Good day,
My name is Jiang 61.
Firstly, I would like to thank you for placing your trust in us and for sharing your concerns with us so that we can assist you. You have stated that you are concerned about being hurt by a good friend.
"Let me offer you a hug to comfort you. Let's discuss the next steps."
1. Boundaries and Personality
1. Boundaries
You stated that a few of your friends have a group chat together and that you are all very close. You further stated that you had a private chat with one of them about some photos, but that he posted them to the group anyway, which you did not want because they were photos of some of your other friends.
WeChat groups
You maintain separate WeChat groups for different friends, and you tailor your communications accordingly. You also have a few close friends with whom you feel comfortable discussing personal matters.
Boundaries
From your account, it is evident that you maintain clear boundaries, discerning which matters are suitable for discussion within the circle of friends, which words are appropriate for the group, and which are for private chats. However, your friends lack such boundaries, resulting in the public dissemination of private chats and photos.
Furthermore, this can result in feelings of discontent.
2. Feelings
You indicate that you experience negative emotions when the topic of discussion turns to photos in the group. You express a reluctance to refute these claims. Consequently, you feel uncomfortable but are hesitant to confess the truth to your friends.
The discussion is as follows:
You experience discomfort when your colleagues comment on the photos in the group. This is because the exchange is meant to be private between you and your colleagues, and you prefer not to have it made public. As a result, you feel a range of emotions.
I lack the courage to proceed.
In the context of discussions with colleagues, the phrase "dare not" indicates a reluctance to offend or alienate others, and a consequent inability to assert one's own position or attitude.
3. Personality
You indicate that you are not inclined to share personal details on social media and prefer to limit your posts to photos with other individuals. You also specify that you do not share photos with friends in different circles.
Please indicate your preference.
From your comments about not wanting to share your personal life, I understand that you are selective about your friends and also choose carefully who you share photos with and on which platforms.
Personality
Furthermore, your interpersonal style is characterized by a limited network of friends, a tendency to avoid self-promotion, a reserved demeanor, a reluctance to engage in direct conflict, and a high level of consideration for others' perspectives. Based on these observations, I conclude that your personality type is Compliant + Calm.
Compliant personality
A pleasing personality is one that blindly seeks to please others without regard for one's own feelings. This is an unhealthy state of mind. The essence of pleasing is that others are more important than I am. In this way, I am only safe and loved if I make others feel comfortable.
A calm personality is defined as follows:
Characteristics: slow and deliberate, cautious, gentle and stable, and the pursuit of harmony.
Individuals with a calm personality tend to exhibit the following characteristics:
Characteristics:
- Slow and deliberate
- Cautious
- Gentle and stable
- Pursuit of harmony
Advantages:
1. Easy to get along with
2. Comfortable in any situation
3. Careful in thinking
4. Tolerant
The disadvantages of this personality type are that it may be slow and lazy, not easily repentant, not fond of expressing itself, and indifferent to bystanders.
2. The reasons for the emotional distress experienced
1. Lack of clarity regarding boundaries and position
There is a lack of clear delineation of boundaries.
It is evident that your friend has violated your privacy and crossed your boundaries by sharing the content of your more intimate conversations and group photos with others in the group for judgment. You could have addressed the situation in a timely manner, but you did not. Your intention was to preserve the relationship, but you did not maintain your boundaries, which caused you distress.
The position is unclear.
Failing to intervene when friends are discussing photos demonstrates a concern for their opinions and a fear of offending them, which hinders the expression of one's own views and positions.
2. Due to personality
As previously stated, your agreeable personality causes you to focus on how others will perceive you if you voice your thoughts, rather than on the hurt and discomfort they may cause when they judge you.
Furthermore, individuals with calm personalities are perceived as reliable partners, approachable, and accommodating. If one's attitude is not clearly communicated, others may overlook one's feelings due to their gentle, kind, and harmonious demeanor.
Therefore, the grievances and discomfort you feel are a result of your personality.
3. The influence of your family life
You are reluctant to express your opinions, which is likely a result of the dynamics within your family of origin.
Individuals who are not valued
You tend to keep to yourself, reluctant to speak up for yourself. You only engage in private conversations with a select few individuals, indicating a lack of trust in others. It is evident that you are not valued by those around you, and your communication style reflects this.
As a result, you have limited your social interactions to those with whom you have a positive rapport and consider them friends.
The atmosphere is characterized by a strong-willed approach.
Your sense of oppression also stems from the dominance of your parents in the family, which restricts your ability to speak and make decisions. You have long been unable to express your opinions freely, and when you do, you are often met with blame and criticism. Living in this kind of atmosphere makes you feel worthless, so you have developed the habit of acting according to your parents' wishes, which has led to a loss of your own identity.
This is also the reason for your feelings of suffocation and discomfort.
3. Recommendations
You inquire as to whether there is a solution to this situation and whether it is a significant issue, given that you perceive it to be a minor concern.
If you are seeking to resolve the current dilemma, we offer the following advice:
1. Establish clear boundaries.
The following section will address the topic of boundaries.
The concept of boundaries is fundamental to effective interpersonal communication.
Boundaries are the limits of responsibility and authority that an individual is aware of in interpersonal relationships. They protect personal space from being violated without violating the personal space of others.
There are various types of boundaries.
All relationships have boundaries, which can be divided into external and internal categories. External boundaries encompass physical boundaries and material boundaries, while internal boundaries include psychological boundaries and emotional boundaries.
Inner boundaries
Psychological and emotional boundaries. The former relate to thoughts, values, and beliefs, while the latter reflect sensitivity and understanding of inner feelings, such as the extent to which emotions from others affect you.
It is important to understand your own boundaries.
Knowing your own boundaries means understanding what is and is not acceptable in your external and internal environments. It also means being aware of your limitations in terms of what you can and cannot say or do.
It is important to set clear boundaries.
It is important to understand that your personal boundaries are only known to you. In order to ensure a productive and mutually beneficial relationship, it is essential to communicate these boundaries to those with whom you are in a professional or personal relationship.
2. Perfecting oneself
Individuals who attempt to please others often lack self-confidence, which hinders their ability to express opinions and advocate for themselves. To foster positive interpersonal relationships, it is essential to enhance one's personal capabilities.
It is important to establish your own identity and live independently from your family of origin.
Your original family has instilled a lack of self-awareness, indifference to self-awareness, and a narrow focus on the needs of others. It is now time to recognize that you have matured, are no longer constrained by your parents, and must chart your own course.
The objective is to establish self-awareness.
Self-awareness is defined as the subject's awareness of themselves. This encompasses awareness of one's own body and its state, awareness of the state of one's own limb movements, and awareness of one's own mental activities, including thinking, emotions, and will.
The establishment of self-awareness includes key components such as self-concept, self-perception, self-evaluation, self-experience, self-monitoring, and self-regulation and control.
and enhance your professional capabilities
When one's self-concept, self-awareness, self-evaluation, and self-regulation are not optimal, the initial focus is often on the feelings, evaluations, and emotions of others. It is essential to take a moment to reflect and assess when challenges arise.
Self-awareness is the ability to recognize one's own thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.
It is important to be aware of your emotional state, the source of your emotions, your feelings, your thoughts, and the underlying needs that drive your emotions.
It is important to satisfy your needs.
Identify the underlying needs that drive your emotions, determine how to fulfill them, and recognize the value you bring to the table.
And enhance your professional capabilities.
When you consistently enhance your sense of self-worth, capabilities, and sensitivity to your own needs through self-satisfaction, you will not only focus on the emotions, feelings, and thoughts of others, but also take into account your own emotions, feelings, and thoughts. You will improve negative emotions and incongruent interpersonal relationships, respond to relationships correctly, and improve yourself.
3. Express yourself
When conflicts arise in interpersonal relationships, it is important to communicate your thoughts in a clear and consistent manner.
The objective is consistent communication.
In consistent communication, the verbal and non-verbal information conveyed to the other person is aligned with one's inner feelings. This approach ensures that all parties involved, including oneself and the other person, as well as the situation, receive the attention and respect they deserve.
This model of human speech demonstrates an inner awareness, with expression and speech in alignment, inner harmony and balance, and a relatively high sense of self-worth.
The following sentence patterns are commonly used in consistent communication exercises and expressions.
1. When...
Describe the objective situation without accusations or emotions.
The following sentence patterns are commonly used in consistent communication exercises and expressions. After a period of time, you can truly communicate in a consistent manner. The specific sentence patterns are as follows:
When...
Describe the situation in a factual manner, without making any accusations or expressing any emotions.
"My feeling is..."
It is important to clearly express your current feelings and emotions.
It is my hope that...
It is essential to clearly communicate your expectations and needs to the other party. These expectations should be quantifiable, enforceable, and visible.
It is my belief that...
Please describe your expectations regarding the positive outcome.
When communication is consistent and aligned with feelings, actions, and words, the other person receives a clear message. This reduces misunderstandings and maintains the strength of the friendship.
The questioner should prioritize establishing clear boundaries, followed by pursuing self-improvement and courageous expression. This will help to avoid being hurt by friends' inappropriate actions. It is important to be bold and be true to oneself.
I would like to extend my best wishes to the questioner for a happy life.
Comments
I understand how you feel, it's really upsetting when private moments are shared without consent. It's important to communicate your feelings openly with your friends. Maybe you could tell them that you felt uncomfortable when the photos were forwarded because those pictures were meant for just the two of you. Honesty can help clear the air and set boundaries for future interactions.
Feeling this way is totally valid, even if it seems like a small issue to others. It's okay to value your privacy and have personal limits. Perhaps you could express to your friend privately how his action made you feel, emphasizing that it's not about overreacting but about feeling respected. Sometimes we need to stand up for ourselves, no matter how hard it might seem at first.
It's tough when trust is breached, especially by someone close. You don't have to confront the whole group; talking oneonone with the friend who forwarded the photos might be more comfortable. Share your thoughts gently, explaining that while you cherish your friendship, you also appreciate having control over what you share. This situation gives you a chance to discuss and possibly strengthen your bond through understanding.