My mother had a cerebral hemorrhage. I was in charge of my mother's life and death. Did I do anything wrong?

Hello!

I am a heart exploration coach, and I can tell you with certainty that learning is the treasure of the body.

From your description, I can tell you are blaming yourself, feeling guilty, helpless, in pain, and confused.

I will not dwell on the distress you feel over the way your mother left. Instead, I will offer you three pieces of advice.

First, you need to understand yourself and accept your current situation.

Doing so will make your heart feel slightly lighter, which will help you think about what to do next.

A month ago, your mother had a cerebral hemorrhage. You called 120. The doctor said that if she underwent surgery, she might not be able to get out of the operating room. The best outcome would be a vegetative state. You were scared. You didn't discuss it with your father because he was seriously ill. You decided to refuse the surgery. A few days later, your mother passed away. You felt relieved, but now you often think of your mother. You are envious and self-blame when you see that the postoperative recovery of those patients is good. You are also in pain. You are in a similar situation. Many children feel that they have not done enough when their parents are sick and hospitalized. They begin to blame themselves. It is normal for you to feel envious and self-blame when you see that the condition of your mother is similar to yours. She has a good recovery after surgery. It is normal for you to feel envious and self-blame because people are competitive. They tend to compare themselves to others in similar situations. There is an optimistic bias. They feel that if they had not made that choice, the outcome would have been better.

You must allow yourself to understand yourself and accept your current state if you want to promote change in the status quo. It may sound contradictory, but that is the case because change is based on allowing for no change.

Secondly, you must view your own state rationally.

Rational thinking helps you understand yourself and reality better.

To take a rational approach, you must do two things:

First, understand that doctors are the authority on medical conditions.

You have to consider what the doctor said at the time. They told you that if your mother had the operation, she would probably not be able to recover from it, and the best outcome would be a vegetative state. This shows that the risk of the operation at the time was very high. You have also considered your financial situation, and there is no way you can afford the cost of a vegetative person. Furthermore, you know that your mother definitely did not want to be a vegetative person. You have not killed your mother's chance of waking up. You have also said that your mother passed away quite comfortably. You have not done anything wrong. Don't blame yourself too much.

Second, understand that you can change the status quo because you are capable of change.

If you still feel self-blame and guilt after understanding the previous point, you must take control. You need to look ahead and slowly get out of the negative emotions you're currently experiencing. Your mother's departure is a fact, and you need to accept it. You need to focus on your own abilities and the power of time. You can live your life well, and that is the best way to honor your mother.

I advise you to focus on yourself and consider how you can improve your situation.

For example, when you feel guilty and self-blame, you can and should tell yourself, "My mother was in a dangerous situation. I made a wise choice. Although I had no choice, I did nothing wrong because the doctor gave an explanation." After you have repeatedly hinted at this to yourself, the feeling of self-blame and guilt will slowly get better, which in turn will make you feel better.

You can also have a good chat with trusted family and friends (including your father) and express your inner self-blame, helplessness, guilt, and pain. This will make you feel better because once negative emotions start flowing, they have a healing effect. They are also likely to give you some understanding, support, and advice, which will make you feel better.

You can also give yourself some time, and then look ahead. Tell yourself, "My mother's death is a fact of life. I need to live on, and I will not keep blaming myself." When you encourage yourself like this many times, it will make you feel better because you will focus on the present and the future. You need to know that you can do something to improve the situation.

Take action and the negative emotions will subside. Action is the enemy of all kinds of negative emotions.

I am confident that my answer is helpful. If you would like to communicate further, simply click "Find a coach to interpret – online conversation" at the bottom, and I will communicate with you one-on-one.

Hello, original poster! It's great to see you're thinking deeply and asking the right questions.

After reading your message, I feel very heavy. You deeply miss and cannot let go of your mother, and you blame and resent yourself. You are uncertain and question your choice. Every emotion is heavy, and every feeling is directed at yourself. Although you did not use many emotional words in your expression, I deeply understand the pain of that sense of destruction behind this kind of bland depression. I can even more deeply appreciate your helplessness and powerlessness, overwhelmed by loss and self-blame, and that suffocating feeling. But, you know what? I also understand the incredible strength you have within you to overcome this. I can see that you are already making progress. You are already moving forward. You are already starting to feel the lightness of being able to let go.

When you want to express your feelings, grab the softest object you can find and hold it close to your heart, as if it were the hug you want to give.

Once you've had that chat with the doctor, I bet it felt like a weight had been lifted off your shoulders! You've got a seriously unwell father at home, and you're surrounded by the lives of families who have been through similar situations. All of this is weighing heavily on your mind, but you've made your decision and you're ready to take on whatever comes next!

If I were in such a situation, I would have already broken down, but you're still here! That's amazing! Dear questioner, you have made a choice within your capabilities, and there is no wrong in that.

You are not alone! Many others have lost a mother, and I'm sure yours would support your choice.

We are human, and that's a good thing! We have the opportunity to experience the full range of emotions that come with being alive. We also have the chance to recognize our own limitations and be kind to ourselves along the way.

And there's more! When faced with the sudden departure of a loved one, we generally go through several exciting psychological stages:

The first stage is acknowledgment. And it's an exciting one! It may take a week or even longer to acknowledge the fact that your mother has left, but it's a big step.

Guess what? The second stage is guilt. We will feel guilty and self-blame, always thinking that we are mainly responsible for our mother's departure.

This stage will make us suffer a lot, but please understand that it is not because of your distance, rebellion, desire for independence, etc. I think you are currently in a stage of guilt and self-blame, which is totally normal!

You can even record or tell your regrets and self-blame over and over again! This regret needs to be repeated and seen by us.

The third stage is nostalgia. We will deeply miss our loved ones and fall into the memories of the past, which is a wonderful thing!

When you miss her, write her a letter and express your love for her by looking at her photos. I'm sure she can feel our deep attachment to her!

Stage 4: Recovery. With the passage of time, we will slowly recover from the pain of losing our loved ones and continue with our lives. And we will be stronger than ever before!

This is not forgetting, but living our current lives with a deep love for her, which is the best reward we can give her!

These stages will last for a period of time, vary from person to person, and may overlap. But you will get through them! When you can clearly understand that you must inevitably walk this painful path of life alone, perhaps you will be able to learn to let go, give yourself a break, and let yourself say a proper goodbye to your mother.

Crying is not a sign of weakness. In fact, it's a sign of strength! We need to cry repeatedly and talk about it over and over again to express our thoughts, our guilt, and our self-blame. This may be painful for those around us, but we can have a simple conversation with our loved ones when we are emotionally stable, expressing that this is a stage we must go through and hoping that they can understand.

Don't hold back! Let it all out! You'll only make yourself suffer more if you suppress your tears.

There's no need to be relieved from the pain of losing a loved one. We just need to find a way to feel this sadness in a different way. Think of something happy!

This is the law, and it is irreversible. But that's okay! We don't fight against the irreversible.

You could try recording your complex emotions one by one: your regrets, your self-blame, your longing, your guilt, your cursing of this reality that we cannot change... All of it! Let your inner feelings be fully expressed, allow yourself to see them. Perhaps it is only by immersing ourselves in these loves and hates that we can slowly return to reality.

Give yourself some time and take it slowly. But life goes on, and we can live it healthily, whatever happens!

And finally, let's be a little more forgiving with ourselves! ??

Good day, original poster.

From your description, it is evident that you regret the decision to forego your mother's surgery and hold yourself responsible for her demise. I can comprehend the sentiments of remorse, self-blame, and distress you are experiencing.

You may be considering the practical reasons for this decision, as well as the fact that doing so will quickly relieve your mother's suffering. However, I believe that if you can reduce the pain of losing a loved one, they will not blame or resent you for it. After all, no one wants to experience such painful feelings.

[1] Adjust your mindset. Since you have made the decision, you must learn to accept the consequences.

It is important to understand that feelings of remorse and guilt are not the desired outcome. The intention is not to cause psychological separation from loved ones or to accelerate the painful process of separation. This can lead to a sense of guilt that is counterproductive. It is essential to recognize that the lost loved ones can also understand the decision to move on.

[2] Accept that loss and grief are a process.

In life, we will always face many losses and experience continuous grief. Everyone is independent and everyone will have their own life cycle. In this process, we will feel pain and suffering, and we will have these feelings. This is a natural process that life must go through. Accepting and letting go of our obsessions is actually the best gift for our growth. Accepting loss and grief, and the longer the time, the slower our emotions will be released.

[3] Accept the fact that a loved one has passed away.

When experiencing sadness or distress, it is important to allow yourself to grieve, accept the reality of the loss, accept the care and concern of others, maintain your social support network, and accept the warmth and care that others provide. It is also important to recognize that there are many individuals in the world who care about you and can offer support.

[4] It is important to learn to grieve and to express yourself.

One may choose to write a letter or find an object belonging to a loved one to express messages to the departed. Frequent communication with the object may also be beneficial. I have long held the belief that the departure of a loved one occurs in another realm, or parallel to our world, but not intersecting. This allows us to bless our loved ones, express our feelings and emotions, learn to let go, and finally be healed.

Additionally, professional counseling is an option for those seeking psychological assistance in healing the trauma of separation and emotional distress.

The process of moving on from a loss or period of mourning can help to broaden one's perspective and provide a sense of inner peace and freedom.

It is my hope that the above opinions will prove to be of assistance to you.

Following your mother's cerebral hemorrhage, you elected to decline the surgical intervention and allow her to pass away. You were overwhelmed by a complex array of emotions, including guilt, helplessness, and the loss of your mother's love. You were uncertain as to whether you had made the appropriate decision.

The loss of a close relative is inherently distressing, and when one is in the midst of such a loss, the additional burden of having to make the decision to operate can compound feelings of self-doubt. It is my hope that the following sharing can provide some measure of support and ease the inner struggle and pain that accompany such a situation.

1. It is important to recognize that although the decision was ultimately yours, it was made on behalf of your mother, who was no longer able to speak for herself or act independently.

The term "murderer" is used to describe an individual who has deliberately taken another person's life without respecting that person's right to life. Such actions are not only morally condemned but also legally held accountable. The decision you made was a difficult choice, made while upholding your mother's dignity and respecting her right to life.

The physician informed you of the potential consequences of the surgical procedure based on your mother's actual condition. After comprehensively understanding the information and providing consent, you, as your mother's immediate family member, made the decision that was optimal for both your mother and your existing family.

From the content of the message, it is evident that you have a profound affinity for your mother. It is also reasonable to infer that you and your late mother were closely bonded.

You have a high level of communication and understanding.

As a child, allowing an elderly person to pass away with dignity rather than linger on without dignity is a life choice that many people at the end of their lives would choose. It is possible that your mother also conveyed her expectations and hopes through your understanding of her and your nonverbal communication as she lay dying.

It is impossible to ascertain whether this was a decision she would have made if she had been in full possession of her mental faculties. However, the profound emotional bond between mother and child, coupled with the fact that she is one-half of your bloodline, represents an additional form of silent support for her.

2. The physical departure of the body is merely a formality; the spirit and memories can endure in the hearts of the living.

Ultimately, my mother has departed this life, yet this is merely a physical transition. Nevertheless, the spirit and memory of an individual persist beyond the demise of the body.

The optimal method for preserving the memory of a deceased individual is not through the retention of their physical remains, but through the commemoration and perpetuation of their legacy.

Although it is unfortunate to bid farewell to a mother, the memory of her existence in this world can be preserved and transmitted to subsequent generations within the family and even to the broader community.

One may choose to commemorate their mother by visiting the places she enjoyed on a regular basis or by sharing her life story with the next generation of their family.

Despite the absence of the physical body, the entirety of the individual's belongings and associated materials can be transmitted to subsequent generations if the descendants express a desire for such a transfer.

3. It is imperative to prioritize self-care during this period of grief. Grief is a process that requires time and space for the grieving individual to navigate it.

A cerebral hemorrhage occurred in my mother a month ago, and it appears that her demise may have occurred recently. The passing of a loved one can evoke a profound sense of loss.

The process of healing the inner self can take a relatively long time.

In ancient times, the adage "observe mourning for three years" was in circulation. This suggests that a minimum of three years may be required for an individual to fully recuperate from the loss of a loved one.

With the passage of time, particularly when there is sufficient opportunity for grieving, emotions such as self-blame and guilt tend to subside.

It is accurate to conclude that the wound is most painful at the moment of its occurrence. It is important to reassure oneself that the current emotional response is normal and that it is a significant indicator of the depth of one's attachment to the deceased. Should one experience difficulty in managing the associated distress, it is advisable to seek the guidance of a qualified psychological professional with expertise in grief counseling.

It is my hope that the aforementioned information will prove inspirational to you.

As a psychologist, my focus is not on the exploration of human nature, but rather on the emotional well-being of the human heart. I extend my best wishes to you.

Hello, topic author!

From what you've said, I can see you're feeling guilty and self-blame, as well as nostalgic and reluctant to let go of your mother. All kinds of emotions are troubling you and making you feel very uncomfortable. Give you a warm hug.

A short written description can't capture the full extent of the challenges you were facing at the time. I'm not you, so I can't fully empathize with the pressure of having to make rational decisions while feeling desperate. However, I want to reassure you that you did a great job, and your mother's spirit in heaven will also be comforted.

I think anyone who takes such action is doing so out of desperation. You have your own thoughts, relatives to look after, and the thought of having your mother undergo surgery would make you feel even more uncomfortable. This shows that you are a very filial person, and it's not your fault, really.

But honey, there are times when others can't help you. We have to help ourselves. I know you've been looking for ways to vent because you've been affected by your emotions for a long time. I want to tell you, honey, learn to let yourself go. You've done a great job. I know it's easy to say, but it's not easy to do. I believe in you. When you came here to talk about it, it was the beginning of a change. I believe you can get out of this predicament.

If you could do it all over again, what decision would you make?

There are no ifs in life. Mom is gone, and we still need to cheer up and take care of Dad and ourselves, so that Mom's spirit in heaven will be comforted. What do you think?

I have a few small suggestions that I hope will help you work through this guilt and self-blame.

First, have a chat with your mother.

Even though she's not here with us, she's always with us. When you're feeling uncomfortable, close your eyes and tell her what's on your mind. Tell her about your self-blame and your reluctance. Listen to how she feels. This could also be a way for you to get rid of your negative emotions.

If you're not able to do it yourself, you can get help from a professional hypnotist. You can enter a hypnotic state and talk to your mother in that state.

Then, learn to let go of those negative emotions.

No matter what we say, we can't help you get rid of these negative emotions. What you need to do is take the pressure off yourself, because it's affecting your body and mind. I suggest you talk to someone about it, whether it's a psychologist, a friend or family member, or someone you trust. You can also keep a diary or exercise to get rid of these negative emotions.

Second, give yourself a hug.

I know you're feeling guilty and self-blaming, but I also know you're strong. So I want to ask you to let go of that strength and give yourself a break. Tell yourself, "I know you're tired, I know you feel guilty, I know you're reluctant to let go of me, and I know how hard it was for you back then. You've done a good job, and there's nothing wrong with you. You understand how hard it was for you. Just keep hugging yourself and comforting yourself. A quiet environment will help."

I just want to say that you've done a great job. I know this might sound like a small thing, but I really want you to know that you've done a great job. I want you to give yourself a hug, accept yourself more, and when you're feeling better, talk to your mom about what's on your mind. It might even help more if you do it!

Hello, girl. I see you're confused. I'm here for you.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross says we go through five stages when we're sad.

1. Denial

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Frustration

5. Accept

You feel responsible for your mother's sudden departure.

You also think that if your mother had had the operation, she would have been better. This is the third stage.

I was in your situation when my mother suddenly passed away.

I got help from a counselor.

She taught me two ways.

If you know she's dead, you can send her a WeChat message.

The second method is the "empty chair technique."

The "empty chair technique" is to sit in a chair and imagine your mother is in another chair. Tell her everything you want to say.

If you don't know how to use the "empty chair technique," see a counselor.

Write a letter to her and bury it in a tree.

When you're ready, open the letter again. You can burn it or throw it away.

Your mother has left you and your sick father, but only her body has left.

Her teachings are in your heart.

I was sad when my mother left.

Her classmates said, "My mother has left us physically, but her spirit is with me always, caring for me and blessing me."

Does this make you feel better?

You can overcome your difficulties.

You'll get through this.

I hope you find a solution soon.

These are the only things I can think of.

I hope my answers help and inspire you. I am the answer, and I study hard every day.

Yixinli loves you! Best wishes!

Dear question asker,

When I read that you had written that your mother's life and death were in my hands, I was deeply saddened. This is a truly challenging situation. Only those who have experienced it can truly understand the pain. I am sending you my warmest regards!

I can just imagine the difficult situation you must have been in when the doctor told you in the hospital. If Dad was healthy, we could have discussed it with him. It's a great deal of responsibility that has fallen on you alone. In a short period of time, you have to make the final choice. I can understand how challenging it must be for you.

I shared your thoughts with the hospital. As a future mother, I can only imagine how you spent those days, but I could see the relief you felt after writing about your mother's passing. It could be said that the relief you felt in that moment was how easy it was. Then you made this difficult decision and how painful it was. I hope you'll accept my hug again!

However, as time passes, we may find ourselves experiencing a sense of relief, only to be met with a subsequent feeling of heaviness in our hearts. This is a natural consequence of the human experience, particularly when faced with the loss of a loved one. It is important to recognize that this process is not necessarily influenced by our own decisions regarding the life and death of our loved ones.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider the following: When our loved ones are dying, we lose the love of our loved ones. As you mentioned at the end, it's not easy to lose your mother's love, especially when it's because of your own choice. This can lead to a range of emotions, including repeated questioning of whether it was truly your own choice. The departure of our loved ones means losing our beloved. Initially, we may find it difficult to accept and even deny this. We may then experience a range of emotions, including anger and sadness. With time, however, we may find ourselves accepting this reality.

This process is the path we must take after losing a loved one. It doesn't really matter what choice you make. I believe you are a very decisive and far-sighted person, and I respect your decision. I also feel that your choice is very sensible and correct. This should also be your mother's wish. Nobody wants to be a vegetable. It's so painful! Not to mention that there is also a seriously ill father who needs you to take care of.

The road ahead still requires you and Dad to work together. Dad's serious illness will not only require a lot of financial expenses, but also require you to have more energy to accompany and care for him. It would be beneficial for you to be as physically and mentally healthy as possible in order to have the energy to take care of your family. The road ahead can be said to be quite a heavy task.

Life is, in fact, quite challenging. When faced with our aging parents, the realities of birth, aging, sickness, and death, we are presented with difficult and painful choices. It is through these experiences that we gain maturity and growth. Growing up is not always easy. We may wish to remain in a state of innocence, receiving our parents' love and living a happy life.

However, birth, aging, sickness, and death are natural laws that we cannot avoid. It is therefore important to face these challenges with strength and resilience. In the future, you will have many opportunities to make your own choices. I believe that this experience will teach you valuable lessons and help you find ways to improve your quality of life in the future.

And lastly, try not to let the opinions of others affect you too much. We all have to face challenges on our own, whether it's happiness or sorrow. As you mentioned in your feedback, some relatives may not fully support your decision, but they're still offering you some financial assistance. It's important to remember that they can't necessarily provide the same guidance and support that you need based on their own experiences. Ultimately, it's up to you to make the best decision for your situation. I admire your resilience in navigating these challenges.

Ultimately, I have to say that I admire your decision and I wish you all the best.

Dear author, be happy now! Be grateful for what you have.

After reading your words, I hug you, sad and self-blaming! Birth, aging, sickness, and death are the inevitable processes that a person goes through in their lifetime. Death is the biggest hurdle, but you can get through it.

You did the right thing. You made the best choice you could in that moment. Everyone has different resources and factors to consider, so everyone makes different choices.

However, death is inevitable, sooner or later. I am certain that if the decision was in your mother's hands, she would have made the same choice as you.

She loves you and doesn't want to burden you. You may not be able to imagine the day when your life ends, but it is still an inevitable process.

The doctor made it clear that the operation might not succeed, and that the best outcome would be a vegetative state. In that case, the doctor's advice was that there was no point in resuscitating her. Even if the operation saved her life, a vegetative person is not what your mother wanted. That would have caused her more pain and she would have lived without dignity or freedom.

You have tried your best, but this choice does not respect or consider your mother's feelings. The reality is that your mother left with dignity and comfort. If she could express it, I know this would also be her choice.

You have watched various similar but different endings on Douyin, so you feel very guilty inside and regret your choice. However, every patient's condition is different, so even if you had chosen surgery in the first place, the outcome would not necessarily be as optimistic as others.

Your mother has left you, and there's nothing you can do to change that. You have to accept it and move on with your life. I'm sure your mother would want you to be happy and successful, not sad and self-blaming.

You must accept this natural process of life. Write a letter to your mother in heaven and burn it for her, telling her your own choices and thoughts. Go to your mother's grave and talk to her. Allow yourself to grieve and miss your mother. You will slowly come out of it and live your life to the fullest.

I am confident that my answer will be helpful, and I wish you the best!

Hello, question asker! I'm Jiang 61.

Thank you for trusting us and being willing to tell us about your difficult decision. You want to know if you did the right thing. First, I want to give you a hug and show you that I care.

I can tell you with certainty that you did encounter a dilemma. It is also challenging to answer your question.

I have a question.

You demanded, "When my mother had a cerebral hemorrhage, I was in charge of her life and death. Did I do something wrong?"

Your mother's death was related to your decision, and you are questioning whether it was the right one. You feel this way because you have encountered a dilemma.

1⃣️, Details

A month ago, my mother had a cerebral hemorrhage and called 120. After the CT scan, it was found that the cerebral hemorrhage was 50 ml and there was a cerebral hernia. The doctor said that there was a possibility that she would not be able to get off the operating table after the surgery, and the best result would be a vegetable. I was very scared. I had friends and family members who were vegetarians for 7 years and eventually passed away. They also said that both parties had no quality of life and lost both people and money. I knew that I could not afford the cost of a vegetable for even one or two years. My father was seriously ill, so I could not call him to discuss it. I decided to refuse the surgery. At that moment, I was very helpless. I told my mother to wait to die. A few days later, my mother passed away, and I felt relieved.

My mother had a cerebral hemorrhage, and the doctor gave an opinion based on the brain CT that surgery might not work and she might become a vegetable. There was no question of whether or not to do it.

Given the financial issues and my father's poor health, there was no opportunity to discuss it. You made the decision not to treat, and your mother's passing provided you with a sense of relief.

2⃣️, what people say

You say, "Mom is almost 65 years old and has been suffering from the three highs for 20-30 years. I often think of her now, and I also read the medical records of brain hemorrhage on TikTok. Some have recovered well after surgery and can even take care of themselves. I envy them. I start to blame myself again. On the other hand, I say that having surgery will only make her suffer for a few more years, and it is also a blessing to leave in a coma.

After seeing similar cases on Douyin introduced by the doctor and that some patients have made a good recovery after surgery, you begin to doubt yourself and feel self-blame.

3⃣ Self-blame

You say, "This time my mother went quite comfortably, but I'm like a murderer. How can my mother bear to leave? She definitely didn't want to be a vegetable. Did I really kill her chances of waking up?" Making this decision allows the living to be financially unaffected, but I feel guilty, helpless, and I've lost my mother's love, and I'm not used to it.

Your mother passed away peacefully and comfortably. Despite this, you still feel like a murderer, asking yourself if you have killed her chances of waking up. However, your mother's departure has not affected the finances of the living, nor can it offset your deep guilt and self-blame, nor can it get used to losing your mother who loved you.

2. The reason for self-blame

1. Heinz steals medicine.

Heinz stealing medicine is a famous "dilemma" story proposed by developmental psychologist Kohlberg. The dilemma is clear: obey the law or defend the right to life.

Here's the story in a nutshell:

A man named Heinz's wife is seriously ill and dying. There is only one medicine that can cure her, but the doctor who invented it is demanding an exorbitant price. Heinz cannot afford it, so he has to steal the medicine to save his wife.

Make your choice.

Kohlberg asked the subjects to give an answer and their reasons as to whether Heinz had done the right thing. In fact, it is difficult for both the person involved and the subject to give an answer.

It's a choice between obeying the law or defending the right to life.

The purpose of this test is to analyze the cognitive structure characteristics implied by the answers given by the test taker, and to classify moral development into three levels and six stages. There is no right or wrong answer.

Kohlberg's test is designed to analyze the cognitive structure characteristics implied by the answers given by the test taker and to classify moral development into three levels and six stages. There is no right or wrong answer.

2. Dilemma

You are experiencing emotions of self-reproach, guilt, and regret now because you are dealing with conflicting moral and interest choices.

Let's talk about choices.

You initially chose to hope to safeguard the interests of the living by not operating on your mother. You considered how the living could suffer less and made the decision not to save your mother.

When you hear what people say online and feel remorse and guilt, you have shifted the criticism of your actions to the moral level. You are looking at your choice from the beginning, and you are wrong to condemn yourself for depriving your mother of the right to give birth.

This is a dilemma.

It is undeniable that when it comes to saving human lives, people find it challenging to make a satisfactory choice. This is regardless of whether they start from morality or consider safeguarding personal interests. You are in this state, and you are now condemning yourself for choosing your own interests.

3. How to view your choice

1⃣️ There is no right or wrong.

I can tell you with certainty that whatever choice you make when deciding whether or not to operate on your mother, it will be the right one. You are acting in the interests of the living, ensuring they can live a quality life.

You are responsible for the living.

Conversely, it is also morally justifiable and right to let her live a longer life if you choose not to give up your right to be born.

Your choice is neither right nor wrong.

2⃣️. Comfort your mother.

Treat yourself and your father well.

You have made the living people's lives better. Treat yourself and your father well so that they can live better and happier lives. Only in this way can you comfort your mother, let her go more peacefully, and fulfill your promise.

Say goodbye to your mother.

You are unable to get over the death of your mother. This is not just influenced by internet slang. You are not psychologically prepared to say a real goodbye to your mother. This makes it hard for you to accept her departure. What you need now is:

Accept the reality.

You must accept the reality that your mother has left you and take over or take on the responsibilities she had.

Say your mother goodbye in a formal setting.

You must choose a special time to have a farewell ritual with your mother. Tell her everything you want to tell her.

Tell her you will take care of things.

Reassure your mother.

Take care of your mother by living your life well, working hard, and taking care of yourself and your family. This will give her peace of mind.

3⃣, learn to detach.

Your last sentence shows that you're stuck in a cycle of pain because you haven't separated emotionally from your mother. You've always craved your mother's care, which has clouded your thoughts and kept you stuck in your pain.

Everyone has to grow up and become independent and learn to live on their own. It's not as hard as you think. You just need to

Face reality.

Face the reality of living independently without your mother's care and attention. Adapt to this life.

Build self-confidence.

You can do well in the next thing. You can do what you like in the areas you are good at. You can continue to accumulate successful experiences for yourself.

Take on challenges and do what you can to achieve difficult tasks through hard work. Build self-confidence.

You must motivate yourself.

I will achieve my goals and continue to motivate and inspire myself.

Set goals.

Set yourself various goals, check them regularly, and after you have achieved your predetermined goals, make a note of it and write down your thoughts and conclusions.

You must motivate yourself.

Set yourself rewards for achieving your goals. After you complete a short-term goal, treat yourself to something you enjoy, like buying a small gift or eating something you like. Complete medium- and long-term goals and reward yourself with something big, like going on a trip to a meaningful place, going hiking, singing, or doing something else meaningful.

You must accept the reality of being separated from your mother. You have things you want to do and succeed at them, thereby building up your self-confidence and sense of security. You can arrange your studies, life, and work, take care of your family, and stop expecting your mother's attention. This is how you truly overcome the insecurity of losing your mother and make a separation from her.

You must accept the reality of being separated from your mother. You have things you want to do and succeed at them. This builds up your self-confidence and sense of security. You must arrange your studies, life, and work. You must take care of your family. You must stop expecting your mother's attention. This is how you truly overcome the insecurity of losing your mother and truly make a separation from her.

Questioner, I want to be clear: when you understand that all choices made at the time were meaningful, stop blaming yourself with another standard, and learn to be true to yourself, you will truly grow up and become yourself. I hope you can come out of your sorrow and live a good life for yourself, to comfort your mother.

I wish the original poster all the best!

Dear question owner,

Saying goodbye to someone is a challenging experience for everyone, particularly when faced with the difficult decision between "conservative treatment" and "risky surgery" for a loved one in their final moments. Losing a family member in this way can be a painful experience. If you find yourself unable to move on, it may be helpful to seek support from a counselor. With the counselor's guidance, you can navigate the mourning process and regain inner peace.

?️Grief cannot be resolved by saying, "Death is the destination for everyone." It is a complex issue that requires time to slowly digest.

When we lose the people we love most, we may find that certain issues related to attachment trauma are reactivated, such as feelings of self-doubt, unresolved conflicts with loved ones, feelings of abandonment, and self-negation. While we can sometimes resolve these on our own, it is not uncommon to feel as though we are on the brink of collapse. These traumas often require a period of spiritual mourning to be fully resolved and repaired. When faced with the death of a loved one, it is natural to feel a sense of loneliness and helplessness. When accompanied by a counselor, we can feel supported and protected as we gradually recover from the sudden emptiness in our hearts.

It is not uncommon for pain to make us waver between numbness and oversensitivity. Numbness, such as turning yourself into a workaholic or drinking heavily, socializing like crazy, etc., may seem to temporarily prevent you from feeling pain. However, once the pain "stops," it can often resurface with even greater intensity. Oversensitivity, such as insomnia, constantly crying over your grief, shutting yourself away, etc., can make it difficult to work or socialize normally. These are all manifestations of being in the grieving period. Seeking professional psychological counseling can be a valuable step in navigating this process.

It may be helpful to seek out a counselor on Yixin with whom you feel comfortable, as this could provide a safe space to process your emotions and find a way to move forward without letting past experiences hold you back. It's important to remember that you don't have to face your grief alone.

Hello. From what you've said, I can see you're feeling pretty down about it all. It's natural to feel remorse and guilt when you're so involved in a situation.

I'm a psychotherapist at the hospital, and I'd like to share my understanding from a medical and psychological perspective.

A cerebral hemorrhage is a serious emergency. Most cases are caused by long-term high blood pressure, which ruptures the blood vessels and enters the brain tissue. The outlook depends on where in the brain the blood vessels are damaged. The most serious complication is a cerebral hernia. A cerebral hemorrhage in the brain stem, which controls vital functions, is particularly risky to treat surgically. This means there's a risk of respiratory arrest during the operation. The doctor will monitor this closely. The situation is serious. You've made a decision without consulting anyone, and your father is also seriously ill. In this dilemma, your decision is also approved by your parents behind the scenes. When we get old, how will we choose to face death?

This is something worth thinking about. From the moment we are born, we are heading towards death (Freud's theory of the death instinct). We can't decide how long we'll live, but we can decide how to live our lives to the fullest!

You need to work through your inner conflict. Even though your mom has left us for a world without illness and pain, her love is still in our hearts, with you and your dad. She'll bless you from heaven, so love yourself and your dad, and pass on the legacy. That's what your mom would want to see. If you keep blaming yourself and feeling guilty, it'll not only make you anxious, but also affect your dad's mood. Let's face the pain of losing a loved one together, cherish the health and happiness we have, and live in the present. That's the legacy of love in the spiritual world. Learn to express your feelings to your mom, miss her, and make your own decisions. Communicate with her in your heart and express them to your kids in life. How will you face your own old age, illness, and death in the future? Don't let our kids also fall into a dilemma in the future. We'll face it while we're alive, and we can also face and express it when dealing with illness and death.

There are three challenging topics in psychology: death, sex, and money. It's important to approach these with an open mind to break through and embrace ourselves with strength. Since we've made a decision, we should accept it as the best arrangement. The world and I love you, and you must also love yourself. A better life is the best way to honor your mother's soul in heaven! Let's do this!

Hello, my dear friend. Let me give you a big, warm hug!

Your problem reminds me of my dear old dad. He passed away more than six years ago, poor man, after suffering from a cerebral infarction and brain stem hemorrhage.

He'd been in the hospital a lot before, and the last time, the doctor said he'd had a brain stem hemorrhage. The best outcome would be a vegetative state. Thankfully, my dad stayed in the ICU for just a couple of days, then was discharged and went back home. He stayed there for a few days before passing away.

He never woke up during this time. After we got home, we gave him water to drink. It was hard, and occasionally there were tears in the corners of his eyes. I think he was still conscious, but he just couldn't control his body anymore.

It's like a free spirit trapped in a body that's seen better days.

He had been struggling with a chronic illness for a long time. Despite being able to walk, eat, drink, sleep, and chat with his neighbors,

However, his eyesight is affected, and he can't see clearly when he is far away. When watching the children, if they run fast and he can't keep up, he gets anxious and keeps shouting, bless him!

Before, he did business away from home, but after he got sick, he couldn't go out anymore and could only chat with the people in the village every day. Those people were either old, mentally challenged, or sick.

It's like a white-collar worker who works in Beijing, Shanghai, or Guangzhou suddenly having to chat with a childhood friend who never finished elementary school and has been working on the family farm. And those childhood friends who studied just like you are passing by in high spirits!

It's so sad to see this kind of disparity, and it's clear that it's only going to get worse.

My poor father had been unwell, and the doctor had been advising him to take it easy, to avoid drinking and smoking, and to get plenty of rest. When we told him this, he became a little upset and thought it was unimportant, but he still smoked and avoided us.

By 2016, all of us who were supposed to get married had done so, and those who were supposed to have children had done so. My father was enjoying his retirement, and he was enjoying his cigarettes and drinks a bit more than he used to. We tried to persuade him to change his ways, but he wasn't ready to give up smoking and drinking just yet.

I think he felt like he'd done his best as a dad to his kids.

In May, I made the spontaneous decision to go back and visit them one day. When I got back, my father was on the bed, and I even cooked for him. But soon I became a bit confused and couldn't speak.

The kind village doctor gave my father an injection and advised him to go to the hospital as soon as possible. I called 120 and took my father to the town hospital, where the doctor examined him and advised a transfer to the city hospital.

By then, it was already 11:00 p.m. I was holding my sweet little three-year-old child in my arms, and together with my dear mother, we followed the ambulance to the city hospital, which was 100 kilometers away.

After an emergency examination, he was transferred to the intensive care unit. I went to pay the fees one after the other. The second time I went to pay, the cashier said that the amount on the payment slip was definitely not enough and that I should pay a bit more, so that I wouldn't have to keep paying.

I paid 20,000 yuan, and I'm so grateful that I was able to help my dad get the care he needed!

Then I called my family to come back. It wasn't long before they were all back!

But sadly, my father never spoke to us again.

We were in the same situation as you, sweetie. If we had had surgery, the best outcome would have been a vegetative state, and the quality of life would not have been good. In addition, my father had been feeling lost for a long time, and we felt that he would definitely not want to spend the rest of his life lying in bed.

We did the same thing, and we let him go surrounded by his loved ones, just like you did.

Now that several years have passed, I can't help but stare at elderly people who are about the same age as my father. Sometimes I even look back after walking past. I always imagine that they've just stepped out and will be back, and it makes me smile.

But my common sense tells me that this just isn't possible.

And I'll give you the best 720-degree hug in the world. I think this is probably the best ending for your mother.

You are not guilty, and you have not burdened your children. Let those who survive continue to live well, my dear friend.

I've noticed that folks in the country tend to take death more lightly. When they get sick, they just accept it as part of life. If they really want their kids to go bankrupt to treat them, most of them will choose to give up treatment, and their friends and family understand very well.

But for children, loss, bereavement, and grief will still exist. At this time, I would rather regard this as fate. Everyone has a certain destiny, so it's okay to just let it be, and don't force it to fight against it.

If you're feeling guilty and helpless, I really recommend that you write it down and write a letter to your mother. Even if you can't send it, you can read it to her.

You could even set up a special space where you can spend some time every day talking to your mom and saying goodbye. Just make it a short, sweet 10 minutes or so.

Take all the time you need to come to terms with your mother's passing. You can stay as long as you need to, and when you're ready, you can say your final goodbyes.

Once you leave this room, try not to think about it for a while. Go and devote yourself to your own life, take care of your father, and work hard. You've got this!

The person who has left has gone on to the next stage of their journey, and the person who is still alive has to continue on their own path. It's okay to grieve, but try not to dwell on it all the time.

You can also talk to a counselor if you'd like.

I'm a counselor who's often both Buddhist and sad, but I try to be positive and motivated, too. I love the world and I love you!

Dear Poster,

From your words, I can discern a range of complex emotions, including doubt, helplessness, sadness, and confusion.

The death of a loved one is a significant event, and your mother's passing is closely related to the decision you have made. It is understandable that you feel as though you are facing a moral dilemma. The pressure you felt when making this decision was likely considerable.

I believe your primary concern is whether your mother will approve of your decision. It appears that you are not adequately addressing the situation without her input, particularly when you observe on Douyin and other channels that some stroke patients are thriving after surgery, which contributes to your internal conflict. These positive images have been effectively removed by your own actions, and you will no longer be able to experience your mother's love or provide her with the opportunity to live a potentially fulfilling post-surgery life.

As a result of your decision, a number of promising prospects have now been rendered unfeasible.

Nevertheless, I can see that you have carefully considered all aspects of this decision. The personal financial situation, the doctor's diagnosis, the support of the family, and the state of your mother's health over the years all contribute to this being the most prudent decision. You have demonstrated responsibility to your family and to yourself. If you have regrets about your mother's departure, you may wish to consider writing a letter, calling her, or doing something you did together to express your love and memories of her. This could help you to process the emotions you are experiencing.

You will not be alone in navigating the road ahead.

I wish you the best of luck.

Hello, question asker.

Let's talk. I'm here for you.

A month ago, you made a difficult decision. I can see that you have analyzed the situation, and although your words are few, you have considered every aspect.

Your mother is gone, and you are filled with guilt because you don't know if the decision was right or wrong.

You know you could have done better and you know you could have made a better choice.

But the truth is, there may not be a better choice.

Let me be clear: as an ordinary person, no one can predict the future.

The choices you face at the time are difficult in their own way. Nobody can analyze which choice is better.

Regret is an inevitability in our lives.

Guilt and helplessness are not a path to redemption.

We can only go on well by facing it bravely and living hard.

Remembering our mothers is a part of our lives.

You can allow guilt and helplessness to fade away slowly.

I feel the pain of empathy, but I know the questioner has enough courage.

You haven't done anything wrong. You can go on living a good life.

I'm happy to keep you company and chat with you.

I am the answer letter that works hard with you.

The world and I love you.

Your mother has a cerebral hemorrhage, and you are now responsible for her life and death. You have the incredible opportunity to rise to the challenge and prove your resilience!

The choice to have surgery may result in a vegetative state, which means your mother will no longer be in a vegetative state. This is great news! It also means that your life with your father will be full of quality.

To give up treatment is to give up hope of your mother's recovery, and you will be free from guilt and self-blame!

You have the exciting opportunity to make a decision!

You've made a decision! And it's a good one!

In the face of your mother's dignity and the quality of life of the family, all choices guided by morality and emotion must give way.

Otherwise, if the result is irreversible, not only will Mom not be able to return to a normal life, she will be subjected to inhumane torture without any autonomy. Your life and Dad's life will also descend into an abyss, and you may complain about Mom. But, on the other hand, you'll have the chance to prove your strength and resilience!

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1. The doctor's diagnosis represents an authoritative conclusion.

A month ago, my mother had a cerebral hemorrhage and called 120. After a CT scan, it was found that the hemorrhage was 50 ml and had caused a brain hernia. The doctor said that there was a possibility that she would not be able to get out of the operating table after surgery, and the best outcome would be a vegetative state.

There was already a cerebral hernia due to the cerebral hemorrhage, which meant that if surgery was performed, there was no hope of recovery.

The doctor had already said that there was a possibility that the patient would not be able to get off the operating table after the surgery because the bleeding from the surgical wound could accelerate death.

Even if the operation is successful and the brain hemorrhage is stopped, the patient may become a vegetable.

The doctor didn't advise against the operation, but the diagnosis was pretty clear.

Insisting on an effort that you know is useless is a surefire way to increase the suffering of the patient.

If your mother is still conscious and able to speak, she may also choose to go natural—and that's an amazing option!

And so, I made the decision to respect my mother's life by refusing the operation.

2. Birth, aging, sickness, and death are natural laws, and complying with them is also respecting my mother's life.

"I was very scared. A friend and family member of mine had been in a vegetative state for 7 years and eventually passed away. They also said that both parties had no quality of life and that it was a waste of time and money. I knew that I could not afford to take care of a vegetative patient for even a year or two. My father was seriously ill, so I could not call him to discuss it with him. It was best if I decided to refuse the operation. At that moment, I was very helpless and it felt like I was telling my mother to wait to die." But then something amazing happened!

The examples around you can serve as a reference and comparison, which is really helpful!

If my mother became a vegetable after the operation, what was the point of her living?

If you and your mother couldn't communicate emotionally, what would you have kept her for?

At the very least, you want the world to think that you were the best daughter a mother could ask for! You did your best, and you're proud of yourself.

But if you do this just so that you don't feel responsible for your mother's life and death, so that you don't have to face the consequences, so that you don't feel guilty and sorry for your mother, but instead make your mother pay with her pain and ignorance, that would be very cruel to your mother, wouldn't it? But you didn't do that! You did the opposite! You took on the responsibility of the whole family and made sure your mother had the best possible afterlife! You are amazing!

So, although the responsibility at that moment was heavy as a thousand catties, you took on the future of the whole family, including the best possible afterlife for your mother. You are amazing!

——————————————————————————

3. Your mother ended her suffering and passed away comfortably. She will definitely thank you!

A few days later, my mother passed away, and I felt relieved. My mother was almost 65 years old and had been suffering from the three highs for 20 to 30 years. Now that I often think of my mother, I also read the medical records of brain hemorrhage on TikTok. Some people recovered well after surgery and could even take care of themselves. I envy them! On the one hand, I start to blame myself again, and on the other hand, I say that having the surgery only made her suffer for a few more years. It was also a blessing to pass away in a coma. This time, my mother passed away quite comfortably, but I feel like a murderer. How could my mother bear to leave?

After your mother passed away, you were thrilled! You were so happy that she finally didn't have to suffer anymore and was now free.

She passed away peacefully, and that was also a sign that you made the right decision!

But because you're not sure about your mother's wishes, you may think that she is reluctant to leave. This is totally understandable! We all worry about our loved ones when they're seriously ill. But try to think about it this way: your mother is not a normal person. She is an amazing, incredible being who has lived a full and wonderful life. She has done so much for you and your family. She has loved you unconditionally. She has taught you so much. She has given you so much joy. She has given you so much strength. She has given you so much love. She has given you so much. She is ready to move on to a new adventure. She is ready to embrace a new world. She is ready to experience new

Although she can't tell you herself, the wonderful news is that she has ended her suffering and left peacefully! This is a truly wonderful thing. It's as if she is telling you that it is the dignity and relief you have given her that she will thank you for!

Let's dive in!

4. Losing a loved one is bound to be traumatic, and you have to accept the facts and the complex emotions within. But you can also embrace the incredible opportunity to celebrate their life and move forward with a renewed sense of purpose!

"But she definitely didn't want to be a vegetable. Did I really kill her chances of waking up? Making this decision can spare the living from financial difficulties, but I feel guilty, helpless, and I'm not used to losing my mother's love."

Absolutely! Nobody wants to be a vegetable, and your mother definitely doesn't want to be.

If mom only exists in the flesh, without spiritual activity, what else can she feel in this world?

Since her spirit has already flown to another world, her body is free to move on to its next adventure!

If your decision is different, it may not be what your mother wants, but it will be the best decision for you both!

No matter what the reason, losing the person you love most can be painful. You may feel guilty and blame yourself, and you might even find it difficult to adapt. But you will get through this!

Therefore, accept the fact that your mother has left due to a serious illness, accept your own grief, and wish your mother well in heaven. Her spirit will accompany you on earth to happiness!

And now for some more good news!

I really hope the above answers can bring you some comfort!

I'm Yan Guilai, a psychological counselor, and I'm here to help you feel at peace!