It seems like I'm a bit of a pleaser in relationships, and I'm often internally unsettled. What should I do?

Hello, question asker. I can see you're feeling confused, and I'm here to support you.

You want to make friends, but you're hesitant to get too close.

Could your past experiences be a factor here?

It's possible that you've had a bad experience in the past when making friends and have been hurt by them.

So you were afraid to make friends from then on.

As long as you don't make friends, you won't be hurt again unnecessarily.

It's an instinctive self-defense mechanism of your body.

If this is the case, it'd be a good idea to look into professional psychological counseling.

If you want to make friends, you can start with a simple smile. It'll show them you're approachable and that you're open to making friends.

You might also want to start with a small group.

For instance, you could start by making two or three friends.

Then, gradually expand your network to include 10 or more people.

I didn't learn how to make friends from my parents either, but I picked up a lot of useful tips by reading and learning on my own.

If you need it, you can also get help from a psychologist.

A counselor is a professional who can provide you with more tailored advice.

I really hope you can find a solution to the problem you're facing soon.

That's all I can think of for now.

I hope my answer is helpful and inspiring to you, the questioner. I'm the one who answered, and I study hard every day.

Best wishes from all of us here at Yixinli!

Just a quick note to say hi!

Hello, landlord!

First of all, I just want to say that it's totally normal to feel this way! We all go through this in our relationships. We show enthusiasm and friendliness, but when the other person doesn't respond the way we hoped or seems indifferent, it can feel frustrating and even a little uneasy. It can even feel like you're being ignored!

We've put together a few tips on making friends and showing appreciation in relationships that we hope will help.

It's so important to accept your emotions. First of all, understand that it is normal to have emotions, and don't feel ashamed or uneasy about them. Accepting your emotions is the first step towards understanding and coping with them.

It's totally normal to feel a little disappointed or sad when you're ignored.

Be honest with yourself about how you're feeling. If you're feeling uneasy or a bit flattered, take a moment to recognize and understand your emotions. Understanding the reasons behind these emotions will help you deal with them better.

When you please someone, you're actually lowering yourself and doing things you don't like. It's a bit of a trade-off, but if the other person loves you and cares about you, or if you are willing to go the extra mile, they'll change and become more and more concerned about you.

These are not flattery, but a two-way relationship.

It's so important to develop a sense of self-worth. Try to establish your own sense of self-worth and recognize your own unique charm and value. It's good to remember that you don't need to rely too much on the approval and evaluation of others. You can learn to affirm yourself from the inside.

It's so important to learn to say no and set boundaries in relationships. It's not about giving up your position or needs just to please others.

If you're feeling a bit overwhelmed, don't hesitate to reach out to a professional counselor. They're there to help you navigate your emotions and offer guidance on ways to cope.

It's so important to remember that making friends and socializing is a two-way street. It's not one-sided and it's not about constantly giving and pleasing others. Of course, a good relationship does require us to pay attention to it and maintain it with care, but true friendship is based on sincerity and equality. He will respect you and stand by you in good times and bad.

I really hope you can find some lovely friends who you can have a great, healthy, genuine friendship with. Good luck!

Good morning, my name is Coach Yu from XinTan, and I would like to discuss this topic with you.

First, let's discuss the importance of pleasing others. Reflect on your childhood experiences. When you first started to walk or to use chopsticks, were you interrupted and stopped countless times by your mother because she was worried and anxious and afraid of the consequences? Over time, we tend to judge ourselves when we are unsure about something, thinking, "I can't do it well." This can lead to a gradual decline in self-efficacy, making us vulnerable as adults and causing us to become overly concerned about other people's opinions and feelings. This is based on a low self-evaluation, or rather, our inner strength is not strong enough, so we blame ourselves for our inadequacies or shortcomings.

As the questioner stated, there appears to be a sense of satisfaction derived from social interactions, yet I frequently experience unease.

We can inquire of ourselves what the inner need is to express enthusiasm and friendliness. We can also inquire of ourselves what the inner need is to experience sourness and unease.

Additionally, we can inquire of ourselves what our response is when the subject of money is introduced. What emotions and feelings does this evoke within us?

We can also inquire as to our genuine requirements and the optimal interpersonal relationship.

Let's discuss the concept of acceptance. It is important to recognize that everyone has imperfections and aspects of themselves that they may not be comfortable with. These are aspects that others may not be willing to accept, and which we may not even be willing to acknowledge. In order to avoid confrontation and maintain social harmony, we often present a mask, pretending to be someone we are not. This can lead to a sense of exhaustion and frustration.

As the questioner stated, I am interested in forming new connections but am hesitant to do so due to concerns about potential compatibility and a lack of experience in this area.

We can inquire of ourselves what the underlying motivation is for the desire to form friendships. Similarly, we can ask ourselves what the underlying motivation is for the reluctance to form close, intimate friendships.

Additionally, we can inquire of the uneasy sensation, if it could speak, what it would convey to us.

One strategy is to write about one's strengths and weaknesses. When writing about weaknesses, it may be helpful to say, "I accept my XX deficiency, and I love myself." Mindfulness is a way of thinking, and it is important to deliberately practice it in our lives to improve.

It is possible to learn to distract oneself. When negative emotions and thoughts arise, one can try shouting "stop" at oneself, taking a deep breath, and doing something else, such as listening to music, stretching, etc., to distract oneself. Meditation and mindfulness are also very effective methods of regulation. One can also try recording one's current feelings.

Please feel free to write about your feelings in an honest manner. This will assist us in understanding the origin and impact of our emotions, as well as help us identify the root of the problem.

It is also advisable to seek assistance, as overcoming this issue may require time and support. Identify a family member or friend you trust and who has consistently provided positive guidance. If necessary, consult a counselor to express emotions and overcome emotional blockages.

Additionally, we endeavor to cultivate self-love, beginning with treating our bodies with kindness and affirming our growth and capacity to safeguard ourselves and our assets. We can then proceed to affirm and fulfill our needs or accept and appreciate our imperfect selves, recognizing that external opinions are inconsequential.

It is important to learn to look inward, embrace our inner child, and become our own inner parent. When we have done so, we will be able to show ourselves with confidence.

We recommend the following publication: "Stop Trying to Please Others: Be Secure and Strong in Yourself."

Hello, question asker! I'm glad to have the opportunity to help you, and I'm confident you'll find my answer useful.

I understand your feelings. We all want to be recognized and accepted in relationships, but we often fall into the trap of trying to please others, which causes distressing inner sourness and unease.

This is undoubtedly related to our early experiences and internal psychological needs. When growing up, we all longed for the attention and love of others.

When we feel neglected, we hide a part of our needs to gain the most love from others and try to please others unconsciously.

You want to show enthusiasm and friendliness when talking to others, but if they don't do the same, you feel sour and uneasy.

We want to be treated the same way by showing enthusiasm and friendliness. There's no question about it. But there's also a fear in the back of our minds that if we don't show enthusiasm and friendliness, we won't be recognized and loved by others.

You said that not having very close friends makes this situation even more obvious.

Your reflection on your own experience is remarkable. Undoubtedly, when we are face-to-face with others, we all hope to establish a closer relationship in some way, which shows that we cherish the relationship.

You say that when you hear someone talk about something they don't have but desire, you look stiff.

It shows how much we long for that unfulfilled thing. We learned early on to hide our true needs.

We resist making deep friends because we're afraid of being rejected and not being accepted after showing our true selves.

You must realize that your value does not depend on the attitudes and reactions of others. Learn to love and accept yourself.

Try these solutions:

First, pay attention to your own feelings and needs. When you want to please others, shift your attention back to yourself. Ask yourself why you want to do this and whether you really want to do it.

Your choice to act actively or passively makes a difference in how you feel about it.

Second, discover your own strengths and virtues, give yourself positive psychological suggestions, enhance your sense of self-identification, and learn to appreciate what you already have. When you can face yourself with more confidence, you will be more at ease in social interactions.

Third, be brave and try to establish real friendships. Don't worry about being rejected. Communicate sincerely with others and adjust your mindset and behavior as you go. When interacting with others, you can learn to listen and respect their thoughts and feelings while taking care of yourself, and you will establish real interpersonal relationships.

If you find it difficult to do the above, you may also need professional psychological help. I am confident that, together, we can slowly change and you will be able to find healthier and more confident ways of interacting with others and reap the rewards of true friendship.

The world and I love you!

Dear friend, I get it. This kind of unease and worry is very common, but it doesn't mean you can't change.

First, it's important to understand that everyone has their own value and doesn't need to prove themselves by trying to please others.

You mentioned that you tend to be a bit of a flatterer in social situations. I want to let you know that true friendships are built on equality and respect. When you interact with others, try to be yourself and show your true personality and interests.

Don't worry too much about what other people think. Everyone's expectations and expressions of friendship are different.

If you find yourself looking a bit stiff when you hear people talking about money or other things you don't have and don't aspire to have, it might be because you have some sensitivity and inferiority issues. But remember, everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses, and we can't have everything.

You might want to think about developing your interests and skills so that you have more topics to talk about with others and can build stronger connections.

If you feel uneasy in a shopping mall, it might be because the crowded environment makes you feel stressed. You can try to gradually get used to socializing in smaller social situations, such as going out to dinner with a few friends or attending small parties.

This will help you get more comfortable interacting with people and improve your social skills.

When it comes to friendship skills, it's a process that requires learning and practice. One way to start is by taking the initiative to greet, smile, and say hello to others. This is a great way to start building connections.

Listening is also key. When you're chatting with someone, try to listen more and talk less. Find out about their interests and thoughts. This will make the conversation more interesting and in-depth.

Finally, I just want to say that it's not true that you can't learn friendship skills if you didn't learn them in your biological family. Everyone has their own growth trajectory and learning style. You can learn and improve your social skills by reading, participating in social activities, seeking professional help, and other methods.

Remember, you deserve to be loved and respected, and don't sell yourself short.