Living life the way you hated it as a child? Always focusing on the outcome, how do you live in the present?

The host, the present is fantastic! Be grateful for the encounter.

After reading your description, I can tell that you're ready to make a change! It's clear that this behavior pattern is exhausting and that the rewards don't match the effort. You've also identified that this pattern was passed down from your mother, which is a great starting point. Now, it's time to figure out how to make a positive shift!

Let's talk about this topic together! I'm so excited to hear your thoughts.

1. Self-reflection

I know it can be tough to keep going when you're physically and mentally exhausted after each big project. It's natural to feel like the effort you put in doesn't match the rewards you get. But I'm here to tell you that you can absolutely make it work!

While others may offer you some recognition, which is a great reward for your efforts, you feel that this recognition will soon disappear and is not enough to satisfy you and make you feel that the effort is worthwhile.

So in this process, in addition to the recognition from the outside world, we can also satisfy ourselves to make up for the rest. For example, after each event, after the guests have left and the praise and recognition have ended,

Take some time for yourself. Write down all the amazing things you've done and all the wonderful things you've gained during this period. Make it as detailed as you can! Then, give yourself a big pat on the back for each thing you've done. Celebrate your amazing contribution, your growing confidence on stage, and all the amazing things you've learned and grown in this process.

And don't forget to accept the areas where you are temporarily lacking. Just look at them objectively and then summarize them.

When you give yourself this kind of compensation, I think you will be more motivated in the preparation process for the next event. Because you can satisfy yourself and appreciate yourself, you don't need to look outside for it, and you don't need the recognition of others to give you energy feedback. You'll be amazed at how much more motivated you'll be!

This is a great way to avoid disappointment! You can withdraw your expectations of others and focus more on yourself. Evaluate and position yourself clearly, and you'll be amazed at the results!

2. It's time to recognize the amazing psychological needs behind your actions!

You spend so much time preparing, paying so much attention to detail, and wanting the results to be perfect and spectacular because you can sense the psychological needs behind this behavior. And you want to be recognized, respected, and appreciated by others, too!

And there are so many other psychological needs out there for you to discover! You can do this by self-reflecting and summarizing.

Once you become aware of these psychological needs that you lack, you can start learning how to satisfy yourself! Because if you look outside for satisfaction, the probability of being satisfied is very small. So, you need someone to understand you in a special way!

Or you can consistently express it to others, so that they can clearly understand your psychological needs and satisfy you accurately! Of course, this also requires that the other person is not internally lacking, so that they are able to give it to you.

Otherwise, if the other person is internally lacking in something, how could they give it to you?

This is the most important thing! We need to realize it ourselves and then satisfy ourselves first. This way, you don't need to look outside for it, and you can avoid disappointment.

3. It's time to break out of this cycle!

You have a keen sense of awareness, and you know that this pattern of behavior comes from your mother's behavior back then. The good news is that you can break out of this cycle! All you need to do is draw a clear line between mother and child and establish a boundary between the two of you.

You don't need to satisfy your mother or fulfill her wishes. At the same time, you should be aware of your actions and know what you are doing and why—and you can do it!

Then you can learn some amazing meditation techniques to supercharge your concentration. Learn to manage your concentration so that you can live in the present moment slowly and fully.

For example, start by deliberately practicing the feeling of being in the present moment. Open your five senses to the things you are experiencing! See the shapes, colors, sizes, smells, textures, and sensations they bring to your body.

This will restore your body's sensitivity and help you to let go of your thoughts and live in the present moment!

When you're getting ready for training or an important event, feel the incredible sense of flow, the delightful surprise of new discoveries, and the joy of new growth! Don't worry about the results, just embrace each moment.

When you find yourself being carried away by your thoughts again, don't judge any of your thoughts! Just gently pull yourself back and continue to feel what you are experiencing in the present moment.

If you feel like you haven't done as well as you'd hoped during this process, it's totally okay! Give yourself the freedom to accept and love yourself just as you are. Remember, this is the journey of growth and learning, and it's all part of the process. Mistakes, shortcomings, and imperfections are just part of the adventure!

You're doing great! You're getting better and better, even though you're not doing well enough for the time being. Your acceptance of yourself will allow you to relax enough to stop being so tired.

I really hope my answer is helpful to you! I wish you the absolute best!

Hello, questioner! I'm Jiang 61, and I'm so happy to be here with you today.

First of all, thank you so much for trusting us and being willing to tell us your confusion in order to get answers. It's so great that you're willing to share your thoughts with us! I can see that you're asking yourself, "Have I become the kind of person I hated as a child?"

You're always so focused on the outcome, which is great! But I'd love to know how you live in the present. After reading your detailed introduction, I know the problems you're facing. Let's discuss them together!

1. Introduction

1️⃣. Attach importance to

You said, "I also know that I should no longer care too much about the results and learn to enjoy the process, but I just can't do it. Facing the upcoming topic sharing, although it is purely for public welfare, and the organizer may not have high expectations, it is just an ordinary parent salon, but I still attach great importance to it, always thinking about bringing some gains and joy to the parents. In addition to professional preparation, I will also deliberately listen to some online public classes to learn how other teachers design questions and interactions to liven up the atmosphere.

"In fact, there are still a lot of trivial matters to deal with in my usual work, but the theme of the salon I want to talk about always pops up in my mind from time to time. I'm always thinking about how to make improvements to make it better and more exciting."

I really care.

Reading this introduction, I feel that you are very serious, persistent, and strive for perfection, and I think that's great!

You care about the results because you want to present perfect results to everyone. And that's a great thing! Caring about results allows us to learn and improve our knowledge, which benefits everyone and produces good results. So, caring is not necessarily a bad thing.

Hey there! Just wanted to give you a friendly heads-up.

On the other hand, it shows how you approach your work. You care deeply about everything you do, and people feel comfortable when they know you're in charge.

You're just burning yourself out a bit, sweetie. This also shows that excessive care can lead to problems.

2️⃣, nervous

Oh, you're feeling nervous, huh?

You say, "This is killing me, and I can't relax every day." It seems like you've got a bit of a pattern going where you spend a lot of time planning for activities where you have to go on stage and present, or when important people are coming over.

You always want to achieve something big or make a big splash. And you're willing to put in the time and effort to do so!

And even if you get appreciation from others, you are happy at the time, but that can also leave you feeling pretty worn out, right?

I totally get it. The real reason you care about the result is that you want to make a splash and hear everyone praise you. So you get yourself all worked up and pour a lot of time and energy into doing something.

It's so great when you get what you want, but it can also be really tiring.

Genetics

"It was a shock to realise that I'd become the person I'd always hated. My mother also had to get everything ready for big events, like family birthday parties or important festivals. She'd think about what the guests would like and make sure everything was perfect. She'd be so excited the night before the event that she couldn't sleep, hoping everyone would like it. She'd be happy when the guests had a good time.

After all the guests left, she would collapse from exhaustion. I would always feel a sense of loss at that time. I felt that after all the preparations, it was just a big fuss that ended after half a day, and there was a big gap in my heart.

"

Your mom always made sure to prepare for every holiday and dinner party, hoping everyone would have a great time and be happy. She wanted to make sure she was happy too!

Afterwards, everyone left, and she was exhausted. You, on the other hand, feel that it's just not worth it. The excitement only lasts half a day, and the busy time is very long, leaving a big sense of disparity.

3️⃣. The question

You ask, "How can I break out of this cycle of repetition and lead a more carefree and comfortable life? Please give me some advice."

It seems like you're ready to break free from the strange circle of thinking and the constraints of being valued. This is a life you don't like, it's exhausting, and you don't feel it's worthwhile. You want to live a carefree and unhurried life, and you're asking what to do.

2. I totally get why you're focusing on results.

1️⃣, intergenerational transmission

Let's talk about something really interesting! It's called intergenerational transmission.

Have you ever heard of something called "intergenerational transmission"? It's a fascinating concept! It basically means that parents' abilities, concepts, behaviors, social status, and so on are passed on to their children. And it's not just about biological inheritance. It also includes the inheritance of a family's cultural genes, like ideas, cultural customs, and behaviors that can be passed down from one generation to the next.

It's so interesting how we learn from our parents and ancestors! Intergenerational transmission is a big deal in psychology and economics. It's the process by which the psychological and behavioral traits of one generation are passed on to the next. And it's mostly happening without us realizing it! Kids learn from their families and interactions with their parents at a young age to adopt similar behaviors and mindsets.

She's inherited her mom's lifestyle, bless her heart!

The questioner, because she lives with her mother, has unconsciously inherited her mother's lifestyle and psychological model through hearing and seeing. Although she may not like it, her inner needs will not deceive you. She has naturally started caring about what others are talking about.

2️⃣, Personality Reasons

People with a pleasing personality are just so lovely to be around!

A pleasing personality is one that is always happy to please others, even if it means putting their own feelings on the back burner. The essence of pleasing is that others are more important than me. I feel safe and loved when I'm making others feel comfortable.

So, you see, you are just like your mother. She is more concerned about what others think of her than about your true feelings about the hard work you have done.

Let's talk about the depressed personality.

People with a melancholic personality have so many wonderful qualities!

Characteristics: thoughtful, highly sensitive, idealistic, and in pursuit of truth, goodness, and beauty.

On the bright side, you're delicate and perceptive, loyal and reliable, and talented and insightful!

On the downside, you might find that this person is a little stubborn, indecisive, self-centered, pessimistic, and passive.

The questioner is also a sensitive person with a very strong perfectionist mindset. They must do things to the extreme. The questioner loves to dwell on the negative. They are pessimistic and passive, so they need others to affirm them in order to feel secure.

This is why it's so important to understand the impact the questioner's personality has on them.

3️⃣, expectations

Now, let's talk about expectations.

Have you ever thought about what expectations really mean? It's a wonderful thing! It's a vision or longing for something we can't wait to see or experience in the future. It's our hopes, desires, and good wishes for something we know is yet to come.

Expectations are often closely linked to people's beautiful imagination of life and the pursuit of ideals. For loved ones, they are a sense of hope and confidence.

And don't forget to expect some love and affirmation along the way!

From the questioner's introduction, we can see that her mother is a very caring person. She loves to make others happy and feels a sense of accomplishment when she can do so. It seems that her mother is a bit unsure of herself and looks for praise and affirmation from others to gain a sense of self-worth.

Like her mom, the questioner also needs to feel loved and valued.

3. What to do

1️⃣, Understand yourself

It's so important to understand yourself!

It's so important to understand yourself! This means having a good grasp on your personality, interests, hobbies, strengths, weaknesses, areas of expertise, areas of ability, and even your thoughts, language, and behavioral habits.

It's so important to build self-confidence!

We all have different strengths and abilities, and we choose to do what we like, what we are good at, and what we are capable of based on an understanding of ourselves. When we play to our strengths, we can achieve success, prove our abilities, feel a sense of value, and build up our self-confidence.

2️⃣, Self-affirmation

Self-affirmation is a wonderful thing!

Self-affirmation is a psychological term that refers to an individual's recognition, appreciation, and affirmation of their own external image, mental outlook, character traits, and behavior. Self-affirmation can lead to self-esteem and the development of self-confidence, which is great! It can also lead to self-satisfaction and self-indulgence, which is also wonderful!

Self-motivation is a wonderful thing!

Questioner: We understand ourselves, love ourselves, and constantly affirm and motivate ourselves. We gradually become confident, don't care about other people's opinions, and get the results you want. And the best part is, you can do it too!

3️⃣, be yourself!

Love yourself!

We don't look to others for a sense of worth, pride, or security. We love ourselves and we make sure we meet our own needs, so we can feel loved, valued, and happy!

Just be yourself!

When we understand ourselves and love ourselves, we're free to do what's right for us, improve ourselves, and be ourselves. No more feeling bound by our mothers' demands!

Questioner, our life patterns are influenced by our original families. The good news is that we can change this! By re-understanding ourselves, building self-confidence, motivating ourselves, and strengthening our self-confidence, we can get out of caring about other people's evaluations and gain a beautiful life of our own.

I just want to wish the original poster a happy life!

Hello! I'm a mindfulness coach, and I just wanted to say, "Fly free, life is a beautiful journey, not for appreciation, but for blooming."

You feel like you've entered a pattern from which you can't escape. You prepare meticulously, pay excessive attention, and are full of expectations before you start, but the result is not satisfactory or you only get short-lived pleasure. It's just like your mother's pattern, and you don't like it, but you can't get away from it. I totally get it!

The good news is that you've noticed this pattern in yourself: focusing too much on the result. This can lead to a situation where the higher the expectations, the greater the disappointment. It's like you can't enjoy the process fully.

And awareness is the key to making things better. All of this means that things are getting better and better! Keep up the great work of staying aware while also seeing what need is being met behind this pattern in yourself.

Take, for instance, the desire to be affirmed, praised, and approved by others through good results. This is something we all want, and it's perfectly natural. We all want to feel like we've done a good job and that others think we're doing a good job.

Let's take a look together at how you "benefit" from this pattern. That is, a pattern is "kept" because we get some kind of "benefit" from it, or it serves to protect us.

As you mentioned, when you go on stage to give a presentation, you get "nervous," prepare for a long time in advance, can't stop thinking about it, and it's always on your mind even when you're doing other things.

It's true that a little bit of tension is actually good for getting things done because it helps us focus. But when we have too much tension, it can turn into anxiety, which is that fear that things are getting out of control.

And the best way to reduce or avoid anxiety is to return to the present. How? By taking action!

It's like on the football field, where the players are just nervous and fully engaged in the game, but the fans in the stands are anxious. The best way to not be anxious is to walk onto the field and take action!

We've got some great tips to help you relax!

Happy Treasury: Before you go on stage, think of something very happy in advance. When you are happy, you will remain relaxed, my dear.

The good news is that the content, i.e. the preparation beforehand, is already complete! It doesn't really help to focus on the stage, but you can adjust your state of mind.

It's a great idea to rehearse the future! Rehearse the whole process in advance. Imagine yourself on stage, down to the costume, the expression, the reaction of the audience, etc.

When you've imagined going on stage lots of times, it'll feel totally familiar when you're actually there. Lots of Olympic athletes do this, and it really works!

It's important to remember that you and your mother are not necessarily the same.

Mothers are so thoughtful! They prepare carefully, enjoy the process, and feel their own value and sense of accomplishment after others have enjoyed it.

Be kind to yourself! If you feel physically exhausted or emotionally disappointed, take a moment to stand back and take an objective view. Your judgments are just opinions, not facts.

However, using others as a mirror can show you what you have gained and lost. It can also help you to make changes within your own abilities, which is really great!

The lovely book "Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life" suggests that we learn more about how our thoughts (ideas) affect us.

I really hope this is helpful for you. I love you and I love the world too!

If you'd like to keep chatting, you can follow my personal homepage, "Heart Exploration Service."

The questioner's heart is filled with conflict and confusion. If you pursue results excessively, you will focus more attention on the results, especially on what others think of you, and less attention on the actual process of doing it. If you get recognition and praise from others, you will be happy and believe in your abilities. If you don't get recognition and praise, you will be disappointed and lose heart, and you will question and blame yourself.

You must accept that you cannot control whether you are happy or not. You cannot and should not bear this responsibility. Who wants to bear this responsibility and can bear it? You will also lose the experience of the feelings during the process of doing it. You will neglect some details because you will not calm down and devote more energy to paying attention to it, making it easier to do it badly.

The questioner knows it's not good to focus too much on the result, but he just can't help thinking and doing this way. It's influenced by his mother on one hand and his desire for attention, recognition, acceptance, and importance from others on the other.

To adjust to this situation, you must first accept this way of thinking, allow yourself to have these thoughts, and want to do them. The result is important, but it is more important than the process of the result. At the same time, you must also tell yourself, "No matter what the result is, I have done my best, and I am no worse than others. This is equivalent to accepting your complete and true self, which can reduce internal conflicts and satisfy internal needs.

When your inner needs are satisfied, you don't always look to others for fulfillment. These are my personal views and are for the questioner's reference only.

Hello. You may have noticed that your thinking and behavior patterns are somewhat similar to your mother's. You tend to pay particular attention to other people's comments and feedback, and may sometimes feel that receiving praise is the main goal of doing something. This could lead to a perception that the result is good or bad depending on whether other people's comments are positive or negative.

However, it is worth noting that the praise of others can often bring only temporary satisfaction, which may then give way to feelings of fatigue and loss.

The pursuit of a positive evaluation can sometimes be driven by a fear or anxiety that one may not meet the standards set by others. While positive feedback can be a valuable form of encouragement, it may not always lead to a lasting sense of joy if it is primarily focused on eliminating or avoiding the underlying fear. Instead, it could be more beneficial to cultivate a genuine sense of self-efficacy, which is the belief in one's ability to succeed.

It might be helpful to consider whether you have similar concerns. If I don't receive the best possible praise from the audience, listeners, or authorities, then the event might not be as successful as I'd hoped, and I might not have met my own expectations.

Perhaps we could consider redefining the term "results." It may be that results are not necessarily the same as evaluations. They could be: a new challenge completed; new skills learned; a new group of people met and your knowledge passed on to them; an interactive process that stimulated everyone to think; there was a lot of fun in the activity... etc. In the movie "Spicy Hot," the female protagonist Le Ying participated in a boxing competition. She really wanted to win, but in the end she lost the match against a professional boxer. After the competition, she broke her years of silence and posted her first WeChat Moment: "I fought a boxing match!"

"You win once." She has given the competition her own definition, and the result is victory after the competition is over.

Happiness can also be a goal. For example, in the highly anticipated poker card magic trick at this year's Spring Festival Gala, host Xiao Ni's "mismatch" mistake was unfortunate for this particular occasion. However, in the end, everyone seemed to enjoy the real performance, which was more memorable than a flawless magic trick.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider that when it comes to the things you are devoted to, you can give them some meaning of your own. It might also be beneficial to stop using other people's opinions as the sole or main measure and to see if you can accept trial and error more and develop your potential from it.

I just wanted to say a big thank you for all your hard work in making our salon a success. I know you feel like this state of mind bothers you and makes you act like the mother you hated as a child, but I really appreciate all you do for everyone who comes to the salon.

I totally get it! It's so important to make sure that you're well prepared and that the salon is well run. That way, your clients will get something out of their time at the salon and they'll enjoy it!

I totally get it. I can see that this state of anxiety and tension is still troubling you. You want to be able to live in the present moment with ease and calm.

It's totally normal to have these thoughts! Most people feel this way. It's just human nature to want to be relaxed and happy.

From a psychological perspective, your anxiety is totally normal. It's actually a good thing! It's a sign that you're engaged and focused. Moderate anxiety is the easiest way to achieve good results. So a little anxiety is not necessarily a bad thing. However, if you find yourself feeling overly anxious, it might be time to take a step back and assess the situation.

You're absolutely right! When it comes to living in the moment with ease and pleasure, people who can complete the task at hand with ease and comfort are usually more experienced and confident. But where does confidence come from?

I'm sure you'll agree that confidence comes from success. When you've done similar work more than once and have gained experience, and then do it again knowing some of the processes, you'll find that you're naturally not anxious and will enjoy the process and feel at ease.

So if you want to be able to handle similar tasks at hand with ease, you first need to accumulate some successful experiences. It's totally normal to feel anxious and frantic at the beginning. Success will come with adequate preparation, I promise!

And then, little by little, your confidence and self-esteem will grow from all these great experiences you're having. When you have more successful experiences, you'll naturally relax and feel more at ease.

Let's circle back to your mother's topic. Why did her state make you hate her? It might have something to do with the way you interact with your mother. When she's fully engaged in her work, does she ignore you?

I'm so sorry you're going through this. When he's anxious, does he express his emotions on you or your family? If so, I understand why you'd feel uncomfortable and hate him.

When you're in this state, you can try to pay attention to it, relax, and give yourself some positive mental suggestions. From what you've said, it seems like you care a lot about what others think of you.

So, how do you evaluate yourself? Take a moment to think about it. What are your strengths? When you encounter similar tasks in the future, you can remind yourself of your strengths and complete the task with ease.

Another really important point is that you've taken the time to really see your current state. There's a great saying in psychology that seeing is healing.

You're so close! There's just one more step between seeing and healing. You've taken the first step by asking questions. I truly believe that with time and effort, you'll find the answers you're looking for.

Thank you so much for asking the question! It gave us a chance to chat about it. I love you, and I'm here for you!

Good morning, My name is Shu Yaping, and I am a psychological coach. I am grateful for our meeting.

Not everyone is able to achieve the professional quality of being conscientious and dedicated at work.

However, the underlying cause is often a lack of enjoyment and ease in one's work. This can be a source of significant frustration.

What strategies can be employed to mitigate the adverse effects of this "deadly cycle" and enhance overall well-being and productivity?

1. Understanding Compulsive Repetition

Over a century ago, Freud observed that a five-year-old child would repeatedly discard a toy from view and then search for it.

Freud referred to this phenomenon as "obsessive repetition." It is also observed in adults.

This is to say that the repeated experience of the same emotions, relationships, and actions, even when the consequences of this repetition are painful, is a phenomenon that can be observed in individuals across the lifespan.

We can understand compulsive repetition as the replication of relationship patterns formed in childhood on a constant basis.

It is evident that our daily routines often entail similar patterns, such as waking up at approximately the same time each morning, taking a consistent route to work, and consuming the same preferred foods. These repetitive actions undoubtedly hold significant personal meaning.

It is also possible to use an accepting attitude and increase self-awareness to help us recognize compulsive repetition.

You may wish to consider seeking the assistance of a counselor or teacher, or alternatively, you can attempt to gain greater clarity regarding your genuine thoughts and requirements through continuous learning and self-development.

The "Valenda effect"

The "Warenda effect" is named after the famous American tightrope walker, who, in his later years, focused excessively on the outcome and ultimately failed for the last time.

Psychologists have identified a phenomenon they call the "Wallenius mindset," which is characterized by constant worry about whether one is achieving something or not, or whether one is under great psychological pressure.

This ultimately results in counterproductive outcomes, which is commonly referred to as the "Walenda effect."

If you prioritize the opinions and emotions of others and the final outcome over your own needs and feelings at work, you may find yourself feeling depleted while others around you are content.

It is evident that we have subjected ourselves to a form of "bad stress," similar to the "Walenda effect."

While positive stress can lead to positive emotions, the latter can result in negative emotions that can have a detrimental impact on an individual's energy levels, potentially leading to exhaustion and loss.

How can you achieve a positive work-life balance and experience greater job satisfaction?

It is possible to achieve a state of calm and relaxation, which will in turn facilitate the realization of one's potential and result in a sense of comfort and ease.

The third step is to accept yourself.

We tend to evaluate ourselves based on universal standards, categorizing certain traits as either positive or negative.

It is important to recognize that a complete self is comprised of both positive and negative traits.

It is important to recognize that the positive and negative aspects of an individual's personality may not always align. The negative traits may, in fact, contain valuable insights and lessons.

To facilitate growth, it is essential to recognize the diverse aspects of our identity and embrace our individuality.

It is essential to recognize that completeness, not perfection, is the key to success. Accepting oneself as one is is a crucial step in achieving personal and professional growth.

It is important to provide yourself with the necessary care and attention to ensure your personal well-being.

Psychology posits that two conditions are necessary for personal change: awareness and understanding of oneself, and the formation of new emotional experiences.

It is possible to learn and grow, and to nurture oneself and love oneself well.

The morning is a valuable time for reconnecting with our hearts and bodies.

It is beneficial to spend a few minutes listening to our inner voice in order to gain insight into the feelings and needs that may be influencing our emotions.

This self-awareness entails adopting a third-person perspective and employing non-judgmental and non-denying thinking to observe these feelings and needs from a distance, rather than attempting to control them.

To re-nurture ourselves also includes learning to provide support, learning to encourage ourselves, learning to unconditionally support ourselves, and being our true selves.

When this process is carried out consistently, the inner child is nourished and empowered.

When we accept ourselves fully, we will experience a reduction in internal consumption and conflict. We will no longer allow external judgments and rejections to influence our actions, and we will no longer deny ourselves for perceived shortcomings.

When we can set aside the opinions of others and refrain from measuring ourselves against a single outcome, we can more effectively enjoy the process of doing things.

We will continue to develop ourselves as we work, affirming our worthiness and self-worth, and recognizing that our lives will improve.

When we can continue to treat ourselves in a positive manner, we will possess the courage and strength to maintain a comfortable and composed demeanor.

The key to self-care is self-love.

Love provides the motivation and courage needed to navigate the complexities of the modern world. It also allows us to set clear boundaries and protect our energy.

I hope this message finds you well. I just wanted to say that I love the world and I hope this helps.

The situation you describe is not uncommon. Many people find themselves unable to enjoy the process when they focus too much on the result. This pattern may be the result of the pursuit of perfection and the desire for recognition. Here are some suggestions that may help you break out of this cycle and live more freely and calmly:

1. **Embrace the opportunity to learn and grow:** It's important to understand that things can't always be perfect. Rather than focusing on the flaws, try to see every activity as an opportunity to learn and grow.

2. **Adjust expectations:** It may be helpful to set more realistic expectations for your performance and the outcome of your activities. Not every effort will result in a perfect outcome, but that doesn't mean it was worthless or unproductive.

3. It might be helpful to focus on the process rather than the result. This could involve finding enjoyment in preparing and carrying out activities, as well as interacting with participants and sharing knowledge and experiences.

4. **Self-reflection:** It might be helpful to think about why you care so much about the outcome. Could it be because you are afraid of failure?

Or could it be that you want to be recognized? Understanding the motivation behind it might help you better manage your stress.

5. It might be helpful to learn to let go a little. Perhaps it's not always necessary to take on all the responsibility yourself. It could be beneficial to share the responsibility with others and accept that they may not do things exactly the way you would.

6. Consider developing an attitude of gratitude. It may be helpful to be grateful for every opportunity and experience, regardless of the outcome.

7. **Rest and relaxation:** It is important to ensure that you have time to relax and recharge. This will help you to recover from stressful situations and face future challenges with a more positive attitude.

8. **Seek support:** It may be helpful to share your feelings and concerns with trusted friends or family members. They may be able to offer a different perspective or advice.

9. If you feel you could benefit from some additional support, you might like to consider seeking the guidance of a professional counsellor. A counsellor can help you to understand the underlying causes of your behaviour and provide you with strategies to cope more effectively.

10. Consider practicing mindfulness meditation. It can help you live in the present moment better and reduce excessive focus on the past or future.

It is important to remember that change takes time and practice. It is not necessary to be able to relax completely right away, but with consistent effort and self-care, you can gradually learn to face life's challenges more calmly.

Dear question asker, I have read your question.

I can comprehend your perspective. You indicate that your mother consistently prepares meticulously in advance for each significant occasion, aiming to attain a favorable outcome.

This indicates that she is a highly serious and responsible individual. It is reasonable to assume that this also elicits admiration from you.

However, once the task is complete, a sense of aimlessness and confusion may emerge. This may be attributed to the individual's own elevated expectations.

Your mother's behavior patterns have had a profound impact on you. You place undue importance on achieving the perfect result, which often leads to feelings of tension and anxiety.

Furthermore, the state persists even after the task is complete.

It is uncertain whether the reader is familiar with the adage, "The important thing is to participate." This appears to be a source of solace that enables individuals to prioritize the act of participation itself, rather than fixating on the outcome. However, it is crucial to recognize that the underlying objective is to achieve a sense of fulfillment through the completion of the task, accompanied by a sense of ease and contentment.

The following suggestions are offered for consideration by the questioner.

It is essential to maintain a healthy balance between work and rest. In both life and work, there are numerous tasks that require attention.

However, even the most robust constitution requires recuperation. When one experiences pronounced fatigue, it is imperative to cease exertion.

Even if it is merely listening to a song or taking a brief respite, such activities are not inherently futile. A temporary cessation can be an effective means of readying oneself for the subsequent phase.

Mindfulness meditation involves setting aside all concerns and focusing solely on the self.

One might consider attempting this approach.

It is advisable to discuss these issues in a timely manner. It may be helpful to confide in a trusted family member or friend.

Should you be unable to identify a suitable individual, the platform's listening therapist may also be a viable option.

It is my sincere hope that this will be of benefit to you. I extend my love to you, and to the world.

I believe that life is an experience.

Hello, thread starter, I send you a virtual hug from afar. I can relate to your experience of trying to please others while feeling anxious.

From an early age, I was not an academic prodigy, but I invested a great deal of time and effort into my studies in an effort to impress my mother.

While being admitted to a 985 university is certainly an achievement, it is important to remember that the real world is constantly changing and that graduates are now a common occurrence.

After joining my first company, the platform was very good and very glamorous, but I was always deeply involved in my own personal challenges. I was also involved in many activities, including speech contests, provincial competitions, and receiving certificates. It seemed that I had not missed any of them, but when I really took the time to reflect, I realized that I had not done any of them as well as I could have. Who am I without this platform? At that time, my physical condition was not optimal, and I was experiencing some emotional challenges. The leaders arranged tasks that were not always aligned with my strengths, and the customers had high demands, but I believed that I could be a valuable contributor. However, my contributions were not always fully recognized. In the end, I chose to leave, even though everyone said at that time that I was on the rise and would have a better chance of resources if I didn't leave. But a voice in my heart told me, "You're not doing as well here as you could be. Is that really what you want?"

Twenty-two years later, I found myself repeating the same mistake. I was trying to please my boss, and I struggled for a year. I achieved some results, but I wonder if those were the results you were looking for.

It seems that I don't. I just want to be seen infinitely. But then I met a counselor who asked me, "What is the purpose of these results you want to pursue?" I said, "It's to be able to live a better life. If the ultimate goal is to make yourself feel better, perhaps it would be beneficial to take care of yourself now."

That sentence really made me think. I have always believed that life is an experience, but I guess I forgot about it myself. So I began to take care of my own feelings, stop overburdening myself, and just do my due diligence.

I would like to share a saying that I find particularly powerful with you: "Love makes a person grow flesh and blood," even if it comes from oneself.

I hope this finds you well.

I appreciate your frustration. It is understandable that focusing on the outcome and the preparation process can be mentally and physically exhausting.

However, it is important to note that you are not alone in this challenge. Many individuals have experienced a similar mentality of striving for perfection.

Let's consider the issue from a different angle. Your focus on sharing activities stems from your passion for knowledge and your sense of responsibility as a parent.

This attitude is valuable because it indicates a willingness to give one's best effort. However, an excessive focus on this attitude can also result in a loss of enjoyment and ease in the process.

Let us consider the following anecdote: There was once a potter who was deeply engaged in the creative process each time he made pottery, yet he never considered how his work would be evaluated.

He simply enjoyed the feeling of the clay flowing in his hands and the creative process. One day, his work unexpectedly won a major prize, but he accepted the recognition calmly, noting that he had simply done what he enjoyed doing.

This story illustrates the importance of focusing on the process rather than the outcome, as this often leads to unexpected results.

In psychology, the concept of "flow" is defined as a state of inner peace and satisfaction that individuals experience when they are fully absorbed in an activity.

In this state, we shift our focus from the outcome to the pleasure derived from the process. To achieve this state of flow, we can employ the following methods:

1. Select an activity that you are passionate about. Only if you love the activity itself can you truly enjoy it.

2. Set clear goals. It is important to note that the goal is not to gain the approval of others, but rather to improve and grow professionally.

3. Concentrate on the process. Focus on the task at hand, not the outcome.

4. Select tasks that are neither too easy nor too difficult, in order to maintain your best performance.

Now, let's address the issue at hand. You tend to focus excessively on the outcome when confronted with significant tasks, which hinders your ability to fully engage with the process.

The reason for this may be your pursuit of perfection and your concern about the opinions of others. However, it is important to remember that perfection is unattainable and that everyone's opinion is subjective.

While we cannot control the opinions of others, we can control our own mindset.

I would like to offer the following advice on this matter:

1. Adjust your mindset: Learn to let go of the pursuit of perfection and the concern about others' evaluation. Believe that your professional ability and level of preparation are sufficient to handle the sharing activities.

2. Focus on the process: Focus on the content of the sharing, interactions with parents, and your own professional growth. Enjoy every detail and every challenge in the preparation process.

3. Set incremental goals: Divide larger objectives into smaller, more manageable units and provide yourself with a token of appreciation for each one you complete. This approach makes it simpler to maintain motivation and focus.

4. Relaxation is an important aspect of the preparation process. It is beneficial to relieve tension through meditation, deep breathing, or yoga.

5. Seek support. Share your feelings and any confusion you may have with family, friends, or colleagues. They may be able to provide advice and support that you hadn't considered.

I would like to take this opportunity to reassure you that you are not alone in this situation. Many of us have experienced similar circumstances and emotions.

It is important to remember that life is not solely a process of pursuing results; it is also a journey of enjoying the process. Only when we truly let go of our obsession with results can we truly appreciate the beauty and ease of life.

I hope you can break out of this vicious cycle soon and enjoy a more carefree and relaxed lifestyle.

Hello, question asker. I can see the confusion you are facing now, but I can help you.

You are probably a perfectionist.

You will feel that you must do your best at everything.

If you focus on the result, you will be unhappy. It's a bit like living for other people; it's a bit like doing a task or a chore.

However, the fact is that no one remembers afterwards, so you won't be happy.

Focus on the process and you are living for yourself.

You are living for yourself, so you can accept any result with equanimity.

We all know that to live a happy life, you have to learn to enjoy the process, rather than focusing on the result.

The former is living for yourself. The latter is living for others.

The fact is, even if the result is not good, it does not make us bad.

Everything we do will be liked or disliked by someone.

You should read Adler's thoughts (The Courage to Be Disliked) if you want to know more about this topic.

I am confident that you will resolve the problem you are facing soon.

That's all I have to say on the matter.

I am confident that my above answer is helpful and inspiring to you, the questioner. As the answerer, I can assure you that I study hard every day.

Here at Yixinli, the world and I love you. Best wishes!

!

My dear, I can see that you are troubled, and you seem to be a little dissatisfied with your current situation. Let's try to look at it together, okay?

[Recognize and understand your uniqueness]

You are so responsible when it comes to parent salons! You "take it very seriously," "want to bring parents some benefit and joy," "prepare professionally," "learn how to design questions and interactions to liven up the atmosphere," and "always think about how to make improvements to make it even better and more exciting."

Once you pay attention to something, you'll be very serious and responsible, just to make things better and more exciting. This is your wonderful characteristic, your advantage, and also your personal uniqueness.

It's so great that when we see our own characteristics, we can embrace them and make the most of them!

[Happy moments are short-lived, and I feel physically exhausted]

It's so true! From the results of a scientific research project to an enterprise reaching the top of its industry, and from the success of a conference to the happy time of the participants, the time period is actually very short. There's a lot of preparation that needs to be done beforehand, and it's totally understandable that it can lead to physical exhaustion.

Every successful result is bound to have a lot of hard work in the early stages. It's not easy to achieve success, is it? It might seem effortless to outsiders, but we all know it's not true!

I know it can be tough to prepare carefully and take action, but if you don't, will your mind feel easier? Will you stop thinking about the parent salon meeting?

So, if you stop preparing for action, but your thoughts are consumed, and you get a not-so-good result, which would you prefer? I know I would! I'd much rather prepare carefully in advance and be a little tired, but get a very satisfying result.

I think you already know the answer, sweetheart.

It's so important to prepare for the important things in advance, don't you think? It can be a bit tiring, but it's not particularly bad.

You're great just the way you are!

If you feel like you shouldn't be acting this way, you're only hurting yourself by engaging in self-defeating behavior.

"Please, allow me to be just as I am, to express myself just as I do.

Just go with the flow! Let your experiences be whatever they are, and enjoy every moment. Allow anything to happen, and you'll find that things will begin and end in this way.

Please, also allow yourself to feel any sadness or frustration you might have about this situation. And please don't criticize or blame yourself for having these feelings.

"You know, if we feel like we shouldn't have such thoughts, it's only going to hurt ourselves. The best thing we can do is just allow it."

(This part is from Hellinger's "I Allow")

I just wanted to share this with you in case it helps.

Hi, I'm Li Di☀, and I'm happy we connected.

You feel like you put too much emphasis on the end result when planning events. Even if others don't value you, you still put in a lot of effort, wanting to make an impact and receive praise and recognition. But at the same time, you find yourself very tired, both physically and mentally. It's like when you were a child and saw your mother preparing all kinds of parties like this. You hate this feeling. Give me a hug. You want to break out of this cycle, but you don't know how, and you're very distressed.

Let's look at the psychological reasons behind your feelings and needs together so you can understand and accept yourself better.

From what you said, I can tell how important the upcoming parents' salon is to you and how much you want to make it a success. You're a kind and responsible person, and you want to make sure that everyone who goes to the event gets something out of it.

You also said that you felt a lot of pressure and anxiety during the preparation process, and that sometimes this pressure made it difficult for you to relax.

This may be your way of showing that you need to be recognized and appreciated. There's nothing wrong with wanting a positive response to your efforts, but this need may cause you to set high standards for yourself without realizing it.

When you can't meet these standards, you might feel disappointed or even exhausted. This is a common psychological process that many people experience when facing important events.

You said your mom acted the same way when she was getting ready for big events. This might mean you've picked up some of her traits or that you've seen this behavior since you were young. You might think that only through careful planning and hard work can you get the respect and love of others. This is a deeply ingrained way of thinking.

To get out of this cycle, first of all, you need to realize that although preparation is important, excessive worry doesn't guarantee a better result. It can even affect your physical and mental health. Try to accept and trust your abilities. Believe that even if you don't achieve so-called "perfection," your sharing will still be valuable, and your efforts will still be seen and appreciated.

You might also want to try adjusting your expectations to be a bit more realistic and manageable. It's okay to make mistakes and learn from them.

Every experience is part of the growth process, and they are all valuable, regardless of the outcome. Also, try to focus on the fun and satisfaction of the activity itself, rather than just the result.

You can also try some relaxation techniques, like meditation, deep breathing exercises, or yoga, to help you relax when you're feeling stressed. These are all great ways to help you focus on the present and reduce your anxiety.

Finally, if you're struggling to cope with these emotions on your own, it might be helpful to speak to a counselor. They can help you understand the underlying reasons behind your feelings and provide strategies to help you manage stress more effectively.

Remember, your value isn't based on what others think of you. It's about how you see yourself and what you know about yourself. I hope you can find inner peace and enjoy the upcoming salon, while also creating more peaceful moments for yourself.

I hope this helps. Have a great day!

Hi there, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry to hear that. I'd like to offer you a hug if you'd like.

I read that you said you put a lot of effort into doing activities that show off to others because you want that "bang for your buck" effect. You feel that you are too focused on the result and not just enjoying the process. Even if you achieve the result of being admired, you will feel tired after a short period of happiness because you have put in too much energy. You think back to when you were a child and your mother did the same thing, preparing for parties in advance. After the short period of hustle and bustle, there was only exhaustion left, which made you feel lost. So much time was spent preparing, but it only left half a day of hustle and bustle. You said in the title that you have lived the way you hated as a child.

First of all, I want to say that we always leave the marks of growth, whether they are things we once liked or hated. They are always the most familiar to us, so we will unconsciously gravitate towards that familiar state. But it's not that there are no choices. When you see what you used to choose, you can choose what you want to choose now. As long as we are aware, we have choices. Of course, we can't suddenly become the complete opposite, just as we didn't suddenly become this self. But we can constantly be aware and make choices. Just as you said, you have made professional preparations, attended professional classes, learned interactive methods, and so on. These moments can be both your efforts for a result and the moment you enjoy. As long as you let yourself enjoy that moment whenever you remember it, then there will be more and more moments like this, until you become the person you have in mind who enjoys the moment.

I want to tell you that it doesn't matter if you value the result. Someone in this world always values the result more. It's like the two sides of yin and yang. Some people enjoy the process while others care about the result. Of course, you always have the right to choose. It's normal to care about other people's stares, and to desire recognition, praise, and even the envy of others. This is our innate need. Such emotions can help us integrate better into the group. It may even be the ability to obtain more resources to survive in ancient times. So you don't have to be harsh on yourself for this. There is always a reason for its existence. Of course, I still want to say that you can still choose whether to continue to follow it, or to accept it and let it exist quietly but not obey it.

I've had similar feelings. When I was a kid, I hated that my mom was so good to the family. I hated that she was such a good mother, wife, and daughter. I wanted to become an independent person with a strong sense of self. I didn't achieve this, though. Later, I spent a lot of time exploring why I hated her so much. I came up with many reasons: because she was weak, suffered, suffered losses, and was not free. The most important reason was that it made her very tired. I wanted her to be happier and more relaxed. I rejected her busyness with the family. What I hated was the result of that, which was that it made my mom very tired. I confused this point and became I hated her for being like that. When I realized this, I could accept her more and also accept the part of myself that gives to others. I will better control that degree and give just the right amount, caring for the family without making myself feel tired. The more you reject something, the more difficult it is to change. Hating is also a kind of attachment to it. When you accept it, its sense of existence will become smaller and smaller because you let it go.

I'm not sure if my answer will be helpful, but I'd like to suggest a book called "A Change of Heart." Many of our problems originate from our own thoughts, but the good news is that we can change them if we want to.

Hello, question asker! I'm happy to hear that you're feeling anxious because you're overthinking things. Take care!

First of all, I want to say that I value comments too. I don't think there's anything wrong with valuing comments. In my opinion, comments are a reference that can indirectly reflect whether you've done a good job. They'll remind us where we've done well and where we still need to improve.

As with everything in life, there are two types of answers: essential and high-quality. When I only rate a response as high-quality, I think about why it's not essential so I can see what I still need to work on. If you can face the matter of evaluation, I think it'll help you improve.

Secondly, I'd like to ask you, as a child, why you disliked your mother's approach, which took half a day to complete for the sake of evaluation.

What was the thinking behind your disappointment?

Was it just because you felt she was tired? Or was it

I'd like to circle back to something you mentioned earlier. What were your thoughts on your mother's behavior, which took half a day to complete the evaluation? Was it just because she was tired? Or were you concerned that she might get too tired and harm her health? Do you think it's a meaningless task, and there's no need to make yourself unhappy for the sake of others?

Were you concerned that her efforts might be too much for her to handle and potentially harm her health?

Do you think it's pointless to make yourself unhappy for the sake of others?

Did you feel like she was ignoring you when she did this?

Do you think she's worthless like this, that others don't recognize her, and you don't want that to happen to you?

And then there's you. Again, there are some questions:

What are some other ways you can get recognition from others?

What kind of feedback do you think is good and satisfactory?

Was it the toasting and clinking of glasses in the room, the eloquent speech on the stage, or the flattering comments from everyone?

If you or others didn't show these things, do you think you got a bad evaluation? (Some people don't give immediate feedback.)

I think that after answering these questions, you'll have a better understanding of yourself. Being aware can help you find stability and gain a deeper insight into yourself.

Finally, you also feel a conflict between your emotions and your reason. You know it's not right, but it's just the way you feel. Emotions are much stronger than reason, so I hope you can accept this through mindfulness meditation, etc. After your emotions settle down, you'll be able to think things through!

I hope my ideas have been useful! Best wishes!