Sometimes, due to a lack of security, I may fall into melancholy and sadness. How can I resolve this?

Hello, host. I hope my answer can be of some help to you.

It might be helpful to consider that if we want to feel secure, we could look within, consider changing our inner patterns, try, practice, and get used to trusting ourselves, and spend more energy understanding and developing ourselves. It's possible that your trust in yourself could be a source of your sense of security in any relationship!

When a single mother is emotionally hurt, she may unconsciously or deliberately tell her daughter things like, "Don't trust men; women must rely on themselves," or, "Don't invest too much in relationships. If he treats you badly before marriage, what will he do after?"

This will have a direct and significant impact on the daughter's adult relationships and shape her world view. As she grows up, she may become more suspicious and inclined to seek proof.

Even if she meets a reliable man, if she uncritically inherits such a belief system, then subconsciously she may find herself testing to see if the other person really loves her. This could manifest as challenging the man's patience in various ways, acting up and being jealous, hoping that the other person will unconditionally appease and tolerate her every time. This could potentially lead to a situation where she has used up all of the other person's love and patience.

When that person finally leaves, she may come to believe that men are unreliable. It's possible that her beliefs may create a reality that reinforces this belief.

It might be helpful to think of our personality model as our entire belief system, which interacts with each other. Could it be that your personality model strengthens your belief system, and then your belief system?

It may also influence your personality model.

If we fail to change our internal patterns, it will be challenging to break out of this cycle and become the person we dislike the most. So, how are our internal patterns formed?

It is thought to be related to the attachment patterns formed during childhood.

According to psychological research, the well-known stranger situation experiment suggests that children typically exhibit three primary attachment patterns during infancy and early childhood:

1. Secure attachment: Children with secure attachments can play with toys with peace of mind when they are with their mothers, and will not always cling to their mothers. When their mothers leave, they will show distress, but when their mothers return, they will immediately seek contact with their mothers, quickly calm down, and continue playing.

2. Avoidant attachment. This is an insecure attachment pattern. Children in this category may not feel much tension or worry when their mother leaves, and they may not pay much attention when their mother returns. They may briefly approach and then walk away, displaying behaviors that could be perceived as neglectful and evasive. These children may not make much of a distinction between the comfort of their mother and that of a stranger.

3. Anxious attachment is another insecure attachment pattern. They may strongly resist their mother's departure, seek contact with their mother when their mother returns, but at the same time show resistance and even anger. They may also find it challenging to calm down and play games.

Further research has indicated that individuals who may lack a sense of security in relationships may fall into the category of insecure attachment. There are various forms of insecure attachment, including avoidant types, such as being cold or indifferent in a romantic relationship, or preferring to be cold and distant, and anxious types, such as exercising very tight control over the other person, forcing the other person to please them, and constantly focusing on themselves.

When problems arise in an intimate relationship, it is not uncommon for individuals to perceive the other person's actions as unkind and to believe that the other person is the primary source of relationship distress. This perception can lead to a reluctance to take the initiative in improving the relationship, which can in turn give rise to feelings of anxiety and fear.

It might be helpful to remember that if we want to feel secure in our intimate relationships, we don't necessarily have to try to change the other person. Instead, we can focus on changing our own internal patterns to help us feel more secure.

To become a secure attachment person, it would be helpful to consider the following:

1. Take the time to understand yourself and your internal patterns.

If we can take a moment to calm down and examine our inner needs, we may find that many of our emotions actually originate from a repressed longing for a sense of security in childhood. It is possible that intimate relationships can make us retreat to our childhood, where that unfulfilled longing becomes our need.

It can be helpful to be mindful of why we feel angry and to consider which of our needs may not be being met.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider whether we are expecting recognition from the other person, or unconditional acceptance. It might also be beneficial to reflect on whether there are any beliefs about ourselves that could be improved.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider the following:

With time, you may come to recognize that your anger often stems from a similar underlying cause. Identifying this root cause is an important step in addressing your anger.

For instance, I previously experienced frustration when I observed certain behaviors in others, when my children struggled to meet my expectations regarding their homework, when my husband engaged in leisure activities later than I would have preferred, and when my mother-in-law expressed opinions that I felt were controlling.

I came to understand that what needed to change was not them, but my own misconceptions. I had been measuring them against my own standards, and when they didn't meet my standards, I felt uncomfortable. But they are all independent individuals, and we have no control over their actions and thoughts. When I accept them for the way they are, while also expressing my expectations of them, if they can't do it, I don't use my own standards to measure them again, but respect their independence and uniqueness. My heart is much lighter, and my relationship with them is becoming more and more harmonious.

2. Consider accepting yourself and learning to care for yourself.

It is often the case that our difficulties arise from a lack of self-acceptance and self-belief. Many of us, perhaps influenced by our traditional culture, can be overly critical of ourselves and feel that we are not good enough.

If we continue to dwell on our shortcomings, we may find it challenging to break free from our internal patterns and tap into our inner strength and courage.

Perhaps if we were to learn to accept ourselves and our imperfections, we might be able to let go of the resentment and anger we felt towards our parents as children. Similarly, if we were to learn to care for ourselves and take care of our own feelings and needs, we might be able to build up inner strength and a sense of security.

May I respectfully propose that the ability to care for ourselves requires constant practice and involves the following three elements:

It may be helpful to calmly observe the situation without rushing to escape the pain or fight it. Instead, we can learn to surrender.

When we feel pain, it may be helpful to consider not rushing to get rid of it or fight against it. Instead, we could try adopting an attitude of acceptance and recognition, and feeling the pressure and burden within us that are causing pain.

I have a friend who was often neglected by her parents when she was a child. Whenever she particularly wants to contact them, she tends to blame herself and feel that she is hopeless. I gently suggest that she consider writing down her feelings at these times, including the fear and guilt of being abandoned in her childhood. It might be helpful to write it all down, gradually understand the true feelings under your habitual attachment patterns, try to understand the ins and outs of this feeling, experience the emotional feelings that this pattern has brought to your life, and discover the repressed self-aspirations and needs behind this feeling.

It is worth noting that in this process, it is perhaps best to avoid judging and instead simply observe.

Through constant awareness, we may gradually gain a deeper understanding of ourselves, our suffering, and our needs.

It would be beneficial to connect with our common humanity and establish a sense of connection and belonging within.

Life is not without its challenges. We cannot avoid going through difficult times. This is a part of our shared humanity, and it is a lesson we must learn in the process of growing up. Recognizing this helps us to re-establish the necessary sense of connection and belonging within ourselves.

I have a friend who has been experiencing some challenges in her professional relationship with her boss recently. She feels that her boss is asking a lot of her and that she has tried her best, but just can't meet the boss's expectations. The boss, on the other hand, is struggling to see that she has been trying hard, and is very frustrated because of the mistakes in her work.

Rather than attempting to resolve the situation, she believes that this represents the extent of her abilities and that, should things not work out, she will simply move on.

Her expectations of her boss are perhaps a little idealistic. She hopes that her boss will not be angry with her for not doing a good job, and will not reduce her salary because she is now unable to keep up with the company's progress. When her boss points out her mistakes and shortcomings at meetings, she resists, thinking that she herself is not at fault. She does not want to admit her own inadequacies, and resists growing.

One day, she encountered colleagues from other companies and realized that their lives were more challenging than hers, and they weren't compensated as much as she was. She felt a sense of relief and realized that her previous mindset was limited. She understood that resisting the boss over minor issues at work was unproductive. She also recognized the boss's good intentions. The boss wasn't trying to embarrass her or intentionally hurt her, but rather wanted her to better adapt to the company's growth and continue to develop, grow, and contribute to society.

When she sees this, it encourages her to become more aware and resilient, and she takes the initiative to grow and improve herself. She is motivated to make changes and finally finds a sense of inner connection and belonging.

It may be helpful to treat yourself with kindness and consideration.

Self-care can be defined as the ability to recognize and acknowledge challenging emotions, such as sadness or pain, and to respond to them with kindness and understanding. This can be done in various ways, including through mental, emotional, physical, or behavioral practices. In essence, self-care involves treating oneself with the same care and compassion one would extend to a loved one.

For instance, if you feel guilty about something, you might consider what you would say to a very good friend if you were in her position. In that moment, you could offer yourself the same comfort: "I can see that you are taking your needs and bottom line seriously, but your willingness is what matters most. A little deviation from the goal is no big deal. Everyone encounters this situation, but tomorrow is a new day. I hope you will be kind to yourself, be patient and forgiving."

If you look for the positive experiences that come from continuous self-care practices, you will find them. When you take care of your emotions and other needs well enough, and continue to grow through your own efforts, you will see that your abilities and energy will continue to rise. This will lead to a virtuous cycle in which your internal patterns will also change for the better, filling your heart with a sense of security and worthiness.

I wish you the best.