The marriage can only be barely maintained. Longing for care and stability, how can you get out of this predicament?

Hello, I can sense your unease and helplessness. If I may, I'd like to offer you a warm hug. I remember reading a saying that I think might be helpful here: "A happy childhood heals for a lifetime; an unhappy childhood heals with a lifetime."

The sense of security and worthlessness that we lacked in childhood can drive us to rush into marriage, thinking that our partner will meet all our needs. However, it's important to remember that people are not omnipotent gods. When your partner is unable to give you a sense of security, you may find yourself tempted to cheat. While there is no excuse for sin, there are many reasons why it can happen.

It is important to remember that nobody can judge you from a moral standpoint alone, because in a marriage, everyone is a victim and everyone is also a persecutor.

[Triangulation]

In fairy tales, princesses often suffer in their original families and wait for their princes to come and rescue them. When the princes arrive, the princesses and princes live happily ever after. Is that really the case?

It is possible that the triangular drama of victim, persecutor, and savior in the original family will continue to play out. You may feel hurt in your marriage (incompatibility of character = lack of acceptance, recognition, insecurity, and sense of worth), and you may begin to choose to find a new savior.

It would be beneficial to consider whether this current rescuer can truly provide the sense of security and worth that you desire.

It is important to note that intimacy and a sexual relationship are not necessarily one and the same.

In the book "Parenting Your Inner Child," Cong Feicong makes an interesting observation. When we lack a sense of security and worth, we tend to feel isolated and helpless. In such moments, we often seek help from the outside and crave intimacy to help us solve these problems. This is our need for intimacy.

It is important to note, however, that sexual intimacy alone does not necessarily lead to a deeper sense of intimacy in a marriage. What we truly need is a commitment to give and receive with wholehearted dedication, cooperation, and partnership.

Perhaps we could consider whether it would be more appropriate to shake hands or hold hands?

When we think of the word "cooperation," do you think of a scene of two people shaking hands? Marriage is not like this. The two people shaking hands can only stay in the same place, just like you and your affair. But will time stop?

Do you think you might forever stop in an affair and never pay attention to the world? It seems that he will never tire of you, and that he will never make a commitment. Is that something you can accept?

Marriage is about holding hands and moving towards the same goal. In the process, you may not be able to keep the same pace or you may have to stop for a while. But as long as you choose to stay in the marriage, you will have the opportunity to feel love. It would be helpful to know your vision for marriage.

Could I ask what values you uphold in your marriage, and what vocabulary you use?

It might be helpful to have a conversation with your husband. If you still share the same vision for your marriage, you can establish values and a way of communicating through negotiation that you both respect. You might find it beneficial to seek out a professional marriage counselor to help you face the challenges that arise in your marriage together.

It could be said that our inner loneliness, sadness, anger, and anxiety are to a large extent due to our inability to feel the love of others. Perhaps the prerequisite for a person to be able to feel love is that they can recognize and identify the manifestations of love.

If you're interested in learning more about how to feel loved, I would suggest reading another book: "Feeling loved: the art of happiness in intimate relationships."

As a psychological counselor, I am here to help you make choices and plan your life and money. The ancients said, "Those who are unable to act should look within themselves." All our outward seeking is in vain, and only we ourselves can give a sense of security and worth.

I hope that you will enjoy a peaceful life, happiness, and good health in the days to come.

Hello, I'm Sun Xuemei, a listening therapist.

You're unhappy in your marriage and long for care and stability. These needs come from love. You have a strong sense of self-discipline because you can choose to end an inappropriate relationship!

As women, we want love and happiness. Have you heard of the term "happiness power"?

Love and happiness are things we pursue throughout our lives. They are also verbs: the ability to love and the ability to be happy.

If you don't feel love and happiness, try to understand and learn from the perspective of love and happiness. Skills are the most effective way to learn and bring about change.

Our culture says a happy family makes children happy. Many parents put up with bad relationships for their kids. But studies show family environments can be:

The best conditions for a child's healthy growth are in order of ①>④>②>③! Did you notice that a happy parent is best for a child?

I recommend "The Five Love Languages" and "Intimacy" to inspire you!

Thank you!

When a relationship ends, don't automatically assume it's time to move on. Take a moment to ask yourself what you truly want.

The first level is about needs. Physical intimacy is about material and practical care.

This person looks after you, treats you well, is considerate, makes you feel warm, and is always there for you.

The second level of needs is emotional and psychological care, which is also known as emotional intimacy.

He can give you a warm, comforting presence when you're tired, a shoulder to cry on when you're frustrated, and a shoulder to lean on when you're happy. You feel secure, safe, warm, happy, and relaxed.

This third level of need is about spiritual intimacy, which is about soulful care and empathy.

You're interested in each other's thoughts, learning, life and development, each other's careers, and you share the same values (there may be arguments, but they are about the common pursuit of truth). You're happy when you connect with each other's minds during exchanges about life, philosophy, art, and careers.

Which of the above are you looking for? The first type is easy to meet because they're just looking to get you, and they're too easy to be nice to.

The second type is someone who can understand your little moods, which isn't easy to find. The third type is someone who understands your thoughts. It's even more difficult to find someone who shares the same values as you.

The three needs can also develop in stages.

You're currently feeling a bit confused and have lost your sense of direction. Even though you're feeling a bit lost, you still have to get on with your day.

It's time to cut the link with this unreliable man and give him to anyone you want (as long as someone else wants him). I know it's tough for a while, but as long as you try and take action, time will have a clearer answer than your brain. Pull back your focus, accept and recognize yourself, take care of your lovely daughters, and grow together with them.

The outcome doesn't really matter. You can't go back and compare which choice was better, but you can decide that the choice you're making now is the best.

Confusion is just as common as sadness. It's there to help you understand yourself better and avoid making mistakes.

We shouldn't be afraid of the unknown, and we shouldn't dwell on the past.

Make the most of every day. In the grand scheme of things, our emotions are insignificant. Give your kids a hug!

I'm not sure what you're asking.

Hello, question asker! I can see that you are confused, so I would love to share some of my thoughts with you to help you sort out these knots and relationship conflicts.

First, take a look at your own thoughts!

First, take a look at your own thoughts!

You are dissatisfied with your husband, and this dissatisfaction stems from the fact that your personalities don't match. Moreover, this dissatisfaction should be very strong, and both parties should feel extreme unhappiness. In the midst of this dissatisfaction, you want a divorce even more. However, when compared to your happiness, you choose to preserve this marriage for the sake of your children, which is a great decision!

In this willingness to preserve the marriage, you are preserving a superficially complete family for your children. But in reality, your children will not necessarily feel happy when they see such a bad relationship between you. So, let's make it a great one!

Children need a complete and happy family, not a complete and unhappy family. And you can make that happen! As long as it is an unhappy family, whether it is complete or not, it will cause great harm to the children.

Your husband also feels unhappy, and he has declared war on you with his actions by choosing to work away from home and file for divorce. In terms of choices and decisions, your husband is more determined—and he's ready to make a change!

Your husband also feels unhappy, and he has declared war on you with his actions by choosing to work away from home and file for divorce. But guess what? Your husband is more determined in his choices and decisions!

First, ask yourself: if your husband is determined to divorce, would you agree? If that man wants to be close to you but cannot give you marriage, would you choose to be with him?

If you're torn and unable to make a decisive choice or decision, it shows that you have a lot of conflicting emotions! It also shows that you're a very needy person, always longing to be loved and understood, and always seeking to be satisfied.

When you are torn and confused, it means that deep down you have the opportunity to learn how to choose! You have the chance to figure out what you want, what you don't want, and perhaps you'll realize that you want everything—and you'll accept the consequences of your choice. It could also be that you are psychologically pursuing something very ideal, and you are excited about the possibility of losing it and embracing changes in your life.

So, there's still room for growth in your decision-making self and your accepting self. When faced with these conflicts, you get to choose between gain and loss.

If there is a personality mismatch, you can sense it from the very beginning. But don't let that stop you! What made you choose to get married despite this situation?

What awesome methods have you used in the past to resolve these conflicts and contradictions? Do you correct the other person, accuse them, or think about the relationship and what is really going on between you?

What kind of amazing person do you want your partner to be?

No matter what choice you make, as long as you don't regret it in the future, it's bound to be the right choice! When you can't have your cake and eat it too, it's because you don't know what you really want, what you don't want, and what you need to give up in order to get what you want.

Be aware of your needs, prioritize them, and see what you really want! If there is a conflict, you can absolutely give up something in order to get what you want.

If you feel uncertain about your choice and may regret it, don't worry! Take some time to think about yourself and figure out what you really want before making a decision.

Many things are not perfect, but that's okay! Giving up is also a kind of wisdom to solve problems. Look at what you have now, in marriage, grasp what you want, accept imperfect others, and embrace the imperfect life.

And there's more! You can also analyze your current situation from the perspective of your family of origin.

Were your needs for love met in your family of origin? Absolutely! Were your opinions and ideas valued and respected in your family of origin? Absolutely!

Do your parents get along well? It would be great to know how they treat you!

Do they give guidance on your marriage? Absolutely! Do you talk to them when you face some difficulties? Of course!

Do you express your emotions and thoughts appropriately in normal times? If not, don't worry! You can work on this.

Wishing you the very best!

Wishing you all the best!

Hello, question owner, I'm Ying Wang, a psychological counselor.

Give each other a hug. I really empathize with your situation. I also went through three rough years in my marriage, with constant arguments that often reached the point of divorce. The reasons were the same as yours, and in the end we didn't divorce, but many times I felt a deep sense of despair. How could I get through these days, and how could I live with someone like this?

But that's all in the past. My marriage is now slowly getting back on track. We rarely argue anymore, and when we do, we can resolve our differences quickly. We no longer have the intense arguments, cold wars, or divorce threats that we had before. Our relationship has warmed up again, and looking back, I realize that the days I thought I couldn't bear are over. The person I thought I couldn't live with also cares about, concerns themselves with, and tolerates me.

I've learned two things from going through all this: first, marriage really does need to be nurtured, and second, you really need to grow in marriage.

Many people use the excuse of personality incompatibility when their marriage fails. They say, "We're not getting along because we have incompatible personalities. It's not our fault." It seems that this excuse has become a way to avoid responsibility. No two people have compatible personalities. Even for couples with a very close relationship, the two people grew up in different environments, with different family backgrounds, education, parenting styles, and life experiences. Their personalities are simply very different, and the concept of compatibility is minimal. However, this is not the cause of marriage failure.

If you want to run a good marriage, you need to stop protecting each other and accept that you have different personalities. Even if you have different personalities and disagree, you can still find a solution that satisfies both of you.

It's often the case that problems in a marriage start with minor conflicts and gradually become more serious. When two people in a marriage encounter problems, they tend to focus on arguing about who is right and who is wrong rather than trying to solve the problem. Both sides feel that it is the other person's fault and that the other person needs to change.

At this point, you're both fighting for your own best interests and acting from your own perspectives, which means you're completely sacrificing the other person's interests. If a problem arises and you have a heated argument, you need to realize that this will not lead to anything but hurt feelings.

At this point, it's important to take a step back and give each other some space to process your emotions. When you're both in a calmer state of mind, you can sit down together and work on finding a solution that benefits both of you.

For instance, when it comes to household chores, women often want the home to be tidy, while men usually have lower standards. This can lead to a lot of complaints from women and accusations from men that they don't care about their partners or love them. Men also feel aggrieved and want the home to be clean, so they clean it up. If the two parties agree on the following four methods for cleaning the house: no cleaning, the other person cleaning, cleaning by oneself, and cleaning together, it's found that both parties give the highest score to cleaning together. This means that the two people divide up the work and do the housework together, which is quickly completed and both parties are happy.

This is about using a problem-solving mindset to solve problems and conflicts in a marriage. It's better for both parties to be happier and more content than to argue about who is right and who is wrong.

Now that your marriage has hit some major snags, your husband has filed for divorce, and you've fallen for someone in your family, you're feeling a bit lost and unsure of how to proceed.

Your best bet is to take your attention away from men for now. Otherwise, no matter what choice you make, you'll probably still be unhappy. You have problems in your marriage, so you need to take responsibility. If you can't see this and grow, even if you get divorced, you'll likely still have problems when you meet the next person.

As I mentioned earlier, women need to learn to grow in marriage. You say you crave care and stability, and you've always taken it from your partner. When your partner can't give it to you, you feel pain and frustration.

It's important to understand that you don't owe anyone the care and stability you need, even if they're your husband. You have to be your own source of support. First, you need to understand why you crave care and stability so much. Not everyone has these expectations. Why do you have them? If you switch to another person, you may not have such needs, and there will be no disappointment or pain.

The reason is still inside you. It's because this is an old wound, and your inner child hasn't grown up yet. You need to grow up and heal your inner child so you don't keep looking outside for other people's care and love.

When you're facing emotional setbacks and extreme loneliness, don't focus on other people. Take your attention back and focus on yourself. From now on, take responsibility for your emotions and don't place your emotional needs on other people. Gather your courage and try to face these feelings of frustration and loneliness on your own. I know this will be painful, but you'll be reborn if you do.

These feelings are just a kind of energy. They come and go, and they don't affect you. If, late at night, you feel completely frustrated and alone, at this time, nothing is good. Take a deep breath, look at it, face it, and feel the pain as it consumes you. Your body will also be in pain, your breathing will quicken, and your chest will hurt. So, feel it. If you feel pain, then cry. If you want to vent, then pound the pillow with all your might. You need to let it out. Just like this, when you can connect with your emotions and your body, these negative emotions will eventually pass. When you calm down, you will admire yourself, you will have grown, and your inner strength will slowly grow.

When you can face negative emotions, you're not afraid of them. You're not so worried about whether others can meet your emotional needs. You can adjust yourself, love yourself, and give yourself the companionship you want. At this time, you'll also have a new understanding of men and know better what you want. You'll make the wisest choice.

I hope this helps. Best wishes!

Hello, my dear friend! I'll give you a warm hug from afar first.

I'm so happy you've reached out for help! I'm here to support you in any way I can. I can feel your deep confusion, helplessness, and longing for understanding and support right now, and I'm here to help.

From what you've told me, it's clear you want your marriage to continue and you want to give your children a happy and perfect home. You're relatively calm when faced with the decision of whether to end your unhappy marriage, which is great! You're also clear about what you gain from your marriage and what you're lacking in an emotionally involved marriage.

Your husband has proposed a divorce, but you don't want to end the marriage easily. That's okay! You just need to take the initiative to talk to your husband. Tell him your true feelings and needs. Give each other some time to calm down and reflect. Take a moment to think about what you could have done better in this marriage. What are the areas that could use some improvement? If you both want to continue the marriage, you can take the initiative to grow up. Start by growing up yourself. Think about the real reason for the constant conflicts in your marriage. Give yourself that part of your needs that you long to be responded to and met in your marriage. You can do this!

You know, apart from yourself, no one else has the obligation or responsibility to respond to and satisfy your needs. And no one knows you better than you do!

Hi, I'm Lily, the little ear of the Q&A Museum. The world loves you!

The present is great! Be grateful for the encounter!

From your description, I can feel the internal conflict within you. You want to maintain this marriage, but it cannot give you what you want—and that's okay!

As for the relationship outside of marriage, you can't escape the amazing feeling you get from being with this person, and you also know the consequences rationally.

First of all, you did it! You pulled back from that unhealthy relationship at the end of last year. That shows you are still very rational and know what you want. You were able to predict the future of that relationship, so you were able to make that decision.

Then, you can go back to the moment you made the decision and think about why you made that decision. I think it's definitely not just for the sake of the children or to avoid being criticized.

You can think about whether there are certain factors in ending the relationship for your own sake. Is there a reason why you still want to return to your current marriage? If so, then go for it! Strengthen this idea and firmly sever the relationship.

It's time to focus on you! Try to see your own inner needs and satisfy them as much as possible.

Second, you are now living apart from your husband, and there are already conflicts between you. This geographical separation will make your relationship grow weaker and weaker. But don't worry! I suggest that during this time apart, you sort out your relationship, adjust your emotions, and slowly recover your state of mind.

There are so many ways you can enrich your life! You can learn some psychology and communication skills, or study marriage and family education. You can seek help from a counselor to heal yourself, or find a listener on our platform to express your emotions. In short, take care of yourself!

Now is the time to look at the reasons you want to maintain this marriage. Don't just think about the children or your family's opposition. Think about the reasons you wanted to marry him in the first place.

Seek out opportunities to work and live together with your husband! Talk to your husband about the conflicts between you, as well as your feelings and expectations in the process.

You can do this! Don't just go to another man just to seek the care and needs that are temporarily lacking in your current marriage. These are only temporary. See these needs and satisfy yourself, or find a counselor to help you regain the ability to love yourself and learn to communicate effectively with your husband. You've got this!

I absolutely believe that if you are determined and ready to change, you will get out of this predicament!

I really hope my answer helps you out! I wish you the absolute best!

Hello, I'm Yu Hengbo, a psychological counselor. A loveless marriage can make people feel depressed, and that affair made you feel loved. However, you are limited by various moral and social opinions, and although you have your own thoughts inside, you're unsure of how to proceed. Being in such a situation can make people feel conflicted and depressed, like a caterpillar trapped in a cocoon, wanting to get out but unable to find a way out. In view of the current situation, I have the following perspectives to recommend you think about:

First, let's talk about what love is.

The love triangle theory, created by American psychologist Sternberg, says that love is made up of three basic parts: passion, intimacy, and commitment. Intimacy includes passion, understanding, communication, support, and sharing. Passion is mainly about sexual desire for the other person, which is characterized by arousal of desire for the body.

Commitment is the final piece of the love puzzle. It means you're willing to devote yourself to the person you love and actively maintain the relationship. Passion, intimacy, and commitment together make up love. Without any one of these elements, it's not love. Think of it this way: three points establish a plane. Without any one point, the plane doesn't exist.

These three components make up seven types of love: love at first sight, infatuation, empty love, romantic love, companion love, foolish love, and perfect love. Your current marriage is an example of empty love. It's not easy for you to keep your promise.

If the relationship is outside of marriage and based only on passion, it's more like infatuation. Without intimacy and commitment, it can't give you a sense of security and belonging.

However, just having the three elements doesn't guarantee that love will happen. You have to put in more effort to manage the relationship between the three. Love is an ability, and being loved is also an ability. It's something you have to work at.

Stendhal called love with the three basic elements of passion, intimacy, and commitment "perfect love" because building a stable and lasting love requires the lovers to devote their energy to nurturing and caring for it throughout their lives. This is a huge project that lasts a lifetime. In today's world, where even love requires a certain ability to sustain it, it's challenging to talk about a real love relationship in an artistic way.

It's not easy. Fromm believes that love is something you have to work on. You have to practice and experience it constantly.

2. The ability to love and be loved

Happiness isn't achieved by changing the other person. It comes from accepting the other person for who they are, growing yourself, and learning to get along with them. In a romantic relationship, when both people focus on the other person's shortcomings and how they're wrong, there's resentment and even hatred in their hearts.

After that, they either complain and blame each other or put up with it. When they really can't take it anymore, they think about breaking up. Once you start looking inward, you'll see that the problem isn't just with the other person. It's also about your inability to accept the real other person.

The truth is, as long as you're strong inside, have an intact personality, are full of love, and have the ability to love, there are many people who are suitable for you. You may be happy with any one of these people.

Are you saying you chose the wrong person, or that you and this person don't get along? One is external attribution, the other is internal attribution. One demands that the outside world change to adapt to oneself, while the other is willing to understand the outside world and change oneself to adapt to it. In love, the difference between whether someone is easily happy or not is in the thought they have when they encounter a problem: whether they attribute it externally or internally.

There are three levels of love. The first is about meeting your own needs.

The fact that you need the other person to be happy just shows that you need them, not that you love them. This is the lowest level of love because it's about satisfying your own needs and loving yourself. The second level is "self-righteous" giving.

This kind of behavior is all about giving and loving the act of giving. But it doesn't pay attention to the other person's preferences, which isn't enough to achieve happiness. The third level is meeting the other person's needs.

Take a close look at what the other person needs and start there. Then, do your best to meet those needs and show them love. When both people are focused on meeting each other's needs and loving each other in return, a deep love is created. This love can be seen in every little detail of life.

From what you've told me, it seems like you have your own ideas about love and being in love. I get the impression that you're capable of feeling love in this emotional relationship with your affair partner. But, given your commitment to your marriage and your love for your baby, I understand why you're hesitant to make a move.

I think that as long as you have the capacity to love and are a strong, well-rounded person with a full personality, there are plenty of people who are right for you. It's not just one person, but a whole group of people. So before you make a decision, it'd be good to think about what kind of life you want.

3. What kind of life do you want to live?

It seems like your marriage is on shaky ground, and your husband isn't showing any signs of trying to improve it. If you still want to be with him, you can try to patch things up. But if you're absolutely certain you don't love him and you're not sure you can make it work, you can have a serious talk with him about getting a divorce and try to get better terms for raising yourself and your baby. Remember, for the baby, the most important thing is that both parents love them and can grow up in a happy, harmonious family. If your relationship is rocky, having a marriage that gives the baby a sense of security isn't enough. Both parents need to give the child a regular and stable source of love so that the child can grow up healthy. So, on this point, whether or not you get a divorce, you need to agree with your husband.

Are you ready to break out of your comfort zone and pursue love? It's understandable if you're hesitant to take the leap because you're worried about not finding the right person.

It's possible that a man with a family might not be right for you, but as long as you're able to love and be mentally independent, I believe there will be many suitable partners for you. Many people will be attracted to your personal charm. So the most important thing is for you to think about how to make yourself happy. When you have the ability to live a stable and satisfying life on your own, I believe you will be able to find the right person.

What if your family members always have something to say about your decisions? We all feel the pressure from public opinion and are influenced by other people's comments, which can affect our mood and decisions.

Maybe it's helpful to think about this: Can anyone else live your life for you? If other people's opinions and ideas don't help them understand themselves or live a better life, we need to have the courage to be hated, let other people talk, and just take responsibility for our own lives.

We just need to keep working hard to develop ourselves, gain the confidence to live independently, enhance our ability to think independently, polish our communication skills, become adept at expressing love, accepting love, distinguishing love, rejecting love, and resolving love conflicts. With these skills, we'll be well-equipped to flourish and reach your ideal environment. And the right partner will also align with your guidance to nurture a harmonious and fulfilling relationship.

P.S. We suggest checking out the following books for more insights: "Intimacy," "The Courage to Be Disliked," and "The Five Love Languages."