My husband is ugly, has poor performance, lacks desire, and our marriage has become like living with a roommate. What should I do?

Hi there, I can see you're feeling concerned and distressed.

I understand your concerns. You and your husband have been married for five years, and you have a good relationship and get along well. Although your sex life isn't as satisfying as you'd like, it hasn't affected your relationship. It's just that the plan to have a baby has disrupted the rhythm of your previously balanced life. You can see the challenges of the pregnancy process, so you want to take this opportunity to improve your sex life. I'm happy for you to have this chance to address and meet your sexual needs.

We've done some psychological exploration and shared some psycho-sexual knowledge with you in case it's useful.

[Types of sexual problems]

In your account, you and your husband have normal physiological functions and normal needs, except that you have insufficient sexual interest in your husband, and his libido is not strong. Therefore, you don't have sufficient motivation to solve this problem.

Now that you're motivated, the baby plan is a great way to get started.

Based on the sexual problem classification, you fall under the "sexual interest/libido and arousal disorders" category under "sexual dysfunction."

This is when a woman doesn't respond sexually to sexual activity.

In men, hypoactive sexual desire disorder is when they just don't have any sexual thoughts, fantasies, or desire.

[Potential causes]

There are two reasons for your analysis: 1) your husband isn't good-looking enough; 2) your husband isn't skilled. There may also be some psychological and socio-cultural factors that are psychological defenses, or physiological factors that you've overlooked.

1⃣️ Psychological factors:

Psychodynamic theory says that male sexual dysfunction is related to the Oedipus complex and disturbed object relationships. If a man's Oedipus complex isn't resolved in his early years, he'll associate the object of his attachment with his mother. But there's an ethical and conscious need to suppress this, which creates many obstacles in the sexual process. Female orgasmic dysfunction is explained as being related to jealousy of men.

The cognitive and behavioralist perspective is that past sexual experiences that didn't go well can cause a lot of anxiety about the next sexual encounter, which can affect how well the sexual process goes. It's also affected by some sexual concepts, such as the shame of women having sexual needs...

2⃣️ So, there's this idea out there that's just not true. It's called the "erroneous consensus." It's about human sexual function. It's not the truth at the physiological level. For example:

It's a common misconception that women always have the same sexual desire and always reach orgasm during sex.

It's a common misconception that women with a high sex drive can always be aroused by their partner.

A normal woman has an orgasm during every sexual encounter.

It's a common misconception that women always initiate sex or become wild or unrestrained during sex.

Pregnancy and childbirth can affect a woman's sexual response.

A good woman isn't turned on by pornographic books or movies.

If you can't come quickly and easily, it might be time to reassess.

Men often have the wrong idea.

All touching is somehow related to sex or should lead to sex.

It's often thought that men are always interested in sex and always ready for it.

It's a common misconception that sex is equal to intercourse.

It's important for men to be able to bring their partner to a full orgasm.

It's not always necessary for men to listen to women in the context of sex.

Having an orgasm is an important part of a good sex experience.

Good sex is something that happens naturally, without a lot of planning or communication.

3⃣️ Neurobiology:

We can also look into whether factors like drug use, hormone secretion, neurotransmitter imbalance, and organic damage might be affecting it.

If you need it, you can also get help from a professional sex counselor.

I hope this is helpful for you.

I'm your neighbor, and I appreciate you taking the time to hear me out.

Hello!

I understand how you feel.

You wrote in the title that your husband is ugly and has no sex drive. This implies two things: 1. married life. 2. sex life.

1. Married life

You wrote that you sleep in separate rooms because he snores.

You say your husband is chubby and lovable. In medical terms, snoring is caused by obesity and excess fat in the neck.

The problem is simple. Get your husband to lose weight. It will also improve your relationship.

You don't think your husband is ugly. When someone loses weight, they can look different.

2. Sex life

You wrote in your description: "Apart from appearances, we are both good-looking. We get along and have fun."

"I don't have any sexual desire. When we have sex, I close my eyes and imagine other good-looking guys." This is also a kind of sensory desire. It may be influenced by some movies or magazines, coupled with the fantasy that begins when one partner is unable to be satisfied during sex.

The Hai Sexuality Report for women says that women often miss out on sexual climax, while men always enjoy it.

You wrote that you don't feel sexually attracted to your husband. You even thought about paying for a younger man to experience it. You're afraid that you'll cheat on him. The "Sexuality Report of the Sea" says that 44% of married women like to snuggle up in bed, hug, and talk sweet nothings. This can lead to affection, but not lust.

Your needs show that desire comes from emotion. The chapter on women says that sex and intercourse are about intimacy and love.

Women like sex more because it involves emotions.

You wrote that you satisfy yourself in your room and that your husband is bad at sex. He doesn't know what to do and it's not successful more than 40% of the time. He's not interested in learning.

The Hasexology report says men get pleasure from sex because of physical intimacy, being masculine, and psychological and emotional satisfaction. It also explains what men of different age groups need.

Suggestion:

1. Get your husband to exercise. Sexual activity is physical work for both men and women, and losing weight is good for your husband. You can learn about the dangers of obesity.

2. Your husband may need more guidance to satisfy your sexual needs. Men and women have different orgasms. Men often finish before women even start.

The oceanographic report explains this.

3. Sex is needed in marriage, but more importantly, communication and trust between each other.

This is just a reference.

Hello, question asker!

From what you've told me, it seems like you're a bit confused and have some expectations. You're hoping to find a way to avoid touching the "thunderbolt," but at the same time, you're able to perceive this uncomfortable feeling in yourself and face it bravely.

From what you've told me, you seem like a very genuine person. You've faced some confusion head-on and are looking for ways to move forward. You've taken the initiative to seek a solution, which is a great first step.

Have you ever been in this kind of situation before? I think it's something many people experience at some point in their lives.

We need to adjust ourselves to see what we want. I think you also know that nothing is perfect. And what we're going to explore next is how to mobilize the interaction and attraction between you and your husband. Is that okay with you?

From what you've told me, it seems like you don't dislike your husband. In fact, you seem to admire him a little. It's just that he doesn't care much about sex, and his appearance could be better. Apart from these two points, you seem to be very satisfied with him.

It's possible that when you get married and start living together, you'll have some minor internal conflicts. It's also normal to want the good things in life.

All problems are our resources, and we know how to solve them ourselves. Based on what you've told me and some suggestions I've made, I hope they'll be helpful.

First, I'd suggest paying more attention and clarifying things.

I think it's great that you're coming here to talk and find a solution to your problem. When we encounter a problem, we solve it.

This is a great start. At this point, it's important to become more aware of the underlying needs driving our emotions.

You want your husband to be more proactive, or you want him to be physically

If you're trying to lose weight, you can make a few changes. Think about all this, and I hope it helps. At the same time, we also need to figure out what we really want in our hearts.

As you mentioned, you also discussed a few examples of people who are not suited to living together. We need to focus on our inner needs and recognize our true desires. Once we do that, we can make the necessary adjustments.

Secondly, it's important to adjust your own mindset.

There's a saying in life: "People are envious of each other." Most of us are dissatisfied at times. When we don't get what we want, we want it. When we get it, we know it's good, but we can see its flaws. We feel uncomfortable and even want to lose it.

Basically, we're picking people with our eyes closed. When we really open our eyes and see more of the good in others, we can strengthen their good points and adjust our own state of mind.

This might lead to a different state of mind, which is what life is all about. When our state of mind is adjusted, we'll be more relaxed and happy with whoever we're with.

It's also a good idea to brush up on your communication skills.

If you say that you admire your husband a lot for his work and his profession, but you have problems in your daily life,

We may not communicate that often, and it might even be awkward when we add it all up. So what I really want to tell you is that if we want to change this uncomfortable situation, we have to learn to adjust our communication style.

We all want our partners to meet our needs and meet our expectations. And at this time, we also need to learn to be appropriately spoiled, and we can also guide it slowly. A husband-and-wife relationship is the closest one can get.

If you notice a problem, you can actually adjust it. But you can't expect the person who hasn't checked to adjust it. You were able to come here, so I think you also cherish this part of your husband's relationship. So learn a good communication model. Try to communicate with your husband. Don't just express your emotions and needs. Know a little romance in life, too. Slowly changing can help you find your own rhythm.

And then, it'd be a good idea to exercise more.

Another idea is to try exercising together. It can help your husband lose weight, and it can also help you both relax.

Regular exercise is good for your body and helps you maintain a healthy relationship. It can also help you deal with your emotions.

Finally, don't be afraid to seek help from external resources.

If you're not sure how to handle it, I suggest you talk to a professional counselor. Let him use his skills to figure out what's going on in your mind, adjust your outlook, heal your heart, and help you face your husband more easily. There's a saying that as long as you're in a good place, you can grow old with anyone. So it's still important to focus on our own situation.

Ultimately, I believe it's beneficial to have expectations in life. However, it's crucial to avoid getting caught in an emotional cycle or getting bogged down by life's challenges. Instead, we should tackle problems head-on and find solutions. Strive to live a happy, comfortable life and nurture happier relationships.

To do this, we need to communicate more, express ourselves more, love ourselves more, and see the needs of others and their strengths. This way, we can make things better.

Good afternoon, question owner. I can see that you are currently dissatisfied with your husband's physical and sexual abilities. Because your husband is not particularly attractive and not very good in bed, you feel no desire. Specifically, you don't feel attracted to him because he is not very cute, a bit old-fashioned, and has a beer belly. This may be a relatively difficult point to solve.

Either the other person can make changes to improve their appearance, or you can make changes to reduce your appearance control. Otherwise, it's unlikely you'll be able to improve the quality of your sex life. Apart from sex, your husband actually has quite a few good qualities.

This is also why you chose him to be your husband. If you were to put him on the market, he'd probably be very popular.

Given that he's a stable character with a good career, enjoys cooking and housework, and is highly competent in his profession, the fact that you sleep in separate rooms isn't really a disadvantage.

Since you sleep in separate rooms, you actually have a lot of time alone. You can use this time to think about each other. When you have some desire for each other or want to make a baby, you will find each other more interesting when you meet again.

You also like to hold him, so if he can manage his figure a little, perhaps his sexual charm and tension will improve again. You can tell him all the sexual fantasies you want to see what kind of changes he can make, for example, whether his appearance can be slightly improved.

Could he change his hairstyle or lose a little weight to make his skin look better? Or could he go to the gym to build up some muscle? Or perhaps you could lower your standards a little.

Nobody's perfect, and he's got a lot going for him. But like anyone, he's got a few weaknesses. For instance, if he's so career-minded and has such a good ability to take care of the family, then there are a few other aspects, such as snoring or not having a high appearance value or a good figure. But you can get past that.

Love someone as much as you can. When you love someone, you tend to overlook some of their weaknesses and faults because you want to get to know them better. The same goes for sexual needs: women usually accept the idea of sex because of love.

And your husband's figure can actually be considered attractive in some cases. Some people like this round and cute type, and they like the feeling of being a little plump. Your husband's popularity may be higher than you think.

It's just that you don't care for this type of food. So, you both need to make some changes. You can lower your standards for his appearance and try to diversify your own aesthetic. You can see that this plump figure has a lot of appeal.

Your husband might also benefit from going to the gym or learning some body and facial management skills to improve his appearance and sense of capability. Dressing well can also have a positive impact on his overall appeal. You could also watch romantic movies together to learn techniques to enhance desire and stimulation.

In short, you get along well and have pretty low sex drives. So, when you can both make some changes, it will actually be more harmonious. Just don't make this something too complicated or important. It's more important for the two of you to be able to live together well than anything else. Good luck!

ZQ?

Good day, Jokerev. I appreciate your situation and understand the challenges you're facing.

You have handled the issue of sex in your marriage with great sincerity and reasonableness. This is a very common topic in couples' relationships, and it does not necessarily indicate any problems in your relationship. First of all, your appreciation and love for your husband's various qualities, including his personality, abilities, and dedication to the family, are all important cornerstones for maintaining your marriage.

Regarding your sexual interests, it's important to remember that everyone's trigger for sexual attraction is different. It's also part of human nature to be attracted to handsome men. There is no right or wrong. What's most important is to understand that sexual attraction is not the only criterion for determining the quality of a relationship, especially in married life. Long-term harmony and satisfaction come more from mutual understanding, respect, and communication.

It is possible that your current situation may be due to a lack of coordination between visual stimulation and physiological response. This is something that requires time and self-exploration to adjust to and accept.

It might be helpful to consider that your husband's performance in the bedroom is something you can address together. Sexual education and skills can be improved through learning and practice. It might be beneficial to find an appropriate time to have an in-depth discussion with him in a frank manner that does not hurt his self-esteem, and explore ways to enhance your mutual understanding and pleasure in bed. You may even consider seeking help from a professional therapist.

It might be helpful to consider that sleeping in separate rooms and a lack of physical contact could potentially contribute to sexual disharmony. It may be beneficial to try to create more opportunities to enhance intimacy, such as hugs and kisses before going to bed, and other non-sexual physical contact, to gradually awaken the need for emotional and physical closeness.

It is also worth noting that planning for the arrival of a baby can, understandably, bring some pressure. However, it is important not to let this become a burden. Childbirth is a shared responsibility and choice for both partners. It may therefore be helpful to consider taking relevant courses or consultations together, to learn more about sexual health and pregnancy techniques. This could not only help you to better welcome the new life, but may also inadvertently promote the quality of your sex life.

Every marriage relationship is different and presents its own set of challenges. It is important to find a solution that works for you, while maintaining an open and honest attitude.

Hello. I am a heart exploration coach, and I can tell you with certainty that learning is the treasure of the body.

From your description, it is clear that you are experiencing a range of intense emotions, including helplessness, disappointment, worry, pain, and a sense of being at a loss.

I'm going to give you a few suggestions to think about.

First, understand yourself and accept your current situation. This will ease your mind and help you decide what to do next.

This situation is likely to affect other people just like you. Everyone has a love of beauty and the desire for sex is an instinctive need. Everyone longs for harmonious marital sex, and you two have plans to have a baby. Understand yourself and avoid negative emotions.

You must try to understand yourself and accept your current situation if you want to promote change. It may sound contradictory, but it is the truth: change is based on the permission not to change.

Second, you must assess your own situation rationally. This will help you understand and come to terms with reality.

First, understand that in an intimate relationship, the person who is suffering more and changes first is the one who will ultimately benefit. The fact that you have come here for help shows that you are suffering more, so you need to change first. At the same time, there has always been mutual influence between you, and if you change first, it is possible for him to change.

Second, understand that the status quo can be changed because you can change. You have come here for help, which shows you have taken action to change. See your own abilities and the power of time.

Third, you need to focus on yourself and think about what you can do to feel better and improve your sex life.

For example, you should find an opportunity to talk to your husband and express your true thoughts and feelings. Be careful about the approach, but don't be afraid to speak your mind. You said that your relationship is very good, so I'm sure your husband will listen and respond, and even change, like losing weight, exercising, etc. This will not only be good for your health, but also for your sex life.

Have a good chat with your husband. If you're struggling to have a successful sex life, see a professional doctor. This will help you resolve the problem.

You must give your husband and yourself time to adjust. Change does not happen overnight. If you are having difficulty with physical reasons, you will need to be patient as this will take time to improve.

Use visualization when you can't solve the problem immediately. As you mentioned in your description, visualize your husband as handsome. At the same time, focus on his positive qualities and why you chose him in the first place. This will help you feel more attached to and like him.

You should also have a good chat with trusted friends around you, including a psychological counselor. This process itself can make you feel better because once various negative emotions flow, they have a healing effect. At the same time, they may also give you some understanding, support, and suggestions, which may make you feel better and solve the problem. In short, you can do something to change the situation.

I am confident that my answer will be helpful.

Hello, I'm Evan, a counselor at the Jingli School of Counseling.

From the questioner's description, it's clear that they're experiencing anxiety and inner conflict. The situation they've outlined is not uncommon in marriage, particularly in terms of sexual desire and the quality of sexual life.

Sexual harmony is crucial for a marriage. However, the questioner has expressed disappointment in sex due to the man's appearance, body type, and attitude.

From the questioner's description, it's clear that the questioner has his own needs and expectations for sex. However, it seems that her husband is psychologically resistant to this. In fact, from a sex-split perspective, a man with a relatively large body and more body fat is actually giving his body some characteristics that are closer to those of a woman, such as having thicker fat.

Since the question was asked on a platform, we cannot discuss the question in depth to see what the questioner's resistance to intimacy is and what her needs are, and how her husband views intimacy. However, we can give the questioner some simple advice based on the question she asked:

Be open and honest with your partner about your views and attitude towards sex in your intimate relationship. It is not a problem to have fantasies and needs about your attitude towards sex.

Everyone has the right to decide what's important to them and how much of their body they're willing to explore and share based on their own values and comfort level. The important thing is whether the husband is willing to make appropriate changes to satisfy the wife's pursuit of sex.

The quality of the intimate life of the questioner and her husband depends on more than just frequency. It also depends on satisfaction and intimacy. If the questioner's partner lacks sexual skills, they should consider learning together. This can be done by reading books, watching educational videos, or attending couple sex counseling sessions.

The questioner should try some new ways to increase the fun and excitement of sex. For example, change the environment, time, or method of sex, or try some new sex toys or lubricants.

These new attempts will undoubtedly stimulate the subject's desire and interest in intimate life.

Develop common interests. Apart from your intimate life, cultivate some common interests and hobbies with your husband. These activities will enhance the emotional connection and interaction between you and improve the quality of your intimate life.

Engage in some joint activities, such as fitness, dancing, or yoga. These activities will enhance your physical vitality and intimacy, while also helping you to improve your body shape and health, which will indirectly enhance your sexual attractiveness.

Emotional connection: The questioner should also strengthen the emotional connection with her husband through usual intimate behavior. This can be done by expressing love through hugs, kisses, and petting. These physical contacts will increase intimacy and sometimes arouse sexual desire.

The questioner can even use some health knowledge to tell her husband about the impact of obesity on the body, or the impact on his health and your intimate relationship. This will help you express your concerns while also bringing you closer emotionally.

Self-exploration is key. Understand your body and sexual preferences. Explore your own sexual response through masturbation. This will help you express your needs and preferences in your sex life with your partner. The urge to cheat is not the answer. Look behind it. What expectation is being fulfilled?

Is it about your intimate life, or is it about your pursuit of beauty? Be self-aware.

Change your mindset. Change your perception of your husband's appearance. Appearance is not the only factor that determines the quality of your sex life. Appearance will change over time and with lifestyle changes.

Focus on his other good qualities and traits and cultivate your feelings and sexual desire for him. While pursuing sexual harmony, consider your own personal needs and feelings.

If you have no interest or desire for sex, don't force yourself to do something you don't want to do. Respect your feelings and needs and find a balance that suits you.

Seek professional help. The questioner has his own views and concerns about intimate life. If the questioner feels that he cannot handle the distress,

Seeking professional marriage and sex life counseling is a good option. Professionals can provide personalized advice and guidance.

The author can discuss your feelings and thoughts with these professionals, which will help the author better understand the source of these thoughts, relieve internal conflicts, and find an intimate lifestyle that suits them. Through in-depth self-exploration and reflection, the author will gain a clearer understanding of their attitudes and expectations towards sex and intimacy.

Fertility Plan: The questioner mentioned in the article that you have plans to have children. You must ensure that you are both ready, have expectations for your future sex life, and are ready to welcome a new life. Disharmony in your sex life will affect the process of conceiving and your future family life.

The questioner should consult a doctor or professional for advice if they are worried that sexual problems will affect fertility. They will be able to provide more specific suggestions and guidance.

In intimate relationships, every couple may face different challenges. Sex and love are an integral part of marriage. Problems with a sex life require the joint efforts and solutions of both partners. It is essential to invest time and energy to maintain and enhance it. Once a solution that suits both parties is found, the questioner and their lover can achieve harmony and satisfaction in their sex lives.

I am confident that my answer will be helpful to the questioner.

Hello, question asker!

My close friends and I are all at the same age—just a few years after getting married and having children. I haven't had children yet, but when I talk to my friends, they tell me that they were so excited to get married and have children when they were in their early 30s! They felt like if they didn't do it then, it would be too late.

After giving birth, she often told me how unhappy she was. Her husband, whom she had loved at the time, was now just so-so to her. They hadn't had sex for years, and she said she wanted a divorce but couldn't because of the child. But then something amazing happened! She found herself a new love interest.

People keep telling me it's too late, but I disagree!

I absolutely believe that if you're not 100% sure that you can spend the rest of your life with someone, you shouldn't have children lightly. Having children can become a burden, preventing both spouses from pursuing the life they want.

Who knows—maybe if they do divorce one day, having a child will be a burden for both the child and themselves!

I remember when I was a child, my parents often fought. One time, my mother took me, who was five years old, and planned to leave the house. It wasn't a good life afterwards. My father was a very bad-tempered person, and I grew up in a family that didn't feel very secure. But you know what? I wouldn't change a thing!

Now I think about it, I'm so excited to share that I truly believe that if they had divorced, I would have been better off! If a child doesn't feel enough love in their heart, they will grow up incomplete and unhealthy.

As the saying goes, it is better to encourage a marriage to stay together than to encourage a divorce. I wish you all the best and I am sure you can continue to work things out!

Hello, question asker! Thank you so much for inviting me. I'm June.

From your description, I can really feel the dilemma and guilt of the questioner, and I'm excited to help!

The questioner is incredibly courageous, boldly sharing their marital uncertainty. In fact, their question is quite common: What is a happy marriage?

Is it a match based on practical considerations, or a harmonious sex life? The answer is a thousand times yes!

"I really like him! He's got a great career and personality, he loves cooking and cleaning, and I feel totally at ease with him. I even admire his professional abilities!"

"I've dated a school-boy handsome guy before, and it was a great experience! He was very handsome, but there was more to him than that."

From these two descriptions, I see two completely opposite images of men: one is an unremarkable but down-to-earth and family-oriented "good son-in-law" or "good husband," and the other is a vain "phoenix man" or "soft bread man."

I'd love to know how such a concept formed! Did your parents instill it in you?

Or did your experience tell you?

1. The will of one's parents

Maybe the questioner followed her parents' arrangement and accepted her husband with a bit of a reluctant heart.

However, from the questioner's description of her husband as "emotionally stable," I feel that the questioner may very much need someone to be tolerant and loving. In other words, the questioner may have been pampered by her parents since she was young, so she is relatively unskilled in life and needs someone to take care of her—and that's where the fun begins!

Your husband fits this description perfectly! He has a great job, he loves to cook, and he's great at housework. Marrying him means you can live a carefree life and continue living like a "little princess."

Everyone says that God is fair, and that when he closes a door, he will open a window. Your husband is so good! If he weren't ugly and fat, he would probably have many women around him, and he might have already been taken. So maybe this is the price you have to pay to live a "princess-like" life, and God is using a blindfold so that your husband will be yours alone!

2. Painful experiences

The questioner described having been in a relationship with the "school hunk," but it seems that the relationship was not a good one.

Maybe the school hunk is not gentle and considerate enough, or maybe he is not capable of taking care of you. So you finally come to the conclusion that good looks cannot feed you.

Perhaps this relationship has left you with a lot of pain. But you've got this! You haven't had time to heal your heart, but you met your husband at marriageable age. Your reason tells you to cherish the present, and your emotions will catch up soon!

Therefore, you have the exciting opportunity to learn to love your husband and be devoted to sex!

Your husband may love you too much, and your attitude also frustrates him, so he's looking for ways to improve his performance.

Once you know what the problem is, you can start to find a solution! It would be a great idea for the questioner and her husband to go for family therapy together to get to the heart of the matter.

I'm so excited to help you! The above is for reference only. I wish you happiness!

I am pleased to be able to respond to your query. I hope that my suggestions will prove to be of some assistance.

It is not uncommon for couples to have expectations regarding sexual activity. When considering these expectations, it is helpful to distinguish between two primary categories: physiological and psychological.

Based on the provided description, it is possible that this is a combination of the two.

From a physiological standpoint, it can be observed that both individuals exhibit a tendency towards low sexual desire. This phenomenon is not exclusive to either the husband or the wife, but rather is a commonality that exists between both parties. Consequently, there is a lack of significant discrepancy in sexual needs between the two. It is not the case that one individual possesses markedly stronger sexual desire than the other, and thus, the presence of sexual desire is not a defining factor in the relationship. Instead, it is more accurate to say that the two engage in frequent arguments regarding this matter.

It is therefore important to gain an understanding of both our own thoughts and those of our partner in this regard. We must ask ourselves whether we wish to make improvements in this area. However, it should be noted that this improvement does not refer to preparing for pregnancy, but rather to the frequency or process of sexual life, as well as our feelings and needs.

In the context of our current situation, it is evident that self-awareness has not had a discernible impact on the quality of our relationship. We are concerned about the potential for future challenges, particularly in regard to maintaining a satisfying sexual relationship.

It is possible to inform one's partner of these concerns, given that the relationship is currently functioning well. It is advisable to communicate directly with one's partner when difficulties arise or when there are specific concerns about the future.

Should the partner be able to comprehend the feelings in question and demonstrate a willingness to collaborate in addressing the issue, this would represent an optimal state of affairs.

It is advisable to concentrate on the physiological aspects and to gain insight into sexual behavior. It would be beneficial to identify a method to enhance sexual interest that is compatible with one's preferences. Couples may wish to experiment with different sexual behaviors in order to ascertain which one elicits the greatest level of satisfaction, thereby improving the quality of their sex life.

In this process, it is not necessarily the man who assumes the dominant role; this can be determined based on the circumstances. If the man is less proficient in this area, the woman can assume the dominant role and guide the man through the steps. This allows them to learn and improve together over time. Once the man has gained proficiency, they can switch roles, with the man assuming the dominant role once more.

Secondly, the psychological aspect must be considered.

There are two types of sexual behavior: one is sexual desire, that is, whether there is a psychological need for sex in this area. Some individuals may be inherently less enthusiastic, not as strong, and there is no need to enhance it at this level, as everyone can have different views on various aspects. As long as this level does not affect one's physical health, then weak or strong sexual desire is acceptable.

The second aspect that requires adjustment is the strong sexual desire for the other person's affection. This desire is not solely derived from emotional affection; it is also influenced by factors such as appearance and body shape, which can enhance one's sexual desire.

One might inquire of one's partner as to their willingness to engage in exercise and toning activities alongside one's self. This is a topic that has recently been discussed online. It would be beneficial to attempt to gradually alter one's appearance in order to enhance one's visual experience.

Should this not be achievable within a reasonable timeframe, or should it prove ineffective, the option of engaging in sexual intercourse without the use of lighting remains available.

Furthermore, it is important to acknowledge that during sexual intercourse, individuals may engage in fantasies wherein they imagine their partner to be someone else. This phenomenon is not uncommon and is generally perceived as normal. As long as both partners are comfortable with this and do not wish for their partner to be aware of it, it is unlikely to have any adverse effects on the relationship or the sexual experience itself.

It is my hope that through continued exploration and experimentation, you will be able to identify a more optimal approach to enhancing your marriage, thereby facilitating a more harmonious and fulfilling marital life.

I extend my warmest regards to the world and to you!

Hello, question asker!

From your description, it seems that you are ready to make some exciting changes to your sex life! At the same time, you feel anxious that your unmet sexual desire may affect your marriage. Let's explore this together:

First of all, from your description, it can be seen that apart from the sex life, you are quite satisfied with your husband in other aspects, which is great! Have you two communicated well about the sex life?

Have you tried to work together to find a solution to this problem? There's always a way forward! Has the problem really reached a point where it cannot be solved? Let's find out together!

If not, then give the relationship more patience to work through the problems and solve them! Don't rush to seek external satisfaction. After all, seeking external satisfaction is equivalent to planting a time bomb in the marriage — so let's avoid that!

Nobody's perfect, and that's what makes life exciting! If you miss him, you'll never meet someone who suits you as well again.

Second, from your description, it seems that you place more importance on appearance and body shape, which seems to have a relatively large impact on your sexual desire. Conversely, do you also have problems in this area?

For example, your physical reactions of dissatisfaction and resistance, such as your appearance, figure, or the physical reaction of imagining with your eyes closed, have they given your husband a message that you are not enjoying this kind of sex, that you are reluctant, that you are dissatisfied, and so on, which has exacerbated the sense of disharmony in your sexual experience? Let's explore this together!

You say that you have little contact, that he is not interested in learning, and that he satisfies his needs on his own. It sounds like neither of you is comfortable discussing sexual topics and communicating your feelings and thoughts. But there's no need to worry! Perhaps the other person is not who you think they are.

It's time to talk! Express your desires, expectations, and needs with confidence and clarity. Let's create an atmosphere that will ignite a spark in both of you. Perhaps the other person is shy about speaking up, or they're not aware of how to create an atmosphere together. You can take the lead and guide the way to a more sexually interested atmosphere. Let's make it happen!

One of the two people must take the initiative, boldly take the lead in matters of the couple, and also take the initiative to communicate more. They must always try to solve problems—and they can do it!

I'm so excited to share my views with you! I really hope they're helpful. Best wishes!

After five years of marriage, the couple has had no more than five sexual encounters, which works out to a pitiful two times a year on average. This is well below the minimum number of times that many young couples have sex every week.

It is evident that the frequency of your intimacy is significantly below the standard requirements for adults, and it is even challenging to maintain harmony in your daily life as a couple.

In general, the frequency of sexual intercourse between a couple is not a necessary factor for a harmonious relationship, provided that both parties are comfortable with it.

It is evident that you are dissatisfied with this aspect of your life. The frequency and quality of your sexual experiences have a significant impact on your physical and mental well-being. At one point, you even considered seeking external stimulation.

Sexual intercourse is the pinnacle of love and harmony. When two people are deeply in love, the sexual experience is also the highest level of physical and mental enjoyment for a person.

It can be reasonably concluded that a loving sex life is an expression of love and intimacy. Conversely, a purely physical sexual relationship is merely a means of releasing sexual energy.

As a highly evolved species, humans are very different from animals in terms of sexual behavior. In the animal kingdom, sexual arousal and activity are limited to the mating season.

Adults, however, have such needs at any time of the year, and sex has become a part of life. With the passage of time, many people are no longer reticent about discussing sexual matters. They are more open and flexible in exploring the physical and mental benefits of sexual activity.

From this perspective, your dissatisfaction with your sexual needs and the significant discord in this area with your husband is fully understandable.

As a result of the aforementioned analysis, it has become evident that the unsatisfactory sexual experience you are currently experiencing with your husband is largely attributable to a deficiency in love.

You previously indicated that you have also had a crush on the school hunk. You are aware that being good-looking alone is not sufficient to succeed in life. For various reasons, you believe your husband is a suitable choice for a life partner.

I surmise that the foundation of your relationship with your husband is not as strong as it could be. It seems that you initially chose him because of his excellent qualities and financial stability.

Although you are aware of his positive attributes, there are some aspects of his personality that you find difficult to accept. This discrepancy between your conscious and subconscious perceptions is a significant obstacle to your relationship.

Therefore, it is evident that despite overall satisfaction with life, there is a lack of engagement and even a sense of disgust when it comes to sexual intimacy.

In addition, there seems to be a lack of sufficient skills in terms of sex, coupled with respect for you, they are reluctant to discuss and explore sexual experiences with you.

The issue is that this individual seldom volunteers information regarding his sexual thoughts, and even when he does, the encounter often concludes prematurely due to his sensitivity.

This has undoubtedly affected your perception of sexual intimacy, leading you to prioritize self-satisfaction in the bedroom over initiating sexual signals.

Given that you typically have a positive relationship and only encounter sexual-related challenges, I believe it is still valuable to invest effort into enhancing the situation.

What is the best way to resolve these issues?

The first step is to emancipate the mind.

(1) Liberate yourself. Many women adhere to a traditional mindset that views it as inappropriate for a man to take the initiative during intimate moments, and similarly, for a woman to take the initiative.

This line of thinking must be revised. When a desired outcome is identified, the next step is to take the initiative and request it. This is the first step in the process.

(2) Convince yourself. If you believe that the individual in question is someone you can trust, you must inform yourself that if you desire a more satisfying sexual experience, you must remain with this person.

This necessitates an exploration of his potential.

#02: Improve communication.

As previously stated, the current level of love and affection between you is low. This is largely due to the foundation of your relationship and your ability to love each other.

The renowned emotional scholar Zhao Yongjiu has identified five key abilities that underpin love: emotion control, expression of emotions, empathy, permission, and influence.

One of the key competencies of effective storytelling is the ability to express one's needs in a comprehensive manner.

This is not a simple matter. Many individuals lack proficiency in articulating their thoughts and needs. Consequently, they may inadvertently mislead others, leading them to believe that they are in good spirits and receiving adequate attention.

It is also important to recognise that changing another person is often a challenging task. In order to influence and guide another person to improve, it is essential to take the initiative and drive the change yourself. This approach has been proven to be effective in many cases.

It is therefore advisable to communicate more with your partner and to make them aware of your expectations and concerns.

As an example, if you believe your partner is overweight, you should inform them of your concerns and suggest that they consider making some lifestyle changes to improve their health and fitness.

It is also important to communicate ideas about sex. You can watch educational movies together to learn more about this topic. This will help you navigate the complexities of sex more effectively.

This is the essence of the matter. It is my hope that this information will prove useful to you.

Good morning, Thank you for inviting me to assist you. I am a heart exploration coach. I can help you with your problem of lack of sexual desire for your husband. I can also help you achieve harmonious sex with your husband and complete your plan to have a baby. I will answer your questions.

The questioner appears somewhat helpless and anxious. The couple has been together for five years, and it seems that their sexual needs have always been mediocre. Based on the description provided, the sexual needs of both parties are not particularly high, and they can be met independently. I am curious if the questioner has recently experienced some significant events that have affected you and prompted you to consider addressing and resolving sexual issues.

The questioner indicated that she has a positive regard for her husband and feels secure in his presence. This is likely a significant factor in your decision to marry him. He possesses numerous qualities that you admire and like, and he provides a sense of security and stability. You view him as a suitable partner with whom to live, and he differs from the attractive individuals you have dated previously. You are aware that an individual who can satisfy your physical needs cannot offer you a stable and comfortable life. You are fully cognizant of how your needs can be met.

Has the husband's lack of physical sexual interest started since they met? It seems that you have tried a lot, but it seems that your husband lacks both sexual interest and the willingness to learn to improve his interest. This directly affects the satisfaction of the questioner's sexual needs. Regarding the questioner's dissatisfaction with her sexual needs, have you always suppressed it inside and never expressed it to your lover?

The questioner stated that they sleep in separate beds due to their husband's snoring, which has resulted in a notable decline in intimate behavior between the two. They expressed feelings of embarrassment when it comes to sex. When did this issue first arise? Have you attempted to collaboratively identify solutions to enhance intimacy, and actively implemented changes to improve the situation?

The practice of physical distancing can be traced back to a similar approach at the psychological level. Perception plays a pivotal role in influencing emotions and behaviors. The questioner may have noticed a shift in their feelings towards their husband. Have they lost interest in spending time with him or do they feel less affection towards him than they did before?

His snoring will disrupt your sleep, and while you find his large, rotund face and beer belly endearing, does it also make you feel that he is not athletic or self-disciplined, that he is unattractive, that he is not sexually capable and cannot or does not want to satisfy your sexual needs, and that he makes you feel angry and disappointed?

The questioner has provided a detailed account of the positive attributes of her husband. However, your inner feelings indicate that positive and negative aspects cannot be equated, and that unmet needs remain unfulfilled.

The questioner must address the unmet needs in the couple's relationship. If these needs are important to you and to your marriage, you must consider your own needs and take responsibility for your unmet needs.

The questioner should have an open and honest conversation with their husband about their unmet sexual needs, their dissatisfaction with the decline in intimacy, their expectations of having a baby, and also listen to what constructive suggestions and ideas their husband has. What are his needs for you, and is he willing to do something about your sexual needs? If your husband lacks the knowledge to satisfy you sexually, can you educate your partner on how to satisfy you, because the individual who knows you best is you.

In light of your husband's commendable actions, do you find it challenging to convey your displeasure, frustration, and discontent? Can you express your anger and dissatisfaction to your husband without impediments? If not, what concerns you?

What is your expectation regarding your husband's reaction to your statement, and how do you plan to respond?

It is advisable to resolve issues that arise in a marriage within the marriage itself. Should you become aware of any potential problems, it is recommended that you discuss them with your husband. The most effective way to address these issues is to work together to identify them and resolve them. This will help to improve your sense of security and comfort within the marriage. It is important to note that addressing problems may involve certain risks and feelings of apprehension. However, it is important to recognise that any decision involves a degree of risk, including seeking to meet needs outside of the marriage, which can also be a challenging and risky proposition.

The only way to eliminate anxiety is to confront your fears. The questioner is encouraged to seek the assistance of a professional counselor to facilitate growth and extrication from the predicament.

I hope this information is useful to you. If you require further assistance, you may follow me and select the option to pay for a question or chat with a heart explorer for one-on-one communication. Best regards.

Hello!

If it weren't for the kids, I'm sure you'd be feeling a lot better!

The idea of going through the same old routine in the bedroom and the few times it doesn't go so well can make you feel pretty helpless!

Your partner's appearance isn't something you can change overnight, so it's important to be objective. Maybe you've already let go of this issue. After all, your partner is still great in other ways.

Then there's the issue of core skills. Without improving your skills, this issue will continue to be a problem. Before, you didn't need to deal with routine matters, so you might have had many reasons to put this issue aside for the time being. But now you have to face the reality and deal with it head-on. In fact, this is a skill that both parties need to improve. It doesn't necessarily mean that the other party has to lead you; you can also lead him.

Opening up your mind and your attitude will have twice the effect. Men remain boys until death, and perhaps his exterior is that of an adult, but inside he is still a headstrong teenager.

It's also a bit puzzling that you have physical contact and enjoy his body, but there's a lack of desire. That's something that needs to be addressed, because touch is also the gateway to foreplay. If even the most basic intimate actions don't arouse you, it's frustrating.

If you can still put up with his snoring, it might be best to stick together. You seem to be resistant to the other party in many ways, and it will be even more difficult to sleep in separate rooms.

To sum up, the analysis shows that there are many difficulties. One thing is clear: having children is only part of married life. There are still decades of married life to live. If you don't have the life you deserve, sooner or later there will be problems. Just like your terrible thoughts. You can suppress them now, but what if you do them by mistake one day?