My father always calls me at home, as if he is concerned about me. It's annoying. What should I do?

Hello!

From your description, I can see that your father's words and deeds have made you feel some bad thoughts. But don't worry! You may have these bad thoughts simply because you have a bad impression of your father, etc. I can understand your current mood and feelings, and I'm here to help!

I really believe that:

1. Learn to be aware of your thoughts!

Sometimes we think that a certain thought may be a reflection of our inner self onto other people, which is not necessarily true. But here's the good news: we can be aware of our emotional feelings and some thoughts to see why such thoughts arise, so as to find out the cause and make adjustments!

2. You can express your feelings and needs!

You should definitely talk to your father about why you have these thoughts and ask him why he reacted in this way. It'll be a great chance to see what kind of intentions he has when communicating!

And finally, learn to be aware of your emotions!

Once you've identified the root cause of your emotions, you can seek the guidance of a counselor. Counseling is an amazing tool that can help you gain insight into the reasons behind your emotions and thoughts, allowing you to make positive changes in your relationship.

Finally, it's time to adjust your mindset! Your thoughts may just be your thoughts, but you have the power to change them. Learn to be aware of your feelings, emotions, and thoughts, identify the causes, and then correct and adjust them.

Wishing you the very best!

Hello, question asker!

From your description, I can tell you feel helpless. Is that right?

You say that when only you and your father are at home, he keeps shouting at you to do this and that. He tells you to drink more water and exercise more for your own good, which you know, so you feel conflicted and annoyed. Are these feelings accurate?

You say he doesn't respond to you directly but looks at you with a mocking expression when you communicate with him. You need to decide whether this is a feeling or a fact.

I'm going to tell you straight: the situation you described is a very common family situation. I don't know if you agree with me, but I'm telling you what I think.

In fact, when Dad shouts at you, you can also feel that there is a part of it that comes from his concern for you. It's just that as independent individuals, we don't like to feel controlled, because we've already grown up! And we know we can handle ourselves.

When Dad shouts at you to do something that's good for you, you feel annoyed, but it's also a kind of powerless resistance. You want to tell Dad, "Look, I've grown up now, and I can decide for myself what I want to do. You don't need to keep making decisions for me." Is this what you were thinking at the time?

There are three voices in the family: one about the relationship between mom and dad, the other about their views on our relationship, and our own.

Let's be real. In the family, one of our voices is always ignored. It's the parents, who think they're doing what's best for us.

When your father feels uncomfortable with your behavior and you tell him that it doesn't work, stop and look at your parents and what their needs are.

We need to be independent and free to go out and explore. They need to let us do that. If we want them to let go and let us fly freely, we need to look at their needs and satisfy them. Then they will satisfy our desires.

First, become aware and clarify.

How long have you felt this way? Why do you feel uncomfortable? Then you must clarify what kind of living and family situation you want.

You can do this yourself and feel more comfortable.

Next, communicate with a different mindset.

When Dad shouts at you, you immediately argue back. Think about how you would feel if the situation were reversed. I suggest you try to think differently, or rather, try to see things from Dad's perspective. If you shout at your child to do something, what kind of reaction do you hope to get?

Your child needs to learn to communicate with you in a more effective way.

Then, adjust your mindset.

You feel annoyed by your father's behavior because your heart is not at peace and your emotions are influenced by others. You have not controlled your emotions as described above. You need to adjust your emotions, not be influenced by others, and be the master of your emotions. This is a guarantee in your life.

Finally, when communicating with family members, it is most effective to say what you want, rather than beating around the bush. I also have the same problem as you. When my mother calls me, she doesn't just ask straightaway, but first interrogates me about something, and then she'll just tell him what you want? And then she'll say directly that there's no point in interrogating you like that.

Hello, I'm Fei Yun, a heart exploration coach.

I understand. You want your own space and to be independent. You also want to have a calm inner world.

A hug from a distance is a way to show love and care. It's also a way to talk about boundaries. Let's share and talk about the things that bother you.

Dad is too concerned and attentive, which makes you feel annoyed.

Dad cares about you. Drinking water helps your body. Walking around helps you avoid getting sick.

With the current epidemic control, we are surrounded by "recovered people." The virus is less dangerous, but those who have not recovered are still worried. Those who have recovered hope for a stable and rapid recovery.

When you're sick, you feel down. Having people nag at you is worse. Is it really so hard to say, "I just want to be left alone"?

Your body is your responsibility. You know when you're thirsty or cold. You don't need others to ask. Just a little care is enough. If it's excessive, I'm sorry, but I won't appreciate it.

People need to pay attention to boundaries, even family members. Dad was in an extraordinary situation and was too anxious and worried, which passed on his anxiety to you.

2. You and your father don't see eye to eye, and he doesn't care about your feelings.

You tried to talk to him, but it didn't work. He did what he wanted, which made you angry. You felt disrespected.

From your father's perspective, we see his love for you. From your perspective, you need care, trust, and to be seen.

It's easy to feel frustrated and powerless when your feelings are ignored. Anger is a sign of deep powerlessness.

Let's look at communication again.

Effective communication requires both parties to express themselves and listen to each other to find a solution.

Often, we try to control others by demanding and changing them. Meet their needs within your limits.

You want your independence, and Dad wants to feel at ease with you.

Parents' love and care for their children cannot be paused. This often causes problems. Their love and care are just interruptions and hurt their children.

Use your smarts to talk to your dad. We beat the virus, so it's easier to get along with your loved ones.

I hope this helps. I love you. ?

Click "Find a coach" to continue communicating. I will communicate and grow with you one-on-one.

Good day, question asker. My name is Jia Ao, and I am not seeking any particular outcome.

I understand the issues you have outlined on the platform. Are you experiencing difficulties in your personal relationships? You mentioned that recently, due to the epidemic, you and your father are the only ones remaining at home, and you have not been venturing out much. When you are at home, your father is consistently issuing commands, and you are obliged to respond. However, if you do not respond, he will continue to issue commands and then proceed to berate you. It seems like he is concerned about you, but this kind of behavior is causing you significant distress. You communicate with him, but he does not listen, does not respond to you positively, and always speaks to you with a mocking expression. You are unsure of how to proceed.

It is understandable that you are distressed in this situation. The individual in question is persistently vocalizing demands and will not cease until you respond. He is uncooperative and maintains a peculiar gaze. It is reasonable to conclude that you are experiencing considerable distress. However, it is crucial to identify an effective solution to this issue promptly.

Let's discuss the matter further.

1. [Direct communication] The most straightforward method for addressing this issue is to communicate with your father directly and clearly. State your thoughts on the matter, indicate your dislike of this mode of communication, and inform him that you heard him call you and responded. Request that he refrain from interrupting you. I believe he understands your position. Given the familial relationship, effective communication is of paramount importance.

2. [Anxiety diversion] Consider temporarily leaving your residence. The epidemic situation has stabilized to a degree, so you can now go out appropriately. You may wish to visit friends, go for a walk, or engage in other activities. It is important to divert your attention from your concerns promptly.

3. [Adjust your mindset] When you're experiencing frustration at home, consider engaging in a relaxing activity such as listening to music at a low volume, engaging in a hobby, avoiding direct conflict, and staying occupied. This approach may help you shift your focus away from your concerns. You may wish to give this method a try.

I hope this information is helpful. Best regards, [Name]

Hello! I'm a coach at Heart Exploration, and I'm here to help. It seems like your main issue is that you're frustrated that your father always shouts at you at home, as if he were concerned about you. What can you do to improve the situation?

It's been a bit of a challenge recently, with the pandemic and everything, hasn't it? Staying at home instead of going out has meant that you and your father have been cooped up together. It's not ideal, I know. Your father is always in his room or in the living room, shouting at you in the bedroom to let you drink water or to get up and walk around, not to lie down. I can imagine it's not easy to respond to him every time, because if you don't, he will come to your door and keep calling you over and over again.

It's totally understandable to feel like your father doesn't care about you. It's so frustrating when you try to communicate with him and he doesn't listen, respond positively, or even look at you when he speaks to you. You're looking for guidance on how to handle this, and I'm here to help.

I can see that your father still cares about you, sweetheart. It doesn't matter if it's genuine or not, he's always got his eye on you!

There's a psychological concept called projection, which basically means that how a person treats others reflects their inner world.

Your dad always asks you to do this and that, which shows that he wants you to follow his requests. Otherwise, he'll feel uneasy. He'll go to the door and call you over and over again. You'll feel uneasy if you don't respond. This is your dad's inner world, and it's okay!

It's so sad when we feel like our fathers don't care about us. It's so hard to communicate with them when they don't listen or respond positively. It's also really hurtful when we see them talking to us with a mocking expression on their face. It can feel like they don't really want to communicate with us or understand us. They just want us to do what they think we should do. It's so hard to feel unappreciated and unheard. It's so sad when we feel like our fathers don't really care about us.

So, how should you respond to this situation? Well, the good news is that you can use the communication method of Nonviolent Communication:

1⃣️Let your dad know what you've noticed.

2⃣️ Be open and honest with him. Tell him how you feel and what you think about his behavior.

3⃣️ Let's talk about what you need.

4⃣️ Make your request to your father.

For instance,

"When I talk to you, it seems like you're not really listening. I'd love to hear your thoughts and ideas, so I'd appreciate it if you could respond to me directly and without a mocking expression on your face."

"I'm feeling a little sad and a little angry, Dad. I need you to know that I care about you and that I respect you. I'd really appreciate it if you could show me that you care about me too."

"I need you to respect me, to listen to what I have to say, and to really understand me, sweetheart."

"Dad, I'd really love it if you could listen to what I say carefully, answer my questions directly, and without a mocking expression."

This is just an example of how I would express myself. The book "Nonviolent Communication" is a great resource for learning how to express your thoughts and feelings step by step. I encourage you to take a look and try some of the exercises in the book.

I really hope you can feel better soon. I'm sending you lots of good luck!

Hello, thank you for inviting me. I can understand why it might be challenging to respond to another person's "kindness" from time to time.

It may be the case that your father's "good intentions" are driven by his anxiety and his attempts to maintain your relationship. I believe that reducing anxiety and strengthening the relationship are needs you share.

1. Perhaps it would be helpful to agree on a schedule.

While you are at home, it is still important to maintain a schedule. In fact, having a schedule is even more important now that you are at home.

It would be beneficial to consider dividing the time between waking and sleeping into sections, with each section dedicated to a specific activity. Including a variety of activities that promote good health is a great way to reassure Dad that you are taking care of yourself.

It would be beneficial to set aside some time after meals to invite Dad to chat, play sports, share stories, or talk to Mum and little brother on the phone. Perhaps you could set aside these times as family relationship time, and other free time as private time. It might be helpful to kindly tell Dad what you are doing during these times and that you need to be left alone.

The goal is to gradually introduce more structure into the family's daily routines. This approach can be helpful in reducing feelings of anxiety.

2. Communication with Dad

It is often the case that a "mocking" expression will evoke feelings of anger in the person on the receiving end, even if the sender is unaware of this.

You might consider gently reminding your father, "Don't laugh at me," or perhaps even imitating his expression and mannerisms. However, it's important to do so in a playful way, as otherwise your father might feel accused, which could potentially have a negative impact on your relationship.

It might be the case that Dad still sees you as a little girl and is unable to perceive your mature side. You calmly and rationally demonstrate your ability to take care of yourself and your relationships. You believe that Dad can see your growth.

I hope that you and your father will be able to resolve your differences amicably.

I hope that my response will prove to be of some assistance to you.

The father in question displays a profound concern for his daughter, yet his communication style is characterized by frequent shouting. The daughter, however, perceives this behavior as irritating and believes that her father's tone is mocking. Consequently, each instance of shouting elicits annoyance, leading to the belief that her father is unresponsive and uncooperative. This cyclical pattern perpetuates a negative perception of her father's actions.

What, then, is the appropriate course of action?

It is this author's recommendation that:

It would be beneficial to attempt to comprehend the underlying motives behind your father's actions, recognize the affection and care he has for you, and endeavor to accept his behavior. This approach may help to mitigate your annoyance.

It is understandable that you expect your father to stop calling you, to let you lie down freely, and to let you drink water whenever you want. However, it is important to recognize that the real father will always keep calling you and reminding you to do this and that. This discrepancy between your expectations and the reality of the situation can lead to conflict between the father you expect and the real father. It is also important to acknowledge that it is challenging to change the real father. As you mentioned, communicating with him will not necessarily result in him listening to you. He will likely continue to engage in these behaviors because, for a person who is not willing to change, it is difficult for others to facilitate that change.

In "A Change of Heart," the author posits that there are three categories of affairs: our own, other people's, and the affairs of heaven. The source of distress for many individuals is their preoccupation with the affairs of others and the affairs of heaven, which they perceive as beyond their control. Consequently, they tend to neglect their own affairs. The actions and statements of one's father, therefore, become a matter of personal concern. The influence of his upbringing shapes his behavior, and he is comfortable with this pattern. In fact, he may resist change.

Therefore, when he calls you repeatedly, he is actually expressing concern, and behind the concern is care. He is worried that you are not consuming sufficient water and are prone to illness, that you are not getting sufficient exercise and are prone to physical discomfort. It is simply that his method of expressing it is not the one you expect; however, that is simply the way he is. If you do not accept him in this manner, you will continue to be troubled by his reappearance of such behavior, but he will still appear, because he truly is just the way he is. This is a stable pattern.

Furthermore, when one attempts to accept their father's behavior, it is no longer a source of distress. One comes to accept that he is simply the way he is and desires for him to be different. This results in a sense of ease and a shift in expectations. Instead of experiencing conflict, one develops a more reasonable outlook on their father and is better able to interact with him in a harmonious manner.

2. Are you conscious of the manner in which you interact with your father and the vocabulary you employ? Do you engage in criticism and accusation? To communicate effectively, it is essential to do so on the basis of respect, acceptance, and understanding of the other person, expressing one's feelings and needs, as well as specific requests of him.

You indicate that when you communicate with him, he does not listen to what you say, does not respond positively, and always speaks to you with a mocking expression, which makes you feel very powerless. This is an illustrative example of the necessity for good communication to adhere to two fundamental principles: firstly, the establishment of a conducive communication atmosphere, and secondly, the absence of any criticism or accusation.

If we express our thoughts when our father is in the midst of an emotional state, it will be challenging for him to engage in a constructive dialogue. If we initiate the interaction by placing blame on him, he will likely activate his defense mechanism and respond in a defensive or aggressive manner, which will impede the ability to effectively communicate our concerns.

It is therefore essential that the expression be made in an atmosphere conducive to effective communication. One such occasion might be during a meal together, when both parties are relaxed. When expressing oneself, it is important to avoid the use of criticism and accusation, and instead present the objective facts. For example, one might say, "Dad, today you told me to drink water and get up and walk around, which I found somewhat annoying and uncomfortable. I hope you will respect my free time and my space, and also believe that I can take care of myself. In the future, I would appreciate it if you would refrain from telling me to drink water and get up and walk around. When you have more important needs, you can call me again, okay?"

It is also possible to consider the perspective of the father. He may express concern about the child's wellbeing, citing fears of illness or an inability to provide adequate care. Such communication can facilitate a deeper understanding of each other's needs and facilitate growth through conflict. By focusing on the underlying issues, it is possible to avoid prolonged distress caused by superficial disagreements.

It is my sincere hope that this information will prove beneficial. I encourage you to prioritize your well-being during this period of social distancing. Wishing you the best.