She was not like this before the relationship, and recently, I'm not sure how to get along with my girlfriend?

Hello, young lady! After reading your question, I can tell that your girlfriend is a bit resistant to intimacy, which has left you a bit at a loss. Let me give you a warm hug (づ ●─● )づ!

This reminds me of the saying, "Anxieties can turn dreams upside down." From my personal experience, I'm convinced this is most likely related to her upbringing. She may have experienced some kind of trauma or shadow in her intimate relationships during her upbringing, and she has not been able to move on from it.

Once the topic of "intimate relationships" is brought up, something incredible happens: her deep-seated "shadows" are triggered! In analytical psychology, this is called a "shadow explosion." In behavioral psychology, this is called "stimulus generalization."

Maybe you think it's love, but it's very likely to trigger some of the hurt she experienced growing up! As for her saying that she wasn't like this before dating, it's because someone with trauma often has a deep defense mechanism against outsiders, and she won't easily show her vulnerability to outsiders!

Now that you know her so well, she'll be ready to tell you her true feelings!

So, to fundamentally solve her problems, we've got to start with her upbringing! Has she told you about her upbringing (including her family relationship background)?

I'd love to understand the "suffering" behind her emotions! Would you mind telling me about it?

Absolutely! I completely respect your wishes and will never violate her privacy.

Our relationship is strong and resilient, like a beautiful tree growing tall and strong in the wind.

Before we met, we were both independent individuals with our own unique life experiences. After we met, we built a shared shelter together to face life's difficulties—and it's been an incredible journey!

If she doesn't feel secure with you, then bringing up anything to do with her psychology will touch on her weakest points. You may have just mentioned it casually, but the fear in her heart has already begun to spread. This is your chance to show her how much you care!

What she fears is often what has left a scar in her heart in the past, and its reappearance causes her pain. But what she needs is more reassurance, which you can absolutely give!

But it is in this kind of love that I thought was hurting the relationship.

The relationship between the two is all about giving and receiving. No matter how beautiful your fantasies were, reality is a wild ride. Everyone is a coexistence of good and bad, and that's what makes life exciting! At the beginning, some of the bad factors might be ignored due to the emotional attachment, but as life gets closer, they become more and more real, and various problems will arise.

Behind every emotional aberration is a heartbreaking story, and you are facing the gradual loss of control of your emotions. Don't try to solve all the problems on your own. After you get together, you will make decisions together more often, and it's going to be great!

She is willing to expose her innermost thoughts to you, and this is also because she trusts you. She wants to let you know her inner weaknesses. She was able to get through it alone before, and she may be able to do so again. That's just the way life is—and it's full of possibilities!

Now that she has chosen to trust you, it's time for you to step up and support her more! Communicate with her and help her face the deepest dilemma in her heart.

Life is always full of beauty and possibility at the beginning, but it gradually fades away. What is it that you are really together for? Is it true love, a desire to change, a desire to give, or a desire to possess?

But no matter what, don't forget that you fell in love with her as you first met her! She's not a different person because of you — she's the same amazing person you fell for from the start!

We will always be confused, and relationships will always be full of twists and turns. This is all part of a process of constant friction—and it's a good thing!

In the face of her honesty, seize the opportunity to open your heart and let her see the real you! Don't let your relationship break up because of so-called "protection."

Hello, question asker!

Given how much time you've been spending with your girlfriend, it's clear that your relationship has entered a new stage. It's evident that you care about your girlfriend and want her to improve, but when you talk to her about certain topics, you seem to have a different attitude, which makes you feel confused and affects your relationship.

Let me give you a quick hug to start.

I've recently come across a similar situation and have some ideas about how to handle it.

Similarly, when a partner falls out of love, they may become resistant to intimacy and avoid issues related to the woman's family and personality. The boyfriend tries to communicate and guide, but the situation keeps getting worse.

I think a lot of psychological problems have their roots in the original family. In particular, when it comes to intimate relationships, children, and other family-related issues, the reaction is strong and there is a clear connection.

Right now, the other person is shut off from the world because they didn't feel secure as a child. They're not open to new information, even if it would be good for them.

If it's for her own good, it might be best to accept that changing the situation is unlikely to be fruitful.

It's better to start by changing the relationship. Once it provides security for both of you, it can take the place of the family to help you heal.

Or you could look into getting some professional help.

I'm a big contributor on Yixinli. I'm 40 and I'm still learning. I'm here to share what I've learned to help you navigate life and work. I hope you find my contributions helpful.

Hello!

Reading your question, I want to give you a warm hug. It seems like your relationship has changed fundamentally. It doesn't seem like you can do or say anything right in her eyes, and she's very unstable as a result. But every now and then, she'll open up to you and share her negative feelings. Take care!

It seems like your relationship is unequal.

I'm not sure why your relationship is so unequal. Maybe it's because you like her more! And no matter what you say or do, she immediately goes on the defensive.

She treats you like you're in opposition to her. She doesn't want to take the initiative to change, and she doesn't want to be forced to change.

She just wants someone to love her and accept her unconditionally. At the same time, she'll naturally give you feedback about the bad things in life, and you have to be able to pick up on it.

This is probably just a defense mechanism on her part, and it seems like you're shut out and unable to communicate.

It's important to respect your feelings and accept the facts.

I don't think your feelings are any different from those of millions of couples worldwide. This is often the case in relationships where communication is an issue.

They can't even talk. It seems like saying something always ends up annoying the other person.

Right now, you feel like you've been wronged. I get it, my friend. I think your heart is already feeling aggrieved and overwhelmed!

Give yourself a pat on the back. First, we need to respect our own feelings and reassure ourselves. Find something that will make you happy.

While you can accept this, you can't really enter your girlfriend's defense mechanism. She's been hurt by her education, and she's just trying to protect herself by acting this way. It may be a bit extreme.

Let go of the idea of communicating and sharing naturally with her, and find an opportunity to have a good chat with her about your relationship.

I get it. You just want to share an interesting book with someone.

I don't think there's anything else going on here. It seems like your partner feels that you want to change her and says hurtful things.

And then there's the fact that you watch the news, and nowadays many couples do adopt or foster children from welfare institutions. As a side note, she immediately gets upset and aggressive when you bring this up. My dear, I hug you.

If you can't even communicate and share naturally with each other, you're just using the relationship as an emotional dumping ground.

I think it's time you talked to her about how you feel. You don't want to change her, and you never expect anything from her. You just want to share books and news with the people close to you. But every time she feels this is offensive and hurts her.

She's arguing with you and making you feel like you're in the wrong.

In this relationship, you're basically just a tool. For now, it's probably best to separate and calm down. You should think about whether you really need to continue this relationship.

I'd also recommend some books on intimacy.

You might find it helpful to read some books on intimacy, such as Wu Zhihong's "Why Love Hurts," "Why Family Hurts," "Li Yinhe on Intimacy," "Intimate Behavior," and "Psychology of Intimacy." These books can help you understand yourself and the other person better, which might make it easier to make a more free choice.

I hope my answer is helpful to you. Best regards, [Name]

Greetings!

As a heart exploration coach, I believe that learning is the cornerstone of physical and mental wellbeing.

From your description, it is evident that you are experiencing a multitude of conflicting emotions, including confusion, disbelief, grievance, pain, and helplessness.

I will refrain from delving into the specifics of the difficulties you are experiencing with your partner. However, I would like to offer three pieces of advice.

First, it would be beneficial to consider the circumstances surrounding the onset of this change.

You stated that your girlfriend's behavior had not been consistent prior to October of last year. Since that time, she has exhibited a reluctance to interact with you and has expressed difficulties in maintaining a positive relationship. Additionally, you noted that she had assumed the role of monitor at the beginning of the academic year and had consistently expressed discontent regarding the numerous responsibilities of the teachers and the lack of homework submission from her classmates.

Has there been a notable change in the dynamic between you and her, or are there underlying issues that have prompted you to retrospectively identify the precipitating factor in her altered state of mind?

It is only through an understanding of the underlying causes that one can hope to effect a change in the situation.

Secondly, it would be beneficial to consider the reason in a logical manner.

This will assist in developing a more nuanced understanding of the self and the relationship in question.

A rational approach necessitates two key actions:

One must recognize the potential for change within the status quo, recognizing that one's own actions can effect change.

It is probable that a change in your behaviour will result in a corresponding change in her attitude towards you, given the mutual influence that has always existed between you.

Secondly, it is important to recognise the role of communication as a key mechanism for addressing issues in interpersonal relationships, including those of an intimate nature.

If you reflect on the situation and recognize that your girlfriend's behavior has changed since the beginning of the academic year, it may be helpful to consider the potential impact of the teacher's demanding workload or other external factors. Open communication can facilitate a deeper understanding of her perspective, which may help to address your concerns and foster a more positive relationship.

From this perspective, it is possible that some of the negative emotions may be resolved.

Thirdly, it is recommended that you concentrate on your own well-being and consider the ways in which you can improve your own sense of happiness and contentment.

Upon reflection, one may ascertain a course of action. At this juncture, it is prudent to concentrate on one's own performance and strive for excellence.

For example, one can communicate with her sincerely by disclosing one's true feelings. However, when communicating with her, one should pay attention to the method and approach. First, one should attempt to understand her from her perspective, which will facilitate her ability to "hear" what one says. Second, it is optimal to begin sentences with "I" and discuss one's feelings in greater depth, and to minimize the use of "you" at the beginning of sentences, as it may evoke feelings of rejection and accusation, which are detrimental to communication. One might, for instance, say to her, "I would like to have a good chat with you. I have noticed that since you started school in October of last year, you have not been in a good mood. I am aware that you may have a multitude of tasks from your teachers, or there may be other reasons, but I hope you can tell me what happened. I want to understand you and hope that our relationship will become closer. I discuss personality issues with you just to find a topic to talk about; I do not have any other intentions. I will not change you. I feel aggrieved when I hear you say that about me," etc.

Following an honest exchange of communication, it is probable that the other party will alter their attitude, as they may be unaware of the impact of their actions. Conversely, they may also disclose their most intimate feelings, which will facilitate a deeper understanding of each other.

If, after communicating with her sincerely, she is still unwilling to divulge the truth, it may be advisable to allow her some time to consider her response. This could be due to the presence of concerns that are difficult to discuss. By allowing her this space, it is possible to convey respect, understanding, and love. This may encourage her to reveal her innermost feelings, which could potentially lead to an improvement in the quality of your relationship. During this period, it is recommended that you interact with her in a normal manner, demonstrate care for her, and provide her with greater attention.

It is also important to be prepared for the possibility that she is unwilling to change. If, after in-depth communication, you have given her some time and have been sincere with her on numerous occasions, yet she still exhibits a strong resistance to you, it is necessary to accept the reality that she is a girl with a very strong sense of defense and is difficult to get close to. In such a case, it is essential to ask yourself whether you can accept your girlfriend being like this. If you are able to do so, you will be better equipped to handle the situation, as if you can accept it, you will have lower expectations of her, and without expectations, there will naturally be no harm. Furthermore, it is crucial to understand that you have the ability to take action to change the situation.

Once action is initiated, the various negative emotions that have been previously experienced will gradually dissipate. This is because action can be an effective method of combating negative emotions.

It is my hope that this response will prove beneficial to you. Should you wish to engage in further communication, you are invited to click on the "Find a Coach" link at the foot of this page, which will enable you to contact me directly for one-to-one discussion.

Good day, question asker.

In the initial stages of a relationship, there is often a tendency to present a positive and favourable image. However, as the relationship progresses, individuals tend to gradually reveal their true selves.

The revelation of one's true self will facilitate the strengthening of the relationship, but it will also give rise to conflict. Conflict is an inevitable aspect of any relationship, and through the use of constructive communication, it can be transformed into a source of mutual understanding and adaptation.

A long-lasting and stable relationship is also characterized by a dynamic equilibrium at a distance that is mutually acceptable.

From the information provided, it appears that your partner may be facing significant challenges in the relationship. It is commendable that you have chosen to address these issues at an opportune time. However, your partner may be hesitant to engage in the conversation due to feelings of embarrassment or discomfort.

It is likely that sensitive topics for your partner are the inner pain points that they have been unable to reach. Furthermore, sudden and unusual behaviour may be an implicit cry for help.

If the original poster is truly interested in finding a solution, then the next time, it would be beneficial to guide the other person in expressing their thoughts. It is important to reassure them that the obstacles they are facing are not insurmountable and that they can work through them together.

It is possible that the other person may initially be unable to express their innermost thoughts. In such cases, it is advisable to demonstrate patience and understanding. It is important to remember that relationships are always mutual. If you are able to provide support and guidance, it may help to facilitate positive growth and development in the relationship.

This is a mutual practice in the relationship.

Secondly, the questioner indicated that his girlfriend has also experienced interpersonal and work-related challenges in real life. Could the lack of communication on these occasions be due to her perception that her concerns have been overlooked, leading her to seek attention in this manner?

Naturally, the questioner will also experience frustration and anger in response to the unfavorable reply.

By learning the communication method of non-violent communication, which involves expressing feelings and needs, effective communication can be achieved.

Hello!

Host:

After reading the post, I can see the author is feeling a lot of things. I also noticed that the author is being brave by asking for help. This will help her understand the situation better and make better changes.

I'd like to share my thoughts on the post to help the original poster understand the situation better.

1. Intimacy requires personal space.

The original poster mentioned that she wanted to get closer to her, but she was reluctant. I recently read a book on personality and had a lot of resistance. She felt that personality and other things were wrong and bad. She didn't like my attitude of helping her and not wanting to change.

I know the original poster doesn't want to change her mind. Her feedback is something we can explore.

Why reject the "change"? Maybe she's afraid of losing her identity.

Maybe she thinks that if she makes the "change," she won't be herself anymore.

Not feeling like yourself is scary.

Maybe she feels like you're invading her space because your relationship is getting closer.

It makes her feel uneasy when her boundaries are violated. That's why she's acting awkwardly because she needs personal space.

2. She may think she's the "weak" party in the relationship.

She got emotional and said she didn't want to adopt. After she calmed down, she said her opinion didn't matter and that she wouldn't stop me if I wanted to adopt.

Why does she have these thoughts?

Is she feeling unseen and misunderstood? Or does she have low self-worth?

Has she transferred trauma from an important relationship to this one? The original poster needs to think about this.

The feelings she has are real, no matter why she feels this way.

The original poster can understand her better by thinking about her feelings.

3. Tell her how you feel.

The post shows the poster feels wronged. She didn't think that way, but she thinks she did.

It's upsetting and hard to bear. Give yourself a hug!

We have different life experiences, education, and family environments. This causes differences in how we think. How can we not be affected by this?

The host can express their feelings and thoughts.

This may help you understand and appreciate each other better. We need to communicate more, listen more, and find a way to improve the relationship.

The host might want to look at "Nonviolent Communication" for communication methods.

I hope this helps the original poster. I'm Zeng Chen, a certified psychosynthesis coach.

I'm so sorry to hear that your girlfriend is going through a rough patch. It seems like some negative tendencies have emerged at the personality level, which is something we all need to pay attention to. It's possible that she's not in the best state right now and is struggling to process a lot of information.

It can be really tough when you and your girlfriend are having trouble getting along. Have you tried reducing the amount of information you're sharing and focusing on spending more time together physically? Talking about less sensitive topics like marriage, house, car, and politics might help. It's probably best to avoid these topics for now.

It's totally normal to have your own concerns, and it's also normal for the other person to have their own concerns too. When we can't get out of our own heads, it can lead to a lot of frustrating and conflicting problems, and we might find ourselves arguing and resisting over things that seem pretty ordinary.

For example, she thinks that things like personality are sick. This attitude of "overgeneralization" is actually an irrational way of thinking, and irrational thinking can easily lead to depression and anxiety. Perhaps she is already in a state of irritability.

It seems like you just blurted something out, which can happen to anyone! The other person's attitude is really worrying, but you're doing a great job of handling it. It's clear you're feeling confused, but you're handling it well too. Maybe she's had a lot of experiences in the class, which has made her very tired and impatient. You can recommend that she do some psychological counseling and meditation training, so that she can really calm down and enjoy life. Good luck!

ZQ?