Dear questioner,
My name is Liu, and I am a listening therapist.
We were saddened by the problems in the relationship. We were initially attracted to each other and spent time together, and after three years of emotions and time together, we felt reluctant to part. But it was also difficult to keep paying attention. We were torn between the relationship and these past events. Even though they are in the past, they are like a stone in our shoe, weighing on our feet.
First, romantic relationships are exclusive, and long-distance relationships are actually relatively difficult. Trust is an important issue, and it must be respected.
It is clear that when a man and a woman become lovers, they will have friends of the opposite sex. If one party shows that they mind, and the other party says that they are just friends and colleagues, you will be labeled as "not generous." There is no question that you will feel anxiety, disappointment, and unease.
From an exclusive perspective, I understand your feelings. You are in a long-distance relationship, and you see your boyfriend relatively infrequently. You have seen on social media that he is messaging a female colleague every day. You have also seen pictures of him holding an umbrella together with her, arm in arm, head on shoulder, heart shape, and posted on social media.
This kind of interaction is unacceptable.
It is, without a doubt, ambiguous.
We know the lover did not cheat. He explained he did not betray you, and there were other people present.
But it still hurt.
This kind of interaction inevitably leads to misunderstandings.
This is a discussion we often have with people in relationships: whether certain actions are intimate or crossing the line. Even if there is no betrayal, does this make the other person feel uncomfortable?
2. We will find out what the psychological issues behind "something that we can't let go of" are. If you keep trying to forget it but can't, you will go over it again.
(1) We have two conflicting voices inside us.
As previously stated, since he did not cheat, he explained. This pressure may be subliminally transmitted as a need for us to be "magnanimous," to understand and let go.
In many narratives, it will be labeled as jealousy, and others will say that you are thinking too much. We may also suppress our feelings because of this. We will tell ourselves that this is not a matter of principle, and that we shouldn't think like this.
But in your subconscious, you are full of confusion. You have not been betrayed, but you still feel disrespected. This triggering of a sense of insecurity will affect the subsequent trust between the two parties. It will also become a catalyst for various conflicts.
This grievance
It has not been presented fully.
It has not been seen for what it is.
(2) No two leaves in the world are exactly the same, and everyone's thoughts will be different. The core issue is that he, at the beginning, as I said at the beginning, believes that there is no problem with his interpretation.
Mutual adjustment is essential in relationships. It is crucial to constantly assess the boundaries of the relationship between the two parties, respect those boundaries, and strive to reach a consensus. If consensus cannot be reached, the relationship will inevitably end.
Your boundary is clear: in a romantic relationship, such behavior crosses the line. As a person with a partner, you should not interact so closely with other members of the opposite sex.
His boundaries are clear: "discussing the heart without discussing the traces." He would never have an emotional relationship with these women, and it would be fine even if there was such interaction. In your statement, he doesn't remember much of himself.
The reality is that two people can have completely different standards for boundaries. It's clear that he crosses yours without even realizing it at first.
3. Based on your situation, I am going to offer you the following suggestions, which are based on my personal opinions.
(1) Value your emotional feelings. Respect your own boundary standards. Express and release them.
Everyone has different standards for boundaries. If you feel a conflict of boundaries, it's important to recognize that your emotions need to be seen. Don't suppress this topic under the guise of principles.
When we are clear that this is not a trivial matter for us, we can truly understand ourselves.
You need to work with your feelings and accept yourself first. You're already doing this, which is remarkable. You're trying to express yourself, write about it, and hope that people will accompany you and look at it from different perspectives. This is a very important step. You can also try talking to a mental health professional to vent and relieve emotional anxiety, which may help you sort out your thoughts in the process.
(2) It is crucial for you both to be able to discuss this openly and honestly, with the intention of solving the problem together.
It is clear that there are psychological issues of boundaries and security at play here, and that this incident has been ongoing for some time. In addition to this incident itself, there may also be underlying issues with the patterns of communication and getting along. This is not something that one person can resolve on their own; it requires input from both parties.
The mode of communication in long-distance relationships is of the utmost importance.
Love is never a one-person thing. If you don't want to separate and you don't want to continue living together unhappily, you need to break this stalemate. You may need to adjust your mindset, and he needs to be involved in this process.
Find an opportunity to communicate with your partner. Find out if you didn't feel secure before or after this incident. What are your specific demands? You and your partner can find solutions to this.
It's only when two people work together that this will get resolved.
Love makes it possible.
(3) You are not dwelling on the past, but the psychological trauma caused by this incident has not passed. You have the freedom to choose.
We must consider how to approach the relationship if it cannot be resolved. After all, love is like drinking fish water—you know the temperature yourself. If you are pushed to your limits, it will impact your mental health.
You have a clear boundary in your romantic relationship.
I'll tell you where the boundary of self is.
If you're in a relationship that makes you unhappy and you've tried to resolve the issue but haven't made any progress, ask yourself: is this a relationship that consumes you or one that grows you? And is it a sustainable relationship?
This is something we absolutely need to think about.
In any case,
You have to love yourself before you can love others.
That's my answer.
Thank you for reading.
I am a psychological counselor at Yi Psychology.
I'm here to help. Get in touch.
Comments
I can understand how hurt and betrayed you must feel. It's important for both partners to respect each other's boundaries, especially in a longdistance relationship. I need time to heal from this and really think about whether we can move forward with mutual trust and respect.
Your actions made me question the respect and value you have for our relationship. Even if there was no cheating, the lack of boundaries has deeply affected me. We need to establish clearer guidelines on what is acceptable behavior and find a way to rebuild trust, or maybe some space would help us both gain clarity.
It's been tough navigating these feelings of betrayal and insecurity. While I appreciate your promise to change, the incident has left a lasting impact on me. I wonder if we can work on rebuilding the trust that was lost, or if it might be healthier for us to part ways and allow ourselves to heal from this experience.