It has been used for 10 years to prove why my parents always think badly of me.

Good day. When you state that you hate your parents, I am curious to understand the emotional state you were in at the time. It evokes a profound sadness in me to hear this. Could you please elaborate on the extent of pain you have experienced in your life that has led to this hatred of your parents?

1. Your parents have conveyed to you that they perceive you to possess negative qualities, yet you consistently accept the implications of their statements.

From an early age, my parents have held negative perceptions of me. For instance, they have often assumed that my efforts to dress nicely or help with a move are driven by a desire to seduce men or cheat them financially. However, I have consistently demonstrated that I am not motivated by such intentions. I have worked hard and consistently shown kindness to my parents.

One's environment exerts a profound influence on one's psychological development. When one's parents harbor negative perceptions of one, one engages in a psychological process whereby one attempts to demonstrate one's inherent goodness despite their parents' assertions to the contrary. The more one attempts to prove this inherent goodness, the more one's parents will attempt to suppress one.

One possible interpretation of your parents' assertion that you are attempting to seduce men through your attire is that they are concerned about your safety and well-being. Another, more complex interpretation is that they are worried about being cheated by unscrupulous individuals.

The relocation of the family to a new residence can be viewed as a means of defrauding the parents of their financial resources. This behavior may stem from an underlying sense of insecurity. It would be beneficial to ascertain whether the parents have previously been victims of financial exploitation.

From these two observations, it can be seen that there is a process of unconscious projection occurring on the part of the parents, and that the child is unconsciously absorbing the projections.

The absence of an emotional bond between individuals is frequently manifested in the form of emotional interactions.

For example, when one encounters a parent expressing concern about being cheated, it is important to take the time to understand the underlying reasons for this fear. What are the real needs that are driving this fear in the parent?

I am not in need of your financial resources for my retirement. Have you been the victim of a fraudulent act by another party that resulted in you sustaining some form of injury or loss?

It should be noted that this is not necessarily directed at you.

2. Are you genuinely demonstrating your capabilities, or are you merely exhausting yourself?

If one accepts oneself unconditionally, the opinions of others become irrelevant. What matters is one's own sense of self, including one's emotional state, one's sense of purpose in life, and one's own judgment of one's worth.

You have demonstrated that you possess positive qualities and that hatred is a significant aspect of your identity, as well as that of your parents.

The question thus arises as to whether there is, in fact, a way to prove these things.

3. It would be beneficial to take stock of your life once more.

The initial pain experienced is a result of an inability to establish a sense of independence from one's parents. Attempts to prove oneself to one's parents can lead to a loss of identity and self-awareness.

It is not necessary to prove one's life to anyone. One is comfortable, not hungry, and able to feel as one wishes. To whom, then, is one responsible for one's feelings?

The question remains as to whether the pain will ever subside.

4. The process of self-healing commences with self-care.

What are the potential consequences of being perceived as the "bad guy" by one's parents?

I recall an acquaintance whose parents frequently requested financial assistance from her, yet never from her younger brother. Upon reaching adulthood, she ceased providing her parents with monetary contributions and informed them, "Your son will provide for you in your advanced age; he will contribute half, and I will contribute half. Your son will not contribute anything, so do not expect anything from me."

Her parents took her money to give to her younger brother, but then her parents fell ill and were compelled to seek medical attention. She experienced a profound sense of culpability and adamantly refused to leave for three days. After her brother undertook the task of paying the money, she proceeded to do so herself. It is indeed challenging to adhere to one's authentic self, and she found herself assuming the role of the antagonist. Subsequently, when her relatives vehemently censured her, she retorted, "You are unable to tolerate it, so you allow them to support you in your advanced age."

As a result, her parents are now reluctant to engage in conflict with her, and she has developed effective strategies for navigating their interactions.

It is this author's belief that the reader is capable of handling their parents and overcoming this trauma, thereby returning to their true self.

Hello, question asker!

From your description, I can sense a certain level of resentment and anger. I want to give you a warm hug! At the same time, I can also perceive your ability to perceive things accurately and to actively find a way to overcome the problem, which is admirable.

After reading your description, I feel a certain sadness. It reminds me of a quote from the famous psychologist Adler: "The lucky ones are healed by their childhood, the unlucky ones heal their childhood."

I also believe that you are a kind and good person. Could it be that this is a wound that your family of origin has caused you, making you feel aggrieved and even angry inside?

I can relate to this. My parents have also treated me this way at times. They have said that I am vain and have a bad heart, but I believe these are their preconceptions.

It is precisely because of their prejudices that we do not feel secure. Even if you are very successful, you still care about what they think, and sometimes you even need their affirmation and love. It is understandable that the more we cannot get it, the more uncomfortable we will feel.

It's important to remember that we can't change other people's behaviour. You've done a great job so far, because sometimes it's true that parents do the wrong thing, and it has nothing to do with us. Now that you're grown up, you have the opportunity to protect yourself. When we can't get close to them, there's no need to force yourself to do something. If staying away makes you and them both comfortable, that's fine. All we have to do is be filial and not regret it.

Based on your description, I have a few humble suggestions that I hope might be helpful.

It might be helpful to seek the support of a professional counselor.

It is not uncommon for the wounds that our family of origin has inflicted on us to exist in our subconscious. If we desire to change this uncomfortable feeling, we may wish to consider seeking help from a professional counselor. They can utilize their professional skills to help us become aware of our feelings, allowing us to reconcile with ourselves and with our parents and let go. This may help us to feel less miserable.

I have also been studying psychology for a long time, trying to reconcile with my family of origin. Today, during a hypnosis session, my teacher made a remark that really resonated with me: We can't change others, so all we can do is be kind to our parents and fulfill our filial duty, so that we don't regret it later. There's no need to make things difficult for ourselves.

It would be beneficial to consider building a protective shield and learning to protect yourself.

Parents are our family members, and while we hope they will protect us, give us love, care, and trust when we are tired or in need, it is also important to learn to protect ourselves when they fail to do so and even hurt us.

In my studies, I have come across a notion that suggests what can potentially cause us discomfort is not necessarily external factors, but rather our own perceptions and concerns. If you find yourself in a situation where you feel uneasy, you have the option to either shield your parents or shield yourself. This is a technique that can be learned in hypnosis and is designed to prevent us from being hurt.

Perhaps it would be helpful to learn to reconcile.

My dear, I understand that you may have been seeking your parents' acceptance, trust, and love because of the hurtful words they have spoken to you over the years. However, it is important to recognize that they may not always be able to provide these things, and that you deserve to find fulfillment and love within yourself. You are already a remarkable person, and you have the capacity to give yourself the love and support you need. It may be helpful to gently reconnect with the child within you who may have felt unloved. You can reassure him that you have grown and matured, and that you are now able to provide him with the love and protection he needs. It is time for you to learn to love yourself, to reconcile with your past, and to let go of any remaining pain.

If I might suggest, when you become aware of it, it could be an indication that you have awakened. It's possible that the feeling in your subconscious mind to protect yourself has awakened.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider a shift in perception. You have the potential to be the best and the greatest, and you can invest your energy in your work and yourself. It's also important to show concern for your parents, just as children are expected to do.

If you feel it's best to stay away, I respect your decision. It's understandable that you're not getting what you want, and you're feeling uncomfortable. I'm here to support you in making the choice that's right for you.

Hello, question asker! I'm Jiang 61.

First of all, thank you for trusting us with your unpleasant experiences. You said, "Why do my parents always think the worst of me, even after 10 years of proof?"

"Let me hug you first. You really haven't had an easy life. After reading about what you've been through, I can tell you're sad.

You can't buy true love with sincerity, and it's hard for anyone to find. So you need to do something about it.

Let's take a look.

1. Introduction

1⃣️, the bad child in their eyes

You say, "My parents have always thought badly of me since I was a child. They think dressing up nicely is to seduce men and changing their house is to cheat them of their money. They see me as extremely bad and despicable, from dressing to everything else."

Let's examine the parents' views.

Your parents see you as a bad child. Why? Because they think and judge you in the worst possible way.

I simply cannot comprehend this.

A filial child.

Your parents may not think highly of you, but you always think of them and want to give them a better life by moving them to a nicer house. In return, you get the comment that you're just trying to cheat them out of their money.

This makes you feel sad.

2⃣️, Personal introduction

You said, "In reality, I am not like that. I work hard and am very good to my parents, always giving them money. When I had my own company and employees, my father said that I was just deceiving them. I was really speechless. How was their small pension worth all this deception? I was poor all my life and have nothing, so why should I deceive like this?"

No matter what.

In reality, you are good to your parents without any conditions or costs. You treat them well, care for them all the time, and give them money, even though your parents don't think highly of you.

Misunderstandings are the order of the day.

You have your own company and employees, yet your parents still don't believe you and think you're trying to trick them and get money out of them.

You believe that after your parents retire, they will only have their pensions. They have led a poor life without saving much money, so you don't think they're worth putting any hope in their money. You want to get something for nothing and engage in fraudulent activities.

3⃣, Proof and results

You say, "I spent ten years proving that these imagined things were not there, and in the end they still firmly believed that I was a bad person. I even ended up going bankrupt because I went beyond my means to satisfy their wishes and gain their approval. I hate them with all my heart, and I want to stay away from them forever. Is that okay?"

The Compliant Type

From your description, it's clear you're a pleasing type of person. You want to use your sincerity to win your parents' trust, so you do your best to please them and satisfy their every wish. However, despite this, you haven't earned your parents' trust.

Your parents are controlling.

Human desires are insatiable. You try to please them, but you get nothing in return but endless demands.

Your parents' approach makes it clear that they don't understand you at all. They're too greedy to care. They use control to satisfy their selfish desires while ignoring you.

You are resentful and angry.

After 10 years of dedication, your financial, human, and material resources have been exhausted, and you have not received even the slightest understanding or praise from your parents. This makes you feel cold, and resentment wells up within you. You are done with them and you don't care what happens to them.

2. I want to know why this happened.

1⃣ Character-driven

As previously stated, you have a pleasing personality, which will ensure you take good care of your parents. However, you are also a weak person who cannot fight for your rights in difficult situations. I believe you are a melancholic personality.

People with a pleasing personality

Characteristics

People with a pleasing personality pay a lot of attention to the situation of others, easily ignore their own feelings and thoughts, often appear in a pleasing light, and even suppress their own needs to satisfy the needs of others. When they please others, they are kind and pleasant to others even if they don't feel good themselves.

? Behavior

People who try to please others are actually prone to physical and mental exhaustion. They feel like they are always revolving around the people around them, and they have their own thoughts but no self. They want to refuse but cannot bring themselves to say no, and they want to vent but are afraid of offending others. They appear weak and small in most relationships.

People who try to please others ignore their own needs and have a low sense of self-worth. They are overly kind and used to apologizing and begging for mercy.

Your self-concept is that of a self-sacrificing individual who puts the needs of others above their own.

Those with a pleasing personality tend to have low self-worth, lack self-confidence, and focus on meeting their own expectations rather than focusing on themselves.

2⃣️. Lack of clear boundaries

You are unhappy. You focus your life on your parents, not yourself, and not on how you can live a better life. You also have a fatal weakness: unclear boundaries.

Boundaries are the limits of responsibility and authority in an interpersonal relationship. They protect your personal space from being violated while also ensuring that you don't violate the personal space of others.

There are eight manifestations and psychological aspects of unclear boundaries: 1) a rescue mentality, 2) a controlling mentality, 3) a dependent mentality, 4) a pleasing mentality, 5) an oversensitive mentality, 6) a separation anxiety mentality, 7) a privacy infringement mentality, and 8) an interfering mentality.

It's clear you have a sense of rescue, dependence, and a desire to please. You'll go to great lengths to prove you're a good child and filial, capable of rescuing your parents and letting them live a good life. You're overly dependent on your parents' affirmation and try to please them to affirm your own value through their affirmation. You don't trust your own abilities.

Your parents understand your psychology, control your behavior with words, depend on you in every way, take up too many of your resources to satisfy their own psychological desires, and interfere with your actions with accusations. They affect your normal life in these ways, causing you to go into serious overdraft and lead to bankruptcy.

3⃣️, poor communication

Your parents' accusations and unreasonable demands have always been met with unconditional acceptance. You have failed to express your views and feelings directly and clearly, allowing things to develop contrary to your intentions. This has resulted in your parents' increasingly excessive demands and mounting pressure. You have been unable to cope.

This also makes your parents more controlling and less understanding.

3. How to solve it

You want to sever ties with your parents to end your relationship with them and the harm they have caused you. However, you haven't resolved the pain inside you.

I'm going to give you a few pieces of advice so you can truly let go of the lessons of the past.

1⃣️, Build self-confidence.

Know your abilities.

If you want to make your parents proud, you have to do your own thing well and let your results speak for themselves.

You know yourself, your abilities, and your limits. You know what you can and cannot do, what you can give to others, and what you cannot accept.

Build self-confidence.

You must understand yourself better to utilize your strengths and prove your abilities and achievements.

You tried to please your parents and prove your worth through their evaluation of you. This shows you lack confidence in yourself.

Once you understand your abilities, values, characteristics, interests, hobbies, strengths, and weaknesses, you can play to your strengths and achieve results in your areas of strength. Don't rely on others to affirm your abilities. Prove your strength. Build confidence.

2⃣, Clear boundaries

In life, study, and work, there must be clear boundaries. You must be able to separate your own life from the lives of others. You are responsible only for your own life and your new family. You must know the scope and boundaries of your responsibilities. You should not have to sacrifice your vested interests for others.

It is important to understand that your parents are capable individuals with their own sources of income and are responsible for their own lives. You have the right to defend your own interests and to refuse unreasonable and excessive demands.

This is a manifestation of clear boundaries. You must not take on responsibilities that are not yours. Doing so will damage your reputation, status, and interests.

Blurring boundaries will earn you respect, a sense of self-worth, and a sense of responsibility.

3⃣️, Effective Communication

Effective communication is essential.

Communication is the exchange of information. It is the process of conveying a message to another person with the expectation that they will respond as you intend. When this occurs, communication is effective.

Verbal and non-verbal messages are both forms of communication. The non-verbal part is usually more important than the verbal part. Effective communication is crucial for managing parent-child relationships at home and navigating complex social relationships.

Here are the steps to effective communication:

Effective communication involves four steps.

Step 1: Express your feelings, not your emotions.

Step 2: Express what you want, not what you don't want. Make it clear that you are angry, not that you are angry about something.

Step 3: Express your needs, not your complaints. Don't let the other person guess what you want.

Step 4: Express where you want to go, not where you don't. Focus on the end result, not the event.

If you communicate with your parents about your true thoughts, feelings, needs, and expectations, and they understand your intentions and the difficulties you are actually facing, they will not make things difficult for you anymore, and your relationship will improve. Effective communication is the crucial step in improving your relationship with your parents.

You don't need to cut off contact just to deal with disagreements and sad things that arise between you.

You can love yourself well, set clear boundaries, and use effective communication to resolve the relationship problems between you and your parents. Don't rely on the affirmation and recognition of others to determine your self-worth. Be confident in who you are.

I wish the original poster a happy life!