The partner does not care about himself, why would he give such feedback?

Hello.

You feel disappointed and desperate about your marriage because you don't feel cared for by your partner. Let me give you a warm hug. Your marriage is not just a matter of a lack of care.

You also have significant communication issues. If you want to improve your marriage, you both need to make an effort and make changes.

[A correct understanding of marriage will improve your sense of well-being]

Before entering into marriage, each of us carries the disappointment of our original family and the beautiful vision of a new relationship. The story of the suffering princess meeting her prince charming is old-fashioned, but it has taken root in every woman's heart. We are lonely, helpless, and lack a sense of security, worthiness, and intimacy. We all hope that our partner in marriage will bring us these psychological satisfactions.

People with an inner world that lacks substance have no way of meeting someone in a marriage who is overflowing with inner abundance and love. The other person also has the same goal, just like you, and wants to feel secure, valued, and close to their partner. This is why two people who take from each other in this way will inevitably become more stingy and more loveless.

In his book, The Art of Love, Erich Fromm makes it clear that love is not something you can simply obtain. It is a capacity that you must develop. Without the capacity to love your neighbor, without sincere humility, courage, loyalty, and self-control, you will never be able to obtain satisfying personal love.

Improving your ability to empathize will undoubtedly improve your sense of well-being.

Men and women are different. If you don't understand this, you'll create endless problems for yourself. Women are better at emotional communication and building connections between people.

Men are more action-oriented. If you tell your husband you feel sick, you're not giving him a clear instruction for action. You're hoping he'll care for you. He's interpreting it differently—he's hoping you'll come up with a solution. He's obviously at a loss with this internal illness, so he responds with a "Hmm." This ineffective communication is making you more uncomfortable. Do you want to continue training his ability to care for people by escalating the war?

He was certain that the war would confirm an all-too-obvious truth about himself: his inability to communicate with feminine emotions.

Let's be clear: nobody is born knowing how to run a good marriage. Everyone needs to constantly reflect on and learn to improve their ability to run a marriage. It's obvious that your marriage needs to improve the ability of both parties to empathize in order to elevate it. Learning and education are very good ways to make progress, but war is not.

Read two books: "The Power of Empathy" by the author, which says that to understand others and their world, you must abandon your self-centered perspective. Through an other-centered perspective brought about by empathy, you will find that your problems become less difficult to solve, and your world expands, becoming richer and more interesting.

One book is "Feeling Loved: The Art of Finding Happiness in Intimacy," in which the author writes: "The loneliness, sadness, anger, and anxiety in our hearts are largely due to our inability to feel the love of others. Not being able to form a mutually supportive bond with a partner can create a deep sense of isolation, which can keep someone from true happiness."

I am a psychological counselor, Zhang Huili. I am confident my answer will help you, and I am certain you will gain the ability to be happy soon.

The response is immediate and available. It is imperative to recognize the value of the encounter and express gratitude for it.

From your written account, it is evident that you are experiencing feelings of disappointment and anger due to your partner's seemingly indifferent response. It is natural to feel this way in such a situation. Please accept my sincere condolences and best wishes for your well-being.

In the event of illness, it is reasonable to expect care and support from one's partner. However, the response of simply offering a neutral, unresponsive "hmm" falls far short of this expectation. This lack of care and support can lead to feelings of sadness, disappointment, and anger.

Best regards.

Firstly, it is evident that the subject is experiencing a significant degree of discomfort. The individual in question ceases cooking and awaits the return of their partner, with the expectation that they will demonstrate care and concern. However, the response they receive is merely a monosyllabic "hmm."

It is generally accepted that men are more rational than women, who are more emotional. This is evidenced by the fact that men do not beat around the bush; as evidenced by his response, "What should I say?"

His response, "What should I say/what else can I say?," also reflects another point. He may often be at a loss for words in the face of your arguments and simply decide not to explain himself.

Secondly, the assertion is made in an angry tone, "What use is a husband like that?" This does not, however, achieve the desired result of eliciting care from him. The question is then posed, "What did your family teach you? You don't care about people," which may intensify the problem by attacking his family. This will further dissuade him from caring about her.

Third, the domestic sphere is not a setting conducive to rational discourse; it is, rather, a space for the expression of love. If one desires a change in the other's behaviour, it is possible to do so by consistently expressing one's needs. For example, one might say, "Honey, I feel a little sick after drinking the coffee, I want to throw up, I need you to take care of me and pour me a cup of hot water, I'll take a break first, okay?"

A husband who cares for his wife also requires guidance and direction from her. It is important for her to recognize and respond promptly to his efforts. Marriage is a partnership between two individuals. If he consistently responds to her so quickly, she should consider how she responds to him.

It would be beneficial to reflect on the reasons for your initial decision to marry him. It is unlikely that he was consistently cold and indifferent; such a transformation would not have occurred instantaneously.

It is recommended that you read the books Nonviolent Communication and Intimacy.

Ultimately, you will experience anger in response to his reaction, and you will recognize that your anger is driven by a deep-seated need for care, understanding, and warmth. If he is unable to fulfill your needs, it is essential to prioritize self-care and inner strength to avoid being unduly influenced by the actions of others.

It is my hope that this response is of some assistance to you, and that you find the best of fortune in your endeavors.

Hello, dear. I can see you're feeling a bit confused right now, so I just wanted to give you a hug.

I wonder if, when you are not feeling well, you might not know how to give positive feedback, and if this could be related to his family of origin.

I wonder if this might be the case.

When you ask him how his family taught him not to care about people, he doesn't offer much in the way of a response.

I believe it would be beneficial for you to learn more about your husband's family of origin.

It might be the case that when he was growing up, when he told his family about some of his feelings, they didn't pay as much attention to his needs as they could have done.

Perhaps this is why he struggles to care for others.

I don't think we can blame him for this.

It could be said that how he treats others is influenced by those around him.

If his in-laws never showed him any love and care when he was growing up, it would be very difficult for him to be able to care about other people.

Perhaps it would be beneficial for you and your husband to consider couples counseling together as a way of improving the situation.

I truly hope that you can find a solution to the problem you're facing soon.

I hope I have provided you with some helpful insights. I wish you the best in finding a solution to this problem.

I hope my answers above will be helpful and inspiring to you. I am the respondent, and I study hard every day.

Here at Yixinli, we extend our warmest regards to you and your loved ones.

Thanks for the invite. After reading the questioner's confession, I totally get why you're feeling frustrated: your lover didn't come to your aid when you needed him.

Now you're wondering why he's so indifferent to your needs.

There are a few different scenarios that could be at play here.

First, we have habits. This includes how he lives and how you communicate.

He's always been a care recipient and never learned how to care for others.

Your usual communication habits mean that when he sends out signals that he wants to be taken care of, he gets the same treatment in return.

Second, there's probably something going on. When someone's troubled, they often don't listen to what others say.

Third, maturity. A tree can handle being climbed on and leaned on.

To put it another way, this applies to us as well.

If you say that a wife is there to be loved, that's true. But if you don't get the love you imagine, the "heartfelt love" you see in movies and TV dramas, you feel lost. You say we don't have enough fortitude, that we can't stand on our own, and that we need support.

If we don't see this, we'll look for the other person's flaws, thinking they don't love us enough or that they're not enough.

One last thing to consider is that "uncomfortable" is a pretty broad term, and it's used so casually that it might not be enough to get the other person's attention.

The little things in life can make passion fade, but if you manage your life well, you can still have an exciting life. Get to know the other person, but also know yourself.

Everyone has needs, and just because you're together doesn't mean you should do everything.

It's also important to be clear and accurate in how you express yourself. If you don't make your intentions clear, it's unlikely you'll get the results you want.

It'd be good to learn a little psychology to help you discover, perceive, and understand the source of emotions; examine, experience, and judge feelings; and finally use it as the topic for a reflection essay.

Ultimately, if you focus on what others are doing wrong, you'll just end up feeling worse about yourself.

Taking the time to reflect on your own thoughts and feelings is an important step towards becoming a more mentally mature person.

Hello. From your description, it seems that you are disappointed in your husband. It appears that he is unable to express the words you expect, which may be causing him sadness and frustration.

As a psychotherapist, I would like to offer my perspective from a psychological standpoint. First, I am curious to understand your perspective. You have been with your husband for a few years, so I wonder if you feel that he has changed recently.

Could I ask whether this is how he usually responds to you?

Secondly, in the example you gave today, it seems you particularly expect him to pay attention to your body. You also mentioned a particular longing in your heart, a gastrointestinal reaction after drinking coffee, and nausea. Could I ask why this triggered a strong reaction in you?

Could I ask whether you feel that he is disregarding you?

I believe this is something you should be aware of as well.

First, if your husband has always been somewhat indifferent to your feelings, and you say you feel a bit sick after drinking coffee, and he responds with a simple "Hm," then that is a characteristic of his personality. You say that he responded, and he knows, and you can continue to express that you feel very uncomfortable and that you don't want to cook. Your husband will also respond accordingly, "Okay, you go rest, I'll do it."

This is often a characteristic of men in science and engineering. You tell me, I listen, and I do whatever you want to express clearly. It may be helpful to continue expressing your true inner thoughts rather than letting him guess. It can be challenging for him to know how to answer your inner needs.

Second, if your husband is usually very warm and caring, and today he is indifferent to your attitude, it might be helpful to consider that he may be experiencing emotions that he doesn't know how to express. As a straight man, he may also benefit from learning to love and care for you in a way that aligns with your needs.

Instead of emotional expressions, what did your family teach you? (This is evaluative language with an accusatory tone, which should be used sparingly in a partner relationship as it can be hurtful.) Confronting accusations may evoke strong emotions in the other person, which could potentially lead to a cycle of accusations that can be damaging to the relationship.

Third, you may also be feeling emotional today and may be seeking to be seen and noticed. There may be a sense of testing to see if he truly loves you. However, this may lead to feelings of sadness and even doubt about how you have managed to get through all these years together. This is also your projection. It would be helpful to understand where your anxiety comes from today.

Mutual communication and exchange are also important in a partnership. Everyone has different personality traits and attachment patterns. It can be helpful to express conflicts without emotion, using descriptive language, in order to understand oneself and the other person and achieve inner communication. In your description, you seem to be focusing on your own experience, and it's understandable that you might want the other person's attention. However, if this is not acknowledged or addressed, it can lead to emotional distress for both of you.

Finally, your expression today may be an example, but it can be felt that it has also accumulated over a period of time and exploded tonight. Being able to detect it in time and express it in words on the platform is also a way of wanting to solve the problem. This is the best stage for solving problems. Only by speaking out will people be able to provide multi-dimensional help from different perspectives. It would be beneficial for you to learn to love yourself.

Dear Questioner, From your description, it appears that when you feel uncomfortable, you inform your partner. However, your partner's response does not align with your expectations, or the other person's response makes you feel unappreciated. Best regards, [Name]

1. Please clarify your expectations regarding the desired response.

It is natural to have expectations of others, particularly when we are in a situation that makes us feel uncomfortable. It is important to remind yourself that your partner wants a positive response from you and that you feel the warmth of love. From your description, it seems that you are feeling a little down and a little anxious about the nausea caused by drinking coffee.

It is important to note that physical pain can lead to the onset of negative emotions, which in turn may result in a negative response to others.

It is anticipated that the husband will provide reassurances when the wife discloses the incident, such as "How did this happen? Do we need to go to the hospital?" If the wife receives such assurances, her emotional state is expected to improve.

2. The interaction between emotions

When the other person responds to your "uh-huh," it is evident that their response reinforces your negative emotions. At this juncture, you did not elaborate on your needs, and you anticipate that the other person will take a specific action.

I informed him that I was not feeling well. He then asked what he should say in response.

I am extremely displeased. I stated that I find it futile to have a husband like that.

He stated that it was futile. After a period of time, I inquired as to what values his family instilled in him.

It would appear that you no longer care about people. He has ceased communicating with you.

Instead, a series of labels are applied to the other person: "What's the use of a husband?" "If you had only taught me..." "Why are you so inconsiderate?" Under the influence of negative emotions, do these expressions make you feel that your husband cares more about you, or do they make you angry for no reason and make the problem seem bigger than it is?

If you are in a positive mood, you will know exactly what you need: care. For example, you might say, "Honey, I don't feel well. Could you please get me a glass of water?"

If I am still unwell in the near future, would you be so kind as to accompany me to the hospital? Please wait. Do you feel that asking the other person to do specific things has had any impact on your relationship?

I suspect you also felt sad at the time and were unsure of the most appropriate course of action. It is clear that emotions have an impact on your marital relationship.

3. Avoid hasty conclusions about the relationship.

When an individual is in a negative emotional state, they may perceive their circumstances as unfavorable. Denying another person's contributions, labeling them as unreliable, and failing to recognize their value can result in a loss of emotional stability. This, in turn, can lead to a more inflexible and rigid approach to relationships. Such a state is not conducive to effective problem-solving or the maintenance of a healthy relationship.

Negative emotions can impede progress. Reflect on the extent to which your husband demonstrated care. If the answer is "not at all," consider how your marriage managed to last this long.

When we are in a positive frame of mind, we are more likely to view challenges from a different perspective.

4. His feedback is relevant to our situation.

It is important to note that the relationship between two individuals in a marriage is a mutual one. It is crucial to understand that providing feedback to one another at such times can lead to feelings of distress. It is essential to communicate to the other person that their response has caused you sadness and that you are not satisfied with it. It is often the case that we are unaware of the changes in our emotions, yet we continue to criticise and accuse the other person based on our emotions. This can result in an emotional confrontation, which diverts us from our original direction.

When expectations are not met, it is also an opportunity to realign the relationship.

Similarly, how do you feel when the other party provides feedback using the same terminology you have used?

From my perspective, it is evident that you are seeking a more understanding response from your husband.

I advise you to:

It would be beneficial to speak with the other person and inform them that you were experiencing a high level of distress at the time and had hoped for some form of comfort from them. However, seeing their response at that moment only served to intensify your feelings of sadness. This approach may not allow either party to fully meet their own needs, potentially leading to a further deterioration of the situation. It is crucial to recognize that this is not a desirable outcome.

If you wish to elicit a caring response from your husband, it is essential to gain an understanding of his concerns and recognise that taking action to address them constitutes a demonstration of care.

I empathize with your sentiments, particularly the sense of disappointment.

From the events you describe, it appears that there is a lack of communication between you and your partner. It seems that he either is unable to discern your emotions or is unsure of how to express his own feelings.

It would be beneficial to establish a more effective communication mechanism.

It would be beneficial to ascertain whether your partner's lack of concern is a consistent pattern or merely a one-off occurrence. Additionally, it is important to determine whether you are able to discern his emotions.

It is important to note that feelings are mutual. Therefore, if one desires a perfect lover, complaining is an ineffective strategy. What is required is guidance.

Let us examine the content of your discourse. Does the underlying message align with the stated words?

"I consumed coffee and I am experiencing a significant adverse reaction." - Provide solace and assistance.

"Hm." - I am aware of your condition and believe you possess the capacity to regulate it independently.

"Please elucidate the rationale behind your response, 'hmm,' when I explicitly conveyed that I was not feeling well."

"What do you want me to say?" The speaker's question is unclear. It is not evident what the other party is seeking in response. The use of the word "you" in the question is also problematic, as it does not specify the desired response. The speaker's use of the word "you" could be perceived as a form of male chauvinism.

"So what's the point of having a husband like that?" "Aren't you going to provide some emotional support?"

"It's useless." - Why am I being admonished?

If one asserts that a course of action is futile, then it is indeed so.

"What did your family teach you? Don't you care about people?"

– Should you not be demonstrating some concern?

There was a prolonged silence. – What are you referring to with regard to my family?

It is evident that a significant proportion of men are not adept at articulating their emotions, and this is often attributed to the socialization they undergo during their upbringing. Traditionally, boys have been discouraged from expressing their emotions, particularly through outward displays such as crying.

It is therefore possible that, after growing up and starting a family, he may still not know how to express himself very well. Based on the information provided in the conversation, it is not possible to ascertain his thoughts and feelings with any certainty.

One thing, however, is clear: your husband is demonstrably inept at expressing himself.

Indeed, an alternative approach to this discussion could be beneficial. It would be more productive to state your needs directly, rather than allowing your husband to make assumptions.

"I consumed the coffee and I am experiencing a pronounced adverse reaction."

"Hm."

"Why did you simply nod in response to my assertion that I was unwell?"

"You must then inform me of the appropriate response."

"Given that you recently engaged in childcare responsibilities and I am currently experiencing a decline in my physical condition, I am unable to assume the role of preparing a meal. Would you be so kind as to take on this task?"

"Alternatively, one might suggest, 'Actually, I don't need you to do anything either. The meal is already ready, and I want to take a good rest this afternoon.' Or, one might propose, 'Come and give my back a massage.'"

An alternative suggestion would be to say, "Please come and sit with me for a while."

...

It is recommended that you read the book "Nonviolent Communication." Your communication style is an example of violent communication. Nonviolent communication involves clearly expressing one's needs without escalating the conflict.

It is imperative that individuals assume responsibility for their emotional states. Even when experiencing anger, it is possible to express that emotion in a constructive manner. For instance, one might say, "Your response of 'hmm' without inquiry made me feel that you were indifferent to my feelings, which caused me sadness." This approach differs from simply attributing blame.

As a result, attributing responsibility to the other person immediately activates their defensive response. It is important to note that being blamed is an experience that most people find unpleasant.

It would be beneficial for the poster and her partner to engage in more communication, particularly regarding family matters, and to provide guidance to him on how to express his thoughts. It would be advantageous for them to identify an effective method of communication and to implement it as soon as possible, with the aim of fostering a happy marriage.

Hello, question owner,

From what you said, it seems like you told your partner about how you felt because you were a little sick to your stomach. But it seems like your partner didn't say anything comforting to you, not even words or actions of concern. It's understandable that you feel angry, devastated, and sad about your marriage.

It seems there's no connection between your relationship style and that of other couples who have a closer bond. It's possible that you're both reluctant to engage in in-depth communication about communication and getting along.

Here's how to solve it:

[1] Learn to express your feelings and needs.

For instance, if you're feeling unwell or in a bad mood, you could say something like, "Honey, I feel really bad right now. I feel a bit nauseous. I hope you can care for me a little and help me..."

.

It's important to be able to express your feelings and needs directly if you want to manage an intimate relationship well. You've got to be able to say what you need out loud for your partner to understand.

[2] I'd suggest reading the book The 5 Love Skills.

This book is all about identifying the skills and traits you need in an intimate relationship. You can learn some of these skills from the book. It also helps you understand what makes an intimate relationship work. I think you'll find this book useful.

[3] Be open and communicate with your partner.

In this situation, we need to find a way to connect with our partner on a less sexual level, communicate with him in a positive way, and tell him what we're thinking. At the same time, we need to establish a new communication model. We don't have to pretend to be sad, but we should show our true side to our partner, hoping that he will care for and love us.

[4] You might want to think about seeking counseling.

This is when we have problems and conflicts with our partner, and it seems like you and your partner are both reluctant to communicate. But avoiding communication will only make things worse. You can seek counseling to figure out what kind of relationship model is best for you.

At the end of the day, intimate relationships require management skills, and we need to learn together. It's important to establish an intimate connection with your relationship, identify your own and your partner's problems, tackle them head-on, communicate positively, and then your marriage can be managed very well.

I hope these opinions are useful to you.

The original poster is

I'm Kelly Shui, a heart detective.

My partner doesn't seem to care about me much. Why would he respond like this?

After reading your questions, I realized this is also the norm in my married life.

Let's go over this again:

1. Will he take care of people before getting married? Is he careful and considerate?

2. Will he take care of his parents?

3: How would you take care of him if he were sick?

You're basically just talking to yourself about these things.

[Each other's original families]

For instance, before I got married, when I was dating my husband, he was pretty indifferent. He didn't take care of me when we ate, and usually when I told him to do something, he wouldn't do it. He was one of those people who didn't care.

I've also never had any experience in relationships. I was chased after before, and this was sort of the first time with him, so I thought that was how boys were.

As it turns out, we can see some parenting styles in our respective original families.

1: The way his parents interact with him will affect how he interacts with his own family.

2. How he interacts with his parents will also affect his relationship with his wife.

3: We can also find these patterns in ourselves.

For instance, my father is very attentive and a perfectionist. I took care of him when he fell ill after we got married, just like my father took care of my mother.

I never thought there was another way.

I didn't start learning about family therapy until I'd been disappointed time and time again in my 25-year marriage, and last year I became depressed.

4: How we were raised affects us. After marriage, we each become more like our respective parents from the two families.

For instance, after I got married, I found myself in a cycle, and at the time, I couldn't understand my husband's cold response at all.

Now I understand that he is like this with everyone, including his parents, his children, and me.

5: Once you're married, whether it's raising kids or an intimate relationship, you've got to keep learning.

If your husband is up for it, you can read psychology books together and get some personal growth coaching.

If we understand ourselves, we can also see that my husband's lack of comfort may be more of a disappointment.

Could this be related to our upbringing?

For instance, my mother struggled to care for others, and I was left feeling let down. When I was younger, my mother often fell ill and was unable to provide the care and attention I needed.

I make sure to give this part of marriage my full attention.

As it happens, my husband is also someone who can't take care of me, so I've also once doubted whether he loves me.

6: I'd recommend reading Growing in Your Relationship.

[Open communication]

If we understand that my husband doesn't mean it out of malice but because he didn't learn this kind of experience as a child, how should we handle it?

For instance, when a couple has a disagreement, the husband might say, "What did your family teach you?"

Don't you care about someone?

What are your thoughts when you hear that?

I remember that when my husband heard me ask him this question, he didn't respond.

Afterwards, he told me that I should focus on the issue at hand and not the person.

Don't blame his parents.

I'll just say, "I don't feel well, I need your help."

If you wouldn't mind, could you pour me a glass of warm water?

I can especially relate to the original poster's mood. At the time, I didn't understand why he would have formed such a response.

You can communicate with your husband. When he was a child, he wasn't feeling well. How did his parents communicate with him?

Have an honest chat with your husband and encourage him more in your daily interactions as a couple. Affirm him and be honest about how you want him to respond to you.

1: If they don't express their care better, we can still communicate with each other to understand each other's needs.

2: I'd understand if something similar happened to me now. Either he doesn't mean it badly, or he just can't express himself because he hasn't been taken care of.

3: It's also possible that he hasn't learned how to take care of others yet, but he can learn through experience.

4: We're in tune with our emotions and communicate our feelings.

My husband is introverted, just like the questioner said about your husband not speaking.

It's possible that they don't communicate well and also think they're being tolerant and accommodating.

I've been thinking about this a lot this year. I've seen his weaknesses, but I've also written a lot about his strengths.

Maybe it's because of our marriage that we've been able to persevere for the past 25 years.

Even though our partners can't care for us when we're vulnerable, and we can't rely on them, we feel like our married life is very cold, and we despair.

We recognize our own shortcomings and realize that many people face similar challenges in their marriages.

We should try to be more understanding and look for the positive aspects. For example, if my husband takes the kids out to play, it shows that he still loves them very much.

Drinking coffee that makes us feel unwell also gives us growth. Next time, I'll drink less coffee to avoid that.

Marriage is like the weather: sometimes it's stormy, and sometimes it's calm.

We're on the same page when it comes to our emotions.

I wish you all the best.