Unable to enter an intimate relationship, what causes this and how can it be improved?

Dear Sir/Madam, Thank you for your question. I am ZQ, a heart exploration coach on the Yixinli platform. When you find that you cannot enter an intimate relationship, it may be beneficial to gain a deeper understanding of yourself. Belonging in an intimate relationship is one of our basic needs. Best regards, ZQ

The majority of individuals require a sense of belonging, which can be fulfilled by family, romantic partners, or friends. However, there are varying expressions of this need. Some individuals may seek a greater sense of belonging, while others may simply require a period of solitude before seeking more time alone.

Given the diversity of personality types, it is evident that extroverts require greater stimulation from social interactions, whereas introverts tend to derive more energy from solitary pursuits.

It is not possible to enter into an intimate relationship. This can be explored from two aspects. The first point is your personality.

Please indicate whether you are an introvert or an extrovert. As a general rule, introverts require more time for themselves, and they may have a few friends.

You may also be interested in forming a romantic relationship, but after communicating with each other, you may still prefer to spend time alone, as this is the most comfortable way for you to interact.

It is not necessary to always engage in activities with other individuals. This is not a suitable approach for you, and you lack an understanding of boundaries.

The second point to be considered is the avoidant attachment personality, which means that each of us actually has a corresponding attachment style.

From an early age, individuals form attachment styles based on their interactions with their parents. If parents are consistently indifferent, children may develop an avoidant attachment style, which manifests as indifference towards the outside world.

If we have experienced significant distress in our relationships and perceive others as untrustworthy and potentially harmful, we may also adopt an avoidant and indifferent approach. This may be linked to the challenges we have encountered in our daily lives.

It would also be beneficial to consider the situation you are currently in, your personality, your life experiences, and how communication with your parents has historically taken place. Each of these factors will have a corresponding impact and extension on you.

If you feel that this attachment style has a significant impact on you, you may wish to consider changing it. The most effective way to do so is to seek psychological counseling. You can try to change yourself with the help of a recognized counselor, and slowly heal yourself in a safe and nurturing relationship.

It is important to recognise that interpersonal relationships can be comfortable and do not require guardedness. I would also suggest reading some books on intimacy to assist with improvement. These include "Knowing Love: Growing in Intimacy" and "Love Traps: How to Bring Intimacy Back to Life." I wish you the best of luck.

Please advise.

Hello, questioner! I can see the confusion you are facing, and I give you a big, warm hug!

I'm so excited to tell you that your current problem may have two causes!

If you're afraid of entering into an intimate relationship in marriage, it may be related to your family of origin. This is something you can work through!

For example, I'd love to know more about what your parents' marriage was like!

I'd love to know more about their relationship!

If it's not a good one, it may prevent you from entering a relationship, because you think "marriage is the grave of love." But don't worry! There are plenty of other reasons to get married besides love.

If this is the case, I highly recommend that you seek professional psychological counseling.

If you're having trouble making deep friends, it might be because of past experiences.

There may have been some bad experiences, such as cheating or betrayal – but don't worry!

But don't worry! There are ways to overcome these challenges and enter into a friendship.

Because as long as you don't enter, you'll be safe and sound!

That is a self-defense mechanism that your body has instinctively developed, and it's a great one!

Absolutely! I highly recommend that you seek help from a professional psychological counselor.

I really, truly hope that you can solve your problem soon!

Now, all I can think of is the above!

I really hope my answer is helpful and inspiring to you, the questioner! I'm the answerer, and I study hard every day.

Here at Yixinli, the world and I love you! Best wishes!

I'm so excited to see what the future holds for you!

Hello, host!

I'm here to help, and I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Reading the question description, I can totally relate to the anxiety and helplessness of the poster. I want to give the poster a big hug!

Before we get to the original poster's question, we just need to chat about two concepts. One is called a fact judgment, and the other is called a value judgment. A fact judgment is like when we take an exam and there's a standard answer. For example, if you ask how tall you are, we can measure it and come up with an answer.

But when it comes to value judgments, there's no one right answer. Take, for instance, if I were to say you're too tall.

This is just my opinion, but I think it's fair to say that everyone has a different idea of what tallness means to them.

I just want to take a moment to explain these two concepts so that the host understands that our answers are based on our own understanding, experiences, and values. So, the perspective and direction of the answers, as well as the train of thought, are just for the host to consider. I really hope the host won't regard our answers as the standard ones, but rather as just one perspective to consider.

The host presents a common contradictory state of people. In fact, we are not just like this in interpersonal relationships, we are also like this in many other aspects. For example, we are afraid of getting tired at work, but if we really lose our jobs, we can't be happy no matter what. For example, we always want freedom, but once you are allowed to freely decide your own destiny, many people are afraid of this right, because rights often mean responsibility and burden.

So, there's no need for the landlord to be surprised by this strange behavior. This represents the landlord's two conflicting needs.

I don't know all the details about what's going on with the host, but I think one of our basic human needs is the issue of independence and dependence.

Attachment theory is a really important theory in psychology. It describes and explains how we form emotional connections and intimate relationships with the people who take care of us when we're little, usually our parents. The first person to come up with this idea was a British psychologist called John Bowlby. He came up with it in the 1950s. Then another psychologist called Mary Ainsworth built on his ideas.

Attachment theory says that from the very start, little ones have a deep need to form a close bond with their main caregiver. This relationship has a huge impact on how a child grows and develops.

The quality and type of attachment can really affect how someone develops in terms of emotional regulation, social interaction, sense of trust, and self-esteem.

Attachment theory suggests there are three main types of attachment:

Children with a secure attachment feel safe when they're exploring their environment. They're happy to leave their parents to explore new places, but they always come back! These kids usually have high self-esteem and a sense of security.

2. Avoidant attachment: Children don't show much distress when their parents leave, but they're also a bit reluctant to engage with them when they return. Children with this type of attachment may have some trouble expressing their emotions and social skills.

3. Anxious-ambivalent attachment: Children show extreme anxiety when their parents leave, but have ambivalent feelings towards their parents when they return, seeking contact but also avoiding it. It can be really tough for children with this type of attachment to regulate their emotions and to trust others.

This theory suggests that if a child doesn't get enough love and attention in the early years, it can lead to an anxious and ambivalent attachment. This means that they may crave intimacy but also reject it.

The lovely book "Deep Relationships" suggests some great ways to build deep, meaningful connections. Here are two of my favorites: 1. Fully reveal your true self. 2. Be willing to show vulnerability.

3. Have complete trust that the information you share will be kept confidential. 4. Be open and honest.

5. Try to resolve conflicts in a constructive manner. 6. Be willing to invest in the growth and development of the other person.

It can be tough to build a deep, trusting relationship. It's not always easy to show our true selves and be willing to express our vulnerability. But with a little knowledge and some skills, we can do it! When you have a moment, I'd love for you to read this book, "Deep Relationships."

Let's try a few things together!

Self-awareness and emotional needs: It's so important to understand your own emotional needs and expectations. We all have different personalities and different ways of doing things. Some people are naturally more inclined to be independent or need more personal space and time.

This doesn't mean you don't love others enough! It just means your emotional needs may be a little different. Accepting and understanding this is really important.

2. Attachment styles: Attachment theory in psychology can explain why some people find it difficult in intimate relationships. For example, some people may have an "avoidant attachment," which means they may feel uneasy or want to escape in an intimate relationship.

It's so helpful to understand your own attachment style! It can really help you understand your emotional reactions.

3. Past experiences: We all have past experiences that affect our attitudes, and this is totally normal! It's okay if you've had hurt or disappointment in intimate relationships. These experiences may have left a shadow in your mind, making it difficult for you to fully trust or commit to a new relationship.

4. Communication and trust-building: If you're really eager to build an intimate relationship but are having a bit of trouble, don't fret! Communication and trust-building are key. Sharing your feelings and needs with your partner and listening to their opinions and feelings can help you build a healthier and more stable relationship.

5. If you feel like this is really affecting your life and your sense of well-being, it might be a good idea to chat with a professional counselor. They can help you understand your emotions and behaviors better and come up with some great solutions.

And finally, remember that everyone has their own unique emotional needs and ways. It's so important to find a way that suits you and respects your own feelings.

I really hope this helps! It's so important to feel seen and to get feedback from the host and others who are interested. Attention and praise are really useful!

Hello!

It is understandable that you are confused about why you are unable to enter into an intimate relationship, both romantically and with friends.

For this reason, we would like to suggest some thoughts for you to consider:

There may be a number of factors that could be contributing to this confusion.

For instance, you might find yourself using self-defense mechanisms on a regular basis as a way of protecting yourself from potential harm.

It is possible that these mechanisms may result in a certain degree of distance being maintained when forming intimate relationships with others, which could potentially limit the opportunities for gaining insight and trust.

It is also possible that you may feel insecure about intimacy, which could be caused by worrying that you might not receive enough love or support.

It is possible that this emotional uncertainty and insecurity may prevent you from forming intimate relationships with others.

Additionally, it is possible that you may have doubts about your own worth and may believe that you are not worthy of having an intimate relationship.

This can potentially result in feelings of anxiety or fear of intimacy, and a concern that it might lead to negative outcomes such as a loss of control, disappointment, or pain.

It is possible that your self-deprecating attitude may affect your social behavior and make it challenging for you to establish intimate relationships with others.

It is also possible that you may lack effective communication skills when interacting with your boyfriend or others, which could potentially lead to misunderstandings and communication barriers between you and others.

This may also make it more challenging for you to establish trust and intimacy with others.

If you find yourself in a situation where you are unable to enter into an intimate relationship, whether in a romantic or friendly relationship, you may wish to consider the following methods:

It may be helpful to begin by taking the time to understand your emotions, needs, values, and social style. This can help you gain a deeper understanding of your behavior and decision-making process.

Through self-exploration, you may gain a deeper understanding of your own limitations and obstacles, which could help you find a social approach that suits you better.

It would be beneficial to maintain a positive attitude and believe that you can establish close relationships with others.

It may be helpful to avoid excessive self-criticism and negative emotions, and to believe that you have the ability and opportunity to change your social situation.

Secondly, it would be beneficial to try to establish trust and intimacy when interacting with others.

It may be helpful to share your experiences and feelings with others in a timely manner, show care and support, and give positive feedback and responses.

By fostering trust, you can gradually develop a deeper connection with others.

It may be helpful to learn and practice effective communication skills such as listening, expressing, and understanding the emotions and needs of others. Through good communication, you may find it easier to understand the perspectives and feelings of others, which could help to promote the establishment of an intimate relationship.

If you are experiencing persistent confusion or helplessness, it might be helpful to seek professional support at an early stage.

You might find it helpful to share your feelings and experiences with a counselor, who can provide guidance and support tailored to your needs and help you find a solution that suits you.

I hope these suggestions are helpful to you.

My dear friend, I can sense your confusion and struggle. It can be challenging to navigate the desire for intimacy while also facing obstacles. The situation you mentioned, where the desire for intimacy coexists with fear, is something that many people may encounter during their growth process.

It is possible that these conflicting feelings may have their roots in a deep-seated sense of insecurity, a fear of losing control, or concerns about vulnerability in close relationships.

"Intimacy phobia" is a term used to describe an individual's fear of and avoidance of establishing intimate relationships. This fear may have its roots in early experiences, such as the family environment in childhood, the relationship patterns of one's parents, or past emotional trauma.

Additionally, some individuals may shy away from intimacy due to concerns about losing their autonomy, experiencing pain, or assuming obligations. Such apprehensions may lead to discomfort when entering into an intimate relationship or even a desire to disengage.

The period of childhood is a significant time in the development of our character. The way we are treated and responded to during this period can leave a lasting impression on our hearts.

When we voice an idea or a need and receive positive encouragement, we gain a sense of self-confidence and a belief that we can do a good job. Conversely, if we are consistently ignored and rejected, our hearts may become filled with anxiety and unease, leading us to doubt ourselves and even deny our abilities.

It is not uncommon for self-denial to accompany us throughout our lives. We may become overly cautious and worry that our actions will be criticized by others.

To improve this situation, it would be helpful to recognize our feelings and try to understand them in relation to past experiences. Keeping a diary or talking to a trusted friend are good ways to understand ourselves.

There is no need to rush to get there all at once. We can start with small things, such as sharing personal thoughts and feelings. It may be helpful to learn to make peace with emotions, accept our emotions, and allow emotions to flow, so that we will not easily distort our behavior due to emotional suppression.

Building a close relationship is a gradual process that requires time and patience. It may be helpful to give yourself some space and allow things to unfold at a natural pace.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider taking some simple steps to improve your wellbeing. It's often the case that what we choose to focus on is more important than what is actually there.

When we begin to see the good and accept it, we can find our place in this complex world and live as our true selves.

Everyone has their own imperfections and dark sides, which we often try to hide. We often put on masks and pretend to be someone we think others want us to be, but this can make life quite exhausting.

Please be patient with yourself. You have already taken an important step by recognizing your feelings and seeking help.

Your feelings are important, your experiences are unique, and your growth is worth celebrating. I believe that with the right support and hard work, you can find your own happiness and establish a satisfying intimate relationship.

You might find it helpful to read "Intimacy."

Hello, my name is Yu, and I'm a heart exploration coach. I'd love to chat with you about this topic.

Let's start by chatting about the amazing ability to see the good in things!

Think back to our childhood. When you raised an idea or a request, did your parents respond with encouragement or with a stern "no"?

It's so sad to see children who are often ignored and receive negative responses. They may seem obedient and sensible on the surface, but deep down they're anxious and uneasy. They believe they can't do anything right and live in the eyes of others, losing confidence in themselves. It's no wonder they're reluctant to enter into relationships as adults.

Then think back to our childhood. We experienced the fear and pressure of not being loved. We had repressed emotions and could not find a way to relieve them or an outlet to release them, so we could only abuse ourselves to relieve the pressure. In other words, we have been accustomed to belittling ourselves since childhood as a way to relieve pain and escape from reality.

It's so easy to base our self-esteem on the opinions of others, isn't it? We can end up lacking a proper and clear self-understanding as a result. We can also end up overthinking things, wondering "what will others think if I do this?" or "will others distance themselves from me if I do that?" This can lead to a loss of self-confidence and self-esteem, and thus a loss of self and a desire to escape relationships.

As the original poster wrote, no matter who I'm with, after a few days I'll start to feel the urge to get away.

It's not about having an ability to see the good. It's a way of thinking! And it's a positive way of thinking. We can start by accepting ourselves, allowing ourselves to be real, and accepting our imperfect selves.

It can be really helpful to try to see your strengths or good points and write them down and praise yourself. This is because seeing the good is a way of thinking that requires us to deliberately practice it in our lives to improve.

It can be really helpful to look for resources. We often get used to looking at life with a problem-oriented perspective, but it can be much more difficult to find resources than it is to find problems! When you feel like you can't go on, it can be really helpful to ask yourself, "Who else can I turn to for help?"

I'd love to know what other options I have! And what other things can I use?

And now, let's chat about acceptance.

Everyone has their own imperfections, and everyone has a side of themselves they don't want to show, which we might call the dark side. People around us are often unwilling to accept it, and even we ourselves can't face it. So we put on a mask, pretending to be the role that others like, but we are tired of living like this.

It seems to me that what you're really feeling is that it's not a lack of love, but that you really cannot enter into intimate relationships. I know how that can make you feel! It can really exacerbate anxiety.

We can make peace with our emotions, my dear friend. When we notice a negative emotion, we can try asking ourselves, "What does this remind me of? It's not a fact!"

"When we start to accept our emotions and let them flow, we'll find it's much easier to avoid engaging in behavior that distorts our emotions due to emotional repression. We can also try recording what our feelings are at the moment.

Your writing is just for you, so please feel free to write about your feelings as honestly as you like. This will help us to understand the causes and effects of emotions and also help us to clarify the root of the problem.

We're here for you! If this is something you're struggling with, it's totally normal to need help. You can always reach out to a family member or friend you trust. They'll be happy to listen and support you. If you feel like talking to someone professional, there are also counselors and support groups you can connect with. It's important to have a safe space to share your feelings and work through them.

We can also try to enrich our inner selves, discover our unique value, and see the good in ourselves. It's so important to choose to see the good in ourselves, even more than it is to see the facts.

I'd highly recommend reading "Intimacy: Finding Your Soul Mate" if you get a chance!

Hello, dear author! It's so lovely to meet you.

It sounds like you're going through a rough patch with your relationships. We all have our own reasons for avoiding intimacy, and it's totally normal to feel this way. Here are some possible reasons why you might be struggling, along with some tips on how you can start healing and moving forward:

1. Personal experiences and psychological trauma: We all have different experiences in our lives that can sometimes make it hard to trust others, especially in intimate relationships. If you've had a tough time in the past, like the death of a loved one or a traumatic experience in childhood, it's totally normal to feel a bit unsure about getting close to someone. That's why it can be really helpful to talk to someone you trust, like a therapist or counselor, to help you work through your past experiences and feel more confident in your relationships.

2. Independence and the need for personal space: Some people may have a high need for personal independence and free space, and feel constrained when they enter an intimate relationship. It's totally normal! You can try communicating with your partner to find a balance that allows you to maintain your independence while still getting your needs met in the relationship.

3. Communication and trust issues: We all know that poor communication or a lack of trust can prevent intimacy from developing. The good news is that learning effective communication skills such as listening, expressing feelings and needs, and building trust can improve relationships!

4. Self-knowledge and personal growth: It's so important to know your own values, emotional needs, and boundaries. This will help you choose the right partner and establish a healthy, intimate relationship. And personal growth can also help you better handle relationship challenges.

5. Time and patience: Building a close relationship takes time and effort, so don't be too hard on yourself or the relationship. Give yourself and the other person enough time to get to know and adapt to each other. You've got this!

Everyone's situation is different, and it may take some trial and error to find a method that works for you. If you're feeling confused about your situation or unable to resolve it on your own, you might find it helpful to chat with a professional counselor. They can gain a deeper understanding of your situation and provide targeted advice and support.

On a similar note, this might also apply to friendships. It could be helpful to think about what you want from a friendship and why you want to end the relationship.

It might be a good idea to have a chat with your friends. You could talk to them about how you feel and what you need, and see if you can find a way to get along better.

In any case, don't put too much pressure on yourself, sweetheart. You'll find a way to establish and maintain a healthy intimate relationship. Have you tried communicating your feelings with a friend or lover?

Here's to taking what we've learned and putting it into practice, and to all of us having the best, happiest lives we can!