My father died because of me! No chance of an apology, just regret.

You feel pain and regret at your father's death. You feel that your father's death is entirely your fault and you blame yourself for this. I can understand your pain and self-blame in the face of such a great loss. But you know what? You're going to get through this. You're going to be okay.

It's only natural that we don't want the people around us to leave, especially our parents who gave us life. This pain is even more intense, but it's also a reminder of how much we love and appreciate them!

Your immediate emotion is regret, thinking that your father's death is related to you. The doctor already said that their hospital did not have the conditions to resuscitate him, and you still habitually sent the ambulance to the familiar tertiary hospital. You feel that this caused a delay and deprived your father of the chance to be resuscitated, and that this is entirely your responsibility. But you can turn this around! You can take responsibility for your father's death and use it as fuel to make positive changes in your life.

As a son, I know you want the absolute best for your father! You said earlier that his illness has come and gone five or six times, which is great news! It just means that his heart failure has become more frequent, which is something we can work on together.

What does heart failure mean? It's a fascinating topic, and anyone with a basic knowledge of medicine can understand it!

The good news is that we can treat his illness and get him back to full health! Heart failure just means that other bodily functions are declining, so we can work on that too.

From the perspective of a bystander, it feels like your father's health is actually relatively poor. But there's no need to worry! It's not a matter of which hospital you send him to, but the fact that his life has come to an end.

Birth, aging, sickness, and death are the natural laws of humanity, and they're a wonderful part of life! There's no other way but to accept them.

Let's look again at what you said: your father kept asking to go home, and you argued with him. Why did your father want to go home?

You're guessing that he just wants to go back to his home, not that he's not cooperating with treatment. As a family member who has been an inpatient companion for 10 years and has seen the behavior of many critically ill patients, I've found that many elderly people have a feeling when their lives are coming to an end. It's so interesting!

Isn't it fascinating how when a person feels that their life is coming to an end, they will subconsciously make arrangements for their funeral? It's as if they're preparing for their final journey! They may want to say goodbye to someone, or they may ask to go home when they are in the hospital.

There's no scientific reason for this, but it's something I've learned from life experience and I'm excited to share it with you! From these life experiences, I've also discovered that people may have feelings when their lives come to an end.

You argued with your father because he kept asking to come home, and you felt guilty about it. Now that your father has passed away, you feel that there is no chance to apologize. But guess what? There is!

It's totally normal to feel guilty, blame yourself, and feel remorseful. But guess what? You can actually deal with these feelings using psychological methods!

After all, your father has only been gone for less than a month! All the relatives are still in mourning, but that just means there's more time for you to heal and move forward.

And guess what? According to Chinese cultural traditions, we also have the custom of burning the seventh! You can tell your father about your emotions when you pay tribute to him.

I absolutely believe that your father's spirit in heaven will definitely understand you and hope that you will live your best life!

I'm so excited to tell you more about traditional Chinese funeral rituals! They're actually very psychologically healing. I don't know where you're from, but our funeral customs here are to stop the body for three days.

Then, every seven days, until 7 49 days! At the times of 37, 57, and 100 days, the family members will gather again to pay tribute.

During the rituals, you have the incredible opportunity to express your grief and also heal yourself. This custom of holding rituals every seven days coincides with the weekly schedule of our psychological counseling, which is a truly amazing coincidence!

And the best part is, no one has to ask why it's necessary to do this once every seven days! This is something that humans have been doing for a long time, and it's a great way to help people heal their wounds.

The deceased are gone, but that doesn't mean we can't live our best lives! We can honor them by living well.

After all, your mother is still here, and she needs you! Take care of her by completing your father's funeral and memorial properly.

It's a wonderful way to express the bond between father and son while also supporting your mother through this challenging time.

I really hope this helps! May the deceased rest in peace, and may the living be well!

Hello. I'm sorry.

You know the risks of heart failure. Each time, it's a race against death. You were lucky before, but luck doesn't last. I think every family expects the worst.

We never want this day to come.

Second, it's natural to be born, grow old, fall ill, and die. As family, we've done our best. We're not doctors and can't cure illnesses.

We can only take the patient from home to the hospital. We don't know if the hospital will save him. So we have to take him to the nearest better hospital.

This is a hospital we've visited before. It's not a mistake to send him here. If you remember, where else would you send him?

Can we find out which hospital has better heart failure treatment? Even if we know, can we guarantee we won't be delayed?

Can we guarantee the doctor will save the person? Everything is unknown.

You made the best decision you could at the time. Don't be too hard on yourself.

You did the best you could.

When the father is gone, the mother also grieves. If the father could leave a message, I believe there would be one word: Take care of yourself and your mother.

You are the family's rock. Now, more than ever, you must take care of your family.

Dear questioner, Please accept my sincerest condolences.

I am Doctor Yang, and I am grateful to have had the opportunity to connect with you on Yixinli.

I am grateful to the questioner for taking the initiative to reflect on their experiences, which has led to the topic of "My father died because of me! No chance to apologize, just regret?"

After carefully reading the question the original poster is seeking to discuss, I thought about the past scenes of my father's passing and I can very much understand the original poster's current feelings. I would be grateful for the opportunity to share my experiences and reflections, in the hope that they might inspire the answer the original poster is looking for.

I would like to suggest that we take a moment to consider the following:

I would like to suggest that you read and sort out the specific situation described by the questioner, and try to understand and analyze it.

My father unfortunately passed away just a month ago on May 30th.

It is my understanding that he had been suffering from heart failure.

He had received treatment for his previous attacks in the emergency room of a nearby tertiary hospital, and had visited the facility a total of 5.6 times.

During the last treatment, I happened to overhear the doctor who received the emergency room say:

Unfortunately, this hospital does not have the necessary emergency equipment. I would advise against coming here again.

Then, a few weeks later, he suddenly had a relapse. I wasn't there with him, and my mother called to ask for my advice on which hospital to go to.

I had the feeling that I should go to the tertiary hospital, which I knew well, for treatment. However, when I got there, the doctor said it was no good and that I should send him away, otherwise it would be too late.

Unfortunately, the ambulance was unable to reach the hospital in time, and he passed away on the way. By the time I arrived, I had not seen him for the last time, and my father had left me forever.

I must take responsibility for my role in this. Had I been more composed and recalled the advice of the doctor at the nearby hospital, I could have sent him directly to another hospital, where he would have been well taken care of.

The question is on my mind all day, and I'm unsure how to move forward.

The most challenging aspect was that, due to the incomplete recovery of his illness, he desired to be discharged from the hospital, which led to a significant disagreement between us. In retrospect, it's possible that he simply wished to return to his own residence, not the hospital. I deeply regret the situation and had no opportunity to apologize.

From this, I have a few feelings, which I would like to summarize as follows:

It would be beneficial to consider the possibility that the subject's father, who unfortunately passed away from heart failure, may have experienced feelings of deep remorse, guilt, and helplessness as a result of not receiving the best medical treatment in a timely manner during the process of seeking medical treatment and transferring to another hospital. This could have led to a state of being unable to forgive himself, and even suffering psychological trauma.

[2] It may be the case that the death of his father prompted the questioner to engage in some form of introspection and self-reflection, potentially leading to personal growth. This suggests that there might be a need to address some of the underlying emotional and emotional response patterns that are currently hidden.

[3] I am deeply saddened by the passing of the questioner's father. Is this a topic that we must all work through and complete when facing the "subjects of separation and death"?

In response to the original poster's request for assistance, and given the circumstances, you may wish to consider the following approaches:

[1] I acknowledge the objective fact that my father passed away a month ago. I am allowing myself to experience the emotions of grief and sadness over my father's death. We all will experience the subject of life, old age, sickness, and death. When faced with the subject of life and death, without sufficient psychological preparation, everyone will have the same emotional and emotional reactions as the original poster. I am trying to accept this fact.

From the questioner's narrative, I can sense the emotional response of the questioner at this stage. He has expressed feelings of self-attack, including self-blame, guilt, and regret. Alternatively, it seems as though he has allowed us to see that there is an unfinished event in the questioner's heart. My father's medical treatment for heart failure was limited by medical conditions and other factors, which contributed to the end of his life. This was not what we had anticipated. You have also mentioned that my father insisted on being discharged from the hospital after a previous illness without being completely cured. This led to a disagreement between him and his son. At that time, I did not fully comprehend my father's perspective, and I regret not having the opportunity to apologize. Now, I feel a sense of guilt and regret, which are making it challenging for me.

[3] It is important to remember that the death of your father was not entirely your fault. We must acknowledge that your father had been hospitalized many times due to heart failure, and that changes in his condition and the limitations of medical treatment all played a role. Additionally, it is not possible to predict when a loved one will leave, as we are all mortal beings and must accept that life ends.

[4] It can be helpful to accept the fact that your father has passed away and at the same time begin to "wake up" from your grief. This is a growth experience that many adults find beneficial.

If the questioner still feels remorse, guilt, or regret over his father's passing, feels that he owes his father an apology, or still has regrets such as not apologizing to his father in person, it may be helpful to find a suitable opportunity to express these feelings. This could be on the day of his father's memorial service, in person at his father's grave, in a letter, or by using an "empty chair" to imagine his father sitting in it and saying the words he has not yet had the chance to say from the bottom of his heart (if writing a letter, you can burn it). This can help to let go of any unfulfilled thoughts in your heart. You can also write a mood diary to express your thoughts about your father.

[5] When faced with the subject of life and death, it would be beneficial for us all to learn how to manage our emotions. Therefore, the original poster, who is still in the midst of their emotions, may wish to try to focus on their emotional feelings and focus all their attention on themselves. When they calm down, they may find it helpful to think about what they most want to do to make them feel better.

For instance, you might consider recalling the loving moments your father once showed you. Such recollections may help the questioner find some relief from the self-blame and guilt they feel inside, and then take action to actively complete the father's unfinished business. You may also find it helpful to communicate and express your thoughts with trusted people such as your mother, good friends, and a psychological counselor. These resources around you can provide the questioner with understanding and support, and will also become the motivation to support the questioner in walking through their grief. In short, it may be helpful to think less and act more. There is no need to force yourself to cheer up, but you might consider letting yourself gradually cheer up in a way that suits you. Action can help us avoid negative emotions. I believe that our father in heaven must hope to see our living family members continue life with firm and powerful steps!

The above is a response that combines the questioner's question. It is my personal opinion, and I hope it will spark discussion and lead to more thinking. I also hope it will inspire and help the questioner. I welcome more in-depth exchanges. I pray that the questioner will soon overcome the hardship of losing his father, gradually pull himself together, comfort his father's spirit in heaven with his own actions, and enjoy life with his family!

I am Doctor Sunshine, and I extend my love and best wishes to you all! ?

Hello! You are grieving and blaming yourself for your father's death.

First, give the poster a little strength and hope that he can get out of this sad mood soon. Facing his father's death has been hard for him, hasn't it?

The questioner sent his father to the hospital in the last stage of his illness, which meant he missed out on medical treatment. This makes the questioner feel regret and guilt.

The questioner is grieving the death of a loved one and is unable to move on. This bond of love is affecting your current life, making you depressed, unhappy, guilty, and regretful. It seems that the questioner is using his own pain to mourn the deceased.

Here are some tips on how to move on from your father's death:

Losing a loved one is hard.

Let yourself grieve.

The grief over his father's death is normal. Accept your grief and guilt, stop trying to fight it, and stop avoiding it. Express your emotions, and seek help from family and friends.

Grief caused by the death of a father is normal and healthy. When we feel sad, we should accept our feelings and allow ourselves to grieve. Most people can do this.

Grief has five stages.

Many people go through the five stages of grief when they lose a loved one.

1. Denial: Denying the death of a loved one.

Grief is a way of protecting yourself from strong emotions.

2. Anger: Blame everyone, even the questioner.

This is how intense grief is expressed.

3. Bargaining: Accepting the death but still grieving.

4. Depression: Accepting a loved one has passed away but still struggling to move on.

5. Acceptance: The loved one has passed away, and you're ready to move on.

Telling the questioner about the five stages of grief helps them face their emotions and prepare for pain. The grieving period varies from person to person. Most people's period is less than six months.

Some people take longer than six months to move on. If you're struggling, seek professional help.

Get ready for the funeral.

Your father's death has caused the questioner to feel self-blame for some of his mistakes. The questioner can ask for forgiveness at his father's farewell ceremony and think about what his father would have said if he were still alive.

I think he will forgive the questioner and let him live a good life. It is best if all the relatives attend the funeral.

At the ceremony, relatives can say what they want. This helps them feel better.

Get help from a mental health professional.

If you're too sad to cope, you can find a counselor to help you.

Some people need professional help to deal with their emotions. Others find comfort in religion.

Live well.

The deceased is gone, but the living must still live well. The original poster should take care of themselves.

To deal with sadness, try to distract yourself with other things. For example, get a regular routine, work, exercise, and enough sleep.

If you stay where you lived with your father, you can move out for now and move back in when you feel better.

Forgive yourself.

The questioner may feel he can't forgive himself because of his mistake, which caused his father's death. It's understandable to react subconsciously in stressful situations.

It's normal to make mistakes in this situation. You can't pretend nothing happened.

Give yourself time to recover and forgive yourself. If it were anyone else, they would do the same.

If the questioner can face his father's death with a clear mind, he can make a memory book of happy times with his father and keep it as a keepsake.

I hope this helps.

Hello, question owner!

From your account, it's clear you blame yourself and regret your actions. If you'd gone to a different hospital, would your father still be alive? If you hadn't argued with your father, would you feel so guilty?

When faced with a situation that cannot be undone, we always blame ourselves. We take all the blame on ourselves as if this can "atone for sins." I have experienced this kind of pain, so I understand how you feel!

The death of a loved one is a significant loss. It feels as if the most important thing in life is missing, leaving us feeling empty and at a loss. At the same time, we often have many regrets about this loss, which makes it even harder to accept.

From your description, it is clear that you have been caught in a cycle of self-blame and guilt. This is understandable, given that it is your beloved father. This incident has also become an unfinished event in your mind.

You need to find a way to alleviate some of the pain inside.

1. Accept the fact and allow yourself to grieve.

We must accept that our father has passed away. This is a trauma that takes time to heal, and grief takes time to fade away. As the old saying goes, "observe the mourning period for three years," which means that it takes time to dilute grief. This is a necessary process.

You need to understand that some things really aren't your fault.

Your words show that you loved your father, and he loved us too. He wanted to go home, and he probably sensed that his heart condition was severe. As you said, "He just wanted to go home, not to the cold hospital." Everyone knows when their time is coming to an end. Even if he wasn't feeling well and even if his son argued with him and wouldn't let him go home, he still wanted to go back. He knew best.

A heart attack is an unexpected event that is out of your control. You instinctively rushed to send your father to a top-level hospital after receiving the phone call, which was the right thing to do. However, as the condition became more and more serious, even the top-level hospital was unable to help. You should have realized that your father's condition was really very serious. There was no guarantee that he would not have an accident if he was sent to the next hospital, unless the problem of heart failure was completely solved.

The death of your father was not caused by a single factor, but a combination of factors. It was fate, coincidence, or the will of heaven. Parents have their own destiny, and a person's destiny is not controlled by others. As a child, you can only accept it.

3. You must say goodbye to your father psychologically and live a good life with his love.

Take some time to write a letter to your father. Let it flow. Allow yourself to cry. Tell him everything you want to say, from your self-blame and guilt to your remorse. Tell him how much you miss him, how you wish he hadn't left, how you wish he could see you again, look at your children, and tell him everything you want to say from the bottom of your heart. Cry if you want to.

Then think about what your father would say to you if he heard you say that.

He would say that none of this is your fault. You have fulfilled your filial duty. When you fought with him, you were just trying to get him to get better. He knows it was out of your love for him. Even though you fought with him, he won't blame you. On the contrary, he feels that his children love him. Because of that love, they care and are so worried about him!

He will also tell you, "I hope you are happy. You are the continuation of my bloodline, and living your life well is the greatest love you can give me."

You must accept that passing this love on to your children is your destiny, and that you are not responsible for your father's illness and death.

We often mistake the love we feel for our parents for sadness. In fact, the real love is to pass on the love inherited from our fathers to our children, so that love can be passed down from generation to generation.

Finally, bless your father and let him bless you. Saying goodbye to your father in your heart is the only way to release your emotions!

Feel this love, carry this love, live well, love your family and children well, and blessings to you!

~

Hello. I am a heart coach. I will listen to your story with sincerity and warmth.

I understand how you feel. Losing the people closest to you, not being able to say goodbye, is an irreparable regret. Nothing can ever be undone.

You need to think about the poor conditions at the hospital where your father was treated and the arguments you had with him before he died. These have made you feel guilty and blame yourself.

Emotions have energy, and if they don't find the right outlet, they will attack the self. The internal conflict you are experiencing now will drain your energy, affecting your work and life, and preventing you from being at peace in the present moment.

Life education continues throughout our lives. We have been learning to "separate" since birth. Let's take a look.

Life education: how to face separation with equanimity.

Our birth marks the first time we separate from our mother and become an independent individual. We then learn to walk and walk from one side to the other where our parents are. We go to school, work, and start a family. At every step, we learn to separate until we reach the end of life and realize the ultimate separation.

Growing up is a proposition that includes life education and naturally brings out various emotions. These emotions include sadness, pain, and remorse when facing separation. They all convey to us in a special way the gift of life.

From this, we can see and feel this emotion, and we know we need to be met behind the emotion. The process of separation will make us feel insecure and out of control, so we will inevitably reject, reject, and even resist separation.

This gives rise to a wide range of emotions. There are many ways to express one's feelings of missing a deceased loved one, such as Qingming commemorations and paying respects at the grave. Some people with more delicate emotions may write letters or express their feelings lyrically to express their feelings for their loved ones.

These are all effective ways to express emotions and release stress.

2. Self-blame versus responsibility: Take responsibility for your own share of the responsibility.

You know deep down that if you had taken your father to a higher-level hospital for treatment, he would not have died prematurely. If you had not quarreled with him, he might have been able to leave according to his wishes and in a more dignified manner.

These thoughts and ideas torment your body and mind every day, trapping you in self-blame. It's time to break free. Let's look at how to achieve a breakthrough.

Self-blame is the pain of having made a mistake and caused irreversible consequences. It focuses on the past and is a form of self-hatred. It is the act of hating oneself for being incompetent, not good enough, or inferior to others.

Self-blame is the inability to accept the facts of the moment. It is a confrontation with the "as is." The "should be" (the "as is" of the past) will make you miserable and consume energy. You are in that state right now.

Take responsibility. Affirm yourself. Attribute your actions to yourself. Know that you are the source of everything. Learn from this. Avoid similar situations in the future. Know what you need to do to achieve your desired effect. Focus on the present and future.

The past is the past. You can only create a better future by grasping the present. So, when a person berates himself, it's counterproductive to the effect he wants.

Your father's spirit is in heaven. Would he want to see you living in self-blame every day? Or would he want to see his child living a happier, more relaxed life?

Blaming oneself is pointless and irresponsible. When he took responsibility, his life changed for the better.

I know the above will be helpful to you, and I know it will help the world. And I love you.

If you want to continue communicating, click "Find a coach" in the upper right corner or at the bottom. I will grow with you one-on-one.

I respectfully offer the following analysis:

1. [No need to blame yourself] First of all, regarding the occurrence of this matter, I hope you can take solace in your grief and come out of it sooner. Many things in life are impermanent, because the world is ever-changing, even rapidly changing. In this impermanent world, there are many things we cannot predict or foresee, such as the future. For example, when crossing the street, you don't know what will happen when you take your first step. What you can control is to obey the traffic rules, pay attention to your surroundings, and do your best. You have done your best and have no regrets, so there is no need to blame yourself.

In the context of your father's illness, this could be perceived as a kind of impermanence, a sudden change in his condition. Many situations are unpredictable. Regardless of what you did at the time, your love for your father remains unchanged. Filial piety is unchanging, which aligns with the nature of human relationships and the way of filial piety. If you have done your best, you can stop blaming yourself.

2. The principle of happiness: Regardless of whether you love yourself or someone else, it is always advisable to follow the principle of happiness. You want him to be completely cured before he is discharged from the hospital, which is caring for his health. However, arguing with him is not conducive to happiness. So at that moment, you were unhappy, and so was your father. Now you know you were wrong and you regret it.

Perhaps it would be beneficial to consider whether following the principle of happiness would be beneficial in this situation. It seems that you have not changed since the last argument and are still experiencing the same level of unhappiness. It is understandable that you are feeling remorse, but is this the kind of unhappiness that your father needs? Is this what you need?

I hope you can find a way to move on from your sadness and regret and feel happy again soon.

Dear friend, I've been meaning to write to you for a while now about this question you asked. I've finally found the courage to do it!

Hi, I'm Yan Shiqi, and I really hope my words can help you.

By August 2022, my dear father had been gone for six years. The fourth day after he left me was my eldest brother's birthday.

I don't know if this can be considered a trick of fate, making you watch your loved ones die and then having to be strong and act as if nothing is wrong as you celebrate your young child's birthday. It's so hard!

That year, so much happened to both of us after my father left. We never could have imagined that he would leave in the summer.

In March 2016, my poor father was hospitalized again. The ascites in his liver and the swelling in his calves were just awful. His second wife was unwilling to go to the hospital to take care of him, and I, who was more than three months pregnant, could not take care of him while also taking care of my eldest son alone.

He told me that his wife had asked him to make a will, stipulating that all his property would go to her and her daughter, and that she would only go to the hospital to take care of him.

I tried to convince my father to agree to her request for the sake of his half-sister, so that he could live a long and happy life.

My dear old dad was really worried about me and my full sister, bless him.

In May, I had a miscarriage.

My own little family was a bit overwhelmed, bless their hearts.

I really hope that my father, who loved me so much and had loved me for so long, was able to cherish his last moments and stand guard for his youngest child.

My father would often say that I didn't visit often enough. I guess I resented the fact that he was so kind to his second wife, who had betrayed him.

So, we didn't have contact or see each other for two whole months!

One day in July, I got a call from my sweet grandmother. She told me that my dear father had a fever, was talking nonsense, and missed me.

I fought back the last vestiges of my stubbornness, went home, and found my dear old dad lying in bed, a little dazed. I helped him wash his clothes, but I couldn't get a word out of him because he was so delirious.

I had no idea it would be the last time I'd see my dear old dad.

One day in August, I got a call from my father's wife. She told me that my father was very sick.

But when I arrived at his house, my poor father was already so stiff.

I'll never forget the way my father left us. He was trying to get up, bless him, but the pain was too much for him. There was vomit around his nose and mouth, and his wife, who lived with him, was in the other room and didn't know anything about it.

My poor grandmother was the saddest of all. She had lost both her children.

I really wish I could have forgiven my father, but he never gave me a chance.

We share the same zodiac sign, and although he liked reading and martial arts, we ended up like this, our time together on this earth coming to an end.

His last phone call that night was to my aunt, not me.

I truly believe that people are aware in their final moments, but we haven't forgiven each other.

I often dreamed of him in the days before he left. One time, in my dream, he spoke to me in a sad, angry tone, saying, "Yanyan, I don't want to say anything more to you!" When I woke up, I realized that it was just a dream, and all that was left was a damp pillow.

At that time, I especially liked to sleep because in my dreams, we were all there together in my childhood home.

My sweet home, with my dear father and mother, when I was just a little girl.

And he gave me a little kiss on the cheek and said goodbye with a slight hint of affection.

Hey there! Do you believe in spirits? Do you believe in telepathy?

I really do believe that.

I totally get it. I don't want to forgive myself either.

Oh, sweetheart, why would you want to give your own incomprehension and bad temper to the people you love most?

I know he has truly forgiven me, and I have reconciled with him and with my stubbornness.

Your dad will always be there for you, and he'll never let you be sad or in trouble.

My dear, please don't blame yourself.

I truly believe your father never blamed you. Everything is fate, everything is a cycle of cause and effect.

As the movie Coco says, even though our loved ones have gone away from us in this world, in another parallel world, we are still together!

Your dad loves you so much that he can't bear to see you sad.

It's so important to tell your family what's on your mind, to express your regrets, and to show them how much you love them.

And don't you worry, those who have temporarily left us are always with us.

It's such a relief to know that our loved ones are no longer suffering.

They'll be getting better and better in the other world, too!

We will finally meet again there, my friend.

I really hope this helps! That's my answer.

Hello! I'd like to extend a warm hug from afar to you.

You may be experiencing a sense of loss and regret, as well as feelings of guilt and self-blame, due to your father's sudden passing and your inability to be with him in his final days.

It is important to allow yourself to experience all of the remorse, self-blame, guilt, and sadness that you are currently feeling. This is an honest emotional and mental expression and reaction when facing a major loss. It is also helpful to recognize that the loss of a loved one can cause a sense of abandonment and fear due to the sudden loss of support, especially emotional support.

It may be helpful to allow and accept these painful emotional feelings, try to get along with them, experience, perceive, feel, and sort out what the real needs behind these painful emotional feelings are. For example, it could be that you desire to be loved, to be accompanied, to be needed, to be understood, or that you fear being abandoned or not being loved. You might then try to give yourself these needs that your father used to respond to more through your own efforts, that is, try to treat yourself in the way your father used to treat you.

It is important to recognize that your actions, whether it was when you argued with your father because he wanted to insist on being discharged from the hospital despite being ill, or when you instinctively told your mother to go to this hospital despite the emergency doctor saying that they did not have the emergency equipment, which may have delayed the best time for rescue during your father's last crisis, were driven by your instincts in that particular situation. It is understandable that in such a stressful and chaotic environment, your heart was filled with fear, helplessness, and a sense of powerlessness. It is not easy to think clearly in such a situation. What matters now is that you recognize that your father was receiving treatment and that you were doing your best to ensure that he was taken care of.

Dad had heart failure, a disease that is typically characterized by the risk of death at any time. He was reluctant to accept treatment for a number of reasons, including the pain of treatment itself and, more importantly, out of his deep love and guilt towards you and Mum. He didn't want you to be afraid of his illness anymore, and he chose to accept his condition. And the fact that you and Mum did everything you could to get Dad to accept treatment was also out of love, and Dad could fully feel it.

Perhaps it would be helpful to stop blaming yourself. It seems that you did everything you could, and there is nothing wrong with you for your father's departure. It may be that you are still struggling to emotionally accept the fact that he has left, and it will take some time. It seems likely that he left with love. It seems that he did not want to see you suffer too much because of his departure and fall into deep guilt.

While your father is no longer with you in the physical sense, the positive experiences and memories he shared with you, as well as the admirable personality traits he possessed, will continue to live on in you. In other words, although he is no longer with you in person, his spirit and love will always be with you. What do you think?

You might consider writing your father in heaven a letter to express your feelings of guilt and self-reproach, as well as any other thoughts you wish to share. This could be a way of dealing with the emotional trauma caused by his sudden departure. It might help you to sort out your emotions, face the situation bravely with your father's love and your love for him, and start your new life.

I would like to express my love for you and the world.

Hello, question asker!

I've read your account a few times and I can really feel your sadness and self-blame after losing a loved one. I'm sending you a big hug and I'm sending your father lots of good karma on his new journey.

Life and death are things we can't really get our heads around. We don't know much about death, and we don't know anything about what comes after. We think death is the end, and that's why it's so sad.

It's totally understandable to feel this way. When something big happens and someone close to us passes away, it's natural to look for someone or something to blame. It's as if we're looking for a way to make sense of the situation.

If you had a fight with him or he had a wish that you didn't fulfill before he died, or if you gave him some advice but he didn't follow it, or if you went somewhere together but it turned out to be a bad idea, it's natural to feel a bit down about it. It's only human! And the more you think about it, the more you feel that it really was like that, that it really was like that, and, well, it's not easy to feel like you really deserve to die.

So, what kind of mentality is this? It's actually the desire to be with your loved one who has passed away and to continue to accompany them in what you believe is the pain of death.

It's totally normal to feel a bit lost and confused when you lose someone you love. It's like your heart is in chaos, remembering all the little things that happened in the past and feeling like you did something wrong. It's like you're looking for a way to make up for it, and you're punishing yourself for the death. It's a way for us humans to try to make sense of things.

Your father has gone, and there's nothing you can do about it. I know you love your dad, and I know you feel like if you live a comfortable life, it would be wrong. I get it. I really do. You think that because your dad is gone, he can't be happy or comfortable. You think he can't be born again.

I'm sure you never thought that when his heart stopped beating, without the constraints of the body and the troubles of the world, his soul was already at peace and light.

We either take responsibility for ourselves or we pass it onto others. But we forget that the way of the universe is something that we can't change. And that life and death are in the hands of heaven.

We all come into this world without knowing where we came from, and we go out of it without knowing when we'll go. Life and death are like a set procedure that no one can take responsibility for or control.

If you think about the past carefully, you'll see that the stories of your loved ones' lives are all connected in a beautiful way. Every event has its own special meaning, and there's also an overall meaning that ties everything together. It might feel like it was my responsibility, your hard work, or his fault, but in reality, we were just actors in a play, with no real choice in what happened.

I know it's tough to think about, but what happened was inevitable.

It's so hard to understand how life and death work. And there are so many different ideas about what happens after we die.

You have apologized to your father many times in your heart, and this sense of awareness is the most penetrating. No matter where he is, he will therefore feel a sense of family love and be bathed in the light of love.

He would definitely say something like, "It's not your fault, sweetheart. Don't blame yourself. I've already started a new journey and don't have time to say goodbye, but don't worry, everything is fine."

At the same time, you take full responsibility for the death of a life caused by the superposition of so many possible factors. This is surely not what your father would have wanted, sweetheart.

The best way to show you're sorry is to send him your love and best wishes. And take care of your partner and your mom so they can rest easy.

Take your time to remember your dad in the years to come. It's okay to feel sad, but try to keep a happy heart.

Talk to your father in your heart, and he will hear you, even if he may not be able to respond. All the answers you get from the people who respond to you are also due to the karmic connection with your father. He is telling you not to blame yourself, it's not your fault. It was destined that you would part ways with a full life. You were not there to say goodbye face-to-face, but you will be able to recognize each other in the next life so that you can see each other again.

Sending you all the best wishes, blessings, and good luck!

Hello, I'm sorry for your loss. I can't say I feel your father's death, but I understand how painful it is. We still need to look at the death of our father objectively.

First of all, your father is a patient with advanced heart failure. To be frank, his condition is at risk of sudden death at any time. He has also been in emergency care recently. I guess his ejection fraction is unlikely to be full 30, and the doctor will issue a critical illness notice if it is lower than 40. You can see how dangerous this disease is.

Second, we're all susceptible to habits in stressful and chaotic situations. Your father has been going to the tertiary hospital near his home for a long time, and your brain has already become conditioned. So, the mistake you made was just an empirical mistake, not intentional. I believe you want your father to survive every emergency safely more than anyone else, so you should not be too hard on yourself.

On the other hand, even if you remembered what the doctor told you before—that they aren't equipped to provide emergency care for heart failure patients—and you had your mother go directly to another tertiary hospital with the right conditions from the beginning, there's no guarantee of a 100% success rate. The ultimate treatment for heart failure patients is heart transplantation. Not to mention the cost of organ transplants, it's even more difficult to wait in line for a suitable heart than to win the lottery. So there are many things that are out of your control.

Finally, I want to say that young couples grow old together. It's understandable that you feel remorseful, but the fact is, no one can bring back the dead. Your mother has lost her companion in her old age and still needs you to be her spiritual support and caregiver. If you grieve excessively and blame yourself, what about your mother? The only thing you can do now is to take care of yourself, your family, and your father's partner for him, so that he can go with peace of mind.

If you let yourself get stuck in a state of traumatic stress because of your sadness and remorse, what about your mother? Facing death correctly is also the most important lifelong development topic in our developmental psychology.

I hope the person who asked the question can look at their father's passing in a more positive way and let go of any regret.

Hello,

I'm sending you a virtual hug. You regret not handling the transfer of your father to another hospital calmly and not actively cooperating with the treatment. You fought with your father during the treatment and he eventually died, separated from heaven and earth, unable to see him one last time. You feel remorse and self-blame.

The golden rescue time for heart attacks is very short. It can be said to be fleeting. It's understandable that the original hospital came to mind at the time. After all, you've been receiving treatment there for a long time, and it's natural to think of that hospital first.

Regarding the disagreement between you and your father, it was simply an expression of your concern that he would pass away, and you didn't know what to say. Only someone who is seriously ill truly knows the extent of their condition. It wasn't that he wasn't cooperating with the treatment, but that the patient himself felt that there was little hope of recovery. However, the energy involved was too great, and the patient himself gradually lost hope and gave up completely.

Ultimately, what happened was bound to happen, and there wasn't much you could have done differently. You don't have to blame yourself for the last look or the last words.

In a state of resuscitation, with tubes and a ventilator, it's still not possible to express oneself, and it's even more painful.

A dignified and peaceful death is the best tribute to the living and the departed.

Regrets are part of life. We're not here to make up for the deceased's regrets, but to finish what they couldn't.

I think your father would want you to live well, live your own way, and take care of your mother. The rest is up to you. Use this time to complete the things you wanted to do but didn't get to do while you were still able.

It could be like a journey, an artistic skill, or something else from your memories.

Hello colleague:

I just want to say that you've worked hard. I'm sure you were busy and worried for a long time when your father was ill, and you've been sad and grieving for a long time since he died. You've done what children should do.

We can't control when our lives start or end, which can make us feel powerless. But it's because of this that we value the people around us even more, don't you think?

The deceased is no longer with us, and we mourn his loss. However, we must move forward with our lives.

And you can't get past the decision that led to your father leaving.

You were a dutiful child, so this incident wasn't really your doing. You'd always gone to the nearest hospital for medical treatment, so it was your first choice.

When something urgent comes up, people often make the first choice that comes to mind. So, at that time, in the midst of the emergency, you simply didn't have time to think, and you were forced to make the first choice.

If you'd gone to the hospital that was further away instead of the one closer to home, would your dad have made it? Or was it just as likely that he would have died no matter which hospital you went to?

The last argument you had with your father

That argument was the last conversation you ever had with your father. You regret not just doing what he wanted and why you had to leave him in the cold hospital.

But you know what you were thinking. You just wanted your father to get better, so you didn't want him to leave the hospital so soon. This is the kind of filial piety you'd expect from a child!

How can you ignore this and blame yourself? No matter what the reason was at the time, as a child, you just wanted your father to get better and be healthy, so you argued with him.

I think anyone in your position would have made the same choice as you, and I certainly would have. So let it go. Your father understands you, and so does your family. You just need to let it go.

It's time to say goodbye to your father. He would want you to be happy.

Not being able to say goodbye to your father in person could end up being the regret of your life. Why not write a letter to him? You can write down everything you couldn't say in time and your deep thoughts for him. He'll definitely receive it.

Your father would want you to live a healthy, safe, and happy life. Please fulfill his last wish. Let yourself and your family move on from the grief. The deceased is gone and cannot be changed. Cherish the people around you and yourself.

I'm sure your father will be watching over you from afar.

The world and I love you – let's do this!

Hello, questioner!

Birth, aging, sickness, and death are natural laws that we all have to face. No matter how high-tech it is, it is still vulnerable to these natural laws.

So, when it comes to life and death, blaming your father's death on your wrong choice is a result of your over-trust in technology.

When your father had his last attack, your mother asked which hospital to go to, and you subconsciously chose the nearest tertiary hospital. It wasn't that you didn't want to save your father, but that you wanted to save him too much. Why do I say that?

1. The first five or six times your father was treated at this hospital, the doctor said he shouldn't come back without emergency equipment. But your father was saved at this hospital before, so maybe he could be saved this time too. You know that time is of the essence with heart failure, so it makes sense that you'd choose the nearest hospital. Everyone would make the same choice, calm or not.

You also ignored the doctor's advice to bring emergency equipment next time. The doctor was trying to tell you that your father's heart failure was getting worse. If he had another attack, even with emergency equipment, there would be nothing that could be done.

Heart failure is an expensive disease to treat unless it's replaced by surgery. Not every family can afford that. So, there were arguments between you and your father. He didn't want to be hospitalized because he didn't want to waste money.

So, your suffering and self-blame come from a deep sense of helplessness and powerlessness. Why aren't you incredibly rich?

It wasn't your choice to let your father die.

Sometimes it takes courage to face reality. There are some heights that we can't reach, and we can only think about them as ideas that come and go.

It's time to face reality, accept yourself, admit your shortcomings, focus on the present, cherish the people around you, and spend more time with your mother.

I'm here to guide you, and I love you, the world and I love you.

Dear question asker,

I extend my sympathies to you in this difficult time.

During this period, you have endured a considerable degree of distress and pressure. The death of your father was already a profoundly painful experience, and you continue to experience feelings of self-blame, guilt, and regret for not taking him to a more suitable hospital in a timely manner for treatment.

The subject continues to experience distress as a result of the decision that was made, which resulted in the loss of an opportunity for the father to receive treatment. Additionally, the subject is still grappling with the advice provided by the attending physician at the time of the father's hospitalization, which included the statement, "They don't have emergency equipment here, so don't come here again in the future." This advice was not followed, which ultimately resulted in the father not receiving the optimal level of care.

The processes of birth, aging, illness, and death are natural laws. Furthermore, the illness from which my father is suffering is serious. Patients with heart failure face the threat of death at any time, and even the best hospital care is sometimes limited. This is a fact that I must acknowledge. My father has already undergone five or six resuscitation attempts, which indicates the seriousness of his condition. In fact, each emergency resuscitation is treating the symptoms but not the root cause. Additionally, my father is experiencing a significant amount of pain, which is negatively affecting his quality of life.

From a rational perspective, the passing of the individual in question may be perceived as a form of relief, as it eliminates the necessity to endure the affliction of the disease. This is a perspective that merits consideration.

Indeed, the immediate concern is the emotional well-being of the family, particularly the physical and mental health of the mother. It is likely that the mother will experience a greater degree of distress as a result of the father's passing, given that young couples tend to grow old together. The father's departure has left the mother in a situation of loneliness, isolation, and a lack of emotional support, which may compound her difficulties in the future. It is therefore crucial for the daughter to provide additional care and support to her mother, helping her to cope with her grief and to adjust to the loss of her husband.

It is understandable that you are experiencing a multitude of emotions at this time. It is crucial to acknowledge and process these emotions in order to effectively care for your mother. As previously stated, the death of your father was influenced by numerous objective factors, and your actions or the way you handled the situation did not contribute to it. It is possible that you hold the belief that your actions were the cause of your father's death and subconsciously hope that he could have spent more time with you. This belief, along with the associated feelings of blame and guilt, may be used as a means of coping with the pain of your father's death.

Furthermore, you stated that prior to that, your father was discharged from the hospital prematurely due to his condition not yet being fully treated. This resulted in a significant conflict between you and your father. You expressed regret for not having the opportunity to apologize to him. I empathize with your situation. It is understandable to experience such a profound sense of regret. However, it is important to recognize that you are not solely responsible for the circumstances that led to this conflict. You also had a disagreement with your father because you wanted him to fully recover for his own well-being. You are now regretting not communicating with him effectively. I believe your father understands your motivations and would not hold you responsible for the recent disagreement.

It is reasonable to conclude that no parent desires anything other than the best for their child. It is therefore unlikely that your father's spirit in heaven would wish to see you enduring significant pain and hardship.

In the days to come, it is recommended that you engage in activities that bring you joy, spend time with your mother, and communicate with your father in your heart, sharing your thoughts with him. Alternatively, you may choose to write a letter to him and express your apologies when you visit the grave next. It is anticipated that these emotions will gradually dissipate.

I extend my sincerest hope for your speedy recovery.

I extend my love and best wishes to you and the world at large.

Hello, I'm Xing Ying, a licensed psychotherapist.

It's been almost a month since May 30th. I know it's been a tough time for you.

I sat at my computer, unsure of what to say to make you feel better. There's no easy solution to this kind of grief.

I know you don't want your father to leave, so you think:

If I'd been able to remember what the doctor at the nearby hospital told me, I could have sent him straight to another hospital and he'd have been fine.

I know you don't think your dad is going to leave, and you're hoping he'll get better. You also want him to enjoy being with you for a little longer, which is why you

His illness wasn't completely cured, so he had to be discharged. I had a big fight with him over it.

I know you want to be able to say goodbye to your father in peace, even when he's gone.

He just wants to go home, not to the cold hospital!

I know how sad you are, how reluctant you are to accept what's happened, and how much you grieve. Your father knew how much you loved him and couldn't bear to see him go.

Before he got sick, he was treated in the emergency department of the nearby tertiary hospital and had been resuscitated 5.6 times.

You tried to resuscitate your father 5.6 times. You did your best each time to save his life!

You know the situation with your father, but you're not ready to admit it. As an ordinary child, how many times could you have saved your father from death?

There are some things that are ultimately out of our control.

But you don't want to accept this fact, you don't want to admit it! That's why you keep thinking: if I'd done something else, could I have saved my father?

I've been blaming myself for this!

Your mind is filled with regret! There's no way you can apologize.

You blame yourself for everything, beating yourself up and regretting it as if this way your father would not have left. In fact, it really wasn't your fault. There's a term in psychology called survivor's guilt.

Most people feel this way after the death of a loved one. They regret that they didn't do enough, that if they had done more, they might have been able to save their loved one's life. Even if this is not the case, they will desperately want to believe so.

As the old saying goes, you should give yourself three years to mourn the loss of a loved one. Apart from the cultural expectations around filial piety, this is also to allow enough time for people to grieve and to gradually move on from the sadness.

You didn't get to say your goodbyes to your father and tell him you loved him. Would he have wanted you to say those words?

Or is there something else you haven't had a chance to tell your father?

Find a quiet spot that your father liked and sit down. Let it all out, share your sadness with him, tell him what you haven't had time to tell him or write it down, and say goodbye.

Our abilities are limited, our lives are limited, but love is infinite! You're sad because you love him, and you blame yourself.

Even though your father is no longer with you, his love has still been a part of your life, helping you through the good times and the bad. Let your tears help you move on from your sadness and remember all the good times you had with him.

I just wanted to say that I love you, and I think the world loves you too!

Hello! I can imagine that losing your father a month ago has been a difficult experience, and that you may feel a sense of responsibility for his death. It's understandable that feelings of remorse, guilt, and sadness can be challenging to manage, and that they might prevent you from moving on.

I can sense your desire to go back in time, to have been there for your father more consistently, and to have avoided the disagreements that have caused you such distress. It was undoubtedly challenging...

Perhaps it would be helpful to try seeing yourself as a stranger for a while. If you could imagine seeing the grief-stricken and remorseful you, would you be able to shake his hand, pat his shoulder, and give him a hug?

☘️Could the complex emotions that are difficult to let go be expressed in a way that allows them to be acknowledged and processed?

It is understandable that a son or daughter might feel a sense of sadness when their father passes away. With time, it is possible to gradually learn to accept and adjust to life without your father. After all, life has an inherent cycle. However, your deep self-blame might make it more challenging to fully let go of these feelings.

If this self-blame could speak, what do you think it would say?

I wish I could have done more to keep my father with me, but I couldn't. I wish I could have been more available to help him get medical help in time.

In this kind of language, could it be perceived as a filial person who has a deep love for your father, a deep sense of responsibility for the family, and is obedient to your parents? It's possible that this is why you selectively filter out the effective efforts you have made and remember your shortcomings.

⭐️ Grief and self-blame both stem from the love felt in this family and from the love you are willing to give to your father and family. You have done a commendable job, and what you may have missed may not be a mistake.

☘️If you were to let go of all emotions and return to the real world, how would you think about your father's illness and life?

I understand that you may have held on to many things that you are now having trouble letting go of. It's natural to feel this way, and it's understandable that you're struggling to come to terms with these emotions. However, if we take a moment to look at your father's illness and life from an objective perspective, it's important to consider whether doing everything right would have guaranteed his survival.

Could I ask you to clarify what you mean by your father, who was not getting better, wanting to go back home and you, who were so filial, having to argue with him? I'm trying to understand whether there was a hidden fear that he wouldn't want to say goodbye in a cold hospital.

It may be that the separation was destined from the beginning and that no amount of effort on your part could have changed it. Perhaps you were aware of this too. It just came about in such a way that you feel regret that you didn't get to finish things on a good note. However, your father had to go on his journey alone in the end.

It is inevitable that everyone will eventually say goodbye to this world. Even if it is a loved one, it is important to accept the truth.

☘️ If you were my father and had unfinished business in this world, what do you think you would say?

Given the close relationship you have with your family and the love you have for each other, I can only imagine that my father would have felt similarly. If your father could say something to you when he leaves this world, what do you think he would say?

My dear child, I am not sorry that we loved each other. Please take care of your mother and your family, and enjoy your life for me.

I wonder if it will be like this.

I believe that when my father said goodbye to this world, he would not have said, "You are unfilial!" I think it would be possible to find many details from the past to prove this.

I believe you did.

It would be beneficial to allow yourself a period of mourning. It is important to acknowledge that every bereavement deserves a serious period of mourning.

It might be a good idea to wear the clothes you think are appropriate, in the places you think are appropriate. For example, you might like to wear them in front of your father's portrait, by your father's grave, or in short, wherever you think is appropriate.

Could I ask for your advice on what items might be appropriate to take with me? I'm thinking of things that only you and my father have touched, gifts that I didn't have time to give to him, and so on. What do you think?

It might be helpful to talk to your father and say all the things you wanted to say but never got around to saying, or things you were too shy to say for various reasons. You might find it beneficial to make up for it and say goodbye to your father.

In this life, it is important to acknowledge that you and your father only have this one opportunity to say goodbye.

It might be helpful to write all your grief in a letter and leave it for your father.

A period of mourning can be a helpful way to conclude your relationship with your father. Going forward, if he comes to mind, it will likely be because he wants to know how you are doing and if you are happy.

It is important to remember that while separation is a natural part of life, anxiety is not. Even though people may leave our lives, the warmth and love they bring is something that will always remain.

I would like to express my love for the world and for you.