Losing friends due to personality issues, feeling regret and guilt, and prone to repeating the mistake—what should I do?

Hi, I'm Coach Yu, and I'd like to talk about this topic with you.

Our ability to recognize, control, and regulate our emotions is what we call emotional perception. It's also a key part of emotional intelligence.

In "The Plastic Me," Chen Jiejun notes that many people struggle to cope with things or emotions because they confuse feelings, emotions, and thoughts.

What are feelings? They're the physical and biological reactions of the human body to external factors.

For instance, if someone stabs you with a needle, you feel pain. If it's a cold winter day, you feel cold. Emotions include reactions to external and internal stimuli.

As the questioner wrote, I have lost a lot of friends because of my personality. I feel selfish, jealous, and like I'm a bad person.

Emotion is simply how people react to their feelings.

For instance, if it's a scorching day and you're feeling the heat, your palms might start to sweat and your heart might start racing. Emotions are the irritability or excitement you feel when your body is really fired up and your heart is beating faster. Emotions and feelings usually respond through the peripheral nervous system.

As the questioner wrote, sensibility outweighs rationality, and there is often impulsivity and a lack of emotional resilience.

So, the idea is that a person understands and interprets their feelings and emotions.

Since thoughts involve understanding and interpretation, they usually originate in the central nervous system, not the peripheral nervous system.

As the original poster wrote, I know my own shortcomings and I regret and blame myself for repeating them. I want to change and have close friends.

Next, we can take another look at this process to see if we can understand the changes in our emotions and then manage and express our emotions to solve this problem of emotional perception.

We can also ask ourselves what we think when we want to hang out with friends at the weekend but can't find any. What emotions and feelings does that bring up for you?

On New Year's Eve, you want to find someone to set off fireworks but can't find any friends. What are your thoughts on this? What emotions and feelings come up for you?

We can also ask ourselves what we've done in the past that has caused our friends to lose interest in us. What can we do to have close friends?

We can also ask ourselves what drives our need to act on impulse all the time and what fuels our emotional depletion.

We can also ask ourselves what we really want when we see our old friends and feel jealous. And what we really want when we feel ugly.

We can also ask ourselves, if I regret and blame myself for wanting to change the ugly me and the fundamentally bad me, which one of us is the real me?

So, feelings, emotions, and thoughts are actually the coordination between the nervous system and the brain. When everything is working smoothly, we experience inner peace.

It's good to be aware of our emotions and try to reconcile with them. When negative emotions like anxiety or self-blame arise, it's helpful to say "stop," take a deep breath, and watch them without judgment. Let emotions come and go freely like clouds, and drift away slowly like fallen leaves in the water. You can also try recording what you're feeling at the moment.

You're the only one reading this, so feel free to be honest and write about your feelings. This will help us understand the origins and effects of your emotions and identify the root of the problem.

If you're struggling with this, it's okay to seek help. It's not always easy to overcome these things immediately. Try to find a family member or friend you trust and who has always given you positive support to talk to. If you feel the need, you can also find a counselor, because emotions must be released to relieve the heaviness and blockages in our hearts.

We should always be looking for ways to improve ourselves and become more aware of ourselves. Over time, we'll come to understand our own value and develop our own self-assessment system. We believe in our ability to build good relationships and remain open-minded. We should start by integrating ourselves into real relationships, giving with sincerity and respect. As we do this, we'll find that our sincerity and confidence will attract close friends.

I'd suggest reading "Know Thyself, Accept Thyself."

Hello, I'm Xintan Coach Fei Yun. Life is a beautiful journey, and it's so important to appreciate and embrace all the wonderful things it has to offer.

It's totally normal to feel lonely and isolated sometimes, especially when you lack close friends. It's also normal to have carried out deep self-criticism of your past. At the same time, it's great that you've also seen your desire to establish deep connections with others. Let's share and discuss together:

Nobody's perfect, but as long as you're aware, you can see how you're growing and changing.

"Selfish, jealous, emotional over rational, impulsive, and with strong emotional exhaustion." You have a lot of negative comments about yourself, and I totally get it! We all have our moments. Everything has two sides, so let's try to look at it from a different perspective.

Take jealousy, for example. It can be turned into ambition, because the desire not to lag behind others creates a driving force to excel. It just depends on how you use this "jealousy," whether it will become a higher mountain or destroy a mountain that is higher than you.

It's so important to feel secure inside, because it affects our relationships with others. When we lack this sense of security, we can end up displaying some pretty unhealthy behaviors, emotions, and interpersonal skills.

He needs to "control" people and things to feel secure, so he fills the void of his lack of internal security with external things, such as jealousy, surpassing others, and acquiring more material satisfaction.

It's so important to recognize when our actions are driven by emotional needs like selfishness or jealousy. When we do, we're already on the path to change. And the great thing is, we can always find alternative behaviors that align with our true selves.

It's not about how many friends you have, but about the quality of those friendships.

The lovely book "Circle Breakthrough" suggests that we make friends at different stages of our lives. Some people liken life to a train, with lots of people coming and going in our lives. Some people come and go for one or a few stops, while others stick around for longer.

It's so important to adjust your mindset and remember that these things happen to everyone. Once you do that, you won't be anxious or feel guilty.

At your age, your studies are your number one priority, and the friends you make are simple and sincere because everyone is just focused on doing well in school and doesn't have any material interests.

So cherish the present, express your sincerity, and take the initiative to extend an invitation. I bet there are other classmates who are also lamenting the fact that they don't have a true friend who is always there for them, just like you.

Finding common ground between you is a great way to build a like-minded and respectful relationship based on equality. It'll make both of you feel comfortable, and it'll last a long time!

I really hope this helps! Sending you lots of love ?

If you'd like to keep in touch, you can follow my personal homepage, "Heart Exploration Service."

Dear question asker, Reading your words evokes the image of a friend's face.

After a thorough examination of your description, it is evident that you have devoted considerable time and attention to understanding your current circumstances and the associated emotional experiences. You have expressed a desire to ascertain whether it is possible to implement modifications.

Let us proceed with a discussion of this matter.

You stated that you lost a considerable number of friends as a result of your personality traits, that emotional factors frequently override rational thinking, and that you tend to act impulsively and experience elevated levels of emotional exhaustion. In light of these observations, I would like to inquire further:

1. At what point did you first become aware of these characteristics in your personality?

2. What events occurred prior to the emergence of these characteristics that left a profound impact on you?

3. What benefits did you derive from your interactions with your former social circle?

4. What beliefs facilitated your ability to cope with the loss of numerous friendships?

5. In your own estimation, what characteristics would a partner possess to be considered a friend?

The aforementioned five points are intended to illustrate that expectations are often embedded behind the occurrence of events. When expectations cannot be met in a manner that is personally significant, it may be necessary to consider making adjustments to a relationship. One potential outcome of such adjustments is the dissolution of the relationship.

It is important to note that in the context of relationship management, the process of adjustment is often a collaborative effort, and it is not necessary for one party to assume full responsibility alone.

You then state that you "really, really regret it and want to change," and perceive the underlying issue to be "rotten." At this juncture, I propose introducing two individuals, whom I will refer to as your "Inner Parents."

It is unclear whether you are a demanding individual within your domestic environment. However, if this is indeed the case, I would like to propose alternative ways of thinking.

1. Among your family members, which one has the most favorable relationship with you?

2. Does the relationship provide sufficient security, akin to that of a best family member?

3. What is the nature of the communication mode employed between you and the aforementioned family member?

4. Please describe the differences between your behavior at school and your behavior at home.

The aforementioned four points are intended to illustrate that it is not uncommon for individuals to exhibit discrepancies in their self-expression across different contexts. This is due to the fact that the degree of intimacy within various social circles varies considerably, consequently influencing the extent to which individuals are willing to be open and vulnerable. The relatively high degree of openness observed in academic settings can be attributed to the fact that the social environment in schools provides a sense of security and comfort. However, when the communication environment within the home becomes a source of discomfort, individuals may consciously withdraw from social interactions.

You indicate that you are not the closest of friends, that you are not always available, and that it is challenging to coordinate social outings with friends. Additionally, you express feelings of envy when observing the strong social connections and relationships that your former friends have established. In light of these observations, I aim to facilitate a more nuanced understanding of this situation by exploring it from multiple perspectives.

1. It is erroneous to assume that a good friend must be "available at any time." What is even less common is the ability to "agree on a time to meet and show up at that time as agreed by both parties."

2. Given that we are friends, we should not restrict ourselves to merely "dining together." As long as we can arrange to meet at a time that is convenient for both of us, we are spending time together.

3. "Jealousy" is a positive outlook. It signifies a desire to emulate another's actions. Therefore, it is advisable to take the initiative and make a move, as this may result in the discovery of individuals who share similar interests and perspectives.

It is my hope that these three points will serve to inspire a modification of one's current state of mind.

I would like to conclude by offering a personal aphorism: frequently, modifying one's perspective on life's experiences can yield a novel perspective.

In seeking illumination, it is important to recognize one's capacity to serve as a source of radiance. The qualities of sincerity and veracity are particularly noteworthy in your discourse.

Given the imminent conclusion of this discussion, it seems prudent to bring it to a close.

It is imperative to cultivate self-love, self-care, and self-compassion.

Good day. I perceive a certain degree of confusion in your statements. You indicate that you have lost a considerable number of friends as a result of your personality and express regret and self-blame for your actions. What, then, is the recommended course of action?

You appear to hold a rather negative self-image, as evidenced by your descriptions of yourself as selfish, jealous, and emotionally unstable, with a tendency to be emotionally draining to others. You have even characterized your self-image as flawed, expressed regret over it, and sought to change it.

My thoughts on the matter were almost identical to yours prior to reading your thoughts on the matter. I had a reputation for being a model student, yet I felt that no one could truly know me. After returning home, I felt isolated and alone. I even repeatedly checked my QQ and friends circles to see if anyone considered me a friend, yet it always turned out that I had no friends.

In response to the question of how to change, it is first necessary to address the issue of low self-esteem. The fact that the questioner has a significant number of friends at school is evidence that they are a popular individual, or that they are not as unbearable as they believe themselves to be.

Indeed, if one is genuinely selfish and envious, it is unlikely that they will have superficial friends.

Secondly, the questioner can enhance their mentality and way of thinking. When one desires to find friends with whom to socialize but is unable to do so, it may be the case that one's friends are similarly constrained by their schedules. For instance, on New Year's Eve, a considerable number of individuals are at home with their families.

As individuals age, the number of available friends who are readily available to provide assistance when needed tends to decline. This phenomenon is not necessarily indicative of an inherent personality trait, and therefore, attributing it to such a factor is unwarranted. The individual in question is, nevertheless, to be commended for their positive attributes.

If one desires to cultivate a close friendship, it is essential to maintain a balanced and objective perspective. It is not necessary to actively seek out friendships; they can simply be encountered. Friendships can be likened to the diverse array of trees that populate our surroundings. Throughout our lives, we will encounter a multitude of friends. It is beneficial to focus on self-care and self-development.

The aforementioned are the most salient points that I can recall. It is prudent to prioritize self-care before seeking external validation from others. Over time, individuals will naturally form connections with those who resonate with them. With utmost sincerity, I extend my deepest affection and admiration to you.