The family members are quite controlling and have blurred boundaries. What should I do if I can't convince them?

Hello, It sounds like family communication has damaged your self-esteem. I don't know if you should keep communicating with them.

I don't know how old you are. When did you first notice?

Are family members controlling?

From what you said, it seems like there are arguments in your family because of debates.

Everyone thinks they're right.

The other person is wrong. After the debate, the discussion turns into an attack on the person. Everyone goes home unhappy.

How do you end this?

You may need to accept that

Debate, quarrel, and argument are the most basic mode of communication in your family. Everyone expresses love and hatred through debate, showing a need for individuality.

Second, families need to talk about love and care for each other, not argue about right and wrong.

As long as there is an argument, there will be right and wrong. The one who gets hurt is the other person because everyone is narcissistic and doesn't want to admit they're wrong. If they do, their self-esteem will be damaged and they'll become angry. So some disagreement over opinions becomes an attack on the person.

If you and your family disagree, remember this Western philosophy:

"We don't agree, but we'll defend your right to speak!"

In debates, the side with weak arguments often interrupts, vents, and ignores feelings.

Don't debate or argue with someone who isn't at your level. It'll just make you look foolish.

From what the questioner says, it seems like she often gets verbally and emotionally attacked by her mother and younger brother at home. She also says she has a hard time communicating with them.

From my own perspective, I'd like to offer my personal opinion.

I'm not sure if the questioner has a short temper either. You said, "As long as there is a slight change in tone, they will lose their temper all of a sudden." Could this mean that the questioner's family members are all quick to anger and easily influenced by other people's emotions when chatting? We all know that when people are emotionally agitated, it is difficult for them to think and express themselves rationally, and they are likely to say things that may hurt others.

It seems like the author's mother and younger brother are on the same page, which might make the author seem weaker.

When there's a disagreement, the questioner will "find the fallacies in their arguments and then use their logic or superstitions to refute me (or them)." As I mentioned before, it's hard to reason and be logical when you're emotional. The questioner is trying to use logic to refute her mother and brother, and it's probably not going to work.

On the other hand, the questioner also said she wants to be able to communicate well with her mother and brother. But the point of communication is to express opinions and maintain emotional ties, not to try to persuade the other person. The questioner, like her mother and brother, wants the other person to act according to her own ideas and admit that she is wrong.

The questioner may be splitting hairs, but they may also have similar thoughts. When logic fails, you can resort to the blame game and say, "Believe it or not, this is the truth." You can even resort to moral blackmail, refuse to say anything, and be accused of "cold violence."

The mother and younger brother always have the same opinion, or the mother sides with the younger brother and disagrees with the questioner. I don't know what the father's opinion is. Is he neutral or does he avoid conflict?

The questioner didn't mention their age or that of their younger brother, or say whether they're male or female. I think this power and status relationship in the family has been shaped by at least a decade of life. I'm not going to make any rash judgments, but it's not a very democratic or healthy family relationship structure.

The relationships between parents and children, mothers and sons, brothers and sisters, as well as the boundaries and relationships between each subsystem, are not very balanced or clear. For things to change, all family members have to agree that there's a problem and that change is needed.

I agree with my other two colleagues that you should keep your distance in this case.

If you can, try to keep some distance between you. The idea that a distant relative is less of an issue than a close friend applies to all relationships.

If you don't live together, there are fewer minor disagreements. Meeting for a meal and a chat at the weekend doesn't affect the relationship and means you don't waste the little time you have together arguing.

If you can't resolve the situation, try to maintain a sufficient psychological distance. Since the questioner has already realized that reasoning with her mother and brother will not change their views or habits of expression, it will only increase her own worries.

When they express their opinion, just listen, agree with them on the surface, and then find a way to get out of it. When you close the bedroom door, you can take your energy away from "showing that you can cope" and return to focusing on your own problems and issues.

It cuts down on pointless arguments and makes family relationships better. It meets your mother and brother's communication needs while letting you focus on what's important to you. Why not give it a shot?

It's not the place for reasoning, either. The same goes for partners, parents, and siblings.

There's no need to get into a debate about who's right and who's wrong. Admitting to your mother that she's right won't hurt you.

It's really helpful to have your own clear goals and direction, and not to be easily distracted by what others are doing!

Dear questioner, I appreciate your inquiry.

After reading your question and considering your emotional responses, it is evident that you experience distress, sadness, and anger, as well as other complex emotions, due to the issue of control.

One query pertains to the subject of control.

In regard to the aforementioned assertion that the subject's mother and younger brother are both markedly controlling, it was observed that they engage in discourse with the subject on a range of topics, some of which do not elicit emotional responses, while others do. When emotions are involved, the subject perceives the discourse to be unmanageable.

It is an undeniable fact that no individual desires to be subjected to control. The need for a sense of control is a universal human trait. However, it is crucial to recognize that excessive control can have detrimental effects on both the controller and the controlled. Dr. Susan Forward, a renowned psychologist, posits that excessive control in relationships is a toxic phenomenon.

The act of exerting control implies a belief that one's own will is inherently right and superior, necessitating the subjugation of the other's will. This entails a process of invasion and domination, whereby the controlling individual attempts to impose their will upon the controlled.

When an individual's soul is unable to achieve a state of equilibrium within itself, it is evident that they are experiencing distress.

It is essential to examine the origins of the relationship between the controller and the controlled.

The answer may be unexpected, but it can be ascertained with certainty through self-awareness and self-verification. The answer is that it is a duet between the controller and the controlled.

The controlled individual consents to the invitation of the controller and agrees to the invasion of the controller's will, thereby causing pain in their soul. In other words, when the controlled refuses to engage in this dynamic with the controller, the control and being controlled cannot continue.

The question then becomes: how might one cease engaging in this behavior? The answer lies in understanding the underlying dynamics of the game and the rules that govern it. Once these are grasped, it becomes possible to exert control and disengage from the game.

2. The issue of boundaries

In response to your inquiry regarding emotional challenges and the concept of boundaries, we have initiated an examination of the fundamental aspects of this control dynamic.

It is therefore crucial to establish a mental boundary when one feels controlled and desires to regain control. The question then arises as to how one might set such a boundary.

In general, the first step is to create a physical distance. Additionally, you have identified a crucial element of the core control issue, namely emotions.

It can be observed that both the individual being controlled and the controller are influenced by the powerful force of emotion.

Emotions can be likened to an elephant, and reason can be likened to the elephant rider. When the elephant truly desires to proceed in a specific direction, the rider is unable to control it (it is rare for two individuals engaged in an argument to listen to each other).

Therefore, after establishing a distance and setting boundaries, it is also necessary to be aware of and understand one's emotions, which is one of the keys to breaking this game of control.

To comprehend one's emotional state is to permit oneself to engage with one's emotions. During this process, it is essential to recognize that emotions are neither inherently positive nor negative; they are, in fact, the most valuable inheritance bestowed upon us by our ancestors, enabling us to navigate the complexities of life.

It is beneficial to acknowledge the presence of emotions and to permit them to express themselves verbally or non-verbally. When emotions are acknowledged and understood, they are no longer controlling our actions; instead, we have successfully completed a crucial energy flow.

This dynamic can imbue our lives with a sense of vitality, enabling us to navigate the complexities of control and its inherent challenges with greater ease.

Alternatively, it is evident that one's own boundaries exist, akin to a portal. One has the option to either open or close this portal to oneself. When control arises, one may choose to permit it to do so and thereby open the portal, or alternatively, to reject it and close the portal.

Ultimately, the decision is entirely up to the individual.

3. With regard to the assertion that "You told us not to be cold, but now you're being cold yourself,"

It would be beneficial to ascertain the emotional response elicited by this statement.

The individual in question is essentially stating that, given the fact that the other party is unable to perform the task in question, there is no reason why he or she should be expected to do so.

Such a mindset can lead to a binary thinking pattern, whereby one party assumes the role of the authority figure, asserting their superiority and correctness while the other party is relegated to the position of the inferior, erroneous one.

The individual in question is prevented from engaging in the desired action, and is consequently labelled as "bad." However, the onus is not on the individual to permit the action to be taken, but rather on the individual to maintain their own moral rectitude.

This is fundamentally about having a multitude of expectations of the other person, anticipating that the other person will fulfill these expectations and act in accordance with one's desires. At the core of this dynamic is the desire for control, manifesting as a dominant voice.

It is therefore necessary to abandon the expectation of "speaking over the other person, winning over the other person, and proving that we are right," which represents the final step in exiting this mode of engagement.

It is my sincere hope that the aforementioned responses prove beneficial to you. I extend my warmest regards to you and to the entire world.

Hello, dear question asker!

I can see your question, and I'm here to help. It seems like you're feeling pretty distressed and helpless right now. When you communicate with your family, you don't get the affirmation you need, and what was originally normal communication turned into an attack. I can see how that would make you feel distressed.

Family members are the people we are closest to, and generally we can leave if we can't get along, but family members can't. Everyone wants the support and encouragement of family members, so you are now feeling pretty helpless and annoyed. It seems that you have tried many methods, such as asking everyone to speak nicely and not to have cold wars, etc., but none of them have worked.

It seems like whenever you get a little emotional, your brother and mother lose their temper all at once. It can feel like they're always picking on you, including the tone and mode of expression they use when speaking to you. It's so sad when you feel rejected, attacked, and blamed. It's like you've divided yourself and your mother and brother into two opposing camps, with the two of them being one and you being the other.

You're facing each other, not standing shoulder to shoulder.

If we draw a line between the two of you, it's totally normal to feel like when the other person speaks, they're targeting you. It's only natural to feel defensive and only consider the content of what they're saying. We all know that thoughts cause emotions, and emotions influence actions. In your interactions, emotions will affect the way you communicate with each other.

I'd love for you to try to become aware of your emotions when your mother and brother talk to you. Are they positive and helpful emotions or negative and unhelpful emotions?

I'd love to know which emotion affects you more and lasts longer.

If it were a positive emotion, I would have seen a different topic. In this case, I would guess that the communication between you has caused some negative emotions.

When we're feeling unhelpful emotions, it can make it harder to communicate in a helpful way. There are two levels to communication: one is "you are wrong," and the other is "I am right, you have to listen to me." When we're on the level of "you are wrong," it's easy to get caught up in labeling the other person as wrong. This can lead to arguments and quarrels, and before we know it, we've completely deviated from the topic.

The second level is "I'm right." If we think like this, we'll keep giving advice, making the other person listen to us and do what we say, regardless of the other person's state of mind during the conversation. This kind of communication is also confrontational, and it won't achieve the desired effect. In the end, it'll end in discord.

I'd like to share some more effective communication methods with you:

I'd like to suggest that when you're chatting with your family and friends, you try to use language that's low-power. This means using words like "Do you think it's a good idea if I do this?" instead of words that are high-power, like "If you don't believe me, just watch and see if it works."

2. Try to use as much descriptive language as you can and avoid opinionated and judgmental language. 2. Use "I" and "we" instead of "you" and "your."

We all have emotions, and they can be improved! There are lots of ways to deal with them, and the book "Change, starting from the heart" introduces many of these ways.

The great news is that communication can be learned! And you can replace the established communication model with a new one. When we change ourselves, those around us will also change.

I'd also highly recommend reading the book "Nonviolent Communication."

I wish the original poster all the best!

Hello, question asker!

From your description, it's clear you're troubled by this issue. Family members are an important part of our close relationships, and their evaluation of themselves can have a significant impact. I understand your feelings.

I have suggestions and ideas that will help you understand your confusion.

First, identify the root cause of your concerns.

You feel tired and troubled because your mother and brother said negative things to you. This has damaged your self-esteem. Self-esteem is your level of recognition of your own importance and value. It is also self-awareness, a kind of evaluation of yourself or a feeling about yourself.

I want to know why being affected in terms of self-awareness can lead to psychological discomfort.

Since birth, we have tried to understand ourselves through the reactions of others, and in particular through the way others see us, so that we can be sure that our inner feelings are real and acceptable. This is the process of developing self-awareness.

If there are too many negative voices in this process, you will feel that there is something wrong with you. This will result in an unhealthy sense of self, and you may even refuse to acknowledge your own existence.

The negative voices of your mother and brother create a conflict between you and your own self-awareness, and negative emotions arise as a result.

Second, admit that you are an ordinary human being who can be hurt.

As babies, we look around eagerly, seeking eye contact. If you express certain emotions to your childhood caregivers but always receive distorted reactions or are ignored, you will feel ashamed, and your self-awareness will suffer.

It is normal to feel shame in the short term, but if you experience frequent and discordant interactions, you can develop a habit of shame.

This is simply the way things are as we grow up. We are all aware of this, and we all know that no one receives an honest response to all aspects of their being.

You may also receive feedback from others that rejects you, which indicates a deep-seated lack of recognition and support within you. By recognizing this lack, you can change it.

You must muster the courage to admit that you have various emotions, such as needs, unease, and anger. You need to understand the source of your emotions and recognize and acknowledge the importance of yourself.

Third, express your emotions boldly when your needs are met.

Children who grow up in a healthy, orderly, and secure parenting environment develop a social attitude of trusting themselves and others. They understand and respond to the emotions of others, establish good relationships with others, and achieve empathy because they have a full sense of trust.

Your family's mode of getting along with each other is simply not sufficient to fully empathize, which has led to your dissatisfaction with them and your lack of confidence in yourself.

Understanding the source of things gives you more control over the situation in your life. You must make changes to the situation you are dissatisfied with based on a full understanding of the source of bad emotions.

You have already taken the first step by recognizing the need to resolve negative emotions. This is a great start.

The primary way to resolve this is through communication. You must express your discomfort. Your mother and younger brother are your family, and they don't mean any harm. They just don't know how to express themselves properly or see things from a different perspective. If you don't express it, they won't know that you are uncomfortable about it.

Be bold and tell them your thoughts and emotions honestly and openly. Make it clear what is uncomfortable, why it is uncomfortable, and which needs in your heart have not been taken care of. This will help them truly understand your thoughts, be considerate of your needs, and adjust the way you get along and communicate with each other.

My name is Cici Ai Cheng. I am an 80s generation traveler who overcame a low point by reading and healing myself through psychology. I am confident that my advice will be of some help to you!

Good morning,

It is challenging to differentiate between individuals who seek control and those who have blurred boundaries, as they form a community of interaction. Both groups tend to recognize their self-worth by relying on the other.

The objective of communication is to express your views, not to win over the other person.

As you can see, the contradictions in the problem description are based on the premise of the problem, and therefore also have an intersection with the mother and younger brother. The intersection will inevitably lead to differences in opinion. The questioner describes the mother and younger brother as "controlling" in their approach, that is, "I cannot agree with other people's ideas, my feelings are the truth." From the perspective of others, their way of speaking and talking also lacks communication skills. They like to speak in a pressurized manner, and they do not have much basis to support their conclusions. This has caused the questioner to feel dissatisfied and rejected.

A new issue then arises. Communication is the exchange and summary of opinions. As each party has already expressed their opinions, it is unclear who is to provide the summary.

Therefore, the individual who considers themselves "highly capable" and "senior in age" has assumed a dominant role, as have the mother and younger brother. The questioner's underlying issue is not so much the disagreement itself, but rather a lack of respect for their thoughts and existence. This has led to feelings of anger and powerlessness.

If we correct the nature of communication, why does this power struggle continue unresolved? We must also determine what the mother and brother are trying to prove by being stubborn.

Is it necessary for me to engage in a debate with them and become a mere backdrop for their self-expression?

It is advisable to separate issues and pursue your own objectives. It is also recommended to limit the amount of collaboration with family members.

It is often assumed that family members can discuss and collaborate on matters. However, if the above issue is not based on a unified approach within the family, it is advisable to prioritize your own matters and avoid forcing decisions upon family members who are aware of communication challenges and differing opinions. Discussing your own matters may be perceived as an attempt to verify failed communication, which is ultimately futile. If the discussion is about other people's matters, it is sufficient to provide your opinion. The decision to listen is up to the other party, and there is no need to forcefully try to change others.

However, if the premise is that family members work together and there is always friction, then the questioner needs to recognize that family members are not the optimal choice for collaboration, particularly if there is a lack of clarity around boundaries and the other person is dominant. This is undoubtedly a practice that confuses communication with emotional confrontation in the context of collaboration. In such cases, roles and people cannot be effectively matched, and a qualified role and responsibility may not be achievable.

Identify a suitable mentor who can facilitate your growth.

The questioner's lack of assertiveness is likely due to a history of being denied the opportunity to express their thoughts as children. This has likely shaped their current communication style. Additionally, the questioner's personality may not align with expressing their thoughts freely. They may feel compelled to express their thoughts against their will, which can hinder their ability to communicate effectively.

From the sense of boundaries, the questioner cannot clearly distinguish, which is also likely to be related to the family's educational methods. Therefore, the closed way of thinking cannot clearly take a more independent and enlightened position, let alone persuade the other party to listen. To change the situation, it is necessary to allow for personal growth. One's environment has a significant impact on one's growth. If change is desired, it is essential to start immediately and embrace the opportunity for growth. The most effective approach is to seek guidance from a mentor who can provide support in both mental and value-based development.

It is often said that talented horses are common, but Bole is not. Similarly, it is not easy to find a master. In this situation, we have to be diligent, observe, listen, and think more. And thinking more is the most important and core key point. Why do so many people feel empty inside and have barren minds, and are easily swayed by others? It's because they don't like to think. They often like to belittle thinking because it takes a lot of energy. You need to ask more "whys" to find an argument to support it. Studying is very lonely and boring. How many people are truly knowledgeable?

In order to foster positive relationships with your family members, it is essential to identify your personal value and to avoid attempting to prove your worth through the actions of others. It is also important to recognize that your family members may require time and effort to learn and grow on their own, rather than being immediately responsive to external influences.

Best regards,

Hello, question asker! I'm happy to discuss your question with you.

From what you've said about your mother, it seems like she wants to control you quite a bit. It seems like she and your brother try to impose their ideas on you in the name of doing what's best for you, which must make you feel pretty helpless and frustrated, right? I'm curious about your father's role at home.

How does the author's father communicate with the author? Why is it the author's mother and younger brother who are pressuring the author, and what is the father's role in the family?

And what is his responsibility?

What's the underlying message in the questioner's mother telling her to listen? If the questioner doesn't, what will she do?

Is she struggling to cope with the fact that you don't listen to her? Why does the questioner's mother behave like this?

It seems that the questioner's mother has a strong desire for control, which is probably linked to how she was raised in her biological family. Perhaps she was excessively repressed by her biological family when she was young, or forced to do what she was told. If she didn't listen, she would be a bad child or get into trouble, so the questioner's mother has become what she is now.

Because of the questions you've asked on the platform, we can't have a deep conversation about them. So I can only give you some quick advice:

It would be helpful to understand why your mother treats you the way she does.

Why do you think your mother treats you this way? Do you think she also received this kind of education and control when she was a child?

It could be down to circumstances. Maybe your mother's generation had a tough time just getting by, and didn't have the chance to learn how to love and run their own households.

It's likely that the questioner's parents were also rarely cared for in a nuanced way when they were children and were also treated like the questioner. When parents grow up, they often bring the trauma of their original family into the family they form, and unconsciously repeat the same mistakes.

So, there are no perfect parents or perfect families in this world. Maybe parents were also brought up with some pretty inappropriate education and demands, and it's easy for them to form fixed ideas. They might think that they should adopt a certain approach when encountering a certain thing. This is down to the limitations of life and the subtle influence of others. Even the treatment they suffered in their childhood may be transferred to their children, or they may expect to be treated in a certain way, and they will look for it in their children.

It's time to express the pain inside and share it.

If you later come to terms with this experience, you can talk about it. You can write about it online, or you can share it with your family and friends, or a counselor.

If you don't feel like confiding in others, you can also confide in pets, plants, or dolls. If conditions permit, we recommend that the questioner seek professional counseling from a psychologist. It is also possible to do so on the Yi Xinli platform, where you can find someone to share your emotions with. Perhaps only by confiding in someone can you release the negative emotions brought on by your childhood.

You should speak up and share your feelings with your family. From what I've read, it seems like your opinions aren't taken seriously or considered. You're always dealing with negative emotions, and you don't even have the freedom to set boundaries. So, I suggest that if you have any feelings, you should speak up and share them with your family in a constructive way.

It's important to learn how to deal with your emotions.

If you feel an emotion and want to do something, think about what it is you want to do and why. What do I want to express?

What emotions do I want to release? Is there a way I can release them without hurting my mother?

You can also find something you enjoy doing to help you release these negative emotions without hurting your mother. If you feel really emotional, try taking a deep breath, counting to 10 in your mind, and then see what you can do.

It's important to learn to accept yourself.

Do more of the things you enjoy, and find the purpose and meaning in your life's challenges through the things you enjoy. Accept the character you brought from your original family, and when you're feeling down, do something to treat yourself.

Treat yourself to something sweet and you'll feel happier too. It's important to make yourself happy without hurting other people.

Keep the negative emotions out of your life.

It's also a good idea to learn the technique of active listening.

If you're dealing with family members who are acting out or nagging, you can learn about counter-listening techniques. What are counter-listening techniques?

This is a technique used in psychological counseling, but I can't go into detail here. Basically, when someone is expressing something, act as if you're distracted or respond with a delay.

For instance, if she's really emotional about something or shares an opinion, you can act like you're busy and then respond, "Oh, I just got distracted. Can you repeat that?" You can search for specific techniques on your own.

Hopefully, this will help the questioner deal with the nagging of family members.

I hope my answer helps the person who asked the question!

Hello, thanks for your question.

You're in a situation where you're the one being oppressed.

It's attracted to something negative.

Let's look at your description. Have you thought about it? Maybe your mother's relationship with your brother and with you is the result of patriarchal values.

The male members are in charge, while the female members support them and try to get attention.

I'm happy to listen to you and I'm happy you're honest.

Feelings are feelings, right or wrong.

Why can they express their feelings and thoughts, but you can't?

We've seen and embraced your feelings and grievances.

This uncomfortable state will last a while.

You know you're compromising and looking for approval from people who never loved you.

If they wanted to identify with you, would they?

You know they don't want to identify with you, but they need your unconditional identification.

It seems like a power relationship. The psychiatrist Zhi Feng said that abuse creates loyalty, while love creates separation.

You feel powerless and tired.

Not seeing yourself or having a vague sense of self-awareness might be another way of describing a vague sense of boundaries.

Hug yourself. You're not easy!

It's great you know the problem and can talk about it clearly and honestly.

You're more sincere than those who oppress you.

They take advantage of your loyalty, which comes from your hope for them.

They don't want to love or pay attention to others, but they take advantage of loyalty. The victim shouldn't bear the blame.

This routine has been around for a long time. Parents often use "for your own good" to manipulate their children.

People with little independent thinking ability and a mature personality will be unable to escape deliberate suppression and will remain dependent forever. They may attribute this dependence to feelings, such as love.

One symptom of Stockholm syndrome.

How do you handle vague self-awareness?

If they let you lose your self-awareness, you have to take some blame because you gave up on it.

You've mostly agreed with them about your self-awareness.

You let them ignore you because you agree you deserve it.

Others don't want to see or agree with us. We can't control that, but we can see and agree with ourselves. Others can't control us.

All processes have difficulties and obstacles. You are facing this now.

This is part of real life. You must have the courage to accept it.

Accept that we are hurt; accept that we are not recognized by some people, even if they are family; accept that we think differently from them.

The questioner depends on themselves.

You must have the courage to accept this.

You have the courage to share your wounds openly.

There's a saying in psychology: no response is a dead end.

Ignoring them is the same as not responding.

Do you need to keep spending time and energy on people who don't want to identify with you?

Do you think they don't know you're sad?

Why are they worthless just because they don't agree with you? Why is what you say unimportant to them?

Can't we find friends who accept us? Can't we accept ourselves?

Can't we find other normal circles and see that our words still matter here?

Questioner, self-growth is a process. You will experience confusion, pain, setbacks, and trials.

These are the trials of growth.

You're not ready to live a lie forever.

Embrace yourself and hold hands.

Try to love yourself. The world loves you.

Good day.

Host:

After a thorough review of the post, it is evident that the poster has invested significant effort into it. Additionally, the poster has courageously articulated his personal challenges and proactively sought assistance on the platform, which will undoubtedly facilitate a deeper understanding of himself and his family.

and make any necessary adjustments.

I will now share my observations and thoughts on the matter, which I hope will help the original poster to gain a more nuanced understanding of the situation.

1. They both have expectations of the other person that align with their own desires.

From the content of the post, it is evident that both the mother and brother have expectations regarding your work ethic. Additionally, you have expectations regarding their understanding, communication, and adherence to the established script.

It is reasonable to inquire whether this situation is challenging or painful.

I am unsure if the original poster has viewed the film Lost in Russia. The male protagonist has an idealised image of his mother, and she also has an idealised image of him.

There was a significant disagreement on the train.

This is, in fact, the manner in which the majority of parents and children interact in real life. Due to expectations, when the other party does not act in accordance with expectations, a range of emotions may arise, including resentment, anger, and a sense of powerlessness.

If we accept them for who they are, we may be able to reduce some of the negative emotions that arise.

If expectations are eliminated, disappointment is also removed.

Therefore, the host may need to learn to accept and see them as they are. It would be beneficial to redirect your energy back into yourself.

2. It is important to recognize that only we can cause ourselves harm.

Accepting them for who they are does not imply acquiescence to their actions. However, on the foundation of acceptance, it is possible to consider how we can address our own needs.

As an example, when confronted with hurtful words or emotional outbursts, it may be beneficial to temporarily disengage from the situation. This can help prevent the emotions from escalating.

As an example, when confronted with their "attacks," it may be beneficial to establish personal boundaries. I am able to prevent them from causing me harm.

I acknowledge their perspectives and opinions, recognizing that they are shaped by cultural influences. I also recognize that it is reasonable to adopt their stance. However, it is not reasonable for me to adopt their stance.

I simply allow them to speak. Is it feasible to concur with them on a superficial level? In doing so, I do not believe I am being untruthful, but rather merely adopting a survival strategy.

Once we recognize the multitude of ways to address these issues, will we persist in our disagreements? When we acknowledge the futility of attempting to alter their behavior, will we still be enraged?

3. Assume responsibility for your own emotions.

The post did not mention my age. If I have the financial means, I can still live independently if circumstances permit. As we are responsible for our own emotions, we may sometimes have to learn to treat ourselves kindly by leaving.

It is important to note that leaving does not indicate that the other person is inadequate, but rather that the relationship is not fulfilling. Our emotions will inevitably be affected, and we may feel a sense of frustration and exhaustion. It may be challenging to envision a path forward that would allow the relationship to thrive.

It may be advisable to maintain a certain distance at this juncture. It is important to recognize that we cannot control or alter the behavior of others.

The only recourse is to change ourselves. We must accept responsibility for our own lives, our own needs, and our own emotions.

Ultimately, we are responsible for ourselves.

It is important to recognize that attempting to repeatedly meet the expectations of others is an ineffective use of time and resources. In a professional context, the decision to enter into a relationship is driven by the individual's personal goals and aspirations, which may or may not align with the expectations of the other party.

4. Learn and grow.

The optimal solution to the problem at hand is to address the underlying issue from a different perspective. In this case, the individual in question would benefit from expanding their knowledge base and enhancing their emotional management skills. This approach can help them better regulate their emotions and foster more constructive interactions with their family.

It would be prudent to conserve your energy and time for your own endeavors and refrain from attempting to alter the behavior of others.

It is important to focus on your own development and growth. Only when you have a growing influence and stronger emotional management abilities will you be in a position to make a difference.

At that point, we may be able to exert influence over them.

I hope this provides some inspiration for the original poster. I am a psychological exploration coach, Zeng Chen.

I provide one-on-one coaching to facilitate personal growth and support.

Hello, hug! My name is Shu Yiqingzheng, and I'm thrilled to share my thoughts and support you in any way I can.

Do you feel like family members are too controlling in their communication? Let's hug again!

You are amazing! You can observe and reflect on your own feelings and needs, and you are brave enough to seek help from psychology and grow yourself. That's really great!

01. Psychology has a famous "southern wind effect." This story and theory tell us something really interesting about how we interact with each other. It seems that gentle communication and ways of getting along can make people feel relaxed and comfortable, producing a relatively good positive effect.

In the story, both the North Wind and the South Wind try to make the pedestrian take off his coat, but because they use different methods, the results are very different. The South Wind is a total success! It appeals to people's innate needs, making them act of their own accord.

The core of this is that warmth is better than cold!

The North Wind Effect is the polar opposite of the South Wind Effect. It is a relatively cold way of communicating, i.e., using strong means to conquer others, which in turn forces others to resist.

It's evident that the "North Wind Effect" is a condescending attitude that uses controlling language, as if ordering someone, "I want you to do this, you must do that." The result is that it makes people feel rebellious, which greatly reduces the effectiveness of communication.

In the examples you gave of communication, do you feel a lack of equal respect and appreciation, and even more so a lack of rational permission and love? It is actually a communication model like the "North Wind Effect," which we can easily change!

They think it's only natural to express themselves however they want. They don't understand that in the intimacy of our family life, we get to be treated gently with each other!

It's so important to understand that "warmth is better than cold, and the gentleness of the south wind blowing is more effective than the harshness of the north wind freezing."

So, instead of resisting their "North Wind" model, you can actively try to influence them with your own "South Wind" model!

02. Alfred Adler, the founder of individual psychology, once made an incredible proposal: that all human troubles stem from interpersonal relationships.

So, it's totally normal to have some challenges in your relationships. It's actually a great thing to be aware of them!

I highly recommend reading the book "The Art of Communication" to help you solve interpersonal communication problems and learn to communicate well!

Ready to take the first step to good communication? Look inward and see your own feelings and needs first! And in all relationships, don't forget to put yourself first and love yourself fully.

The author also has a brilliant way of dividing communication into three parts to teach us in relationships:

Now for the fun part! It's time to look inward and focus on self-awareness. Get clear on your role, perceptions, and emotions in communication.

And then there's the second step, which is all about looking outward and focusing on the other person. This is where we get to explore the fascinating world of language, non-verbal communication, and listening.

And finally, at the interpersonal level, focus on the relationship with the other person. Don't get bogged down in each other's actions. Instead, focus on the intimacy, communication atmosphere, and conflict resolution.

Good communication is all about observing and reflecting on objective facts. And guess what? I truly believe that my parents and younger brother's original intentions are also full of love!

So, here's the good news! You can follow these three simple steps to become aware of your own inner feelings and those of others, to see the loving part, and then clearly and specifically express your true feelings and needs to them. You can ask for their understanding and support as well, so that you can feel understood, respected, and loved by each other!

03. You are also aware of the issue of personal boundaries, which is fantastic! This is a guarantee of individual development, independence, maturity, and differentiation. Therefore, you can try to clarify which parts of your relationships with your family members are other people's business and which parts are your own business, and just take responsibility for yourself.

And you need to know that in all relationships, you absolutely must put yourself first! We first need to accept, care for, and grow ourselves, and have a lot of love for ourselves.

And finally, invest in your body and mind so that you can think independently and let love flow! This is the key to warm and comfortable relationships.

I highly recommend reading some psychology books on personal growth and family relationships! Some great ones are "The Courage to Be Disliked," "The Art of Communication," and "Beyond the Original Family."

I love you all! I really hope this helps.

Hello, question asker. I can see the confusion you are facing right now. You will be okay. Hugs to you!

You are experiencing some family issues. I'm here to support you.

It is undoubtedly challenging to have a borderline and controlling younger brother and mother.

I'm going to give you a big hug again from across the screen.

I don't know your age.

If you are already an adult, you should move out on your own.

If you are still studying, you should find a part-time job in your spare time to earn some extra money and become financially independent as soon as possible.

Once you become financially independent, you will no longer be controlled by your mother and younger brother.

Seek help from a professional counselor if you are still confused.

A counselor will give you more pertinent, useful, and constructive advice from a third-party perspective, without judgment and in an objective manner.

I am confident that the problem you are facing can be solved soon.

That's all I can think of.

I am confident that my above answer is helpful and inspiring to you. As the respondent, I study hard every day.

Here at Yixinli, we love you and the world loves you too. Best wishes!