly have an epiphany.

You have expectations for your friends. You help them, you feel for them, and you hate to see them fail. This is probably the feeling that every true friend has. Maybe your friend has their own ideas. Maybe they listen to you, but just don't want to or find it hard to change. Maybe your company and listening is the best salvation for your friend. Otherwise, I don't think that friend would have confided in you about their sadness and grievances.

Try to see what role you play in your relationship with your friend. Try to see the whole situation from the perspective of an outsider. Try to understand your true thoughts. You might see things differently. I look forward to your cheerful state of mind. You will gain something and have an experience.

Hello, I'm therapist Zhao Ke, and I'm here to listen.

I totally get where you're coming from and I'm right there with you! It's so frustrating when they know they're doing the wrong thing but just can't help themselves. You've been so patient and kind, but it doesn't seem to be making a difference.

First of all, your friend will be really grateful and recognize you. In their eyes, you're like a beacon of light in the darkness, showing them the way. And you're a very loving person who wants your friend to do well, and your friend feels the same way about you.

There's a good reason why all that well-meaning advice hasn't changed things. Maybe your friend went through a lot of emotional neglect during their upbringing, which led to a lack of emotional attachment.

The boy's sweet words and various dating techniques happen to hit the bull's-eye of emotional deprivation, which is why the girl is unable to extricate herself. This situation can't be fixed with just a few conversations and a few wake-up calls.

The current situation is just the tip of the iceberg. To solve this problem, we need to break the ice that is buried deep underwater. That means solving the problem of emotional neglect.

I really think it would be a great idea for your friend to seek professional counseling to help them work through things.

If you really want to help your friend, you need to be prepared because the whole process is quite complicated. You can learn more about it by reading the book The Neglected Child.

Hello, question asker. From your description, it seems that you are a kind and considerate person who is willing to listen to and help your friends. It's likely that this is why your friends are willing to share their problems with you and even come to you for advice.

First, what if the advice you gave your friend didn't seem to have the desired effect?

As a good friend, especially one who cares deeply and is genuinely concerned for their friend's well-being, it's important to recognize that while your advice may have a positive impact, it may not be a long-term solution.

Perhaps it depends on what your friend really wants.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider whether you truly desire a stable relationship, or if you simply want to be with the person you like, regardless of whether it is stable or not.

The renowned psychologist Carl Jung once posited that the subconscious mind may play a role in influencing our lives, which we often perceive as fate.

It is worth noting that the subconscious mind will actively pursue whatever it desires, even if the conscious mind knows that it is wrong and cannot be achieved.

If I might make a suggestion, the only way to break this spell of uncontrollability might be to see your subconscious.

Secondly, as a friend, you are naturally concerned about your friend's future and your best friend's situation.

It is a great privilege to have a friend who is so considerate and caring. What might your friend be thinking?

It is often the case that when we go to talk to friends, we are not necessarily looking for advice, but rather a safe space to share our thoughts and feelings. Even after sharing our hearts and receiving advice that resonates with us, we may still face challenges in implementing change.

It is worth noting that the invisible subconscious mind plays a significant role in influencing our thoughts and actions. As friends, we may not always be in a position to directly assist our loved ones in resolving their issues, as it can be challenging to fully control the external factors that shape their lives.

Perhaps the best we can do is just listen.

It is understandable to feel worried, but ultimately, it is up to the friend to decide whether to leave the situation or not, and how to move forward.

We will be there for our friend, ready to listen and offer support.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you can get through this.

Dear question asker, I empathize with your concerns and recognize the emotional distress you are experiencing. You are a kind and compassionate individual who is invested in your friend's well-being.

The questioner aspires for her friend to experience a life free of adversity and filled with joy.

Nevertheless, it is worth questioning whether the questioner has considered that the individual in a relationship and pregnant is, in fact, their friend. It is also important to consider whether the questioner is able to bear the pressure that is inherent to this situation. Ultimately, it is the responsibility of the questioner's friend to shoulder the burden of this responsibility and the associated consequences.

It is recommended that the questioner return to their own sense of identity and authenticity. This entails assuming the role of a supportive friend and relinquishing the burden of responsibility and pressure to the questioner's friend. It is essential to recognize and release the external pressures that do not belong to the questioner. This approach may help alleviate the questioner's perceived pressure.

Even if the questioner is unable to bear this pressure and responsibility, they will still be a good friend to your friend. The next time you get a call, you can stop scolding her. Instead, listen to what she has to say without giving your opinion. Let her choose her own path, as she needs to try and experience it before she knows if her choice is right or wrong. When she asks you to scold her again, you can also suggest that she go to a psychologist to find out what her needs are.

It is therefore my contention that the questioner must extricate herself from the emotional morass and simply be herself. A friend's decision is ultimately a decision made by a friend. After all, she is no longer a child, and the questioner has already done a commendable job. It would be prudent to allow the matter to rest with your friend.

I wish you and your friend the utmost success.

Hello, question asker.

I am an intern cat and a listening therapist at Yi Xin Li.

You are a reliable friend and a helpful person. When your friends encounter difficulties or have doubts, you think wholeheartedly for them and offer advice.

I'm curious. When friends come to you for advice or solutions and you give them your opinion, and they don't accept it, what do you feel at that time?

I would feel depressed and disappointed. I genuinely want what's best for you, so I give you advice.

At the same time, you may feel helpless and hopeless because when they come to talk again, the problem may be even more serious, but they may still "accept advice with an open mind and refuse to change." At this time, you may also feel frustrated.

It's like hating iron for not becoming steel.

[? Why won't they listen to reason? ❗️]

From a psychological point of view, there are several reasons.

1⃣️ Emotions have not been effectively addressed.

We often say things like, "Don't think that way," or "Don't be silly," or "He's a scumbag," or "You didn't cause this," to comfort the other person. However, this does not make the other person happy.

The other person has not yet released their emotions or finished venting. It is impossible for them to think rationally until they do.

2⃣️The listener is more excited than the person talking.

It is common to see that the person listening instantly empathizes with the other person. They say things like, "Yes, that's right, it's so annoying!" or "I've also encountered something like that!"

The listener then empathizes with the other person, talking about their own feelings and experiences. This turns the conversation into a two-person venting session.

3⃣️ The person confiding in you just wants to be affirmed.

The other person may seem to be seeking advice, saying, "Give me your advice. What should I do?" But they already have their own answer, and they just want to hear it from someone else.

When our answers don't match the other person's, they simply won't listen.

4⃣️Eagerness to offer advice

Sometimes, we have a clear view of the situation. As soon as the person confides in us, we immediately realize that "he is a scumbag." We know our friends are better than this and we won't stand for it.

If you have had a similar experience, you can't wait to share your "successful experience."

The best advice comes from the other person's past successes, not from your own.

What should I do?

I want to know the best way to give advice when a friend confides in me. Here's what I think:

Express yourself fully.

Let your friend express their emotions and tell their story in its entirety. It doesn't matter what their emotions are—anger, sadness, depression—give them a safe place to let them out.

In many cases, talking things out is the best way to release emotions.

Moderate empathy is the best form of empathy.

Our gentle but firm companionship and listening are the best form of empathy, especially compared to overly intense forms. Sometimes, a simple hug or a gentle pat on the back is all it takes to provide support.

The incident must be sorted out.

You can only sort out events with the other person when you've adequately vented your emotions. You'll find that many problems aren't that the other person doesn't see them, but that they're ignored when the other person is emotional.

Once emotions stabilize, we can sort things out with the other person and find the root of the problem.

Give the other person some hints and guidance without prejudice or emotion, and they will find the result they want on their own. We don't need to change the other person, but we can help them find the way to change on their own.

Hello, Questioner!

I read your account and I totally get where you're coming from. I can imagine how helpless and disappointed you must feel.

Let's say, for example, that a friend of yours falls head over heels for a notorious scumbag colleague. She knows that the guy is terrible, but she still wants to be with him no matter what. She also wants you to supervise her and wake her up. So, you do what she says, and she just doesn't change!

After you repeatedly persuaded her with kind words, this friend still chose to be with this man even though she knew he was a scumbag. It really made you feel a bit tired, and it made you feel like you scolded her awake, but she didn't care.

In fact, very often people only start to wake up when they have been hurt themselves, so no matter how much you try to persuade your friend, she won't listen. It's hard for you, but you're doing your best! You don't know where to help her, but you're trying!

In fact, you should have advised her, and you did! You have always tried to care for your friend, and you did a great job. But if your friend doesn't listen to you, it may be her own choice. What will be the end result? She will only realize it when she experiences it herself!

You also said that a friend of yours was tricked into sharing an apartment with her boyfriend after only a month of dating!

Right! After two months of living together, she finally got out of that awful situation.

But she didn't care about the boyfriend's family! Everyone knew that guy was a scumbag, and

It's not good for her, but this friend avoids all problems and doesn't get along with the guy.

Communication is a challenge for them all. When they are feeling bad or their emotions are running high, they

She just agrees with whatever I say, but doesn't do anything. Now she's pregnant!

The first pregnancy is still in the works!

From these observations, it seems that your friend confided in you about these things, which made you want to help her. She still hasn't changed, but you're excited to see what happens next!

You feel like you've wasted your time and that you haven't helped her, which is totally normal! You're starting to feel tired and worn out, and you really want to help her, but it's not having the desired effect. I understand how hard it is for you, but you're doing great!

Maybe both of your friends are too close to the situation to see it clearly, which means there's an opportunity for you to step in and help them see the truth!

They know very well that their significant other is a scumbag, but they just don't want to believe that they will let them down, so they are a bit deluded.

In the future, if they get hurt, they will come to you to vent, so you are also a little depressed. I feel for you. You have gone from being a friend who cares to a friend who worries. You are a little anxious, and I increasingly understand your feelings of wanting what's best for your friends, which is great because it means you care about them!

Since things have developed to this point, if you try to help or persuade them, they will still have their own ideas. But that just means there's an opportunity for you to show them what you think they should do! It's really difficult to help them as a friend unless they act and change according to what you say.

Even though they might tell you these things, it's still possible that they're just trying to vent and can't find anyone to complain to. And who knows, maybe they don't even want to change!

You are absolutely right to be concerned, but this will tire you out. The good news is that if they wake up and take this step, they will change with your help!

I really hope you're not worried anymore, and I'm here to support you every step of the way!