Living with my mother-in-law, coming home to cook makes me feel the house is so dirty, it doesn't feel like a home.

Hello, question asker!

I saw your question on the platform about the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. I get where you're coming from, and I understand the sense of helplessness you're feeling right now, especially since your husband is away and you and your mother-in-law are the only ones at home.

1. There is a way to solve your problem. What you don't like is that the house is too dirty and messy, which makes you feel bad all night. This is understandable. You usually eat at school, and your mother-in-law doesn't come home until 10:30 p.m. She must have neglected the housework and can't take care of the household chores. It is expected that something that makes you uncomfortable will happen, but the situation in your house is really surprising.

2. You could talk to your mother-in-law about how to divide up the household chores better. Show her you care about her situation at work. Ask how she's doing in general and if the work is too much for her. If there are problems, you might need to hire someone part-time to help with cleaning and hygiene at home. As long as someone in the family is taking care of things, everything will be fine.

3. If your mother-in-law is a challenge to get along with, consider asking your husband to step in and help out, and communicate with her. It's done, there's no need to avoid it.

4. A family is only like a family when there is true mutual respect and understanding. When you have that, you'll feel more comfortable. Give it a try!

I hope this helps. Best regards, [Name]

Hello, question asker! From your description, I can tell that you are a very influential and humane person.

You invited a friend to invest in a business together, but instead of making a profit, you lost money, and your friend said that you have bad character. As a result, you are suffering from psychological distress. I agree with your family that you don't need to care about what they say, and it's not necessary to let it affect your mood. I'm here for you, and I know you'll get through this.

I totally get it. There are a few reasons why this might be the case.

First, I'm sure everyone was willing to go into business together. You didn't force anyone to participate, and you didn't take advantage of anyone. If the business fails, you'll feel as bad as everyone else. There's no way you could be accused of doing something wrong, so you can rest easy.

Secondly, we all know that doing business comes with risks. Whether you make a profit or a loss has nothing to do with your character. If you lose money in business, people might say you have a bad character. But if you make money, does that mean you have a good character?

In psychology, there's a concept called attribution. It simply refers to how we evaluate the causes of the results of the actions of others and ourselves. Your friends are all typical external control types. If the business isn't profitable, it might be because you're still learning the ropes. But if it is profitable, it's probably because of their own abilities!

Third, the fact that you can invite friends to invest and do business together shows that you have great organizational and coordination skills or expertise in a certain area. If you lose money in business, you should take the lead in organizing an analysis with your friends who invested together. It's so important to carefully analyze whether the investment failure is due to subjective or objective reasons, or whether it is caused by the current difficult business environment due to the pandemic. After the cause is clearly analyzed, all parties to the investment will face reality, learn from experience, and perhaps next time, they will not blame each other anymore.

I really hope these suggestions are helpful for you!

I get it.

First of all, as someone who pays attention to hygiene, I can tell you that a dirty and messy kitchen really affects your mood. In such an environment, even if you clean up and cook again, the food will taste bland.

Secondly, you mentioned that your mother-in-law also works, and that she has to work from the afternoon until late at night. Given the time it takes to get home, it's clear that she doesn't get to bed close to midnight. I don't know if your mother-in-law is someone who is particular about kitchen hygiene from your usual observations.

However, it is a general rule that people are sloppy when they are the only ones eating, and their hygiene standards drop a lot.

It's worth asking whether your mother-in-law even knows you're home to cook this time. If she never comes home for dinner, this is probably how she finds the kitchen when she's eating alone. And when you eat together, it's likely to be the way the kitchen looks after you've tidied it up.

I don't know if you usually eat at school, but when you come home, you should pay attention to the kitchen. It's not just the way it is; you need to realize it.

It is perfectly normal for two generations to live together with different living habits. If the kitchen is the source of your discomfort, find a part-time worker to clean it and get it ready. Then, go to cooking with a good mood.

If you are uncomfortable, you are living with your mother-in-law. Move out if you have the means! Just come back to visit your mother-in-law from time to time!

If the conditions are not there, you need to make a change. Pay more attention to your mother-in-law and do more housework. The better the relationship with your mother-in-law, the more comfortable you will be at home!

Hello, host, I hope my answer can be of some help to you.

The host said that she usually eats at school on weekdays. Last night, after work, she bought some ingredients at the market to prepare a meal at home. I understand that you live with your mother-in-law. Your husband is working away from home and rarely comes home. Your mother-in-law works from 2:30 p.m. to 10:30 p.m. and then goes home.

So, my mother-in-law doesn't eat at home in the evenings either, right?

When you were about to start eating, you found a lot of small insects in the bowl, the kind of oil insects on the range hood, and then you found that the sink area was also moldy. I can imagine how uncomfortable you felt at the time. If it were me, I would feel the same way. I would think, "Why is my mother-in-law so unhygienic?" There are insects on the range hood, and she hasn't noticed, and the sink area is moldy, and she doesn't do anything about it. I wonder if that's what you were thinking at the time.

I also lived with my mother-in-law for a while. When she was around, she basically took care of the hygiene at home. Sometimes I would wash the dishes and mop the floor. Sometimes, when I was washing the dishes, I saw that there were still some stains on the dishes she had washed before that hadn't been rinsed off properly, and it made me feel uncomfortable.

Later, I talked to her. I was really gentle, and I told her how I felt. She said, "I'm getting old now. My eyesight isn't what it used to be, so I can't be that careful. And I don't have the energy to pay attention to so many things..."

So, whenever I see something that I'm not totally comfortable with, I try to find her and talk through my feelings and needs in a gentle way. Then I listen to what she has to say. I've found that, from her perspective, she feels like she's already done her best and done a good enough job. If I'm still not satisfied with her, she'll also feel aggrieved and sad. So, she has her own thoughts and feelings, as well as her own difficulties and limitations.

When I show her that I understand and accept her, she's more willing to do the things I need her to do. She does them with a happy heart because after she's done those things, I'll give her positive feedback, praise her efforts and dedication, and recognize her value and merits.

For instance, she's not particularly skilled at anything other than housework and cooking. Because of her limited education, she often feels inferior. So, I make a point of praising her in front of everyone when she cooks a meal for us to eat together. I tell her the dish is well-prepared and especially delicious. When she cleans a particular place exceptionally well, I also affirm her efforts, praising her for having a method to doing housework quickly and well.

This way, even though she still has to do these things every day, we can encourage and affirm her, which makes her happier and more meaningful and valuable.

So, going back to your question, I understand your situation. With your husband not around and your mother-in-law living with you, it's only natural that there will be some conflicts and clashes, not just in terms of housework. It's actually pretty normal to have disagreements in other areas. However, if you can't live separately, you need to learn how to get along harmoniously, and communication is key in this process.

The point of communication isn't to prove who's right and who's wrong. It's to get to know each other better and understand each other better. And through communication, we can find a solution that's beneficial to both parties.

It seems like the issue you're currently facing has to do with hygiene at home. Is it usually the case that your mother-in-law handles the hygiene at home, and you never have to worry about it? From what you've told me, it seems like your mother-in-law doesn't eat dinner at home, but she does eat breakfast and lunch at home, right?

So, do you often eat out at breakfast, lunch, and dinner?

If that's the case, then your mother-in-law spends more time in the kitchen, while you probably only use it occasionally. So, she is mainly responsible for kitchen hygiene, right?

If I were in your shoes and thinking about her health, I'd talk to her about this. I'd be honest about my feelings and needs. I'd say, "Mom, I made a bowl of noodles at home today. When I was about to eat it, I found bugs in it. I was afraid to eat it. Later, I found the sink was also moldy. I'm worried this kitchen environment will affect your health. If you get sick, my husband will blame me. If you don't have time or energy to clean, why don't we hire a cleaning lady once a month? What do you think?"

Then, listen closely to her thoughts and feelings and try to understand what her needs are and what she's thinking.

This back-and-forth exchange will help you understand each other better and find a solution that works for everyone.

It's always a good idea to show your appreciation when your mother-in-law goes out of her way to help the family and you. This will definitely be good for your relationship. It may seem like you are just praising and complimenting your mother-in-law, but in fact, you are creating a harmonious and warm family environment for yourself. When you can understand and accept each other and see each other's efforts, these things won't destroy your relationship. They'll just be good opportunities to enhance your feelings for each other.

I know it's not easy, but if you can do it, understand your mother-in-law, accept her, affirm her value and contribution, and praise her strengths and efforts, I believe that your words will be heard by your mother-in-law, and your relationship will improve. You'll also feel happier and warmer every time you return home.

Just so you know, the above is for reference. Best regards,

Hello, my name is Strawberry.

From what I can gather from the questioner's confession and depressed mood, it seems that she usually eats at school on weekdays. This would mean that she only returns to her own home on Saturdays and Sundays. She has always lived with her mother-in-law, whose working hours are from 2:30 pm to 10:30 pm. Although the working hours are not particularly long, she works as hard as the questioner.

The questioner prepared some noodles and, when she began to eat, discovered a number of small insects in the bowl. It's possible that this discovery may have affected her appetite. When she observed the oil insects on the smoke machine, she seemed to feel a sense of revulsion. Additionally, the area surrounding the sink appeared to be affected by mold. As a woman, I can imagine that she might have felt somewhat constrained when she took the time to closely examine the hygiene situation in her own home.

While the questioner herself is not particularly concerned with cleanliness, many people find that a tidy and well-maintained home makes them feel more comfortable and at ease. After spending long days at work, it's natural to crave a warm and welcoming space when you return home. However, given the current situation with regards to hygiene, the questioner is starting to wonder if living with her mother-in-law might not be the ideal solution.

She feels that her home is not as tidy as she would like it to be when she returns from her mother-in-law's house to cook.

It might be helpful to remember that we can't expect others to live up to our standards.

The questioner only goes home on weekends, and her mother-in-law is at home every day, going out to work in the afternoon. It seems likely that her breakfast and lunch are cooked at home. If the hygiene at home is not done properly, it will accumulate over time and make the house look messy.

In terms of hygiene, it seems that the questioner's mother-in-law may have relatively low cleanliness standards. She is fine with just washing the dishes after eating, as she is the one who uses them anyway. She also doesn't think about cleaning the rest of the house. To put it frankly, your mother-in-law may be perceived as somewhat lazy, and even if she has time, she may not be inclined to clean.

Such a personality may be influenced by her upbringing. For instance, when she was a child, her parents may have allowed her to engage in less housework, which could have shaped her current approach to chores. After she got married, her family may have been understanding and accommodating, which could have contributed to her current habits. Therefore, whether someone is hardworking or not may be influenced by a combination of factors that evolve over time.

The questioner believes that her mother-in-law frequently resides at home and utilizes the kitchen, which suggests that she should prioritize maintaining a higher level of hygiene. It's possible that her mother-in-law may have some understanding of the importance of cleanliness, but perhaps not to the extent that the questioner desires. This is where we can apply our personal standards to gently encourage others to meet our expectations.

It would be beneficial to communicate directly.

From the working hours described by the questioner, it seems that there may be room for improvement in the time spent with her mother-in-law. It is still possible to communicate directly when conflicts arise, but there may be an opportunity to improve the situation. The questioner did not describe whether her mother-in-law is easy to get along with, but there are problems between the two of them, and communication is the best way to solve them.

When you are at home, you might mention to your mother-in-law that there are a lot of worms in your bowl. It's important to express your concerns in a way that is respectful and considerate, rather than rushing to express your emotions. If she doesn't see it, it could be a sign that using such unsanitary tableware for a long time might affect her health.

If she is usually unwilling to clean up, you might consider hiring a cleaning lady to do it. Once you have opened up the topic of discussion, the questioner's mother-in-law may also be more mindful of the hygiene of the kitchen at home, as she may not often be reminded of it and may not have considered it a priority. If she is still unwilling to clean up, it might be helpful to hire a cleaning lady when the questioner is at home, as I can imagine it can be uncomfortable to clean up greasy dishes.

There are other factors that contribute to the feeling of a home.

The questioner mentioned that they don't feel at home, and also said that her husband has been working away for more than a year. Prolonged separation can affect the relationship between husband and wife, so I'm wondering how often you usually get together when you're in different places.

I believe the questioner may be a teacher, as they mentioned eating at school during the week. Teachers typically only have weekends off, summer vacation, and winter vacation. Is the husband's workplace far from the questioner's home? My own mother was also a teacher, and my father chose to work away from home to improve the family's finances. This often meant that my mother and father were apart for extended periods. When my father wasn't home, my mother would call to check on him. When he did come home, they would sometimes argue instead. I think this is also related to living apart for a long time, having expectations of each other, and conflicts arising when the other person fails to meet those expectations.

The questioner feels that the home is not quite like a home because the husband's figure is missing. What you want is to contribute to the family at the same time, and when you return home, the two of you can communicate with each other. However, this is not the case at the moment. Perhaps you could discuss your ideas with your husband and see how he responds to you?

While it is certainly important to earn money to support the family, it may be even more important for the husband and wife to work together to maintain a home.

I hope my answer is helpful to the questioner. Best wishes,

Try to understand your feelings: upset, angry, depressed, and a little helpless. Who doesn't want to eat clean and live clean? When you find mold in the kitchen sink, it makes you unhappy!

The range hood is a big polluter. Most families don't clean it. They only think about it during the New Year holidays.

But that's not the real issue. You're upset about your relationship with your mother-in-law. At the end, you said, "I don't want to live with my mother-in-law." Why?

You may not like your mother-in-law. Maybe she's too dominant or lazy.

Is he uneducated and rude? Or does he talk too much and nag?

Or is he not caring about you?

But you have to live with your mother-in-law because she helps you with the kids.

Often, we want to leave or end a situation, but we have to stay. Take your situation. Your mother-in-law probably doesn't want to live with you, and you don't want to live with her. She probably wants her son home!

Your husband has been away for over half a year and doesn't want to be. He probably wants to come home more often too.

What should you do next? Can you improve the situation?

Let's talk about the kitchen. Who is in charge of keeping it clean?

It's you and your husband. Your mother-in-law is just a guest.

If you agree, take responsibility for household matters. If the cooker hood is dirty, hire someone to clean it. If you want to save money, clean it yourself. As for the dirty sink, clean it when you get home from work.

What do you think?

Let's talk about my relationship with my mother-in-law. It's not easy, but some daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law get along well.

Don't believe that the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship is always bad.

Compare these two sets of words:

A. My mother-in-law is not affectionate.

My mother-in-law has shortcomings.

My mother-in-law and I don't get along.

B. My mother-in-law loves me and I love her.

My mother-in-law has good qualities I can learn from.

My relationship with my mother-in-law is getting better.

Think in terms of the latter group of sentence patterns for at least a week and see what difference it makes to your relationship with your mother-in-law.

Don't try to change others. Change yourself. Then, they might change too.

This is just my opinion. I hope it helps!

Hello, question asker! Your text made me think of a mother-in-law-daughter-in-law relationship!

This is a common problem for Chinese women!

First, look outward. A mother-in-law is not a mother, and while both are worthy of respect, there are still some subtle differences.

My mother-in-law is busy at work from 2:30 p.m. until 10:30 p.m. every evening. As you can see from these two sentences, she also has a hard time at work. I believe you understand.

You said you usually eat at school during the weekdays. Last night I cooked shrimp and oyster mushroom noodles. When I started eating, I found a lot of small worms in the bowl, the kind that live in the grease on the hood. It was disgusting. Then the sink area was also moldy, which really affected my mood! Your text has a strong sense of imagery. I can feel your frustrated mood even from across the screen. If I were in your shoes, I would probably feel the same way.

Everyone likes nice things.

Second, you say that you are usually a very clean person, and of course you are not a clean freak. You still feel bad about it all night, and anyone in your situation would feel the same way.

Put yourself in their shoes and you'll understand. If you can't, think of more than three solutions.

You could hire a cleaning lady or clean together at the weekend.

You need to learn to communicate with your mother-in-law in a gentle way.

?1. Starting a sentence with "I" rather than "you" is an effective way to avoid accusations while still giving the other person a chance to defend themselves. In life, it's easy to start sentences with "you" and accuse the other person, who then wants to defend and refute.

You must be aware of this and correct it.

?2. Describe the facts only, without making any judgments. When describing the facts, the parties involved are bound to be emotional, so avoid making judgments or evaluations.

This is not the solution. You need to express yourself clearly.

3. Be polite. This is not as easy to do as it is to say.

You teach your children to be polite, but you often lose this courtesy with your partner.

Appreciation is key. Showing appreciation for your partner during a conflict can help resolve it in a harmonious way.

5. Don't keep things to yourself. If you move out just because of these reasons, it's likely that your husband will be unhappy too.

Communication can achieve a win-win situation. Agree?

And finally, compromise. You must understand that compromise is a strategy for reaching a solution. It is especially important for strong women to understand that compromise is a strategy for reaching a solution.

Don't think that compromise is bad. It's a decisive strategy to consider accepting the other person's position.

Don't think that compromise is bad. Accepting the other person's position is the way to achieve a win-win situation.

I'd like to know your opinion on this.

Good day.

With regard to the situation of "living with your mother-in-law," it is evident that you perceive the situation to be challenging and that you experience discomfort merely at the thought of it. It is clear that you desire to extricate yourself from this situation as soon as possible.

In addition to the aforementioned challenges, there may be other emotional issues that require attention.

Given that you and your mother-in-law are both employed, and that you both face challenges and difficulties in your respective workplaces, it is understandable that you would have some insight into the difficulties faced by others in similar circumstances.

You indicated a preference for cleanliness, which is a commendable demonstration of respect and regard for life.

Furthermore, you feel that you also need to be respected and recognized. From the trivial matters of family life, such as coming home to a tidy environment and receiving appropriate attention and consideration from your mother-in-law, you may believe that everything will be fine.

However, since you have not yet had the opportunity to experience this, you are currently feeling a sense of sadness.

The book, "The Way of Cleaning," is a publication that explores the Japanese craftsman spirit. Entrepreneurs have secured significant contracts on numerous occasions through major cleaning projects. It is recommended that the reader first familiarize themselves with this book.

In addition, you may wish to consider implementing a family hygiene program to influence other members of the family.

Furthermore, I would like to express my love for my family and extend an invitation to all members to participate in the process of tidying, organizing, and cleaning the home. I would also like to ensure that the privacy of each family member is respected.

We trust you will be pleased to see that the insects in your home have been removed.

As the hostess, you will ensure that the home is kept tidy and clean.

Hello, question asker! The Chinese "mother-in-law-daughter-in-law relationship" is undoubtedly the most delicate relationship in the world.

First of all, the questioner said, "I usually eat at school on weekdays." Last night, after work, I went to the market to buy ingredients to prepare a meal at home. I have been living with my mother-in-law. Last night, I cooked shrimp and oyster mushroom noodles. When I started eating, I found a lot of oil worms on the bowl like the kind on the range hood. Then I also found mold around the sink, which really affected my mood. I am usually a very clean person, but of course I am not a clean freak. I was in a bad mood all night.

From your description, I can imagine how bad you felt when you encountered this phenomenon. Let's calmly analyze it first. You usually solve your meals at school, so you rarely cook at home. You should rarely have the energy to take care of the kitchen hygiene, right? Then your mother-in-law also goes out to work from afternoon to evening. It's clear that everyone is busy, so it's understandable that the kitchen hygiene may not be cleaned in time.

A clear division of labor is essential in the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. If you are responsible for shopping for food, clothing, housing, and transportation, your mother-in-law will be responsible for household chores.

This is just an example, but a good relationship with your mother-in-law can save you a lot of effort!

The original poster then stated, "Your husband has been working away from home since last year."

You're having a hard time being apart from your husband, and you may have to take on more responsibilities in various areas. At this time, communication between the two of you is crucial. You must communicate with your husband about these issues.

Make sure he understands your situation so he can help you solve problems.

The conflict is not unilateral. In addition to differences in daily living habits, inconsistency in life concepts can cause the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law to deteriorate. Communicate more with your mother-in-law to promote mutual affection and harmony.

Deal with the elderly gently but firmly. You are not enemies; you are comrades-in-arms.

You will live a happy life!