The mother is authoritarian, her younger sister is falling apart and starting to go astray. What should be done?

I'm so happy to have met you!

After reading your text and the full version of your comment, I can feel that you are somewhat disappointed with this family internally. I can also sense that you feel both pity and "loathing" for your younger sister. You can empathize with her heart-wrenching cries as a child, and you can understand the immense fear and terror she felt at that moment. I can tell you feel very sorry for her.

And now she's rebelling and yelling just like her mother. It can feel really frustrating when we feel powerless to change someone's behavior, especially when we disapprove of their actions. It's natural to feel a sense of heartache and helplessness towards our younger siblings when we feel like we can't change their behavior.

You've done so well in such a challenging family environment! You've learned to draw your own boundaries, protect yourself from their influence, and clearly see the symptoms of each family member. You're doing great! I'm so proud of you. I have a few suggestions for you:

First and foremost, remember to be kind to yourself, love yourself, and nourish yourself. Let go of your expectations of your parents and don't make any unnecessary efforts. You've got this!

Be your own spiritual parent. You've got to love yourself first, so you can give love to others.

Secondly, a mother who behaves in this way is also likely to be feeling anxious, insecure and afraid on the inside. These feelings have been there for a while, so she tends to grab and control people around her. These neural circuits have already been fixed, and as soon as she feels anxious, afraid or insecure, these behaviours will appear spontaneously, without her brain's control. At that moment, she is "unconscious".

It's so hard when we don't know why we do the things we do. It's like there's an inner "pit" that we just can't seem to fill. And as long as that pit is empty, our behavior will keep repeating itself. It's so sad because she's not aware of this, and she hasn't learned from it. So it's really difficult to change her by reasoning with her.

It's okay, you've already done your best. You can't help her fill in the inner emptiness, but you can help her realize how absurd her behavior is and that she can change voluntarily. So what you can do now will not change her. You have already done your best, and your power is weak.

I really think that if you can, you should take them to a counselor or family therapist to help them heal a little. The same goes for your younger sister, who is a "replica" of your mother and who is internally as deficient as her mother. She's just trying to awaken her.

At the end of the day, parents all have their own life lessons to learn. What you can do is just be a good person yourself! It doesn't matter if it's mom and dad or your younger sister, they all have their own paths to follow. Try not to get involved in their lives, and don't feel distressed by seeing them living like this. These experiences are not pleasant, but they can also make them grow in some ways, and they are not completely without benefit.

You can be a good person yourself first, and then use your love to awaken them.

I really hope my answer helps you out, and I wish you all the best!

Hello!

I'm Kelly Shui, and I'm thrilled to be here!

[The mother's insecurity and control in the family]

1: Mom has a bit of a temper tantrum with her newborn sister, but it's totally understandable!

I didn't see the OP mention the father, but I'm sure he'll be involved soon! The OP is a very sensitive person who sees the problems in the family.

Oh, I'd love to know if she was feeling down after giving birth!

It seems that she has a lot of strong emotions!

And her relationship with her grandmother was like this, and she was raised this way by her grandmother in her early years!

Now, let's dive into the fascinating world of mom's emotions!

1: It feels like mom is anxious and has a bad temper. When she was a child, was she also scolded and denied?

Generally, anxious mothers who grew up without a sense of security are also afraid. But here's the good news! They can gain a sense of security by controlling, because they can control what is within their control. This way, they don't have to fear bad outcomes or see the bad side of things.

2: Is mom aggressive? Or is she just strong? Either way, she's amazing! Strong mothers are usually also vulnerable, but that just makes them all the more incredible.

For example, why is she still living with her grandmother when her mother is already a mother? It would be fascinating to know whether her mother enjoys being "controlled" by her grandmother!

We say that after getting married, you leave your family behind, but then my mother and grandmother are together because my grandmother "controls" her, so it seems to be grandmother-mother-sister!

I'd love to know how they interact!

And here we see that the mother has not yet become independent as a mother either. This leads me to wonder: could her approach be a continuation of her grandmother's parenting style?

3: The original poster did not mention the father, so there's still so much to discover! I'm not sure if there is any anger or resentment behind the mother's emotions, but I'm excited to find out!

1: Mom is a force of nature! She makes her younger sister eat and do things she doesn't want to do. Her younger sister also starts yelling. She also has a strong sense of control and territoriality, and a tendency towards violence in her interactions with others.

My sister is still young, but she's already become a "mother version" and also shouts and controls!

It's so interesting how similar the relationship between the mother and grandmother is!

This is the amazing intergenerational transmission of the family, and there is also the mutual influence of emotions.

So here's the good news! If possible, it is still recommended that the mother see a psychologist.

1: It would be great to know if mom is getting enough sleep!

2: And guess what? Mom's bad mood can also affect her health!

3: What's the status of mom and dad's relationship?

4: Mom just needs to grow up a bit and see the reasons behind her emotions, and then she'll be able to see her emotions for what they really are!

We highly recommend that the mother take some family therapy courses and read "Why Families Get Sick"!

[Emotions influence each other in a wonderful way!]

A family is a system, and the questioner has a keen insight and delicate emotions. When her younger sister was young, she saw some problems with family interactions, but she also saw some amazing opportunities for growth and change!

1: Don't let family members influence you! Look at yourself outside the system and see what you can do!

2: The good news is that the problem in this family is not a problem of one person, but of the grandmother and the mother. The even better news is that the mother and father need to solve the problem between them.

If possible, it would be great for grandma to withdraw from your family so that mom and dad can participate in your growth!

3: I really think dad can help this family, and I think he can help you too! (If mentioning dad makes you uncomfortable, I'm very sorry.)

4: I'm so excited to hear how dad reacts to mom's attitude!

5: The original poster should become independent and go for it!

If you are a student, go for it! Study hard, set goals for yourself, and change yourself.

Absolutely! Family matters should also be understood as parental matters.

6: You set a great example with your feelings for your younger sister. Your sister is young and trusts her mother, so you have the perfect opportunity to have an honest chat with her!

7: You understand your mother, and she feels seen and understood by you. She will also tell you the truth. The questioner can help this family and mother change some attitudes—and it's going to be great to see the positive changes that will come about!

8: You have your own ideas, and you can show your mother your growth through your own efforts. You can work together for the family and make a real difference!

9: First, identify with your mother, calm her violent emotions, understand her difficulties, and see how hard it is for her. This is an amazing opportunity for you to connect with your mother on a deeper level. By identifying with her, you can help calm her violent emotions, understand her difficulties, and see how hard it is for her.

And guess what? Your relationship with your mother will also improve!

If you and your mother have a better relationship, she will be thrilled to let you take responsibility for teaching your younger sister!

10: You and your mother both love your younger sister! Your mother is afraid that you will think for yourself and that your younger sister will listen to you, just as she has "lost you."

Be a friend to your mother and help her understand her hostile feelings towards her grandmother and her own restless heart.

Now for the fun part! It's time to understand her difficulties as a "sandwich child," her grandmother's emotions, her own emotions, and the fact that her controlling younger sister is actually insecure and afraid of losing her.

You are so smart! A family is a system, and you can use your wisdom to change your communication.

The great news is that you can start by changing yourself!

I absolutely believe your family will slowly change!

Wishing you the very best!

Hello.

I'm going to give you a warm hug. I don't know your age, but I imagine you're in high school or something similar. You are really living a hard life right now. I understand your depressed mood very much. I think if I were in your situation, I would also feel very bad.

An emotionally unstable mother, a father who doesn't know how to be tolerant and supportive, and a younger sister who is influenced by a messy environment all contribute to a toxic environment. People often describe a sharp-tongued person as having a sharp tongue but a soft heart, but in fact her heart is also full of sharp knives without her knowing it. From your description, your family lives together with three generations, and this traditional symbiotic state really makes it easy for boundaries to become blurred (kudos for your clear perception). It seems that your mother once experienced very serious emotional neglect (lack of patience and the ability to speak nicely), and is involuntarily passing this "emotional neglect" on from generation to generation. I recommend the book The Neglected Child, which provides insight into the psychological disorders that children who have experienced emotional neglect will have when they grow up, what kind of families are prone to emotional neglect, and how to heal yourself through self-care and effectively cut off intergenerational transmission.

When someone is facing such tremendous mental pressure, they need professional help to get rid of their depression more quickly and effectively and pick themselves up again. You should definitely suggest that your mother seek psychological counseling, provided that she doesn't interpret your concern as an insult.

You said, "Please don't think this is a joke or something new," so I believe that when you vented to your friends, you got an inappropriate response. It's likely that your friends just wanted to comfort you, but they unknowingly made you a little angry, which made you feel your deep inner powerlessness and anger.

You want to solve the problem, and I'm here to support you. I'm also here to tell you that you should have received emotional support and nourishment from your parents. Instead, you have to worry about the physical and mental health of the whole family. If you are still a minor, there is really not much you can do. I am afraid that even if I give you advice, you will not get positive feedback, and it will only make you sink deeper into despair.

You must take care of yourself and evolve. If you can, seek help from a psychologist. If not, learn psychology on your own. You can only love others when you love yourself. Read Winnicott's The Ladder to Heaven. It contains cases of people who have suffered severe emotional trauma in childhood. Discuss them with them at the right time in a way that parents can accept. When they understand the severity of the problem, individuals will be willing to make changes.

I am a psychological counselor, Zhang Huili. I am confident that my answer will help you. I hug you again. Never give up hope. The world and I love you.

Hello! From your description, I can feel your helplessness and hopelessness, but I also see your strength in being able to recognize these feelings. You have a strong mother who raised a younger sister who has become a strong, independent person.

I'm a psychotherapist, and I'm thrilled to share my insights from a psychological perspective. First of all, I want to applaud you for being able to grow up in such an environment and view the family environment with such clarity. Family relationships affect every member, but they haven't confused you. Instead, you're thinking about and being aware of how to change family relationships and how to help your younger sister. You're truly amazing!

You go, girl! I'm really interested in your upbringing and how you managed it.

Think about it!

I'm curious, though, about your description. It doesn't mention your dad at all! What kind of father is he, and how does he deal with your strong-willed mother?

I'd love to know more about how your parents interact with each other. I can see you're always anxious when you see conflict in the family, but I'm sure there are ways you can help! What about your father?

It seems that you have taken on a role without realizing it, which is great! Why is that? Is the role of father missing?

Your decision not to mention your father is also a point worth considering!

Your sister's upbringing was a bit of a rollercoaster, with some tough moments along the way. Your mother was feeling a bit anxious and basically relied on relieving pressure to control the family members. In your sister's upbringing, being suppressed was transformed into another form of control. She has a strong connection with her mother, but they both have some big fears deep down. If they lose control, they will lose control, become emotional and act on their feelings. So if you want to adjust the relationship in your family, you need to find a professional teacher and go for family therapy. Growing up in an environment like yours also has some intense emotions inside, and you have chosen to talk and emotionally isolate yourself. This is also a great thing about you, including your willingness to ask for help, which is a fantastic way to relieve and release pressure.

How do you adjust? First, you have to learn to take care of yourself! And you can do it!

I'd love to hear your thoughts on the situation in your family! How do you feel about it? What are your emotions?

It's time to express yourself! How does your mother respond after you express yourself? Does she listen to you or does she treat you the same way as she treats your sister? This is not important.

Second, it's time to start expressing your thoughts! This is an amazing step because it allows you to share your internal repressed emotions in words, rather than expressing them with emotions and behaviors like your mother and sister. Your stability can also adjust the family atmosphere, and you can also describe the interactions between your mother and sister and express your needs, so that they can see their words and actions. When people are emotional, they vent without thinking, and it is an unconscious expression. Afterwards, they will also regret it. Third, adjust yourself by learning to seek help from resources, such as going to the hospital for examination. Your mother's emotional outburst is also a manifestation of anxiety. How about your sister's behavior at home? How about her interactions with classmates or teachers at school? It is also necessary to go to the hospital for examination. You can also go for individual therapy or family therapy, so that professional teachers can give you professional help!

Finally, I want to give you a big hug! You are amazing for seeking help on this platform. This is a great step towards growth. Expressing your feelings will lead to the help you need. Keep learning and working hard. You can help yourself and then help your family members. The world and I love you, and you must love yourself too. You've got this!