My wife has a strong tendency towards obsession and is temperamental. Should I consider a divorce?

Hello, questioner!

After reading your question, I feel that you are very conflicted and torn. Marriage is no joke, and every step must be thought through. As you said, you are afraid that your children will be hurt if you divorce, but you are quite miserable if you don't. If you just look at these two extremes, it's really suffocating, because you have to choose one or the other, and that decision is very difficult for anyone! If we open up a space between "divorce" and "no divorce," things might develop in a different way...

No couple or partner is born perfect. Every family has its own homework to do, and every good marriage has been made good through hard work and cultivation. I don't know if the questioner is aware of it, but apart from her short temper, I believe that his wife must have many other good qualities, and those good qualities must also be in you!

I'd love to hear what you think the advantages are!

I'm not sure if the questioner has talked to his wife about the idea of "divorce." Does his wife know that you're considering it?

The questioner describes his wife as someone with obsessive tendencies and a short temper. He says she accuses him of anything that doesn't match her thinking, whether it's an action, a remark, or a view. They used to get angry a lot. It seems like you and your wife don't communicate well, and that your wife is relatively dominant. What kind of communication style do you want?

We can talk to my wife about this part, about how you feel when she is dominant, and what you expect from her. For example, when you get so angry, I feel attacked. If you could say something like, "I would feel a lot better if you could..."

The questioner observed that his wife's parents also communicated in this way, so the wife grew up in such a family and has not seen other communication models. It's so understandable! She has already acquired the way her parents get along with each other, which means that the wife is doing this unconsciously. The good news is that the occurrence of change will make the unconscious things conscious, and then there will be a direction for choice.

So, the first thing you need to do is sit down with your wife and have a chat. You need to let her know that her way of dealing with things has caused you distress and made the questioner feel bad. Then, you need to give her some time. I'm sure she'll become different in no time!

I agree with the original poster. For the sake of their lovely children and their family, both husband and wife need to make an effort! There are so many ways they can do this. They can calmly discuss the matter with their wife, read the book "Nonviolent Communication," go to a "psychological salon" organized by a local psychological institution with their wife, or talk to a teacher in the field of "family therapy" at a local psychological institution. There are always more ways than there are difficulties!

I just know that after learning, your little family will get better and better! Sending you lots of love and blessings!

I'm Jia Jia.

Your wife's parents have been together for decades. It's hard to feel suppressed and angry.

You can still do something about it.

Second, the children are young and live with her parents, which makes it more obvious to you. This stage is difficult.

Try a change of environment. Raising the child independently?

This is hard, but you can try and talk about it. It'll be better when the kids are older.

Third, you only hear one side of the story. She's serious and pessimistic 365 days a year and never smiles. There must be times when she is relieved and happy. What does she like?

Are you happy with childcare? You must have made her happy too. The arrival of children may have led to more problems and conflicts between you.

Talk to her about your feelings and experiences. Ask her how she feels.

Jogging or movies?

These are all good ways to communicate. We still need to figure out how to move forward.

I hope this helps.

I extend to you a warm embrace from afar. I perceive your profound sense of grievance, helplessness, and powerlessness, as well as your longing for understanding and support.

Your proactive attitude in seeking help demonstrates your recognition of the importance and care you place on your marriage. You do not wish to end the relationship easily, yet you lack the knowledge to more effectively support, assist, and address your wife's emotional needs. In order to prevent further conflict and out of an instinctive self-protective response, you unconsciously choose to avoid confrontation. It is essential to allow and accept yourself. At times, you may desire to escape, which is a natural human reaction when faced with disrespect, lack of understanding, lack of support, rejection, and harsh criticism.

It is possible to discern the underlying needs that manifest as behavioural states. These may include a desire for affirmation, visibility, acceptance, understanding, respect and support. In order to facilitate change, it is essential to identify these needs and communicate them to the relevant individual in a clear and assertive manner. However, it is crucial to avoid making any comments on the other person's behaviour. Instead, the focus should be on conveying the impact of their actions and how they affect you.

Your expression of your true feelings and needs without hostility will facilitate her sense of understanding, acceptance, and inclusion. When he feels safe and accepted in your presence, he will be able to gradually disengage from his inner fear and anxiety and attempt to express his emotions verbally, rather than relying on emotional expression alone. What are your thoughts on this matter?

It is important to note that emotions are neither inherently good nor bad, nor are they necessarily right or wrong. Emotions are often driven by unmet expectations and unfulfilled needs, particularly in the case of intense negative emotions. Therefore, when a wife experiences fluctuating emotions, she is seeking support, understanding, acceptance, and love from her husband. It is possible that her emotional responses may be influenced by unresolved issues from her own family of origin, which she may not be aware of. This could manifest as an attempt to meet her emotional needs through her own efforts.

Consequently, the individual in question will be the closest person to her, and she will be inclined to place her unmet and owed needs on that person, longing for that person to provide her with better support and a more appropriate response.

In such circumstances, the most that can be done is to provide sufficient acceptance, understanding, and tolerance to ensure that the wife feels safe with her husband. At the same time, it is possible to encourage her to record her emotions in a timely manner through the use of an emotional diary. This will assist her in developing a greater understanding of her emotions, allowing her to experience them in a constructive manner and to identify more appropriate ways of expressing and responding to them.

I am Lily, the moderator of the Q&A Museum. I extend my gratitude to you all for your attention.

Dear question asker,

It can be challenging to get along with someone who is grumpy. I can understand how you feel at the moment. In order to give your child the benefit of a complete family and the love of both parents, you are willing to compromise.

From my perspective, you seem to be a responsible man, and I admire that quality in you. Initially, you were trying to please her and were willing to make changes in yourself, but you eventually realized that no matter how hard you tried, you couldn't fully meet your wife's expectations. It seemed like no matter what you did or said, she would find something to criticize.

I believe this is the situation in your case.

First of all, you say that your wife has obsessive tendencies and a bad temper. When you think this stereotype, will you automatically think that she has a bad temper, even if her words and deeds are reasonable? This could prevent you from communicating with her equally.

Your wife, on the other hand, may find it challenging to communicate effectively with you, which could lead to feelings of misunderstanding and frustration. This, in turn, might contribute to a growing sense of tension in the relationship.

If this continues, it may have an impact on the physical and mental health of the child. It might be helpful to identify your automatic thinking and consider not labeling your wife as short-tempered. This stereotypical perception could be perceived as unfair to her.

You mention that your wife's bad temper may be influenced by her upbringing. You give the example that "the atmosphere at my in-laws' home is very oppressive, and my in-laws are basically always serious and irritable, and everyone is careful for fear of making a mistake." It seems that, in your perception, everyone at your in-laws' home lives cautiously, and there is not the warm and harmonious family atmosphere you imagine.

It's possible that there are differences in how you and your wife perceive home in different family environments, which could contribute to the conflict in perception.

Given the circumstances of your wife's upbringing, it's understandable that she might feel victimized in this family environment. It's important to remember that everyone deserves kindness, love, and tolerance, especially in a relationship. From your description, it seems that your wife's family may have some communication challenges. It's possible that they're not as adept at expressing love through words and actions as they could be.

When love flows in the family, our nerves are relaxed and we don't feel cautious. It could be said that their cautiousness is also a way of showing that they love each other, because they don't know how to express their love and are afraid that their words and actions will hurt the other person. Otherwise, the family dynamic might be quite different, with frequent disagreements and misunderstandings.

If you don't see the war-torn and smoky scene, it could be an indication that your in-laws have a strong bond and a genuine desire to connect, but may not yet have fully developed the skills to express themselves effectively.

From this perspective, it's possible that your lack of understanding has led you to perceive your wife as having a bad temper, which might have hindered effective communication between you.

In the days to come, consider expressing your love and tolerance without expecting anything in return. When communicating, you might try starting sentences less with the word "you" and more with "we." It might be helpful to avoid judgmental and emotional phrases such as "you should do this" and "why are you acting like this?" and to use neutral words and sentences such as "you can..." and "let's put it another way."

Upon returning home, it would be beneficial to offer your wife a hug and a kiss, regardless of her reaction. Even if she does not respond, it is valuable to share more of the interesting things you have experienced during your day with her.

It might be helpful to consider that your wife may not currently be able to fulfill all of your thoughts and inner needs. It's possible that she is also lacking in love or the ability to express love, which could mean that she is unable to meet all of your emotional needs at this time.

It might be helpful to think of it this way: you're asking a person who is financially constrained to lend you a significant sum of money. Given their circumstances, it's understandable that they're unable to meet your borrowing needs. This is a similar situation.

It is my sincere hope that my analysis will provide you with insight and that you will be able to start living a harmonious and happy family life from now on.

My name is Chu Mingdeng, and I just wanted to say that I love you all around the world.