One year after getting married, I feel less and less like myself. It's hard to be truly happy from the bottom of my heart.

Good day, I have a question for you.

One year after getting married, I feel less and less like myself, and it's challenging to achieve genuine happiness. I commend your perceptiveness. Indeed, I'm experiencing a shift in my identity, and I'll feel unhappy.

It is challenging for a newlywed to balance their own needs with those of their mother-in-law. In addition to the inherent differences in interests and control dynamics, there are also significant discrepancies in family backgrounds and the ways in which they interact with others and the world. Consequently, cohabitation often entails navigating numerous challenges.

Therefore, whether it is an intimate relationship or a relationship between a daughter-in-law and her mother-in-law, it is necessary to make certain compromises. In order to maintain a positive working relationship, it is essential to regularly assess which aspects you are willing to prioritize and which you are prepared to concede.

It is important to maintain your position and set clear boundaries. If you allow yourself to be pushed beyond your limits, the relationship will eventually become unbalanced and may even break down. A relationship is like a dance: if you allow yourself to be pushed around, you will lose your footing, and your partner will do the same.

Let's revisit the topic of emotions. There is no absolute right or wrong when it comes to emotions. When you have emotions, it is important to be aware of what is really going on. Just entering into marriage, a new life, a new relationship, and a new environment are all challenges. There are a thousand things to do, and you may not know how to handle them. At this time, being aware of your emotions is the most effective way. You can express happiness, joy, pleasure, distress, and anger. If you only express annoyance and unhappiness, but not happiness, it will also frustrate the other person. Expressing only positive emotions and suppressing your negative emotions will also have negative consequences.

I extend my deepest sympathies to you.

Hello. I can see you're in pain. I'm a counselor, and I'd like to talk about what I understand from a psychological perspective.

Marriage is about two people coming together to create a new family. Since your new home is not finished and you are living with your in-laws, your mother-in-law is helping your new family, but she is also affecting your nuclear family.

This may be uncomfortable. Talk to your husband about your little family. Your original families are second.

You can listen to your mother-in-law, but you still need to discuss specific practices with your husband.

You also need to express your feelings and let your husband know about them. Perhaps because of his mother's influence, your husband may be used to relying on others. This is something you need to communicate. When you start a family and build a career, you also need to let him change roles. He needs to learn to take responsibility and care for his wife.

Guide them slowly and negotiate together. This also requires adjustment. However, boundaries must be clear. Otherwise, your lives will continue to be disturbed.

I'm happy you're speaking up. You're experiencing this firsthand. Suppressed feelings lead to negativity. Expressing and setting boundaries helps you coordinate family relationships. Learn to love yourself before you can love your family. Don't suppress your feelings. Express them and set boundaries. Be powerful!

From a communication perspective, it is evident that your mother-in-law's conduct remains at a certain level. Your intentions are not erroneous, but the approach and skills employed are inappropriate. It is permissible to become angry, but it is crucial to maintain composure when interacting with elders. The issue lies in the fact that your peers have not managed the situation effectively. It is advisable for you and your husband to engage in negotiation first. In the event that this proves futile, it is not an excessive measure to involve the elders. It is important to limit the number of individuals involved in the matter, as our self-discipline and moral standards dictate that there are still numerous ways to address the situation, including displaying vulnerability and conveying distress, or exerting pressure.

The suggestions are intended as a point of reference only. The world connects us all. Best regards,

What a wonderful question! I'm so grateful to have met you.

After reading your words, I didn't understand the reason either. I just felt the same as you: "My mother-in-law is right, it's all for the best, but I just don't feel comfortable about it." After reading it again, I kind of understand why.

Let's dive into this topic together!

Having emotions is a sign that something is wrong. This reminds me of a common saying in life: "This is for your own good." A single sentence makes you have to listen to their arrangements and choices, but these arrangements and choices do not respect you, nor do they consider your feelings. After all, these arrangements are based on the parents' habits and preferences, and the parents are not you.

Now that you look back at the problem you described, I think you will understand why your mother-in-law is doing what she is doing for your own good, and you will see that it is for the best! It is true that your mother-in-law's words and actions are for the sake of your little family and for your own good.

However, the conflict between you and your husband has escalated since she got involved. In fact, your mother-in-law's behavior has crossed the line. This is your chance to resolve your conflicts internally!

Your husband told your mother-in-law about the problems you two have, and she came to you to resolve them. Your husband also didn't respect you. By doing this, your husband is essentially bringing someone in to help him resolve the conflict between you two. Your mother-in-law lectured you, and you naturally felt aggrieved.

At the same time, she didn't say anything bad about you! She did say that you need to change, though. This means that she has ideas about how you can improve. She also said that you need to learn from your daughter-in-law and know how to coax her husband. This is a great opportunity for you to learn from your sister-in-law and see how you can be even better!

Even if she later said that she treated you like a daughter and your sister-in-law like a daughter-in-law, you would still feel uncomfortable. In saying this, I think you know the reason why you feel uncomfortable. Many things are mixed together with emotions, so you can't tell which emotion it is or how uncomfortable you are. But here's the good news! You know what you need to do to feel better.

Now that we've identified the source of your discomfort, let's dive in and work together to solve this problem!

1. Be sure to express your feelings to your husband as much as you can! It's also a great idea to agree with him that you'll resolve any conflicts between you two behind closed doors without involving a third party.

2. Affirm your mother-in-law's intentions, and at the same time tell her that you two will have some teething problems when you first get married, and that you will handle it yourselves. Thank your mother-in-law for her concern.

3. Be more aware of your emotions, express your feelings consistently, see your inner needs, satisfy yourself more, and love yourself. Affirm yourself more, praise yourself every day, and write down at least three of your strengths.

4. Get out there and have some fun! Find a hobby, make friends, and get away from the everyday grind. You deserve your own space to live your life to the fullest!

5. Learn some communication skills and learn to manage intimate relationships. It'll be one of the best decisions you ever make!

I really hope my answer is helpful to you! I wish you the absolute best!

Hi, I'm Jialan.

After reading your account, I'd like to share my views and suggestions in the hope that they'll be helpful to you!

From what you've said, I get the impression that you're a mother-in-law-is-very-strong-and-unreasonable-she-pretends-to-be-pitiful-and-aggrieved-in-front-of-her-husband-and-cries-20179.html" target="_blank">reasonable and kind person who thinks about others. You're a good person who deserves to be treasured.

Next, let's look at why you've lost yourself in your marriage and can't be happy. You mainly talk about your relationship with your husband, mother-in-law, and indirectly, your sister-in-law.

Why are we so bothered by what our mothers-in-law say? I'd say your mother-in-law is pretty tactful. She didn't say you should change your temperament or that you should let your husband have his way. She said you should coax your husband. It's true that men, like women, need to be coaxed.

So, why are we still unhappy even though my mother-in-law says she treats us like her own daughters? It's only natural, really, because she should say that to her son.

Just picture how you'd feel if your mother-in-law criticized your husband and he came over to comfort you.

You say there aren't any major conflicts during the week, but you still feel aggrieved. I give you a warm hug.

Because it's you, there are no major conflicts. If there were major conflicts with your personality, it would be a big deal. And it's also because of you that you'll be self-oppressed.

How does this happen? It's because your personal boundaries are being crossed in your daily life.

It's pretty straightforward. Let's say we're about to wash the dishes but an important message comes in. We start replying to the message, planning to finish replying to it and then wash the dishes. Then our husband or mother-in-law tells us to go wash the dishes. We feel unhappy inside. This is what's known as "destruction by urging" or "passivity."

When we're pushed, we feel a sense of mistrust. When the initiative becomes passive, everything changes.

As you said, "I don't like it when someone forces me to do things according to their standards. Isn't that being petty and pretentious? Obviously, his mother is teaching me for the sake of our family, but why do I feel uncomfortable? I'm becoming less and less like the person I used to be, less and less confident, and I feel so bad about myself." You don't like being morally blackmailed and don't like being lectured. This is only common sense. In Chinese-style education, most of us who come from our original families are the same.

But that doesn't mean you're bad. I want to emphasize again that you're very good, really.

So, how can we make things better?

First, you need to negotiate with your husband that in the future, you will resolve your conflicts internally.

When you have a conflict with your husband, talk about it. Tell him how his actions make you feel and what you'd like him to do differently.

Give your mother-in-law some recognition. Tell her she's amazing, great, and that she raised such an outstanding son. Let her know she's on your side.

④ Recognize your husband's strengths, correct his weaknesses, and make the most of his strengths.

fifth, it's important to have your own circle of friends and preferences, and to do more things that make you happy.

It's also a good idea to go out more often when you get home, attend some activities you enjoy, and catch up with friends you get along with.

Treat yourself well first, and you'll be in a good place to take care of others.

Wishing you a happy, healthy, and prosperous new year!