Since I became a mother myself, I have disliked my mother. What's wrong?

Good day. My name is Shu Yaqingzheng, and I would like to offer my thoughts and provide some encouragement.

Subsequently, upon becoming a mother oneself, one may experience discomfort when hearing one's mother's voice, and maintaining contact may become a source of pressure. Does this lead to a sense of being suffocated?

I offer you another embrace.

You are capable of introspection regarding your internal feelings and needs, and you can utilize psychological knowledge to seek assistance for personal growth. This is a noteworthy ability.

01. The subject is capable of introspection regarding her negative sentiments towards her mother and has sustained communication with her for a period of two or three years. This indicates that she is a benevolent individual who possesses the fortitude to nurture herself and foster a bond with her mother.

Upon becoming aware of this, it can be reasonably assumed that the desire for a comfortable relationship with one's mother would be the most profound.

It is only when one becomes a mother that one becomes aware of the extent of neglect and hurt experienced from one's own mother, or the lack of maternal love.

The mere recollection of specific incidents or the auditory perception of their mother's voice can evoke a profound sense of distress. These individuals are constrained by conventional norms and are reluctant to challenge or express their authentic selves, leading to a pervasive internal pressure.

2. One may attempt to accept one's feelings and needs. Many individuals have experienced significant and distressing hurts, resulting in a complex emotional landscape towards their parents, encompassing both love and hate.

Martin Seligman, the founder of positive psychology, also offered a profound insight: "The optimal approach to life is to alter what is within one's control and to accept what is beyond it."

One must accept that past experiences are beyond one's control. It is therefore important to learn to accept them and to allow one's inner feelings and emotions to be like the floating white clouds in the sky. There are many white clouds, and our sky can be even wider.

One may attempt to become aware of one's emotions or to write about them. This should result in a sense of emotional equilibrium. It is important to allow the heart to calm down.

Subsequently, one may pursue further education in psychology to facilitate personal growth and facilitate the adjustment of one's cognitive processes, the examination of one's emotional experiences from a novel perspective, and the development of a more nuanced point of view.

Concurrently, it is essential to cultivate psychological independence from one's mother and develop the capacity for autonomous thought. Having already assumed the role of a mother, it is imperative to embrace the responsibility of self-care, self-love, personal growth, and the nurturing of a wise and supportive relationship with one's child.

It is imperative to recognize that self-prioritization is a fundamental aspect of all interpersonal dynamics. The act of loving one's child does not necessitate the attainment of perfection in one's role as a mother. A 60% level of fulfillment is sufficient, given that the child is also an autonomous individual who requires autonomy in order to flourish.

It is therefore imperative to first learn to accept oneself fully, to be clear about one's inner feelings and needs, and then to care for oneself, nourish and enrich one's soul, grow oneself, and make one's heart full and strong. It is only when one has overflowing love for oneself that one can nourish one's relationships.

With regard to your mother, it is evident that her upbringing was influenced by her original family. Consequently, she must assume responsibility for her own life. One possible course of action would be to maintain a certain distance from her for a period of time and to accept the imperfection of the relationship.

In regard to the possibility of reconciliation with one's mother, it is important to recognize that taking one's time is an acceptable approach.

03. Self-acceptance entails treating all aspects of oneself without condemnation, embracing one's imperfections, and acknowledging the presence of vulnerable and inferior traits, given that one also possesses courageous and confident qualities.

One may consider seeking professional assistance from a counselor or alternatively, one may endeavor to empower oneself and address the issues in one's life and parent-child relationship.

Mindfulness meditation practices and reading can nourish and enrich the mind and spirit, induce a tranquil state of mind, relieve stress, and facilitate personal growth. They can also teach individuals how to maintain goodwill and reason in interpersonal relationships and remain gentle with themselves.

It is advised that readers consult some psychology books on interpersonal relationships, such as The Courage to Be Disliked, The Art of Communication, and Beyond the Original Family, among others.

It is my sincere hope that this message finds you well and that it provides some assistance.

When I had my first child, I didn't hate my mother, but I was really determined not to treat my child the way my parents had treated me.

It's been about ten years since we started university, and we've been "crawling and scrambling" in society on our own for most of that time. We've come to realise that some of our own personality, social skills, verbal expression skills, and independent concepts have caused a few troubles for us in university and at work.

I really admire those outgoing, optimistic kids who have a clear plan for their future and can make friends with both boys and girls. Looking back at myself, I can see that I let slip a great opportunity that I was qualified for, and I really regret it!

The questioner's problem may be different from mine, but there might be some similarities in how we think.

It's so important to remember that you can't repeat the education you received from your parents. It might not have been the best for you, and it certainly won't be for your child! Give your child enough freedom and autonomy, give him space, and let him explore at will.

It's totally normal to feel some dissatisfaction and even resentment towards parents. We've all been there!

However, we feel that it is not right to have such a grudge against our own mother, and we doubt that we are unfilial. We know our mom loves us and did her best to raise us, so we know she didn't mean to make us feel this way.

On the other hand, parents often learn from their own parents and past experiences when raising their kids. They usually have the best intentions and do their best to raise their children well.

They're not going to be able to change without going through some big changes themselves.

Once I understood this, my dissatisfaction with my parents gradually subsided. They were doing the best they could, and it was useless to complain.

The good news is that the only thing that can be changed is one's own attitude. There's so much to learn about parent-child relationships, emotional intelligence education, and children's psychological development. When you combine this with your child's situation, you'll be able to give him or her the best home education. It's so important to make sure that you don't pass on bad emotions and family relationships to the next generation.

I hope these thoughts are helpful for you!