Parents are not good to their children. Do parents really not realize this themselves, or is it just a ploy?

Hello. I'll give you a 360-degree hug.

After reading your question and some of your feedback, I can say with confidence that your father may not realize he's being mean to you. He has his own logic, which is probably different from yours.

You think you need money for travel expenses to go to work. You just graduated and don't have an income yet. You expect your parents to give you some money to get you started.

Your father thinks he's raised you well. He's wrong. You can't even manage this, and you still have the nerve to ask me for money.

Your two systems are just as incompatible as Apple and Android. Putting them together will inevitably lead to conflict. They speak different languages.

We are incompatible with strangers on the street, classmates in the same class, and colleagues at work.

The issue is that your relationship is that of father and son, a Chinese-style father-son bond shaped by centuries of tradition. The child is expected to be dutiful to his parents, and the parents want the child to heed their guidance. While theoretically, the child can be disobedient, what is implied here is not unfilial behavior.

Children can and do disobey their parents.

But the fact is, we have already flown to Mars, and yet our sense of morality and our views on filial piety have actually remained stuck in the past.

You ask how to deal with people like your father. I will share my views for your reference.

First, accept the situation, or resign yourself to it, and give up hope as soon as possible.

You'll only suffer if you try to change what you cannot change. Take, for example, a parent of a child who may be a PUA.

However, attempting to change the other person is often futile. Just like your father, he likely doesn't believe he's at fault, particularly not in regard to you.

If you keep hoping that the other person will change, you'll never take action to make your life better. You'll think your life will only change for the better when the other person changes.

The other party may never change, not in this lifetime. He'll definitely change his mind in the future if he says now that he doesn't want you to support him. I hold the same attitude.

He will change. It's just a matter of time. We often say that people can suddenly change dramatically under certain stimuli, but this is mostly the case and cannot be sought.

I have always believed that the best course of action is to accept the unchangeable, to not dwell on it, and to simply consider it a bad hand.

Then take action.

Second, accepting one's fate is not about lying down and doing nothing. It's about not dwelling on it and seeing what you can do.

You say that you cannot work because your father won't give you any money. You also say that he won't let you work.

You don't have to listen to your father.

You need to take a step back and see the big picture. Your father won't give you any money, you don't have any travel expenses, you don't have any start-up capital, and you still have your mother and sister at home who need your care. You need to find a job near home, regardless of the profession, and save up some travel expenses first.

Get some odd jobs done and save up for your journey. Then you can go out and find workers.

You also said that your mother and sister still need your care. I don't know the specifics, but I want to understand if you're unable to get away from it or if it's just ordinary companionship.

You also said that even if you earn money and become independent, your father may still come back and pester you. It is indeed possible, but if you are afraid of being pestered, you will not become independent. You will remain passive.

If you are financially independent, able to take care of your mother and sister, and even support the family, you will have more say in the family. Money often has a loud voice, and you will be heard.

It doesn't matter whether your father realizes he's being bad to you or if he's a deliberate PUA. What matters is that his words and actions hurt you, and there's nothing you can do about it.

You have no choice but to take action. Don't struggle, don't dwell, don't resign yourself to your fate, and don't give up. Take action to give yourself, your mother, and your sister a different future.

All the root causes cannot solve the problems in reality. Take action. Earn money. With money, you will have the means and be able to do more things.

I am both Buddhist and pessimistic, an occasionally positive and motivated counselor, and I love the world.

Reading this text makes me feel so hopeful! It's clear that the father and child have a deep connection and care deeply for each other. Despite the father's disappointment in his child and the child's disappointment in the father, it seems that they have placed some of their hopes for life on each other.

My father posted an amazing video about how hardworking parents are, and now he's a little disappointed in his children.

I really don't know what he could be disappointed in!

The child was so eager to respond to his father's "shout" that he did so in private. Does the questioner think that your private response can be received by your father?

Just as:

Does your father understand that you didn't go out to find a job because you believed him when he said, "The jobs you look for are all scams," and you were afraid he would worry, so you didn't go out to find a job again and were forced to stay at home?

Your father understands you! So, why do you care so much about something he probably just said casually about breaking off relations with you?

Similarly, the questioner understands himself, and in thinking that his father has cut off contact with him, why does the father still think that the child should feel a deep emotional connection with him?

"He may nag me for the rest of my life, and now he says every day that he doesn't need me to support him, but he will definitely change his mind when he gets old." Yes, the questioner "reads" the complete opposite meaning in her father's words, and it's pretty amazing!

Maybe your father's "disappointment" is actually another form of "delight"? Only your father knows what kind of "delight" it is, and it could be anything!

Bring things to the table and make sure both sides understand, even if it means arguing. It'll be worth it in the end! If neither side is willing to listen, take the "severing of ties" remark seriously and just go your separate ways.

You and your father have also reached the "fork in the road," which means you get to choose a new path!

I really hope my reply has been helpful for you! Wishing you all the best!

Hello!

"I'd really love to understand what's going on in this person's mind! Is he truly unaware of how irresponsible he is, or is he just pretending?

"And he may nag me for the rest of my life. He says every day that he doesn't need me to support him, but he'll definitely change his mind when he's old. How should I deal with someone like that?" Let's sort this out together!

It's truly heartbreaking to see such extreme cases of father-son relationships on TV shows. I saw one recently where the son cut off contact with his parents after graduating from university. It's so sad to see a lack of communication until death.

Later, the elderly parents found their son with the help of the TV crew! But sadly, the son still refused to meet.

Let's dive into why the relationship between father and son can sometimes be so tense! There are a few reasons why this might be the case.

(1) Parents are so excited for their children to grow up and fulfill their dreams!

When they were young, parents may have had some dreams and pursuits that they were unable to achieve due to their own circumstances or those of the environment. But after having children, they get to devote most of their attention to educating and caring for them! They hope that their children will be able to fulfill their wishes when they grow up.

It's important to remember that most parents have some expectations of their children. And that's okay! We all have hopes and dreams for our kids, and it's natural to want the best for them.

(2) Parents' imperfect character

From the description, it's clear that the father is a person with a lot of serious emotions. His relationship with his mother could be better, and he could work better too. From these things, we can see that the father's self-identity wasn't fully established during his youth. This means he didn't integrate his understanding of the advantages and disadvantages of his self and his abilities. He also didn't know what he needed and how to satisfy his needs.

In middle age, a crisis is encountered, leading to an opportunity for a fresh start in life, family, and work.

Once you hit 25, your personality is pretty much set in stone. And that's a good thing! Your character and temperament are there to guide you through life. So, take a look at your father. He's outgoing, emotional, and impulsive. He's got a choleric personality. And guess what? That's okay! It's not easy to change your personality, but it's also not something to worry about.

(3) Parents always want to be in control

Parents have the amazing opportunity to guide, encourage, and accompany their children as they embark on their journey into adolescence. It's important to remember that children are individual beings with unique needs and desires. While raising them, parents can create a supportive environment where their children can flourish.

(4) Not being able to reasonably express their expectations of their children

The father may be someone who is not good at expressing his emotions and needs, which is why the marital and parent-child relationships are tense. But there's no reason why this can't change!

It's time to dive in and figure out the best way forward! The questioner wants to know how to get along with her father, and we're here to help. Let's look at some suggestions on how to make this happen!

(1) Financial independence

Financial independence is the first step to becoming a mature adult. When you become financially independent, your father will see you as an equal. Once you're on equal footing, you can calm down and communicate with each other. To achieve this, you need to step outside the home, find a job, and go out into society to experience life.

(2) It's important to distinguish between responsibilities.

You've already graduated from university, and your father is ready to move on from funding your postgraduate studies. He's proud of you and your achievements! It's now up to you to decide whether or not you want to pursue postgraduate studies.

Similarly, the father has the exciting opportunity to shape his relationship with the mother in a way that is true to himself. In families where the relationship between husband and wife could use some improvement, one or both parents may transfer their emotions to the children, and find it a challenge to let go. This can lead to some children wanting to explore their independence, while others remain close to their parents even as adults.

It is your duty and responsibility to support your parents. And you can do it! Even if you are not able to do so now and your parents do not need your support, it does not mean that you will not need to support them in the future.

In the future, you should definitely give them material and spiritual comfort within your abilities!

A family needs to each play its own role, with parents acting like parents and children acting like children, connected to each other, so that the relationship does not become rigid. This is a wonderful way to ensure that everyone gets the love and attention they deserve!

(3) Accepting our father

The father's "acting" may be an attempt to take the initiative at home and attract the attention of family members. The arrogance on the surface hides a deep inferiority complex and self-rejection, but there's so much more to him than that!

As mentioned earlier, it is difficult to change the other person. But you can do it! Accept him and know that he is just the way he is.

Once you start thinking this way, you'll find yourself lowering your expectations of him. And as you do, you'll feel less disappointment and hurt—it's a wonderful thing!

(4) Be your own master and satisfy your own needs!

You are the master of your own destiny! Parents can be a useful social resource, but if they are willing to help, that's great; if not, there's no need to force the issue. You can be independent of your parents and still rely on them.

The father will eventually come to realize that it's time to let go. He'll see that he's been drifting further and further away from his children, and that his disappointment is just the beginning of a natural process. He'll shift his focus to himself as he plans for his later years. The questioner will also come to understand that they have the exciting opportunity to make choices in their lives, and that they are responsible for their own choices.

I'm so excited to share these suggestions with you! They're just a few ideas to get you started.

I really hope they can help you! Wishing you all the best!

Hello, question asker! I'm Shushan Wenquan. Let's learn to be our own spiritual gardeners and watch over the spring blossoms and autumn fruits!

In your text, you list three examples of your father's bad behavior towards you: not giving you money to take the postgraduate entrance exam, not giving you start-up funds for your job; saying that you are disconnected from society because you didn't get a job after graduating from university; saying that he wants to cut off ties with you because of a trivial matter; and some of his "bad" behavior over the past decade; as well as him retweeting a video expressing his disappointment in his children because of how hard their parents work.

It seems like you're saying that he has no right to make these demands on you and that there's a reason for some of your current "bad" behavior. So, you want to know "what is going on in the mind of such a person" and "how should I deal with such a person."

If you meet such a father, first of all, understand your disappointment and worry. Secondly, he feels at a loss for words about this parent-child relationship between you (I don't know your gender, so I'm guessing it might be a boy). This is a relationship problem involving multiple subjects. As a bystander, I can only share a few points with you when the information is not very comprehensive:

1. As I read your words, I thought of all the "bad fathers" I've seen around me.

These dads aren't great at expressing their feelings and tend to have a short fuse, which leads to a lot of communication issues. For instance, they get angry easily, and both mom and the kids avoid them as a result.

This has led to a kind of division in family emotions, with mothers and children on one side and fathers feeling somewhat isolated from them.

These dads usually didn't get much maternal love when they were kids, so they're a bit emotionally lacking. It's tough for them to empathize with others. Some of them try to get more attention throughout their lives to fill the void of maternal love in their hearts.

At the same time, they're also influenced by traditional values and want to be filial to their mothers.

It often seems as though these fathers are "incompetent" compared to their mothers. They don't earn as much as their mothers, don't seem to contribute enough to the family, and don't even have a decent job.

The game has even gone so far as to include outrageous things like "extramarital affairs." In short, it seems a bit superfluous.

If we understand the image of the "bad father," we can have more understanding of their behavior and psychology. They are actually quite difficult. They have both their innate wounds and are not good at expressing themselves. They have limited abilities and at the same time have to consider their face as a man.

But change isn't a one-way street, and it's not easy. We can only do what we can do, keep the lines of communication open, and try to prevent this conflict from deepening.

You said you want to "sever the parent-child relationship," but I think you're just saying that. Blood ties are tough to break, and they play an important role in how we grow up. From your long-term interests and your family's interests, you might be able to:

2. Move away from the "team" mindset, get to know your father with a fresh perspective, and communicate with him more effectively.

It's great you have a good relationship with your mother and sister and trust them. However, taking sides might not be the best way to solve problems and could even make family conflicts worse.

As a university student, have you ever felt wary of your father and looked at him with a displeased gaze? Do you understand what he has done for you behind his back?

From what you said, it seems like your father still has high hopes for you to go to university. But after you graduated, you didn't get the job you wanted, and you ended up staying at home. I guess that's a bit disappointing for him.

You can talk to him about it, understand his disappointment, and look at some objective reasons. For example, in recent years, due to the impact of the epidemic, what is the general environment like? There are many college students who are unemployed like you, and this is not a disconnection from society.

You can also talk about your future plans so that he understands your current actions and sees hope for the future.

3. Looking ahead means putting in even more effort: "Judge yourself as you would judge others, and forgive others as you would like to be forgiven."

If we think about it, as family members, have we also achieved a direct proportionality between "gaining and giving"? Are we the "perfect" existence in their hearts?

It's easy to blame others, even for a three-year-old can do it. But taking responsibility is a sign of maturity.

It's not just about being nice to each other. It's about being family and treating each other with respect.

I don't know how bad your father is, but from what you've said and the way you speak, it seems like we may be treating relationships based more on the idea that "you are good enough for me, and you are only worthy of my kindness if you are good to me."

As an adult, the fastest way to make a change in the world is to make a change in yourself. Looking ahead, I think what you can do to benefit you and your whole family is to take responsibility for yourself, do what you can, change what you can, and accept or forgive what you can.

I wish you the best of luck at work and happiness at home!

Hello, I'm Jiang 61.

First of all, thank you for trusting us and being willing to tell us about your troubles. After reading your detailed description, it's clear that this is a very distressing situation.

He feels the same way you do. No matter what you do, you can't please him. I'm here for you. It's not your fault to have such a father.

Let's take a look at why the father did this and what he was thinking.

1. Family

1. Father

Personality:

Your father is a bit of a grump who doesn't get much done. He's always been a dominant figure in your eyes, often threatening and money-minded. He gives you very little love, including for things like food and clothes.

He always wants you to do things his way, which gets in the way of your studies and life. It also causes you to slip in your grades, which should have been very good.

From what you've told me, it seems like your father is quite controlling and aggressive.

A controlling person wants others to respect them, listen to them, and not have their own opinions. If they don't get what they want, they'll get angry.

A radical personality is characterized by:

He's got a strong will, he's action-oriented, he's energetic, and he's achievement-oriented.

On the plus side, he's courageous and decisive, perseveres to the end, undaunted by difficulties, and highly self-disciplined.

Weaknesses: He gets angry easily, doesn't think about how his actions affect others, is stubborn, arrogant, and lazy.

Fathers tend to value respect more than anything else. People with an aggressive personality are used to taking charge and having a strong desire for control. They often pursue achievements and are used to pointing out the situation, interfering with and controlling your actions and thoughts.

He's also stubborn, tramples on dignity, and arrogant because he lacks compassion. When you and your mom make him feel his authority is threatened, he'll threaten you with disconnection, videos, and running away from home instead of acknowledging your existence and his authority. His strong-mindedness and desire for power are actually a result of his insecurity. He hopes that you'll recognize him so he can feel secure.

Video

You said, "My father posted a video saying that parents work hard and are now very disappointed in their children. I'm not sure what he's disappointed in."

It seems you don't fully grasp the father's motivation for posting the video, nor do you understand what he was disappointed about. According to Satir's iceberg theory, the father had his reasons and motives for posting the video.

? Purpose

I think the reason he posted the video is to show you how much he cares and how hard he's worked. He has high expectations of you, and you haven't met them.

What's driving him?

From what we can see, the father is trying to get your attention by posting the video. He wants the community to support and understand him. The father is looking at the relationship between you and him in terms of expectations and disappointments from his perspective.

His expectations of you should be the expectations of others.

Expect

One of the things your father wants you to understand is that he has worked hard to raise you. He wants you to study hard, become successful, and listen to him. He believes that's the best way to repay him and show him you love him.

Otherwise, I'll be disappointed in you.

2. You

Character

You're a well-behaved child who listens to your parents and rarely disobeys them. However, you've grown up and have your own thoughts. Your father doesn't care much about your life or studies, but he's very focused on money, which interferes with your studies and causes your academic performance to decline.

You've had arguments with your father because you want to be independent, and he's stopped you from doing so by cutting off contact.

From what I can see, your personality is that of a blaming, melancholic personality.

People who are accusatory often ignore others, are used to attacking and criticizing, and blame others for their own shortcomings. "It's all your fault," "What's wrong with you?" are their catchphrases.

From what you've said, it seems that accusatory people usually fail alone, but they prefer to isolate themselves from others and maintain their authority. So, your previous confrontations with your father and the complaints and accusations of his faults in most of your narratives show that you rarely look for the cause in yourself, but are accustomed to blaming others, especially your father, for what they do.

A melancholic personality is defined by the following characteristics:

Thoughtful, highly sensitive, idealistic, and always looking for the truth and beauty in things.

On the plus side, you're delicate and perceptive, loyal and reliable, talented, and insightful.

Weaknesses: obsessive, indecisive, self-centered, pessimistic, and passive.

So, you're sensitive to how your father treats you. Because you're so accusatory, you're full of complaints, even against your father, and refuse to obey his commands.

What are you hoping for?

You expect yourself to have a good job and to get away from your father, who is very controlling.

You also have a lot of expectations of your father, including having your own space. When you are revising for exams, you hope he won't disturb you. When you take the postgraduate entrance exam, you hope he will give you the money for the exam. When you first start working, you hope he will give you support such as start-up funds and travel expenses.

From Satir's iceberg theory, these are all your expectations of others.

2. Root causes

1. Conflict of personalities

You'd have a disagreement over the smallest things, and if you didn't listen to your father, he'd cut you off, which shows the tension in your relationship. The first reason for the disagreement is your father's strong personality, his love of bossing people around, and his insecurity, which led to conflict with your accusatory personality. The second reason is also your communication style, which basically involves both of you talking things over from your own point of view, resulting in a situation of mutual incomprehension.

2. Conflict of expectations

The father wants you to be a good son and follow his rules. You want to have a good job and some space to show off your talents.

You'd like your father to give you some space and financial support.

It's clear that your expectations aren't aligned, which has led to some conflicts in the family. You've also been experiencing some emotional changes, like arguing, intimidation, and complaining.

3. Poor communication

You've added a lot of life episodes to the front, which express your mood and relationship with your father. I can tell you're holding a lot of resentment, and it's pretty deep. It seems like there's a gap in expectations, personality issues, and a lack of good communication.

3. How to improve your relationship with your father

1. Manage your emotions

By managing your emotions, you can understand them, accept them, express them, and even develop them. Don't let your emotions control you.

It's important to recognize your emotions.

This is the first step in managing your emotions. When you have an emotion, identify what it is: anxiety, anger, sadness, etc.

It's important to accept your emotions.

Healthy emotions are in line with the situation. When your emotions match the situation, you can say to yourself, "This is a normal feeling." This is accepting emotions.

This will help reduce emotional tension and naturally restore calm.

It's important to express your emotions.

Emotional expression is about sharing your own feelings. It's usually done by saying "I" and using phrases like "I feel...", "my feelings are...".

It's important to learn to manage your emotions.

To manage your emotions, you need to put in the work. There are a few ways you can practice and cultivate this, so you can handle all aspects of your emotions and learn to grow.

(1) Living a regular life is also a great way to keep your emotions in check.

2) Find something you enjoy doing in your free time. Let positive emotions drive you, love yourself and love life, and feel the beauty of life.

3) Look after others and care for them. Let love dwell in your heart. Helping others is the greatest joy. Let people help themselves.

4) Connecting with nature and taking in the essence of heaven and earth can help open your heart and soothe and stabilize your emotions.

5) Spend time with people who are emotionally stable to help keep your emotions in check.

2. Effective communication

You and your father could stand to improve your communication skills. It seems like you both have your own ideas and perspectives, which can lead to misunderstandings. Using congruent communication will help you understand each other better and reach a consensus, so you can resolve any issues.

Satir's therapeutic model says that when you're communicating with someone, the words you use and the way you act should match your feelings. This way, you show respect to yourself, to the other person, and to the situation.

This model of human speech shows an inner awareness, with expression and speech in line, inner harmony and balance, and a relatively high sense of self-worth.

Here are some examples of how you can communicate consistently: After a while, you'll find you can communicate consistently. Here are some tips for doing so:

When you...

Describe the situation as it is, without getting into accusations or emotions.

I feel...

Be clear about your current feelings and emotions.

I hope this helps.

Be clear about what you want the other person to do and why. Make sure your expectations are specific, actionable, and visible.

I think…

Tell me what you're looking for in this situation.

For instance, when I saw the video you posted, I felt pretty sad and upset. I haven't let you down as much as you say, but I've tried hard to make you happy. I hope you can understand how I felt after seeing the video and clear up any misunderstandings between us.

Let's go to the kitchen and talk. I think you love me and are willing to listen. Let's discuss how I should move forward.

Your father might not be able to accept this way of communicating at first, but if you communicate sincerely and without emotions or accusations, he'll eventually see that you're being respectful.

3. Empathy

Learning to empathize with others' emotions in communication is key to effective communication. Dad posted the video because he felt that you couldn't understand him, didn't respect him or listen to him, and that he'd taken extreme measures in response to your attitude towards him out of anger.

If you show you understand what he's feeling and why he posted the video, he'll worry you'll get rid of him. You can share your own feelings and thoughts.

You've grown up and want to be independent, and you don't dismiss his thoughts. In the future, he'll still need to be the gatekeeper for important matters, so let him know you understand and appreciate him, that you need him, and that you value him.

I'm not going to make things difficult for you.

4. Expectation convergence

There's a gap between what you want and what he's offering, so you need to build a bridge of love.

Building a bridge of love

It's an expression of love and one of the five languages of love.

We all have different ideas about love, and we express and receive it in different ways. Dr. Gary Chapman has identified five main "languages of love": "affirming words," "moments of intimacy," "exchanging gifts," "acts of service," and "physical touch."

Affirming words are a great way to show your appreciation.

We all need praise and affirmation from friends, colleagues, lovers, and spouses. The more positive feedback we give each other, the stronger our feelings will be.

Special moments

A moment of care is a great time shared between two people, like a romantic dinner or doing something special together. During this time, focus on the other person.

Be open to accepting gifts.

Giving and receiving gifts on special occasions is a ritual that can really strengthen a relationship.

Service actions

In short, do what your colleague wants you to do and make them happy through the services you provide in life. Such service actions are often the little things in life.

? Physical contact

Physical contact like holding hands and hugging can make us feel more affection for each other and is a way of showing love.

You can use the five languages of love in all kinds of family relationships, like between parents and kids, siblings, or parents and their kids. If you use them right, your family relationships will be great.

Once you've identified your own five languages of love, you can ask your partner what theirs are. Once you know their favorite language, you can act accordingly.

Be open to finding common ground.

You've adjusted your own mentality and emotions, and you've also communicated well with your father in advance. You've built a bridge of love and expressed your wish for your father to give you more room to grow.

Your father's expectations for you aren't in conflict with your own. You have the space to develop yourself, which gives you more opportunities to be autonomous and to use your talents to achieve the results you want. And only when you have achieved the results you want can you repay your father.

So, your expectations are the same as your father's.

5. Let it go.

Once you understand where your emotions are coming from, it's time to accept them, let go of them, let go of any blame, reconcile with your past, and reconcile with your father's past grievances. Letting go means letting the past go, so that you can feel at ease and move forward with a light heart.

I really hope you can understand what happened, stop worrying about past grudges, learn to manage your emotions, and be in control of them.

I wish the original poster all the best and much happiness and joy!

Hello, dear questioner!

It's been over a year since you left university, and you've had a chance to experience the ups and downs of life. You're handling postgraduate studies on your own, and you have a father and grandmother like this. Right now, you're not 100% satisfied with your life. I can see your worry about the future, especially about getting along with your father. I'm here for you, and I'm sending you lots of hugs!

I can see how your father's video about being disappointed in his children triggered so many thoughts and feelings for you. It's understandable that it made you think a lot about the future. I can also see how when your father didn't go out of the province to work, there were a lot of challenges between you. It's tough, especially with the pandemic, the postgraduate entrance exam, and all the time you've spent at home with your parents. Sending lots of hugs your way!

I totally get it. The text you shared and the feedback you got, even though it was a lot, is really hard to put into words. It's like you're trying to describe the bumps and bruises in your lives over the past few years. But you know what? Life goes on, and we have to face it. You're here looking for help to build a better life and to understand your dad's psychology. For your future lives and your long-term plans for yourself, as well as your awareness of life, I give you a big thumbs up!

It's so great that you're here looking for help! It shows that you're ready to fight for a better future. And I truly believe that the more prepared you are, the more likely you are to turn your life around.

So, how should you deal with this situation? I'm here to help! I'll share my knowledge to help you plan for your future.

First, focus on choosing your own current lifestyle.

I noticed that you mentioned various situations last year when you took the postgraduate entrance exam. I described your question as follows: Are you preparing for the postgraduate entrance exam at home this year as well? Since you said that you were forced to stay at home and not look for a job, I think that you are currently not living with your father, because you said that your father is working in another province. So, I was wondering if it would be possible for you to change your current living situation according to your own ideas?

Dad also has some concerns about you going out to work, and you do have some valid reasons at home, so it's understandable that you can't move forward or backward. In this situation, I think it's important to consider Dad's emotions.

If we decide to continue studying at home, we should try our best to study for the postgraduate entrance exam for less than three months without being distracted. It might be hard, but we can do it! Dad's friends are on the line, so try not to see them or ignore them if you do see them.

If you're not ready to take the postgraduate entrance exam, no problem! Just get a job as soon as you can. I saw that you said your father only told you to cut ties because he was afraid of giving you money. If he won't give you the start-up funds for a job, we can always find one in your hometown.

I'm sure you'll find a job after graduating from university, as long as you're willing to work.

Secondly, once you've found your own path in life, you can be at peace in your dad's heart.

I know it can be tough to feel like you're ready to take on the world when you're still learning to settle into your life. But when you've found a place where you feel like you're truly at home, it's so important to remember that you're responsible for your own happiness. If you're blaming your family for your struggles, you might need to take a step back and ask yourself if you're really ready to take on the world.

I think if you look again at all of Dad's behavior, you'll see things differently. Have you read Adler's The Psychology of Inferiority and Pride? It's a great book! He talks about three major themes in our lives: our own, other people's, and the will of God. You should read it sometime.

As you grow in self-awareness and knowledge of psychology, you'll be able to step outside of your own affairs and view the relationship between you and your parents from an outsider's perspective. You'll be able to see what your father is doing and understand what is going on in his heart. What others say is ultimately not deep, but I hope you can explore it yourself through learning.

And third, remember this: don't worry about the future, don't dwell on the past, just live in the present.

It's totally normal to worry about how you'll get along with your dad in the future. It's also normal to worry that after you earn money, your dad will ask you for it, and to worry that your parents will divorce your mom. We know that couples who want to divorce can think about it a lot. But it's not easy to divorce just because you think about it. Your thoughts aren't necessarily reality. Don't be afraid of this. We live in the present, and we can change ourselves through our own efforts. We can find a job that makes us feel valued or get into the school we want to go to. Our lives change, our state of mind changes, and it will also change your little family. You've brought a little light into your little family, and this light will slowly become brighter and brighter.

You can do it! Believe in your abilities! When your heart is strong, you can deal with everything!

And don't forget, the world and I love you!

I can really feel your anger, sadness, helplessness, and frustration in your words. From what you've told me,

It's totally normal to have some issues with your dad, we all do!

I'd like to ask you a few questions first, if you don't mind. 1. You're 21 years old, almost an adult. You're thinking of taking the postgraduate entrance exam. Should your father give you money for that?

Or did you think that your father was right and give up that job, just staying at home? 3. Since you don't have a job, do you continue to study at home?

You mentioned earlier that your father didn't give you money and that you had to study while being distracted. Now that you don't have a job, you can study again! I'm sure you'll find a way to make the most of your time at home. You also said that because you didn't listen to your father, he said he wanted to cut off ties with you. I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sure it's not easy, but I'm here to support you in any way I can.

Then the father said he was very disappointed in the child. Do you think that if you treat your father coldly, the responsibility is all on the father? Well, the situation is not very clear, but since it is a trivial matter, even if the father says he wants to sever ties, has he actually taken any action to do so?

For example, did he ever not give money for meals? 5. You said that in the past 10 years, he has always liked to shout and go crazy, and has a certain tendency to violence.

I just wanted to check: did he ever hit your mother? I'm asking because I'm really interested in understanding your assessment of his violent tendencies. Is it based on yelling, or is there more to it?

I'm just wondering, did he actually hit her? If he did, I'd love to know if you sought help from the Women's Federation, the police station, or the community.

6. I see that you commented that your father is irresponsible. I'm wondering if you could tell me what you think the criteria for being responsible is?

I'm just wondering who told you this standard? Did your mother or something give you this idea?

I often read in the news about fathers raising their children by scavenging. I can only imagine how difficult it must be for them to put food on the table, living in the open air and sleeping in the wind. Do you think fathers like that are responsible? 7. You said your father has always been in debt and has never worked properly.

I'd love to know what you think a proper job is. Do you think a proper job is just constantly changing jobs?

I just want to make sure you're thinking about the future. If you keep running up debts, who is going to pay them off? I know your father earns money, but it seems like his mother takes it all.

I'm wondering if there might be some tension between you and your grandmother. I noticed you never mentioned her, but instead referred to her as "his mother." It's totally understandable to feel some resentment, and I'm here to listen if you'd like to talk about it.

8. What is the psychology of the father that you want to ask now? It can be really tough to understand someone's psychology, especially from just your description. Do you think that if you understand his psychology, you will be able to get rid of him?

I just wanted to check if you've thought about not supporting him when you start earning money in the future? I'm not sure if you're aware, but Chinese law says that even if parents divorce, children are still obliged to support their elderly parents.

9. It seems like you're okay with your parents' divorce, but I'm wondering if that's something your mom decided?

I'm really sorry if my questions have made you feel a bit overwhelmed. I know they're a lot to think about! I just want to say that I'm here for you and I'm not trying to make you feel desperate. I've told you that no matter what, you have to support him, but I'm not trying to make you feel like you have to do it all on your own.

Since this is something that won't change, let's talk about your request for help. My dear child, I'm here for you. I can see that you're struggling with your feelings about your father, but I also see your kindness. You say you don't want to get involved, but you've found reasons why you have to support him in his old age.

You don't have a stable job and you don't earn much money, and you are already thinking about supporting him in his old age. I know you care about your father, and I'm here to help you.

All the questions I've asked are meant to help you think about things from a different point of view. If we change our attitudes and habits, you might find that your father is changing too. When you see your father feeling anxious or irritable, have you ever thought that he's also under a lot of pressure, including the responsibility of supporting the family?

But a lack of ability limits his ability to earn more money and work properly? Instead, he has to think of all kinds of ways to do all kinds of things to earn money?

I just want to remind you to think about these issues from a different perspective, and maybe you will suddenly see the light and stop fretting about your current situation. I know it can be tough, but I'm here to support you!

All roads lead to Rome, as they say. The choice of direction in life is ultimately up to you. Even if you end up choosing according to your father's wishes, remember that you chose according to your father's wishes because that's what you wanted to do. People always have to bear the consequences of their own decisions, so be careful, think about what you really want, and work hard to move forward. You've got this!

Hello. I can tell from your questions that you're struggling with this part of counseling. It's a tough one. You're wondering whether your father is aware of this part and what it means that he isn't. I'm going to answer your questions, but I want you to understand that the answer to every question is in your heart. Our answers may be right or wrong, but you have to find the answer that works for you.

You should also tactfully raise the issue with your father to see if he has the ability to reflect on such behavior. For example, if your father has the ability to reflect, his answer will give you the answer to the ambivalence you wrote about in your post.

Furthermore, as many replies have already stated, the father's character is likely to have lacked communication and reflection during his upbringing. For instance, when a child is young, they are unable to express their unbearable feelings. At this time, they require an empathetic and tolerant mother-like figure to help them contain these emotions. However, if this aspect is lacking, even when they grow up, a person's inner self still does not internalize a mother-like figure. This makes it difficult for them to stay with their uncomfortable feelings. At this time, they may feel like throwing up their bad things and throwing out these uncomfortable feelings. In these situations, the child in the family, as the most vulnerable party, often becomes the scapegoat. Additionally, the next generation of children receive all of their parents' emotions towards them, as well as the children's emotions, which are not accepted, understood, or tolerated. The children's ability to think is also destroyed, and this part is what we usually refer to as intergenerational inheritance.

If you are in this situation and you want to get away from the pain, develop your own independent functions, and grow from the heart, you need to take action. You must cooperate with your father to achieve this. If you do not, you will remain stuck in the family. If you are experiencing distress, you need to develop your own self-functions and establish a better boundary with your father.

After reading your questions and responses, I just had to share some of my feelings with you.

Money

Money is a topic that comes up a lot in your family, and it seems like it can sometimes cause some tension. I might be wrong, but it seems like your dad is the main provider for the family, and it seems like the relationship between him and you is tied up with money. It's like he uses money to maintain his relationship with your mom, too.

I can see that your work and postgraduate studies are also affected by money.

2. Dad is a bit of a pitiful and hateful person, bless him.

Dad is a bit lost when it comes to building relationships with his family. He really wants to connect with them, but he only knows how to use money to try to make things work. Unfortunately, this can make things feel a bit cold, and it's hard for him to get the love and understanding he craves from his mother or from you.

Dad's mindset could be a little higher, bless him.

3. The role you play in the family

You're not only the daughter in the family, but it seems like everything except earning money is on your shoulders. Take this divorce, for example. It was supposed to be your parents' problem, but now it's your concern too.

On top of all that, you're also worried that your sister's child support might become your responsibility one day. It's a lot to take on, and I know you don't want to carry that burden alone.

4. Worried about future entanglements with your father?

It's totally normal to feel worried about future entanglements with your father. Entanglement can happen at two different levels: economic and psychological. The legally stipulated support obligation is unavoidable, but you have the right to refuse entanglement otherwise. This is something you'll think about a lot in the future, and it might take a while for you to feel ready to take on this responsibility.

Firstly, it would be beneficial to offer the original poster a gesture of support. It is evident that you are experiencing feelings of frustration and sadness due to your father's actions and the resulting lack of paternal affection. Additionally, you appear to be uncertain about how to navigate future interactions with your father.

However, it is evident that you are concerned about your father's attitude and opinion of you, which has led to a shift in your self-perception. Your father's actions have prompted you to respond in a similar manner, which is an issue that requires attention.

The original poster's challenge is to determine the best way to interact with this individual.

I believe it would be beneficial for you to gain a better understanding of your father's character.

However, finger-pointing is not an effective conflict resolution strategy. It is an emotional outburst that does not facilitate a productive exchange of information.

I recommend that you attempt to convey your desired message to your father using the framework of non-violent communication (presenting your actions, expressing your feelings, identifying the underlying cause, and outlining your expectations). For instance, during our previous interaction, you expressed a desire to terminate our relationship, which caused me to experience feelings of sadness, helplessness, and disappointment. As your father, I value our relationship and seek your affirmation. I hope that in the future, you can trust and encourage me more than you currently do, rather than rejecting and threatening me. If your father is unable to calm down and listen to you, you can write a letter or send him a recording.

Next, observe how your father responds. If you are certain that he merely desires your assistance, you may wish to seek legal counsel, as children are obliged to provide financial support to their parents. (It should be noted that consultations with lawyers are often affordable, with some offering free services.)

If, through this discussion, we can ascertain each other's intentions and demonstrate mutual respect and understanding, then the issue will be resolved.

Regardless of the outcome, I hope the original poster can understand that self-devaluation is counterproductive regardless of external opinions. The pursuit of postgraduate studies, employment, and personal protection are all commendable goals. Affirming one's own motivations and resisting external influences is crucial for personal growth and development.

I hope you will love yourself more.

Hello!

From what you've told me in your question and in your comments, it seems like you have two main requests:

1. You'd really love to understand what's going on in your father's mind. Do you think he's truly unaware of how irresponsible he is, or is he just putting on a front?

2. If your father continues to get involved with you in the future, how should you get along with him?

I'm going to take a closer look at these two requests and see what I can do to help.

1. Psychological analysis:

1. It's possible that your father has a victim mentality in this situation.

My father posted a video of parents working hard and now being disappointed in their children.

I can see that your father feels he has worked hard and has complaints in his heart.

I think this might be a kind of victim mentality.

He's passed this complaint on to you.

He's hoping that all his hard work will be rewarded with your success.

It's so sad when people feel like their hard work has been in vain. I really feel for him when he feels like this.

I'm really sorry to say that this is treating you as the perpetrator.

He's become a victim of hard work, poor guy.

He's worked so hard for you, and he feels like you haven't rewarded him. It's a tough spot to be in, but I'm here to help.

2. It can be so hard when we find ourselves in the position of abusing others, especially when we have previously been on the receiving end of abuse ourselves.

You graduate and take the postgraduate entrance exam, but he's not able to give you money.

You work hard, but he doesn't give you money for travel. He also says that the jobs you find are all scams.

You were looking for a job, but it didn't work out. He said you were out of touch with society and that he was sad you were eating at home doing nothing.

They say that a bachelor's degree isn't quite as valuable as a master's degree...

It can feel like no matter what you do, you're being blocked at every turn and spurred on at every moment.

This ambivalent state of mind is a way of showing that abuse is happening.

And the sad truth is that he has been abused.

For almost ten years now, he's been acting up, yelling, and going a bit crazy for no reason at all. He does have a tendency towards violence, bless him.

This is both a result of the abuse and a way of transferring it to the abuser.

Oh, bless his heart, he was always in debt and never worked properly.

His mother took the money he earned.

It's so sad. The money he earned was taken away by his father's mother. This shows that his mother may be abusing him in a hidden way through deprivation.

If there's any kind of abuse going on, it might be that the other person is being abusive in other ways too.

3. It seems like there's a fear of abandonment and a tendency towards destruction.

Oh, and last year, he said he was cutting off contact with me because of something really minor.

It's so sad to see how he's lashing out and cutting you off over something so trivial. It's like he's desperate and wants to self-destruct. I can understand why he'd be afraid that you'll fail to do a good job and betray him, so he's chosen to sever contact with you first.

I'm so sorry to hear that he's said he won't be coming home anymore and that he's staying in another province. I really do think he wants a divorce, but he hasn't mentioned it yet. It's so sad that he's started to slander my mother in public.

Similarly, he smeared your mother's name because he was afraid that she would abandon him. It's so sad — he chose to abandon her on his own initiative to make himself feel better.

4. It's tough to detect psychological problems without professional knowledge. The painful feelings are real and can't be faked.

If someone can realize that it's their own problem, it'll be easier to find a way to solve it.

It's possible that your father might not be able to recognize his own issues if he doesn't have a good understanding of psychology.

Even if he knows it, it's not just a simple psychological problem. It's also an emotional trauma that needs some psychological healing.

2. I'd love to know how you manage to get along with someone like your father!

1. It's so important to keep a physical distance, reduce contact, and avoid harm.

If you can't avoid hurting someone's feelings, it's best to reduce contact so you don't become the focus of their emotions.

I'm so happy to tell you that your father's active choice to leave and create physical distance has been beneficial for everyone!

In the future, you'll be going out to work, which is great! As long as you don't live with your father, you'll have less contact, which is a good thing.

2. It's also a good idea to create a psychological distance, withdraw, and become mentally independent.

If you can't separate the two in reality, it's time to sort out your emotions. See which ones belong to your father and which ones belong to you.

It's important to remember that your father's various unreasonable behaviors towards you are all a result of his own internal conflicts.

It's important to remember that your dad's emotions don't define you. The same goes for his words and evaluations. They don't define you, so don't let them define you.

It can be really helpful to see your relationship with your dad from a third-person perspective. This can help you to view the situation calmly and keep you from getting too caught up in your dad's emotions.

And remember to seek psychological growth, too!

3. Try to understand your dad's upbringing, and be there for him emotionally.

It's so sad when a father transfers the wounds he's suffered from his own parents to his children. This is a form of intergenerational transmission.

It's so important to remember that intergenerational transmission can be both positive and negative.

It's so important to remember that what he receives, he passes on to you.

It's so hard when we're hurting, isn't it? It's even harder for him to see us in pain.

It's so hard for him to express his pain verbally. He can only experience it in a way that also causes you pain.

If you can understand and express your father's pain in words, he'll feel like you understand him, his pain will be reduced, and you'll both suffer less.

4. Don't be afraid to seek professional help and family therapy to repair parent-child and intimate relationships.

In the father's problem, it shows not only his psychological problems, but also your parent-child relationship with him, as well as the father's intimate relationship with his mother. It's a lot to take in, but you've got this!

It would be really great for everyone if we could have family therapy with the father as the central figure. That way, we can all be happy and have a more harmonious family!

Or, you could even try family therapy at the center!

Of course, your father may not be ready to accept this solution or even admit that he has a problem.

In this situation, you can only heal yourself, get better yourself, and you may also be able to influence your family. You've got this!

Luckily, you've already graduated and can support yourself. No more depending on your parents and having to accept everything they bring you!

It's time to start your life over! Take a different path from your father, explore, and change!

I really hope this helps!

Hi there! I'm Yan Guilai, a psychological counselor. I just wanted to wish you the best!

The father plays a really important role in helping his daughter to grow and develop as a person. He can support her in becoming a more mature individual and can even influence who she chooses to marry! The bond between a father and daughter can have a huge impact on a woman's life.

This relationship changes over time and is not eternal, but it will always have a place in a woman's spiritual world. It might be hidden deep down, but it's always there.

I shared this lovely quote on the Internet.

It's true that every father and mother cares about their children in different ways and shows their love in different ways, too. The impact of a father's absence can be huge, but dads often don't realize it.

Parents can be so tough on us, even if they're just trying to discipline us as children and we ask for forgiveness. It can be hard to forgive them, but we still have to love and respect our parents because they're kind and caring. And the law says we have to support them too!

As a daughter, you have to be good to yourself. Life is not always easy, but you can get through it. It's important to be kind to yourself and to try to make your home a happy, loving place.

The book of life: how we do it, how we change, of course!

I really do think that many daughters will begin to understand their fathers and try to reconcile with them! But in any case, every daughter deserves love and respect from her father. That is, her father should love and respect her daughter and also be worthy of love and respect!

It's so important to remember that we're all just passers-by, and our cries are worthy of reflection.