Unable to accept myself, always living in the past, I seem to be stuck in a thinking trap.

It can be challenging to accept oneself fully, which can lead to feelings of dissatisfaction with oneself and one's shortcomings. When we can embrace our imperfections and work towards positive change, we can find greater satisfaction and acceptance within ourselves.

Another way to approach this is to accept yourself as you are, without necessarily changing yourself. If you can learn to distinguish between what is within your control and what is not, you can accept yourself. Many people who don't accept themselves find themselves living at the mercy of others, depending on other people's opinions and living their lives according to other people's wishes.

It is important to note that there is a distinction between communicating with a counselor or consultant and forming an interpersonal relationship. The relationship established through psychological counseling is a professional and focused one, rather than an ordinary interpersonal relationship.

It's important to remember that interpersonal relationships are different from professional relationships. While professional relationships are valuable, they shouldn't replace the need for interpersonal connections.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider that repeating the same things over and over again may not be the most effective approach. It's possible that dwelling on past unhappy experiences without making changes may not be the most productive way to move forward.

It seems that your anxiety about the unknown future may be indicating that you are not fully living in the present. It appears that you may be avoiding your work, life, and social interactions in two ways: by dwelling on the past and worrying about the future, which may be causing you to deceive yourself and others, and hiding from the present.

Additionally, there seems to be a somewhat significant reliance on the confidant, which may be hindering your ability to progress. It appears that you and the confidant have both drawn circles, which could be interpreted as a reflection of your continued struggles to move forward.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider that when we confide in others, we often pour out the same things every day, and the other person listens to the same things every day. This is the effect of confiding in a tree hole: the tree hole just listens, without focusing on solving or resolving the problem.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider that you and the other person are saying the same thing, which may be why you're going around in circles.

It seems that you feel you have no job and no one loves you. However, it's important to remember that someone without a job may still have income. Could I ask how you plan to survive without an income? Where will the money come from to pay for food, clothing, housing, transportation, and utilities?

It's worth noting that those who don't work often have the support of others, which provides them with the means to pursue other options. Many people aspire to live without working, but the reality is that the majority of people lack the necessary resources to do so. You, on the other hand, have the resilience and resources to live without working.

There is much to consider here. The issue you're facing is a complex one. You've expressed that you feel unloved, but it's important to assess whether your conscience is clear and whether your circumstances are reasonable.

For instance, you have extended love to all those around you, and you truly care for them all. However, they may not feel the same way about you. You have given to them, and they have not given to you. In this situation, you might feel that you have a clear conscience and that they all owe you.

I believe that the truth is something you will come to understand as well.

Hello, I hug you.

Your current situation is sad and anxiety-provoking.

But you also said you don't want to move forward.

Is your current situation what you want? Or is it just your comfort zone?

A comfort zone is not a happy place. It is a place where people feel at home and can cope.

You're used to chatting with the therapist and repeating yourself.

You probably need this pattern because going to a therapist doesn't help. It's also part of the problem and a comfort zone for you.

Your family is involved in your symptoms too. How long have you been out of work?

Where do you get your money from? People have to spend money to live.

You don't work, but you can afford a therapist and $10 for a question. Where does your money come from?

If you have money even if you don't work, look at your situation differently.

I may not have a job, but I have money.

I don't have a lover, but I have money.

I don't have kids, but I have money.

I may end up living alone, but I have money.

Wait.

.

.

If you rely on your family for expenses, you think they're burdened by you. But how do they see it?

If they don't see it as a burden, they're involved in your situation.

If others think you are a burden, they may need you in your current situation.

If you weren't holding them back, what would their lives be like if you just went to work, got married, and had kids like anyone else?

What impact does it have on them?

The family is a system. Everyone in the system influences each other. Your current situation may not be the result of your own efforts alone. So try to put yourself in the family system and look at it.

Look at how family interactions affect each other.

Talk to a family therapist.

As we said earlier, you can choose to change your situation. Talk to a counselor with a family therapy background.

We'll explain what you can do. Let's say you need to change the situation. Going to a counselor is an effort to change things, but it's not working.

First, change your perspective.

Many problems start with a lack of acceptance.

There's a counseling segment.

Zhang San has bedwetting. It makes him feel bad. But then he gets better.

"How did you get better?"

John Doe says, "I found a counselor."

Then someone asked, "Did the psychologist cure your bedwetting?"

Zhang San said, "He made me accept that I wet the bed."

The counselor changes the way Zhang San looks at the problem, so that bedwetting becomes: bedwetting – so what if you wet the bed, it's no big deal.

That's not painful, is it?

If you have enough money, you can lie down. Money can solve most problems.

I want to lie down every minute, but I can't. I have to answer questions here with a bitter heart.

If you don't have enough money to relax, accept it and think about why. Maybe I didn't work hard enough, maybe I'm unlucky, maybe I have a bad personality, maybe I'm not decisive enough. But I have to say that things are very bad now.

But you don't have to live like this forever.

The first step is to accept your responsibilities and other people's problems. But who knows about the future?

Second, get moving.

You're already taking action. You went to a listening therapist and you're asking questions here.

Think about why you sought out a listening therapist. This may be important to you and could help you change.

I don't know your situation, so I can't give you specific advice.

Get your life in order. Get up on time, get dressed, have breakfast at home or go out, then go to the library.

You can go for a workout in the afternoon.

You could pretend you have a job and follow the rhythm of work. Use the time you would normally spend working to read, exercise, or volunteer.

We'll see what happens. The most important thing is to get out and move, even if it's just pretending, with minimal stress.

It might not work because I don't know enough about your situation.

Talk to a counselor.

I'm a counselor who is sometimes optimistic.

Let me give you a hug first. I'm a woman of a similar age, and I've had similar feelings. This isn't just a problem you're facing; it's a problem many middle-aged women encounter. But in your text, I see more than what you've described. I see that you're clear about your state and that you want to change but feel powerless. You've fallen into a dead end. The more you try to change, the more painful it is, and it's difficult to accept yourself and your state. You understand the reasoning but can't settle in the present moment. I have something to say to you.

Everyone has some inherent thinking patterns and habits. We are carried along by these patterns without knowing it. It's great that you can be aware of your own state. If you can't be aware, you'll magnify your experiences, attach all kinds of labels to them, and agree with the answers your mind gives you. But are they real?

It is just a feeling and a state of mind.

Your beliefs shape your reality. The people and things around you reflect your inner self, and confronting the outside world is confronting your inner self. It's not easy to change your core beliefs, but you can establish new beliefs to replace the old ones.

Positive thinking is also very helpful.

Comparing yourself to others will never make you happy. Everyone experiences things differently. We often only see the results others get, but not the process they go through. If we care too much about the results, we forget our original intentions. Jealousy is not necessarily bad. Dare to think, and there is a possibility of achieving it. This can also become a driving force for self-improvement. It depends on how we use it. If we envy what others have and always stare at what we don't have, then jealousy will turn into the power to attack others or ourselves. Judging and attacking ourselves will only bring harm to ourselves.

Regretting the past and worrying about the future is a waste of energy. If you use all your energy on these things, you won't have any left for the present. The future is made up of each and every present moment. You need to settle your mind and build confidence in the future. Maybe at first you can't dwell in the present, and you fall into remorse and worry. But you need to remind yourself to return to the present.

Finally, I want to say, don't be too hard on yourself, and don't label yourself. You are always capable of more. As long as you face it with all your heart, you can do it. Don't negate your whole life just because you haven't achieved your goals for the time being. You will achieve them. I believe that there must be moments of joy and good feelings in your life. We are not an island, but one mind. Bless yourself more and learn to truly love yourself.

Good day, my name is Zeyu.

Discussing issues with others can be an effective way to resolve them. Even if the same points are raised repeatedly, expressing them verbally can help to clarify the situation and provide a sense of resolution. Expressing emotions such as sadness can also have a therapeutic effect.

When we recognize that we are dwelling on past regrets and future concerns, and that we are reluctant to move forward, we are demonstrating self-awareness. Being able to perceive and evaluate one's own beliefs is an essential aspect of this. Currently, your self-evaluation is negative, with a perception of low self-worth. However, is this a fair assessment?

While this may be perceived as reality, Ellis' ABC theory suggests otherwise. A represents the event itself that triggers our emotions, B represents our perceptions and thoughts about the event, and C represents the result of the event and the various emotions it triggers. However, the reality is that B causes C.

Our perception of events is influenced by our concepts. When we view life's events with a negative concept, we may feel that we are worthless and unable to perform well. However, this is not necessarily the case. It is a deviation in our perception of ourselves and a deliberate generalization. In reality, we are capable of performing well and demonstrating love.

In the present moment, we can test these beliefs by asking the opposite question and finding corresponding examples in life. Even if we can only find one example, the reason for looking for an example is to prove to ourselves that we are not what we think we are and that there are exceptions to everything. The fact that we are currently stuck in the present moment is not because we are unwilling to act; perhaps the reason is that we are not yet ready. But by being brave enough to try and express ourselves, we have already started the journey of change.

Change is akin to a seed. You have already initiated the process, and now you just need to wait for the optimal moment for it to take root, sprout, blossom, and bear fruit. The waiting period is a crucial aspect of the change process. You will undoubtedly encounter a range of experiences during this period. It is essential to allow yourself more time, demonstrate greater tolerance and understanding, and maintain unwavering belief in yourself.

I ask that you believe, without exception, that you are worthy of love.

Dear Sir/Madam, I appreciate that your current situation is challenging to accept.

The most direct factor contributing to your conflict or anxiety is your age, which is not what one would typically expect for someone in your age group.

The situation is currently chaotic.

However, after so many years, I don't believe you have much time to dwell on the past or the capacity to indulge in it. There is not even time or energy to grieve.

If no action is taken to improve the situation now, there is a risk that it will remain the same or even deteriorate in the near future.

This may be a sensitive issue, and that is an objective fact.

Next, you need to take action on a task that is not difficult:

Allocate half a month or a month to identify your needs and wants.

If you are unable to do this at the moment, please redirect your attention to other tasks, such as copying books or articles.

2. Classify the contradictions, identify a suitable solution in line with your priorities, and adhere to it.

3. Enhance your sense of self-worth. Given that the majority of your energy and time are currently devoted to stress, anxiety, and the negative consequences of being let go, it is crucial to identify ways to replenish your resources.

It is unproductive to remain in a state of prolonged sadness.

4. Given your current circumstances, it is advisable to have someone accompany you through this challenging period.

I wish you the best of luck!

My dear, let me give you a hug. Even though you are already 38 years old, you are still a child in my eyes. I feel a little sorry for you, but I also feel excited for you!

You seem to be living in your own world, which is great! You say you have no job, no lover, and no children, but you have so much time to explore your creativity!

Always living in the past is a worrying state, but it doesn't have to be! You can get out of it. It's not easy, but you can do it!

But my child, if you don't even have a job, what do you live on? Is it true that your parents are still supporting you?

If so, it's time to realize that you have so much more than you think! You may not have a job, a lover, or children, but you still have the love of your parents and the care of your loved ones. In other words, you actually have the most essential things, and you are not poor!

You say you always regret, always living in the past, jealous of people who have more than you. I wonder how long you've been in this state?

It's never worked or worked and given up. I don't think there's anything strange about jealousy, because most people long for what they don't have, thinking that if they have what they want, they will be perfect. And that's a great thing!

When you don't have a mobile phone, you get to envy people who have one! When you have a mobile phone but no house, you get to envy people who have a house! And when you have a house, you get to envy people who have a successful career and a happy marriage! See? People are never satisfied. And it's because people have desires!

Because people have desires and want to work hard to achieve them, they have promoted the development of society. And that's a great thing! The key lies in the words "work hard to achieve."

So it's normal to be jealous of others for having what you don't have. But here's the good news: you can go from nothing to something! All you have to do is put in the work. You can't always wallow in misery in your thoughts, but you can take action to change things.

It will be challenging, but it'll be worth it! It's not easy to fulfill wishes, but you can do it!

But remember, there are no free lunches in this world!

My child, I have a suggestion for you! Put your emotions aside and go out and work! You can even start off as a domestic cleaner. As long as you experience the joy of gain from your labor, you can gradually choose a job that suits you according to your interests and specialties. You're only 38 years old, you're still young, and it's not too late to work hard!

Second, lower your expectations and don't aim too high. You know who in this world doesn't want to have the wealth of Jack Ma?

But other people's money doesn't just blow in the wind! He also worked hard to earn it, step by step.

So if you want to have what you want, you must work hard and give all you can! My child, instead of indulging in mental depletion every day, you might as well do something practical, even if it's just to lighten the burden on your family.

Your parents will grow old, and when they do, you'll be ready to support them! It's possible that your parents love you too much, so you've been living in your own world and indulging in sadness. But you can change that! Start by being filial to your parents and doing what you can for them. You'll find that the things that cause mental attrition will drift away from you as you focus on supporting your parents.

So, to reduce mental attrition, start by being filial to your parents and doing what you can for them. Just do practical things and keep yourself busy. You'll be amazed at how quickly the things that cause mental attrition will drift away from you!

Hi, I'm Xin Tan, Coach Fei Yun.

You feel lonely and isolated. Not having a job, a partner, or children makes you feel like you've achieved nothing and your whole life is full of a sense of failure and guilt. Looking at the people around you, you see their happiness and well-being, while you have nothing to show for your efforts.

This just makes you feel even more miserable.

I hug you with all my heart. I get where you're coming from. We all want to be loved. At your age, you especially want a home and warmth.

Your parents' love can't replace your need for marriage and intimacy.

Your very existence is already a kind of value.

From what you've said, it seems like you've come to the conclusion that these 38 years of your life have been pretty miserable, full of frustration and a sense of loneliness.

This is tied to the issue of self-worth. Your self-evaluation is negative, passive, pessimistic, and complaining, with all kinds of self-doubt, self-denial, and self-deprecation.

A person's value has nothing to do with others. It depends on how you evaluate yourself. And your evaluation of yourself is based on: you want to be successful in your career, have a happy family, and be wealthy, so that you can reflect your value.

My dear, these are all external evaluation systems. And the external is not in our control. We've unwittingly handed the remote control for choosing our own destiny to others.

You're a valuable person in your own right. Your parents care for and love you, and you're creating value for your family and society in your own way.

Just like this pandemic, if ordinary people stay home, they're still contributing to the country and society in other ways.

If you focus on what's outside of you, you'll always feel like you're missing out. But if you focus on yourself, you'll see your own value, create value, find your own value in doing what you can for others and society, and continue to amplify and realize it.

You also want to make yourself happy. How do you do that? It's still about "looking within" and having something to do with your inner motivation.

?2. How to start a new life of your own

As you mentioned, you've had lots of chances in the past, but you've missed them. Instead of blaming yourself, you should take responsibility. Think carefully about your past experiences and draw conclusions. Reflect on your own patterns, such as complaining/pessimism or gratitude/optimism.

Our patterns can easily affect our relationships, but if we're aware of them, we can make changes.

If you're feeling stuck in your current situation, you can start with simple changes like adjusting your lifestyle, diet, and wardrobe. You can also expand your social circle to gain new perspectives and resources.

You can keep a diary (there are lots of topics on the Yixinli platform you can join in with), and talking to yourself is also a great way to heal. Develop some hobbies. Lots of people have slowly turned their hobbies into survival skills, or even ways to make a living.

In a nutshell, view the current stage of your life as a "gap period." Plan what kind of life you want, what resources you have, and what opportunities you can create, and then work backwards to figure out what you need to do now.

The book "Duan She Li" suggests that you move on from your past and embrace a new chapter in your life. The world is full of possibilities, and you can make your life more exciting and flourish even more.

I hope this is helpful to you, and I wish you all the best.

If you want to keep in touch, just click "Find a coach" in the top right corner or at the bottom. I'll be in touch and we can work together one-on-one.

Hello, host, I hope my answer can be of some help to you.

I hug you and empathize with your feelings. I understand that your past experiences and worries about the future have made you feel helpless and miserable. If I were in your shoes, I might have felt and experienced the same way. Perhaps I may not be as strong as you are and face and deal with things courageously all the time. You are really very admirable. You have been trying hard to grow and change. Please believe that things will definitely get better and better. It just takes time to reconcile with yourself, to accept yourself, and to live the life you want.

I believe that you can find the strength to believe in yourself and trust that things will get better.

If I might offer you a suggestion, it would be this:

It is often the case that dwelling on past experiences can lead to feelings of depression. Similarly, fixating on future events can cause anxiety. However, it is also true that embracing the present can bring a sense of peace and happiness.

At one point, a young monk inquired of a Zen master, "Master, could you please tell me what you did before you were enlightened?"

The Zen master offered a simple yet profound advice: "Eat, chop firewood, sleep."

The young monk respectfully inquired, "Could you please elaborate on what your daily routine was like after you became enlightened?"

The Zen master offered a simple yet profound response: "Still eating, chopping firewood, and sleeping."

The young monk replied, "Then it seems that nothing has changed."

A Zen master once shared an interesting observation: "Before enlightenment, when I ate, I found my thoughts often wandering to other activities, like chopping wood or sleeping. After enlightenment, when I eat, I only think about eating; when I chop wood, I only think about chopping wood; when I sleep, I only think about sleeping."

I believe this is the key difference. When our thoughts are always stuck in the past or the future, and our hearts are not in the present, it can create a sense of unease. However, if we can focus our attention on the present, on our present self and our present environment, we can achieve a state of "not dwelling on the past and not fearing the future".

2. How might one live in the present?

If you can do what the Zen master just said and, when you are doing something, you can focus on the task itself and let your mind be free of distractions, then you might be considered to be living in the present.

If you find yourself sometimes doing things and your thoughts have already scattered, you might consider using the method of "click, return to the present." This involves recognizing when your thoughts are not in the present and then reciting a "mantra" – click, return to the present – to gently bring your attention back to the present moment. You can also focus your attention on what you are doing, or describe the color and shape of the objects around you and the stories they bring, etc., to help your thoughts gradually return to the present.

Additionally, it may be helpful to consider mindfulness meditation and mindfulness eating as potential techniques for returning to the present, which could be practiced on a regular basis.

3. Try to accept yourself as you are, and then believe that you can live the life you want.

Everyone has their own unique set of strengths and weaknesses, and perfection is an ideal that is unattainable. We cannot undo what has already happened, but we can choose to learn from our experiences and move forward with a positive outlook.

Perhaps it would be more beneficial to accept the situation as it is without criticism, accept yourself as you are, and then find a way to extricate yourself from this challenging situation.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider adjusting our thinking patterns. It seems that what we believe may ultimately influence the outcome. This has been demonstrated in numerous experiments in psychology. It seems that positive beliefs may lead to positive actions, which may in turn lead to positive results.

It may be helpful to remember that our thoughts and actions can influence the outcome of our lives. Sometimes, what we fear may come true, and sometimes, what we think may come true. It's important to recognize that we attract what we give our attention to. Therefore, it's beneficial to focus on positive beliefs and thoughts, as they can help us to feel better and improve our lives.

It might be helpful to remind yourself that you are safe, that you will be happy, that you will definitely be successful in your career, that you will have a happy family, and that you will be rich.

I hope this is helpful for you. Wishing you the best!