My child is one year old, but I still feel depressed.

Hello, my dear friend! I'm Yan Shiqi, a fellow mother. I'm sending you a big, warm hug from afar, and I'm so honored to have this chance to help you.

It's totally normal to feel a little anxious or worried at this stage. It's true that your hormones can affect your emotions, especially in the first few years after giving birth. If you don't get enough rest, it can really take its toll on your mental health.

Let's chat about the family. The original poster grew up with her grandparents and now lives with her in-laws, so it's totally normal for there to be some differences in their views on life. Coupled with the issue of raising and nurturing children, it's easy to have disagreements.

Your husband is a key figure at this time. It's totally understandable that he might not understand or be particularly attentive, especially if he's not used to it. But this can cause you to feel ignored, which can lead to subsequent emotions and concerns.

A truly happy family is one where the two of you gradually move away from your respective original families and devote yourselves to your new family, slowly building it up together.

It's only natural that your husband will be biased towards your in-laws, both because of their physical contribution to caring for the child and their original blood relationship.

So in addition to adjusting your own state of mind, the original poster should also learn to manage their marriage with their husband and communicate well.

It's so important to relax and let your child spend as much time as they'd like with their grandparents. After all, they're their grandparents, and blood ties can't be separated.

As a mom who wants to spend quality time with her little one, you can tell stories at bedtime to strengthen the bond between you and your child.

On holidays, it's a great idea to plan some fun games or activities for the three of you! Kids love to play, and they can tell when someone really loves them.

Secondly, when chatting with your husband, it's important to be mindful of your tone and approach. Try not to dismiss your in-laws' contributions, and even if you feel close to your husband, it's probably best to avoid complaining to him about his parents.

It's okay, we all have our moments! It's clear that you're not the best at expressing yourself, and your husband might not always understand what you're thinking. When you're feeling this way, it's not about trying to make your partner understand you — it's about learning to grow mentally on your own.

And finally, how can you make yourself strong?

It's so important to focus on yourself and not get caught up in the little things that come up in family life. It's great if you can find something you're interested in and learn to manage it with all your heart!

And you'll gain a whole new you in the process!

These words might seem simple, but they'll take some practice! I truly believe that your courage as a mother will help you grow.

I really hope this helps!

Hello! I hug you from all sides.

You don't seem to have postpartum depression. You have problems with your family.

Your needs and your husband's are different.

You hope to live separately, with the grandparents taking care of the baby during the day and you and your husband taking care of the baby at night. Rent another house for your in-laws to live in.

Your husband says you can either help with childcare while living with your in-laws or hire a nanny.

I don't know what the parents-in-law think or if my husband has discussed this with them.

You have a one-year-old, your husband is at home every day, and you have to support the family financially.

Having the in-laws help with childcare can reduce the burden on the family. But I have a question. Are the in-laws and husband at home taking care of the baby together? If so, can you discuss having your husband take care of the baby during the day, while you take care of it more at night?

My husband and in-laws will oppose this plan.

Many men want their parents to take care of the baby. They also want to live with their parents. They think it's unfilial to rent a separate apartment for their parents. They think it's worse to be unfilial than to fail in life.

Some elderly people think it's natural for the father to live with his son. Others don't like city life and stay in their hometown to avoid seeing their children.

My mother didn't want to come to the city to live. After she came, she didn't want to go downstairs. She felt unwell, but as soon as she returned to the village, she was full of energy again. The same goes for the grandmother who lives opposite my house. She doesn't want to go and live with her son, preferring to live alone in a big courtyard.

They can avoid going to the city if they can. Find a reason to go back to the village for a couple of days. Then hurry back. Someone in the family has passed away, or someone's child is getting married.

It's hard to change habits, including our own. Your husband has been getting along with his parents for a long time.

It's normal to feel out of place, and it's hard to change them.

If your in-laws are like that, and you have to live with your son, it'll be difficult. You may need to be honest with your husband so he understands that raising children is the parents' responsibility. If the two generations have conflicting views on the child's education, the child will take advantage of the situation.

Then the husband can work out boundaries with his parents. He can read more books on the subject and talk to his husband about it.

But you may still need to make some compromises. We all have conflicts with our parents, let alone in-laws.

If they want to go back to their hometown, they can tell their son that a son cannot argue with his parents.

Talk to your husband or a counselor. Work out your family relationships and needs.

Be sincere and honest. Address the issue, not the person.

I am Buddhist and pessimistic, but sometimes positive. I love the world.

Hello, question asker! It seems you are feeling a bit anxious about your family relationship and the different parenting styles you have with your child. I wonder if you might be overthinking this process a bit.

From your description, it seems that the questioner is a responsible mother who hopes to be able to take care of the children herself. This could be beneficial for the child's growth and for the couple to reach a mutual understanding of how to care for the child and the challenges involved.

I feel that it would be beneficial for the original poster to be recognized in the family relationship, especially when it comes to child-rearing.

1. "My in-laws are generally very nice people, but we often have differing opinions about how to raise the children. I believe that it would be beneficial for the grandparents to take care of the children during the day, and when I get home from work in the evening, my husband and I could take care of the children while the grandparents rest.

It's possible that they love their children too much. When we take care of the children, we'd like to participate, tease them a bit, and get some guidance on how to take care of the children. We also have a weaker sense of boundaries. At this point, we'd like to be able to communicate our feelings without getting annoyed.

"

(1) The questioner displays a commendable level of understanding and empathy for the challenges faced by the elderly, which is highly commendable.

(2) It is understandable that parenting styles differ between generations, but it is important to find ways to communicate effectively. It would be helpful for the parents-in-law to understand the questioner's intentions.

Could I suggest that you and your partner talk to your in-laws about the childcare arrangements? It might be helpful to say something like this: "Parents, you have worked hard taking care of the baby during the day, and I am very grateful that you are still willing to help us after working all your life. From now on, the two of us will take care of the baby at night, and you can take care of the baby during the day. This way, you can also have some rest and go out for a walk in the park to relieve your fatigue. In addition, I also want to get close to the baby and develop a relationship with it. Parents have their own way of parenting, and I will not comment on it. I respect you, but our young people's parenting concepts may be different from yours, but we are all for the good of the child. So I also hope that parents can do as I say and not comment."

How would you feel if I were to suggest that?

2. "My husband's family has a harmonious relationship, but I'm not quite sure how to fit in. My parents are divorced, and I grew up with my grandparents. I'm a bit socially awkward and really don't know how to get along with my elders.

Sometimes I find it challenging to express myself effectively, and when I get angry, I sometimes withdraw silently. My husband then interprets this as rudeness towards his parents.

Sometimes when I express my concerns to him about certain actions or behaviors of my in-laws, he tends to react strongly, assuming that his parents are facing challenges and have come to offer their assistance, and that, even if he is feeling some discomfort, he should try to be understanding and grateful.

The questioner has reconciled with her original family. A significant portion of the questioner's feelings are influenced by her original family, and she lacks parental care. Consequently, when she observes the harmonious relationship between your husband and his parents, she also experiences discomfort. It seems that the questioner is aware that her in-laws have come to provide assistance, but your husband may not fully comprehend your feelings, which could be contributing to the growing tension. It would be beneficial to identify ways to bridge this understanding gap and foster a harmonious atmosphere.

3 "I suggested living apart and picking up the baby at night, but he was not open to that idea. He suggested that we let his parents go back to their hometown and look into hiring a nanny. I'm not sure that's the best solution for us. How can we best adjust to this situation?"

I believe your husband's proposal is a fair one. If finances allow, it might be more practical to hire a nanny. This would also give your in-laws the opportunity to enjoy their retirement years, while allowing you to have peace of mind regarding the suitability of their parenting approach.

Hello, question owner!

I'm Kelly, and I totally get you! I can see that you cried for various reasons during the month after giving birth.

I think the questioner may not be able to see the child and think about his or her own family of origin and the relationship with his or her parents. In addition, the arrival of the child may make him or her cry for joy because he or she has a complete family and the love of his or her grandparents—what a wonderful thing that would be!

I think this kind of mood is totally normal! After giving birth, your body is still getting back to its pre-baby self, and it's totally normal to feel a bit emotional.

I'm thrilled for you! It's so wonderful that you have grandparents who love the child as much as you do, and who are just as dedicated to taking care of the child as you are. The child will feel the love of everyone in the world!

Many elderly people choose to live a "happy later life" on their own, traveling and learning, and seeing that everyone in your family is taking care of the children.

At the same time, we can see the family life cycle that we get to experience in our lives!

The third stage of the family life cycle is to accept the new member of the family into the system. How do you understand this sentence? It means that your husband and your world will change in the best way possible because of the arrival of the child, from a world of two to a world of five (currently your in-laws are living with you).

A new life will definitely bring new experiences! As the questioner said, they don't know how to get along with their in-laws, and I can understand that feeling.

Everyone lives together, and while that can lead to some conflicts, it's also a great way to learn and grow together! I can see that the questioner is feeling a bit conflicted, so I'd love to share my views:

1: Children will grow up after all. If you and your husband both need to work, there is no better choice than having your in-laws take care of them. A nanny is never as reassuring as one's parents, so having your in-laws take care of your children is a great idea!

2: Love the house and the crow!

In-laws are "guests," and I think they are temporary. You can put yourself in your husband's shoes. If it were me, and my husband asked my parents to take care of the kids, and they came back in the evening and came back in the morning, I would feel a little sorry for my parents, but I would also feel so grateful that my husband was able to ask them to help out!

Your husband is so kind and respectful, which just goes to show that you have a great eye for talent and have found a wonderful person to share your life with.

3: When your child goes to kindergarten, he will be in the middle class. If you and your husband can normally pick up and drop off your child, then it may be time for your in-laws to go their separate ways. This is an exciting step!

4: The original poster said that your parents are divorced. This is a great opportunity for you to learn how to get along with your in-laws! Your husband will see that you are trying hard to change, which will also help your relationship. I have seen many people around me who have left regrets because they did not handle their relationships well at this time. I feel that we will also grow old someday, and we should respect and care for the elderly and children as we would our own. Because I can see that your in-laws have not violated any principles, and it is all about small things, you can definitely work this out!

5: A good relationship is the best thing for your physical and mental health, and it's great for your child's healthy growth too! I'm sure the person who asked the question is willing to write about the problem and is ready to make some changes. You can learn more about psychology and communication skills and grow together with your child!

6: You and your husband should definitely make time for yourselves! Since you have your in-laws, you can go out for a week alone to see a movie, an exhibition, or have dinner. When you come home, you'll be happy to see that someone is taking care of the children. Someone is sharing the burden for you, and you may also feel the love of your in-laws!

7: Learn more about parenting!

Make sure you don't miss out on your child's amazing growth and development! While your in-laws are at home, you can also keep up with your own learning, embrace new experiences, visit the library, catch up with your girlfriends, and keep your spirits high!

I really hope my answer helps!

Hello!

Host:

Hi there! I'm Zeng Chen, a heart exploration coach. I've read your post and I can really feel how unfair and challenging you're going through.

I also want to say that I admire you for facing your emotions head-on and seeking help on this platform. I truly believe that this will help you gain a deeper understanding of yourself, which will in turn help you to adjust and overcome your depression.

I'd also like to share some thoughts from your post that I hope will help you see things from a different angle.

1. Take care of yourself first, and then take care of the rest!

From your post, I can tell you're feeling a bit down at home and have some disagreements with the elderly people taking care of the children. It seems like your in-laws don't have a strong sense of boundaries, which can be frustrating. And when you have grievances and emotions, your husband doesn't seem to understand you, which can make you feel even more aggrieved and depressed.

I really feel for you. You're clearly a hard-working, struggling soul. It seems like your family doesn't quite understand you, and you're having trouble integrating fully.

Next, let's chat about what we can do for ourselves right now. I think the original poster can take care of their emotions first, and then tackle the rest.

It's so easy to think that our emotions are caused by things, and that if we deal with things, our emotions will go away. But when our hearts are wrapped in emotions, we may not be able to see the whole truth at this time.

It's totally normal to make choices and decisions that aren't the best fit for you. When we calm our emotions and express them in a reasonable way, we're more likely to see the essence of things and make better choices.

So, at this time, we might first focus on dealing with our emotions. It can be really helpful to express our emotions in a reasonable way.

For instance, you could try writing in a journal to express your feelings and thoughts. As you write, you'll be able to sort out your emotions on the one hand and listen to yourself on the other.

And then, you might find that your emotions are relieved. This can give you more room to think things through in a more rational way.

2. Learn new ways of communicating!

I've read your post and I can see that you're having a bit of trouble with your family. It's totally normal! We all have to learn how to get along with our elders and express ourselves. You're doing great though! You have a good awareness of yourself, which is an ability that many people no longer have.

I also want to let you know that you just needed more practice in this area during your growth process.

Now we can learn new ways of communicating, and I really think you'll be more at ease when dealing with your in-laws again. So, the host might want to read books on communication and expression, such as "Nonviolent Communication" and "High Emotional Intelligence Communication" by Qing Yin. I really think your way of expressing yourself will change a lot!

I won't go into detail here, as the book explains it in more detail. I'm sure you'll find it helpful!

3. Learning and improvement I'm so excited to see you grow and learn! I'm here to support you in any way I can.

We've all been there. Sometimes, when we're facing a lot of challenges, we want to find a solution that can solve everything at once. It's just that we may have heard a lot of advice, but none of it seems to fit the bill.

So, what we're really missing is a way to think about things differently. Solving problems is often like trying to solve a high-dimensional puzzle with a low-dimensional solution.

So, maybe for now, you can try to put the problem aside and focus on learning and growing. Of course, communication and learning is only one aspect. You can also learn some psychology, such as how to get along with your mother-in-law.

It would be really helpful for you to get to the heart of the matter. What do children mean to family members?

I've often wondered if the elderly really just love the children when they take care of them.

It's also worth noting that from a psychological perspective, children can often become the center of power in a family. Whoever takes care of the children often has the upper hand and is the one with the most say. So if you have the chance, it might be helpful to learn more about this aspect of psychology.

You're also welcome to seek help from a professional counselor for any professional issues you may have. We're sure they'll be able to help you.

From the post, it seems like the host and her in-laws have some differing opinions on how to raise their children. It's also clear that there are a few hiccups in their relationship. And, on top of that, there are some challenges in communicating with her husband. These are all things that can be worked through, but it might take a bit of time and patience.

It's not really realistic to just rely on an answer, is it?

I really hope these will be helpful and inspiring for you!

Dear Host, I hope my answer will be of some assistance to you.

It is possible that this is not postpartum depression, but rather a period of adjustment for the couple following the birth of their child. It is important to note that the marriage will require exploration and growth in terms of child-rearing, in-law relations, and communication with the husband. A deeper understanding and learning of these areas can lead to greater relaxation and comfort in family relationships.

It is not uncommon for individuals to have differing opinions with their in-laws and spouse. Our upbringing and experiences shape our unique perspectives and habits. To foster a harmonious relationship, it is essential to collaborate and communicate effectively. With time and effort, we can achieve a balance where everyone's needs are met.

You have indicated that you have difficulty expressing yourself at times, and that you occasionally become angry and walk away silently. This may be perceived as discourteous by your husband's parents.

On occasion, when you voice your concerns to him about certain actions or behaviors exhibited by his parents-in-law, he tends to react strongly. His perspective is that his parents have endured significant challenges and have extended a helping hand, and therefore, he believes it is important to maintain a positive outlook and express gratitude. When you proposed the idea of living separately and picking up the baby at night, he declined, stating that he wished for his parents to return to their hometown and for you to secure the services of a nanny. However, you were not particularly keen on this solution.

It appears that your differences are irreconcilable. However, there is a common need, namely to be able to take care of the children. You both care about the children, but you may disagree on some things. Nevertheless, your goals are aligned. Let us consider how we might achieve this goal in a way that is acceptable to both parties.

Since your husband is not amenable to the idea of living separately from your parents, you may wish to inquire as to his rationale. He has suggested that he could ask your parents to return to their hometown, which effectively constitutes a separation, except that they would no longer be able to care for the child during the day.

Furthermore, you do not want your parents to return to their hometown and hire a nanny on their own. Therefore, you require the assistance of your grandparents during the day. You simply do not want them involved in the care of the children at night.

I appreciate your perspective and understand your concerns. You believe that if you live separately from his parents and the children are cared for by them during the day, and then picked up in the evening to live with you, they will not interfere at night. This could be an effective solution for you, but it may not align with their needs. I anticipate that your husband may have reservations, and his parents may also have objections. There must be underlying reasons for their reluctance. You may find it helpful to empathize with their situation and see it from their perspective. If you were in their position, would you be willing to live separately?

In that case, perhaps you will be able to gain insight into their perspective.

In the event of a disagreement, it is always possible to choose a different course of action.

As an example, you may choose to continue residing with your in-laws, but it is important to accept that they are unlikely to change. If someone is unwilling to change, it is challenging to influence them.

As the adage goes, "A single thought can change the world." There are three categories of matters: our own affairs, other people's affairs, and the affairs of heaven. The source of our distress is that we do not control our own affairs, but instead concern ourselves with other people's affairs and the affairs of heaven. The actions and thoughts of other people are their own business. The reason they have their current ideas and behaviors is due to the influence of their own growth environment and life experiences. They have been like this for decades and will not change quickly.

Therefore, if you continue to refuse to accept them for who they are, you will experience repeated instances of annoyance and anger when they act or think in ways that you do not accept. However, if you can truly accept them for who they are, you will maintain a calm and open-minded demeanor in the face of their actions and thoughts.

It is important to accept your colleagues for who they are. When you do so, they will feel your acceptance, understanding, and respect. This will make it easier for you to communicate with them.

Your second option is to communicate with them.

The fundamental principle of communication is the absence of criticism or accusation, and the presence of respect and acceptance. The objective is to provide superior care for the child. It is possible to express feelings and needs in a gentle manner, and it is essential to do so. Otherwise, the other party will be unaware of your needs and unable to assist you.

Since they are here to assist you, they undoubtedly want to be able to provide genuine help. However, if you never express your actual needs, they will remain unaware of how to assist you. Given that your husband disapproves of you complaining about your in-laws, it would be prudent to speak with them directly. However, we cannot simply complain, as that will undoubtedly exacerbate the situation. Our objective is to establish a harmonious relationship with your in-laws, is that not correct?

I recommend that you communicate your genuine feelings and expectations to your parents in a respectful and tactful manner. When discussing sensitive topics, it is essential to maintain a calm and diplomatic approach. For instance, you could say, "Mom and Dad, when I was caring for the children today, you made a remark that I found uncomfortable and hurtful. I would appreciate your support and understanding, as well as your recognition of my efforts. Going forward, I would like to request your encouragement and support when I am caring for the children." By expressing your genuine feelings and needs in a constructive manner, you can foster a more harmonious relationship with your parents.

As a daughter-in-law, I am aware that my in-laws also require recognition and support. They are concerned that we may criticize their performance and are therefore reluctant to accept constructive feedback. It is challenging to empathize with their feelings when we are in their position. However, by truly understanding their perspective, we can develop more effective communication strategies to foster positive relationships.

It is my assessment that the desire to have the elderly return to their hometown is not the root of the problem. Rather, it stems from a lack of understanding of how to interact with and communicate with them effectively. When needs are suppressed and not expressed, it can lead to feelings of frustration and helplessness, which can create discomfort in the relationship. The key to addressing this issue is not necessarily separation from the elderly. Even if that is a desired outcome, the elderly can still exert influence through video, phone calls, and messages. I have a deep understanding of this, but if communication and relationship-building skills are employed, a supportive dynamic can be established, leading to greater comfort and happiness within the family.

I therefore recommend that you familiarise yourself with the following books on communication and intimacy: "Nonviolent Communication," "Crucial Conversations," "How New Families Are Shaped," "Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships," "Happy Marriage," "How to Argue Properly," "The Five Languages of Love," "The Five Abilities of Love," and "Lasting Happiness."

Please accept my best wishes for your success.

Hello, my name is Strawberry!

From what you've told me, it seems like you're feeling pretty frustrated. Living with your in-laws is the last thing you want, especially since they have different parenting styles than you do. From what you've said about your husband's behavior, I can see why you'd want to move out and not live with your in-laws.

It's great that your in-laws help with childcare so you can go to work! But it seems like there might be a bit of a misunderstanding. It seems like they're trying to correct and guide you when you're leading the children, which could be seen as teaching you to bring up the children. But it might be more accurate to say that they want you to bring up the baby according to their own methods.

My little one is already a year old, but I still feel so down sometimes.

● Why not try to communicate and improve the current way of getting along?

It's so common for women to experience this! Our in-laws often feel that they have more experience, so when they see us taking care of the children, they're quick to offer their advice. It's great to have their input, but we have to be careful not to take it personally or feel resentful.

It seems like your in-laws might be a bit too eager to give you advice when you're taking care of your little one. It's totally understandable! We all want our loved ones to be there for us, especially when we're new parents. But it's also important to remember that you're the expert when it comes to your child. So, it's time to have a chat with your husband and come up with a plan. First, you can start by communicating with your in-laws. Let them know that you appreciate their advice, but you'd also like to explore on your own. When you're ready, you can always turn to them for guidance.

The questioner can only convince her husband to persuade her parents if she is united with him. It's so important to remember that just because we treat someone as a parent, it doesn't mean they'll treat us as a child. So, it would be really helpful for your husband to talk to your in-laws. If they agree, it'll be like a weight off the questioner's shoulders!

From this problem, you can see what you need.

The in-laws take care of the children during the day, and the questioner and her husband take care of the children at night. They'd really love it if the in-laws didn't get involved at all when they're taking care of the children. But it's not really possible to do that under the same roof. The in-laws also adore the children, so given the current circumstances where they have to live together, the questioner and her husband have suggested that the in-laws live separately.

It's great that you and your partner can live separately, but it seems like he's not totally on board with the idea you've proposed. We're all individuals with our own ideas, but from your communication with your husband, it seems like you're both trying to make everyone follow your own arrangements. In reality, things are rarely that simple.

It's so interesting to see how our upbringing and the people we interact with shape our social lives. It seems like you're looking to reduce contact to make it easier to relax when you get home after a long day. I can relate! I've found that it's helpful to have some space when I'm around my in-laws. It's not that I don't like them, but I like having some time to myself when we're together.

One thing I've noticed is that men and women have different experiences when it comes to marriage. Men often find that they gain a wife who is good to them, and it seems like they don't really need to change much. Women, on the other hand, often find that they gain their husband's family, and they have to learn how to get along with them.

Let's find a better solution together!

After the questioner proposed the idea of asking the in-laws to live on their own to her husband, he kindly refused and also gave the questioner another solution, which was to hire a postpartum care helper. The questioner did not want to do this either, which is totally understandable!

Let's take a moment to think about this situation in a realistic way. The original poster's idea was that her in-laws live nearby and help her take care of her children during the day. Then, she brings the children back to their house in the evening. Now, she and her husband are living together. If she rents a house and includes food, utilities, and other costs, it will be a significant expense. Does she and her husband have the financial flexibility to plan this way?

After a long day at work, you deserve a break! If you have to take the child back home and then send him to your in-laws the next day, it's best to have a rented place close by. You'll probably still be tired after returning home, even if your husband helps with the child. You'll still have to cook and do the housework, which can be exhausting over time.

The husband of the original poster suggested hiring a postpartum care helper, which is also a great solution! However, hiring a postpartum care helper to take care of the child is also a kind of social interaction. It's important to get along with the other person to get to know each other. This way, you'll feel more confident entrusting the child to the other person's care. Hiring a postpartum care helper is also a major expense, which is a real-life issue that needs to be considered.

It's time to find a more suitable solution based on your current situation. Your little one is still young, and there are many things you can't do as you've arranged. But it'll be much better when your child goes to kindergarten! You can also take advantage of this time to get used to social issues. Once you've overcome them, many problems will become non-issues.

It's totally normal to feel overwhelmed right now. It's so important to take some time to release your emotions.

It's the holiday season! Time to enjoy some quality family time. Why not plan a day trip or picnic at a nearby attraction? It'll be a great chance to bond and create happy memories together. And if you're looking for a way to relax and recharge, spending time in nature is a wonderful way to feel calm and energized.

It's so important to find someone you can confide in. This could be your husband or a close friend. When you're feeling confused, it's natural to want to talk about it. But it's important to remember that complaining about someone else's faults is not the same as confiding in someone. If you can find someone you can talk to openly and honestly, they'll be much more willing to listen to you. And you'll get much more helpful advice and support.

I'd like to suggest a third option: writing to heal. There's lots of scientific evidence that writing can relieve anxiety and depression. It's been used in other countries for decades. I really like the book "The Power of Self-Healing through Writing" by Zhou Liyuan. It lists the emotions that we encounter in reality when we encounter many problems, and teaches us how to relieve them through writing.

It's so important to face your emotions and find the right way to relieve yourself. I really hope my answer is helpful to the questioner. Sending lots of love and best wishes.

Dear Host, I have read your description and can comprehend your emotional state. I hope my vote will provide some inspiration.

A woman encounters two significant challenges following marriage:

The initial concern pertains to the education of the child.

Secondly, the issue of managing the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.

In the article, you stated that you frequently experienced distress during the period of social isolation. Additionally, you mentioned that you have social anxiety. This suggests that you are particularly fearful of being alone. During the aforementioned period, your husband was away at work during the day and only returned home at night. Consequently, you would likely have felt insecure and struggled to adapt during the day.

Additionally, during pregnancy, there may be limitations on one's autonomy, such as dietary restrictions, limitations on screen time, and so forth. These restrictions can contribute to feelings of irritability, leading to increased emotional distress during the postpartum period.

The second issue pertains to the children. This is a common challenge faced by many newlywed families. In your letter, you indicated that your in-laws intend to assume responsibility for the children's care during the daytime, allowing you the opportunity to rest at night. However, they also expect you to assume direct responsibility for the children's care.

However, many elderly individuals desire constant proximity to their children, a situation that can be highly discomforting to their offspring. The assumption is that prolonged residence with grandparents will result in the child developing a more independent identity. This perception may be shaped by the individual's own experience of growing up with a grandmother.

The issue at hand is the lack of communication. As previously stated in the article, there are instances when the subject displays a tendency to walk away silently when experiencing anger. This behavior may be perceived as disrespectful by the husband, who may believe that open communication is essential for maintaining a healthy relationship with his parents.

Indeed, the most crucial aspect of the relationship between a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is effective communication. When communication is optimal, the family dynamic is likely to be harmonious. Conversely, if communication is deficient, the risk of experiencing abuse on a regular basis is elevated.

It is also crucial to maintain a separate residence from one's parents following marriage. This is because there is often a generational gap in communication between parents and their adult children. In such cases, a remark made by one's in-laws or one's own parents may evoke a negative emotional response in the other party without either party being aware of it.

The notion that distance can foster beauty is a pervasive one. Therefore, if circumstances permit, it may be advantageous for couples to reside separately.

In regard to child-rearing, it is imperative that effective communication be established. It is indubitable that issues cannot be resolved without communication.

It is recommended that both parties be able to consider the perspective of their partner and engage in more communication and exchange of ideas.

These are my considered opinions on the matter.

Lin Yang:

1. [Confinement issues] During confinement, you often expressed frustration for various reasons. Could you please describe what happened during confinement? We need to understand the situation more clearly. If the issue was with your in-laws, you can communicate with your husband without emotions, without complaining, without arguing about right and wrong, and simply discuss the specific issues. This will allow your husband to communicate with his parents.

If the issue is one that you are responsible for, then you are the one who must implement the necessary changes.

2. Self-awareness: If you feel irritated when your in-laws provide guidance on child-rearing, it indicates a lack of self-awareness and a need for more independence.

There is no inherent problem with that. The issue arises when there is a lack of compatibility between you and your in-laws.

The relationship between my husband's family is more harmonious because they can accept each other's shortcomings.

It is important to recognize that everyone has both strengths and weaknesses. By accepting your in-laws' shortcomings and working on your own weaknesses, you can better integrate into the family dynamic.

3. Pros and cons: Consider the additional costs that would be incurred if you hired a nanny. Your in-laws are now willing to assist with childcare and perform a significant amount of housework, which relieves you of considerable stress.

In the current social climate, there are numerous instances where parents-in-law do not assume childcare responsibilities. Many individuals express envy towards those who have parents-in-law who provide such assistance. It is important to recognise that when we enjoy the advantages of a particular situation, we must also accept its accompanying disadvantages.

It is understandable that you would want to enjoy the benefits of your in-laws' assistance with childcare. However, it is unreasonable to expect to accept the negative aspects of your in-laws' behavior. If you find it challenging to maintain a positive relationship with your in-laws, it may be advisable to follow your husband's advice and request that they return home and hire a nanny.

However, this is still the underlying issue: you appreciate the advantages of a nanny but are reluctant to invest further financially.

It is not possible to accept only the positive aspects of a situation and ignore the negative. Doing so leaves one with an incomplete view of the world.

Hello, as a new mother, I feel the same. Having time alone with your child is important, but it often doesn't happen. This makes you feel powerless and anxious.

Going to work is good for you. You can also tell that you feel more at ease having your parents help with childcare than hiring someone else. If you can communicate with your parents easily, wouldn't that make things easier for you?

Your in-laws are actually quite good. If you have any requests, you can try to express them directly. For example, "Mom and Dad, I want to spend some time alone with the baby." If they ask you how you will take care of the baby, you can agree to it first. You can try your own methods. Everyone is doing what is best for the baby. Then they will be able to accept it. If not, communicate with them again.

In unfamiliar environments, we must choose ways of communicating and doing things that suit us. This protects our inner selves and allows us to do what we want in a calm state of mind.

I hope this helps. I hope you can sort out your environment and mindset so you can live a happy life.

Hello!

I can see you feel helpless and powerless. Hugs!

Your child is just over a week old, and you have to take care of the household and work at the same time. It's really hard. You have to take care of the child and ask the elderly to come over to help. Everyone has to get along because of the child. There are a lot of things to do. It's not easy when the child is young. Hugs!

To her husband, they are his parents. They've been getting along for decades. For us, it's only been a year or two, and it's difficult. The generation gap is ancient. Mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law have always had problems. This is a problem every family has. The problem you have is minor.

Your in-laws are good, and you leave when they get angry. This shows you are kind.

I'm confused. You think you've left quietly, but you're not good at communication. Your parents divorced when you were a child, and you lived with your grandmother. That's part of it, but you're also lonely. You still have these problems in your current situation.

This is because parenting concepts are different. There is no right or wrong. This also corresponds to the saying that family is a place for emotions. You can only be as emotional as possible for the sake of the child.

You're the one who has it the hardest.

You didn't want to get involved with other people, but now you have to. You don't have your husband's support when you have problems, and it's hard to find solutions.

If you can't solve the problem, try to be positive. Think about how your child is growing up. Once they go to kindergarten, you might be able to ask your in-laws to go back to their hometown. You can also think of ways to do this, like taking your child out to play at night or asking your in-laws to go out and do activities in the square.

Let's get along slowly for now, and then discuss the rental issue slowly. If that doesn't work, you can rent a house and move in for a while. You can also try hiring a nanny for two months.

Then come back. Adjusting will help your relationship.

There are always more ways than difficulties. Just keep going, and you'll get closer to that wonderful day every day. Your child is growing up, and will get better and better!

I hope you can be happy. The world and I love you!

I extend my support and encouragement in this challenging situation. I hope these insights can provide some guidance.

Given the emotional challenges you faced during the postpartum period, it is understandable that you may have experienced some degree of postpartum depression. However, you have demonstrated resilience in navigating this period and have successfully emerged as a mother.

There is a discrepancy in opinion between you and your in-laws regarding child-rearing practices. It is understandable that you have certain needs that are unique to mothers, and that you desire time alone with your child in the evenings, which your in-laws may perceive as them withdrawing from your space. It is important to recognize that your in-laws may not fully comprehend your perspective, yet they continue to express enthusiasm towards you and your child.

Furthermore, your in-laws should recognize the challenges you face in balancing work and family responsibilities. Demonstrate your appreciation for their understanding and support.

You are aware that your in-laws are kind individuals, but they lack the ability to establish clear boundaries. It is essential to recognize the value of your own opinions and feelings.

If circumstances do not align with your expectations, it can be challenging. This can also impact your emotional state.

Your husband proposed that your parents relocate to their hometown for a period of time and that you engage the services of a nanny. You did not concur. It is my assessment that you are concerned that the childcare provided by your parents-in-law may not be as satisfactory as that provided by your grandparents. Consequently, after evaluating the relevant factors, you are unable to reach a decision.

It would be prudent to accept your husband's suggestion and refrain from inviting your in-laws over for the time being.

It is inadvisable to attempt to force yourself to integrate with your in-laws, as this could have adverse effects on your mental and physical well-being. Only after going through the process of having to do so can tolerance be strengthened.

It would be beneficial to allow yourself some space and give the in-laws some time.

I would like to extend my warmest regards to the world and to you.

Hello!

I want to give you a hug. I saw myself in your description. I was helpless, depressed, at a loss, and had a lot of feelings of powerlessness. I also had grievances, guilt, anxiety, resentment, and rejection.

It's normal to feel moody after giving birth. Hormones can cause this, and it's also possible to experience postpartum depression. I had mild depression after giving birth, but it got better after I went back to work.

Your in-laws are nice, but you still disagree about child-rearing. They think they know best, so they'll give you advice. I'm also an experienced parent, and I can't say who's right and who's wrong. I disagreed with my in-laws a lot, so I understand how you feel.

You said that when you were a child, your parents divorced and you grew up with your grandparents. You are a bit socially anxious, so you don't get along well with your in-laws and communicate with them. Sometimes when you get angry, you just walk away silently, which has caused a lot of misunderstandings. Your husband said that you were rude to his parents. This is not good because you are not good at expressing your true thoughts. You can't be blamed for this. Your unique upbringing has shaped your personality and ability to get along with others. You have actually noticed this, which is a very good realization. Since we are aware of our shortcomings, we are already changing. Communicate more with your husband, and you will learn to slowly express your inner feelings. Don't keep them bottled up inside. You will slowly grow up.

How are family members?

Living with your in-laws is hard. You come from different backgrounds, with different habits, personalities, and so on. You have to get to know each other and respect each other. I was the same. I saw the problems and always hoped they would change. I realized they couldn't, and I was depressed. Things at my house were complicated. My father-in-law was stubborn and doted on the children. I was mad at that time. But my brother-in-law had a baby, so they had to go take care of it. I felt relieved. I could separate from them. Later, when they came back, we lived separately. Our conflicts over child-rearing ended this year.

I was young and had prejudices against them. I had rebellious feelings and couldn't stand their actions. We were together all day, and my bad mood kept building up. I was depressed all day. I didn't know who to talk to, so I bottled it up. I got better after separating from them. If I could accept things, I would feel differently.

I don't know why you didn't ask your parents-in-law to hire a nanny. Were you worried about the nanny taking care of the baby? Or was it a matter of cost?

You're right, living apart is better, but my husband disagrees. I don't know why. Is it because we don't have a house or for some other reason?

You and your husband still need to communicate well and not be angry with each other.

I think the best way is to live separately. The elderly would probably agree. So you need to communicate well with your husband.

Even if you live separately from your in-laws, you should get along with them. They are here to help you, and they have changed their lifestyle for your sake. Be grateful for that. Learn to communicate with them and express your feelings. Live with them and treat them well. I think it will feel comfortable, just like my situation with my in-laws. We are also getting along and becoming more harmonious.

Harmony at home leads to success! Respect the elderly, love yourself, and work together as a couple!

I wish you a happy, fulfilling life! I hope my answer helps.

Love you! ?

Hello, my name is Xing Ying, I work as a listening therapist at Yixinli, and I am a national level-3 psychological counselor.

As a mother, I have experienced many of the same things you have, including giving birth, working while raising a child, hormonal changes that can lead to emotional instability, conflicts over different views on education, and the joy of having a child. I can relate to your feelings very well. I feel compelled to say:

I must admit that being a mother is quite exhausting, and caring for a child can be even more tiring than going to work.

The arrival of a new life is a joyous occasion, yet it can also be a challenging time. As first-time mothers, we may have many questions and concerns.

After the end of maternity leave, you left the stressful environment and things got a little better. I think any mother who has raised a child can relate to this: it is often easier to go to work than to take care of a child.

I recall how I felt when I first had my child.

On the one hand, I feel a little relieved and relaxed. Compared to taking care of a child, going to work can be considered a break. But at the same time, I have a vague feeling of guilt or self-blame, as though I might be looking for a way out by leaving my child at home.

I am aware that such thoughts are not entirely rational, yet I find myself entertaining them with some regularity. On one occasion, I was eager to leave for overtime work and attempted to persuade my child to sleep before I departed. However, she remained awake and smiled at me. This led to a moment of intense frustration, as I felt isolated in my feelings. My family members even found humor in the situation, which further intensified my sense of isolation.

Given your experience of growing up with divorced parents, I wonder if you feel that your children will receive enough love.

I believe the conflict arises from an internal struggle.

However, there is a risk that they may love their children too much. When we are with our children, it is important to participate, tease them a little, and guide them in the way we raise our children. At this time, I may become a little irritated.

If you feel guilty about yourself, and then try to make up for it by spending time alone with your child when you get home, it can be a very delicate situation. We ourselves may not even notice it, but our elders certainly will, and they may think that it is finally time for the whole family to get together and have fun, so they may want to join in. But our desire to compensate our child may not come to fruition, and we may feel that our feelings have been disturbed, which could lead to feelings of disappointment and anger.

Our elders and we educate our children differently. With a little guidance, our bad emotions can sometimes feel amplified, and we may perceive the guidance as criticism. I can't bring up my child, and this can sometimes reinforce our internal self-blame. In this situation, we may unconsciously turn our bad emotions into attacks on others.

From your writing, it seems that when you're not in the mood, you can see the challenges faced by your elders. However, it's only in certain situations that conflicts arise, which in turn intensify the conflicts between you and your husband. This cycle can be quite challenging.

How might we resolve our inner conflicts?

You might consider trying the following:

1. It would be beneficial to first satisfy yourself, take care of yourself, and avoid self-blame.

It would be beneficial to ensure that you are a happy mother, as this will contribute to your child's happiness. It is important to take care of yourself, whether that means going to work, shopping, or resting. It is crucial to be gentle with yourself and to trust your abilities as a mother.

It is believed that when a parent is happy, their child will be happy too.

2. It might be helpful to agree with your family to spend time alone with your child every day, and to show your love consistently.

It might be helpful to gently explain to your family that you would like to spend some time alone with your child after work to nurture your bond. Rather than simply stating, "You've worked hard, you rest, I'll do it," you could consider saying something like, "I would love to spend some time alone with my child after work to nurture our bond." This way, your parents may be more likely to understand your true desire and be supportive of your request.

It is important for the child to have the mother's focused and regular company, which will foster a secure attachment. During this time, it would be ideal for only you and the child to be together (you can also invite the child's father to join if you'd like), such as half an hour before bedtime or the walking and playing time after dinner. At other times, you can still enjoy the happiness of a big family and take care of the needs of all parties.

[It would be helpful to try to resolve internal conflicts in order to gain a better understanding of external contradictions.]

When people are experiencing sadness, exhaustion, and self-blame, they may find it challenging to engage in conflict resolution and maintain a sense of calm and objectivity.

It would be beneficial to learn to take care of yourself, consistently express your normal needs, satisfy your desire to "take care of the children and be a good mother," and feel a sense of satisfaction and happiness inside. Once you have done that, you may wish to consider how to handle the relationships around you.

My husband sometimes feels that I am being rude to his parents. When I complain to him about some of the things his parents do, he reacts strongly, thinking that his parents are working hard to help us out and that I should be grateful and put up with it even if I don't like it.

I suggested that we consider living apart and picking up the baby at night. He was not in favor of this idea and expressed his desire for his parents to return to their hometown and for me to find a nanny. However, I was not entirely convinced that this was the best solution for us.

[Distinguish between rights and obligations, establish a sense of boundaries, and handle relationships]

As parents, you and your husband are the primary caregivers for your child. It is understandable that it can be challenging to balance work and childcare responsibilities, especially in today's world where women are often expected to juggle both roles. It is not always feasible for one parent to take on the full responsibility of childcare.

It is important to remember, however, that the person responsible for taking care of the child will not change.

If we find ourselves in a situation where we are carrying a heavy burden of responsibility and feel unable to cope, it is important to find a way to resolve the issue. There are two main options to consider:

It is important to recognize that there are differences between the nature of relationships involved in these two options: paying for labor versus asking for help.

It might be helpful to think about this in terms of an employment relationship.

If both parties are satisfied with the financial compensation and the quality of service, an agreement can be reached between employers and employees. It is understandable that concerns about finances or the ability of a nanny to care for a child properly might lead to hesitation.

It is important to remember that when we ask for help, we are entering into a helper-helper relationship.

It is only fair that family members can help with childcare for an extended period without complaint or expectation of reward. Even the best friends in life can only help for a day or two, or at most a week, right?

It is important to remember that children are also grandchildren of the elderly. While the elderly have the right to visit their grandchildren, they do not have the obligation to raise and care for them. As the mother of the child, you have the right to refuse help from someone else if you do not want it. You can also ask for help if you need it, but you do not have the right to demand it.

It would be beneficial to remember that it is not right for the elderly to help us with the children. If we are unable to take care of the children ourselves and are unwilling to hire a nanny, and we have to ask the elderly to help, it is important to understand that the elderly are the helpers and we are the ones being helped. It is also essential to be grateful for their assistance.

Once we have a clear understanding of our rights and obligations, it will help us to establish better boundaries and to manage our relationships with others more effectively.

In the month following the birth of my child, I experienced a range of emotions. After the maternity leave period ended and I returned to work, I found that things improved. However, I have recently encountered some ongoing challenges with my family.

From your description alone, it is difficult to determine with certainty whether you are experiencing postpartum depression. However, I can sense a low mood. Even if you are not suffering from postpartum depression, the arrival of a new life will undoubtedly bring about significant changes to the family's routine and lifestyle, particularly for the mother. This is a natural process of adjustment.

It is important to take care of yourself and love yourself. If you feel that your mood is constantly low and you are suffering, you may wish to consider visiting the psychiatric department of a top-level hospital for a diagnosis. This can help you gain a realistic understanding of your own health, and you may also find it helpful to seek the support of a psychological counselor.

In short, congratulations on becoming a mother. Children are a blessing from above, guiding us on our journey of growth. Let's embrace happiness first, and then embrace our role as mothers. The world and I love you!