My brother and I are more than ten years apart. Why do I always belittle others?

To summarize the original question:

1. I must admit that I do enjoy belittling my brother from time to time, and my mother was not pleased when she found out.

2. My mother scolds me, and I feel a bit aggrieved because her approach seems to be consistent.

The following are the main points of the original poster:

1. It would be beneficial to express your emotions and grievances about your mother's criticism of you, and to apologize for the harm caused by being mean to your younger brother.

2. I would like to change myself and try to stop belittling my brother as much as I can.

3. I hope my mother will come to recognize that her actions are similar to her own and that she will make a change.

Now that we've discussed the issue at hand, let's turn our attention to potential solutions.

Regarding emotional problems, change often occurs when we become aware of them. When you start to become aware of the harm your put-downs are doing to your brother, you may find that you begin to change. You may still say hurtful things from time to time, but perhaps less and less so. It may be helpful to accept that they may never go away.

If you can make it so that it happens less and less, you will have succeeded.

Regarding your sense of grievance, it's important to recognize that by the time you become aware of it, most of it will have already disappeared. It's understandable that you feel this way, and it's likely that your sense of inferiority was learned from your mother.

Given your experience, it may be helpful to consider ways of responding to these put-downs in a way that is constructive and respectful. If you have a good daily communication with your mother, you may be able to have a direct conversation about your feelings. However, it's important to recognize that this may not be a common practice in all families.

It would be helpful for you to learn to observe your mother's way of thinking and communicate with her in the way she normally communicates. When she belittles you, you might consider exaggerating your reaction. For example, if she belittles you by making a visibly depressed face and saying, "Sure, I'm good at nothing," and then hanging her head, you could try reacting exaggeratedly, as people usually comfort you at this time.

Perhaps you could consider amplifying your feedback so that your mother feels that whatever she says has a significant impact on you. This might encourage her to think twice before saying disparaging things in the future.

Hello, I read your description and had the same thoughts. You're not alone. Chinese parents tend to be very critical and blame others, and they often compare their children to others, so it's understandable that you've been treated unfairly and have suffered! Hugs!

1. As you get older, you'll realize that those old thoughts are actually useless. It's exhausting to think too much, and we try to belittle others just to feel good about ourselves! Maybe we feel inexplicably excited!

2. As we gain more experience, we've also faced some pushback from others. It's not a great feeling. Over time, we've become more gentle and less aggressive. If we want others to like us, we need to show our appreciation and they'll do the same in return. It's a win-win.

3. We might think that in the struggle between our id and superego, we are after all living in reality, and will gradually change our attitude and perception of others. If we look more at the good points in others, we will discover that life is actually quite beautiful. After all, everyone has both advantages and disadvantages. When you hold on to the disadvantages and others don't like it, are you really happy? Maybe not. Even if you are, it won't last long, it's just temporary.

We might just have an inner negative force that hasn't been resolved yet, waiting to be accepted!

At the end of the day, it's important to focus on the positive. Think about the good things in life, the lovely people around you, and the warmth that surrounds us. I hope my answer has been helpful!

Dear questioner,

I'm Kelly, and I think you're doing a great job!

Treat others the way you'd like to be treated. (This means learning from your mother's methods to educate your brother.)

[Mum and you]

When a child is born, their parents are the most important people in their lives. The first person you learn from in this world is your mother. She's there for you from the very beginning! If you don't learn from your mother, then who should you learn from?

So the questioner doesn't have any problem communicating with his brother in this way, which is great!

[Current relationship troubles]

Dear questioner, I'm really happy for you! I can imagine you might have felt a bit confused. It's totally understandable! Why can your mother say that about you, but you say that your brother is being labeled? This is a great way for you to talk to your mother about how you feel, while also making her aware of the impact this issue has on you. You can then use this method to communicate with your brother, which is imitative learning.

You could even ask your lovely mum if she'd like your brother to become you, or if you've always been influenced by her.

The wonderful Freud, that brilliant psychologist, also said something really interesting. He said that everyone has a spiritual world within them that even they themselves are unaware of.

[The relationship between mother and maternal grandparents]

You could also ask your mom if she was also raised this way by her grandma or grandpa or caregiver. It's totally possible that she slowly picked it up after growing up.

I'm not sure how old you are, but I bet you're still in school! I just wanted to say that I think it's really brave of you to explore relationships and understand yourself better. You've already taken the first step, and that's so great!

[Understanding Mom]

I brought up the idea of how relationships influence each other with the original poster because they're all so important! For instance, you influence your younger brother, you're influenced by your mother, and your mother may have been influenced by her grandmother (or other caregivers). This helps us realize that your mother was also a girl who became a mother, but didn't have the same chances as you to explore herself and her relationships. You can then be your mother's "teacher" and have a nice chat with her!

About learning:

I'd highly recommend the book "Mr. Toad Goes to the Psychiatrist" to the questioner. That adorable little toad has finally learned the true meaning of "if I'm okay, you're okay."

We'd also love for you to learn with us at Yixinli, share your thoughts, and grow together!

If you're still feeling confused, you can also chat with a teacher who can help.

I wish you all the best!

I love you, world! And I love you too, my dear friend!

Hello! Nice to meet you!

You often say your younger brother can't do things. This is common among siblings, but it's negative. Let me ask you:

Do you have a reason for saying your younger brother can't do this or that, or is it just a thing you say without thinking?

If you tell your younger sibling that something is not allowed, what is the point? Is it to help him improve?

The questioner wants his younger brother to get better. But will his brother accept this approach? If the questioner is taking care of his brother as an older sibling, he needs to think about how to manage effectively. This is the key.

The questioner said their parents belittled them. They gave the example of failing the driving test. This kind of hinting hurts. It doesn't bring good results. It also hurts the other person. It's just a way of passing on how their parents treated them to their younger brother.

If you are good and strong, you will not be affected by others. Focus on improving yourself. You will become stronger and when you achieve your goal, everything will be beautiful.

Change the way you express yourself, change your thinking, and you will see changes in your younger brother, colleagues, and friends. You will live a bright life.

You often discipline your younger brother so he'll listen and understand. As a teenager, you'll naturally have the power to discipline him. You'll also establish an equal communication platform with him. You'll care for him and encourage yourself and him to become the best versions of yourselves!

I hope this helps. Best wishes!

Hello. I am the place of peace.

The text states that your mother always belittled your brother, claiming he was no good at everything. This caused him to lack confidence in the outside world. You were scolded by your mother for this, and she accused you of influencing your brother and creating his timid and fearful personality.

I remember my mother always belittled me. She called me a "loser." It was always a veiled mockery or a blatant laugh.

From the text, I understand you are angry, depressed, and resentful. Is that correct?

Let's think about a few questions together.

The text states that you and your younger brother are more than ten years apart. Therefore, I am asking you directly: did your mother always belittle you before your brother was born?

Tell me, what was your response when your mother expressed her belittling of you for the first time?

Tell me, did you bravely express your true feelings?

Tell me, what was her response?

Did you think your mother favored your brother more?

In everyday life, does your mother show different attitudes towards you and your brother?

You transferred your resentment towards your mother onto your younger brother.

You mocked and despised him just to find an outlet for your own feelings of resentment, grievance, and anger.

You feel powerless in the face of your authoritative mother. Your brother is the weaker party, just like you, who can only accept passively and is unable to fight back at all.

You were labeled a "loser," and you wanted to get rid of that label. That's why your brother came along—to save you from that label.

You gave all the labels your mother had stuck on you to your younger brother.

I want to know what kind of mood and feelings you had when you belittled your brother. Was it satisfaction?

A sense of existence? A sense of security, or a sense of superiority?

Or is it a combination of all of these?

To find the ultimate answer, you must calm down, think seriously, and explore deeply.

You have the courage and conviction to fight through the obstacles and see the real you deep inside. Communicate with Ta honestly. Tell Ta you are great, you are excellent, and you deserve to be loved and treated gently by the world.

Your courage and belief are evident in the text. You passed the exam at one go despite your mother and brother's disparagement. This is the best proof.

You have to believe that as long as you want, as long as you believe, the inner you will become stronger and stronger. At that time, the comments and judgments of others will no longer affect you, and you deserve all the good things in life.

I wish you the best, and I know you're going to succeed.

Hello, question asker!

They may belittle their younger siblings, who are a decade or so younger than they are, but that just means there's room for improvement! After reading your description, I understand immediately that it is your mother's parenting style that has created you as you are. As we often say, parents are a child's first teachers, so there's plenty of room for growth!

Your mother's approach to your upbringing was mainly one of criticism, and she often poured cold water on you.

You can never give someone something that you don't have yourself. What you received from your mother was criticism and blows, and you basically rarely felt praised and encouraged. But you can change that!

How could you possibly praise and encourage your younger brother? You yourself don't even know what that is — but you can learn!

But the same mother cannot give you what she doesn't have, and that may be due to the education she received as a child. So she feels that she should suppress your education in the same way.

As for the reasons why parents want to have a second child, only they themselves know. And that's a wonderful thing! We can only make subjective judgments, which are not to be taken seriously. Our country only opened up its two-child policy in 2016, which is great news for those who want to have more than one child!

Parents may have had children in response to the call of the corresponding country. In the past, the desire to have one child was not allowed by national policy, and secondly, the economic conditions may not have been very good.

Third, they may also be afraid of not being able to raise the child well. But you know what? You can do it! You know how much effort it takes to raise an extra child, and you can do it!

You are now an adult! You are an independent and self-reliant individual, ready to take on the world.

It doesn't matter how your parents raised you. You have to learn to take responsibility for yourself as an adult. Is what Mom says really true?

You have proven to yourself that we are not as stupid and as bad as our mothers say. What she thinks is just her opinion, and you know better!

That's just her personal opinion. And that's okay! We all have opinions, and that's what makes us unique. Parents are human too, and they're not perfect. But that's what makes them so relatable!

They have their limited thinking, and they make mistakes—but they're learning and growing all the time!

Now you know it's not cool to belittle and suppress your younger brother. You've been there, so you know how it feels.

I'm sure you don't want your younger brother to repeat your mistakes! Awareness is the first step towards change – and it's a great first step!

In the future, when you have the thought of belittling your younger brother, you can clap your hands or thighs, or snap your fingers to remind yourself. Calm down and then express yourself!

The 21st century is a society of diverse development, and nothing is impossible! You can do anything you set your mind to. You are the master of your own destiny. No one can set limits for you unless you set limits for yourself.

Keep learning and improving your knowledge, and the future is going to be absolutely amazing!

I really hope my answer is helpful!

Huge congratulations!

Hello. I can sense your feelings of guilt when you heard your mother say that the school teacher has reported that your brother often uses negative language and has a negative influence on him, which is why he is not confident.

From what you've shared, it's clear that you have a strong bond with your brother. You also want him to have confidence in himself, and at the same time, you hope that your mother will not belittle you. It's understandable that you need your mother and brother to understand, especially for the previous belittling of your brother and its impact on him. Is that right?

1. "My younger brother and I are more than ten years apart, and I often find myself inadvertently putting him down. For example, I might say things like 'I'm sure you can't do it,' 'You sing really badly,' 'You're no good at whatever you do,' and so on. This has led to him having less confidence in himself when he's out and about, and his teachers have picked up on this from my interactions with him.

My mother returned and informed me that I had influenced him, that he had become as timid and afraid of people as I was, and that I should refrain from labeling people.

I can see that as an older sister, you hope that your younger brother can do better at everything. Sometimes you expect more of him as a parent than as a sister. Do you think that's true? When you heard your mother say that you had influenced your younger brother and that he had become as timid as you, I'm sure that wasn't really the result you wanted, was it?

It seems that in your family environment and your family education, the use of negative language may have become a way of thinking and a habit of behavior. It's possible that you don't intend to say your brother is bad in every way, but rather to encourage him to do better and work harder. Now that you are aware of this problem, the next time the same thing happens, you can try to be aware of your own way of thinking and language habits. It might be helpful to express yourself in a more positive way, as we communicate not only with family members, but also with colleagues at work in the future.

I believe that the way I interact with my friends reflects my inherent way of thinking and language. This presents an opportunity for me to value learning and improvement. Reading books on interpersonal relationships and understanding others could be beneficial for me. It might help me to enrich my abilities and improve my comprehensive skills.

I am optimistic that through your hard work, your communication with your brother will improve in the future. Perhaps you could try using positive language to encourage and praise him more often.

2. "I know it's my responsibility, but perhaps my mother is also contributing to the situation by labeling me? I was nervous before learning to drive, and the instructor also said several times that I always made the same mistake.

Each time I took the test, my mother would say, "I can tell you're not going to pass this time," and unfortunately, I didn't pass. The next time I took the test, she said the same thing again and also said, "I don't even know if you know how to turn the wheel or shift gears. You were shaking so badly when you got in the car, you were panicking." However, that's not how I was during the test. I was just very nervous, and I had practiced for a long time.

I wonder if that was perhaps a bit premature? I hadn't even taken the exam yet, and she was already saying I couldn't do it.

"

(1) It must have been challenging for you to hear your mother express criticism or negative language over the years. It's understandable that negative emotions can make us feel uncomfortable.

(2) When you were preparing for the driving test, your mother expressed her concern that you might not pass. When you heard these words, did you feel that your mother had low expectations of you? Over time, you may have started to doubt your abilities. After all, you had not yet taken the test, so it was difficult to know whether you would succeed.

I believe that this experience may not be sufficient to demonstrate my ability to pass the exam. Only time will tell if I am able to succeed. What we can do is to be fully engaged in the process and devote ourselves to things wholeheartedly. Regardless of the outcome, we must be able to accept it calmly, including when we face other things in the future. If we also have this kind of mentality, then the result will not be bad, and it will often be very good.

(3) Have you reached a proficient level in practicing driving? You mentioned in your description that you have practiced many times and have been told the same thing many times by your instructor. Could this mean that we are not yet proficient in this area?

If there are still some areas that need more attention, we can dedicate more time to practicing in those areas during our next session. This could help us feel more confident when we take the exam. With time and dedication, I believe we can all achieve proficiency and pass the exam with confidence.

(4) Next time, before an upcoming exam, you might consider practicing not only driving skills but also adjusting your state of mind. For example, one or two days before the exam, you could close your eyes and imagine the exam room. Imagine getting into the car and adjusting the steering wheel and gearshift. See if this image in your mind makes you feel nervous or relaxed. Whether it makes you feel nervous or relaxed, just observe it. This exercise is called systematic desensitization.

3. "There were also school exams. I was concerned about the possibility of not doing well in two subjects, and she kindly advised me to prepare for a makeup exam. However, I was fortunate to pass them all at once.

In the meantime, my younger brother also expressed his reservations about my chances of passing, agreeing with my mother that there might be some challenges.

(1) Despite your mother and brother's concerns, your success in passing all your school exams at once demonstrates that their negative suggestions did not necessarily lead to the outcome they predicted. This is a positive outcome, as it shows that you were able to overcome these challenges and perform well, despite their predictions.

I know it can feel a bit overwhelming, but I just wanted to say that you've done a really great job.

(2) From your mother's perspective, she has had the same way of thinking and language habits for many years. He also learned it from the previous generation, or from his mother, but for so many years he has always suppressed this discomfort, and he may not be able to notice it himself. So when educating you, he could only use the little knowledge and thinking and language he had to communicate with you like this. Do you think you might now understand your mother a little better?

If it is convenient for you, you might consider communicating with your mother in this way and asking if he was praised a lot when he was little. You could also inquire about the way his grandparents spoke to him. If your mother expresses her past worries, it would be helpful to listen attentively and respect her feelings throughout the process.

Perhaps you could try using more positive language next time when communicating with your brother. It's possible that positive language could stimulate a person's potential even more. For your own driving test, it might be helpful to give yourself positive language. You might find it beneficial to encourage yourself more and take care of yourself.

I hope my answer is helpful to you. I wish you the best!

Hello!

I understand the original poster's feelings when her family rejects her. This happens in most families.

Toxic parents never realize their words and actions affect others.

They are victims too, but don't know it. This behaviour is caused by parents.

It must have been passed down from their parents.

I have to say no to negative emotions!

Parents demand their children study hard, be clean, go to bed early, and get up early.

Do they know if they've done it themselves?

If they don't do it themselves, but still demand that their children do it, it's ignorant.

As children, they can't say their parents are wrong.

As children, they must accept their parents and try to reconcile with them.

Then do what you need to do.

Don't let your parents' words affect you.

Do these two things to boost your energy.

Strengthen yourself and don't let others' negativity affect you.

When others mock you, repeat to yourself, "It's just noise."

I'm not affected by anything. I'll do better with hard work.

Children who are often scolded by their parents are likely to become shy, have low self-esteem, and rebel during adolescence.

It's hard to be cured after growing up.

Some people spend their whole lives trying to heal from their childhood.

Self-suggestion: I can do it. I'm the best.

If you fail an exam,

Tell yourself, "I can do better, I'm the best."

If no one else encourages you, encourage yourself.

You are a person too. Why do you only expect encouragement and affirmation from others?

You must affirm yourself.

The host also belittles his younger brother because of his parents.

You should encourage your brother more.

If you want to belittle your brother, think about how your mom treated you.

Tell your mother how you feel about her belittling you.

Tell your mother: When she belittles me, I don't like it. Can you encourage me?

Family members can't talk nicely because they don't know their boundaries.

It's easy to speak in a way that irritates others.

Treat your family like you treat your teachers, and they'll be happy.

I hope the original poster doesn't get discouraged and keeps trying to be a better person!

I'm Warm June, and I love you!