My father is mean to my family and beats my mother. Help me, I'm being swallowed up by my family of origin.

Hello, I'm Lanxin! From your story, it seems like your grandmother's unique personality may have influenced your father's behavior. It's unfortunate that your father was abusive to your mother and didn't acknowledge you as his daughter. But on the bright side, your father was a great guy outside the home! He was kind and helpful to others. It's fascinating how two people can have such different personalities.

Facing such a family of origin is also a challenge for you, but you're up for it! You see the good in your family of origin, and you're ready to embrace it.

Today, I want to talk to you about something different. I want to talk to you about your future life!

Everyone is influenced by their family of origin. You are a girl who is eager to change, who works hard, and struggles to pass the exams. What an amazing effort you've put in! I suspect you are trying to change your fate and break away from the negative patterns of your family of origin.

You are looking for a new way out, a way out that is yours and yours alone!

1. You are so impressive! You were able to study hard, which shows that you are a girl with learning ability, who is willing to work hard and achieve her dreams. I want to ask you, how did you manage to be so determined in such an environment? What is the force that keeps you going?

2. Have you had a chance to chat with your mom about why she hasn't left and is still living in this environment? I'm sure she has her reasons! What is she persevering for?

3. I'd love to know what you hope your future life will be like! And what kind of partner do you hope to find?

Just think for a moment about what kind of mother you want to be. What do you want your family to bring your children?

4. You are in control of your own destiny! You are such a good girl, so motivated and hardworking. What strength will you draw upon to establish a sense of boundaries with your family of origin? And what strength will you call upon to not despair?

What can you do about it? The possibilities are endless!

5. Our family of origin is our starting point and will affect us, but it is not the end! You have the power to end the influence of the past on you. You can choose to be influenced or not. You can choose to change yourself through your own abilities. I trust in you!

Hello, I'm Liang Qingyou.

You repeatedly mention money in your description of the problem. Your father went out of his way to please others and gave them a lot of money. He was mean to the family. To get rid of his obligation to support you, he even told everyone you were not his daughter when you were in college. After running away from home, he finally agreed to buy a car. His friend came to him from a place with an epidemic for help. He took a lot of money again, even though the family was still paying the car loan.

Your father has complete control over the family finances, leaving you and your mother with no money and no status. When you need money, you have no choice but to rely on him and do what he says.

He hit your mother. You and your mother ran away from home. Then your father used money to win you over, to soothe the wounds of you and your mother, and even tried to buy your dignity. After a few days of peace, there was more violence, more running away, more money to keep the peace, and the cycle continued.

Your father was violent towards your mother, and you were always under the threat of violence. You should report this to the police.

The police should have taken your statement. How serious were the injuries?

You should have gone to the hospital to have your injuries examined. You also needed a forensic medical examination.

You said you and your mother ran away from home to make your father compromise. Did you let him write a letter of repentance after he did?

A written apology is indisputable evidence that he personally admits to the assault and can be used as evidence in court.

Your father would rather give away the family's money to please outsiders than support you. He puts their interests above yours.

He knows that if he beats up or verbally abuses outsiders, they will leave him and hurt him. He may even get beaten back. Outside, he needs to consider whether his words and actions will offend people and threaten his interests.

You only take off your mask when you get home, and you lash out at your family with harsh words and fists. It doesn't matter how he argues with his loved ones, they will always remain his loved ones, and they are safe. Your father is very good at judging people.

You also said that talking to him nicely never works and that the only way to solve it is to have another heart-wrenching fight and then leave home.

I don't understand the above sentence. The expression "fight again" is different from the previous one. "Fight" means to fight, and "domestic violence" means being beaten. Is the mother the victim?

If you hit me, I'll hit you back. When two people fight, it's a whole different story.

I need to know what I should do.

She needs to get out there and start earning money to support herself, whether or not she gets into graduate school. Being able to support herself is the best thing she can do for her mother.

Good evening,

My name is Kelly from Xin Tan.

After reviewing your inquiry, I empathize with your situation. Let's collaborate to identify solutions.

[Father is abusive towards family and perpetrates domestic violence against mother, almost completely subsumed by the original family]

Given the abusive behavior observed between the father and mother, I am concerned about the potential impact on the family dynamics. Despite the challenging circumstances, it is commendable that the mother chose to remain in the family. It would be valuable to understand if there is still some level of affection between the two.

I can see the anxiety and unease in the questioner, and I offer my support in the form of a hug. I can also see your helplessness and anger.

[Father's family of origin]

The questioner provided a comprehensive account of the father's upbringing in an impoverished, divorced family. The father's grandmother exhibited a peculiar personality, communicating and behaving in a highly self-centered and disagreeable manner. This exposure to such a family environment likely influenced the father's own personality traits.

The questioner is highly observant, noting some of the issues with the grandmother and the impact of the family environment on the father's upbringing. It is likely that he experienced significant challenges throughout his life. A person's upbringing and family environment can have a lasting impact.

The questioner maintains an objective and relatively rational perspective from the standpoint of an external observer.

It is important to note that while parents and the original family have a certain influence, they can also be changed. For example, in one's own married family, the relationship between husband and wife also influences each other. Human behavior and personality are very complex and can also be cause and effect of each other.

[Father's psychological counseling: He provided incomplete and evasive responses and was uncooperative]

The father is amenable to counseling and has expressed a desire to change. However, he may lack the requisite skills to effectively communicate his needs and desires. For instance, his grandmother exhibited a peculiar personality and was self-centered in her words and actions. It is plausible that the father did not learn effective communication skills during his upbringing. A family is a system that influences each member, and it is possible that the father unknowingly adopted some of his grandmother's behaviors and communication patterns.

The questioner has identified the issue and is in a position to assist the father by offering guidance, affirming his commitment to change, and demonstrating patience. This approach encourages the father to seek advice, explore his own perspective, and pursue personal growth.

The questioner stated that the father goes to great lengths to satisfy the needs of others, even intervening in their affairs and providing substantial financial assistance. He offers help when asked but rarely requests anything in return.

It appears that the father has a personality that is generally perceived as agreeable. It is possible that he has adopted certain behaviors from his grandmother's parenting style or that he has been modeling behavior to please his parents since childhood. Regardless, he continues to interact with this habit even though he is now a father.

It is reasonable to assume that:

Does the father lack self-awareness?

Or is he unaware of his true self and has he repressed his emotions to a significant extent?

Is the pursuit of satisfaction and narcissism through the act of pleasing others a viable hypothesis?

The questioner has the opportunity to engage in dialogue with his father. You and your mother can also provide encouragement, address his narcissistic tendencies, elevate his status within the family unit, offer affirmation, and foster a sense of belonging at home.

It is probable that he will satisfy and meet the needs of the individual in question.

The questioner may wish to attempt this course of action.

He is unkind to his family. To avoid supporting me, he did not inform you of the false claim that you are not his daughter until you started college.

If this information is accurate, it would be beneficial to examine the psychology behind the father's actions.

I believe that my father's behavior can be described as childish.

Does this behavior seem like that of a child shirking responsibilities?

Is he attempting to justify his own perceived shortcomings?

Please clarify how the questioner knows that the father said you are not his daughter.

Please confirm whether you heard this information directly from the source.

Or was it because she was concerned about the potential impact of her actions on your future and felt that her behavior had caused you embarrassment?

Did he attempt to maintain a certain distance from you in other ways?

Please describe the nature of your relationship with your mother. Was this statement made in an angry context?

Was there a possibility that he was jealous of the relationship you had with your mother?

Please note that the following are all assumptions on my part. Should any of them prove to be incorrect, I will accept full responsibility.

From an early age, my father was prone to abusive behavior towards my mother, often resorting to sudden physical assaults. Each time, my mother could only temporarily extricate herself from the situation by leaving the family home with me in tow.

In light of the above, I am curious to know:

1. Could you please elaborate on why your mother did not pursue a divorce?

2. What factors influenced her decision to remain in the relationship with her father?

3. Could you please provide some background on how your parents met? Was it through an introduction or did they fall in love?

4. Request a discussion with your mother regarding the factors that influenced her decision to forgive your father after he assaulted her.

5: Is it possible for your family to discuss domestic violence?

6. Please confirm whether domestic violence is still occurring.

There are approximately 30 days remaining until the postgraduate entrance exam. Last summer, I nearly did not study for it for the same reason.

From my perspective, the questioner appears to be influenced by both parents. However, I am encouraged by the fact that he is a driven individual with clear goals and a determination to take the postgraduate entrance exam for a second time.

1. The questioner is able to focus on his studies and pursue his desired lifestyle independently after passing the postgraduate entrance exam.

2. Despite ongoing conflict and instances of domestic violence, the parents remain together. The questioner can trust his mother and will be able to navigate the marital relationship.

3: Learn to set boundaries. If the questioner has the ability, and the father has always been like this, and the questioner has tried to live their life well, there is a possibility that the father may also slowly change.

4. I am unaware of the typical interactions between the mother and father.

For instance, allow your mother to select her own objectives and, in the event that she elects to remain in the same residence as your father, how should they conduct themselves going forward?

The roles of mother and father are to be regarded as equal, with the child occupying the position of the family's primary income earner.

5: Please describe any positive attributes you have observed in your father since you were young.

[Parents' Views on Money and Right to Control]

1: My father's associate visited him from an area affected by an epidemic and requested financial assistance, which was provided despite the family's ongoing car loan repayment.

Please identify who is responsible for generating income within the family unit.

Please indicate who was responsible for financing your education.

Please clarify whether the parents in the family earn money together or if the mother earns money alone.

If the father also has the ability to earn money, does he believe he should have control over it?

If your mother is capable of earning her own income, you may wish to discuss with her how to make a good family financial plan.

For instance, it would be prudent to set aside a portion of your income for educational expenses, thereby providing your mother with the means to safeguard her own financial future.

The only viable solution is to engage in another emotionally charged confrontation and subsequently depart from the family residence.

1. It is recommended that the questioner maintain clear and professional boundaries.

2. Would your father's anger be exacerbated if you were to remain with your mother?

This may be causing your father to feel isolated, particularly given the close relationship between you and your mother. Could this affect their marriage?

3. Given the triangular relationship in your family, it appears that you and your mother are more closely connected and have run away from home together, which may cause your father to become angry.

Does this also affect his emotional state, sense of insecurity, and even lead to feelings of anger towards you?

As previously stated, he denies that you are his child.

Please clarify whether there is a connection.

He believes that you do not love him. Is it accurate to say that you love your mother more?

4: It is important to empathize with the questioner's emotional distress and acknowledge the impact of parental relationships on one's own emotions.

You are keen to safeguard your mother's interests and are reluctant to engage with your father's emotional input.

5: If you wish to engage in a dispute, it is a matter for your parents to resolve. It is not advisable for the questioner to become involved in their conflicts, as this may exacerbate the situation.

There is a discrepancy in perception between mother and father regarding the nature of their relationship. While mother views daughter as a partner in the couple, father regards her as the alliance's wife. This discrepancy may lead to a lack of self-esteem in father.

6: Despite your frustration at your father's willingness to extend credit to others, you recognize his benevolence. It's plausible that he has also benefited from the assistance of others.

Please clarify whether the father is employed or self-employed.

7: Grandma's problems are for Dad to address. By observing Dad's growth and development, you may gain insight and empathy.

Every family has different problems, and problems always present themselves in different ways. It is important to have confidence in your own abilities. After graduating from university or postgraduate school, the questioner will have a new life, and in the future they will meet their own loved one. It is advisable to leave their parents' problems to their parents.

Your life will commence a new phase.

As you mature, your perspective on your parents' relationship may evolve. It is important to live your own life and be your own independent self.

It is not uncommon for couples to engage in conflict, yet still maintain a profound level of affection for one another.

This is their mode of interaction, and it may be a matter for parents to resolve and address independently.

In the coming days, the question asker will be focusing on his studies, and I hope everything goes well for you.

Best wishes for a happy and prosperous new year.

I would like to extend my best wishes to you and the world.

I'm so excited to answer your question! My experience is somewhat similar to yours.

I really hope this helps!

I'm so happy you're asking for help on this platform! Thank you! It's so great to see you still have trust in the world. That's really important!

My father is mean to my family and beats my mother. I'm here to help! You may feel a range of intense emotions, including helplessness, pain, confusion, anxiety, sadness, anger, and frustration.

You may feel that your father has had a great influence on you, and that it is impossible for you to concentrate on your revision. But you can do it!

Last summer, I almost didn't revise for the exams for the same reason. I'm not quite sure what caused you not to revise, but I'm excited to find out! Was it because you ran away from home?

I also saw that you could make your father compromise by running away from home, which seemed to work very well for you! You wanted to use this method to make your father change, and you really wanted him to change. For example, you wanted him to stop giving money to outsiders, to stop being so enthusiastic with outsiders, and to be so enthusiastic with your family.

Let me tell you about my experience. I have always hated the term "original family" because it reveals my inner wounds without telling me what to do. It's like a doctor telling you that you are sick but not giving you treatment—it's time for a change!

At the same time, I also had an excuse: it was all my dysfunctional family that had ruined me. Armed with this excuse, I went on to complain about my parents and hate them. If it wasn't for them, I could have led a good life. It made me shut myself away for a long, long time. But then I realized something amazing! We can't seem to change anyone but ourselves. So I will actively study psychology to make progress and understand why I turned out the way I did. And I'm so excited to see what I'll discover!

A while back, I had a great conversation with my mom on the phone. I told her that I would really love to hear an apology from her. My mom is such an open-minded person. She's even studying family education! She was really quick to say, "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

Then I cried! I said, "It's okay!"

It's okay! You're still my mom, and I'm still your son.

I really think some kind of reconciliation is in the cards here!

I really want to say that our parents are not perfect, they can be really bad, but they are still our parents. And you know what? That's okay! The best thing you can do is focus on changing yourself.

Finally, let me teach you some amazing methods that I have recently learned. When you reject something, tell yourself, "I allow XXXX."

It will feel so much better!

And the absolute best part of giving yourself permission is that when you do something wrong, you can still be loved and accepted as a person!

Hello, my dear friend. I'll give you a 360-degree hug.

It's so sad to see how your father's family has influenced him. It's like a vicious cycle. He tries to please others, which is understandable, but unfortunately, it leads him to be mean to his family and children. It's heartbreaking to see how he treats his wife and children. You and your mother have tried to escape this situation by running away from home. But it seems like your father is always able to find a way to compromise, only for things to eventually spiral back to the same old patterns. It's a vicious cycle, and it's so hard to break.

Have you ever thought that this cycle might actually be a conspiracy between your family members, and that you are all working together to keep it going?

You mentioned that last time you ran away from home, you finally got him to agree to buy a car. It seems like your father wasn't keen on buying a car, and then you and your mother decided to run away from home. Eventually, your father gave in and agreed to buy a car, and you and your mother came back. This cycle seems to be complete.

Let's not talk about the father's original family. It's clear that his family has a big impact on who he is and how he interacts with others. Let's focus on the core family of the three of you.

From what you've told me, it seems like you and your family are caught in a cycle. You mentioned that the last time you ran away from home, you finally got your father to agree to buy a car. It's like you're trying to maintain a balance between domestic violence, running away, compromise, a short period of calm, and then back to domestic violence.

...

Such a cycle, isn't it?

You mentioned that last time you ran away from home and finally got him to agree to buy a car, and you lectured him for never listening. I'm wondering if it's possible that you first wanted your father to buy a car, but he refused, so you brought up this cycle again?

Why did you use it? Because it worked! You left home, and your father gave in.

So, you can even use the act of domestic violence as a tool to achieve your goals!

It's possible that you're influencing your father's behavior by showing weakness and being subjected to domestic violence. It seems like you and your mother are the more authoritative and in control in this family. Of course, the father's own character and behavior are also to blame.

This cycle model works really well for you, and you've been using it for many years without a hitch. Of course, this has also come at a great cost to you, but in relative terms, your gains are greater and more numerous.

From an economic point of view, there's a game of interests behind the choices we make. When the benefits outweigh the costs, we'll do it!

Simply put, you benefit from the family relationship and from the injury. To break this cycle, you just need to change the factors that affect the cycle process.

Let's say you want your dad to buy a car. You could try talking to him in a calm, rational way. It's okay if he says no, but don't lose your cool.

Or you could try not making demands on your father and accepting that he might not meet your expectations.

Or you could choose another solution after domestic violence, instead of leaving home.

In other words, you can choose different ways of dealing with the situation in this closed loop.

I really think the best thing for the family would be to go for family therapy. The great thing about family therapy is that it doesn't require everyone to be present. So, if your father doesn't want to go, you and your mum can go together at the beginning and have a lovely, inspiring chat with the counsellor.

I'm a psychological counselor who is often feeling down and sometimes feeling up, but I love you, world!

It is unacceptable for domestic violence to occur. This kind of violence can have a serious impact on our daily lives, and it is clear that your father is in a very bad state.

He is undoubtedly difficult to understand and bear. Your father's various acts of domestic violence are unbearable.

This will affect a person's character and life direction. You and your mother have lived in this family environment for so long, and it has undoubtedly influenced you. A person who has experienced violence cannot hide it inside or on the surface.

In every aspect, there are shortcomings and weaknesses in character and behavior. If we are always controlled and influenced by our family, then my own life plan will undoubtedly be completely disrupted. If we are always beholden to our fathers, then where is our own power?

Your father has the financial power.

But he may not give you much support, and sometimes the money will drain out and go elsewhere. The key point is that your mother was treated so brutally, but there was no way for her to leave. This is also a very puzzling part. Perhaps your mother paid a high price for the sake of maintaining a complete family.

You must save yourself, make changes, and stop letting your father control you. Become independent and make your own decisions.

Your father and grandmother are clearly selfish. He has not even claimed you as his daughter.

You want to escape the responsibility of raising a child. Such a father is not successful in his role. You still have some plans to go, and you still need to make some adjustments and changes. You still have your own learning and your own future, right? You have to slowly explore these things yourself, and be able to focus your energy where it really belongs.

Running away from home all the time is not a viable solution.

This will affect some aspects of your personal life. If you leave home and the other person doesn't care, you need to seek psychological counseling to adjust your state of mind. I became aware of some of the changes I could make and saw that my destiny is in your hands. Read "The Evolution of the Original Family," "Born This Way: How Family Affects Our Lives," and "The Original Family Survival Guide: How to Escape the Influence of an Abnormal Family Environment."

ZQ?

Hello, I'm Evan.

From what the questioner has said, it seems that the father has never shown love and respect to the questioner or their mother since childhood. In fact, he has even abused their mother. The questioner feels that the father is a selfish person who only cares about his own feelings. He is rude and violent to his family, but he flatters outsiders.

I believe the father's behavior is also influenced by the trauma he experienced in his own family. As a child, the concept of the original family affected the father's behavior. From an early age, the family was divorced, and while longing for affection, he was also afraid of it. His grandmother often ignored his feelings to survive, which caused his father's personality to be distorted. This also led the father to treat the questioner and questioner's mother in this way.

These behaviors are normal to him, and he may sometimes want to correct them himself, but as long as the inner wounds remain untreated, he'll keep repeating the same mistakes. I'd like to give you a little strength by patting you on the shoulder.

Since the question was asked on the platform, I'll also give the questioner some simple advice here:

It's important to identify controlling behavior in your father.

Sometimes the father does some pretty strange things to the questioner, but that doesn't necessarily mean he's a controlling personality. A true controlling parent will control others in a specific way.

These methods can be obvious or subtle. Controlling behavior can range from verbal abuse to physical violence.

If your father shows these signs, it's a good indication that he has a strong desire for control:

He'll criticize you for things like your appearance, your attitude, or the people you care about.

For instance, he might say something like, "If you don't come home right now, don't bother coming home!"

Keep an eye on you or disrespect your privacy. This could mean going through your things in your room or reading your text messages when you're not around.

Take responsibility for your own actions.

The questioner's father is trying to control some of the questioner's behavior, but it's up to the questioner to decide how to respond. Do you let your father control your every word and action?

Or should we face it head-on? To deal with your father's controlling behavior, you need to learn to control your emotions and maintain a respectful attitude at all times. This doesn't mean you're not filial to your father, but it will help you more calmly face some of the controlling behaviors that oppress you.

Practice talking to your father in the mirror, being respectful, and reacting the way you want to in response to his controlling behavior. Practice responding to different scenarios based on how your father might react.

This way, when the time comes, you'll be better prepared to deal with your father.

Look after yourself.

As a parent, the questioner's father has a responsibility to raise you to be a healthy, happy, and upright person, and your goal is also to be a healthy, happy, and upright person. If the questioner is unable to derive happiness from his father, he must carefully consider how to deal with his father and take care of himself as much as possible when conditions permit. After all, we must all live our own lives first.

Of course, if the father is beating the mother, the questioner should also look out for the mother as much as possible. If there is domestic violence, the questioner can choose to call the police or go to the local women's federation for help and coordination.

It's important to accept the reality of the situation.

It's important to accept that you can't change your father. While neither of you can control the other's feelings and thoughts, you can change how you interact with each other. This can also influence how your father interacts with you.

It's not realistic to expect your father to change his personality. Whether and when he changes is up to him. It's challenging to change someone else's mind, especially when they don't think they're in the wrong. If they're not open to change, only they can make that choice.

If you can, try to stay away from your violent father. If you live with him, you can make your room a safe room where you can go to hide from him when he behaves badly.

Take control of the situation and empower yourself.

How do you handle your father's domestic violence? I'm not sure if the questioner has ever considered building his own resilience.

Could it be that the questioner isn't strong enough? If the questioner is strong enough to do everything without the father's help, will the father's controlling behavior be less strong?

If you're dealing with your father's controlling behavior, try to spend as little time as possible with him. Rely on his time, set boundaries for yourself and him, and ask for help from trusted friends if needed. If your father uses certain bad behaviors to control you, just tell him how you feel at the time. You can say something like, "I feel like I don't have any rights as an independent individual."

Or, you could say, "I feel like I haven't grown up yet. I'm not an adult. I'm still a child. I don't have any rights."

It's important to set clear boundaries.

Set clear boundaries with your father and stick to them. Respect each other's boundaries. Agree with your father on your mutual private space and respect each other. If he doesn't respect this boundary, it won't work.

Verbal skills can be useful when problems arise in your relationship with your father. You could say something like, "I respect your boundaries, but sometimes my boundaries are not respected."

How can we make sure our needs are met?

If you're still having trouble making progress with your father, you can get help from a professional psychologist. They can teach you some useful skills for getting along with your father. First, you can report your family situation to the local women's federation. According to the relevant legal provisions, if your father has committed acts that harm you and your mother, you can sue to sever the relationship with your relatives.

However, I don't think it's necessary to go to that extent if it's not really impossible to get along. If it is necessary, please also use the legal weapons to defend your safety.

I hope this helps the person who asked the question.

One thing to keep in mind is that…

Good day. I am a Heart Detective coach. I can see that you are distressed. Your father is unkind to the family, often abuses your mother, and does not acknowledge you as his daughter outside the home. He flatters outsiders and alienates the family. You feel like you are being swallowed up by your original family. I can feel your anger, sadness, grievances, helplessness, and despair. I also sympathize with you and your mother's experiences.

1. Patterns of intimate relationships are shaped by attachment relationships.

You have provided a comprehensive account of your father's actions, character traits, and his family of origin, as well as his personal patterns of interaction in various relationships (including marital and parent-child relationships). You have a deep understanding of your father and it is evident that you have a strong emotional connection with him. You have expressed a genuine desire for him to become a positive role model for his children.

Your father is cordial to outsiders, even going so far as to prioritize the interests of external parties over those of his own family. Conversely, he is hostile toward his beloved daughter, often striking her with sudden violence. Outside the family, he does not acknowledge you as his daughter. It is evident that he is indifferent and detached from his family, struggling to manage the intimacy between himself and those close to him.

As you have indicated, your grandmother's distinctive personality and notable selfishness and disagreeableness may have played a pivotal role in shaping your father's intimate relationships.

Your father's close relationship with his family as an adult is related to the attachment relationship he had with his mother as a child. If your father did not have a secure attachment relationship as a child, it is unlikely that he will be able to form a stable sense of intimacy with you in his marital relationship with your mother or in his parent-child relationship with you. It may be the case that he is filled with fear, disgust, and hatred of intimacy and therefore unable to integrate into an intimate relationship.

2. Your distress is a result of unmet expectations and needs.

It is evident that the only recourse available to you and your mother is to leave the family residence. This may result in a temporary softening of his demeanor, but it is likely to revert to its previous state in the near future.

Your father's long-term disruptive behavior has had a significant impact on you and your mother. This has also affected your postgraduate studies.

It is evident that you have relocated to secure your father's agreement to take out a loan for the purchase of a vehicle. However, you have also observed your closest associate seeking financial assistance. Your father has persisted in accumulating debt to provide as much support as possible to his associate, without consideration for the financial strain on the family or the implications for the family as a whole. This has led to feelings of frustration and disappointment.

You had hoped that your father would consider the family's interests first and become a more contributing member of the family, capable of assuming greater responsibilities.

Your father's actions consistently fell short of your expectations. He consistently treated outsiders more favorably than his own family, and he was unable to alter his behavior, which caused you significant distress.

I'm curious about what motivated your father to accept psychological counseling. Despite his inability to cooperate with the counseling and treatment, his willingness to enter the counseling room represented a kind of change and compromise. However, he may not be able to cooperate with the counseling and treatment to achieve the desired change, as psychological counseling is a voluntary process. Only when an individual is dissatisfied with the status quo and is willing to make changes can they cooperate with psychological counseling to facilitate personal growth.

It may not be apparent to you, but change is a challenging process for your father.

Change is inherently challenging for all parties involved because it often entails a loss of something that is important to us, a part of our lives. This is equally true for your father.

It is worth noting that, at least for the time being, psychological counseling and therapy have not yielded the desired results with your father.

I can see that you have invested a great deal of effort in attempting to influence your father's behaviour. It is evident that you are hoping to improve the situation within your family. You are hoping that your father will be more attentive to the needs of his family and less preoccupied with external matters.

Your distress stems from the inability to alter your father's conduct, and the resulting frustration stems from the discrepancy between your expectations and the reality of the situation.

3. There is a need that cannot be seen behind your father's behavior.

It is important to remember that everyone has their own life issues, and that every action is driven by a need.

If your father is unable to stop pleasing other people, it is likely that there is a need that is very important to him behind all his actions. It is possible that he has gained something very important to him from this behavior.

It is possible that he requires external validation, affirmation, recognition, respect, and love. It is also possible that he derives a sense of existence and purpose from external relationships. When he is alone, and given the dynamics of your relationship with his mother, he is unable to find the sense of existence and belonging he needs.

It is important to recognize that everyone has a fundamental need for love and belonging. If he were to alter his behavior and cease interacting with the outside world in a way that prioritizes the approval of others, it would effectively remove a potential avenue for meeting some of his needs.

Until such time as your father develops more constructive and reasonable new ways to satisfy these needs, he may be reluctant to give up his current pattern of pleasing others.

While your and your mother's departure from the family home may have highlighted some of the father's needs and made him realise the importance of you and your mother to him, and the significant impact your leaving would have on his life, he may have made a temporary compromise.

It is possible that this approach was effective on one or two occasions. However, it is unlikely that your father will be willing to compromise again when he discovers that your primary objective was to force him to concede and that you were not intending to leave him.

Your father's deeply ingrained cognitive and behavioral patterns of meeting his own needs have formed a fixed mindset that is difficult to change.

If your father is not attending counseling voluntarily, it indicates that he is not experiencing negative consequences from his current behavior, does not have a strong desire to change, and is satisfied with the current interpersonal relationship model and the outcomes it produces.

4. Distinguish between issues and adopt a solution-oriented approach to the former, while accepting the latter as is.

As Adler observed, it is essential to distinguish between the issues at hand and to accept that each party is responsible for addressing their own concerns.

It is your expectation that your father will change, and this is your desire. Whether or not your father is willing to change, and whether he has the willingness and ability to change, is outside of your control.

I recommend that you modify the aspects you can modify and accept the aspects you cannot modify. When we are unable to alter the external environment and the outside world, we can modify our attitude and behavior toward the outside world and the external environment.

If modifying your father's behavior is not feasible, you can focus on becoming the best version of yourself. It is important for the questioner to prioritize their own needs and emotions. You are currently preparing for the postgraduate entrance exam and will soon be making life choices. In the future, you will also enter the workforce. It is beneficial to concentrate on your studies and future life planning.

Should your father assault your mother again, you are advised to request assistance from the relevant authorities, family members, or the Women's Federation. It is imperative to take all necessary measures to ensure the safety and protection of your mother.

If your mother is unable to cope with this type of marriage, she will take steps to protect herself or leave your father. This is a personal issue for her.

You mentioned that your father has a history of sudden outbursts of violence against your mother. I recommend that you encourage him to seek a mental health assessment at a local, top-tier psychiatric facility to determine if he is experiencing any psychological issues.

Some out-of-control behaviors may be indicative of underlying psychological issues, which can impact an individual's personality and character. Seeking medical attention promptly can facilitate a better understanding of the psychological state of the individual in question.

It is challenging for the individual to grow up in this kind of family environment and experience significant difficulties. It is my sincere hope that you can overcome the challenges of your original family and live your own life.

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