Unable to enter intimacy for a long time, I like to reverse the operation and actively abandon them

Let's show the OP some love from afar!

From the questioner's description,

I have many homes, and most of the time I'm just staying. I'll do things to push our relationship away. No matter who it is, if we get too close, I'll just "kick them away"—and it's so exciting!

The doubts of the questioner

What should I do in this situation? I long for intimate relationships, and I'm excited to find the right person to share my life with. I like to play this reverse game, actively abandoning them myself.

Words to the questioner

Your childhood living environment may have made you afraid of losing, so you chose to actively abandon the other person to protect yourself from the hurt of being abandoned.

This is your defense mechanism, and it can prevent you from feeling abandoned. But in reality, whether you actively abandon someone or are abandoned, it is because you have problems in your relationships, and you will always be alone.

The questioner also knows that the current situation is the result of certain circumstances, so the questioner can establish a long-term and stable relationship and heal themselves.

And you can heal yourself through your own strength to repair the wounds of the past. So, in one way, the questioner may as well tell themselves consciously to control their own behavior—and you can do it!

Go for it! If you don't let go on your own initiative, you'll never know what the future holds.

Since we have to separate anyway, we might as well give it a try! How long can we go on?

In a general sense, we will find some friends who are worth confiding in. Many people will have friends for decades or even a lifetime. I really hope the questioner can meet such people soon!

Hello! What are your feelings when you see that little body being spun around and around, and you see that you clearly like it but have to "work hard" to do it the opposite way?

I think it must be pretty tough. What would you say to this troubled inner self of yours? I guess you would want to give him strength, right?

Let's look at your situation together and find ways to build your resilience!

Take a look at the insecure you and give him a chance.

I imagine that person who used to move around a lot must have accumulated a lot of fear. You feel weak and unsure of what to rely on. Your parents, who should have had a close relationship with you, are unable to give you the stable comfort and warmth that everyone else can. The problems in your family of origin have given you too much insecurity. Even if there is a moment of peace, it will soon pass. This makes you seem to have no concept of "safety" in your spiritual world. You are afraid of that feeling of insecurity, like a feeling of loss. So, as an adult, although you long for an attachment, you are afraid that it will "end sooner or later," so you try to stay away from it on your own...

Do you see how past insecurities can affect your present situation, even beyond your control? Do you recognize this aspect of yourself? Take the initiative to connect with him and embrace the relationship.

☘️ Landing in the present moment and focusing on the present

Can you use the "landing" technique to see your present moment? You've gone to university, left all kinds of "homes," and have your own time and space. You have classmates, friends, and teachers who, although not necessarily close, give you a sense of security. Focus on the present moment. Have you noticed?

You're moving away from unsafe situations and you can be safe in the present. Are you willing to believe it? Can you find some reasons to believe it?

Why not give it a try?

It's time to accept the imperfections of the past, separate the issues, and start over.

I know your family of origin has had a big impact on you. You may have thought many times that you wished it were perfect, but it has still caused you a lot of harm. Accept this truth about your past, but let it go and don't bring it into your present or even your future.

It can have a negative impact, but it also gives you awareness. If you realize you're "reversing operations," use your willpower to pull yourself back. You're different now than you used to be. You're stronger than before, and you can do more than before! Look at the things you've done in the past month that made you feel good. Find a way to continue or recreate them!

Your life has got to have more than just a gloomy side to it. Don't "selectively filter" out the positive aspects, okay? What's done is done, and the present is different from it. Start again!

♥️ Adjust your perception so that love can happen and end naturally.

It seems like you're dealing with your relationship in a way that's a bit obsessive-compulsive. You're doing things you don't want to do and actively distancing yourself when you want to get closer. I know you don't believe in a happy ending and are afraid of losing, but you're still young. Have you thought about whether you'll definitely be together forever if you meet?

It seems that many facts can prove that if you encounter someone, you should cherish it, but you can't force it to last forever.

So, adjust your expectations. Even if your family of origin doesn't influence you, the person you like may not stick around forever. Love isn't something you can rush or force. Since you met by chance, take your time getting to know each other and enjoy it!

Let love happen naturally, and don't worry about it ending naturally. Take your time and give yourself and your love a chance.

☘️ If you're struggling to control your emotions, don't be afraid to seek help from a counselor. The world and I love you, so keep your eyes on the prize!

Hello!

A bad experience can affect not only how we relate to ourselves, but also how we interact with others in the future. When we have negative experiences, we often react strongly to them, which can be a way of protecting ourselves. However, if we express intimacy in ways that are not in line with our needs, it can hinder the growth of the relationship and leave us feeling empty inside.

When I was young, my parents sent me back and forth between a lot of places: kindergarten, my teacher's house, my grandparents' house, my father's house, my mother's house, and back and forth again. My parents divorced when I was five or six, so I had a lot of places to go, but I didn't really choose where to go. Most of the time, I was living in

From what we've seen, it seems like the questioner has always needed a sense of belonging but hasn't had it. Over time, they've stopped expecting it and have started to reject it. This is also why they don't invest energy and effort in relationships later on, which leads to unfulfilled expectations.

It's a misconception that everyone will eventually leave, which makes it harder to see the positive factors in the relationship. It's important to remember that negative thinking won't make relationships better.

I crave close relationships, but I'm always afraid that they'll leave me, so I tend to do the opposite and walk away on my own.

Love is a powerful word that can help us to get along with ourselves and then use our full strength to pay attention to and give in an emotional relationship. So, if the love we have is wrong because of things that have happened to us in the past, we need to fix ourselves and heal the internal conflicts so that we can truly express powerful and healthy love.

1. Re-establish the relationship model of self-acceptance and give yourself a boost.

Why do you express yourself in a "reverse" way? It's because when someone has problems with their self-image, they'll use secret, rebellious behavior to express their needs and protect themselves. But the people who love you don't know the psychological journey inside your heart or how you feel. This can quickly cool the relationship, hurt each other, and lead to the opposite result. At this time, you need to give yourself more space to become aware of your true needs. You should also explore what causes you to be afraid to express love in a positive way. Think about whether you are confident in yourself or whether you are overly self-conscious. Give yourself positive affirmation and encouragement. Get out of your inner pain. Believe that you have the ability to establish a healthy love. You can only truly step out of the shadows by starting to learn to express love in a positive way from the present moment.

2. It's important to take care of your relationships, and it's okay to be uncertain.

If you've had to move around a lot when you were younger, it can be hard to feel close to other people. As an adult, you need to think more maturely about how to deal with the ups and downs of life. You might realise that your parents' decisions weren't necessarily based on what they really wanted, but on their own limitations and the situation they were in. If you can forgive them and be tolerant, you can let go of the pain from the past and focus on the present. If you want a good relationship, you need to make it a priority and show your partner you care. This means expressing love and concern and taking their feelings into account. In other words, you need to accept that relationships have ups and downs and manage them with a positive attitude. Then you'll feel stronger and more secure in the relationship.

3. Know your own emotions, understand what the other person needs, and grow together.

If you can understand your own emotions and empathize with others, you can think from their perspective and understand their feelings. This makes emotional interactions and communication much smoother. However, people who are stubborn and unable to accept themselves often resist new knowledge and ideas. They close themselves off from the outside world and can't grow.

A relationship between lovers is one where both people are invested in each other's growth. Someone with a healthy self-relationship will often make the other person feel appreciated and encouraged, which can improve the relationship and help it to develop. It's important to think about this before entering a relationship.

Wishing you the best!

Hello, question asker. I see you're feeling confused, and I'm here to help!

You're going through some relationship issues right now. Let me give you a hug again.

I think your current issues might be linked to your childhood experiences.

When you were young, your parents often sent you back and forth, for example, to a nursery, to your grandparents' house, or to your parents' house.

Then, your parents got divorced.

Now that you're an adult, you're facing some challenges.

You're having trouble forming close relationships with women.

It's possible that your fear of being abandoned by a girl is linked to your traumatic experience as a child.

Questioner, you need to know that when you were young, it really wasn't your fault that your parents divorced.

At the time, you were still very young and couldn't protect yourself, so you had to follow your parents' rules.

But now you're in a different place. You've grown up and are now capable of protecting yourself.

You can go and give yourself a hug.

If you think it would help, I also suggest that you seek the advice of a professional counselor. They can support you in dealing with the psychological trauma caused by your parents' divorce when you were a child.

I'd also suggest you take one of Mr. Skijia's courses (Healing the Inner Child).

I really hope you can resolve the issue you're facing soon.

That's all I can think of right now.

I hope my above answer is helpful and inspiring to you. I'm here to help, and I study hard every day.

Here at Yixinli, we love you and wish you the best!