My mother likes to create anxiety. How can I mitigate her influence?

Hi, I'm Vania.

Sometimes your mother's anxiety affects you. You doubt yourself. I'm hugging you from afar, hoping it helps.

Find your own rhythm.

You have your own views on leaving your job. I hope you will think about them, change your mind, and find a job you like. This kind of thinking is easy to understand.

That's normal.

Your mother is worried about you. What if you can't find a job?

This shows you haven't been affected by your mother's anxiety.

You can tell the difference. This is your mother's way of thinking.

Mom's thoughts are her own. She grew up in difficult circumstances, so she can't accept not having a job and an income. This makes her anxious and fearful.

It's good you have plans for the future.

Tell her you understand her worries and have confidence in your abilities.

This is not something that happens overnight. Mothers worry about instability because it's been instilled in them since childhood. Understanding but not arguing and stabilizing yourself may be a safe way to go.

I hope this helps. I look forward to your reply.

Best,

Hello, questioner.

Your last sentence raises an important question: Is it wrong to take a break and adjust? Should you just keep working? The answer is clear: Of course not!

I know the answer in your heart is the same. You just want confirmation and support. I'm here to support your decision.

Psychologists often talk about the separation of issues. Let me be clear: your mother's issues are not your issues. Quitting your job, finding a new one, and the resulting financial pressure are all your issues. You need to take responsibility for your own life.

A mother's anxiety is not your concern. It stems from her own insecurities and fears, which are her own personal issues. You can separate them from your own heart.

The theory may say otherwise, but it's not that simple to be unaffected by your mother in real life. We children are naturally influenced by our mothers, and you are not alone. We are all the same.

Many people in our parents' generation ask questions in an "extreme opposite way" (whether they are unwanted, etc.). They do this to provoke you into denying their guesses so that they can feel at ease. Don't accept their "invitation" to star in the "script" they have arranged. Refute or argue instinctively.

After we have adjusted ourselves, we may try some brand new ways to respond to her: 1. The rogue style: "Yes, I am unwanted now, so why don't you let me come back and depend on you?" 2. The aggrieved style: "Yes, I am that unwanted little cabbage, ooooh."

.

And so on. You are wise, so I am sure you understand that the more exaggerated the expression, the more she will know that you are not serious. The more relaxed you are, the more relaxed she will be.

Once you stop worrying about it, there's no longer a market for the anxiety she creates.

Greetings!

As a heart exploration coach, I believe that learning is the most valuable asset of the human body.

From your description, it is evident that you are experiencing a range of intense emotions, including anxiety, discomfort, distress, pain, and a sense of helplessness.

Your mother's anxiety is a source of distress for you. Without delving into the specifics, I offer three pieces of advice:

Firstly, it is recommended that an effort be made to gain an understanding of one's own self and to accept the circumstances that one finds oneself in.

Such an approach will engender a slight improvement in mood, thereby facilitating the consideration of subsequent action.

You have indicated that you are not particularly distressed about your recent resignation and subsequent job search. Furthermore, you have expressed a desire to take some time off in order to find a position gradually and to avoid making an error in judgment. However, your mother is experiencing considerable anxiety and is consistently urging you to proceed with haste, as though you have not been gainfully employed for an extended period of time. This is having an adverse effect on your emotional state. You have inquired as to how you might avoid being influenced by your mother's anxiety. It is understandable that you are affected by your mother's emotional state, given that individuals are susceptible to the influence of one another's emotions. Moreover, your mother is your loved one and, as such, her emotions have a greater impact on you. You care about her feelings and thoughts, and thus, it is important for you to try to understand yourself and to provide yourself with comfort. By "seeing" the painful self that is affected by your mother's anxiety but temporarily unsure of how to respond, you can divert your attention from other matters. Otherwise, your brain will remain encircled by a multitude of negative emotions.

Furthermore, allowing oneself to understand one's own self and accept one's state of being will facilitate the promotion of change in the status quo. This may appear to be a paradoxical assertion, but it is, in fact, an accurate representation of the underlying process. Change, in essence, is predicated on the acceptance of a state of equilibrium.

Secondly, it is recommended that you adopt a rational perspective on your own state of mind.

Rational thinking can assist in developing a more nuanced understanding of oneself and one's circumstances.

A rational approach necessitates two key actions:

Firstly, it is important to recognise that by separating the issue, one's own anxiety will not be affected by that of another person.

It is important to recognize that one's own emotional state is separate from that of one's mother. One's own feelings and experiences are one's own business, while one's mother's anxiety is her own concern.

Secondly, it is important to recognise that in any relationship, the individual who is experiencing greater distress will be the first to initiate change. This phenomenon can be observed in parent-child relationships.

From your description, it is evident that you are experiencing greater distress as a result of seeking assistance, indicating a need for personal transformation. Additionally, there has been a history of mutual influence between you and your mother, suggesting that if you implement changes, she may also be open to adapting her behavior.

Thirdly, it is important to recognise that the status quo can be altered as a result of one's own actions. When one exercises their subjective initiative, it naturally leads to a change in one's state and relationship with one's mother. It is therefore essential to acknowledge one's own strength and the power of time.

Thirdly, it is recommended that you direct your attention to your own well-being and consider the actions you can take to improve your emotional state.

For example, one can engage in honest communication with one's mother. As previously stated, it is essential to initiate change, and sincere communication with one's mother represents an effective initial step. However, it is crucial to exercise caution when communicating, paying close attention to the approach and method employed. Initially, it is beneficial to consider the perspective of the other party and strive to comprehend their viewpoint. This can facilitate a more effective understanding of the situation. Secondly, it is advisable to begin sentences with "I" and to discuss one's feelings. Additionally, it is important to maintain composure, convey one's maturity, and assert one's autonomy. This approach can help alleviate the other party's anxiety and foster a sense of calm.

Additionally, it is recommended to allow your mother some time to reflect. During this period, it is advised to communicate in a manner that is "firm but without hostility." This entails separating the issue from the person. Gradually, it is important to convey to your mother that you did not comply with her instructions, that your attitude is firm but not hostile, and that you are also responsible for your own actions. With time, she may also undergo a change in attitude.

In the event that the behavior persists following an exhaustive dialogue, it is imperative to acknowledge the reality of the situation and cease anticipating a transformation on her part. This may facilitate a sense of well-being, as the absence of expectations will mitigate the potential for distress and emotional distress.

It is also beneficial to engage in discourse with trusted family and friends, as this can have a positive effect on one's emotional state. When negative emotions arise, engaging in conversation can help to alleviate them. Additionally, sharing one's thoughts and feelings with others can foster a sense of understanding and support, which can further contribute to an improved emotional state. In summary, it is important to recognize that the status quo can be altered through deliberate action.

Once action is initiated, the various negative emotions that may be present within the individual will gradually dissipate. This is because action can be seen as the antithesis of negative emotions.

It is my hope that this response will prove beneficial to you. Should you wish to engage in further communication, you are invited to click on the link entitled "Find a coach for an online conversation," which you will find at the foot of this page. This will enable me to communicate with you on an individual basis.

Dear Questioner,

I am grateful for the opportunity to engage with your thought-provoking question. It is my hope that we can collectively delve into this topic and foster mutual growth.

Firstly, it is important to acknowledge the significant influence that our mothers have had on our personalities, worldviews and behaviours.

The following section will examine the ways in which an anxious mother can be dealt with, as well as the ways in which a life full of uncertainty but also infinite possibilities can be navigated.

1. Control what is within one's power and adapt to what is beyond it.

In this world, there are numerous individuals, entities, and circumstances that are beyond our capacity to alter or control. These include our parents, our origins, and our upbringing. Conversely, there are factors within our sphere of influence, such as our perceptions, thoughts, and reactions to people, entities, situations, or environments.

We dedicate our entire lives to the pursuit of wisdom, through the processes of learning, accumulation, and reflection. This enables us to distinguish more effectively between what we can and cannot control, and to apply the well-known "control dichotomy" to our lives: we can control what we can control, and adapt to what we cannot.

In reference to the aforementioned example, it can be posited that the source of the mother's anxiety is rooted in fear, specifically the fear of losing a sense of security and stability.

Your departure has impacted her sense of security and stability. In her past growth and educational environment, "provocative" words and deeds may have more effectively conveyed her anxiety and empowered her to push you to make changes that could reassure her.

The subject in question is unaware that the individual in question possesses their own thoughts, goals, and values, which are beyond her control. External interview opportunities and results are even more beyond her control. She attempts to exert control over the individual in question but finds she is powerless to alter those unchangeable facts. As a result, she experiences anxiety and distress, which manifest as verbal expressions of emotion.

Dear, We are the product of our parents' expectations, which are often shaped by their profound love for us. When these expectations remain unfulfilled, a discrepancy emerges between reality and expectations, leading to feelings of fear and anxiety. To alleviate this, it is essential to understand, accept, adapt to, and, within the limits of our own control, improve ourselves and become stronger. As we gain more choices and opportunities to realize our self-worth on a larger stage, our mother's anxiety may be calmed.

2. The objective of this section is to learn how to listen in a structured way.

Festinger's law, a highly renowned concept in the field of psychology, posits that an individual's life is shaped by two distinct factors: the events that occur externally, which comprise 10% of an individual's life, and the internal responses to these events, which account for the remaining 90%.

I have a profound comprehension of this concept. To illustrate, I will present an example from my personal experience.

In the workplace, I was previously known for my sensitivity and vulnerability. A compliment from a superior could elicit excitement for up to a week, while similarly, my work performance would be exemplary. Conversely, a criticism or rejection from a superior could result in a week of despondency, accompanied by a lack of motivation to perform.

In my personal experience, I have had a particularly strained relationship with my mother. Her provocative remarks, such as "If you're still single at 30, does that mean you're not wanted?" or "If you keep staying up late like this, I don't think you'll live long," have consistently challenged my emotional and psychological resilience. In response, I either resorted to equally vicious words or threatened to sever our relationship.

However, since assuming the roles of team leader and mother, I have discovered that the sense of responsibility I feel impedes my ability to respond to external stimuli with a straightforward, emotional approach. To navigate the complexities of these roles effectively, I have come to recognize the necessity for a more nuanced, rational approach to judgment and decision-making, as well as a broader perspective.

I began studying psychology, which enabled me to gain insight into myself and others. I encountered Festinger's law and met numerous experts who taught me psychological techniques. I then applied these techniques to my work and life, and was surprised to find that I had become the person with the highest emotional quotient and the best communication and coordination skills, as praised by my colleagues. My relationship with my mother also improved, moving from a previously tense state of "two days of minor conflicts and three days of major conflicts" to a more relaxed one. This was not due to any change in my mother, but rather to my learning to listen in a structured way, hear her expectations, pick up her emotions, and calm her fears and anxieties.

The term "structured listening" refers to a method of communication that involves expressing emotions, evaluating facts, and anticipating future actions.

To illustrate, consider the following example:

The mother inquires as to why the subject has not yet submitted a resume, suggesting that the reason may be due to a perceived lack of interest from potential employers.

Emotions: The mother displays anxiety and concern, resorting to provocation.

It is a verifiable fact that I am currently seeking employment opportunities.

It is anticipated that the individual will take the initiative to submit their curriculum vitae, thereby showcasing their qualifications and expanding their prospects for employment. This is expected to facilitate the attainment of a position and a sense of stability in the near future.

The mother states that the aforementioned behavior is indicative of a lack of regard for one's own well-being and a potential precursor to adverse health outcomes.

Emotions: The mother is enraged and disapproves of my actions that are detrimental to my health.

It is a verifiable fact that I was staying up late, and my mother happened to see me.

It is expected that staying up late is very harmful. The objective is for the subject to be healthy, free from illness, and full of energy.

Leader: Could you please explain why you have encountered so many difficulties recently? Would it have been possible for you to provide advance warning and request assistance?

Emotions: My leader is displeased with my performance, which he deems inadequate.

I have been made aware of a formal complaint lodged by a customer.

I anticipated that my superior would encourage a more proactive, intelligent, and proactive approach to work, including the ability to anticipate potential risks and request assistance when necessary.

One may posit that when one suppresses one's emotional reflexes and breaks down what others say to one into the categories of emotions, facts, and expectations, one can activate the "rational brain" to guide one's next move.

In reference to the aforementioned example, the statements made by the subject's mother indicate a sense of unease and a high level of expectation. Accepting these emotions and expectations can be perceived as an act of love.

In regard to the selection of a career, it is imperative to recognize the significant impact this decision has on one's life. The choice of profession should be approached with careful consideration and seriousness. Work provides individuals with a sense of value, a sense of being needed and respected. In order to make an informed decision, it is essential to consider a combination of factors, including knowledge, experience, strengths and weaknesses, as well as interests and specialties. Ultimately, each individual is responsible for their own life.

In conclusion, I would like to share a poem from "Nonviolent Communication" so that we can all learn to communicate, listen, understand, accept, love, and feel love. I would like to express my gratitude to you, my friend.

"Words are windows" (otherwise, they are walls) by Ruth Beerbaum

It is not possible to discern the distinction.

Before I take my leave, I must inquire as to whether that is truly your intention.

Prior to requesting assistance with distress or trepidation,

Please elucidate whether I have correctly comprehended.

The function of words can be likened to that of windows or walls.

They may be used to judge us or to set us free.

As I engage in discourse and receptivity,

May the light of love shine upon me.

I have a point that I wish to make.

The aforementioned words are of significant importance to me.

In the event that words are unable to adequately convey my innermost aspirations,

I would be grateful if you could assist me in achieving a state of liberation.

If you are of the opinion that I am attempting to humiliate you,

If one were to assume that I do not care about you,

It is imperative that you pay heed to the emotional nuances conveyed through my words.

It is imperative to consider the emotional nuances that are conveyed through our interactions.

Hello.

I have the same mother, so let's talk about it.

I used to let her influence me, which made me doubt myself and feel anxious.

I found that the best way to handle this was to accept her feelings and offer her comfort when she spoke.

Just make a mental cut, tell yourself clearly:

My mother loves me so much that she's starting to worry about me again. I love her too, and I understand that what she's trying to express is her love for me—in her own way.

I get where my mom's coming from, and I accept that she's always been this way.

I get that this is my life, my decision, and my way of solving problems. This time, I want to live my life the way I want.

Right, now I need to think about how to calm my mother's emotions and convince her to be at peace and quiet.

When you realize that your mother is anxious but can't avoid being affected, it means you need to be stronger.

Your inner self is a bit shaky, and you need to find ways to give it a boost.

However, your mother's words and actions aren't helpful and make you more vulnerable. You can't hold on, so it's only natural that you'll waver.

It's always been this way, and the mother's "predictions" may unfortunately be right again a few times. When she says something, you're afraid it'll be like before, and you're not sure whether to stick to your own ideas.

We need to do some self-reflection. When you feel like you should take control of your own life, you'll find the strength to stand firm and not be easily shaken.

Let's be real, moms love us, but we have to be the ones calling the shots in our lives.

Good day. I commend you for being aware of your inner voice. I frequently encounter a situation in which my own voice is at odds with the external world. In such instances, I question whether I should heed the external voice.

I am confident that you have the strength to stand firm with your inner voice, and I am prepared to share my strength with you to help you.

From your written account, it is evident that your mother has transferred her anxiety to you.

You recognize the need for a period of adjustment before embarking on the next phase of the project. This approach aligns with the principles of personal and professional growth, which necessitate rest and reflection before embarking on new endeavors.

Therefore, you must first inform yourself that you will proceed with the original plan without any additional concerns.

In the previous step, you have established your boundaries and are clear and firm about your actions and their rationale. You can then confidently accept the opinions of others, as they are just other people's opinions and have no bearing on your own actions.

As an example, an objective review of your mother's behavior would reveal a significant level of anxiety underlying her actions.

While her concerns are understandable, they do not negate the necessity of your departure following the completion of the repairs.

What is the best course of action in this situation?

It would be beneficial to identify the underlying cause of your mother's anxiety. Rather than immediately pursuing your own career goals, it would be more constructive to reassure her that she can trust you to complete your work responsibilities.

It would be advisable to communicate your plans to her so that she is reassured that you are capable of taking responsibility for your own life and that you are fully aware of your capabilities and the current situation.

She will perceive your confidence and resolve. Any internal concerns she may have will also be alleviated.

It is important to establish clear boundaries, communicate the rationale behind your decisions, and maintain a sense of autonomy to avoid being influenced by external factors.